Chapter Eleven:

Dirty Little Secret

Isabella Marie Masen

When it came time for school, I was depressed again. As much as I wanted to see Edward again, I couldn't talk to him. It was wrong, and I couldn't bear to force myself into his life, only to have to leave in a few years. It wasn't right to do that to him. I knew that the moment I accepted him into my life, it would all be over and I wouldn't be able to let him go. So as I climbed into my Audi with my siblings, I resumed my disinterested façade toward the world and Alice and Jasper gave me a curious look. Most likely, Alice had seen a shift in the future, one that she apparently didn't like.

Whatever.

I could almost wish that I was human again, almost, but the reality was that if I was still human, I would either be dead or the luckiest one hundred and two year old around. But to be honest, I was selfish enough that I didn't want to give up the few precious days I'd had the fortune to spend with him. I would take what I could get, even if it wasn't much.

School was boring as ever, and Mike Newton wouldn't leave me alone in Gym. I had the vague urge to snap his neck, but resisted as I saw Emmett laughing as quietly as Emmett ever could in his corner of the Gym.

I seriously was about to kill Mike Newton if he didn't leave soon. Honestly, was he that thick as to not remember what happened last time in this very room? I was just debating how I would do it when, blessedly, the coach called for us to go change. I could see Emmett snickering again as he joined up with me. The humans around us left clear a five foot circle around each of us, which didn't make it hard for Emmett to reach me, well that and his enormous size. "Having anger management issues again, Bella? You should really consider therapy," he said with mock seriousness.

He just thought that he was so funny, and I told him just that. He put his hand to his heart in mock hurt. He really was into mocking people. "Bella, how could you say such a thing to me? Have you no love for your own brother?"

"I'm starting to wonder why I ever came back from Denali in the first place," I told him. Before I had come here to Forks, I had spent a few more years in Alaska after the family moved. That was why I had come so late in the school year after deciding that my control wasn't going to be getting better anytime soon and that I might as well brave the Cullens and school again.

"Aw, Bella, I'm hurt." He burst out laughing, his booming chuckles drawing the attention of all the humans within a thirty-foot radius to us—which was practically all of them. I shoved Emmett and then proceeded to the locker room to change, his laughter echoing to me through the door.

I quickly changed out of my gym clothes, hoping to get done before the rest of the girls came into the locker room. I didn't feel in the mood to have to deal with their staring or their whispers as I changed, not to mention the smell of their blood, confined in the small dressing room.

But luck wasn't on my side as I was just finishing pulling on and zipping up my jeans when the first group of girls entered my row of lockers in the small room. They were giggling and conversing as they all started to open the doors of their lockers, glancing at me occasionally as I riffled through my locker looking for my shirt, which I had just tossed into the metal contraption at the beginning of the period, not caring where it went. Now I was wishing that I had noted where in the blasted locker it was so that I wouldn't have to undergo the torture of the little human children just a few yards from me.

Clad in only my bra and jeans, I turned, finally having found the offending shirt. That was when I heard the gasp. I tried to ignore the not-so-low whispers of the group of girls just a few feet away as they stared unashamedly at the side of my ribs where there was a nasty scar that stood out against my white skin in the horrid florescent lighting, illuminated for all to see. Never before had anyone noticed, seeing as I was usually completely dressed by the time this certain group of girls was here. Not even the Cullen's knew about this particular scar, though they knew all about the battle scars from those years.

I had gotten this precise scar years ago when I was still with Maria and had been attacked by a particularly vicious newborn from Monterrey while we were trying to fend off a group of vampires who were attempting to take the city by storm. His teeth had ripped through my side as he launched himself at me while I was preoccupied by another newborn. The experience had been extremely painful, something I wished to never have to go through again, and it had left a long, horrible scar long after it had healed.

Then a voice floated over the whispers to me, clearly meant for me to hear.

"Oh my God, like, where did she get that disgusting scar from? It's, like, hideous."

I tried to pay no attention to the voice of Lauren Malory and her abuse of the English language as I put my arms at my sides, covering the scar that was positioned over the far left side of my ribs temporarily before I had to lift my arms to pull my red button-up shirt around and slide my arms into the long sleeves, doing up the buttons and covering up my torso.

"I mean, like, seriously, where did she get that scar from? I knew the Cullen's weren't perfect: Isabella Masen is just an example of that. No one can be perfect," she said in her annoy nasal voice, her hand raised with her manicured fingers splayed and nose pointed in the air.

I thought about how in the vampire world scars showed merit and skill, while I grabbed my bag and sat down on the bench to slip my feet into my small black converses. Lauren's voice continued to ring through the air, thoroughly annoying me as she kept speaking just to spite me.

"And where did she, like, get those clothes from? A thrift shop?" All the girls surrounding her giggled as if Lauren had just said the funniest thing in the world. I mean, seriously, was she some sort of god whose word was law? It was ridiculous.

Lauren flipped her long, fake blonde hair over her shoulder, revealing the spaghetti strap of her tank-top as she finished straightening her mini-skirt. Her legs, as was the rest of her, was an almost disgusting shade of fake tan, something that could only be achieved through the tanning booth up in Port Angeles. Did the girl have a death wish? Surely she would die of skin cancer before the year 2010.

I stood, having finally tied my converses and slung my bag onto my back. I could care less what these children thought of me—if only they really knew me. I grinned at the thought of Lauren Malory screaming and falling over her hooker heels as she tried to run away from my sharp teeth as I chased her.

Naw, Lauren wasn't worth killing if I'd have the taste of bulimic blood in my mouth for the next week or so. Nothing like bulimia to ruin a vamp's appetite, even if the vision in my mind was highly entertaining.

