Supa long A/N: I hate complaining, but this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I caught my dad having an affair and I am offing royally pissed. And the woman's a social worker…go figure. I actually had a dream that I was forced to meet her and she tried talking to me and I broke my plate on her head. And then I ran her over. With my Cadillac. Grr. My poor mom. I told her I would put her on match .com lol

So this chapter was hard to write. Obviously. I feel like Jasper right now, taking in all this depression and feeling even worse, which sucks because I'm normally a big happy ball of energy like Alice. Ugh.

Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Twilight. I do, however, have a bad temper. DON'T CHEAT! IT'S WRONG! Unless you want a violent five-foot-five nerdy girl breaking a plate on your head and running you over!

Anyway, I finally found out how to respond to reviews! I haven't even attempted to understand the forums though. I need to click on it and stop being such a chicken.

And YAY for diamond topaz, who was my one hundredth review, and thanks to EVERYONE who reviewed. I am sorry about the last chapter, but hey, I got more reviews on that one than any of my other chapters. Apparently people crave drama like me.

Chapter Twelve: Punk's

Edward's POV

I kept hoping against hope that there was some way to get out of my predicament. Maybe James was too drunk to even remember what happened that night. That didn't seem likely, though. How long would it be before I was notified? Would someone just mail me? The letter may as well have been my death certificate…if there was such a thing.

The worst part of it was that being around Bella was killing me. Being away from her was just as much agony. Every time we did something, a nagging voice in my head kept reminding me that we wouldn't be together much longer. Would it be a week, a month…tomorrow? What if James was just bluffing? It was illegal for him to force me to go back to war. When a soldier was sent back because of injury, he couldn't just be sent back when he got better. He could go back of his own accord, and I had absolutely no intentions of leaving again, especially if this time would cost me my life. How much power did James have anyway? I could fight this if he did try to send me. I could take this to court and get out of it hopefully.

But what if I couldn't? If James had the power, which I was positive that he did (the man got away with murder for Christ sake!), he would get Bella and I would be unable to stop him. If I tried to get out of it, would he do something to hurt her in revenge? He had a sick mind from what I had heard from the men in our unit, and now that sick mind was focused on my beloved Bella.

Ashton Kutcher, you can come out now! Joke's over! I thought, truly hoping this wouldn't be really happening.

Bella…what could I do?

One option had been floating through my head since the party. I dreaded it, I hated it, but it seemed to be the smartest thing I could do now. Hanging my head in my hands and ruffling my fingers in my hair for the umpteenth time that day, I sat on my bed, considering how I would possibly survive this plan.

I would have to leave Bella. I would have to break up with her. I shuddered, fighting the stinging in my eyes that I had not experienced since the war. Breaking Bella's heart would kill me. Just thinking about it made me want to shoot myself. I tried playing the conversation in my head, imagining an outcome that would not end with Bella crying. God, Bella would cry because of me. I always told myself that I would never hurt her, and here I was hurting her to help her. I would have to hurt her to keep her safe.

I figured that if I told Bella that I didn't love her anymore, she would not want to stay here in Forks. I hoped that she would want to move back in with her mother to try to get away from the memories of me. She would be gone and not here for James to seek her out once I was gone. I would die but my life meant little to me as long as Bella was safe.

But every time I thought about what I would say to her, my face would drain of color and my heart would slow down, and I would have trouble breathing. My brain seemed like it was trying to push the thoughts out. How would I ever manage to force the words out, watching as my words broke her heart? I couldn't do it. It was the blackest kind of blasphemy, telling Bella I didn't love her, didn't want her.

Just a few weeks ago I had been thinking about buying a place together, starting our lives, and now it was all gone. Actually, everything would be gone. James' intention was for me to be killed. It was a strange feeling, knowing I was going to die soon. Images from The Ring flooded my thoughts. You will die in seven days. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I wasn't even afraid of the death I would experience; it didn't concern me. All that mattered was her safety. I kept repeating the mantra, hoping it would be the one thing that kept me from going crazy.

