Disclaimer: I don't own the Stephanie Plum series.

Not Quite Right

By

Kole

Chapter 12

I answered the phone with a grimace when I saw who was calling.

"Stephanie? It's your mother. We're having a nice chicken for dinner tonight." Steph's mother said.

If I remembered correctly, at this point in the story, Val was nine months pregnant and was living with Steph's parents. So, if I go for dinner I will have to deal with the craziness. Although, if I don't go it would probably look suspicious. I guess I'm going to a Plum family dinner.

"Mashed potatoes with gravy," she added when I didn't respond.

"I'm on my way." I told her.

This would be a challenge, making it through one of Steph's family dinners without anyone noticing anything odd about me.

Everyone was at the table by the time I got there. I looked around at everyone, I saw Steph's mother looked tense but she probably always looked like that. Steph's father was at the head of the table and he was shoveling food in his mouth, he grunted at me as I sat down. Valerie, Steph's sister was about a foot away from the table due to her huge stomach, actually she was huge in general. Albert Kloughn was at her side, his round face was watching Val with awe. He wasn't someone who could hide their emotions it seemed, so he probably wasn't such a great lawyer.

Val's two girls were on the edge of their seats, it seemed like they were waiting for something to happen. Grandma Mazur was happily sipping her glass of wine. I sat down at the only available seat and started eating the food that was already put on my plate before I got there.

"I read in the paper where aliens from a different galaxy are buying up all the good real estate in Albany," Grandma Mazur said.

"They'll get hit hard with taxes, they'd be better to but real estate in Florida or Texas," Kloughn told her.

Steph's father never raised his head, but his eyes slid first to Kloughn then to Grandma. He muttered something that sounded like good grief.

"If I was an alien I'd rather live in Florida anyway," Grandma said. "Florida has Disney World. What's Albany got?"

"Get me a gun," Valerie said. " If I don't go into labor soon I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now."

Steph's mother jumped to her feet and handed the gravy boat to Val. Steph's mother was worried that Val might be having contractions and Val was staring at the gravy she was pouring as though she was completely in love with it.

Kloughn made a comment about gravy which caused Val to think she was fat and Kloughn trying to fix it made it worse.

"Omigod," Val wailed. "You think I'm fat." Then she started sobbing and dropped her plate to the ground.

Then Kloughn and Grandma started talking about who farted and I looked at the door and considered leaving since it seemed no one had noticed me anyway.

"Don't even think about it," Steph's mother said. "We're all in this together. Anyone sneaks out the back way answers to me."

When the table was cleared and the dishes were done, I made my move to leave.

"I need to talk to you." Steph's mother said, following me out of the house to the curb.

I knew what was coming, if I had remembered what she would ask me I wouldn't have come tonight.

"I'm worried about your sister. What's become of her? A baby due in two weeks and no husband. She should marry Albert. You have to talk to her." Steph's mom told me.

"No way! I can't put up with her mood swings." I replied, even though I didn't really have first hand knowledge of Val being pregnant, I had been around pregnant women before.

"I'm not asking a lot. I just want you to talk to her. Get her to understand that she's having a baby."

"She knows she's having a baby. She has done it twice before. You just want her to marry Kloughn so that she moves out, right?" I asked.

"I feel like the old lady who lived in a shoe. Remember the rhyme? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? One more person in this house and we're going to have to sleep in shifts. Your father's talking about renting a Porta Potti for the backyard. And it's not just the house. This is the Burg. Women don't go off and have babies without husbands here. Every time I go to the grocery store, I want meet someone who wants to know when Valerie's getting married." she said.

"She's in the kitchen with the rest of the cake. She's probably got it topped with gravy. You could go in and talk to her. Tell her Albert Kloughn is a good man." she added.

"Ok, I'll go talk to her." I said.

"Good." she said as we both walked back inside.

I found Val sitting at the kitchen table, eating the rest of the cake.

"I'm supposed to talk to you." I told her.

"Not now. I'm busy. I'm eating for two, you know." If I had to guess, two hippos.

"Mom thinks you should marry Kloughn." It felt weird calling her mom.

"Kloughn's boring. Would you marry Kloughn?" Val asked, after shoving more food in her mouth.

"No, but he's not my type." I told her, not exactly lying.

"I want to marry Ranger. Ranger is hot." Val said.

I had to agree with her, Ranger is hot. "Ranger's not exactly the marrying type. And there would be a lot of things to think about. For instance, I think every now and then he might kill people." I told her.

"Yeah, but not random, right?"

"No, probably not random.

"So that would be okay. Nobody's perfect." Val said, scraping at the smudges on the plate.

"Ok, then. Good talk. I'll pass this on to mom and ask Ranger if he's looking for a wife." I told her, as I got up and went in search of Steph's mom.

"Well?" Steph's mom asked when I found her.

"She's thinking about it. And on the plus side she's not against marriage."

I left about five minutes later after saying goodbye to everyone. It was when I pulled into my parking lot that I remembered what happened next.

I pulled out my phone and hit speed dial. It only rang once before there was an answer.

"Yo."

"Hey Ranger."