Eureka

He had finally found something useful. It wasn't exactly a spell that would take away his immortality, but it was a start; it seemed that the Book was finally warming to him. A spell to allow him to share his memories with Alec with just a touch was truly special, if not a little scary. Magnus felt that if he couldn't give Alec his immortality then maybe sharing some of his past with the Shadowhunter would make things better. He desperately wanted to be with him and, from what Alec had said, he wanted to be with Magnus too. But the Warlock knew that it would not be enough. They couldn't go back to how everything was before.

Keep moving forward.

It was such an important part of who he was. The events of the past few weeks had changed both of them. They had to evolve and adapt if they wanted to survive; especially now they were certain that war was imminent.

He had already decided what memory he wanted to show Alec and it made Magnus laugh aloud.

"What? Magnus?"

Alec's voice carried across the darkness of the room and Magnus placed the Book carefully on the floor and looked at the young man stirring sleepily in his bed across the room. He looked incredibly beautiful and it took all of Magnus' willpower to not run to him, fold him up in an embrace and completely snog his face off.

He had made a mistake pushing Alec away and was now serving penance for it. Poor Alec had fallen down a rabbit hole and had ended up hurting himself beyond belief and it was all Magnus' fault – rather Magnus had pushed the poor boy down the rabbit hole. He would have to live with the guilt of what he had put Alec through forever. Of course, his idea of 'forever' was hopefully going to be turned on its head very soon, but he couldn't keep the guilt from gnawing away at his heart and preventing him from jumping on Alec and proclaiming his endless love.

"Yes, it's me. I'm sorry if I woke you up," he whispered in Alec's direction and he saw the young man relax at his words.

"That's ok, what are you doing?"

"Thinking about you, actually"

Magnus saw Alec flinch a little and he practically jumped from his chair and rushed to the other man.

"What's wrong, Alec? Are you ok? Are you in pain?" He sounded like a frantic hen. Alec looked up at him, wide-eyed. Their eyes caught for just a moment and it felt like Alec had electrocuted him. It was the same feeling he used to get when he had first met the Shadowhunter; that odd, subversive glance from the young man when he thought nobody could see him and their glances had met each other and stuck for an intense moment or two that had set Magnus' insides aflame. The Warlock lowered his gaze fist with a small, nervous laugh.

"I'm fine," Alec told him quietly.

"You want anything? You haven't eaten in a good few days now – do you want to maybe try some soup?"

Alec was starting to look a little pinched now; his cheekbones had become less chiselled and more skeletal. But Alec just shook his head.

"I can make you my famous thai chicken soup?" Magnus ventured, to which Alec looked at him quizzically. "No?"

"No thank you, Magnus," Alec told him coldly.

"Alec please, you have to eat something."

"I didn't even know you could make thai chicken soup…"

"Well I can, and brilliantly, I may add."

Alec looked at him ruefully and Magnus understood that he had upset him. Again. Of course Alec wouldn't know that Magnus could make something that (vaguely resembled) thai chicken soup. He had to stop coming out with all these 'in-jokes' that were for him only.

"Alec – "

"Don't," Alec interrupted. "Don't apologise, please. I'm the one who should be apologising to you, not the other way around. I've caused you – am causing you – all this anguish, when it is all my fault for behaving so childishly."

Magnus gave a snort. "Are you actually serious? You think you are the one who has been behaving like a juvenile?"

Alec turned his face away, a pretty rosy sheen spreading across his too-pale features and Magnus thought about how much he loved it when Alec blushed. The Shadowhunter's embarrassment in this instance comforted the Warlock because it actually made him look a little bit healthier.

"I want to share something with you, Alexander. And I want to show you something important," Magnus whispered to him.

Alec turned his face so his eyes met Magnus' once more. It was obvious that Alec was on a completely different train of thought to himself, because Magnus knew that look; it was the look he got when his mind was focused on something and he often missed anything Magnus said to him.

Typical Lightwood stubbornness.

"I just don't want you to think I'm weak and I don't want you to be with me because you think I will harm myself if you aren't with me. I wasn't trying to blackmail you or anything…"
"Alec, what the hell are you rambling about?" Magnus asked him with a small smile. The Shadowhunter looked away from him again, trying to conceal his latest blush.

"I do not think you are weak, Alexander. And to suggest that I would even think the only reason you put yourself through what happened at the Warehouse was to get at me? It's absurd and I won't hear you speak of it again." Magnus felt a little angry. And upset. He couldn't believe Alec would even suggest it.