Would she fall for someone else? My Bella would not be mine anymore. Her heart, her love, her future…they would not intertwine with mine. She would be free to love someone else. Another man would fill the spot that I wanted so desperately. Images of Bella getting married on a hill, then of her round with someone's child, a blinding smile lightening her beautiful heart shaped face. And I would be in a coffin, never to experience that happiness. My dreams of having a white fence and five kids running around the yard while I held Bella as she cooked spaghetti dissipated. I could only hope that she would have a normal, happy life without me. She deserved that.

I finally cried. I felt no shame in it, either. Shedding tears got me nowhere, but the reason for them was enough for anyone to succumb. I didn't pity myself; I had never deserved Bella. I wanted to blame someone other than myself, though, and Edward Sr. seemed to be a pretty good target right now. After all, he was the reason that I joined the army in the first place.

No, I couldn't think that way. It wasn't his fault; I had signed up…it was my choice--he had just talked me into believing that I was worthless unless I followed in his footsteps. I wished he could see me now, my whole future disappearing.

Would Bella be devastated by my death? A selfish part of me hoped she would, but I knew I shouldn't want that. I was supposed to hope that, by making her think I did not love her, she would move on more easily. If she believed that I didn't care for her, the knowledge of my death would not hurt so much.

I had even thought of proposing to her towards the middle of the summer. But there was no point in asking for her hand when I would just make her a widow. She had one week of school left before she would be let out for summer. I made so many plans for us once school was out of the way, and instead of my summer being filled with fun and joy as I expected, it was full of dread and hopelessness.

I checked my bedside clock. It said 2:15. I sighed, retreating from my room. Bella would get out of class in a few minutes. I decided I'd rather be with her right now than without her. She had to work at the hospital today, but since I would never get to see her again once that letter arrived, I may as well spend as much time with her as I possibly could. But spending time with her was hard because I knew that I would have to hurt her soon.

I could hear Emmett's booming laugh as I walked down the stairs towards the garage. He was flexing his muscles at our mother, trying to convince her that he was not using steroids and calling himself "pure man." I stopped midstride as an idea struck me. It was perfect! Sure, it was a little stupid, but if it worked the pain would be completely worth it. I turned to Emmett quickly before I changed my mind.

"Em, can you come with me outside?" I asked. Emmett, Carlisle, and Esme looked at me questioningly, probably wondering why I wanted to be alone with my brother. I mentally thanked the big man when I saw that Rosalie was absent.

"Um…sure?" he said like he was asking a question. He looked back at Carlisle and Esme for an explanation and they both shrugged at him. Then he followed me out to the garage, waiting for me to talk. I closed the door and made sure that no one could hear us. When I was positive that no one was listening, I held out my newly fixed arm to him, bending my elbow with my palm facing the ground. He looked confused.

Taking a deep breath and making my face extremely serious to show that I was not joking, I said, "Break my arm, Emmett."

He stared at me like I had two heads, not even looking at my arm. "What?"

"You heard me. Break my arm. I'm serious." I waved it a little, hoping he would just do it without asking questions.

"But…Edward, you're arm just healed. Why do you want to break it again?" he asked incredulously. It started to seem as if my plan wasn't going to work.

"Please, just do it, Emmett. Don't ask questions," I said through my teeth.

He gave me one last look of confusion before snapping out of it. "Uh, okay. Where do you want me to break it?" he asked slowly, his humongous hands hesitantly wrapping around my forearm, one on each side of my scar.

"Anywhere. It doesn't matter," I said impatiently but also surprised that he was agreeing to go along with it. He gripped my arm harder and I braced myself for the pain. I had never seen a man break another man's arm with just his hands, but if anyone could do it, Emmett could.

Emmett suddenly gasped and let go of me, turning away.