Leaving the whispering girls behind, I felt a certain satisfaction as I knew the disappointment Lauren was going through at not being able to get a rise out of me. I mean, she had to resort to insulting my clothes, which Alice herself had bought from some store by the name of Impressions or Anthropology. Maybe it was H&M. But whatever, either way it was a very high-end store and Lauren knew that.

I was the last of the family to reach the cafeteria and I got in line next to Jasper, picking up a bottle of lemonade. We said nothing as Jasper paid for our prop lunches and we sat down at the circular table that we normally inhabited. Alice began to whisper to Jasper, both completely absorbed in their conversation, while Emmett put his arm around Rosalie and she leaned into him, not speaking.

It struck me then just how alone I was. Everyone in the Cullen family had a mate, someone to share their life and time with, but me. Up until now I was sure I had everything I needed. I had my books, and drawings, and music along with my half-family. But that was until I'd had my first conversation with Edward Swan.

Even I, the Ice Queen as Alice had once put it, couldn't deny the fact that I had an inexplicable attraction to Edward. Something in me wanted to be closer to him, to get to know him. It was all so new to me—I had never felt these kinds of emotions before—and to be honest, it scared me. Scared me so much that one simple human boy could have such an effect on me and have so much insight on what I was like. But then again, 

Edward didn't seem ordinary or simple. He was extraordinary and unique, between his bronze hair, green eyes and his amazing perception, and it astonished me that he didn't realize just how special he was.

That brought up yet another question: why did he look the way he did? The strange red-brown hair and emerald eyes were very characteristic of my mother, but I knew that there was no way he was related to her. She had no siblings and no aunts or uncles. After the change, I had put years into finding out if there was anyone who I was related to that was still alive, but everyone on both sides of the family was dead. The Masen line was truly gone. I put the thought aside—there was no point in puzzling over something that I clearly didn't have enough clues to solve.

I played with the bottle of lemonade Jasper had purchased, carefully peeling off the label on the side of the plastic bottle, not wanting to open it up and have to deal with the sour smell of the acidic drink. I clearly remembered liking lemonade very much as a human, it was surprising that that detail was so clear to me while the rest of my human life was mostly shadowed and blurred. But the drink no longer held its favor with me anymore as all human food was disgusting to me now as a vampire.

I was very aware of Edward when he walked into the cafeteria late with Jessica Stanly on his heels, her head bobbing up and down as she tried to keep pace with Edward's long strides. His eyes scanned the small, cramped room and then brightened up as he saw something. It was beyond me what he had seen to put him in such a good mood, but I didn't care. As long as Edward was happy, I was happy. Jasper sent me a warning look and I turned my body away from him and the rest of the Cullens so that I wouldn't have to look at them any longer. I could feel whatever I wanted and Jasper couldn't do anything about it unless he wanted me on his case later about manipulating my emotions.

Sensing my irritation towards him, he left me be as I stared absently at the wall of the cafeteria while I prepared myself to listen to the conversation Edward was going to have with his friends.

Unfortunately (for both me and Edward), Lauren decided to launch into the story of what she had seen in the locker room just minutes before. I wanted to wring her scrawny little over-tanned neck as she went on about how she knew I wasn't perfect and moved on to how "the Cullens are so, like, snobbish. They, like, think that they aren't, like, good enough for, like, Forks."

Her group of cronies mumbled their agreements, continuing to gossip about us and our current home situation. I noted curiously that Edward seemed to be almost on the verge of attacking her, his hands were clenched into fists under the table and his knuckles were bone white against his normal pallor.

I didn't react though, keeping my face perfectly disinterested. I, along with the rest of the Cullens, were used to the gossip about us, our living arrangement, and even our "parents" not being able to have children, almost like it was some sort of sin that Esme couldn't 

conceive. But I had not quite grown used to it, even at this point in time. But all I could do was sit still like I couldn't hear what they were saying and wish I could tell them that we were distant for their safety. Humans could be so infuriating sometimes.

Alice stood with her tray of food, looking like she was dancing as she went to throw it away. No one noticed as Lauren stood also, looking more gleeful than should have been legal, and walking towards the trash can with a can of open soda in her hand. She practically strutted over to where Alice was as she turned around and ran straight into Lauren.

We watched in undisguised horror as Lauren collided with Alice, spilling the full can of soda onto Alice's favorite designer white blouse. The brown liquid drenched her front, staining the beautiful shirt hopelessly. Even Emmett knew that there was no way to get that stain out of the delicate blouse. At once we all stood, ready for a confrontation. No one, no one, messed with Alice.The whole cafeteria had frozen, staring at Alice and Lauren, waiting for the seemingly inevitable fight.

But Alice shocked us all when she laughed.

We all let out a sigh of relief, glad that Alice hadn't officially lost it at the ruined shirt. We sat back down again as Lauren stared in shock at Alice also, having thought that she would cause a huge scene in front of the entire school about the shirt. She had obviously wanted to prove that the Cullens were too good for Forks like she had said earlier.

Whispers started up as the students slowly went back to their previous conversations. Alice's sing-song voice rang out to us through the din clear as day. "Oops, I guess I should watch where I'm going next time," she giggled, raising a hand to her mouth, the perfect epitome of someone who was feeling particularly bashful.

Lauren just gaped at her as Alice skipped over to our table and grabbed Jasper's hand to pull him out to the car to get the spare shirt she had in all of the vehicles that we owned. I tossed her the keys, still shocked at her reaction and feeling smug as Lauren slunk back to her table, looking disappointed.

