CHAPTER 11

"I missed that."

Castle chuckled into his girlfriend's shoulder as she lay boneless beneath him, her words muffled by the pillow. "What, this?" He rolled his hips, grinning even wider at the tired groan that drew from her. "Or this?" He snuck his fingers under her hips, not surprised when Kate stopped them from reaching their destination.

"I can't, Castle," she mumbled. "Shit, I haven't…it's been…I need a break. And maybe a six course meal."

Castle pressed a kiss to the top of her spine before rolling off her, drawing groans out of both of them at the movement. "One course for each time you—"

"Castle." Kate managed to turn her head so she could glare at him, or as much of a glare as she could manage. "I think I might die."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Pretty sure it might be. Death by orgasm. Look it up."

"Kate," Castle stopped her, suddenly serious. "Can we not joke about you dying?"

Kate studied him for a moment, then nodded and shifted so she was curled into his side. "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean anything by it." He kissed the top of her head. "It's just a little too close."

"'kay. Love you." She drifted off.

Castle tightened his grip around her shoulders. "Love you too."

The bed was empty when Kate woke, and she looked around in confusion for a moment before she realized the clicking she heard was coming from Castle's office. She crawled out of bed, swiping his t-shirt from the floor, and glanced at the clock as she made her way to him. It was the middle of the night, and Kate felt her stomach rumble; they'd come to the loft directly from the airport, not even caring about food, just each other.

Not that she was complaining, of course. The mere days she'd been away from Castle had felt like a lifetime, and for the first time she was almost glad she'd had to disappear before they'd gotten together. Because she didn't think the old "better to have loved and lost" adage applied when it came to Castle in bed.

She padded into the office to find the subject of her thoughts hunched over his keyboard, typing furiously. He apparently didn't even hear her come in, because when she pressed her hands to his shoulders he jumped.

"Sorry," she said quietly, leaning forward to hug him from behind. "Didn't mean to scare you."

Castle tilted his head to meet her lips with his. "You didn't. Just got caught up is all." He shut his laptop and turned so he could pull her to straddle his lap. "You're very inspiring."

Kate glanced at the closed computer, curious, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. "What are you writing? Don't tell me I'm an inspiration for Bond."

"Nope." His hand gripped her waist, keeping her still when she reflexively rocked her hips. "Shit, Kate. No, I had an idea for Nikki Heat that I couldn't ignore."

Kate pulled back to study his face, looking for any sign that he was kidding, but he was dead serious. "Really? But you sent her and Rook off into the sunset at the end of the last one."

Castle shrugged. "And now they're coming back. Drawn to the city. I'm not sure how, yet, but I realized on the plane that I wasn't done with her." He snuck his hand down and pinched Kate's butt, drawing a yelp, and he laughed. "Much like I'm not done with you," he leered, turning his chair back around and nudging her to lean back against his desk.

Kate pushed the laptop aside and threaded her fingers through Castle's hair as he trailed his lips down her body. "Castle, if you – oh God – if I see anything from the bedroom in that book I will castrate you," she warned, barely keeping her voice straight.

Castle chuckled against her skin. "Just the bedroom?"

"You know what I mean."

"Even that thing you do with your—"

"Castle!" Kate pushed him back with a foot to his shoulder. "I'm serious. That is one line not to cross. Our sex life will not appear on any pages of your books. Got it?"

Castle leaned up to kiss her tenderly, pulling back after a minute to look directly in her eyes. "Got it."

"Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"Is everything okay?"

Castle looked over his iPad and squinted to the other end of the couch, where she was reclined against the arm. "Yeah, of course. Everything's great."

Kate shot him a look. "Well yeah, everything's fantastic right now. But you were acting weird the day I left London, before you even took me to the airport. And now, when we're not otherwise preoccupied, you're quiet and withdrawn. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something to make you mad?"

"Kate, I'm not acting—"

"You know what I'm talking about, Rick. Did I – should I not have come to you? Did I come back at a bad time?" Kate took a deep breath, finally vocalizing the one thing that had been gnawing at her. "Did you…was there someone else that me coming back…"

"What? God, Kate. No. No way." Castle set his tablet on the coffee table and tugged on her arms until she was directly in front of him. "There's no one else, Kate. I love you. I've always loved you and I always will. That wouldn't change, whether you were here or not."

"But you'd moved on. It's okay, Castle," Kate continued when he opened his mouth, to interrupt. "It had been almost a year. It's totally fine."

"Where is this coming from?"

Kate sighed. "A talk I had with my dad. I mean, here I've been gone for months. Not just gone. Dead. And you guys have grieved, and mourned, and moved on, and all of a sudden here I am again."

"Kate." Castle took her hands. "Look, I'm not gonna lie, I had a really hard time with it. I tried locking myself at the Old Haunt, then retreating to the Hamptons. Without your dad's help, I could see myself going down the same path he had before. Was I starting to heal? Yeah. Does it hurt that I thought you were dead? Yeah, of course. It will hurt for a long time, knowing that we could have had more time." He cupped her cheeks, tilting her head up so she was looking into his eyes. "But I wasn't over you. Not by a long shot."

"I just…God, I should have tried. I should have fought harder to stay. We could have figured it out."

