A/N: I'm not even going to make you wait. Just be sure to read the author's note at the end. Love you so much for the reviews and for sticking with me loves.
**
"You could be happy and I won't know,
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go.
And all the things that I wish I had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.
Is it too late to remind you of how we were,
And not our last days of silent, screaming blur?
Most of what I remember makes me sure;
I should have stopped you from walking out the door."
-Snow Patrol
Chapter 12
Forever is Gone
Everything was dark, black and empty. I felt weightless; floating unattached. The cool calm silence that surrounded me was comforting, the lack of light peaceful.
"Bella! Bella!" A gruff voice called to me, breaking through the serene silence. It pulled and tugged at my body, gravity taking a hold of me. "Bella honey wake up!"
I mumbled something short of incoherent.
Where was I?
"Bella," A softer voice spoke. It was soothing, smooth like silk and soft like powdered snow. "I know you can hear me," They continued, their tone encouraging. "You need to open your eyes."
"I-I-I" I struggled to speak, suddenly too tired. "C-can't' I fumbled.
"You can," They insisted. "You have to," They gripped my hand firmly.
"W-who?" I couldn't place a name or face to the calming voice.
My head was spinning.
"Bella it's me Leah," She said. "Leah Clearwater."
Leah? Le-ah...Leah, Leah...Le-
LEAH. CHARLIE. BILLY. LANA. JACOB.
It hit me with the weight of a ton of bricks and the force of a forty foot tidal wave, washing down on me; pulling me into the current. My eyes flew open, my body jolting forward off the ground into a sitting position. I immediately began coughing, choking on the very air that was giving me life.
"Shh, shh you're ok," Charlie whispered in my ear from where he knelt next to me. He rubbed light circles on my back as my throat waged war with my lungs.
"Here drink this," Leah handed me a bottle of water which I gladly took.
I blinked back spots and the tears that blurred my vision, taking in my surroundings. We were sitting by the fire, still on the beach, still in La Push, and still in front of the entire Quileute Tribe. I shied away from the many sets of eyes boring into me.
"W-what happened?" I choked out.
"You blacked out," Leah whispered. "After the...news."
My eyes shifted to the front of the fire where Jacob stood with Lana. I cringed as I noticed his hand clasped tightly in hers.
"Bells are you alright?" Charlie asked, smoothing out my hair and tucking a stray strand behind my ear. I nodded feebly as I began to recollect the happenings of the last ten minutes or so.
Billy. The stories. The pack. Jacob and Lana. An Announcement. An engagement. Jacob's engagement. Jacob and Lana's engagement, not Jacob and Bella's.
Tears swam in my eyes once more. Charlie's face softened at the sight of them and he quickly wiped them away.
"Hey, hey it's going to be ok, alright?" I nodded my head as the tears fell. "You're going to be ok." He kissed me on the forehead and wiped at my tears once more.
"She alright?" Billy asked from his seat.
"Yeah she's-" Charlie stopped short in his sentence. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched tight. I looked at him with confusion in my eyes as he quietly stood to his feet his fists flexing as he turned his back on me.
"What did you just say?" He asked.
Unsurprisingly his question was directed towards Lana. She stood behind Jacob with a scowl placed on her face. I moved to stand to my feet and Leah held my arm, helping me along. I was neither surprised nor uncomfortable when she joined me by Charlie's side, her hand held firmly in place.
"I said who cares," Lana hissed as she took a step away from Jacob, though their hands held firm. "Cause you know, it's pathetic really." She continued.
"Lana don't," Jacob attempted to pull her back to him but she released her hand from his grip; he didn't fight her.
"It's so like her to pull some stupid stunt like this," she growled tilting her head in my direction. I reflexively took a step backwards. Leah's grip tightened and pulled me back. She wanted me to face this and she was going to do it with me. "For her to 'faint'…God," She shook her head in disgust. "And get all emotional just to get all of the attention, to take away from our happiness." My eyebrow s rose at this accusation. Was she serious?
"Now you listen here," Charlie stepped forward. "I don't know who you think you are-"
"I think I'm Jacob's fiancée" She interrupted him, holding up her left hand. I gaped at the diamond, an unusually huge blinding rock; how had I missed that? "And your pathetic, migraine-inducing, slut of a daughter needs to respect that and back the fuck off." Charlie's back stiffened and I could see the faint but rapidly growing glow of red on his neck. "She already had her chance."
