12

I survived the day and the night following it.

I didn't get any sleep. I do not think I have ever been this exhausted in my life.

McCoy, Jim and Nyota visited me through the day, yesterday. I ignored them all, though they seemed determined not to ignore me. They carried out entire conversations with themselves, making up my side of the conversation in their heads as far as I know, and answering the unspoken side of things.

It was unnerving.

The pain has not left. I thought it would, but it is still with me. It seems like a constant state of heartache, and it feels like a grip has been put around my ribs and is making it difficult to breathe.

McCoy seems to think I should have already been through this, but that I am too stubborn for my own good.

Jim told me about how boring it was trying to captain a ship when everyone else was distracted from their duties by a holiday.

Nyota took one look at me and kept apologising, touching my face and hands to send me her love and comfort. It was thoughtful of her, but a bit much given my own state of mind.

I need to write this down when I am in the right mind to think it. I have been having periods where I am unable to do much of anything, so this will probably be a lot longer than what I have written lately.

I am worried that this pain will be the death of me.

I will not take my own life. I cannot even think what that will do to father, and it would be unfair to the rest of the ship to have one of their crew die in such an unforgiving manner. But it is so strong, that sometimes it feels as though I would fall asleep and not wake up again. This is possibly one of the contributing reasons as to why I cannot sleep.

I understand now why father keeps telling me every time another Vulcan on the colony dies. He was doing his most subtle best to let me know what was happening.

I do not want to end up a statistic.

I need to let father know how I am, for if the worst happens and he finds out through Jim, I think it would kill him.

I only remembered that the will I wrote when I became an officer at Starfleet needs to be changed. Mother is no longer alive to claim her part of it.

Everything should be ready, just in case.

I need to stop writing now.