Chapter 12
The next few days passed and I had distanced myself from Paul a bit having realized that I had feelings for him that I really shouldn't have. I didn't make it like majorly obvious, but I did go to sleep in Ari's bed and let him cuddle with her, because I knew cuddling with him was not good for these feelings. I also didn't lay all over him when we watched movies. I definitely had noticed that I had indeed been a bit too close to Paul while having a 'boyfriend' of sorts. I met with Aaron Friday, and we both apologized for being ass holes to one another, and we hung out at the park for the day.
It was the Monday after that Friday, that Paul had begun distancing himself even more than I had been to him, so I brought it up to him, "What's up with you? You've been acting weird!" I told him.
He looked at me and looked a bit angry that I said, "Coming from YOU!?" he snapped.
I was silent, and he looked away, "I thought it was what you wanted. You distanced yourself from me, and I thought I was helping you out," he said angrily.
"I didn't want you to do that, I just..." I trailed over before groaning burying my face in my hands.
"What?" he asked keeping his voice eerily calm.
"I didn't think it was appropriate for me to lay all over you all the time or sleep in the same bed cuddling like we do when I have a boyfriend," I said.
Paul froze and I waited for his reaction knowing it could go one of two ways, "So he's your boyfriend now," Paul said evenly.
Actually no, he asked and I said no. "Not officially, but practically," I said weakly.
"So he convinced you that you are all over me right? That I'm trying to have a relationship of some sort, you started listening…" he trailed off sounding more hurt by the second.
"NO! I just…it wasn't worth fighting about, he had no idea that I laid all over you or that we slept in the same bed, I didn't tell him that, I did that because I couldn't defend myself and you honestly if we were doing that…." I trailed off.
"So you felt like you were cheating on him," Paul stated.
"Yes, a little," I replied not mentioning the fact that my feelings for him was the main reason I felt like I was cheating on him.
"Why? We are just friends," he asked.
I shrugged acting like I didn't know, "I just do," I whispered.
He was silent, "If you want to distance yourself fine, but don't get mad when I do the same thing. I let my guard down around you, and I have respected you more than any girl I have ever met, the fact that you feel like you are cheating on a guy just by being around me, isn't on me, it's on you, but I'm not going to keep walking on egg shells around you. We can either be friends like we were before, or be acquaintances. I don't go somewhere in the middle," he stated standing up.
I wanted to cry, as I felt my heart tug as if an invisible magnet was connected to Paul. "Paul," I pleaded weakly.
He turned around and said evenly, "If Aaron makes you happy like you claim he does, this should be an easy choice, you wouldn't need me to mess around with as well. I'm not leaving Ari's life, so this isn't about her this is about you. What do you want?" he asked me.
I knew what I wanted, but what I wanted and what I could have were two different things, "You're my best friend Paul, why would you want me to choose between my best friend and boyfriend!" I asked weakly.
"I love you Jazz, that's not going to change, but I'm not going to change who I am so that your boyfriend is happy," he stated before walking out of the room.
"PAUL!" I screamed after him angrily, I heard a door slam in response.
I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, before standing up and walking out of the house needing to go for a drive. I got in my car and began to drive. I drove for what felt like hours before I ended up at Emily and Sam's.
I groaned, knowing why god put me there. I got out and walked up to their doorstep and knocked on the door to see Emily there in her PJs, which included what I'm assuming, was Sam's shirt.
"Jazzy? You okay?" she asked seeing my tear stricken face.
"Can we go somewhere and talk, where we can't be overheard?" I pleaded.
She nodded and brought me inside handing me a box of tissues before going to change into some shorts and a smaller t-shirt before bringing me outside and hopping in the car with me, so that I could drive to the 24 hour diner in Forks.
When we got there, I was still a mess. "Jazzy, babe, talk to me," she said gently wiping at my cheeks.
That was when I spilled everything, about Aaron and I fighting about Paul, about Paul and I fighting about Aaron, and about…even my feelings toward Paul. She was the perfect friend the entire time she listened, nodded, and held my hand. "I just don't know what to do!" I sobbed wiping at my eyes.
"Okay, first, I'm going to tell you to stop crying, and take deep breaths," she said taking my hands as I attempted to do what she said after I calmed down about five minutes later she smiled at me and spoke again, "Tell me something, did your sister love Paul?" she asked.
"Yes, or she thought she did, I know she didn't know him like I know him, but she thought she did, and she's my sister…" I trailed off.
