Chapter XII
It was just a few hours later that Kid and Lou returned to the way station after their ride together. Lou went straight to the house, and after taking care of the horses, Kid headed for the bunkhouse to have some rest before dinner.
When he entered, all the riders were inside. Cody, Buck and Ike were engaged in one of those never-ending poker games. Jimmy, who had just come back from his ride, was lying on his bunk looking absentmindedly at the ceiling. As Kid let himself in, all of them stared at him. They had been surprised that he had had the guts to take Lou for a ride. They were more at ease with her now, but they would not feel comfortable wandering around with her alone. They did not say a word and just expected Kid to tell them all about his afternoon. Yet, the Southerner ignored their inquisitive looks, and turned his attention to Jimmy.
"Hey, Jimmy," he greeted him cordially. "How was your ride?"
Hickok eyed him intently and sat up slowly. "Fine," he said nonchalantly. "And yours?"
"We told Jimmy that you had taken Louise for a ride," Cody piped in, unable to hide his amusement.
Kid knew that he would be bombarded by their questions, and he was not in the mood to answer any of them. He did not feel like making up story just to calm his friends' curiosity. Sometimes he hated their prying and guessing games, and privacy seemed to be as scanty around these parts as water in the desert.
"Nothing special," Kid answered curtly. "Just a ride."
"Well," Jimmy continued. "It didn't look so non-special to me. You seemed to be having a great time, there in Willow Bluff."
Kid felt the color rise on his face, and remained speechless, staring wide-eyed at his friend. He had seen them, he kept repeating. But how much had he seen? He felt fear flash throughout his body, and wished that this was just a terrible nightmare. Jimmy's expression told him what he already suspected. Jimmy knew, and Kid feared that everything would come to light now, and in that case, it would only cause more inconveniences to Louise. Kid could envision Boggs raging and charging against her. The idea of what this would mean made him sick with worry. But Jimmy wouldn't tell, would he? He was his friend, wasn't he? Yet, at this moment he began doubting everything and felt at a loose end.
The two riders kept staring at each other without uttering one single word. The others were clueless of what was happening between the two friends, and simply watched the weird exchange, wondering what all that was about.
"Jimmy, I…" Kid began hesitantly but Jimmy cut him off abruptly.
"What the hell were you thinking, Kid?" he bellowed as he jumped to his feet from his position on the bunk. He had been in shock to see what he had seen. He was not a snooper, and had not intended to spy on his friend. It had been sheer chance that he had just passed by, and catching a glimpse of Kid's horse he had come to check whether everything was in order. Yet, the sight that had met him was not what he had expected in a million years.
"Wait," Kid tried to find an excuse. "It's not what it looks like."
"Ain't it?" Jimmy came closer and glared at him dangerously. "Tell me you and Miss Louise weren't smooching down there."
"What?" the rest of the riders chorused, their eyes wide in shock. Kid felt that he was in front of a firing squad and he wondered when they would fire the last bullet.
"Look," he was at a loss and could hardly find the right words to say. Sighing, he looked down in defeat. "I don't rightly know what to tell you."
"Kid," Jimmy had calmed down a bit after seeing the expression on his friend's face. "We don't want to judge you, but this is so odd of you. I know she's quite pretty and all, but this ain't like you at all. Couldn't you keep your lips to yourself? Kissing her will only bring you trouble."
"Don't I know it!" Kid said wryly. "I've tried everything to resist her, but everything has been useless. It's something so strong that I can't control it. Since the first day I met her I haven't been able to erase her from my mind, and each day is worse and worse."
"But, Kid," Cody continued still shocked at his friend's revelation. "Her? I don't picture you as the desperate type. I can introduce you to at least a dozen women, sane healthy women, and they will be as happy as a puppy, I tell you."
"You don't understand, do you?" Kid bellowed in frustration. "I didn't plan what happened that day in …"
"One moment," Buck interrupted. "Do you mean that this has been going on for a while?" the Kiowa asked baffled.
Kid looked down again sheepishly, and bobbed his head up and down in admission. Then he gathered all his courage, and lifted his gaze to them. "We have been seeing each other for a few days… rather sneaking to meet when everybody was sleeping … since the day of the dance."
