The boring disclaimer applies.

Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.

As usual Becky came along behind me and made this all pretty and sparkly. Much luv.

All music links will be posted on my profile momentarily.

~*X*~

Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.

~The Land Before Time

~*X*~

As soon as I exited Edward's building, the sting of the cold night air engulfed me. I shivered and realized I had forgotten my jacket.

But I didn't go back.

Two blocks down, I could have sworn I heard someone yell my name from behind me.

But I didn't go back.

The streets were dark and uninviting, and it might have even been misting rain.

But I didn't go back.

I couldn't. I briskly walked toward the bus stop to wait for the next run. Please come quick. Don't make me wait.

I felt so many different emotions deep inside, I was spinning. I was embarrassed for being such a coward. I was disappointed in myself for leaving Edward. I let Esme down...I abandoned Edward…and Ethan...I was angry for being so weak. I was jealous that I had no confidence and I couldn't walk in and own a room like she did. I was furious that I had been so naive and let myself fall for him! And I was jealous Of what?? He was my friend -- a wonderful friend -- and I was jealous because he hugged someone! What was I thinking?

But more than anything I just felt dejected and defeated. My sun had set, my time had run out, my rose had withered and shed its petals and my curse had not been broken.

I needed to cry, to let go. The lump in my throat was there, but my eyes were dry. My emotions had become so overwhelming I became numb and felt nothing. My mind kicked into survival mode and I thought only about actions, not feelings.

Wherever I was going I needed to get there quick. I turned off my Blackberry. I didn't want any company, or anyone to be able to find me. So I took the bus to my place, packed a quick bag, and was back on the bus again within a half hour.

What in the hell was I running from? Every problem that was looming over me now would still be here when I returned. Edward was leaving tomorrow for his trip, but he wouldn't be gone forever. I was just delaying the inevitable. Maybe in a couple of days I would have a clear head and I might be able to handle my mess of a life like an adult, but today wasn't that day, and tomorrow didn't look too good either.

It was late when I exited the bus in Port Angeles and checked into the Holiday Inn for the next few nights. Saturday I would go to my parents place in Forks, but for the next forty-eight hours or so, I just wanted to be alone.

I splurged and rented the suite. I was thinking about bubble baths and wine and forgetting my troubles. Oh, I was also thinking of big fluffy pillows too, ones that didn't smell like Edward Cullen, although those were my favorite kind.

I pulled out my pajamas and a bottle of Tylenol PM. I changed my clothes and took three pills. I had no desire to stare at the ceiling all night.

I drew the blinds and crawled under the covers. I hated this feeling, the desire to just disappear. I wanted to fade into nothingness and let the darkness erase the memories. The hunger for so many things to be different was ever present and a continual reminder of how it was. And how it has left my soul barren. This void was enough to leave me aching, my gaping wound of a spirit cried out for healing and restoration.

Yet I ran.

And hid.

Soon the pillow became wet from my salt water tears. My cries replaced the dark silence around me. My sobs were a song of pain, misfortune and longing. The anthem of my life, the ballad of my broken heart. Yet sometimes through the chords, in-between the notes, I heard a chant of a whisper laced with hope. A small steady voice singing to me a tune of redemption, a serenade of rescue and salvation. A short little ditty promising somehow...someday...someone...someway...my soul will sing of better days.

~*X*~

The sunlight was bright as it flooded the room and reflected off the white walls, making me squint. It was warm under the covers and for just a few minutes as I woke up, my mind was blank.

Just like an hour glass being turned over as I roused from my slumber, the emotions started trickling in. I tried to concentrate on my breathing to calm myself.

Slowly in through my nose. Steady out from my mouth. Slowly in through my nose. Steady out...

Then I heard a buzzing sound coming from the floor.

I tried to ignore it but it didn't stop.

Damn!

It was my Blackberry. I had it set to automatically power on every morning at eight a.m.

I glanced at the clock, it was nine twenty. I really didn't want to check my messages. I didn't want to make any calls. I didn't want to have to deal with anything...just yet.

But I had to. Life's a bitch...

I took my time getting up out of the bed. I felt nauseated. My head was splitting, no doubt from crying last night. I massaged my forehead, but it gave me little relief. As I rubbed my eyes I felt the puffiness surrounding them.

Wonderful. A crying hangover.

