Chapter 12.
"Do I smell cookies?" Quil asked as he stomped across the porch into the house. His usual graceful stride was replaced with heavy footsteps and his gruff, tight voice replaced his usual pleasant tone. Quil was mad. Not just mad, he was pissed!
"Um, I better get inside," I told Jason with an apologetic look once we were alone. I quickly pointed and shifted towards the door.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go," Jason replied. He looked slightly amused. My face must have exposed my anxiety because he asked if I would be ok.
"Yeah, I'll be fine." I let out a weak chuckle trying to lighten the mood. "But I'll probably get a lecture!"
"Oh, sorry," Jason apologized seriously.
"Hey, it's ok. I'll be fine. Really." I smiled and started walking towards the door to face an angry Quil.
Jason seemed to pause before he took off down the steps, maybe contemplating one last kiss, but decided against it. He gave me a small wave and walked towards his car.
As I watched Jason leave I wondered what Quil had to say about the whole situation. As excited as I was to see Quil in person after almost a whole week, I was not eager to get inside the house to face him.
And how had I missed the tingling feeling in my chest when Quil was near? I didn't have that feeling once with Jason. Maybe kissing Jason cancelled out the sensation. How long had Quil been standing there watching us? Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't pick up Jason and throw him off the porch. I don't think Quil would actually do something like that, but maybe that's what I wanted him to do. As much as I liked Jason I probably would have been overjoyed to see Quil get crazy jealous like that. But he didn't. Quil seemed more concerned with getting to the cookies.
I found Quil sitting on the couch, finishing off the rest of the cookies, and watching TV. The vein in his head was still bulging. I stood there in the entryway of the living room and waited for the scolding to begin. Nothing happened. Quil watched TV and basically ignored me.
After I watched Quil eat the last cookie, it was obvious he was just going to let things go. I could tell he wanted to say something, but maybe he was afraid to make me mad. I took a seat next to him on the couch and chewed on my lip, not sure what to do next.
"Awesome cookies," Quil finally said. We both sat on the couch and looked at the television. Neither of us looked at each other.
"Thank you. Did you eat them all?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry. Did you get some?"
"No, but that's ok. I made them for the boys. They've had theirs." I paused for a minute and admitted out loud, "I think I made them for you because I was hoping you would come over."
"You were expecting me?" Quil asked quietly. He quickly glanced my way and returned his eyes to the television.
"Yeah. I assumed you'd come over, since you usually do when I watch the boys. I wasn't sure after not seeing you all week." I mumbled that last part.
"Were you expecting him?" Quil asked, referring to Jason. I felt myself deflate. I wasn't going to get away with anything. He wanted to talk about it.
"No," I sighed. "He just showed up. I didn't know he was coming over."
"Do you think it was a good idea to have him here?"
"I didn't have him here. He just showed up." I explained as calmly as I could. It was like he wasn't listening to me. "He just got here and he wasn't going to stay long."
"He got right down to business, didn't he?" Quil mumbled.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing," Quil mumbled again.
"Why do I feel like I need to apologize for making out with Jason?" I asked. I swore I saw Quil flinch.
"No need to apologize to me, but maybe you should to yourself."
"What?" Great. Here he goes.
He ignored me.
"Maybe you should apologize to Sam and Emily for fooling around with a kid on their porch instead of watching their children." He scoffs the word 'kid' like it was a dirty. His voice was starting to get louder.
"We were just kissing," I hissed. "And would you please be quiet. I just got the boys to sleep and it took me forever! And I don't need to watch them if they are sleeping!" Now my voice was starting to rise.
"But his hands…" Quil trailed off, taking in a large breath in an attempt to calm down.
I finally chanced a glance towards Quil. He was staring at me, but he didn't look mad at all. He almost looked hurt. I instantly felt guilty and I didn't even know why.
"I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry! I'm sorry for hanging out with a guy my age. I'm sorry for liking him. I'm sorry for kissing him and actually enjoying it. I'm not irresponsible Quil. I'm not going to do something stupid." My eyes started welling up with tears. "It makes me feel good that someone actually likes me like that. I'm almost seventeen years old and until last weekend I have never been kissed. I've never been on a date. No boy has ever looked at me that way before. They rarely ever talk to me!" At this time the tears were falling. I felt so stupid.
Quil slowly moved towards me during my rant. The anger in his face disappeared and the vein in his forehead quit bulging. His body heat warmed me up and helped calm me down. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his waist.
"Why do I feel so guilty?" I slumped into Quil's side. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and his opposite hand smoothed out my hair.
