Later that afternoon, Tobi sent Zetsu a text message asking him to step out of the house for the afternoon. Yes, the genie had a cell phone, since apparently most of the drama that happened on his soap operas occurred when characters lost their cell phones or the battery died, and apparently if he couldn't reach Tobi at all hours than the masked teen would be run over by a freight train or something. Never mind the fact that Zetsu could magically poof his way to any location he wanted (provided that he wasn't trapped in a corked bottle or lamp), oh no, that would be the logical argument to make. But Tobi had long since given up on trying to reason with immortal, all-powerful genies that were determined to get into his pants and instead just rolled with it.

The reason that Tobi needed the house to be Zetsu-free that afternoon was due to the fact that he'd invited Deidara to come over, under the pretense of doing homework and studying for an upcoming test in history. In truth, Tobi planned to brainstorm with the teenager about how Kakuzu and Hidan would make such a great couple, and wouldn't that be great if it actually happened and how should they try to make it happen. Ok, so it was a little under-handed and cheating compared to the other schemes that he'd devised on his own (with a tiny amount of Zetsu's input, granted), but desperate times called for desperate measures and all that.

Tobi began laying the groundwork on the way to his house, since the walk would take a bit of time. "Deidara sempai?"

"Yeah Tobi?"

"What's it like, dating someone like Sasori?"

Deidara gave his friend a confused look. "Huh? Why do you ask, un?"

"Well, it just seems like sempai is happier lately, like glowing happy. Tobi wanted to know if Sasori was the cause of that."

Deidara nodded, a small smile crossing his face as he put together an answer for Tobi. "It's amazing. I feel so warm and safe around him, and he takes such good care of me, un. We're best friends, so even if we fight it's important for us to make up and try to work our problems out, un. We love each other. It's the best feeling in the whole wide world, Tobi."

The masked teen nodded as a brief pang of jealousy crossed his heart. He wished he could have a relationship like that; but, there was a time and a place for those thoughts later. Time to start maneuvering the conversation now. "That sounds amazing, sempai!"

"It is, un."

"Kisame and Itachi must feel the same way about each other, huh?"

Deidara nodded after considering the question for a moment. "I suppose so," he stated. "But I think it's a little different for them, since they're different than me and danna, un."

"I wish all of us could be that happy," Tobi said wistfully.

"Yeah, un. Oh, we're almost to your house!"

Tobi cheerfully strolled up the walkway to his front door and unlocked it with his house key. Excellent, now Deidara was thinking about Akatsuki couples! Now he only needed to wait a little while, maybe an hour or two to let the topic settle in Deidara's mind, before he brought up Hidan and Kakuzu. This was perfect, this was-

As soon as Tobi stepped across the threshold of his house, he knew that any additional planning he may have gotten done that day was out of the question.

Far from clearing out of the house like he was supposed to, Zetsu had transformed the interior of Tobi's home into a tropical paradise, complete with saltwater beach and Tiki bar on the side. Zetsu himself was lounging on a chair with a fruity drink in one hand as the other adjusted his sunglasses. "Hello Tobi," he began with a smile. "I got your message earlier-"

"Then why is Zetsu still here?!" Tobi shrieked in a most undignified manner.

Zetsu seemed not to notice Tobi's distress, or he'd just gotten to the point in their friendship (or whatever you'd call it) where he could tune it out with no effort. Tobi had a sneaking suspicion that it was the latter. Instead of looking chastised or embarrassed, the genie tutted softly and set his drink down on a nearly table. "Clearly you felt so guilty about our fight earlier that you were planning on setting up a romantic dinner for us tonight, and didn't want to spoil the surprise if I hung around. I merely beat you to the punch."

"What planet is Zetsu from?!" Tobi demanded, too confused and overwhelmed by the genie's line of reasoning to say much else.

"Tobi, what the hell is this?"

The masked teen started; oh right, they had a guest. Slowly, the teen turned around to see Deidara staring at the beach scene in front of him, completely slack-jawed as his backpack fell to the ground. This was bad.

Tobi immediately wished that Zetsu would go upstairs for a while ("I'll be waiting on your bed, hot stuff,") before giving Deidara his full attention. "Um, sempai, there's something that Tobi should probably tell you…"

-one very long explanation later-

"Let me get this straight, un. Your parents sent you a bottle that had a genie in it."

"That's right."

"And the genie gave you three wishes when you let him out of the bottle, un."

"And you figured a way around the three wish limit, so you've had pretty much free reign of his magic since then."

"Yeah."

"And you used this genie to help your friends hook up?"

"That's exactly right!" Wow, Deidara was taking all this news in rather well. Except… "Sempai, why do you keep pinching your arm?"