When I rose to my feet, I felt dizzy and quickly sat back down. I slowly tried again, steadying myself with my eyes closed. With sluggish moves I occupied the bathroom before rummaging through my bag for my cell. When I found it I looked away as I cleared the screen. I dialed the office. I needed to talk to Angela.

"Whitlock & Associates, Ms. Swan's office."

"Angela.."

"Bella! Where are you? There-" I heard the panic in her voice and it didn't help my nerves.

"Angela, listen to me. Is there anyone right there with you?"

"Not at this exact moment, where-"

"Good, listen to me. I'm out of town today. Probably Monday too. I'm not telling you where I am so if anyone inquires you don't have to lie."

"But-"

"If anybody asks, I'm out for personal reasons. That is all anyone needs to know. ANYONE."

"What happened? Your client Mr. Cullen was here first thing this morning, and then Mr. Whitlock told me to inform him the second I spoke to you. Do you-"

"He was there?" My voice started to quake again as that empty feeling invaded my insides.

"Who? Mr. Cullen or Mr. Whitlock? Bella, what's going on?"

"Angela, I'm sorry. I promise to explain more when I return, but right now I just.. can't."

"Are you okay?"

I whispered, "No, not really. But I will be."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, will you just cover for me? I don't expect you to lie or anything, just...you know. I'm turning off my cell. I'll check back with you maybe this afternoon."

"Sure Bella. Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything. All right?"

"Thank you. Goodbye." I ended the call, ignoring the message indicator light flashing at me and turned off my Blackberry. Not long afterward I crawled back under the covers.

~*X*~

After tossing and turning for hours, my stomach screamed at me to be filled. I got up from the bed and slipped on my shoes to walk down the hall to the snack machine. A Dr. Pepper and a pack of peanut butter crackers became my snack of choice.

When I re-entered the room, my curiosity was getting the better of me. I knew there were messages waiting, and they could possibly be from Edward. My pity party was wrapping up and I was feeling the need to just get it over with. So be it. If it was time to end this chapter of my life, it was time to do it and move on to the next.

Quickly rip that BandAid off!

I pushed the power button and laid the phone down as it retrieved my messages. I went to change my clothes and pull my hair up.

I grabbed my crackers and drink and sat back down on the bed to face the music. My hands were shaking and my lip was getting sore from my relentless habit of chewing on it. I scrolled to the first missed call.

Edward C (M) 2-13 8:59 That was right after I left last night. As I rolled the track ball through the missed calls, there were ones from Alice and Rose among many others from Edward. His last call came at 1:23, that was only a little over an hour ago. I blew out my breath as the idea popped in my head that he could call again, like right now! I didn't know his itinerary for today, and what time he left Seattle and boarded his plane or when his cruise set sail. Rose had complained last night that there was no cell reception from the sea, and she wouldn't be able to speak to Emmett all week. This was a comfort and a disappointment.

I then dialed my voice mailbox to listen to my messages. My stomach tensed in fear and nerves.

Edward C. Thursday, 8:59 p.m. "Bella? Are you all right? You ran out of here without saying goodbye and....Rose said you weren't feeling well. Please call me. Do I need to bring you something? My father is here so I can run over to your place if you need me to. I... I want to see you before I leave. Call me as soon as you get this. Bye, baby."

Edward C. Thursday, 9:34 p.m. "Hey, I haven't heard from you yet. I'm on my way over. If you're sick, just get up and unlock the door and I'll let myself in. You have me worried. I'll see you in a minute."

Edward C. Thursday, 9:53 p.m. "Bella! I'm outside your door. It's still locked and I can't get in. If you're in there I know you hear me knocking. Please..."

Edward C. Thursday, 10:45 p.m. "Where are you? I called Rose and she had the landlord let me in. You're ...gone? I am so... please Bella, call me. This is like a bad joke or something. I don't know what happened or where you have gone. I just need to talk to you. Please call me as soon as you can."

Edward C. Thursday, 12:03 p.m. "(sigh) I keep calling your number praying you'ill pick up. I don't know what to think. I hope you're okay. I'm debating whether or not to go on this cruise. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy myself. I called your folks and they hadn't heard for you, so, um, I guess they're worried about you too now. I'm sorry. I hate this feeling. There are things we need to talk about Bella. It's time for us to move forward. I owe you so much. Maybe you're on your way to Jake's? I hope it's something like that. Call me any hour to let me know you're okay. I don't think I'll be sleeping. Bye Bella. Call me..."