"God, Kid!" Jimmy threw his arms to the air exasperated, and came to face him. "What do you have inside your head?" He said giving Kid a cuff in his nape.
Kid glared at him and reached to touch his sore head. Then crossing to the other end of the room, he flopped into his bunk heavily. He hid his face in his hands, and after a few seconds looked up at the staring riders.
"You don't understand. This ain't a whim of mine. I love her," Kid stated flatly, and at the stupefied expression of his friends he continued. "I love her more than anything. She's sweet, kind and funny. I love to talk with her and when we're together, I forget everything about her problems. I've never felt the way I feel when I'm with her. I ain't a fool, and I'm well aware how the situation is, but…" his voice faded away, and he could not find any more words. He had said more than he had planned, but he felt a sense of relief and peace after unburdening his soul to his astonished friends.
The riders kept staring at him. They were not sure what they should say and the best they could do so far was to shut up. Jimmy realized he had been too hard to his friend, and he could understand what Kid must have been feeling. All of them had had bad experiences with women sometime in their lives. He had been in love with women that had always belonged to somebody else. Emma had been a first tender love, and looking back, Jimmy admitted that on those days he had felt the need to belong and be loved, and Emma happened to have just been there. He had been hurt by her soft rejection, but deep inside he had always been aware that it was an impossible illusion. With Sarah it had been so much worse; he had been more than hooked on the woman, and had even had hopes and dreams about her, but she had broken his heart and had deceived him conscientiously. He had been so naïve and stupid. The list did not stop there, but he did not want to think of his own heart-aching experiences.
Jimmy smiled wryly at his bad luck with the ladies and thought it was somewhat curious that all his fellow riders were just as successful with women as him. Cody was always bragging that women adored him, that he was very popular, but in reality he had never had a stable relationship with any girl, and most times he was given the brush-off. Buck had quite enough problems with the townspeople about his heritage and obviously not many women even dared to talk to him. Once he had a strong crush on the last banker's daughter, but she had only used him for her own good and the boy had not wanted anything from women since then. Noah's story was very similar to Buck's. A town full of narrow-minded hypocrites was not the best place for a free black man. And Ike had also had his own portion of disappointment. He had almost proposed to a girl when her fiancé had reappeared from the "grave", and the gentle rider had been sore for weeks. They were really a pathetic bunch, Jimmy thought. And now it was Kid's turn, but his case was even worse. He knew that he loved the girl and seemingly she reciprocated his feelings, but the circumstances jammed their happiness to be together. It was really frustrating to want something that you know you will never get.
"You're really smitten with her, uh?" Jimmy said after a couple of minutes. Kid nodded sadly, and his friend continued. "What are you planning to do? You can't marry her, can you?"
Kid sighed and smiled. "Lou just says 'let's live the moment'. But I ain't sure it will be enough for me. I know I can take care of her. Perhaps we can see some specialized doctor who might help her and …" he took a deep inhale of air. "I just don't know, Jimmy, I don't know."
"Honestly, Kid, I don't envy your position," Jimmy said. "But I hope everything will turn out for the best for you."
Kid smiled thankfully and saw that the other riders echoed Jimmy's words gesturing their encouragement.
"Thank you, boys," Kid muttered. "I just wish she didn't get hurt in all this, I just wish that".
It was dinnertime, and the bunkhouse was like usual full with its occupants. The riders were having a discussion about some minor subject and were monopolizing the conversation during dinner. Kid remained silent, and kept his attention on the food. After what had happened that afternoon in the bunkhouse, he did not feel like saying anything or talking to anybody. The boys had been very understanding and had agreed to keep quiet about the whole subject. After all, it was just his business, and they seemed to share his views somehow. Kid would hate himself if Boggs got to catch wind of everything just for his indiscretion.