"Kate—"

"If I'd felt there was any other choice, I would have stayed. I would have contacted you if I could. But I knew you'd try to find me if you thought I was alive, and I couldn't put you in that danger, or your mother or Alexis. Me being dead was the best bad option for keeping Bracken away."

"I know, Kate." Castle pulled her to his side. "I'm just glad you were able to come back. The way I see it, if Bracken hadn't been killed, you could have been gone for the rest of our lives."

Kate snuggled closer and brushed a kiss to his jaw. "Thank you," she said quietly after a few minutes. "When is everyone coming over?"

"A couple hours," Castle answered, craning his neck so he could see the clock. He'd invited Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, and even Gates over for dinner that night. They didn't know about Kate; she had decided that she wanted to tell them all in person at the same time. So she was going to hide in Castle's bedroom until everyone was there, and surprise them.

And oh, what a surprise it would be.

Castle shifted so Kate was on top of him, and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you sure you want to do it this way?" he asked quietly, his features soft.

Kate smiled as she propped herself up, her elbows bracketing his head. She leaned down to dust a kiss to his lips. "I'm sure. A couple hours, right?"

"Mm-hmm." Castle hand cupped the back of her neck and lightly tugged her down to him. "Just enough time to do a little bit of this."

"Before we eat," Castle said once everyone had arrived, "I wanted to say something. I know the last year has been hard, for everyone. And nothing can ever make up for what we've all been through: the pain, and the healing we've done."

He glanced around the living room, at the friends – family, really – that had suffered and grieved alongside him. "But, well, I have a surprise. We have a surprise." He watched as the confusion on their faces morphed into shock when Kate walked out from the bedroom behind him.

Lanie was first to speak. "Kate?" She approached Kate slowly, and reached out to take her hands. "Oh my God, I can't believe it!"

Kate laughed as Lanie pulled her into a hug, and that seemed to break the silence that had overtaken the room. Within moments she was surrounded, even Gates hugging her, and the loft filled with exclamations and Kate giving the bare-bones version of the past 11 months.

Castle stood to the side and observed, perfectly content with letting Kate reconnect with her friends.

"Yo, you knew she was back and didn't say anything?" Espo chided him, a smile in his voice.

Castle shrugged. "She flew all the way to London and showed up at my door. I wasn't about to turn her away." He took a long drink of his champagne. "We talked a lot about this, about how she wanted to tell everyone. She called her dad, but she wanted to do it this way with the rest of you."

Esposito clapped Castle on the shoulder. "I'm just glad she's alive, bro."

"Yeah, me too."

By the time they sat down to eat, Castle had to reheat the food. A few minutes into dinner, after Kate's surprise of, well, herself, she in turn surprised Castle with a question to Gates.

"So, do you think there's any chance of me getting my job back?"

Castle's head shot up at the question. Kate hadn't said anything about going back to the NYPD; they hadn't talked about what she'd do after this trip, really. He'd assumed that she would come back to London with him, and it hadn't crossed his mind that she'd want to stay.

Gates chuckled. "I'll have to check, I don't know what the procedures are for reinstating someone who was declared dead. When do you want to come back?" She nodded towards Castle. "Because no one would fault you for going back to London."

Kate flushed. "It just came to me tonight, actually. Seeing all of you, it's made me realize how much I miss my job. How much I miss working, solving cases with you guys." She looked around at her friends. "I haven't really thought about when I want to come back. I just know that I do."

"When do you think you'll go back to work?" Castle finally asked the next morning as they were having breakfast. Lanie and Esposito had stayed long after the rest left the previous night, so by the time they'd finished cleaning up, both of them had been almost asleep on her feet. So, despite itching to talk to Kate about her comments to Gates, Castle didn't say anything before they went to bed.

Kate glanced at him over her coffee mug. "Whenever I can, I guess. I'll have to recertify, if not go through some sort of orientation. Hell, I might have to go back to the Academy. I have no idea." She shrugged. "I had to pass the psych eval and recertify my weapons training after my shooting. There's no reason I wouldn't have to do at least that."

"Oh. So it could be at least a few weeks?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Kate set her mug down and leaned forward on. "What's wrong?"

Castle turned away from her to refill his coffee. "Nothing," he lied, hoping his voice didn't betray his disappointment. "Nothing's wrong."

"Like hell," Kate replied, walking around the island to stand next to him. "What is it, Rick?"

Castle sighed. "It's just…what you said, it was kind of out of the blue. You didn't even say anything to me first."

"It just came out. Like I said last night, I hadn't really thought of it until I said it." Kate slid between Castle and the counter to look up at him. "Why are you upset about this?"

"I'm not—"

"Come on, Rick." Kate squeezed his hand, pausing until he met her eyes. "Hey. Look, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like I'm shutting you out, because I'm not. I love you, and I want to be with you. I miss you when I'm not with you. But I also can't just spend my days sitting around and sightseeing. It's not me."

Castle locked his arms around her waist. "I know, and I love that about you. I guess I figured you'd stay with me while I finished up in London. I only have a couple months left, and then I'll be back here." He leaned down and brushed a kiss against her mouth. "I want to spend every moment with you that I can."

Kate kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling herself up so their bodies were flush against each other. "Me too," she agreed when she pulled back, panting slightly. "I have no idea when I might be able to go back to work. So how about we stick with the current plan of me coming back with you, but we leave it open-ended depending on what Gates finds out."

Castle smiled and pressed her against the counter. "Deal."