I laid my cell on the bed. My heart was pounding and I had tears creeping down my cheeks. I was sitting here with my hand subconsciously capped over my mouth in shock. He was looking for me and…he went to my loft? He wanted to talk? To move forward? He might not be on his way to Alaska?

Without a second thought, I picked up my cell and dialed his number. I wiped my face dry and sniffed. His voice mail greeted me.

"Edward, I'm sorry about last night. I really hope you're on your way to your cruise. I told you that you needed to go and be with your family. Um, I just…I have issues Edward and I'm a coward. I'm so sorry," I paused as my voice cracked. "I do think we need to talk. I'll be waiting for you when you get back. Call me then. Have fun and…I'll miss you. Bye."

I ended the call and stared out the window at the dull, gray sky. There were other messages to listen to, no doubt from my parents, Angela, and maybe even more from Edward, but for now, I'd enough.

I picked up the remote and turned on the television. I began to flip through the channels to find something to take my mind off of the present.

The distraction didn't work. My thoughts kept returning to the sound of his voice, husky and troubled, "Please Bella." How could I be so inconsiderate as to leave him hanging like that? Had I become so immersed in my own self-pity that I didn't regard other people's feelings? Because that was never what I intended. It was time I got my feelings off my shoulders and grew up.

I turned off the TV and rummaged through my bag for shower items. I decided to go for a walk afterwards. Maybe the cool winter air could help me sort out my feelings. Also, I needed coffee and food. That would help me tremendously.

~*X*~

As I walked the sidewalks of Port Angeles, it just didn't feel right. I used to know these streets like the back of my hand, and now it felt as though I was a stranger. I wasn't in danger of getting lost. It was just foreign and unwelcoming. I didn't belong here.

So where did I belong? Forks was my hometown but not my home, not anymore. All the small towns Mike moved us around throughout our relationship were nothing more than bad memories. Then there was Seattle, which I supposed was the closest thing to a home I had. But now when I thought of Seattle, I was reminded of Edward and Ethan. Without them it wasn't a place I wanted to be. So where did that leave me?

I crammed my hands deeper into my coat pockets, searching for warmth and comfort I could not find. I longed for strong arms and a familiar touch, one that I missed so much I wondered if I would ever be satisfied with another.

Pathetic should be my middle name.

I knew there was a little bistro about two more blocks down that served panninis to die for.

~*X*~

After placing my order and glancing around the small restaurant for a secluded table, my eyes focused on a small woman holding a tiny baby. She was rocking the swaddled infant in her seat and her shoulders shook as though she was crying. I was drawn to her.

"Excuse me ma'am, are you all right?" I laid my hand on her shoulder.

I heard her sniff as her eyes turned to me.

"Oh my God! Bree?"

I quickly retracted my hand.

Her eyes were cold and distant when they met mine. I saw the shame wash over her face. She shook her head and looked back down at her baby.

I was conflicted. I hated this woman. She took what was mine and now in retrospect, I knew it wasn't worth having, but I thought of her as low-life trash, a home wrecker. But seeing her before me, miserable and damaged, didn't fill me with satisfaction like I thought it would. I felt bad for her. All those instances when I was depressed and bitter over Mike I would have liked to have someone reach out to me with compassion.

No one ever did and I ended up isolated and scared. I single-handedly dealt with the downfall of my marriage right before my very eyes with not one person supporting me. So I learned to hold myself up and get on with day-to-day living.

"You don't have to pity me Ms. Swan. You have every right to walk away and never speak to me again. It's what I deserve." She didn't look up at me as she spoke, but kept her eyes trained on her baby. I glanced down at the newborn wrapped in a blue fleece blanket and noticed how much he favored Mike.

Poor baby.

There are those times in your life when you realize you are at a crossroad. That in that very second you could do the wrong thing, even though it feels so right. Or you could be the better person, bury the fury and anger that churned within and make the wrong a right. This was one of those times. She was correct, she didn't deserve a millisecond of my time, much less an ounce of my empathy, but I would take the higher path.

My palm ached from gripping the metal chair back so tightly, so I pulled out the seat before releasing it and slid in across from her. Her eyes grew wide and I saw them fill with tears again.

I didn't know where to start.

"Bree, call me Bella please. What's going on?" My voice sounded sharp and a tad bit hateful, but I couldn't help it. It was what it was.

She huffed and shook her head.

"It's Mike isn't it?"

Her quiet sobs intensified as she gripped her baby tighter. He was such a fuck up and wasn't worth any person's tears.