"Should have known Alice was too much of a goody two-shoes to get angry," Lauren remarked, regaining her usual snobbish composer. I noticed that Edward still hadn't relaxed. It was clear that he really didn't want to be there. "Ugh, she is such a freak."

I hadn't noticed my anger had been slowly building that day, starting with Mike in Gym and then Lauren in the locker room, and finally with the stunt she had pulled with Alice. I knew Alice wasn't as calm about the whole ordeal as she seemed—inside she was seething about the loss of her favorite shirt at the hands of an evil bitch and planning her revenge. But for whatever reason I snapped as she called Alice a freak. Alice was the sweetest person I knew, and she did not deserve to be spoken of in such a way, especially behind her back.

The lemonade bottle exploded in my hand as my fingers wrapped tightly around it, puncturing the hard plastic like it was rice paper and sending the yellow substance all over the table. Rosalie shrieked at the unexpected showering of lemon juice, and Emmett immediately grabbed some napkins from his tray. He passed some to me from across the table and we mopped up the mess as quickly as was possible with the humans staring at us again. I heard someone mutter, "What a mess," but I ignored it, wiping up the last bits of lemonade and cleaning my hand of the juice that had covered it in the explosion. People turned away, going back to what they had been doing before and I dumped the soaked napkins on Emmett's tray. He was still watching me intently. Fortunately the lemonade hadn't gotten on any of us, but Rosalie was still muttering under her breath indignantly.

"What was that all about?" Emmett asked, too low and quick for the eves-dropping children to hear.

"Nothing," I muttered, turning away. "Nothing at all." I didn't feel like explaining myself to the big oaf at the moment.

My mind berated me for the scene I had caused. If even one person got the idea that we weren't quite as human as we pretended to be, we would have to leave and never come back. And the lemonade bottle exploding in my hand was not a good way to stay inconspicuous.

Why had I even blown up about what Lauren had said? It wasn't like I hadn't heard it all before—Alice and I were called freaks even in the vampire world—so it was nothing new. Even the gossip about our situation at home was normal, something to be expected. It hurt, sure, that people would gossip about us like that, but humans weren't exactly known for their humanity. It was beyond me though why they gossiped when the couples in our house weren't related at all (so there was no incest, no matter what Lauren was saying right now) and it wasn't like teenagers here at Forks High weren't having sex with each other—our couples just happened to live under the same roof. It was the same concept all around, but the children just didn't understand us and found any excuse to talk about us in a negative way.

We were the strange family that had only moved to Forks a few years ago to live in a small town where pretty much everyone had been born and raised here. We were beautiful and mysterious, never interacting with the rest of the population of Forks unless we had to. So of course we were usually the topic of gossip. They didn't know about us and subconsciously they feared us (even if some people didn't pay any attention to that fear).

Maybe I was just tired of listening to all the children talk amongst themselves. Yes, that was it. And you couldn't find a nicer soul than Alice. She didn't deserve to be talked about like that by humans who didn't even know her.

I stood up, deciding to leave the cafeteria early to maybe just sit outside and get some fresh air before my plans to kill Lauren Malory with my bare hands got any more explicit.

Outside, the air was crisp and damp as I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes briefly and clearing my mind. My muscles automatically relaxed and I sighed. I hadn't realized how tightly wound I had been for the past few days, but it sure felt good to finally get rid of some of the tension inside me that had built up over the past few weeks.

I plopped myself as ungracefully as a vampire could at one of the concrete tables, laying my head down in my arms and closing my eyes.

So distracted within my own mind, every thought so clear to me as several things went through my mind at once, that I didn't hear the footsteps, didn't hear the breathing of lungs and the beating of a live heart until it was feet from me, and even then I would have paid it no mind if the human hadn't said something to me.

"Are you alright?"

The voice that spoke the words so deliberately was familiar. Smooth as velvet; melodic as any Beethoven composition.

Edward.

I lifted my face from where I had so readily nestled it in my arms, opening my eyes to the bright light that filtered through light grey clouds into the courtyard at the edge of Forks High. Trees ringed the courtyard on almost all sides, only a little opening at the far end where you could exit into the main school. It was out of the way and very inconvenient, so therefore was little known among the human students of the school. It was for this reason that I came here, to be alone and to think, away from predictable humans and their gossip. But somehow, Edward had found me, though I was sure that I had not been followed here.

His face was devastatingly handsome, his eyes bright and greener than ever, the emerald irises sparkling. His skin was almost glowing as he watched me turn to face him, his bronze hair disheveled as it always was. A small smile graced my lips before I quickly wiped it off, hoping that Edward had not seen. If I was to keep him safe from the threat I posed to him and the other humans that he cared for, I could not get close. I would not ruin his life by imposing myself upon it, his future happiness was far more important than mine, as he would someday wither and die, and I would live on forever with multiple opportunities to have happiness, even if I did not want it without Edward.

But what was I doing, thinking all this? It was neither my right nor my place to do such a thing.

Less than a second had passed—I was still turning my head to face Edward—and I glanced briefly at him, muttering his name to him disinterestedly in greeting and turning back to stare in front of me. From my peripheral vision, I saw Edward shift, confused by my actions, though he didn't say anything. After a moment of silent debate, he moved to sit down on the same side of the table as me, sitting down with some grace. He was only a few feet away from me on the cold stone, though I doubted that it was as cold as my skin.