"I can't do it, man. I just can't hurt you like that," he said. I internally groaned. Maybe I could jump in front of a car or something. I should have known my spontaneous scheme wouldn't work. Emmett sure looked big and scary but he could never intentionally hurt anyone. He was a big teddy bear, and it was wrong of me to ask that of him.

"Why are you trying to hurt yourself?" he said, trying to meet my eyes, looking for a confession. I surely could not tell him what was going on. The only person who might be able to understand was Jasper. I sighed and averted my gaze.

"No reason, Em. I just…I don't know what I was thinking," I said, heading to my car quickly before he could question me more. I sat in the drivers seat of the Volvo, my nerves on fire and my brain about to explode. Before I could close my door, Emmett was there, putting a large hand on my shoulder and leaning over. I looked up at him, mad at myself for causing the look of sadness and confusion on his face.

"Edward, bruh, you know you can tell me anything, right? I mean-" he hesitated, "I may not your relation by blood…but I am still your brother, and I'm here for you."

I was touched by his words. Emmett really could be a softy sometimes. I couldn't believe I asked him to hurt me. I should have known that he wouldn't go through with it. I should have just asked Jasper to take a baseball bat to my leg. I would need to remember that thought for later. I smiled a little to myself; a few weeks ago I was fighting to get that damn cast off and now I was desperately looking for ways to get it back on.

"Yeah, Emmett, I know." A crazy man from the war wants me to go back and get killed so that he can have Bella! Hurt me so I don't have to go!

Yeah, that would go over real well.

I sighed and he left, walking back into the house. I closed my door and took off, excited to see Bella and ignoring the voice of worry in my head. Or, at least, I was trying to avoid it.

I waited a few minutes outside next to Bella's truck. I saw her walking out of the building a few minutes later, talking to a girl named Angela that I knew from high school. Bella looked…sad? A frown was taking root on her face and she didn't really seem to be paying attention to what Angela was saying, but when she looked up and saw me leaning against my car, her face lit up with a smile that made my heart stop. I was elated with the fact that I could make her cheer up with just being here, but I also knew I was probably the reason she looked so down in the first place. I hadn't been ignoring her, per se, but I hadn't been my usual happy self either.

Bella said a quick goodbye to Angela and came running toward me. I smiled back at her, hoping it looked genuine instead of forced, the way it had been for a week now, and hugged her. When I let her go, she looked up at me quizzically. I shrugged at her and kissed her hard, hoping I could show her how much I loved her even though I would be saying goodbye soon. She was confused only for a second before deepening the kiss, probably craving what I had not given her since the party. With her lips on mine and her hands in my hair, tasting her and feeling her perfection, I nearly forgot my situation, wanting this moment to last forever. After a few seconds, however, I was brought back to Earth by people whistling and yelling for us to get a room. Reality hit me hard again as she untangled her fingers from my hair, and I wanted nothing more than to pick her up and move far away, change our names and keep her forever. I could be Bob and she could be Suzie. We could live in the mountains and raise goats for a living, it didn't matter as long as we were together. But, again, she didn't deserve that. As much as I wanted to hide her away from the world, I couldn't give in to my selfish wishes. I looked away and closed my eyes, wishing a meteor would just fall from the sky and cripple me. Anything for me not to go back there….away from here.

When I opened my eyes, Bella was frowning again, looking at me with concerned eyes. Actually, she looked kind of pissed, but not in the cute kitten anger way that I had grown to love. Her face showed hurt and anger and it broke my heart even more.

"I was hoping that I could drive you to work today," I said, attempting my charade of happiness. I didn't fool her, of course. She was so perceptive, one of the many things I loved about her, but it wasn't exactly a good thing right now. She let it go, though, for now, her face going neutral again, and climbed into the passenger's side of my Volvo with no comment on my behavior.

"What about my truck?" she asked, trying to meet my gaze as I sat down. I didn't look back at her, afraid of the expression on my face.