"Listen, we can't change what happened in the past, and while you're not my favorite person in the world, I know what it feels like to be where you are. So if you need to talk, I'm here. If not, I understand and I'll walk away." Honestly, it didn't matter to me if she wanted to talk or not.

Then she looked up at me, her shoulders slumped and there was relief in her eyes.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. If I'd only known that it felt like this when you were being cheated on, I would have never kept it up. It's like he stabbed me with a venomous dagger through my heart. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to go on."

I looked around in dread. If he was here, I didn't know what I would do. Jail was the last place I wanted to go for killing my ex-husband with my fork. It seemed as though the coast was clear.

"Look Bree, three years ago I thought my world was ending. But you know what? It didn't. Mike leaving me was a blessing in disguise, truly the best thing to ever happen to me. Now, it took me awhile to get to that realization, and it wasn't easy. But now I know I wasted too many tears on that piece of shit. He hurt me in ways I don't know if I will ever heal from. Still to this day I suffer from the repercussions, but I'm getting better."

This caused me to pause and ponder the past year. I am getting better! Edward had shown me a whole new life. One filled with friends, happiness, acceptance, and ...love. I had to look away and smile. Love.

"Bella why did you stay with him so long?" My eyes darted back to her and I noticed that Bree's eyes were swollen with dark circles present. Her hair was messy and unkempt. Her make-up was smeared and blotchy and her clothes were wrinkled. The thought of 'what goes around comes around' came to mind, but I quickly dismissed it.

"I stayed, Bree, because I didn't know any better. I was immature. I was weak and I was stupid. Don't be like me Bree. Toughen up. Don't let him hurt you any more than he already has. What you hold there in your arms, he deserves better. You deserve better. Betrayal is hell to live through and it defiles even the strongest souls. Get out while you can. If you have any self-worth left, leave and hold on to it with all your might. Don't let him break you too Bree."

With that I stood and looked at her again, her sadness somehow touched me more than it should. "You see honey, some people are meant to stay in your life forever while others are just there to make an appearance. You become all the wiser when you can distinguish between the two. I think you already got the best he can offer. So move on."

Who was I kidding? I wasn't one to be giving advice about whom to let into your life.

I turned and walked to the counter. I asked them to change my order to go. I didn't look back at her. I was afraid I would see myself reflected in her eyes. We were the same once. I prayed that I was no longer that frightened woman crying over a broken heart. I thought I was stronger than that. But what had I done last night? The. Exact. Same. Thing. We weren't really that different after all.

~*X*~

Saturday morning after checking out from the hotel, I went down the street to rent a car for my drive to Forks. I wanted to take my time, and there was a pit stop along the way I needed to make.

I let my mind wander as I drove down the two lane highway. The passing scenery didn't entice me much, and the radio was turned down to a quiet buzz.

Before bed last night I had listened to the rest of my messages. I lost count of the calls from Edward, and he eventually quit leaving me messages on my voice mail. I noticed that he hadn't called since I called him last. I hope that meant he was on a cruise in the Pacific somewhere enjoying the blended sea and sky.

I had phoned my parents too, informing them of my impromptu visit and assuring them I was fine and it was just a misunderstanding. I had forgotten to call Angela back, and I chose to not return Rose's call after the nasty message she left. She would have to wait.

I slowed down the car as I eyed my destination in the distance. I turned into the paved driveway that lead around the edge of the cemetery. I had no idea where she was.

It took me a little over an hour to stumble upon the beautiful marble head stone, the name CULLEN centered in elegant script. One half of the front of it was bare while the other was etched with the date of her birth and her passing. I squatted down and with the tip of my gloved finger traced her name E-S-M-E in the cold stone. FOREVER LOVED, TREASURED, AND REMEMBERED written above a small oval picture of her. Then, I felt as though they were meant for me, there was a pattern of three roses chiseled out below her picture.

I fell to my knees and rested my cheek on the corner of her gravestone. Then the words poured out of me as if the sky had just opened up with a summer downpour.

I told her everything. I was excited as I spoke of Ethan's adoption being final. I told her I knew how ecstatic she would be, and that she would probably want to throw a big party to celebrate. How she would pick him up and twirl him around the room and he would squeal with delight. I told her how he was getting to be so smart and how much he loved going to preschool. He was finally potty trained and Edward was so relieved. I laughed telling her about Ethan acting like the Beast and jutting out his bottom teeth. That boy could do no wrong.