A simultaneous gasp broke out within the crowd at Lana's words. My heart burned with anger and my eyes stung with fresh tears as Jacob stood by and did nothing. His head hung low and his shoulders were tense, yet he did nothing. Whether I had ruined our relationship, our friendship or not, never in a million years did I suspect that he would stand for the kind of disrespect that was being directed at my father.
The tears were coming faster now.
At the sight of Charlie's reddening face and his shaking form the pack rose to their feet creating a semi-circle of protection around Lana. Leah's hand fell away from my arm and she shifted to stand in front of me in her own protective stance. This did not go unnoticed by the pack and a low growl ripped from each of their chests, all except for Seth. He eyed me warily, his eyes full of an unspoken apology; he didn't want to be a part of this fight anymore than I did.
"She really should just let it go," Lana hissed.
"You fucking bi-" Charlie growled advancing on her.
In the blink of an eye Jacob was standing before Charlie, one hand firmly pressed against Charlie's chest, holding him in place, the other gripping his arm tightly. Charlie looked down at his chest then to the stern look on Jacob's face.
I knew and Jacob knew that Charlie would never touch Lana…why was he doing this?
"What are you-"
"I need you to take a step back," Jacob's voice was low and dangerous. The pack tensed behind him, their teeth baring growls ripping from them as I shook my head wildly. This wasn't supposed to happen; we weren't supposed to be on opposite sides. Sensing my distress Leah took my hand once more in attempts to calm me.
Charlie's eyes flicked to Billy and then to the pack, down to his chest once more and then ended back on Jacob's face. His bewildered expression transformed into one of anger and betrayal.
"I suggest you take your hands off of me, right now." His voice was ice cold and unforgiving, a tone that he had never used with Jacob.
"I can't do that." Jacob's eyes were serious. Bile filled my throat at the defensive stance he held towards Charlie; it wasn't supposed to be like this.
"The hell you can't!" Charlie roared throwing Jacob's hands off of him, shoving him back away from his body. "You have no right, no fucking right to tell me what to do!" He advanced on Jacob who surprisingly took a step back though more out of shock than fear.
"Charlie," Billy called.
"And you!" Charlie whipped around to point an accusatory finger at him. "You knew all along and you said nothing!"
"If you would just let me explain-"
"Explain what? Explain how you invite us here like we're family and then pull this?" Charlie's voice was straining, he had never exerted so much emotion as he was now. "Are we some sort of joke? Are her feelings a joke to you, something to mock?!" All eyes turned to me and I froze in my place.
"Charlie please," Sue cried standing from her seat. Leah let out an unexpected low growl.
Sue stumbled, Charlie was un-phased.
"Don't you say a word to me," Charlie hissed. "How could you?"
My eyes stung at his shaky words, the defeated look upon his face.
"Sue was unaware," Billy rushed. "She only found out just before the celebration,"
Charlie snorted. "Is that what this is then?" He placed his hands on his hips.
"It's true," Sue pleaded.
"No matter when you knew, you will still stand behind this," He said shaking his head.
My heart broke at his distraught expression and the unshed tears that filled his red eyes. My mistakes were ruining everything.
"Charlie I have to-"
"No you choose to." He let out a heavy sigh and lifted his eyes to meet hers. "You know, I've put up with this tribes cockamamie bullshit traditions and rules for too long now," He hissed. "I'm done."
Sue let out a strangled cry and reached a desperate hand forward.
"Charlie surely you can see this is not the place nor time to discuss this-"
"Right Billy, you're right," Charlie's words dripped with sarcasm. "But I'm sure it was the right place and time for this,"
"Oh go to hell," Lana made a move towards Charlie but was held by the steady hand of Jacob.
"We're done Billy," Charlie said ignoring her.
"Charlie don't do this," Billy pleaded.
"No, you made your bed," Charlie hissed. "Now you have to lie in it." He tore his eyes from Billy and Sue and eyed each member of the pack. "Bella we're leaving, now." He turned towards me and grabbed my hand and thanked Leah as she helped him gather up our blankets.
I was too dazed, shocked, and confused to help.
"I think that's for the best," Sam spoke from Jacob's side.
Lana rolled her eyes. "Good riddance," She hissed under her breath.