"I'll have Alice drop it off," I said. From the corner of my eye, I saw her still looking at me, but being the coward that I was, I simply stared forward at the road, heading to the hospital.

"Will you come over tonight?" she asked quietly, looking away from me. She sounded so hurt, as if she were fighting tears. I felt horrible having made her feel less than special.

"Yes, I'll go over," I replied, trying to keep my eyes from wandering over to her. I knew that if I saw her crying, I would cave. Of course I would go over to her house tonight! She was like my drug; I couldn't be away from her for more than a few hours. I wouldn't even need to be killed in combat…just being without her would kill me. And I would never see her again! As if I would skip one night of having her company! She would never believe me when I told her it was over. She just had to know the effect she had on me…she had to know how much I loved her. I knew it would take a lot of convincing to make her think I didn't want her. I shuddered, my mind trying to avoid the nasty topic again. It would be so hard and I knew that if she begged me not to leave her, I would not be able to go.

Bella sighed, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Edward, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," I answered immediately. But I was like water-she saw right through me.

"Edward Cullen, I know you better than you know yourself. Do not lie to me and tell me there is nothing wrong because clearly there is. You've been like this since the party," she paused, "What happened there? Was it James? Did he do something to you?" Her voice grew worried. I gritted my teeth.

"No, Bella. Nothing is wrong. Please just drop it, okay? Please?" I looked at her fiercely, trying to ignore the tears pooling in her eyes. She simply glared at me. This was the closest we had ever come to a real fight. Normally I just gave her whatever she wanted, which was never hard because she always wanted what I wanted: just to be together.

"Fine," she huffed, looking away, but I knew this wouldn't be the end of it. Not even close.

***

Bella's POV

This was all my fault. I was the one who made Edward go to that stupid party. He was right, we should not have gone. We were only there for an hour and that was enough to cause disaster. After Jasper and Alice pulled me away from Edward and James, we headed to the car and waited for Edward to come back. The ten minutes we stood there felt like ages because I knew something was wrong with that James, and sure enough, when Edward finally came back, the look on his face showed he was distressed. We went to Jasper's house and hung out for a while, trying to make the best of the night. Edward barely said anything. He just stared at his hands and every few minutes I caught him looking at me with the strangest look in his beautiful face. Something was definitely wrong, and it was because of the party, because of James. Had he done something to Edward?

Edward didn't stay with me the night of the party. I had never felt so alone in all my life. He just needs time, I thought, he'll get over it.

That was seven days ago and nothing has changed.

I had only a week left of school before summer break officially started. Just two weeks ago Edward and I had discussed our future together and now it seemed as if he didn't even want anything to do with me. He only spoke to me when I asked him something and if I said anything that didn't require an answer, he just nodded his head or looked at me blankly. I could not muster up the courage to ask him what was wrong, partly because I was scared of the answer and partly because I didn't want to push him. I figured he would just come to me with it when he was ready, but now it was really getting on my nerves.

I was surprised beyond words when he showed up in the parking lot to pick me up. His smile looked a little forced, but it was more than I had gotten lately. And when he kissed me all my worries evaporated and it was just me and him…Bella and Edward, the way it was supposed to be…not the hell I had been through for the last week. But then it ended…and he did the worse possible thing he could have done in that moment. He looked away from me. It was like I was slowly losing him and I could do nothing to stop it.

"I was hoping that I could drive you to work today," he said, trying to smile again. I fought the urge to sigh. He didn't need to act like nothing was wrong; I just wished he would tell me. I asked if he would come over tonight, to which he agreed, but it still didn't make me happy. His expression took on what I was starting to call the Edward-is-thinking-really-hard face. He stared at the road, not moving except for his hands on the wheel and not saying anything.

And so we were back to that. Well, that was it; I had enough.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked, exasperated. He still didn't look at me.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," he said too quickly. Well, he had another thing coming if he though I was going to give up that easily.