My smile faded and I became silent because I knew I owed her an apology. I closed my eyes as I told her I was sorry for not doing better with Edward. I fessed up about his drinking and that I didn't know how to handle it correctly. I told her he was so sad and that he missed her so much. I grew angry as I spoke of how unfair it was to him, and that he shouldn't have to do without her. She meant the world to him and there was no doubt he would miss her... forever.

Then the emotional downpour turned into a full fledged storm as I confessed it all. I told her she was right about my walls and how I shut everyone out, because if I never let them in they couldn't hurt me. But in blocking out the pain, I was also keeping out my joy, and I wanted to be happy and to be loved. I wanted it so desperately.

I told her about my chat with Bree yesterday and that I realized it wasn't me. I wasn't what was wrong with our marriage. It wasn't that I couldn't satisfy Mike. It was that no one could, and that was so liberating and freeing. Something good had to come out of that knowledge. It was closure of sorts knowing that I hadn't always been damaged goods.

I began to sob and it was soon difficult to talk when I told her how I left Edward and Ethan. I reached out and patted inconsolably at the slick marble as my gut clenched with anguish. I apologized again for not being stronger and not being good enough. My fear was too powerful and I didn't know how to defeat it.

I squalled as I told her that I thought I loved Edward, as much as I could anyway. If he wanted me, I wanted to try to be worthy of his attention and his heart. I wanted us to experience the bliss of love, and I never wanted to go a day without him. I smiled through my tears when I shared with her that he said he might just love me too. If I could, I would go back in time and start our relationship over. I would never reject him. I would never tell him that we should just be friends. I would just allow myself to be blinded by the love he gave at whatever level, and I would pray every night for just one more day with him, one more hour even, that way it would never end.

And because this was Esme and I knew I could tell her about the darkness that abided in my soul, I admitted I was just so doubtful and insecure. I didn't know how I would handle it if he ever rejected me. Hesitance had become my life. The maybe-s and the what-if-s had drawn an invisible line before me and so far I had not tried to cross it. I begged her for an answer, and I craved her strength and courage. If there was only a way for her to share her wisdom with me, I knew she would know exactly what to say.

My bawling soon turned to a snivel and I dried my face with my sleeve. The ceramic vase in front of her monument had three withered roses resting in it. No telling how long they had been there. I reached out to finger the brown petals and they crumbled as dust under my touch. I recalled what she had told me that day so long ago in her sun room, "It's a choice my dear. How you live your life... is a choice. Don't ever stop smelling the roses, Bella. Face the thorns without fear. Welcome the probable discomfort because it means you still have heart, you can still... feel."

Yes, I still had heart. I'd felt more in the past year than I had ever felt before. But my choice had not been to smell the roses. I just stole a sniff every now and then. They were so beautiful and exquisite, and I placed them out of my reach. I wanted to choose love and Edward. I wanted to conquer my demons and live life abundantly. The only obstacle was how.

~*X*~

Monday morning I awoke bright and early to drive back to Seattle. I stopped by Esme's grave again after buying her a dozen of the finest roses Fork's Florist had to offer. I removed the wilted ones and placed the fresh ones in the vase. I touched her picture, looked to the sky and whispered 'Thank you.' She had shared so much with me, even if it wasn't intentional. I vowed to wise up from here on out. Probably the most important thing I had realized this weekend was that life doesn't last forever. I was fed up with being regretful and depressed. If nothing else, the saints with the surname of Cullen had stirred in me emotions that I had locked away - but no longer. I hungered for more: more than just a career, more than just a lonely existence, more than just a meaningless life. I wanted it all.

My father had spent the day fishing, leaving me and my mother to bond, well as much as we could. She knew something was wrong but she never asked. She just waited for me to fess up with her all knowing eyes and sighs of sympathy. Our mundane chatter was insignificant and I never offered her more. Then last night after I excused myself to retire for the night, she said something that left me breathless. "My darling Bella, I see the sadness written all over you. I can only imagine that it has to do with Edward and I hate that you won't talk to me about it. But I want you to know that I am well aware of these barriers, these...-er walls you construct all around yourself. You always have been so cautious in keeping others out, but I hope that in doing so, you see it. You have to be aware of who scales those walls to get to you. Those people, those are the ones who truly love and care about you. Let them in Bella."