Kid kept glancing from time to time at Lou, who was sitting across from him. She seemed awfully quiet this evening, and the Southerner wondered what was wrong. She was usually cheerful and lively during meals, and this afternoon she had seemed carefree and had been giggling and joking with him. Yet, now she had a sullen expression, and had not even given him one single faint smile since she had entered the bunkhouse. Kid imagined that the reason for her gloominess was that her father had granted more of his generous snide remarks once again. She had come out of the house with him alone while Rachel was finishing cooking in the bunkhouse, and it wouldn't be a surprise if that was the reason of her sudden change.
Louise was finishing her food, and Boggs ordered her gruffly to go back to her room. She nodded, and got up from her seat at the table. Picking up her plate, she went to the sink to wash it up.
"Martin is gonna be here at first light," Boggs said without even turning his eyes to her. "So go straight to bed, I can't afford you to oversleep. The sooner you leave, the sooner you'll get there." Louise just nodded and continued washing up slowly and in silence.
"Where's Louise going, John?" Rachel asked hesitantly, fearing the answer.
"Where do you think, Rachel?" the banker answered. "Where she belongs. I received notice this morning, and Martin is taking her back."
Kid felt his breath stop and a pressure seemed to be squeezing his chest tight. The room had suddenly become silent, and the only sound that Kid could hear was a desperate voice shouting in his head. "She's going, she's going". He knew that this moment would arrive sooner or later, but he had not wanted to think about it, and now that it was here he had a strong urge to say something, to do something, but strangely his mind seemed numb. In his confused state of mind he heard Rachel saying something.
"So soon?" Rachel asked. "They said it would be two weeks."
"Well," Boggs answered irritated, "the sooner, the better."
Rachel was at a loss with this sudden piece of news. She knew that she did not want Louise to leave, but she was not sure how she could approach the subject and more importantly how she could convince her husband.
"John," she began dubiously, uncertain of what to say. "I… this ain't right." John gave her a dubious look, and Rachel continued. "Haven't you realized how calm Louise has been during all this time? I know I can take good care of her. Yes, she had a fit, but it wasn't such a big problem after all. We can't send her back! She will be happier here with us than in that asylum. Won't you reconsider it, John? Please," she blabbered away, stumbling over her own words, and sighed in relief as she finally expressed what she wanted to say.
Kid snapped out of his reverie as he heard Rachel speak, and a weak light of hope shone on the horizon. Perhaps she wouldn't have to leave and the thought brought a smile to his lips. He kept his breath waiting for Boggs's answer, and inwardly he prayed that he would consent.
Louise almost dropped the plate that she was drying as Rachel was trying to convince her father to let her stay. She wondered if she could really dream and hope that she would not have to go back to the asylum. It was what she had been looking forward to for four long years, to leave the asylum for good, and perhaps it could come true. Rachel might convince her father, she had done it several times during these days, but this, this wasn't so easy. Could she believe that it could happen?
Boggs narrowed his eyes as he heard his wife, and snorted in disbelief. He knew that Rachel had grown quite fond of Louise, but never had he thought that she would even consider what she was telling him. "What are you saying, Rachel?" he said harshly. "You know she can't stay here. When are you going to understand that she's completely insane?" he snarled angrily.
Rachel was taken aback by her husband's bitterness. She had been aware that it would not be easy to convince him, but she had never expected him to cast his anger on her. However, she was not going to be stopped so easily, and she would see to it that Louise stayed. It was ridiculous that she had to be locked up in one of those terrible places when she was behaving just fine most of the time. "John," she spoke firmly, "we can't send her back. We're her family and it's not fair. You know that we can cope with her… uh… with her 'singularities'. I know about her fits and the images in her head, but we can deal with that. It ain't such a big deal, but it's plain cruel to send her away just for that."
"Just for that?" Boggs sneered at her as he stood up from his seat. He approached Louise and grabbing her by the arm he forcefully dragged her towards the table. Louise tried to break loose, and kept thrashing, but Boggs had taken a firm hold of her. He addressed Rachel when he came to her side, while doing everything to control the girl. "Rachel, I don't care about the fits, I don't care about her crazy ideas. I don't care if she believes herself to be Napoleon or Joan of Arc. What concerns me is this."