"Edward Cullen, I know you better than you know yourself. Do not lie to me and tell me there is nothing wrong because clearly there is. You've been like this since the party," I paused because his façade momentarily disappeared at the mention of the word party, "What happened there? Was it James? Did he do something to you?" He gritted his teeth and his face became the usual mask of indifference again.

"No, Bella. Nothing is wrong. Please just drop it, okay? Please?" he begged, finally glancing at me. I could feel the burn in my eyes, my tears trying to escape. I tried to hold them back. Edward never spoke to me like that.

"Fine," I said. The rest of the ride to the hospital was silent. I had won the fight with my tears, knowing that Carlisle would grow concerned if he saw me crying. I looked at Edward before I got out, grabbing my change of clothes. He was staring at me intently, looking ashamed. He shut the car off and got out, too.

"I'll go in with you. I need to speak with my father anyway," he said. He followed me inside and took my hand. We got on the elevator together and when we got to my floor he followed me out. Being here with him made me a little giddy; we met here on this very floor. Were his thoughts on the same line as mine? Or was he regretting that we ever met at all? After all, I was nothing special. Edward could have any girl he wanted and maybe that was why he was acting so strange. Maybe he realized that he could do so much better than me.

No, Bella, don't think that way. Don't let your insecurities get you now, I thought. The girls that I worked with stared at me as Edward and I walked hand in hand. The girl named Jessica and her snobby friend, Lauren, sneered at me in jealousy. They were part of the group that had stared through his hospital door window after his surgery over a month ago. Normally I would have gloated and thought he's mine bitches but with the way he was treating me I just worried more that he would end up with someone like them instead of me. His attitude really was starting to tear me, and I didn't know what I would do if we were to break up. Don't think about that.

He dropped me off at the nearest bathroom so that I could change before he headed to his father's office. I turned around at the door and faced him, silently praying that he wouldn't run off while I was at work. He was looking at me, his face unreadable. I hated this stupid expression. I couldn't read one emotion on his face though I was sure his brain was in a tarry just like mine.

What is wrong? Just talk to me! I wanted to scream. I felt the tears start to come up again and I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want him to see me lose control. If he was going to act like nothing was wrong, then so would I. No matter how much I wanted to act like the desperate girlfriend and beg for him not to leave me, I would not do it. We stared at one another, waiting for the other to talk. Getting sick of him looking at me this way, I finally broke the silence.

"Will you really be there tonight?" I whispered. His jaw clenched and unclenched while he decided his words.

"Yes, I'll be there, Bella," he said. When he saw that I didn't believe him, he said, "I promise." I nodded and leaned in for a goodbye kiss. At first I figured he would just pull away but instead his lips met mine quickly and roughly. One hand found the back of my neck and the other gripped the small of my back. It was a kiss full of need, something we were not used to, and I didn't know where this urgency came from. It felt like one of those kisses on a movie when the world is about to end and two people in love have to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. Ever.

He pulled away, his lips swollen and beautiful and his face hardened again. I closed my eyes and hoped it would be gone by the time I opened them. It wasn't.

My hands fell from his chest and gripped his shirt tightly, making fists. I looked into his emotionless eyes, scared of what he would say next.

"I love you, Edward." I said it like a question, daring him to say it back. If he didn't, I didn't know what I would do. I would probably break down here. Screw being tough. He tilted his head, hesitating.

Please say it back, please say it back. I love you so much but you need to love me, too. Please love me back.

He took my chin into his hands and put his forehead to mine so that we were looking directly at each other, nose to nose. His eyes were searching mine for something, for what I didn't know. He sighed, his cool breath hit my face like a fan and despite all my sadness, it still made my head spin and my heart quicken.

"As I love you, Bella," he whispered. If I hadn't been listening so intently, I would not have heard him. And I believed him. "I'll see you later," he said, letting go of me and turning toward the hall that led to the elevator.

"Bye," I said sadly.