Charlie ignored each of them and grabbed the rest of our stuff. As we turned to leave I attempted to catch Jacob's gaze but he refused to meet my eyes.
"Charlie," Billy pleaded once more, trying to wheel his way around the pack and towards us. Charlie turned to face him, his shoulders rigged and back straight; he was wearing his Chief Swan mask.
"I'll say this once and one time only," He growled. "None of you are to set foot in my town." The pack crossed their arms at this. "If I or any of my officers catches even a toe over that borderline…there will be hell to pay." He spat the last part and turned to leave taking my hand again.
"Charlie," Jacob was the one to speak this time, stepping forward.
"And that goes especially for you," Charlie's voice reached an all time low as he stood before Jacob. "You are no longer welcome in Forks or in my home," Jacob stiffened; Charlie's voice lowered impossibly more into a deadly whisper. "You stay away from my town, you stay away from me, and you stay the fuck away from my daughter," I could see the tightening of Jacob's jaw and the sudden appearance of liquid in his eyes as Charlie spoke this last part. "Understood?"
Jacob nodded his head curtly and took a step back.
No, no, no. This can't be happening.
Charlie reached for my hand but I side stepped him.
"Bella?" I ignored his questioning voice.
"Jacob," My words were strangled against the cry that begged to leave my chest. "Jacob, please" I moved towards him.
"Bella, we're leaving," Charlie hissed grabbing my hand to pull me back. I struggled against him.
"Jacob, please" I cried out. He turned his gaze to the ground. "Jacob look at me, please."
"Bella stop this," Charlie hissed as I continued to pull forward.
"Look at me," I whispered. I was only a few feet from him, just a little bit more and I could be in his arms. "It doesn't have to be like this"
I heard a silent scuffle and knew that Leah was refraining Charlie at the sudden absence of his hand. I chanced a glance behind Jacob and saw that Seth had taken a stance in front of Lana effectively holding her back.
"Jacob," His lower lip trembled his hands clenched in fists
"Bella don't" Charlie called.
"Jacob I need you," I whispered. I was standing before him, my hands outstretched. "I-I love you."
He took in a shaky breath his body trembling. I wasn't scared; I knew he was only crying.
"I love you,"
He raised his eyes to me his face a sudden hard mask.
His eyes cold and unforgiving.
His jaw clenched, mouth set in a hard line.
I flinched.
"I can't" He whispered. "I love her."
My hand fell, my heart plummeted and I was once more gathered into the arms of my father.
Charlie clutched at me tightly and struggled to right me. Leah helped him support me and Charlie took a moment to shoot them all one last scathing look before we took off across the sand, Charlie muttering obscenities the entire way, Leah trying to offer some words of hope while I walked in stunned silence.
It wasn't until we reached the privacy of my room that I allowed myself to break down.
In Charlie's cruiser with Leah occupying the back, it had been a subdued silence that rooted me to the seat, too afraid to voice my fears; my loss. I sat there in complete and utter silence as Charlie rambled on, finally letting loose all of his inner demons; his own worst fears. A daughter broken and lonely, a shell of who she had once been; the reappearance of zombie Bella. He had not voiced this out loud or spelled it out in words but I was smart enough to read between the lines.
So when he retired to his bedroom too worn out and hurt to offer a kiss or hug goodnight I let myself break in the presence of Leah as she silently tucked me into bed. And I promised myself that this was the last time, that there would be no more tears over Jacob Black.
Leah allowed me to cling to her like a life-vest as I cried my own ocean of tears, pushing out everything that hurt me that had ever related to Jacob. And she rocked me back and forth in my waves of despair and smoothed my hair upon my head in a motherly gesture that I would have expected from only Emily. And it was there that she sang an old tribal song to me in the tongue of her ancestors; a song I had dreamed of three years ago; one that had never left me. It was soothing, familiar, and foreign all the same for her delicate voice did not hold the same rich baritone ring that Jacob's had.
And in the throws of the night
the lone wolf he cried
for the love lost not gained
For his poor heart so maimed.
And when the sun rose,
The next day over the shore
He rejoiced at the sight
He knew now to fight;
For the love lost not gained,
Yet still it stayed and remained.
**
I awoke to the sound of Charlie yelling more obscenities downstairs in the kitchen. Not exactly an ideal wakening after the night that I had.