"Because this is obviously a dream, Tobi," Deidara replied. "I just need to wake myself up-OW!" The blond winced as he pinched his arm particularly hard. "Ok, maybe it's not a dream, un."

"Trust Tobi on this one, sempai; if Tobi could wake up from the dream of constantly being molested by a genie, that would have happened a long time ago."

"What? Never mind, I don't want to know." Deidara stopped to think for a moment. "Wait, how do I know that you didn't just use magic to make Sasori danna like me, un?! You could have tricked him-"

"No no no, Zetsu refuses to mess with true love!" Tobi exclaimed as he waved his arms wildly in denial. "He says it's way too messy. Tobi and Zetsu just set up the right circumstances for Sasori to finally make a move on you."

"You mean the photo albums thing? That was deliberate, un?"

"Yeah. Tobi figured that a little nostalgia might nudge Sasori in the right direction."

"And that's all you did, right?"

"Er, well…"

Deidara gave his kohai a hard look. "Tobi, good boys tell the truth. What else did you do, un?"

"Well, remember Keiichi?"

-seconds later-

Zetsu's ears perked up as he heard what sounded like several crashes and a cry of agony, followed by two pairs of feet stampeding up the stairs towards Tobi's room. Seconds later the masked teen burst into the room and locked the door behind him, which was probably a good thing since Deidara began pounding on the door with enough force to break it down. "Tobi, I'm going to kill you, un!"

"I take it our little friend found out about his wished-up lover?" Zetsu inquired with a smirk, actually taking the effort to sit up at the foot of Tobi's bed.

"Not now Zetsu!" Tobi hissed as he leaned his full weight against the door. "Sempai, Tobi just wanted Sasori to grow a pair and make a move!"

"You publicly humiliated me, un! I still can't go to the mall, un!"

"This could take a while," Tobi sadly remarked as he pushed himself away from the door and wedged a chair under the doorknob, fairly certain that that would keep Deidara at bay for some time.

"In that case," Zetsu whispered in a husky voice as his arms wrapped around Tobi's waist, "how about you and I spend a little time kissing and making up? Or making out, I should say."

"Now is not the time, Zetsu," Tobi scolded, though he did deign to give the genie a quick peck on the cheek to keep his advances at bay. "We have to wait for sempai to calm down."

"Fine. After all, how long could that take?"

-several hours later-

When Deidara finally got his temper under control and swore several oaths not to murder Tobi, he and the Uchiha were able to sit down in his room and have a civilized discussion about Tobi's usage of Zetsu's powers (though Tobi did get several bops on the head for a few of the errors he'd made during his endeavors). Eventually the topic of Hidan and Kakuzu dating came up, but Deidara seemed to be completely clueless too. "I don't get it, un. Why don't you just wish for a solution that'll make them start dating?"

"Because Tobi resets his wishes," Zetsu reminded the blond. "So even if I laid out the perfect solution for him, as soon as the wishes reset he'd lose the plan and completely forget about its existence, and it would be like Hidan and Kakuzu never dated in the first place."

"Yikes. Well I'm not so good at planning, Tobi; maybe Sasori danna-"

"NO!" Tobi yelled so loudly that he made the other two males jump. "No one else can know about Zetsu! Sempai wasn't even supposed to find out!"

"Well that puts us in an even worse situation," Deidara grumbled. "Ok, what do we know about Hidan and Kakuzu's likes and dislikes, un?"

"Well, Kakuzu loves money and financing, and Hidan's all about Jashin. That's about all I could find out while I was spying."

"Which was a huge overstep of boundaries, Tobi."

"Sorry sempai; Tobi promises to be a good boy and never let Zetsu do that again."

Deidara nodded, still trying to process all of Zetsu's actions but willing to let that one slide. "Ok, well I don't think the miserly stuff will help, but maybe there's some Jashinist tradition we could look into in order to sway Hidan."

"I like this one," Zetsu remarked. "He's smart. Though certainly not as amazing as our Tobi. Oh no, of course not."

"Are you sure you two aren't dating?" Deidara asked with a raised brow. "Because you seem more like a couple than danna and I, un."

Tobi flushed; that had been a sensitive topic that he never really brought up with Zetsu. What were they to each other, anyway? Friends with benefits? Perverted genie and confused master? Or something else entirely. No, best not to focus on that right now. "Zetsu, Tobi wishes for the most thorough books on Jashinism possible, emphasis on romance if possible."

Zetsu snapped his fingers, and instantly the room was filled with books. Tobi grabbed one while Deidara looked on. "Don't tell me we're honestly going to go through all of these, un?" the artist whined.

Zetsu nodded. "When Tobi gets like this, there's nothing else to be done." Tobi himself didn't bother to answer; he was already deeply engrossed in his book. Nothing would stop him in his quest to bring his friends together; nothing.