****

My truck was in the employees' parking lot when I left work at eight. I drove home in silence, not wanting to hear any sad songs that would remind me of my dilemma. Once home, I showered and brushed my teeth, wished Charlie good night, and laid in my lonely little bed, waiting for Edward to come at eleven.

Did he really mean it every time he told me 'I love you?' What if he never wanted me? How could he? He was a Greek god and I was just plain old simple Bella. I drove my own mind crazy with these thoughts. I hadn't noticed how long I had been laying down until I heard a little tap on my window. I jumped like a shock went through my body and grinned ear to ear in relief when I opened the window for a rain-soaked Edward. He seemed to be slightly better, but I could still tell when he kissed me that he was tense. We lay down in my bed, the silence returning as it had been since the party.

Now I was really getting aggravated. If he wanted to break up with me, why didn't he just do it already instead of torturing me like this? I sighed frustratingly, hoping he would get the hint that I was peeved. He blinked and looked down at our intertwined hands. His mouth opened as if he were about to say something but closed it when he looked back up at me. I shot him a look and let go of his hand, turning over in bed away from him and attempted to fall asleep.

Five minutes passed before he gave in. "Bella," he whispered. It startled me when his breath tickled my ear; I hadn't expected him to be so close. I turned slightly to face him. His expression broke my heart, the sadness in his eyes was so evident, and the set of his lips made him look like he was about to actually cry. Had I hurt his feelings by pulling away from him?

"Edward, I'm sorry," I said immediately, cupping his jaw.

"Bella, can I ask you something?" I nodded and started to hope that I was finally going to get some answers. He swallowed loudly before speaking again.

"Bella, what would you do if I died?"

A/N: This was definitely not where I planned on ending this chapter. But it is my longest chapter so far, so that has to count for something, right? I REALLY hate this chapter. It was so hard to right and I did completely mediocre on it, but like I said way up there, ^ I've been having trouble. Anybody want to share how to get through a parents' divorce? It is a freaking sad, devastating hell hole here. I feel so bad for my boyfriend…he feels like he has to be extra nice to me b/c of my dad, so he brought me a load of roses and balloons (no, they're not white, they're pink lol) and he washed our dishes and cut our grass. He even attempted cooking, which was a horrible idea, but I enjoyed watching him in his apron-clad glory anyway.

****Anyway, enough of my personal problems--I think you should know this. I am entirely unoriginal and this whole 'sending Edward back to war' idea was actually inspired by The Man in the Iron Mask. It's a movie about King Louis of France who met a girl named Christine and wanted to make her his mistress. Well, Christine had a boyfriend named Raoul who had already served the army and they were planning on getting married, so King Louis sent Raoul back to war and when Raoul was killed in combat, Louis got the girl. When Christine realized what had happened, she was disgusted with herself for sleeping with the king and hung herself. It's *supposedly* a true story. Idk, I didn't live back then. You should watch it. Louis is played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Wooh, hot. This twist was NOT what I planned for this story. When I started writing it, I planned on Jacob kissing Bella without her permission and Edward catching them and then thinking Bella's cheating on him then he runs away. But that seemed lame, so…I don't know how long Edward will be gone. He has to go back to boot camp and all that crap. Once again, this could NEVER happen but all's fair in fan fiction, so don't tell me that it's not possible, please. Let's just *pretend* that James forged Edward's re-enlistment thingy or something.****

I'm REALLY sorry about the long A/N but there was some important stuff I needed to say. Most of my chapters are like 7 pages long but this one was 12. Most people on here get like 14 pages per chapter. I admire them because damn I bet that's hard. So, again, I am very disappointed with this chapter. I wrote it five times in three weeks and I still hate it. So if you have any idea how I could have made it better, PLEASE tell me. Or tell me if I'm being insecure and paranoid. Just tell me. I lurve comments…my iPhone makes a cute little noise when I get one. It makes me happy.

;)