At the mere thought of the disastrous evening my head began to ache. I groaned inwardly and sunk deeper into my bed throwing my blankets over my head. I needed to escape, to block out the world. I couldn't fathom the fact that things were definitely, possibly over between Jacob and me. We're best-were best friends I guess you could say.
But things were never really over for me.
I never wanted to let him go.
I knew that I would have to fight and I would have to fight hard; tooth and nail. I was going to have to put myself out there in the most vulnerable position I could ever imagine. The rolls were reversed I was going to take Jacob back or I was going to be the other woman, either way I was going to have him; I needed him. For me Jacob was life, he was everything that I had ever wanted but was too stupid to let go of. He was what I wanted in life, what any smart girl would want in life.
I had to fight.
There was no other option.
From under my covers it was nearly impossible to hear the knock on my door over Charlie's voice.
"Come in," I mumbled from under my covers.
There was another knock.
"Come in," I said a little louder.
Again, another knock.
Fed up I threw my covers off of me and stomped to my door. I made sure to slam my feet extra hard to show my irritation at having to remove myself from my warm bed. I flung open the door with as much straight as I could muster and found myself face to face with Leah.
"Hey," She said moving past me and into my room.
"Hi," I replied shutting the door behind her as Charlie belted out a particular nasty string of words to the unlucky recipient on the other end.
"Any idea who he's talking to?" I asked turning to face her.
Leah had taken a seat in my desk chair and was diligently flipping through my latest edition of Cosmo.
"Billy," She stated whilst keeping the flow of her page turning.
I nodded even though she wasn't looking at me and added an "Oh" as an afterthought. I plopped down onto my bed across from her and watched her as she read. We sat in silence as she read; I didn't know what to say. You would think that after the past few days I'd be able to hold a normal conversation for the one person that's been here the most for me.
The silence continued.
Nope, I guess not.
After another good ten minutes of me staring like a psychopath and Leah continuing with her page turning she spoke.
"Ha, listen to this," She laughed leaning forward. "Number 99 on Cosmo's Hot Sex Tips list," I blushed at this. "It says, 'Pull his hair as he finishes. His scalp has tons of nerve endings, so it'll feel amazing' hmm" She looked up and smiled at me. "Did you try that with Jake?"
My mouth dropped. My stomach churned.
Leah's eyes instantly filled with regret. "Too soon?"
"You think?" I choked.
"Sorry," She stood up throwing the magazine down on my desk and then plopped down next to me. "Just trying to lighten the mood" I let out a tiny laugh and Leah smiled.
"I didn't know you read Cosmo," I continued on with the now light mood.
Leah snorted. "There's a lot you don't know about me."
I nodded. "Very true."
"I don't by the way," She said. I raised my brows. "Read Cosmo…regularly, I mean."
I nodded my head in understanding. I couldn't really picture her being the Cosmo type; at least not yet.
"So what else don't you do regularly?"
"This," Leah motioned her hand back and forth between us. "Bond with people…"
I paused and then smiled, laughing at the clearly uncomfortable expression on her face.
"It's not funny," She hissed, attempting to hide her own smile.
"Of course it is," I retaliated. "I mean three years ago, this-us would have never happened."
Leah chuckled. "Yeah, yeah I guess you're right."
"No, I am right."
Leah laughed once more and we fell into another silence. I knew that there were so many unanswered questions that needed answers but neither of us could find the right way to start the process. We both undoubtedly knew that the next few hours or so would be extremely hard for the both of us; filling each other in on the happenings of the past three years.
"Hey Leah,"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks," I whispered looking down at my folded hands suddenly embarrassed.
"For what?"
"For this, all of it" I gestured to the space between us trying to convey what I meant. "For sticking by me…I know it probably isn't easy-"
"It's easy," She interrupted me. "So don't worry about it."
"I know, I just- I feel bad, like I'm coming in between you and the pack."
"Bella if you haven't noticed, I'm not apart of that pack anymore," She was quite when she voiced this, her words heavy.
"What?" I couldn't rid my voice of shock.
"I left the pack, I'm a deserter." She spoke this with sudden energy and strength.
"What? How? When?" I spluttered over my words, turning to face her.
"After you came back," She admitted. "That night, after you left Jacob's house… I decided to leave; I didn't want to be a part of it."
"Why?" I breathed.
"Sam and the rest of them, besides my brother, they've lost sight of who we were and what we were meant to be." She said this harshly. "Once Jacob im-once he got with Lana and stopped phasing, things began to change, everyone was different."