The wind was blowing his scent at me—his wonderful, sweet scent—and I made myself ignore it. I repeated over and over in my head that he was human, living, breathing, and had as much as a right—if not more—to life as I did. That he had a mother, and a father, and friends that would miss him if he died. I stopped my breathing, knowing that it would help some, but his unique smell still burned in my nostrils, tempting me. It was dangerous to have him this close, where there was no one to hear his screams if I killed him, no one to stop me from indulging the horned monster within. Where there was no collateral damage to take care of afterwards. It was as if Edward wanted to die at my hands, a horrible bloodsucking monster of a person—no, not even that, thing. He had walked willingly into the presence of a spider, a fat, juicy fly just ready for the taking.

Unbidden, I saw a vision in my mind of myself leaning over, tipping my head back. To him it would look as if I meant to kiss him, and maybe I would, just to give him a parting gift. Then I would tilt my head to the side and move my lips over to his neck, kissing the thin, beautiful skin at the hollow of his throat, the fragile piece of skin that didn't even protect the hot, pulsing blood beneath, blood that I could actually see moving through his body with my excellent vampire eyes. He would stiffen as my teeth grazed the skin there, his body releasing adrenaline into his system that would make his blood that much sweeter. And then I would bite him, my sharp white teeth piercing the skin there with ease, like a knife would butter, and he would let out a ragged gasp of pain.

I would encase him in my arms, and he would struggle uselessly against me, finally realizing what his brain had been trying to tell him all along. He would weaken, muttering to me what I was—vampire. It would be the last word to grace his lips before he died, and then I would release him as his heart gave its last stuttering beat before it died. I would rise, his body dropping to land limply over the stone bench, my eyes blood red and wild, his blood dripping from the corner of my mouth—

And then a picture of his broken, lifeless body entered my mind.

His skin pale white, drained of blood. His green eyes clouded and dull, never to sparkle with delight again. The blood that would have dripped down from his mauled neck onto his green t-shirt to stain it darkly. The broken bones he would have from my too strong grip, the bruises that would cover his arms and hands where he had banged them against my granite-hard skin in a feeble attempt to free himself. His body would be slumped and limp.

The overall sight was enough to jerk me out of my daydreams and away from Edward. I had leaned closer to him across the empty space between us and Edward had been watching me warily. I was sure that my eyes had gone black with thirst and I had a hungry expression upon my face. And though his blood was so tantalizingly alluring, the mere thought of him dead and looking like my imagination had portrayed him was enough to shut the monster in the recesses of my mind for good, though his scent was still so potent in my nostrils. As tempting as it is, I will not drink his blood, I vowed to myself. I will not become the thing I hated most again. I will not allow myself.

I wondered how long I had just been sitting there, staring at Edward, and turned away from him. Maybe if I didn't look at him, he would just disappear. But, of course, he didn't.

"Bella?" he asked, scooting a little closer. "Are you okay?"

His voice sounded edgy, a little scared, and I could smell the adrenaline coursing through his veins as I accidently took another breath.

"I'm fine," I said in a tight voice. I almost winced from the sound, the perfect melodic chime of my vocal chords disgusting me. I was the perfect trap: I looked good, sounded good, I even smelled good. A death trap.

"Are you sure? You look like you've seen a ghost or something." And I had, I had seen the ghost of my former self, and it scared the hell out of me. I was young, even to other vampires, and I was relatively new to this life of 'vegetarianism.' It was frightening to think that I was that close to losing it.

I grimaced and turned my body to face his. He was much closer than I had thought—only a foot from me. His eyes bore genuine concern and his body language said that he wasn't as uneasy as he probably should be. "Maybe I have," I hedged, not wanting to tell him the entire truth. "Maybe I have seen a ghost and you scared it away." It wasn't entirely a lie; put into context it was all completely true.

He smiled a dazzling crooked grin that made my mind go blank for a moment and laughed. "I doubt it," he joked, amusement dancing in his eyes. "I personally don't think I'm that scary, to tell you the truth."

Oh, how wrong he was. The image of him dead was still in my mind. Seeing him that way was scary, but I wouldn't tell him that.

But, really, are you okay? Because, I don't know…" he paused, thinking about something. "Back in the cafeteria, it seemed almost as if you could hear what Lauren said about you and your family."

I grimaced again, the blissful smile that I hadn't even realized was on my face disappearing. I had to hand it to Edward—he was much more observant than I had given him credit for. A fact that could be harmful to both me and my family if he found out about us. But he wouldn't, I would make sure of that. And even if he did somehow piece together everything (which was unlikely, because we were far from your traditional vampire), I could just claim that I was the only one in my family, for there really was no reason for him to suspect them, right?

Deciding carefully on my answer, I said, pronouncing each word very carefully, "Lauren says a lot of things, the majority of them not being entirely true." I had not answered his question, hoping that it would distract him. It did.

"I hate her," he muttered, so low that had I been human, I would probably not have heard it. Then louder, "She spreads lies. She's just jealous of you—you could have any guy you wanted—and before you came here, she was probably one of the prettiest girls in school. Now, all the guys pine after you instead of her." I saw the shadow of a grin on his face and he rolled his eyes.

Just to mess with him, I asked, "And can she have you, or are you also trapped under my spell as well?"

He gaped, frozen, not knowing what to say. His quick tongue had been silenced, and that confirmed any thoughts that had been going through my head about any attraction Edward felt for me. He was interested in me, and that was a problem. Attraction meant interest, which meant that he paid more attention to me than he should. Carlisle's coven banked on the humans' lack of observation to go undiscovered. There had been a few times where we'd had to move because of an over-observant human. It meant that we had to start all over again in a new town, with a new identity. It meant that we would run out of places to go sooner. Carlisle's coven hadn't even been near the Olympic Peninsula in over seventy years. A few years after I had come back to Carlisle, we had even had to go to England because there was no place cloudy enough to go to on this continent where we wouldn't be near a place we had recently been.

