'Holmes.'

'Shhh.'

'Holmes.'

'Wait.'

'Holmes.'

'Be patient, Watson!'

'Holmes.'

'All right, Watson, what is it?'

'Why is there a dead snake on the sofa?'

'Is it dead? Bother.'

'Yes, it's dead, look…. Argh!...Ok… it may not be as dead as one might hope.'

'Oh. Good.'

'So, rephrasing the original question, why is there a live snake on the sofa?'

'Oh, well, I didn't think Mrs Hudson would be too pleased if I put it in the kitchen or on a table.'

'No, I mean, why is there a live snake?'

'Don't worry, it's a colubrid. Less venomous than viperids or elapids. It's called a Boiga snake. Fascinating creatures.'

'Holmes.'

'Sometimes they're known as cat-eye snakes.'

'Really?'

'Yes. They are interesting.'

'Oh, you shall have to tell me more about –Holmes, answer the damn question!'

'Experiment.'

'Might I ask of what?'

'I'm testing the effects of being bitten by a mildly venomous snake.'

'Ah.'

'Quite.'

'Indeed.'

'Ah, that reminds me. Watson, you wouldn't be interested in helping an experiment of mine –'

'No.'

'Don't worry, most people –'

'No.'

'Fine. How inconveniencing of you, Watson. All right then, I shall have to be bitten myself. It will not be too dangerous.'

'No, Holmes, are you insane? You're going to let that snake attack you?'

'Oh, don't worry, it is only mildly venomous.'

'No, I absolutely forbid it. It's a ridiculous idea.'

'Oh, come now, Watson.'

'No. How would you get the snake to stop attacking you, for a start? Don't you "mildly venomous" me, Holmes, it's a hare-brained scheme.'

'How unsporting of you, Watson.'

'Never mind that. Now, how are we going to get rid of that snake?'

'Do we have to get rid of it? I can think of several uses for it-'

'Absolutely not. It is not staying in this house.'

'But the lengths I went to get it…'

'Are irrelevant. Hang on, out of curiosity, how did you get it?'

'Well, I believe I have mentioned bumping into a snake charmer in the past-'

'You know what, I get the feeling I do not want to know how you acquired it.'

'All right then.'

'Coming back to the question of how we are getting rid of it.'

'Must we keep calling it, 'it'? I thought the snake looked rather like an Albert sort of chap.'

'Albert…'

'Yes.'

'Right. Anyway… '

'Oh, not to worry, Watson. I have a box which can easily fit a snake. I have seen the art of taming a snake before in Asia. Where did I put the poker…'

'By the fire?'

'No, no… I know! It is wrapped in a tablecloth in my wardrobe.'

'You are insane.'

'Sorry?... oh, well, has been said many times before.'

'Should I be surprised?'

'Right, here is the poker… and here is the box. Don't trouble yourself, Watson, I'll get it in.'

'The humour is not appreciated.'

'Well, you are attempting to blend in the wallpaper at the end of the room. Come, it is sedated, it won't bite.'

'The view is good from here, thank you.'

'Very well. Now… if I just get that… and edge that round…. And then place it…. Exactly.'

'Is it safely in?'

'The box will not open, Watson.'

'Good. I say, what are you going to do with it now?'

'As a matter of fact, I know this group who are particularly keen to raise their number of exotic animals, and if I could find the beard for the sailor outfit I could – '

'Really, no more information needed.'

'Well, now that's over and done with. I still do not understand what the problem was with having a snake in the sitting-room.'

'I do.'

'Well, never mind. Even so, it would not have hurt us in here because these snakes attack mostly when the victim is asleep.'

'Holmes…'

'Oh, speaking of which, do be careful in your room, one slithered off in there and I believe that it may be in your bed. Do let me know when you find it. Right, I'll go and return this one. Goodbye, Watson!'