I noticed her hesitation on the dreaded word that represented all of our hatred and pain. Leah understood, she felt where I was coming from.
"Different?"
"Yeah, imprinting well that became the soul focus for everyone, I mean Jake had finally done it, Seth had done it," Seth imprinted? "Everyone had finally done it…except me." Her voice was sullen at this confession. "I felt like an outcast, a freak."
"Leah, I'm sorry-"
"Don't be sorry," She snorted shaking her head. "I don't want it; it doesn't bring happiness…it only brings pain."
I knew what she was speaking of first hand, knew how she felt. In all truthfulness I didn't know the exact same pain, but the origination was all the same. Sam had left her for his imprint, her cousin, leaving her behind after everything they'd been through together. And Jacob…well we know how that's going.
"We were going to get married," She whispered, I could hear the tears in her voice. "He proposed to me the night before…before her." She still couldn't bring herself to speak her cousin's name. The betrayal and hurt was still too painful. "She came down to celebrate with me; she was the first person I told." Her shoulders shook with silent tears and I laid a hand on her shoulder trying to offer some comfort. "He promised me so many things that night," Her eyes were red and glazed over as she relived the happiest moment of her life. "And then just like that he took it back and left me with nothing."
I wrapped my arm around her.
"For a while it was just Jake and me," Her voice had returned to her normal level of calm. "We didn't have- he, he hated it more than I did," She admitted with a shrug. "On the nights when everyone else was off with their 'soul mates' we would run and voice all of our hatred towards it, unafraid to admit how we really felt. It was bad…really bad for Jake," I cringed at this. "He knew it was what was standing in his way to get to you, that it was keeping you from being with him."
"And it did," I mumbled.
Leah was silent then.
"We're alike in a lot of ways," She said turning to look at me. I met her eyes and nodded my head. "That's part of why I left too…I knew you would need someone."
My eyes widened at this.
"I was already planning on leaving the pack, I just hadn't told anyone yet." She shrugged. "It was a bitch trying to not think about it on patrol." She laughed, I joined in. "So when you came back, well I knew that it really was time, I couldn't put it off any longer."
"What did Sam say?" I asked timidly.
"He was livid," She laughed again. "Especially when I let slip that you were part of the decision; he thought I was betraying the pack, the tribe" She snorted. "But it didn't-doesn't matter." She said. "We've got to stick together," There was a fire in her eyes when she said this.
"Right," I nodded. "The club for Women Scorned," She let out a boisterous laugh.
We fell into a comfortable silence, each of us reflecting on our thoughts and last night's event.
"I do want to see you happy Bella," Leah suddenly spoke. "And I know that Jake is the only thing that will make you happy."
I nodded a silent agreement.
I admired Leah greatly, for her strength and courage. I knew now more than ever that she was going to be my rock, the one person that I could turn to when needed.
"I'm going to help you," She said defiantly.
"Really?"
"Yes," She said smiling. "Plus helping you is a sure fire way to piss off Sam."
I laughed loudly at this and smiled at her.
"Thank you," I said taking her hand.
In more ways than one and now more than ever, I was beyond grateful of my new found friendship with Leah. She and she alone had held me together through this whole ordeal, had supported me when no one else but Charlie would. I knew that she was going to be the driving force behind my winning Jacob back. And now that she was definitely undoubtedly on my side, well there were things that I still needed to share with her.
And I figured the best place to start would be the beginning…and with the truth.
"Um, I wasn't really completely truthful the other night," I whispered, locking my hands in my lap.
"How so?" Her voice was curious, not angry, almost as if she expected this confession.
"When I told you about Edward and leaving with him…how it happened." I mumbled. "He kind of left without me,"
"Without you?" She snorted. "That's hard to believe."
"Yeah I know," I breathed out. The fact that Leah's voice was calm and subdued helped with this particular confession; made it easier on me. "He left me after I went to see him, said that I should stay in Forks."
"Hold on, none of this is making sense," Leah shook her head and turned to face me, making herself comfortable on my bed; and for good reason, this was going to be a long night.
"I know it doesn't, it didn't make sense to me either."
And it hadn't. After everything that he had said to me that night he was letting me go, giving me a chance to go back to Jacob.
"So what happened, explain everything."