If we had to move yet again Rosalie would complain and blame me, Emmett would take her side, Alice would be as neutral as ever and Jasper would sympathize though side with Alice. Esme would only be consumed with thoughts of where to go next, where did we have a house ready for us? And Carlisle wouldn't quite understand why I hadn't discouraged Edward earlier or told him that we had to move. And of course, I would try to divert Edward's attention elsewhere, but if he was persistent then I wouldn't be able to deny him much longer.

Edward was still silent, though he was so by choice. He just watched my troubled expression, and suddenly I felt that I should probably leave. I stood, muttering a weak excuse of having to go. My bag was in Mr. Banner's classroom already, and I started to turn away from Edward to climb over the bench. Suddenly his hand was on my wrist, wrapping around the thin joint easily and his voice was saying, "Please, don't go."

I stopped, despite my brain's frantic shouting that I should leave no matter what he said and the monster's snarling. If Edward wanted something, I would give it to him. If he asked me to kill myself, I probably would, as pathetic as that was. He had me wrapped around his little finger, though I was sure he didn't know it, which was good because I wasn't sure I'd be able to stay away if he asked me not to.

Automatically, I turned back to him, knowing full well that I could leave if I really wished to, and the look in Edward's eyes said that he knew that, too. I slowly sat back down after Edward tugged at my wrist, situating myself back on the hard stone. Edward's incredibly warm hand was still on my arm as I sat down. His warmth leeched into me, and I was sure his hand would be going numb soon if he didn't let go. Once I was situated, he seemed to realize that his hand was still on my arm and he pulled away, embarrassed by his actions. Blood flooded his cheeks and neck, turning his ears red. I smiled unconsciously and chuckled low in my throat. The breeze blew his scent into me again, and my mouth filled with venom that I hastily swallowed down, thinking hard about what Edward would look like dead. That was enough to keep the monster at bay.

Without thinking, I blurted, "Why are you so interested in me, Edward? You have no reason to be." It would have been my turn to blush if I could.

Edward smiled again, his brilliant green orbs sparkling. Was it even possible for a vampire to be dazzled by a human?

"Isabella Masen, to be honest, you intrigue me." I looked bashfully at the table. I was intriguing?

"Why is that?" I asked, still not looking at him, though I could feel his eyes gazing steadily at my face.

He took a moment to respond, a moment that was absolutely killing me with how long it was to my vampire mind. "I usually pride myself in being able to read people pretty well. But you, I can't get a grasp on you. There's something about you that is drawing me in, and I can't figure out what." I knew before he had even finished that he had said more than he had meant to. His voice had been deliberate at first, and then slowly gone to confusion and something else I didn't know, nor did I want to identify. It frightened me to know that I had such a hold on him without even meaning to.

He caught onto my discomfort and hastily backtracked. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to say so much. I'm sorry," he repeated.

I sighed, knowing I had to stop this now, even if I didn't want to. It was just unnatural. "Edward, I think you should stay away from me. I know your type, and I'm not it." Wrong, my mind hissed. I am exactly your type. Exactly. "It would just be better if you didn't talk to me." Okay, ouch. That was a kind of harsh. My eyes flickered to look at him in the corner of my eye, and I saw him wince. I knew then that if he hadn't realized before how attracted he was to me, he had now. I instantly felt bad.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said, guilt pouring into my voice. I was thawing—the Ice Queen Façade wouldn't stand for much longer—and I wouldn't let anyone see me when I finally melted.

"No, no. You've made it perfectly clear that you weren't interested, it's my fault."

My heart broke inside. It wasn't his fault, not at all. It was all mine and I knew it. "No, Edward. No it's not your fault." I had turned to look at him, and his face was down, staring at his hands. He was the epitome of rejection. He looked up at the sound of my voice, his lovely eyes connecting with my own unnatural topaz ones. I realized exactly how much shorter I was than him then. "It's not that I'm not interested—not that at all." I was going on instinct now, not thinking things through like I usually did before I said them.

"Then why?" Edward asked, pleading with his eyes.

"I—I just—," I stopped, sighing. There was no other way around it. "I'm not good for you, as strongly as you might disagree. I won't lie to you—you are in danger of being killed, even as you sit here." I stopped the wince at my wording. That would only peak his interest.

"And why is that, Bella?" He was angry now, his voice rising and his eyes darkening dangerously. "Why? Come on—I really would like to know."

I closed my eyes, squinting them together and wishing I could just go back in time and say something else, but of course that would never happen. I would have to answer him. "I…if I told you the truth, you would never believe me," I promised, looking him in the eyes sincerely. 'Trust me, you wouldn't. You would run away screaming. If you trust me, you'll just leave the matter as is. If the Cullen's were to even find out that I had told you this much—it would be disaster. I'm sorry," I said, seeing the look of disappointment in his eyes, "but it is not my secret to tell. I am responsible for keeping the secret just that—a secret. I owe it to the others to do so. I cannot say anything more without their consent."

Edward nodded, accepting my explanation. I knew that I would have to tell him eventually—there was no other way around it—but hopefully that would be in the distant future. And though it would be incredibly selfish of me, I was thinking about telling him everything, and maybe—just maybe in my dreams—we could be together, and I could live with him as he grew older and eventually died. I dreamed that maybe he would accept me for what I was. That maybe he could learn to love me despite the monster inside this seemingly innocent body, but that was only a dream, and I knew the reality. That he would hate me, despise me for what I was and never want to see me again. And of course, if he really wanted that, I would leave; maybe go to the Volturi to be exterminated.