He stretched her arm forcefully, and pulling up her sleeve he revealed a series of scars across her wrist. There were at least six scratches of different size on her white skin. Rachel gasped audibly and the rest stared at them with wide eyes. Louise was fighting her father's hold with all her strength, but her efforts seemed useless. She had the sensation of drowning and needed to get away. How could he do this to her? She felt tears prick in her eyes, and tried hard to hold them back. It wasn't the best time to cry, she just wanted to go away and leave the place. "That's why she's there," Boggs continued after a few seconds. "That's why I sent her there. When she was thirteen, she decided to try this new game," Boggs spoke sarcastically. "Wrist-slashing. And seemingly, she liked it a lot because she has kept repeating it over and over since then." He grabbed Lou's face in his hand strongly. "When was the last time, honey? Four months ago? Yeah, just that short a time ago." By then Lou was sobbing uncontrollably and just stared at him. Boggs finally unleashed his hold and the girl ran out of the bunkhouse. The room was silent but Boggs continued his harangue. "Rachel, I don't care what she does any longer. She can slice herself up for all I care. But my children live here, and I'm not going to risk their security. One day she might get bored with her own wrists, and want to try somebody else's, but it will be somewhere else, not here. Understand, Rachel?"
Rachel just nodded and realized that she was as ignorant of Louise's situation as the first day she had met her. She was quite sure that Lou would never hurt anybody but she had no arguments. Louise would be leaving tomorrow, and she could not do anything about it.
As soon as Louise had reached the refuge of her room, she had dropped onto the floor heavily, next to her bed and had buried her head in the soft bedspread. She had let her tears flow freely down her face once she had left the bunkhouse and the shocked faces of its occupants. Now it was more than an hour since the incident and she was still weeping. She had heard Rachel and her father talk as they had passed by her room on their way to their own. In this moment the house was in utter silence, and the only sounds in the darkened room were her muffled sobs.
She was unable to stop her crying. When she managed to calm down for a while, the memory of her father flaunting her scars came to her mind, and she began weeping heartedly again. She had never felt so ashamed and hurt in all her life. How could he do something like that to her and in front of the riders, Rachel, and Teaspoon? She had never been proud of those scars on her skin, and had tried to hide them from people's inquisitive eyes as hard as possible. Each one of those marks described her pain, her misery, her very soul. They showed her true self and her own vulnerability, and he had shown them as if he owned them, as if he owned her very soul. Louise had felt practically naked in front of those curious gazes and she had felt like dying. "How dare he? How dare he?" she kept repeating herself. Her feeling was a mixture of shame, pain and anger. "He can drag me through mud and humble me at the lowest point, but this… this was too much." He had allowed that dark part that everybody tries to hide to become obvious to people's curiosity. Till that moment she had had at least that secret part for herself, but now she had nothing, she was nothing any longer.
What will they be thinking of me at this moment? She wondered. She had never been worried about people's opinions, and she had done what her wrists showed at her own choice and had never regretted her actions, but now the feeling of shame was suffocating and completely overwhelming. Rachel had looked at her as if it was the first time that she had set eyes on her, as if she was seeing a different person. Louise thought that Rachel was probably kicking herself for suggesting stupidly she stay, and would be relieved to see her go. And Kid. Oh God. She hadn't dared to look at him but she guessed that he had received the shock of his life. She hadn't been able to see the painful expression in his eyes, and didn't think she would have the guts to face him anymore. Fortunately, tomorrow she would be gone and she wouldn't see any of them, she thought sadly.
Lou was just pondering all these confusing ideas and thoughts when she faintly heard a soft sound at the window. She did not think much of it but as the sound was followed by another, and then by another, her curiosity took the best of her. She stood up clumsily from her dejected position on the floor, and wiped the remaining tears with her hand gruffly. Slowly she approached the window, and to her surprise she saw who was making those peace-disturbing noises. Down in the yard there was Kid throwing tiny pebbles at the upper window, and clearly trying to catch her attention. She smiled at his sweet gesture, and for some strange reason her recent troubling feelings were forgotten as soon as she saw him.
