If you're wondering why there's a lightning storm in the middle of the winter… ask climate change.

Izaya slowly closed his laptop, his eyes trained on Shizuo as the lightning illuminates them. He watches Shizuo flinch after every flash of light in the sky. He watches Shizuo's clenched hands tremble as he makes himself watch the light show.

He wants to tear his gaze away, but the twisted side of his heart glues his gaze to the scene, makes him observe reactions and monitor every shaky breath Shizuo takes. A bellow of thunder and Shizuo seems to shrink into himself and Izaya cringes as he watches Shizuo suffer. But he can't make himself turn away.

He can't bear to see the once so strong man like this, quivering before the storm. To be reduced to someone so terribly weak and pathetic. But this is something that he had vowed to change. This was someone that Izaya never wanted to see again.

Shizuo did not have to be alone. Izaya would not let him suffer by himself.

He stands in one fluid movement, gliding across the floor without a sound until his stood directly behind the blonde. He analyzes Shizuo's quick breathing, imagines wide mocha eyes, full of a fear that Izaya would pretend not to see, but know it was there all the same. Know it was there and know that he needed to change that.

His hands shot forward as another snarl sounded and Shizuo recoiled again. He gripped the back of the chair and spun it around with jerky movements, Shizuo's head snapping up as the wheels squeaked against the floor.

The blonde's hands clung to the wheel, stopping his movement short, Izaya released him and took a step back, now that he had accomplished his goal and Shizuo was facing him. He had Shizuo's attention. It was on him and not his memories and Izaya planned to keep it on him until the storm ended.

Shizuo and Izaya glowered at each other, silent battles of will, not once breaking trance. Trying to read each other and the only thing Izaya could think was that he didn't know how he even got into a situation like this at all.

Because the man in front of him wasn't Shizuo, it was a deflated, rotted, living ghost of a man he so desperately wanted back, it was a skittish animal that was still stubbornly hanging onto life though the odds were stacked against him and every fiber in his body told him to let go.

Izaya was a parasite that drilled its way into his heart and took residence there, he was that one last link to hold him together, the only anchor to bring him back to earth, he was someone that was not going anywhere until Shizuo was fixed and that was that.

Izaya was the flea that had corrupted the beast and invoked violence and hate in him whenever he appeared. Izaya was the man that would heal the beast and grant him unbreakable peace and belonging that he deserved.

"Stop looking at me like that." Shizuo interrupted his thoughts.

Izaya blinked. "Like what?"

The man before him scowled and twisted his head away, as if when he looked away Izaya would cease to exist. And when he looked back, he would be alone once more. "I dunno… You look sad." Shizuo muttered.

The informant looked down; as if when he looked away Shizuo would change and when he looked back, he would see someone he wanted to. As if all his problems would go away if, he refused to acknowledge them. "I am sad." He murmured simply.

Izaya took a shaky breath and continued, "I'm sad because I don't want to see you this way. I'm sad because you won't let me help you. I'm sad because there's so much that needs to be done and you aren't helping me. I'm…"

I'm sad because I need you in my life and I don't know how to tell you. I'm sad because you could never return any feelings I might hold for you. I'm sad because I need to help you and it's so painful to see you like this. I'm sad because I want you and you don't want me.

Izaya bowed his head "I…" but the words dried up in his throat. "I can dodge anything you throw at me. I can run away from you and run and run and you'd never catch me… But I'm not running anymore. I'm here… for you." He opted, but the words rang flat into the air.

It wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough. Not close enough to what he wanted to say, what he meant to say, but how could he bring something like that up when he wasn't sure if his feelings were true? What if his inner thoughts came out and Shizuo was disgusted by him? Then he would lose all chances of things returning to normal. It was too risky.

"No" Shizuo insisted, "It's something else, something you're not telling me."

Damn, when did you become so good at reading people? Or am I getting soft?

"That's all it is," Izaya lied, "That's… all there will ever be for us."

Shizuo was silent, mulling over his words as Izaya regretted every moment that passed. But in the back of his mind, he felt a half-hearted victory; Shizuo was occupied with him and unaware of the raging storm above their head.

"I…" Izaya choked, realizing that he had begun to say his thoughts aloud. "I can't…"

He clamped his mouth shut. Shizuo observed him, dark mocha eyes giving him all attention. Although, Izaya hated to think that Shizuo had the upper hand, he hated the loud uncomfortable silence that spanned between the two; he hated the urge he felt to keep talking and fill it up with his obscene babbling.

He hated that the longer he spoke the worse it made him sound and Shizuo knew it and that was why he was waiting for Izaya to finish a sentence he really didn't want to consider.

"Why aren't you trying?" Izaya whispered, going to another subject with a question that would force the brute to talk. He hated the lack of fight in a man who used to live enshrouded in violence and loud city nights, now sitting back and waiting for Izaya to give up on him and let him die.

"Why should I try?" Shizuo sighed. "There's nothing here for me, no matter how many times you tell me differently."

Izaya opened his mouth to respond, but Shizuo cut him off, picking up speed as he went on.

"Stop trying to deny it, stop making excuses Izaya." Shizuo's voice cracked. "Get over it. Let me go. I'm broken. What more do you want from me?"

"Shizuo-"

"But don't you see it? I don't need you." Shizuo finished, his gaze downcast, not able to meet the informant's eyes.

It was for that Izaya was glad, for then the brute could not see the shock and hurt reflected in his eyes. He tried to speak, but his throat was tightening and the only sound that would come out was an uneven croak.

"Shizuo." Izaya tried anyway, "Sometimes life hands you bad cards. Sometimes you're playing with all the kings and queens and sometimes you get the jokers. But that doesn't mean you give up. Life will move on. It will get better."

"Izaya." Shizuo said slowly. "Stop. Stop doing this. Stop doing this to me. Stop doing this to yourself. Stop trying so hard."

Shizuo lifted his head to meet Izaya's pain filled gaze and Izaya did not try to mask his emotions. He needed to be honest with himself and Shizuo, and hope that some of it will get through to him. He was not playing games.

"No" Izaya croaked, "I will never give up on you Shizuo. I will never stop fighting for you. I will be with you every step of the way."

"Why?"

Why? "Because… Because I…" but the words would not come to him. He slumped his shoulders in defeats. "Because I have to. I have to." He repeated as if the more he said it the closer it would come the truth.

I think I love you.

He remembered how it felt having Shizuo share his warmth the other day, how he had clutched his hand to his chest and nuzzled it against his face and how he wanted so much more than just a hand to hold. He remembered how right it had felt to hold the him so close to him.

He remembered the longing he had felt, the impulse to fit right into the crook of Shizuo's arm and press up against him as if he was meant to be there. He wanted to it like a puzzle piece next to Shizuo like it was made for him to be there. He wanted to feel his heartbeat. He remembered Shizuo's comforting scent, breathing it in and never wanting to let it go.

But he could not find the strength today. Not when Shizuo was so ready to deny him, shoot him down like his feelings were never there at all, like his words were just words and nothing all. Like his feelings meant nothing at all to him and they were just lies.

And there was nothing but the silence, a constant reminder of what should have been said and done but was not because Izaya was a coward and that would never change.