"Just, can you tell me one thing?" His velvet voice broke me from my reverie and I looked up at him. Hesitantly, I nodded. "Where you and Jasper really sick with the flu, or were you somewhere else and your family was just covering for you?" His tone was light, and I appreciated his attempt to push away the dark emotion that had hovered behind my words.

I smiled slightly, though it didn't reach my eyes. "No, we were not sick." At least, not in your traditional sense, anyway, I thought to myself. He just nodded, closing his eyes and turning his body away from me to face forward. He was just opening his mouth to say something else when the sharp warning bell rang, telling us that it was time to head to our next class. I smiled weakly and stood, Edward standing up as well. "Well, it was nice speaking to you, Edward," I said, excusing myself quickly from the table. "If you don't mind, I would rather that people not see us walking together. Rumors, you know," I grinned. "The Cullens would not be happy with that."

"Yes, of course," he said, watching me as I gracefully began to walk away. "Wait!" he called and I turned around. He was still standing where I had left him ten feet away. "Will you come tomorrow?" At my raised eyebrow, he explained," Will you come back here, and we can talk again? I'll ditch Jessica, I promise. She won't even realize I've left. Once she starts talking, she never shuts up," he joked. I smiled.

"Somehow, I believe that."

"So, will you?" he pressed, green eyes anxious.

Things seemed to be going so fast, and I could hardly keep up. One day, I wanted to drink his blood, the next I wanted to be his friend. It was confusing. I knew that it was wrong, that I should be telling him no, I couldn't be around him, but I didn't. Instead, I teased, "Why, Edward, I hardly even know you. Who knows what might happen if I am alone with you once again?" At his pointed expression, I caved. "Sure, I'll come. Jasper will cover for me." I smirked.

"I thought you didn't want your family to know."

"I don't, but Jasper is like a brother to me—he's my confidant. I know that he'll understand. The others…not so much. We mainly keep to ourselves."

"I feel so honored," Edward said with overdramatic sincerity, placing a hand over his heart to emphasize it.

I just rolled my eyes and walked away to Biology.

My last two classes went quickly, and I was careful to not look at Edward any more than I absolutely had too. It would be suspicious if I acted any differently than I had before. 

When class ended I speed out of the room, not glancing back no matter how much I wanted to. It was all so confusing that a human would be able to catch my attention like that, but somehow I couldn't classify Edward with the other children of Forks High. He was in that grey area, where nothing was definite and everything was confusing. I couldn't recognize this strange new emotion running through me, never before had I felt it, and to be perfectly honest, it terrified me—a vampire! A being that should never be frightened of such a trivial thing as an emotion, yet somehow I was.

By the time the last bell rang, I was already on my way to the parking lot. When I finally reached my car, after swimming through a sea of bodies, everyone was there and already in the car. Alice (to my immense displeasure) was in the driver's seat—I had forgotten that she still had my keys until now. I prayed silently to whatever god there was, as I climbed into the passenger's seat, that Alice wouldn't damage my beautiful Audi. We made it home within minutes, for Alice pushed my car to its limits, hitting the two-hundred marker before we had even reached the exit onto the street, causing several students to yell and honk their horns as she cut them off. By the time we had reached the freeway, my car was going almost three-hundred miles per an hour, thanks to the modifications Rosalie had made. Emmett whooped loudly in the back, and I heard Rosalie's hand connect sharply with his head. He grumbled about women who didn't know how to have fun and received another whack! before he learned to shut up.

Alice pulled sharply into our driveway, fishtailing the car to a stop perfectly in its small spot in the garage once we reached it. I was still thanking whatever power that had been looking over my car when I got out, entering the house last because of my worship. Alice was already inside, watching a recording of the Tyra Banks Show.

"No, Tyra! Not the Gucci bags! Not the Gucci bags!" Alice wailed dramatically, hunched forward and looking as if she was in pain as she watched Tyra cut up an expensive looking handbag. I almost rolled my eyes. Almost. I quickly ascended the stairs, knowing that I had to hunt and entered my room, shutting the door behind me with a sharp bang.

I went into my closet, shedding my clothes quickly and tossing them into one corner. There was no way Alice would be okay with me ruining a perfectly good pair of jeans and a blouse while out hunting, even if she hardly ever let us wear the same clothes twice. Especially because I tended to be particularly messy while hunting. No, the older ripped and faded jeans and flannel shirt I had folded up in the far corner of my closet would be perfect, and Alice would be extremely happy I would be getting rid of them after my hunt.

As I was crossing my closet to get the hunting clothes, a flash of white caught my attention. I turned; ready to investigate the source of the flash, only to come face to face with the long, floor length mirror on the back of my closet door. The white skin and strange eyes only held my attention for a fraction of a second as I stared at the reflection in the mirror. Clad in only my black bra and matching panties, the mottled scars overlapping all over my arms, legs, stomach, neck, and face, grabbed my attention, as it would any vampire. They were what a vampire would first see while looking at me, and even with my small, petite frame and apparently innocent face, they screamed the word dangerous.

In a fight, it would be Jasper and I that would be targeted first, seen as the number one threat even with Emmett nearby. Battle scars meant a good fighter despite physical appearances, and Jasper would be the first one to be attacked, then I, because I had never dealt much with the newborns, while Jasper had and therefore had more of the bright, crescent shaped scars than I did.