I then ran to her and cried. I couldn't remember the last time my mother consoled me. She was a woman of few words and even fewer condolences. There was no way she knew of my prior talks of walls, yet here she was offering me advice. I should try harder with her too. She was entitled to more of my life, more of my heart, more of... me.

Before I knew it I was pulling into the parking lot to return the rental car in Seattle. Then I was on a bus headed toward my loft. Then I was standing face-to-face with Rose in the hallway of our apartment building. Her hand on her hip, her eyes narrowed at me. "Well if it isn't the drama queen in the flesh."

"Rose, come on. I---."

"No Bella you come on. We need to talk. Now!"

"I need to put my bags away."

"Your place then, let's go."

Our ride up the elevator was tense to say the least and the silence was eerie and uncomfortable. She seemed to be aggravated and I didn't know what her problem was.

When we entered my loft, I could faintly smell his cologne. I remembered him saying he had been here the other night and I couldn't help but wonder how long he'd stayed. Had he gone through my things? Surely not.

Ten minutes later Rose and I were engaged in a staring contest on my couch.

She finally broke the ice. "Bella please tell me it wasn't as it seemed, and you didn't flee from Edward's Thursday night because of Tanya?"

There was no simple way to explain this to her. "Rose, it wasn't just that, you--."

"Bella, they are RE-LATE-ED. Emmett tried to fill me in. I don't know, something about growing up together. She was their cousin that lived out of state and they spent summers and holidays together as kids. Then she became an international model in Paris or Milan or I don't remember. But Dear, she hadn't seen him in years. She's like a sister to him." She was shaking her head at me.

I became awash with shame. I focused on my fingernails and tried to hide from her evil stink eye.

"She wasn't his lover or girlfriend. Or ex-lover or ex-girlfriend. Or future lover or--."

"All right! All right! I get it Rose. So I misunderstood. I said it wasn't just...her. It was everything." I stood from the couch and walked to the bay window. "It was everything. You don't understand."

"Well evidently Edward doesn't understand either. He should have been celebrating. It should have been the happiest day of his life, but instead he spent the evening worrying about you. Looking for you! Doesn't that tell you something? Anything?"

"It's not how it appears!"

"Oh really? And how is that? That after you ran out on him, he looked as though he lost his best friend because Bella that's how it appeared."

"Rose..."

"No, Emmett and Carlisle practically had to drag Edward away to the cruise. He. Didn't. Want. To. Go. The only reason he agreed is because Jasper and I promised to find you and make sure you were okay. I almost took off work today and drove to that hole in the wall town again, Spork, Spoon, Ladle, whatever it's called. The only thing that stopped me was when I called your secretary this morning she told me you were planning on working tomorrow."

"But…"

"I'm sorry. I'm just the kind of friend to tell you how it is. I'm not going to pretty it up, I'm just laying it out there no matter how ugly it is. He cares about you Bella and from what little I have heard from him, he's scared too. He says you've been through a lot and... I'm not telling you anything else." She threw her hands up in frustration. "You'll have to hear it from him but you've got to give him a chance. Stop running and quit trying to make yourself believe he doesn't care about you."

I nodded my head. I felt my eyes burn as the salt water filled my lids. How many tears can a single person produce in a week?

"Thank you friend, for the ugly truth. I'm trying here. I didn't before, but now...I'm ready to try. Rose, in my own crazy way, I love him. I...love...him! It may not be the way you love Emmett. Or the way Alice loves Jasper, but I can't go on trying NOT to love him. When he walks through that door in a few days, I have to be able to handle whatever he says to me. ... "Yes"... "No"... "A little"... "Maybe"... "Friends," my voice faded into a whisper, "Lovers." I have to deal with it myself and that is BIG for me because I don't deal. I just shove it away, lock it up, and forget. So once again thank you Rose, for your advice. Thank you for caring in your harsh, cynical way. You can leave here knowing I intend with every living cell of my being to give Edward Cullen a chance. You have my word."

"Bella, that's not how...I don't want to upset you. I'm just looking out for both of you." She smiled and her eyes glimmered. "I have looked my whole life for someone to love me the way Emmett does, and I know how easily I could have pushed him away. Never gave him - us, a chance. It would've been so easy. But knowing what I know now, it would be like committing suicide. I would cease to exist without him. I don't want to see anyone I cherish possibly do the same thing. Bella, I want you to be happy and…live and…love. It's possible. Feasible! Attainable!" Her voice was getting louder and I wondered if she was about to jump up and down and run around the room.