"But you don't love me anymore?" Alec asked in a small voice, his face still turned away from Magnus and his gaze fixed on the comforter.

Magnus pulled Alec by the shoulder so that he was facing him square on.

"Are you trying to hurt me Alec? You know I do…"

"Do you? Because I'm not so sure you can love me. How can you love something so, so - "

"I can't hear this anymore," Magnus said as he got up from the bed.

"Just leave! Go on!" Alec yelled at him, making him jump and his stomach sink like lead. He stopped in his tracks, his back towards the bed where Alec lay, fear and grief freezing him to the spot.

"Because you seem pretty unwilling to say 'I love you'! I have told you constantly since I got here that I still love you and I have not once heard you say it back. I get that you don't want to be with me anymore, but by the Angel please stop tormenting me with the hope you might still love me!" Tears streamed down his pale face that was almost luminescent in the dark room. He looked like a vengeful angel; all fury and fiery beauty. Magnus felt like his heart had been wrenched out.

This will not do.

He wheeled to face Alec and he thought he heard the Shadowhunter gasp; probably at his expression, which, no doubt, currently looked like he was about to explode.

"I love you," Magnus spat out furiously. It wasn't really how he had intended it to come out and it sounded ridiculous. Alec gaped at him, open-mouthed.

"I – I didn't mean it to sound so forceful…" Magnus sputtered out.

Alec's lips twitched and Magnus could see his shoulders trembling. Confusion spread through him briefly, before Alec smiled and snorted out a barely contained guffaw. He had sounded entirely ridiculous and the laughter seemed to be contagious. He hadn't really noticed before, but the tension between them had been stifling and laughing together like this was allowing some of that to evaporate. Magnus suddenly felt very glad that he and Alec were still able to laugh together; it had been an important part of their relationship before.

However, Alec's laughter soon turned into another violent coughing fit and the young man doubled up in agony, blood splattering his hands as he held them to his mouth.

Magnus ran to him, his earlier anger completely forgotten, as he pulled the Shadowhunter to him in a firm embrace and steadied him.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." Magnus whispered to him repeatedly.

Finally, when Alec had just about recovered he rose a blood-stained hand outwards in a halting gesture for Magnus to be quiet.

"You don't have to make fun of me," he said firmly. Magnus' jaw almost hit the floor.

"Alec, I wasn't – I mean, I really mean it. I love you. I didn't even know you hadn't heard me say it to you since you've been here. I'm sorry; I'm just trying to make it up to you."

Alec looked at him warmly, making the Warlock's heart flutter.

"Maybe you're trying too hard," Alec told him in a barely audible whisper.

And Magnus couldn't take it anymore. He had been so delicate around Alec since his arrival, partly because of Alec's ill health but also because he wasn't sure whether jumping Alec and getting physical with him again so soon after their break-up would be appropriate. The Warlock grabbed hold of Alec's face and pulled the other man towards him, their lips crushing together

It was familiar and warm and made his body pulse like he had just come back to life. Had he really been so dead and cold without Alec? He supposed he had.

They broke apart to catch their breath. "Can you ever forgive me Magnus? Because I love you and you love me and, quite frankly, I don't want to – I can't – live without you in my life. Please tell me that there is hope for us?"

Magnus shot him a wicked grin.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood. I have been a fool and I am sincerely begging for your forgiveness. I made the biggest mistake of my life the night I pushed you away. I probably don't deserve a second chance, but seeing as you apparently have a head injury and are ok with it then I want you to know that I want you back. I want you back and I won't stop until you agree. Let's go back to how it used to be. Oh my God, I still love you Alec. In fact, I think I may just love you even more now."

Alec stared at him, his eyes shining in the moonlight that now streamed in through the window, unhindered by the open curtains.

"It's not as simple as that, is it?" Alec asked him, sounding genuinely intrigued.

"And why not? I love you, you love me. We have forgiven each other have we not?"

Alec's eyes dropped, sadness casting a horrible shadow over his beautiful angelic face.

"Magnus, you know it can't be the same as before. I wish it could be, but it just can't. I'm not sure I even want to go back to what we had before."

"Alec, what are you saying?" Magnus felt as though a bolt had just torn through his body. The Shadowhunter looked up at him, tears in his eyes.

"I want more, Magnus. I need more. Believe me, I've thought about it a lot. Us loving each other isn't enough. Maybe it was in the beginning, but let's face facts: there are some serious trust issues. You don't trust me, Magnus. You don't trust me with your past and any trust that I may have earned from you I completely obliterated by speaking to Camille behind your back."

