- Colorless Sunrise -
Washing the coagulating clumps of blood off my face stung severely, and I leaned over the sink squeezing my eyes shut for a moment as the swirl of diluted red disappeared down the drain. The segments of bare muscle beneath burned from exposure to the water and air. I bit my lip against the pain and stood to examine the damage more closely in the mirror. Several jagged sections of raw flesh, branching from the long slice down the left portion of my face, were cut across in deep diagonals near my eye and cheekbone. The cut was dangerously close to my eye socket and I shuddered, turning my attention to my leg.
Fresh gauze was now wrapped around the clean but otherwise horrendously mutilated portion of my thigh where both stab and bullet wound resided. Lucky was an understatement, since both had managed to miss the bone. It would need layers of stitches, probably, or a series of high level cure materia but I didn't care at the moment because I hadn't found any mako yet. The pain coursing through my face and leg paled in comparison to the deep relentless need for mako that had surfaced with alarming voracity. Since my physical injuries had been taken care of to the best of my ability, their priority rescinded and I had to address this other debilitation quickly. The fluorescent bulbs above the mirror irritated my eyes as I furiously tore through the contents of the side cabinet, searching. Under the sink. On top the cabinet. Along every linoleum tile, every crack in the floor or walls. Nothing there.
The headache was growing more severe, my mouth was dry, and now my skin felt cold. I tried to calm myself and went into the kitchen, scouring every cabinet, every drawer. Still no sign of any tiny green pills. Nothing. I was beginning to panic. Lastly, the bedroom.
Tifa was standing over my bed, holding a photograph in her hand. It was the black and white picture of her that Jude had given me, the only one I had of her. I had left it lying atop my desk.
"I remember when I took this photo... Cloud, if only I would have known that you'd be the next person holding it after I gave it to Jude," she said wistfully, sitting down gently on my bed and leaning against the red comforter piled next to my pillow.
"It's the only one I have, you know," I told her somewhat thoughtlessly as I pulled open the drawers in my desk, flipping through its contents frenetically.
"Are you... looking for something?" she asked finally, and added suspiciously, "You've been tearing this place apart."
"... Not really," I responded, now looking under the bed.
"What are you searching for?" She eyed me carefully, putting the photo down near the nightstand.
But I didn't respond because the cold was starting to make me shiver, my fingertips numbing.
"Cloud?"
"What?" I snapped without looking up.
"Do you at least have a cure materia around? Or a phone so we can call for help?" she asked timidly.
"Call who? And no, I don't have any materia," I informed her, and resumed tearing apart my closet, searching every piece of clothing, every pocket, for mako.
"Call our friends. Yuffie or Barret or Cid. Even Vincent or Nanaki!"
"I haven't spoken to them... in a long time. I'd rather not."
"Cloud..."
"What?" I finally turned to look at her, aggravated in my fruitless search.
"You look... sick. What did they do to you?" The concern was evident all over her face, her voice soft and caring.
"Nothing. I mean, well, aside from..." I motioned at the left half of my face, the residual sting and ache no longer registering as important.
"Hmm," she seemed not to believe me, but continued regardless, "Well, there's got to be a phone around here. We have to call someone to help us!"
Her wavering tone and the subtle shift in her gaze made me realize how dizzy she probably was, especially now that the adrenaline was starting to settle. We were out of immediate danger, and I had to stop thinking about myself and take care of her.
"Tif, you should lay down," I said softly, realizing how harsh my previous words had sounded, "Just rest a bit. Let me get you a glass of water and change the bandage on your shoulder."
She stared at me defiantly for a few fleeting seconds, then nodded once and moved her weight down further into the bed until she was lying flat. All at once, her muscles relaxed and she let out a sigh, wiping sweat from her forehead. After retrieving a glass of water from the kitchen and the roll of bandages along with a bottle of antiseptic from the bathroom, I returned to find her curled on her side with her eyes closed.
Slowly, I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to ignore the stubborn pain in my head. Instantly, her eyes snapped open and she gasped as though startled then relaxed once more. She drank the entire glass of water, then collapsed again.
"Didn't realize how weak –"
"You're not weak," I assured her, "You've suffered a huge injury."
"But we need to leave..."
"Let me help you first."
"And what about you?"
"I'll be fine."
She didn't say another word and looked the other way as I removed the dirty red bandage from her shoulder. Beneath it, the cloth of her shirt had been torn away and there was a dark red mass surrounded by cracking dried edges. She winced as I carefully cleaned the spot to reveal the actual wound hidden under the globs of blood. It had been crudely sewn shut with black thread by someone, but since there was no exit wound, I was worried that the bone beneath was shattered from stopping the bullet. And I hadn't seen her move her arm in the slightest, and it had to be excruciating. She was simply masking whatever pain she felt.