I laughed. "Okay, I get it." I approached her and wrapped my arms around her perfect little shoulders and gave her a hug. "Thank you Rose, you may be a bitch but I still love you."

She hugged me back and pinched my ass. "Now go bathe woman! You stink!"

"Oh hush. It was the White Castles I ate on the way home. You know - onions."

"Whatever," she pinched her nose. "They won't be back 'til about ten Wednesday night. I'm meeting Em at the airport. You wanna go?"

"Um," I shook my head. "Probably not. I think I'd rather be in private for my and Edward's reunion."

"Oh clever! Brownchickenbrowncow." She made a humping motion with her hips.

"Rose, get out of here. If I change my mind I'll let you know."

"Okay chick. I'll see you around."

"Bye Rose."

~*X*~

I unpacked my bag and heard my Blackberry ringing from the other room. I ran in there to retrieve it. The number was unknown but I answered it anyway. All I heard was static then barely through the white noise, I heard his voice. --------"Bella?"--------------- "Bel-------."

I froze. "Edward?"

Through the crackling, amongst the popping, as faint as a murmur, ------"Bella."------ Then I lost the call.

I was shocked. I plopped down on the arm of the couch and held my cell against my stammering heart. He was thinking of me. Me!

When I finally calmed myself down, I pulled my cell away and looked at the screen. I had a missed call. It was Angela. She left me a message wanting to confirm I would be there in the morning, and that I was in for a surprise. I quickly called her back.

"Whit-"

"Yeah, yeah. What surprise Angela?"

"You'll just have to come down here and see," she spoke in a sing-song voice.

I glanced over at my watch, and saw it was only one thirty. "I'll be there in forty-five."

I threw down my cell and ran for the shower.

~*X*~

I made it to the office in record time. Granted my hair was pulled up in a loose bun and I was wearing jeans, but I needed to know now!

Angela met me in front of her desk. She grabbed my forearms and looked me squarely in the face. "Bella? Are you...okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think the storm has passed. Let's do lunch tomorrow and I"ll tell you all about it."

She winked and motioned toward my office. "It came Friday. It's on your desk."

"Friday?" I giggled as I opened my door.

She propped her shoulder against the door frame. "I'd have to bet someone has a secret admirer."

Then she shut the door as I eyed the long box suspiciously.

I opened the card first. It had a picture of a Ferris wheel on the front, but no writing. I opened it up and immediately knew that doctor's chicken scratch anywhere.

"Dearest Bella, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! I hate that I'm away from you today. Just know that wherever in this vast ocean our ship is sailing I'm thinking of you. I wish I could rope the moon to repay you for your assistance with Ethan. Yet, I harbor a secret, not only did I gain a son, I acquired so much more. I hope you understand. I will show you in every way possible your worth to me. Hence your gift today. Please do not ignore the importance of the meaning of the gift or the lyrics to the music. It is all from the bottom of my heart. We seem to be able to speak our truths better through song, so enjoy. Til next time. I meant it. ~Edward"

I reread that card a dozen times. The music? "I meant it." What the hell? I meant it?

Inside the long white box were three purple irises. They had a small square card attached to the stem. IRIS: Your friendship means the world to me.

Wow. I was stunned. The beauty. The meaning. The thought. I picked up the small bundle to smell the petals and noticed the clear CD case under the tissue paper. There was another small square note folded up inside the case and the CD had a blank cover. Inside the folded-up paper were these words, no doubt lyrics from the song. "You don't have to go on livin' with your back against the wall. Let my lovin' arms surround you, I won't let you fall."

Amazing.

I fought back tears for the billionth time today as I loaded the mixed CD into my small little stereo. I sat back on the edge of my desk as the music began to play. I listened to the song over and over, my tears long spilled over. Stay Forever. Is that what he wanted? I wiped my face with my knuckles as Angela rapped on my door. "Bella, you have another one."

My chin dropped open and she handed me another long box. I looked from her to the box and back again. She shrugged and walked away, shutting the door behind her once again.

I slowly, tediously opened the box. Three more long-stem purple, breathtaking flowers. I scanned for the petite square card tied on the end. GLOXINIA: Love At First Sight

I swallowed really hard. What? Was my spit made of glue? Wait, did that say love?

Oh! Oh! The music. I picked up the flowers and the tissue paper and found the clear CD case. I popped it open and fumbled trying to unfold the note. "Chances are I'll see you in my dreams tonight. You'll be smiling like the night we met. Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer all I have. You're the only one I can't forget, Baby you're the best I've ever met."

