2 months from today

Sleep had been eluding Paige for a few days now. That was because she'd been obsessed with coming here, to the Rosewood High natatorium. She stood with her arms behind her back, her eyes looking out over the water, observing the calm and trying to absorb it into her body. Swimming was impossible now, thanks to A. She breathed out and the exhaustion hit her everywhere, only to settle right behind her eyes and throb in her skull.

The door opened on the other side of the room. Paige didn't startle; she knew Emily was going to show up eventually. Her ex was grim and worn-out as she made her way to where Paige stood. She was silent, but Paige could hear everything she wanted to say. "Don't, Em."

"I didn't say anything." She wore barely there boy shorts and a tank top. Clearly, she'd been planning on sleeping tonight. Paige wanted to laugh at the irony.

"I know what you're thinking."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Because I know you." Paige said.

Emily stared down at her shoes and shuffled uncomfortably. "I don't think anybody ever knows anyone else."

"I don't believe that." She took a step toward Emily. "But, I'm sorry if I'm the one who made you feel that way."

"It's not just you."

Paige nodded. "I know. I'm still sorry."

"I'm so tired of hearing you say that." Emily shook her head and came even closer, her eyes boring into those of her ex. "I came here to see how you are. Not to make you feel worse."

"Okay."

"So, are you?"

"Am I what?"

The smile that appeared on Emily's face made Paige's insides twist. "Okay?"

"I'm holding myself together as best as I can."

She took Paige's hand then, lacing their fingers together and squeezing. Paige's entire body went stiff. The warmth of Emily's touch still affected her from her head to her toes. "You're stronger than you think you are, Paige."

"I'm not sure if that's true." Her deep brown pupils shimmered in the almost darkness of the natatorium, the rippling movement of the water creating patterns on her face. She was thinking about all the ways in which she'd failed the girl standing in front of her, how she'd destroyed a relationship and broke such a fragile heart. She thought about Spencer, alone in a Rosewood PD jail cell, suffering for a crime she didn't commit. Finally, she thought about Ali, alive and well, probably basking in their misery. She wanted to puke.

Emily pulled her into a strong hug and Paige melted into it, drowning in the familiar comfort. "We're gonna get through this."

'We.' They hadn't been a 'we' in a long time. It'd been even longer since Emily had referred to them that way. Fear wormed it's into Paige's guts. It was followed closely by a surge of desire. There was nothing she could do to dampen it; not when Emily was this close. She wrapped Emily up a little tighter. "I'm so lost, Em." A sob shook out of her.

"Shhhh. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here."

Paige let go first, not trusting herself to be decent in this situation. Being anywhere near Emily still felt like the best kind of dream. She put her hands on Emily's shoulders and moved back. Emily stared back at her, her half-smile devious. It seemed like she wanted to say something. Paige could barely breathe. She wasn't sure who did it, but they were kissing and it was deep and passionate and Emily's hands seemed to be everywhere at once. Paige grunted and wound her fingers into Emily's hair, opening her mouth when Emily asked for entrance. The whole world faded into silence. There was just herself and the girl in her arms. It was like coming home after being away for too long.

The noise Emily made – a sort of strangled, desperate groan that came from her belly – sent need jolting down the front of Paige's body. Her brain blared the words 'I love you' over and over and over again. And then, inevitably, Spencer's face floated to the surface of her consciousness. She let go of Emily like she'd been struck, her cheeks flushed, her eyes wild, and her mouth red from the pressure of the kiss. "No. No. I can't." She said, absolutely breathless.

"Why not?" Emily murmured, her hands sliding around Paige's waist. "There's no one else here. It's just you and me."

The temptation was hard to resist. She always wanted Emily, even when Spencer was beneath her, panting and begging and saying her name in that impossibly sexy husk of a voice. Spencer. "I can't, Em. I'm in love with Spencer."

Pain threw a shadow over the delicacy of Emily's features.

Paige read her mind again. "I love you. I've always loved you. But, Spencer needs me."

"What if I said I need you?"

Paige pressed a kiss to Emily's forehead. "Trust me, you don't."

Today

"Back when I only cared about winning and being the best, I used to…" Don't back out now, Hastings. Just say it. "I used to take pills."

Nothing moved on Paige's face. "What kind of pills?"

"Speed." Spencer turned her head to stare at the white wall to her right. One of her parent's Monet's hung there, mocking her. "Andrew Campbell told me that it would help me get everything done."

"Are you still on it?"

"No, Paige. No. I swear. I just wanted you to know."

In the next second, she was in Paige's arms. "Spencer, I don't care if you aren't perfect. Neither am I."

"You don't understand."

"Actually, I do." She said, rubbing the pad of her thumb along Spencer's cheek bone. Spencer's eyes drifted closed. Paige went on, "When I was with Emily, I was constantly afraid of not being good enough. On our first date, I pointed out that she had a thing for women who took what they wanted. I tried so hard to be that person, Spence. Strong and put together and brave. I realized too late that no matter how much I loved Emily, all I really wanted was to win. To beat Ali and Maya. And I had. Until you snuck up on me, anyway."