"How does it look?" she asked in a low voice.
The wound was smaller than I had expected, given the quantity of blood that was soaking down her side from it, causing her top to cling tightly to her skin.
"Well, if all this blood is just from your shoulder, then..." The situation was worse than I originally thought, yet it was hard to concentrate through the demanding pain in my head. "Whoever sewed this shut had no idea what he was doing."
It was all catching up to her now that we had stopped running, and although I was desperate to get some mako, I had to force myself to think of her well being.
I soaked her whole shoulder with antiseptic and covered it tight with a fresh clean bandage. Still, it wouldn't be enough. I had to somehow get her help, though I didn't know how I would manage that since I could hardly walk and the city outside was undoubtedly crawling with associates. The sinking sensation in my chest was pushed away by the vivid necessity burning through my spine. Her eyes closed and I remained seated next to her, gently touching her cheek and thinking of a way out of this mess, when I realized my hands were shaking.
My skin was getting colder and everything in my vision seemed less bright, edging towards a colorless world.
It hit me that I would not find any mako. Coming to the house was a terrible idea but I stayed next to Tifa, suppressing the shivers, trying to reason a safe way out. She opened her eyes a sliver and gazed up at me with a big smile, which felt like a punch to the face because I wasn't thinking about her at all but obtaining mako any way I could to stop the horrid coldness all over me. Guilt slid itself through my mind and I couldn't return the smile.
Suddenly, her eyes focused on something behind me and her smile vanished.
"Cloud!" she whispered fiercely, "I think there's someone outside in the hallway...!"
"What? You sure?" Adrenaline surged once more as I turned to follow her gaze, resting on the apartment door which was visible from a slight angle in the bedroom. But nothing appeared out of place.
"Yes. It looked like someone was pacing around right outside the door!" she said frantically.
"Okay, just relax. Let me think." But it was too hard to think now, the headache getting exponentially worse with each passing second.
"We can fight them... I know we can fight them..."
I didn't agree with her, because I knew I couldn't withstand anything more in my weakened condition. The cold was gradually being replaced with an unnatural heat, like fire creeping under my skin.
"Stay here..." I told her, but my voice was scratchy.
"Cloud... You look so pale..." she began, placing one slender hand on my cheek, but the warmth from her touch felt distant.
"Not now. Let me go take care of whoever is out there..." I replied, brushing her off and stepping into the hallway.
Stumbling through the kitchen, the world curved at angles I was unfamiliar with, and my brain ached to sort the mess my eyes were interpreting. My hand found the edge of the hilt hanging from my back, and I clutched it like it was my last anchor to reality.
Tifa was right. There was a shadow under the broken door from someone standing directly outside. Angered by the sheer resilience and determination of these people to kill me, I threw the door back ready to cut down whoever met my gaze. But the person standing there was not an assassin, not Jude, not even someone holding a weapon. It was a lanky guy with large frightened eyes, grasping a phone in his hands and staring at me in utter terror. I heard Tifa step into place behind me.
"Uh... Which one of you is... uh, Cloud?" the guy shook as he spoke.
"What the hell do you want?" I asked with a sigh, relaxing my arm and leaning against the doorframe to steady myself.
"H-here!" he yelped and held the phone out to me, "From Jude!"
"What...?" I mumbled, taking the phone from him. It was my phone. Suddenly it made sense. A form of communication, risk-free on his end. He wanted to talk.
Tifa jumped forward, grabbing the man by his collar and threw him against the wall with her good arm, her forearm pressed against his throat.
"Leave us alone," she rasped sharply to him.
"Tifa..." I held my hand up, putting it all together in my head, "He's just an operative. He's no assassin..."
The man nodded rapidly, eyes jerking between me and Tifa. She loosened her grip a bit and he fell down, trembling.
"D-don't kill the messenger!" he whimpered.
"What did Jude tell you?" I questioned him indifferent to his cowering.
"He said, uh, that I had to find Cloud at this address and give him this phone. Jude's gonna call it and if you're Cloud, then you better answer it... or Jude's gonna kill me!"
His fear was sickening. But all operatives were normally casual people with no fighting skills who just got mixed up with the wrong crowd, like Johnny. This guy meant nothing – no threat.