"Well, after we finished talking we kind of sat around for a bit, I think he was just letting everything sink into my brain." I said. "Then he told me that I wasn't ready to be with him again, that I shouldn't come with him if I didn't love him."
And this was true. After Edward had somewhat convinced me to stay with him, he let me go. It was like the first time all over again, claiming I wasn't good for him, that maybe we really should end things.
But I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose him another time.
I had done a complete one eighty; gone from needing Jacob to needing Edward more. It wasn't until later on that I realized what he had done. By letting me go a second time he had solidified my decision to stay with him, knowing that him leaving a second time would kill me, I wouldn't be able to survive it.
Edward knew and Alice knew that if I was the one to leave, I would be able to move on; I could learn to love again. They had picked up on my subconscious fear of abandonment and used it to their advantage. They had played me like an old time fiddle, plucking at my strings in just the right way to get me to sing the tune they needed.
"When Edward told me to stay behind I panicked,"
I held my head low in my hands as I divulged all of this to Leah. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I had allowed myself to be so easily manipulated.
"I begged him to let me go with him, but he refused," I could feel an onslaught of tears but I held them at bay. "They left that night and I stayed in his room."
I had curled myself up onto the bed he had bought for me and cried myself to sleep. I wallowed in my own self misery at the second rejection trying to convince myself that I could make it, that maybe I could move on with Jacob.
"All my doubts and insecurities fed on me that night," I shuddered. "I should have gone to Jacob, I should have dragged myself out of there but I didn't." I shook my head and clenched my hands into fists.
I was so angry at myself for my stupidity and ill judgment's. I had the opportunity to pursue happiness, it was all there in front of me yet I still turned away.
"So I went after them, that very same night." I spoke softly. "They conveniently left their new address, stating that I could join them when I was ready." I let out a malicious laugh. "They knew all along that I would be on my way just hours after them…it was what they had planned."
The new home was in Alaska, far back in the recesses of the woods far away from any sort of real civilization. They had welcomed me with open arms when I arrived on their front doorstep happy and satisfied that their plan had worked; I had come through. Two days later I was enrolled in a nearby college and would be attending classes with Edward.
"Looking back on it now, that life was torture." I revealed. "I never made any friends from school, I was always with Edward or Alice."
"Figures," Leah scoffed.
"Edward and I were both literature majors, ensuring that we'd be in all classes together, it was so smothering, but I accepted it." I groaned.
I spent every waking moment with Edward, and when that wasn't happening when he wasn't crowding my personal bubble I was being smothered by Alice. Shopping trip after shopping trip and make shift 'slumber parties' in her room were running my life. They kept me busy with random things, anything possible to keep my mind from straying to the ever present memory of Jacob.
They sometimes would catch me in a far-off distant gaze and they knew what I was thinking of; longing for. Those were the times when I would then find myself in the midst of one of their lectures, always being reminded of the reasons I left.
"But then there were moments that I had to myself," I added as an after thought. I cringed slightly recognizing the desire to still protect Edward and his family. "There were times where I was allowed to go out on my own."
"Alone or not, you were probably being watched," Leah said with a shrug of her shoulders.
I nodded in agreement. "But whether I was being watched or not I used it to my advantage,"
"So what made you leave?" Leah asked. "If you were 'accepting' of the way your life was going, why did you leave?"
I paused and folded my hands in my lap. This was the moment that I had been waiting for, the moment to reveal what had happened when I left and why I left. I wanted Jacob to be the first to know, but my conscious was speaking to me now, Leah was the person to tell; and when I told her she would know exactly what to do with the information.
"It was a Friday night, when it happened." I began, my voice shaking nervously. I wasn't sure how she would take this confession. "It was one of the rare times when I could go out on my own,"
I was at a local coffee shop, Barney's, for one of their open mic nights. People from all over the town would come and listen or participate. People would read excerpts from books, some would read poetry, and others would sing. I was always a spectator, taking up my usual seat at the tiny table in the back and I would sit for hours on end just watching. I wouldn't interact with anyone but I still got my dose of a "social atmosphere" that I had been denied for so long.
"That's where I met him," I whispered a blush suddenly rising to my cheeks.
I could still picture his smile; hear his laugh; see the shine in his deep brown eyes.
"Wait, him?" Leah gasped. "Him who?"
"His name was Ian," I whispered.