Spencer kissed her, soft and warm and uncharacteristically sweet. "We're both pretty messed up, huh?"

"Absolutely."

The next kiss was harder and deeper.

Her cell phone woke her much later that night. Paige was beside her, sound asleep. Spencer rubbed at her eyes. The digital clock on her bedside table read 2 AM. The text that awaited her was from Emily.

Come outside. I need to talk to you.

Spencer's stomach sank to her feet. With one last glance at Paige, she stood and began her trek downstairs.

To her surprise, Emily didn't seem mad so much as utterly exhausted. "Hey, Em."

"Don't you 'hey, Em' me."

Okay, so maybe there was blind Fields fury there, too. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Everything is wrong. You lied to me, Spencer. You lied to me for years."

A fog still lingered over senses, so Emily's sharp accusation took more than a few moments to sink in. "What did I lie about?"

That only seemed to throw more fuel onto the fire. "You're a real piece of work, you know that? You just can't stand it when someone else has something you want."

"Em…"

"You had a crush on her. Since sixth fucking grade."

Oh. "Who told you about that?"

"Ali." Emily said. "And I'm glad she did. God knows you wouldn't have."

The burning hatred she felt for Ali in that second was all consuming and endless. The longer she stood there, staring into Emily's terribly judgmental gaze, the harder it was to find the bottom of her own bitterness. She couldn't rightfully aim any of it at her best friend, though. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Admit it. Admit that you wanted to take her from me."

"I didn't! I didn't, Emily. Please believe me. Yes, I had a crush on her, but that's not why this happened. This happened because I fell in love with her." She pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes to the pain in her head. When she found the courage to look at Emily again, they were both on the verge of tears. "I'm madly in love with her. And I know you know how that feels. And why I can't ignore it."

"Of course I do." Emily admitted, her voice broken at the very edges.

"She's the best thing that's ever happened to me." Spencer said. "I'm so sorry that it happened, Em. But, that'll never change how I feel."

A surge of weakness dropped Emily's shoulders. "I wish I could hate you."

With that, she walked away, leaving Spencer alone on her own doorstep, shivering in her pajamas, her mind going around in incomprehensible circles. There was sadness and defeat and a swirl of other emotions she couldn't separate from the rest. Beneath all of that was something she didn't want to put a name to, though she knew exactly what it was. It was pride and the racing heartbeat she felt after every victory. Paige's words from earlier pulsed in her brain. All I really wanted was to win. And I had.

Her cell was showing a notification for another text when she returned upstairs. This one made her blood burn a little hotter.

Pretty little homewrecker. How does it feel to know you're playing a losing game? – A

Spencer gritted her teeth and held down the power button until the screen went black. A was the last thing she wanted to deal with right now.

Paige was still asleep, completely unaffected by the war that was being waged. Spencer couldn't help but relax at the sight. She slid into bed beside her lover, her mouth settling over the slope of a shoulder. "Paige." She put a hand over the one that was palm flat on the mattress. Her fingers slipped through Paige's. "Paige, wake up."

Paige began to stir, very slightly. The hand that was beneath Spencer's flexed and her legs shifted under the sheets. Her eyes opened slowly, focusing unsteadily on Spencer's face. "Spence. What time is it?"

"Just after 2 in the morning." She replied, kissing Paige's downturned mouth. "Wake up."

"Why?"

"Because I want you."

Paige returned the kiss this time, though her movements were a little slow and drenched in the remnants of her sleep. Spencer pressed herself close, one hand winding into Paige's hair. Paige rolled onto her back and Spencer settled over her, smiling into the kiss. "That's a little better."

"Shut up, Hastings." Paige muttered, pushing her body upward and pressing her mouth harder into Spencer's.

She wanted more. That was the only thought in her head. With another grin, she rolled her hips, losing herself in the helpless groan that hit her in the back of the throat. She let one hand wander into the space between them. Paige's belly gave a tremor under her touch. The tips of her fingers slid under the waistband of Paige's boxers. She didn't go where Paige wanted her. Not at first. Instead, she looked down into darkening eyes and basked in the thrill of victory. Perhaps she was no better than Ali or Mona. Maybe she never had been. That wasn't any of her concern at this moment, with Paige totally pliant in her hands. "Do you love me?"

A long second passed, where Spencer could swear she heard Paige's heart stop in her chest as the question momentarily shorted out her brain. "Yes." She said at last.

"Say it."

The hesitation was gone. "I love you, Spencer. I love you so much."

Wetness greeted her fingers as they traveled a little farther. She bit her bottom lip in response to the pleasure mounting inside her. "You feel so good."

"Spencer."

"What is it, baby?"

"Fuck me."

"Gladly."