"Fine. Done. Now get out of here," I snapped at him, opening my phone and examining the battery on the back, checking for signs of tampering. But it was untouched. So Jude really did want to talk.
The operative ran down the hall, flying out of sight, clearly scared half to death. Pushing the door back on its hinges, I swiftly went back to my bedroom and sat on the bed again, holding my head in my hands. The pain was getting so much worse, the nausea too. And the heat under my skin was starting to feel itchy, especially around my wrists and neck.
"You're not seriously going to talk to him, are you?" Tifa shouted with disbelief, sitting next to me on the bed.
"If I don't, that guy dies," I responded with little emotion. It was just a fact.
"Well, at least we have a phone now. Let me call Yuffie," Tifa said and snatched the phone from me.
Staring blankly at the floor, a sinking hopeless feeling was firmly grinding into my belly, sending all thoughts spiraling downward. The reason why I kept taking mako in the first place. To avoid that feeling. And here it was, smacking me in the face. Triumphant. I could hear Tifa speaking on the phone, but I wasn't paying attention to her words. Would it only get worse?
"Yuffie's been in Kalm with Denzel at Elmyra's," Tifa reported to me, hanging up the phone, "And she says she'll get Cid and come pick us up since I told them you lost your keys."
"I didn't lose my keys..." I replied.
She stared at me for a long moment in deep thought.
"Look," she started in a low voice, "I think we should just keep... everything between us."
I hadn't been intending to tell anyone, and it was clear she had more on her mind.
"I...I know it may be hard to believe, given our past," she continued softly, moving her hand over mine, "but I am glad it was you that showed up in the bar that night and not someone else looking to collect my 25k price. I owe you my life. You...Well, I didn't know you would really go this far to protect me. I wasn't expecting to ever see you again. And I was just trapped in such despair...not because of you, because of everything else."
"Tifa, you don't have to say anything to me. You never did," I said truthfully, holding her hand in mine, which now felt more cold than anything, "I... I don't care about the reasons for what you did. It was a mistake. And it's over. You're safe with me."
"I still feel foolish. I hadn't even thought of you, or what could happen after I was gone..." She moved one hand to my face, touching my jaw delicately. "But I feel so much better... with you...now..." Her lashes fluttered and she looked at me with a seductive gaze.
I wanted to agree and push the pain in my body away so I could kiss her, but the phone in her hands suddenly began ringing. We both just stared at it, knowing who it was. With little recourse, I answered the phone with all the hesitation of someone putting their hand in a hornet's nest.
"...Your little torture didn't work, Jude," I said immediately into the receiver.
"Ah, Cloud. I'm glad my operative reached you. No doubt you're at your house, like I predicted." The grainy voice was unusually friendly.
"Thanks for breaking the locks. You owe me a new door," I told him. Tifa shifted uncomfortably on the bed, once more lying back and exhaling exhaustedly.
"You must be in a lot of pain by now without any mako," he mocked, "Tell me, have you ripped your skin off from itching yet? I've heard that's the worse. The sensation is often compared to a feeling of razor blades under the flesh."
"What do you want?" I asked tersely.
"So you haven't gotten that far yet. No matter. You will. But let me be frank. Nobody has ever managed to escape from me like you have, and I'm impressed. Now, I'm no idiot. I see a good business opportunity when one presents itself." A pause as he inhaled smoke.
"Don't come after us. I won't let you hurt her."
"That's what I find so fascinating. Your determination. Your complete loyalty to a cause."
"Get to the point."
"Killing you is worthless. You're much more valuable to me alive now that I see what you're capable of. I've got a couple of decent business acquisitions in progress – expansion into the Wutai province and strengthening support around the Gold Saucer area. Instead of killing you, I want someone loyal like you at my side."
"...What?"
"Work with me. Be my right hand man. I told you how much alike we are. You know it's true. You love this job, and I love this business because we both understand it's more than just blood. It's power."
I waited, unsure of what to reply.
"Power," he went on grimly, "And fear. Control. I need someone like you who shares my ideals."
"...What makes you think I could be trustworthy anymore?" I asked suspiciously.
"Lies infuriate me, that's true. But I can be forgiving if the situation calls for it. I expected you dead by now. It's clear that my grudge against you is irrelevant in light of recent events."
"And how can I trust you?"
"I don't fucking lie, that's how." His tone was deadly.
"No. No, I don't want any part of it. Just leave me and Tifa alone," I said at once.
"It doesn't work that way. I'm not asking your fucking opinion. I'm giving you a way out because I see something in you. You remind me of myself."
"So then I refuse."