I grimaced and the small girl in front of me copied the action, causing me to frown even more as it fully hit me that this girl was me. My frown only became even more pronounced as I stared at my face, the white scar on my left cheek pulling down with my mouth. I had never spent much time looking in mirrors for this very reason, the feeling of self-hatred pounding through me at the realization of what I was. The scars, the pale skin, the strange eyes, they all defined me for what I was, not who I was.

And I hated it.

I turned away in disgust, refusing to look at the mirror again as I pulled on my hunting clothes and pushed my way out of the closet to go downstairs and join with Jasper so we could go hunting together. Jasper picked up on my mood immediately and didn't say anything as we left the house to get sustenance to survive the next sunrise of the endless day that was our existence. Before we left though, Jasper had to hug and kiss Alice, a look so deep in his eyes that I had to turn away, uncomfortable. It was a private moment between lovers, almost, and it only succeeded in darkening my mood more.

We didn't go too far from the house, only up to the closest mountain range, and almost immediately I could smell all the scents that went with a forest: I could hear the sounds of trees rustling, the wildly beating hearts of animals as they cowered away from us, much more sensible than any human. The bitter scent of a deer reached me, only bitter because my body still preferred the scent of a human over the smell of an animal, knowing the impending disappointment of taste and sound in the experience. There were no games with animals like there were with humans, no thrilling trickery or mischief. Only the hunt and the brief, pointless battle between you and the animal as it struggled for its life.

But I didn't want a deer. I wanted a challenge, something to vent my anger out on. The bear a few miles to the east that smelled strongly of musk and warmth didn't hold my appeal either. I swiveled, turning to try going to the southeast to see if I could find something else. In less than a minute, I had gone several miles and found the trail of a mountain lion, usually one of my favorites, but this time the scent repelled me, and I caught yet another scent—a wolf's.

It was a lone wolf, and usually I didn't care too much for them, but I was in the mood for something to chase, and while bears and mountain lions turned to defend always, with a wolf it was fight or flight, and when it came to fighting vampires it was always flight. I would chase the wolf. I could hear Jasper coming up behind me, and knew he was thinking of the mountain lion as dinner. I slowed briefly to watch as Jasper came up, trying not to let my instincts take over completely as I smelled the wood scent of the wolf, sharp and fresh in my nose.

Jasper pulled up to me, slowing easily to a stop, breathing not at all heavy. His eyes were dark from the raging thirst that we both felt at the semi-appealing scents. They were all the same, and yet, so different and so much easier to recognize and separate than a human's.

I turned, leaving him as I sprinted off into the woods. Jasper went in a similar direction—the mountain lion was also close by.

And then, another scent crossed my path.

It was fresh, sweet, incredibly tantalizing. It smelled of wood and man and the softness of cotton. I could hear the blood pumping through the human's veins as he hiked not too far from where I was, maybe five miles away, at most. I felt my eyes go entirely black, not able to restrain myself from my instincts any longer. A thick haze of thirst veiled my mind, and all I could think of was the blinding scent of the human male, only about twenty-five or twenty-six. My throat clenched involuntarily and venom pooled in my mouth, coating my teeth with the slick liquid. I pictured the throbbing artery in his neck, and suddenly there was nothing but the scent of the human and me, and nothing was going to keep me from the being that promised to quench my burning throat.

I was sprinting toward the human very fast, aware of Jasper on my tail. I was faster than him, but he had a longer stride then me and was stronger as well. He was gaining, and my mind let out only one rational thought. Let my thirst win and die, or protect my supper and live with a tasty treat to boot?

The answer to me was almost too simple to come up with.

I wheeled around, crouching down into a fighting stance, ready to defend. Jasper was coming closer and closer, I could hear him as his soled-feet barely touched the ground—he practically flew towards me. Unbidden, a loud, ferocious sound roiled up my throat, a deep guttural growl sounding, a clear warning.

Jasper burst through the trees, coming to stop mere feet from me. He growled, eyes flat black, mouth lifting up at the corners in a fierce snarl. He shifted, still growling, to the side, sizing me up. I countered his movement, eyes trained on him.

The scars leapt out at me, warning me that he was experienced. Jasper was no longer Jasper, the friendly vampire; he the blond, enemy vampire that was between me and dinner.

He shifted again, to the other side this time. I followed, wary. In a flash, he was at my side, trying to attack the only way he really knew how, but I was quicker.

I jumped up, coming down behind him, whirling around only to be tackled as he did the same. I snarled, clawing at his skin as we slowly fell to the ground, trying to twist out of his grasp as I did so. His arms were wrapped securely around my middle from behind, and I fell hard onto my stomach, reaching back to try to grab his hair, but I couldn't reach. He had me in a spot that left me at a disadvantage, and he used that.

His hand wrapped firmly around my throat, squeezing. It was painful, his nails digging into my flesh and venom trickling down from the wounds. I struggled, trying to get away, but he tightened his grip on me. If I moved, I would lose my head.

The human's scent still penetrated all my senses, thick in the air, dominating my mind. I had to get to it, had to, and the only thing in my way was him. I shifted my leg, ignoring the pain in my neck, and then I flipped us over. The shock sent him tumbling, releasing his grip on me and I rolled away, only to launch myself at the still moving form of Jasper.

We grappled, neither of us gaining much ground on the other. Several times I went for Jasper's throat only to bury my teeth in the grass, spitting out the dirt in disgust while maneuvering so as not to be dismembered by him.

I turned my head, rolling with Jasper as he tried to bite me again. And suddenly, we were airborne, falling slowly off a steep drop-off, spinning in the air. I had snapped out of the blood-induced haze, but Jasper hadn't. His eyes were crazed and wide, my wrists gripped tightly in his hands. My back was facing the ground, his legs straddling me as he ducked in quickly, his teeth sinking into my neck.