"Do you love Aaron now, not did you used to love Aaron, but do you love Aaron right now?" she asked.
I was silent for a moment thinking about it, "I think I'll always love Aaron, have I fallen in love with him like I did the first time we dated, no, but it's because I already loved him," I told her.
She stared at me for a moment as if waiting for me to catch something that I said, "Jazzy, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I think before you can worry about Paul, you need to worry about your feelings for Aaron. I know you said Paul and Ari don't like him, so you'll never marry him if Ari doesn't like him. I also know you said you weren't willing to lose Paul over him, to me it seems like your Aaron situation is already figured out, you just don't want to deal with it," she told me.
I was silent knowing she was right. "But if I'm not dating Aaron there is nothing to keep me in check with Paul," I finally whispered the truth out loud.
"And the truth comes out," she teased me and I frowned at her which caused her to laugh.
"You sound just like me," she told me.
I sighed shaking my head, "That's why I came to you, I know you loved Leah…" I trailed off.
"There is stuff you are yet to know about our boys, Jazzy, which Paul will get around to telling you, but he's just not there yet. All I can say is that Paul loves you Jazzy. He loves you more than anyone in the world besides Ari. That is HUGE for him, and it's not just because you are Ari's mother like he claims, that's his cover. He came to me that first night at my house and told me, 'Emily, she's amazing, I've never met a girl like her, this is the type of girl that I would marry, and I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter's mother figure, it's just how amazing of a person she is,'" she told me.
I stared at her surprised, "Really?" I whispered.
She nodded, "He knows you aren't interested in that type of relationship with him, so he hasn't tried anything, nor do I think he would even if you were. Paul is the type of person who fears hurting others more than hurting himself. I know that sounds insane, because of his heartbreaking ways, but its true. Paul sees it as getting some form of love because he will never deserve love, and then sends the girls away fearing he will hurt them more if he allows them to stick around. Paul's mind is a very warped place, and that argument you had tonight, do you want to hear what was going through his mind?" she whispered to me.
"I don't know Emily….should I?" I replied nervously.
She nodded at me and I sighed nodding back before she began, "I have walked on eggshells for her, I have done everything I possibly could to make her like it here, and make her want to stay. All I want is for her to stay and be happy, but most of all be happy. I thought she liked me around, and I crazily thought that I might be part of the reason she was happy, she told me she loved me, I didn't really believe it, but she said it. So I loved her the only way I know how. I cuddled her and hugged her and kissed her cheek, I'm not good with words I don't know how to use them properly, so I showed her how much I love her without words. I've never let a girl cuddle with me for more than one night and even then it wasn't like that…definitely not like her. If she doesn't want to accept my love, if she thinks its not as good as his…then that's fine. I just want her to be happy, but all I wanted was for her to stay with me and be happy," Emily spoke Paul's inner monologue which brought tears to my eyes.
"Em…" I started.
"I'm not done, to finish it off when you said you felt like you were cheating on Aaron with him….he saw it as you seeing it as you didn't think he respected you, nor did you see how much he treated you differently nor how much he cared about you that he would never do such a thing to you," she finished which of course was the finishing touch and I had to burst into tears.
"I've been so horrible to him," I sobbed.
"No…no…you are going through stuff yourself. Paul is going to be there for you whenever you're ready. He isn't going anywhere. My question for you is, why besides your sister will you not date him?" she asked.
"I'm scared I'd just be another girl, but I don't really believe that, it's mostly my sister. I'd feel like I was betraying my sister," I told her.
"And there is nothing I'm going to say that is going to convince you otherwise," she whispered.
I shook my head no, "Honestly, all I want right now is to go climb in Paul's bed with him and Ari and cuddle into his chest, Emily, that's all I want, but I can't have that, I can't let myself, because I feel like I'm betraying my sister, it has nothing to do with fucking Aaron," I sobbed.
"Are you going to dump Aaron?" she asked.
"I don't know," I cried some more.
"You know what you need to do?" she told me gently.
"What?" I asked her.
"You need to go back to Texas for a little while, just you, have some time to yourself, to think talk to your friends," she told me stroking my hair.
"I can't leave Ari," I started.
"Not for forever, like a week tops, Paul will happily watch her with Seth's help, you need to do this for you!" she told me seriously.
"Are you sure?" I asked her.
"If you don't take the time without anybody whispering in your ear what you need to do, then you will never make a decision," she told me.