Quil's comforting made my tears and sobs come harder. I loved the feeling of being in his arms. His warm body always made me feel safe and loved. But he didn't love me in that way, so it hurt a little to stay in that nook under his arm. I couldn't make myself crawl out of my favorite spot.
Quil whispered soothing words in my ear until I calmed down.
"Why Quil?" I looked up at him and asked again. Our faces were pretty close. His eyebrows knitted together, not understanding my question. "Why do I feel so guilty for having a boyfriend…for liking a boy?" I seemed to consider Jason my boyfriend now. "Whenever I mention Jason you seem to flinch and look hurt. It makes me not want to tell you anything because it hurts to see your face like that."
"You shouldn't feel guilty. I'm sorry I make you feel like that. It's hard for me. It's just…you aren't my Claire-Bear anymore," Quil murmured.
I could see a hint of a tear in the corner of his left eye. His huge hand was on the side of my face with his thumb stroking my cheek. I could feel my breathing accelerate from our closeness. I swear it looked like he was leaning in to kiss me, but he decided against it at the last minute. Instead, he rested his forehead on mine. Being so close to Quil made me delusional.
"You're almost a grown woman and I'm afraid of losing you," he continued. Those words shocked me.
"You're not going to lose me Quil. You're my best friend. I love you so much," I whispered that last part.
And then, because I'm a hormonal teenager, and Quil's closeness messed with my brain, I leaned my mouth towards his. I don't know where I got the courage. He was touching me and telling me he was afraid of losing me, what the hell was I supposed to do? Just before my lips touched his, Quil awkwardly shifted his mouth to my forehead and kissed it, his bottom lip snagged my nose on the way up.
"I love you too Claire," he whispered and left me alone on the couch.
Sam and Emily came home and found me crying face first into the couch cushion. I'm not sure how long I had been laying there feeling sorry for myself before they got home, but Emily seemed to know what had happened. She seemed to know I had been rejected…in a big way.
"Oh sweetie, everything will be ok. I promise," Emily tried to console me by holding my shoulders and letting me cry into hers.
"Jason came over," I decided to confess.
"It's ok," Emily said as he stroked my hair and rocked me back and forth.
After my sobbing finally calmed down I confessed something else.
"I love him," I whispered.
"I know," Emily answered. She knew I didn't mean Jason.
I swore I heard Sam mutter "dumbass."
Another ten horrible, lonely days go by. I must have totally screwed things up by trying to kiss Quil. Other than three awkward phone calls with Quil, I've only seen him in person twice in those ten days. Twice! And it was only for a couple hours each time. He just showed up at my house out of the blue, unannounced. I was ecstatic both times and I couldn't keep the smile that grew on my face when I saw him at my door. I would like to think he was there because he missed me too much, but when he was there he hardly spoke to me. Quil would sit or stand near me, but focused most of his attention towards the other members of my family. He didn't completely ignore me. It was just different. He did reply when I spoke to him and he did hug me good-bye when he left, but it wasn't enough for me. My chest felt like it would split in half both times he left. His short visits actually made me feel worse.
Jason's company helped a little. Holding his hand, kissing him between classes, studying for tests together, was supposed to take my mind off Quil, but it only made me think of Quil more and how I wanted to do those things with him. It wasn't fair to Jason and I began to realize I was using him. I used him to fill the void in the relationship I had with Quil. Jason was so nice and sweet and I really liked hanging out with him, but I desired someone else. I wanted the attention of someone else, but that someone sent me confusing signals and ended up rejecting me. Until I got over Quil, all other relationships I had with the opposite sex would be doomed.
I had one more day until the school dance and seven more days until my birthday. I told myself I would enjoy my relationship with Jason and not take it any further than things have gone so far. I needed to just have fun. I needed to ignore the aching in my chest for Quil and enjoy myself at the dance. I needed to continue to be excited about my seventeenth birthday and forget about Quil's revelation of being my protector and guardian until I was old enough to decide whether I needed him or not. Apparently he made that decision for me.
Jason picked me up for the dance at six o'clock sharp on Saturday night. We were going alone in Jason's car for the first time and I was wearing the new dress I bought for myself at the mall. The dress Quil decided was too old for me and refused to buy me. I felt so naughty going against Quil's wishes. Kind of like I was shoving it in his face…even though his face wasn't around to shove it in. Ha! I'll ride alone in Jason's car and I'll wear this hot dress. See if you make me feel shitty about falling in love with you.