"But I realise now that I was an idiot to not trust you Alexander. You placed all your trust in me and I was too stubborn to see that you needed the same from me in return. But I do trust you, Alec. I want to show you."

Magnus felt like he was pleading for his life, and losing the argument. Alec shook his head sadly, letting out a small, grief-laden laugh.

"The thing is I don't know if I can trust you in the same way anymore. How can I trust you to not just leave me behind again? How can I trust that when you tell me you love me that it's the same way that I love you?"

Magnus grabbed up Alec's hands, still wet and sticky with his blood and held them close to his chest, not caring if they would stain his clothes.

"You just have to," Magnus whimpered. He was vaguely aware that he was on the verge of crying now, pleading with Alec.

Why had he just assumed that he held all the power? Because he was the one who had broken up with Alec and not the other way around? He should have been prepared for Alec's rejection, but he had dared himself to think that Alec was helpless without him after what he had seen at the Warehouse. And then he saw tears trickle down the side of Alec's face too. They were both crying, both worried and feeling lost and afraid.

"But I can promise that I will never keep anything from you ever again. And I won't. I will never have any secrets from you ever again. Can you promise me that? Because I don't think you can, Magnus."

It was like all the air was sucked out of the room and Magnus felt like he was drifting into nothingness. He dropped Alec's bloodied hands and lowered his gaze in defeat.

"No, I can't promise you that," he said, resigned.

"I guess that's that then," Alec sighed, his voice cracking slightly.

"NO. I know I can't promise to tell you everything about my past, and I know that it might be a deal-breaker for you. But Alec, I do want to try." Magnus felt terrified suddenly. "D- do you want to try?" he stammered.

"I don't think I have ever heard you stammer before," Alec observed.

Magnus shot him as dazzling a smile as he could muster under the circumstances. It was like being on a rollercoaster; one second they were telling each other how much they loved each other and how they wanted to be together again; and the next moment they were definitely not together again and adamant that it wouldn't work. It was so complicated it was making his head hurt.

"Alec, do you want to be with me?"

The Shadowhunter looked back at him with those beautiful blue eyes. Magnus could make out their vibrant colour, even in the dim light. Alec let out a long sigh and dropped his head.

"More than anything," he muttered.

"And I want to be with you. I love you, Alexander. More than I have ever loved anyone or anything before in my entire life. I will devote myself body and soul to making you believe you can trust me again, I promise. Please give me – give us – another chance?"

In those few moments, awaiting Alec's reply, it seemed like the whole Earth had stopped spinning. His heart seemed to stop beating.

The young Nephilim looked him in the eye, as if he were searching for Magnus' soul, but did not say anything.

"Will you let me show you something?" Magnus asked, wanting to break the silence and end the tension. "Let me show you this and if you don't want to be with me anymore then at least you will know that I have shown you my heart."

Alec looked stunned and he nodded at Magnus soundlessly. The Warlock could not suppress his smile as he held out his hand for Alec to take. Their hands were still slick from Alec's blood, but that just made the situation more primal and intense. Magnus started uttering the words quietly and just managed to catch a look at the Shadowhunter's shocked face as white light blinded both of them.

Magnus knew what Alec would see because it was his own memory that he was showing him. It was the memory of the very first time he had seen Alec, that night him and his friends had come crashing into his life by crashing his party. He knew the spell would mean that Alec would be able to inhabit the memory as if he was Magnus himself; that he would feel everything Magnus felt.

Magnus tried to remember the scene in as much detail for Alec's benefit as possible. How arrested he felt to see Alec stood with his friends on the doorstep. How Magnus' eyes had seemed to be drawn to Alec, despite the shock of seeing little Clary Fray there with them; how Alec reminded him of Will; how he gazed at Alec through the crowd and admired his beauty, realising that he was not like Will at all, but then caught Alec checking out another man and his chest had started prickling with some inexplicable excitement and raw possibility and hope as he looked on.

He tried to convey that heat he had felt when Alec had laughed about putting holy water in the Vampire's bikes, and then how much hotter he felt when Alec's blue eyes became so alive when he asked about whether the bikes could fly. Then how Magnus' mind couldn't seem to concentrate properly when they were all in his bedroom, because he couldn't stop looking at Alec, trying to fathom him out; how surprised he had been to see Alec staring intently at him too, and how it made his heart flutter and how ridiculous he thought it was.