I sniffled nodding, before Emily and I booked a flight to Houston on my phone for the next day before I could change my mind, it was for a week like she suggested before I dropped Emily off at about 3 AM and drove back to Paul's house. I slept in Ari's bed like I had for the past few weeks, or rather laid in bed with my eyes closed and didn't sleep because I was freezing cold and needed Paul's warmth. I'm pathetic I know. I ended up getting up extremely early and packing a light luggage as most of my clothes were still at Nathan and my house. When I exited my room with my luggage Paul froze from his place in the kitchen. "Where are you going?" he asked quickly.
"I'm going home for a week, I decided I needed some time to think and some time alone to make some important decisions, I'll be back next Sunday, I'll text you when you need to pick me up…" I told him simply.
Ari was still eating so heavily she still hadn't noticed me or my luggage, Paul immediately started to walk over to me quickly, "Look if this is about last night, we can talk it out, I'll do whatever you need me to…" he started getting panicked.
I just shook my head no, "Paul, no, last night was just the tipping point. I've needed to take some time off for a while now to sort some things out. I'll be back in a week, and hopefully I'll be making much better decisions," I told him honestly.
"I don't want you to leave," he said honestly and I could tell even though I kept repeating that I'd be back in a week, he didn't really believe me.
"I'm leaving my daughter with you, Paul, I'm coming back," I promised stepping around him and walking over to Ari.
"Hey Ari baby, I'm going on a little trip for a week, and you're going to stay with daddy. I'm going to miss you like mad, hon," I told her hugging her tightly about to start crying and regretting letting Emily talk me into this.
"I miss you too," she said unconcerned not really understanding.
I kissed her cheek my eyes watering, "Behave for daddy okay!" I begged.
"Okay!" she said smiling at me.
I quickly stood up and raced over to Paul before I chickened out, and pulled him into a tight hug, and he hugged me tightly back. "Take care of her please, I'll call you every night, and probably text you like crazy during the day," I whispered to him.
"I will," he said his voice sad.
"This is for me, okay, I'll be back, I promise you, if ANYTHING happens, please call me, I can be home very quickly, it's only a four hour flight!" I told him seriously.
"I promise," he agreed.
That was all I really needed to tell him, but I was still clinging to him not wanting to let go, and I could feel the tears starting to fall from my eyes, "I'm going to miss you," I sniffled.
"I'm going to miss you too," he said seriously his voice taut with emotion.
"I need to do this," I repeated more for myself than him.
"I love you," he told me his voice dripping in emotion, which only made me cry more.
"I love you too, Paul, I really do," I told him as I let go of him and started wiping at my eyes before I grabbed my luggage and ran to Emily's truck as I told her that I wanted her to bring me because if Paul did I wouldn't leave.
I cried the entire way to the airport and only pulled myself together once I called Nathan telling him I was coming home for a week to gather my stuff and myself. The flight was four and a half hours, and when I got there Nathan greeted me in the biggest hug in which I immediately burst into tears being the mess I am. The entire ride back home I told him everything leaving nothing out, and his solution was simple go for Paul and leave Aaron in the dust.
I told him he didn't know what it was like to have a sister in which he told me that my sister would kick my ass if she knew that was what was keeping me from him. I told him that my sister could kick my ass and I would still be in this dilemma…and I really wish she were here so she COULD kick my ass.
Nathan was the perfect BFF and stayed up practically the whole night talking with me. The next day he called in Vic and Kaylie to help him, but by that point in time I was in a slump. I didn't need anyone else telling me to go for Paul, I knew that is what I wanted to do, the problem was my sister… I know they all told me she would be fine with it, but the issue was that I wasn't fine with it. I wasn't fine being in love with the guy that ultimately had ruined my sister.
All the three of them mostly cared about was making sure I dumped Aaron, who I might have forgotten to tell I had left as he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow and I had to break the news that I was in Texas which he was kind of pissed about. I let him be pissed though I'd be breaking up with him when I got home. The next few days passed and I pretty much came to the conclusion I needed to break up with Aaron, but I wasn't ready to be with Paul. I had decided that we were going to have to stick with friendship for at least now. I wasn't ready and it wasn't fair to him to lead him along when I wasn't ready.
The week ended and I got on the plane MORE than ready to see Ari and Paul the minute I landed, but when I landed I was greeted with a grave looking Emily instead.
"Where's Paul?" I asked immediately panicked.