I screamed, the pain of foreign venom entering my system too much to bear. My high pitched shrill died as we hit the ground, Jasper thrown off me from the impact. I moaned, grinding my teeth together against the wave of burning fire that was scorching me, intensified by my sensitive nerves.

Jasper stared at me in horror as he finally came to his senses and realized what he had done. In an instant he was on his feet, helping me up and touching the bite mark on my collarbone with gentle fingers. I winced, but didn't cry out. I had dealt with the pain of vampire venom before and wouldn't let it get to me now that I was in my right mind. It would only make Jasper feel even guiltier than he already did. "I—I'm so sorry," he said, pain and disbelief in his voice. He still couldn't believe that he had turned on his own family, and honestly, neither could I believe I had gone after Jasper's throat. We really were far gone; any of the other Cullens would have been able to keep their heads, but not us. The only reason that the human was still alive was that both Jasper and I had wanted to be selfish and not share our potential prey with anyone, not even each other.

"Don't worry Jasper," I said in a far away voice. "I was just as bad as you. It'll heal. Come on, let's go home."

As we ran back to the house, taking whatever animals crossed our path, I was distant. It was like I wasn't even there next to Jasper as we ran effortlessly through the forest, weaving through the trees. Everything was in extreme clarity, though I paid it no mind.

He waited until we were almost within hearing range of the house before speaking again to me.

"You know," he began, not looking at me, "the self-disgust never stops." His brows furrowed, the double crescent scar above his left eye emphasizing his expression. "It doesn't help either, though." It was silent for only a moment before he continued again. "I used to wonder why we even existed if we were such horrifying monsters only meant to gorge ourselves on blood." I winced, but he ignored it. "I still don't have the answer to that. But you know what I do know?" He stopped, turning to face me. I nervously avoided his eyes. "Is that we were put here for a purpose, even if that purpose evades us entirely. Maybe it is to attempt to better ourselves, maybe it is to learn to love completely and wholly, or maybe it was just an accident. I try not to dwell on it much, because I have Alice and that is really all that matters to me.

"But what is important is that you not dwell on it too much. I know you've had a lot of time to think about it and you think that you have everything you could need and ever want right here. But I think we both know that that is not true. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to be happy, Bella."

I didn't say anything, not wanting to reply to his comment. He knew that I was only with this family because of my guilt from leaving Carlisle, just as he was really only bonded here by his love for Alice.

"I…I think of you like a sister, Bella. And like any brother, I want you to be happy with this life. So I will not stand around and watch as you ruin it for yourself. You have a chance to be happy, with the human Edward. He cares for you, that much I can tell while you also care about him. You need to take this opportunity, Bella, before it's lost."

I burst, forgetting my determination not to say anything, "But Jasper! He is human! I cannot bring him into this life, he deserves a loving human wife and children and adoring grandchildren, all things that would be stripped from him if I did anything!"

Jasper shook his head and I immediately shut my mouth. "Bella, do you realize that maybe he won't find another to love? Sure, he might only care about you and like you now, but if you care about him, the Ice Queen," he joked, "then this is something special. No one, vampire or human alike, has ever caught your attention before."

"But Jasper," I murmured, suddenly quiet. "What if I kill him?"

Jasper looked ahead again. "I trust that you will not."

Maybe he was right. I pondered what he had just told me as we came into range of the house and leapt over the river, both of our jumps meant for efficiency, not style, as it was with most of the Cullens.

What if he was right? I mean, this was Jasper, after all. He was very insightful and good to go to for advice. I desperately wished I could talk to somebody else about this. Was I just attracted to him because of his blood, or was it really something more?

Alice and Rosalie, my sisters of sorts, would have been perfect to talk to this about, had Edward been a vampire. Of course, Alice already knew about everything, but Rosalie was the voice of reason when the two were together, so I probably wouldn't get very good advice from Alice without Rosalie present, but Rosalie hated humans with an unrivaled passion in this coven, and she would tell everyone about it, even if I wished her not too. She was too selfish and vain not to.

Plus, even though I was a girl, I had been changed at that age where having an older brother to talk to about boys would have been helpful. But Emmett was off bounds, because he was terrible at keeping secrets, especially from Rose. So I was stuck with Jasper for someone near my age, though he was physically over five years older, at twenty-one.

Esme wouldn't be good to talk to either. She didn't like keeping secrets, and this had to be kept between as few people as possible. Then something dawned on me. I had forgotten all about Carlisle.

Though my father figure, he was only physically two years older than Jasper. He might have some inkling of knowledge of what I was going through. He was compassionate and knew when it was best to stay silent. He would, overall, be a good choice if I was to talk to someone other than Jasper about it. And who better than Carlisle because he was in charge and knew what was best for the coven. If I was to allow myself to become involved with Edward, he would eventually find out about us. It was not my decision to make. It was, ultimately, Carlisle's. And in the natural order of things that was still imbedded in all of our minds, Carlisle's word was law because he created most of us and he was the oldest, automatically the leader because of senior rank.

As we reached the house, I decided that maybe, just maybe, I might let Carlisle in on my dirty little secret.

Okay, okay, I know it's been FOREVER since I've updated. But, after a few death threats and kicks in the butt, I finally got over to my laptop and started typing.

But hey, there is a Brightside to all of this.

Because I took so long to update, I wrote 19 pages in Microsoft Word—that's 10,267 words, not including this author's note.

So, please review so I can see if there really are still people out there who read this story. Plus, it's Bella's birthday today!

Signed,

V.H.