He tried to let Alec see and feel that when the Alec from Magnus' memory spoke it gave Magnus a strange tingling sensation down his neck, and how Magnus had unintentionally let slip that horrible memory of his 'parents' because he felt so off-guard. And then the sharp sting he felt when Alec had been so kind to him, how unfazed the Shadowhunter had seemed at Magnus' pitiful tale of his early life; like he understood the hurt, not just empathised with it.

And then that intense moment when they had locked eyes with each other, when Alec had asked him whether he had been part of the uprising. And then that wonderful bloom of surprise that flowered in Magnus' chest when he realised Alec was actually embarrassed for his fellow Nephilim, for the behaviour of the Circle. He had been so surprised and taken aback at Alec's reaction and so utterly turned on by that beautiful rosy flush across his face. Then came the flirtatious stares between the two of them and Alec looking like he would be sick. Magnus hadn't intended to frighten him and he tried very hard to push the memory of him feeling a little bad about that to the real Alec in front of him now.

Next, the memory of Magnus following the group from his bedroom, his eyes unable to peel themselves away from the beautiful curves of Alec's hips and ass. Finally, Magnus remembered how flustered and annoyed he felt and that Alec had been the cause because he had completely unsettled him; how he suddenly couldn't bear to look at another Vampire or Fairy that evening and had demanded everyone leave and that the party was over. Of course, Clary and all her questions and dramatic revelations had been partly to blame and had somewhat soured the mood of the whole affair, but it had been Alec who had clouded everything and made him doubt himself.

He pushed forward the memory of Alec leaving and Magnus deliberately overstepping his boundaries with his wink and 'call me' comment, just to see how Alec would react and to look once more at that beautiful blush. He hoped that the real Alec could feel not only how aroused he had been, but also how something had sparked in his chest at that moment and almost made him choke.

And then it was over and Magnus broke the contact. Alec looked at him in total amazement.

"Of all the memories you could have shown me, you show me one we share? You could have shown me something wonderful from your past – you know I want to share a memory from your past with you more than anything. Why choose that one?"

"I wanted to show you that one because that was the first time I saw you. Well, properly saw you anyway. And I loved you even then. I didn't realise it exactly, but I felt it. And you could feel it too just then, couldn't you? That strange feeling of electricity and excitement mixed with aching and an inability to breathe. I know now that what I felt right then was love; the very first spark of it. And that was the very first time I had ever felt that, Alexander. I began to realise, even that early on, that despite me thinking I had been in love before I hadn't. You turned my world upside down."

"You really mean that, don't you?"

Magnus nodded solemnly.

Alec timidly raised his hand and traced a ghostly pale fingertip along Magnus' cheekbone.

"If we do this again," he said, "I have some conditions."

Magnus looked at him sharply. Alec's lips were curved upwards into the hint of the smile, telling him that although there was now happiness there again, he was also serious.

"What kind of conditions, Alexander?" Magnus asked him smoothly.

"Firstly, I want you to share more memories with me. They don't all have to be like the one you just showed me, you could just tell me. I don't need everything all at once, but I really don't want there to be any secrets between us, ok? I need to know more about you, Magnus, and that means knowing about your past."

"Ok, fine. But I can only promise to try my hardest; I'm not comfortable digging up some of my memories, so don't be surprised if it takes me a while. If this is what it takes to get you back and keep you then I have no choice."

"So you still don't want to? Tell me anything about yourself I mean?"

Magnus sighed deeply. Perhaps he should be honest with Alec. This is what got them into this mess in the first place, after all: a lack of honesty.

"Here's the truth: I don't think I explained my reluctance properly to you before because I was being stubborn and I'm sorry. I have a lot of memories and a lot of the time they all blur together and I can't make sense of them exactly. The ones that stand out are either very important ones or, mostly, the truly horrific ones. I've seen and done things that I don't want to burden you with. Because it is a burden, having to carry around all this baggage of memories. Most of them are not happy or pleasant, Alec, and I love you and I would never intentionally darken your outlook of life, of people you know or have heard about, or of me and you. But I can promise you this now; I will not clam up. If you ask me about someone or something I shall endeavour to tell you everything I know. Believe it or not, I know how it feels to be left out of something; on the wrong side of the window, looking in. I promise – you have my solemn vow – I will never do that to you again."

Alec cleared his throat and Magnus' stomach tightened. He wasn't sure how Alec would react to what he had said, but he was also concerned that he may have another coughing attack.

"Secondly –" Alec continued; it seemed he had accepted everything Magnus had said and didn't feel like it needed any further explanation. "I want to know the name of everyone you have had a romantic relationship with. It may be a long list, but I still want to know. Because you are not the only one allowed to be the jealous boyfriend."