He let out a long sad sigh. "Then I am going to kill you. If it's not today or tomorrow, you can bet that I will not relent until your miserable corpse shows up in the obituaries. Is that what you want? Is that what your girl wants? Because she will be just as dead."
The itching under my wrists was becoming more than just a discomfort, but I refused to submit. Tifa was studying me with concern.
"So that's it? That's your offer?" I mumbled, my lips cracked.
"It's an opportunity you can't afford to pass up. Not to mention that you won't last much longer without some mako. And I've heard you had a nasty run-in with Lars' accountant. He won't be too willing to sell to you now, I think." He let the words sink in because he knew he was right. "Tell you what, Cloud. Come work with me and unlimited quantities of mako are yours. In fact, I happen to have some right here in front of my eyes. I don't use the stuff myself, though."
My throat tightened at the mention of it, my skin crawling.
"I'll be sitting in the café, Cloud, waiting for your decision. If you are smart, you'll accept and come meet me. If you are stupid and decline, then you and your girl are good as dead."
He hung up. The sudden silence made me panic because I wanted to say something back, maybe even beg him to relinquish some mako.
"Well...?" Tifa demanded instantly.
"He's going to kill us... unless I work for him again."
"What?" She practically jumped from the shock. "He can't be serious! And you can't seriously be considering... Cloud, it's insane to even go near him. Let's wait for Yuffie and Cid and just get out of here. Never come back!"
"I... We won't ever be safe if he's..." I trailed off because the truth was his offer intrigued me.
I needed the mako, yes, but he was regretfully correct in saying I liked the job. Embedded in me was something that enjoyed watching the moment of death consume someone. Fighting was all I had ever really known ever since leaving town at 14. I was too restless to do that delivery service shit back in Edge anymore. There was no calm for me, ever. Idleness and easy work made me think more. About everything. And I tried to avoid that. And of course, there was the mako.
"I'm going to meet him at the café," I stated.
"No! No, no, no. He's going to kill you!" Tifa shouted.
"No, he won't. He wants me to work with him because of some big merger or expansion or something." I could hardly concentrate anymore, the hot itching at my wrists growing unbearable.
"You're hurt! You can't walk all the way over there! You can't fight in your condition either! We're going to wait for Yuffie and Cid," she concluded.
"Tifa... I'm sorry, but if I don't meet with him... I don't know what will happen." The pain, the coldness, the heat, the nausea, the shaking, the headache, the sweat, the crawling feeling on my skin, the awful drain of the colors around me. How much worse could it all get?
"Please, don't go..." Tifa begged, grabbing my arm.
"I have to."
"Then I'll go with you, just in case you have to put up a fight, you won't be alone. I can tell Yuffie to get over there, too," she went on, grasping my arm tighter.
"No. You can't go with me. I can't put your life at risk in case it is a trap. If anything, just stay away. I can handle it." I pushed myself from the bed, trying hard to level the dizziness.
"And if something does go wrong...?" Tifa argued back.
"Nothing will. I just...need you to wait here for Yuffie and Cid. Take the airship over to Kalm and stay there for now. I'll come for you when it's been settled. And if you ... still want me in your life, then I'll come back with you to Edge." I held her hand, pulling it off my arm, and then letting it drop to her side. "If not, then that's fine. I'll be okay just knowing you're safe..."
"I want you to come with me now, just leave this place," she pleaded.
"I'm sorry..." I turned away, walking carefully towards the front door, which still hung hazardously on its hinges.
"I can't believe you're doing this..." she muttered.
There was no other choice. Jude was a threat and if there was a way I could end it without putting her in danger, then so be it.
"Please, remember what I said and wait for me in Kalm," I said calmly to her, but she was facing the opposite direction, one hand on her hip in defiance.
I hated leaving her alone after so much had happened, but the lure of mako was overpowering my logic. It was a necessity to end the waves of pain spiking through me. With help on the way for her, she would be fine.
"And if you never return...?" Tifa asked solemnly.
"Then," I paused at the doorway, glancing over my shoulder at her, "I'm not sure what you should do. But you're smart and strong. You'll be fine..." Hardly comforting words, but I needed to reach Jude as fast as possible if there were any chance he was telling the truth.
She tightened her lips with a frown and nodded shallowly.
Without further words, I left the apartment, limping down the staircase and into the street. Everything was painful, but I tried to only focus on getting to the café and getting mako. The air was becoming more humid as the morning progressed and dark clouds were accumulating at the horizon, moving towards Junon.
There would be another storm, no doubt.