He stopped when he noticed her presence behind the window and gestured her to come down to meet him like every night. Then Kid saw her disappear from his sight, and he headed to the barn, where she knew he would be waiting for her. He had been tense, nervous and worried since Lou had left the bunkhouse in that sudden way. Boggs' revelation tonight had been shocking to say the least, and since then, Kid had been thinking hard, and wondering what could have pushed a thirteen-year-old girl to try to kill herself, and do it over and over again since then. Children do not think about death, they are just beginning to live.
Kid still remembered when he was that age. Though he was basically alone and there had been too many deceptions in his life, he had never felt such desperation. On the contrary, he had been full of dreams and plans; he had wanted to leave his land and look for adventure, for something new. Even now he felt he had a whole life before him despite the pending dangers that he faced almost every day. He wanted to live and couldn't imagine anything that could have brought him to such a defenseless state. But she's not like everybody. She's not fine, he thought sadly, and he had to admit morosely that she would be better off in the asylum, after all he may not be suitable to take care of her, and he wanted the best for her, the right people and place that could help her. His dreams had been crushed in just one second, and the reality had hit him powerfully.
Kid knew that the incident had upset Lou terribly, and had wanted to look for her and comfort her. As usual he had to wait for everybody to fall asleep. They knew now about him and Lou, but he wanted to keep their meetings secret from the rest, at least for her sake. The minutes had never passed as slowly as today. He needed to see her, hold her, and check that she was fine, but he had to be patient. When finally he had been able to get away, he had got worried since she was not in the barn as usual. The house was pitch-dark, which meant that Rachel and Boggs were sleeping, but Lou wasn't there with him, and he had grown more and more concerned by the minute. Unable to stand the uncertainty any longer, he had cautiously approached the house; he needed to know she was fine. He had finally sighed relieved when he had seen her through the window and was now waiting eagerly for her arrival.
Tonight it would be their last time together, and he was missing her already. She wouldn't be here any longer, he wouldn't see her smile, he wouldn't greet her every morning, he wouldn't kiss her at night, and he wouldn't hear her soft voice anymore. He would never see her again and the thought threw a stabbing pain throughout his body.
Somebody cleared their throat behind him and as he turned around and saw her, a smile lit his sad demeanor. He came to her, and hugged her tight. She pulled herself closer to him and tilting her head she let his lips brush softly against hers. When they pulled away, they remained in that position, holding tight onto each other. Lou ventured to look at him, and noticed his closed eyes and his beaming smile.
"Kid?" she dared to shatter the silence.
"Huh?" Kid mumbled without even opening his eyes.
"I… I need something," she stated hesitantly.
"What?" Kid asked and looked at her, intrigued by the hesitancy in her voice.
"I want," she continued, "to do with you … what … what … married people do… in the bedroom." Her voice faltered, and she felt her cheeks flushing a brilliant red.
Kid removed his arms from her small frame, and stared at her with wide eyes. "Lou … no … we… we… can't" he stuttered.
"Why not?" she inquired, deeply hurt.
"Because it's not…"
"Right?" she finished off for him. "You keep saying the same over and over again."
Kid smiled wryly at her quick perception. "Yeah, it isn't," he said flatly. "It's not right". He didn't know what else to tell her, he had no arguments and didn't find any valid excuses to refuse her request. He really wanted her, and hadn't wished anything so much in his whole life. He wanted to make love to her and melt with her as if they were just one. Yet, he couldn't even consider the idea; that was out of question as much as it pained him.
"Kid, please," she insisted. "Tomorrow I'll be gone, and I need something to treasure in my heart, something really special. I have to survive there, and memories of you will make it easier." Her eyes shone and her voice was quavering. "I want to feel loved and love just once. Please."
Kid reached up to caress her cheek, and smiled at her open sincerity. He was lost when those big brown eyes looked at him. He would bring her the moon wrapped up and with a ribbon if she asked him.
"I told you that I ain't as innocent as people think," she smiled.
Once again he met her sweet lips and reveled in the softness of their kiss. He looked at her with the question in his eyes, "Are you sure?" but hers were resolute, and did not show a single trace of doubt. He took her hand in his, and led her to an empty stall. There in the silent barn the two young lovers allowed free rein to their mutual passion in a night that seemed to approach its end too fast.