I dropped the paper. This was too good to be true. Did he really-----? I was dazed. It seemed as though I was moving in slow motion as I swapped out the music. I listened to the second song over and over and over, up until Angela knocked on my door informing me she was leaving. I followed suit and gathered my gifts.

I held my boxes close to me as I walked to the bus stop. How ironic that just a few days ago I felt as though it was the end of the world and now... now the world was at my feet.

~*X*~

Tuesday I received JONQUIL: Love Me, Desire for Affection Returned

Three yellow blooms. I wasn't sure of the significance of the number three but it didn't matter. All the times I had dreamed of being romanced, I never knew it would feel like this. He wrote, "The first time I looked in your eyes I knew that I would do anything for you. The first time you touched my face I felt what I had never felt with anyone else. I wanna give back what you've given to me and I wanna witness all of your dreams. Now that you've shown me who I really am, I wanna be more than just your man ."

Each time the lyrics were a tad longer and their meaning, the way the words jumped off the page and strummed the chords of my heart, meant so much to me. This man, the one I once thought I could keep at arm's length had somehow taken up residence inside my soul. I was throwing away the key. He was never escaping.

Wednesday I was a ball of excited nerves. He was returning tonight. I couldn't wait. I missed him more than a beached whale missed the ocean. Edward was essential to me. I would greedily accept anything he offered to me. Anything.

When the delivery man brought my box, I practically snatched it from his grasp. I all but ran into my office and shut the door. This must be what it's like to be addicted to drugs. When you get your fix, you can't consume it quickly enough. It was as if Edward was speaking to me from thousands of miles away in a language only we could understand.

When I opened the box, I literally let it fall open on my desk. Roses. Four different color roses. Each one with their little tag attached to their stem. WHITE ROSE: I am worthy of you. I was crying silent tears. Again. PINK ROSE: Please believe me I do! I promise! DARK CRIMSON ROSE: Mourning For Esme, it has to be! The last rose was so beautiful, it looked fake. RED ROSE: I love you.

Huh?

What?

I.

Love.

You.

Me?

He loves me? This can't be right, I mean... I thought maybe... Or kinda sorta. The lyrics... Go read the lyrics.

"When the evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met... No doubt in my mind where you belong."

He loves me.

I stumbled through the rest of the day in a haze. I didn't know what to expect. I felt like I was meeting him for the first time all over again.

When I returned home, Rose called and said she had spoken to Emmett really quick before their flight took off. She was to inform me that Edward's cell battery was dead so he couldn't call. Also, that their flight was already running behind schedule, so it would be later when they arrived and that he was coming straight to my place when he got to Seattle, so wait on him. DON'T LEAVE! I think Rose added that part in. Then she said one more thing that made my stomach flip flop, "Edward told me to tell you that he meant it."

He meant it. I'm still not sure what he was referring to.

~*X*~

My eyelids were getting heavy, and I tried to pry them open with my fingertips, but it didn't help. The clock on my phone said eleven fifty-nine. I hadn't heard from Rose or Edward yet. A winter storm had blown into the city and it was a possibility the roads were treacherous. Hell it was even possible his plane was stuck on the runaway, or they may had not even been able to land at all.

I settled under my grandmother's old ratty afghan for a rest on the couch to wait on him.

I heard the knocking on the door and I shot straight up. My blood began to travel through my veins at warped speed and I think I might have even skipped to the door.

I quickly swung the door open and my heart immediately fell.

"Rose?" Her face was pale as a ghost and her eyes were red.

She reached out to me at the same time she began to speak. "Bella, listen to me. There was an accident--"

"ROSE!"

"I need you to come with me."

I reached for her because my legs began to buckle, "Rose?"

"It's Edward."

~*X*~

Sometimes people are the strongest when they have no one to hold them up.

~Wilder

~*X*~

**Crickets**

Hello?

**More Crickets**

Are u still with me? Please, trust. You can ask my beta, there is an outline I am sticking too. This was planned from the very start.

**Crickets getting louder**

(sigh) Well since you are all ready to throw me under the bus, I got a recc for ya. It's a new fic, just a few chappies in: Smoking In The Boys' Room by CorrinaTFF. Yummmm

ADC got recc'd again by 2 blogs last month, I linked their review on my profile. I now have more wrinkles from smiling so much. ~Stacy

Twitter ladies, you are the wind beneath my wings.