Ian Michael Scott, was his full name. I had never seen him before, spoken to him or known his name until he told it to me that night. He was beautiful, gorgeous, everything that I could possibly want in a guy, physically at least. He was all of these things simply for one reason;
"He reminded me so much of Jacob," I sighed. "He could have been his twin."
I had already been sitting at my usual table for a good two hours when I finally met him. The last poet reader had just finished and two young men I recognized from my Shakespeare class were setting up for their acoustic set. I was busy staring off into space, thinking of Jacob when my view was suddenly filled with another being, sitting at my table…with me.
As my eyes traveled up from the warm copper colored hand that rested on the table across from my own, my breath had caught in my throat. Against all better judgment my mind immediately began to scream with delight, I had thought it was Jacob, sitting right there before me, like I had been dreaming of but five seconds earlier. When my eyes took in his face I nearly screamed.
"He looked so much like him," I breathed. "I swore it was Jacob, I thought he had come for me."
"So what happened?"
I sat there for a good five minutes staring at him, dumbfounded. He stared back with a crooked smile on his face, his teeth a gleaming white, his eyes shining with amusement. His skin was such a rich copper, his hair midnight black, done in the same style as Jacobs, short but spiky in the front; like he jelled it.
"Hey," he spoke. The sound of his voice caused a sudden stirring to build within me; a heat I hadn't felt in so long. His voice was deep, rich, and smooth; just like Jacob's.
"Hi," I breathed. I was aware that I was still staring, but I couldn't help myself.
"You come here often?" He asked a smile playing on the corners of his delectable looking lips.
The only response I could offer was rapid blinking and the shaking of my head.
"I didn't think so," he laughed. "I've never seen you around,"
"I-I've been a f-few times," I fumbled pathetically.
Without even trying this man was causing a strange feeling to build within me. As I looked at him all I could think was jacobjacobjacob.
He was everywhere in him. In his eyes, his smile, his laugh. This man was Jacob…yet he wasn't.
"I'm Ian," He reached his hand across the space between us. "Ian Michael Scott."
I took his hand gently and nearly swooned at the warmth of it.
"Isabella Swan," I replied with a smile.
"No middle name?" He raised a suggestive eyebrow. I knew if I answered that, this conversation would lead to something more; and I wasn't sure I wanted to risk it. He was too much like Jacob.
"That's for me to know and you to find out."
I couldn't believe what had just left my mouth. I was actually flirting with him; a complete stranger.
"Well Isabella no middle name Swan," he pulled my hand to his lips and placed a chaste kiss upon it. "I look forward to finding out."
I blushed furiously as he returned my hand to the table a smile filling his face. I couldn't help the tingling feeling that was building within me. It had been so long since I had felt any sort of want or need.
"That makes two of us," I daringly whispered.
The rest of the night was spent chatting. We sat there as act after act performed neither of us paying too much attention to them, too lost within the company of one another. We talked about music, we talked about art, and we talked about literature. He was everything that Jacob was, though maybe a little bit higher on the intellectual scale. But unlike Jacob he had an advantage, no tribal duties or magical bonds holding him to his home. Ian was free to roam the country, to study and make a name for his self.
Ian was Native American, a member of the Navaho. He too had grown up on a reservation but had left at the young age of sixteen. He left his mother, father, brothers and sisters behind and found a home with his Uncle, a man who had also left the reservation looking for something more. He had lived with his Uncle and finished school, and went on to college and was now studying to become a doctor.
In Ian I saw Jacob and what he could have been.
In Ian I saw Jacob and everything we could have been.
As I sat and talked with Ian, I couldn't help but think of the life that I might have had with Jacob, had he not been tied to the pack and I not bound to Edward. The two of us could very well have been sitting in a coffee shop, preferably not in Alaska, discussing our lives, our hopes for the future; our future. There was an undeniable connection between Ian and I, one that had grown increasingly harder to ignore as the night went on.
It was this connection that found me leaving the coffee shop with him. This connection that found me on the back of his motorcycle, speeding to only God knows where. And this connection that later found me in his bed, naked, warm, and full of an undeniable feeling of pleasure and bliss that I had only dreamed of.
It was this connection that allowed me to lose myself within someone, within Ian for the fist time in my life. Though it was Ian who was making love to me that night, it was Jacob's face that I pictured hovering above me, Jacob's arms wrapped tightly around me, Jacob's eyes that I gazed in to, and Jacob's name that fell from my lips.