The two lovers lay on the fresh hay of the stall, wrapped in a blanket which barely covered their naked bodies. After sharing intimate unforgettable moments, they stayed close, curled up, reveling in each other's warmth. Lou had fallen in a peaceful sleep, and Kid just stared at her, still enthralled by the passion they had just tasted. He could not take his eyes off her, and kept admiring her beauty openly. How would he be able to live without her? He wondered. She had placed herself in his heart, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to forget her easily. But he had to, she would be gone in a few hours, and he would probably never see or hear from her again. He felt as though a part of him was being snatched from him, and he couldn't do anything.
After tonight how could he love another woman but her? She was not the first woman that he had been with, but he had never experienced such strong feelings and sensations before. Everything had been so perfect and magical, like a dream, and Kid did not dare to move as if afraid that everything would vanish into thin air. Yet, after a few more silent moments he could not help it and began kissing her tenderly again.
Louise moaned as she woke up from her slumber, and slowly opened her eyes. She smiled at him as she felt his kisses on her skin. Kid noticed that she was awake, and looked at her bashfully. "Sorry, honey. I couldn't control myself," he whispered happily.
She did not say a word, and just kept staring tenderly at him. His body was hovering over her, supporting his weight on his arms that flanked her body. Lou lifted one hand, and traced his face softly with her slender fingers. "I love you," she muttered out of the blue. "I love you so much." Her voice trembled as she put heart and soul in each word.
Her sincere declaration caught Kid off guard, and he couldn't utter one single word. It was the first time that she had actually said that she loved him, and it had moved Kid enormously. Her declaration only corroborated what he already knew. Lou was like an open book to him, and he had been aware of her feelings without hearing the actual words. As for him, he had been afraid to voice his deep love for her and had always tried to hide it. He had been always on guard not to let anything slip away, because he had thought that expressing his feelings would only cause them more pain, but he had been mistaken. The pain was there, and now he felt regretful for not opening up to her. At this moment he couldn't leave her in the cold, she had exposed her bare self firmly in saying those three words, and she deserved his own sincerity, at least once.
"Lou, I…" he tried to say, but Louise put her index finger on his lips to silence him.
"Don't," she whispered. "Don't say anything. It's perfect as it is. Save those words for the woman that one day you'll truly love and marry. Don't waste those holy and special words on me."
Kid just looked at her sadly, and knew that this was really the end. She would be gone from his life for good and he would miss her smile, her kisses, her eyes, all of her. She would only be a memory, just a memory.
Early in the morning the whole Express family joined in the yard to see Louise off. She seemed quite calm and resigned to leave. Her face showed signs of the lack of sleep, and Kid could tell that she must have been crying in her room the rest of the night after they had separated. He couldn't believe that this was actually happening, he was losing her defenselessly. He cursed himself for falling for her, and wished that he had never met her. But the thought sent a stabbing pain to his heart; meeting her had been one of the best things that had happened in his life, but also the worst. Just treasure her in your heart, Kid thought, that's what she had told her when they had said goodbye.
Lou said good-bye to Rachel and the two women joined in a hug. Rachel was crying and promising her to visit from time to time. Kid realized how much the station mistress had grown fond of Lou, but who couldn't? Kid wondered. And his eyes fell on Boggs who seemed impassible and almost ecstatic. The banker just kept rushing her, and Kid felt the need to let his rage free and show Boggs what he really thought.
Then Louise turned to the riders and Teaspoon and said a shy good-bye. Her eyes lingered on Kid a bit longer, and he could see her pain and wanted to hold her as he had done so many times. But he couldn't do it, not even one last time, though his body ached to feel her.
Louise looked away and morosely let Boggs help her on the wagon. He never said good-bye, no 'take care', nothing. She wanted to cry, but she wouldn't allow him to see any more tears. She kept her eyes on him, and managed to smile proudly as the wagon began its march.
Kid remained there, in the yard, just seeing the dust behind the carriage. One by one the rest had left the deserted yard, but he stayed there even when the dust had settled and nothing could be seen. He just stood there looking in the distance. Alone.