"Does that mean everyone I've ever slept with? Because I don't remember all of their names…"

"Just the ones you would consider significant," Alec interrupted, a slight quirk on the right side of his mouth where he was trying not to smile. It was adorable.

"Thirdly," he said, without stopping for breath. "I want to go to the opera, because you promised we would go after we missed the show in Vienna."

Magnus couldn't help but bark out a laugh at that.

"And I want you to kiss me and hold me tight. Right now. Because it is what I want more than anything in the world."

Magnus didn't need much prompting after that. He grabbed Alec to him, perhaps a little too roughly, and pressed their lips together.

The kiss contained all the frustration that had pent up in both of them over the past few weeks and they both let their relief pour into each other. It felt delicious.

"And I also want to reserve the right to amend or add to these conditions in the future…" Alec murmured against his lips, causing Magnus to chuckle and sending tingly vibrations between the two of them.

Their tongues met and caressed in a familiar, comforting way, but there was still a fire there, burning as brightly and as hotly as it ever had. They may have done this thousands of times before, but there was something new between them now and it was exciting, wonderful and ever so slightly terrifying. It was a strange mix – the familiar and comforting mingled inextricably with the new and unexplored. Alec's breath hitched and sent a wave of pleasure through him and he growled low in his throat at the sensation. Magnus' arms were wrapped around his waist, stroking his bare back underneath the thin white undershirt he was wearing. His skin was soft and Magnus was able to trace the familiar bumps of his scars delicately with the tips of his fingers. He briefly noted that Alec's usually muscular back felt very thin and unusually delicate beneath his touch, his vertebrae more prominent than usual. Alec sighed his name against his lips and pulled the Warlock even closer, deepening the contact.

They were lost in each other and Magnus felt like the kiss was reviving him, giving him life once more. He hadn't realised he had been dead without Alec. Bright colours of pleasure seemed to swirl around him and engulf him as Alec's hands tangled in his hair; a gesture he had been used to, but one now that felt so beautiful and fiery it made his heart beat faster and spread a deep warmth through his body.

Suddenly, Alec wrenched himself away from Magnus rather violently and pushed him. He stumbled with alarm and almost fell off the bed and dark thoughts began to creep around his mind that he was being rejected after all. And then Alec started coughing again, worse than ever. Magnus held the young man close to him, trying to hold him steady as his body trembled under the force. His face was buried into Magnus' shoulder and the Warlock could feel every agonising exhalation that wracked the poor boy's body vibrate through his own frame.

"Oh, Alec…" Magnus whispered into his dark and silky hair, breathing in the scent of him.

After what seemed like hours, Alec finally stopped and lay backwards, now exhausted, onto his pillows.

"Magnus, I'm so sorry…"

"Don't you dare apologise," Magnus smirked at him. "You know how I love playing Nurse."

"I meant I'm sorry about your clothes… I think I've stained them."

Magnus glanced down at his attire and, sure enough, his shirt was covered with splotches of varying shades of red; where Alec had just a moment ago coughed into his shoulder was still wet, whilst the other stains that had begun to dry and turn into something that resembled rust were left there from his earlier attacks that evening. Magnus noticed his hands were also covered with patches of dry blood. He frowned slightly; he had never found a good spell for removing tough stains.

"Magnus, I am sorry. I don't want to be this much of an inconvenience to you."

Magnus looked up at him sharply. "You are not an inconvenience, Alexander." He noticed that Alec's hands were also painted with dried blood and he had small dark spots all over his undershirt. "Maybe we should clean ourselves up," Magnus said, sounding predatory. He hadn't meant for it to sound quite so sexual… well, maybe he had.

"Well I wouldn't say no to a sponge bath, Nurse Bane," Alec smirked playfully at him. It made Magnus feel giddy.

Just like old times.

Magnus leant over and kissed Alec once more; he tasted of his blood, metallic and salty. But still somehow tasted wonderful.

"I love you," he told him earnestly.

"I love you too," Alec whispered back, tears clouding his stormy blue eyes.

OMG everyone, I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this! Feeling rather embarrassed...
I have been a tad manic, so please accept my apologies.

I hope you enjoyed this (rather long) little Magnus POV. Finally, there is a little bit of Malec fluff! Yay! Just a warning to you all - it will be getting WAY more fluffy from now on...

As always, please remember the 3 F's! Follow, Favourite and Feedback! Please do leave a review, as I would love to know how you felt about this one.