I had given myself to Ian.
But I had given my heart to Jacob.
I knew it was time to leave.
"So you lost your virginity to some guy who looked like Jacob?" Leah asked.
I blushed. "Yeah,"
"And that's why you left?" I couldn't tell whether she was disturbed by this notion.
"Yeah, listen I know it's weird and all-"
"Well yeah it's weird…but I understand, in a weird way," She said shrugging her shoulders. "I probably would have done the same if I was in your situation."
"Seriously?" I didn't believe her. No one in their right mind would have done what I had done knowingly and walked away from it thinking it was ok.
"Seriously," She shrugged. "But that's beside the point, how did Edward not prevent all of this?"
"He wanted to…I…I think maybe he suspected that something was bound to happen where I would eventually leave him for good." I said. "It might not have happened that night but he knew it would happen soon enough.
"So he just gave up, after everything?"
"Yeah, I guess he did."
"You guys make no fucking sense."
We sure as hell didn't.
I knew that Edward was there watching me that night. I couldn't see him but I had felt him there with me. Being crowded by him day in and day out had earned me the sixth sense of feeling Edward's presence. I ignored him though and he never ventured forward; he never breached the space between us. Edward had surprisingly let me sit there and converse with Ian for hours on end. I had no doubt in my mind that Edward knew of Ian's every intention, the thoughts going through his head, yet he did not intervene. I knew and he knew how the night would unfold; and we both accepted it.
When I awoke the next morning next to Ian the surprise of it all had not left me. Throughout the night, in the coffee shop, and when we had retired to his bed the shock of the 'acceptance' of this had weighed heavily on my shoulders, but I had cast it aside for another time, that time being the morning after.
I dressed quickly and woke Ian asking him to take me home. He dressed with no questions and we were out the door within minutes. When he dropped me off at the mouth of the Cullen's driveway we both knew that this would be the last time we saw one another; nothing else would come from the night that we had shared.
When he leaned forward to place a farewell kiss upon my lips I welcomed it eagerly attempting to push all of my gratitude and thanks into the one kiss. Ian would never know what he had truly done for me the night before; how he had somewhat 'saved' my life had saved me. It's weird to think that the simple act of sex and giving oneself to another can alter your life in such an unexplainable way. Ian had helped me find myself in a way that some would look down upon though I welcomed it fully. I knew that the battle had yet to be won, but I was forging ahead strongly, making my way towards victory.
I knew by the end of the day that I would no longer be a Cullen.
And the thought only thrilled me; no fear attached.
"What did he say when you got home?" Leah asked.
"Not much, he already knew what was going to happen,"
Edward told me he had seen it coming.
"You can always sense when someone is about to leave you," he had whispered to me from across our bedroom.
I didn't attempt to comfort him or sugar coat anything in any way. Edward and I were over, done; for real. I explained to him that I was returning home and that he was not to follow me or contact me. I wasn't ready to forgive him for what he had done, I wasn't ready to let go of it all. No one stopped me or confronted me as I packed my bag. I didn't even offer a simple goodbye when I walked out that door.
I knew and they knew that it would be forever.
**
A/N: Nothing I say can express the gratitude I hold towards you guys for all of the lovely reviews and words of encouragement. I have no excuse for you as to why this took so long except that I had major' writer's block. All my attempts at getting this out sooner were futile. I still am not happen with how this chapter turned out.
I would like to offer a HUGE thanks to ENCHANTRESS IN BLACK for making me the most beautiful Bella/Jacob fan vid that I have ever seen. I requested for her to make me a video after seeing some of her work and I absolutely love the video. SO CHECK IT OUT. I'll have a link on my profile and of course right here….
http://www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=ANjGM8y28fU
I have already begun on the next chapter and I hope to make up for lost time. Again I am so sorry. Like always I was unable to get everything that I wanted into this chapter, but for now this will have to do.
I hope I was able to answer some questions for you. Next chapter is going to be juicy and you'll love me for it…hopefully.
I have also closed my poll and it looks like I will be writing "Both Need Saving" next. Which makes me extremely happy because it's the one I wanted to write the most. lol. thank you to everyone who voted.
Thank you so much once again for the reviews and for sticking with me. You guys are the best and I don't know where I'd be without you.
Love you lots.
xoxo B