The dance actually didn't start until seven o'clock, but we figured we'd give my mom plenty of time to take all the pictures she wanted. I had hoped Quil would show up to see me off, because he never missed an event in my life, but I knew he wouldn't. I was going out on another date with Jason and apparently Quil didn't like Jason.
Once Jason and I were in his car on the way towards the school, where the dance was being held, Jason grabbed my hand and held it for the entire ride.
"You do look really pretty," Jason complimented me a second time with a shy smile. But I noticed this time his eyes shift quickly to my boobs when he thought I wasn't looking. Katie did draw attention to my chest back at the house. She made some comment about how I could give her half of my boobs and still have plenty left over. I almost punched her dolled-up face for making a scene.
"Thanks, you look really nice, too." I replied. Jason wore a nice suit which made him look a little older and much more attractive than he already was. He lifted our entwined hands and kissed my knuckles.
Before we walked into the gym we had to get yet another picture taken. The photographer posed us in the traditional position standing Jason behind me with his hands placed on my hips.
"This is so cheesy," I whispered through my clenched smile before the camera flashed.
"I know," Jason laughed and gently pushed me out of the way so the next couple could be tortured. "Come on, I see Marshal."
Jason's friend Marshal asked my friend Karla to the dance using a lot of persuasion. Karla didn't do dances, she never has, and she certainly didn't like to dress up. But she did like to be pampered. Marshal promised her a nice dinner and flowers before the dance if she would agree to go with him. She reluctantly agreed. But by the looks of how the two were dancing Karla had been sufficiently wooed.
"Whoa! Check those two out," I said to Jason, nodding towards Karla and Marshal. The couple seemed to have made their way to the center of the dance floor, out of site of the chaperones, and were dancing much too slowly for the song that was playing.
Jason rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Marshal likes to dance. He's liked Karla for a long time."
"Huh, Karla has never mentioned anything about Marshal until he asked her out."
"I think that's what he likes about her. She's not like the other girls in school," Jason said as he snaked his arm around my waist. "Neither are you." He dropped his face to mine and gave me a soft kiss. Just before my knees were about to give out from the kiss, Jason pulled away.
"Come on, let's go dance."
"Ok, but I'm warning you. The last time I danced was at my cousin's wedding. I'm not very good," I laughed.
"That's ok. Neither am I."
The gym was decorated in the basic paper streamers, in the school colors, draped across the doorway. Several Japanese lanterns, in many different sizes, hung from the ceiling. The DJ booth shot out different colored lights that flashed across the dance floor. It was pretty simple, but looked alright for a high school dance in the gymnasium.
Jason pulled us towards Marshal and Karla and luckily the next song was a slower one. Jason held my hand up to his chest while his other arm wrapped around my waist again. His hand rested just above my right butt cheek. The left part of my body was flushed with his right. This was the first time we had been this close since our make-out session on Sam and Emily's front porch. It was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. I liked it, but something was missing. That spark and connection the Wolf Girls had talked about. But Jason was so sweet and he made me feel good about myself. He would be a perfect boyfriend if not for one thing. Jason wasn't Quil.
I sighed and let my face cuddle into Jason's shoulder. Why couldn't I just enjoy my time with Jason without thinking about Quil?
Jason responded to my cuddling by squeezing me closer and kissing the top of my head. I could hear him humming to the song blaring through the gym.
Although we were right next to Marshal and Karla during the last slow song, they didn't notice we were there until the song ended.
"Oh, hi guys." Karla looked flushed and slightly embarrassed. I smiled knowingly at her. Karla wasn't the type to be slightly embarrassed and flushed. She shrugged in reply and ignored my look.
"Hey," Marshal said when he noticed us there. "Do you guys want to come over after the dance and hang out a little? I don't think we are going to stay here too long." Marshall looked at Karla for confirmation and she nodded in agreement.
"Sure!" Jason said with excitement. "If that's ok with you," he asked me.
"Yeah, that's fine," I replied. I was slightly relieved because I wasn't much for dancing and felt stupid just standing around when we weren't dancing.
"Sweet. I'm going to say something to Kevin and some of the other guys too."
"Aren't your parents home?" Jason asked.
"Nah. Out of town for the weekend," Marshal replied with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Jason looked at me. "Are you sure it's ok with you?" I smiled at his concern, although I wasn't sure what he was concerned about. I'd never really hung out with his friends before, but as long as Karla was there I'd be fine.
"Yeah, I don't have to be home until one o'clock."
Along with my first dance and my first date night alone with Jason, a party would be another first for me.
A/N: This chapter was kind of filler, but I needed to transition a little and skip through a bunch of days without Quil. I promise that I'll try to be quicker for the next chapter.