Finn POV
The house was quiet and empty when I got home, which meant Mom was already at work. Usually she doesn't work Sundays, but she had asked for yesterday off so she could go on her date with Mr. Hummel, so it would just be me today.
The house was really cold, since she doesn't run the heat when no one is there. She says it costs too much money, which worries me a lot. I know things are really tight, since Dad's benefits only went so far, but whenever I ask, she tells me that we're just fine and not to worry. Of course I worry, she's my mom. I turned it on, but low and decided to go upstairs and take a nap.
I was still feeling bad about what had happened between Kurt and I, so I pulled the quilt off of my bed and took it downstairs. My Dad had this old recliner that he had insisted that Mom drag from base to base, no matter how inconvenient. I went there now, flopping down and pressing my face into the worn leather.
It was sort of pathetic, but this was the only way I had of being close to him. I could imagine him curled up just like this, his face exactly where mine was. More than any other time, I wished that he would come home, just once, so he could tell me how to fix the mess I had gotten into. Unless he came home as a zombie or an evil ghost, like in that story with the monkey foot, that would totally suck.
The house is kind of old, so it was taking forever to warm up. I wrapped the quilt around myself, snuggling up and trying to think. What would my Dad have said about Kurt? I want to think he would have been ok with it, but I don't know for sure. Actually, I don't really know what my Mom would say if I told her. Like I said before, we've never really talked about sex and stuff like that. I can't imagine her not loving me though. We have to stick together; all we have is each other.
Why do you even care? It's not like there's going to be anything to tell her. You told Kurt off, remember?
No, I hadn't. I had just told Kurt that right now wasn't the best time for us to pursue something. He had even agreed with me, which had taken a load off of my mind. Then he had sort of freaked out on me, which was confusing.
Really? You're really confused about what his problem was? Finn, you're a sweet guy, but you are so damn stupid sometimes. Take a nap, and when you get up, maybe the wizard will have brought you a brain.
Quinn-voice was still being a bitch, but, for once, she had a good suggestion. I hadn't actually gotten any sleep last night. I had stayed with Kurt for as long as I possibly could, because I knew that it might be the last time I ever got the chance. Even though my arm started complaining, then shrieking with pain, I held out. I only got up when I actually started crying, because I was afraid that my chest jerking would wake him up.
Once I had taken the pills, I laid down on the couch, hoping that they would take effect soon. Kurt breathed softly from the other side of the room, and I counted his breaths, just so I would have something to focus on other then myself. It helped to block the pain until the pill could work their magic.
Now, I would never ever abuse drugs, because my Mom would be so disappointed in me, but Vicodon is fantastic! Not only does it make the pain go away, but it has a way of making everything seem alright, at least for a little while. So I had screwed up and basically molested Kurt to make myself feel better. Who cared? I certainly didn't, at least while I was stoned. I could see why people got addicted to this stuff.
My high had pretty much faded by the time I heard Kurt waking up. Call me a coward, but I pulled my arm over my face and pretended that I was asleep. He got up and stood close to me for a long time, just looking at me. I knew he was doing it, because Kurt has total laser eyes, just like in the comic books. You know, they ones you can feel cutting right into your brain? Yeah, he's like that. I just kept on pretending to sleep, though, and he eventually went away. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him; it was just that I was too ashamed to look at him right now.
Once I was sure that he was gone, and not just hiding somewhere to try and catch me, I cautiously sat up. No Kurt on the stairs, no Kurt in the corners, no Kurt anywhere I could see. I almost checked the bed to see if he was hiding underneath it, but I kind of thought that might be a silly. Kurt would never get under a bed and risk wrinkling his clothes.
Unless he was naked, stupid. Did you hear him getting dressed? Because I sure didn't.
I think that that thought was a supposed to be scary, but all it ended up doing was giving me a major hard on. What can I say? I was sixteen and Kurt looked really, really good without his clothes on.
I gave Little Finn a strong reminder to behave himself and started upstairs. Kurt and I needed to have a talk, where I apologized and explained that I hadn't meant to do what I had done, but I didn't want to do it downstairs. If there was any way that I could actually see the couch we had done it on, chances were good that I would just say 'screw it' and push him down for round two.
Kurt wasn't in the kitchen when I came through the open door, but the room wasn't empty. As much as I didn't want to have this talk with Kurt, I liked the thought of having to talk to Burt Hummel even less. Quinn's parents always gave me the evil eye whenever we were together, like they could see into my brain and knew that I wanted to get into her pants. I didn't even want to think about what Mr. Hummel would do if he found out I had defiled (thank you Quinn, for that word) his only son.
Turning tail and hiding in the basement until Kurt came back from wherever he was seemed like a pretty good idea right now. Unfortunately, Mr. Hummel picked that moment to look up from his paper. "Finn, is that you?"
I might be terrified of the man right now, but Mom had raised me to be polite. "Yes, sir." My voice was all but shaking with nerves.
He pointed to the table across from him. "You don't have to hide downstairs, I don't bite. Kurt just went upstairs to take a shower, where he'll be for the next hour at least, primping and moisturizing and….well, I don't know what else. Come on and sit, I'll make you boys some breakfast once he's done."
"Ok." My stomach was way too tied up to try and eat.
"How's the arm?" I looked down at it, suddenly realizing that I had forgotten to change the bandage on it last night or put it up in its sling. "It still hurting you?"
"It's better. Um, I was supposed to fix the bandage on it last night and I forgot, so I better go downstairs and do it now."
He laughed at that, but it didn't sound mean. "Finn, how are you planning on rebandaging that one handed?"
Good question. "I guess I don't know. My Mom's been helping me."
As soon as I brought Mom up, he got a stupid smile on his face. "Your mother is a wonderful woman."
Ew, God! Was it possible that he and Mom had- Oh, God, I wasn't even going to finish that thought. If I did, I would probably be traumatized for life. Ew, Ew, Ew, Ew!
Why do you find that thought so shocking? She's still pretty, and Burt likes her a lot. There hasn't been a man around the house since that asshole Seth, so you know it's been a while. Just think, they could have been doing it at the exact same time their sons were.
That was wrong on too many levels to count. Though, to be fair, I really can't count that high. Numbers have always been confusing for me, especially when you get into the hundreds. I always mix them up, which makes me kinda suck at math. Still, I could feel bile building up in my throat.
Burt's eyes widened. "Finn, you just went white. Sit down and let me get you something to drink."
I was kind of hoping that he would offer me a beer, but no such luck. He just put a Sprite down in front of me. I hated Sprite, it always reminded me of puking, but I wasn't going to do anything that might get me on his bad side, so I drank it, and I did feel a little less dizzy.
Burt had seemed a little suspicious of me at first, so I did my best to look innocent. It was kind of hard, because Quinn always said that every though I had flashed across my face as soon as it formed. Actually, what she said was that every thought that made it's way out of my pea brain showed up on my face, which was why I was never, never going to be allowed to speak to her parents, but that was pretty mean of her, so I just picked up on the nice parts.
After a few minutes of probing questions, during which I was wise enough not to reveal anything that may or may not have happened in the basement last night, he seemed to give up and started talking about sports.
Now this I could get used to! I never have anyone to talk sports with, except Puck, and obviously he's out right now. My Mom tries but she just doesn't get it, not like a guy would. We talked about the chances of McKinley's various teams making the playoffs. None of their chances were any good, but it made for a good debate.
"So, how's that boy of mine doing? He looks so little out there compared to the rest of you."
At least that was something I could answer honestly. "Kurt's doing great! He's a really, really good kicker, and we make sure he doesn't get flattened."
When Mr. Hummel heard that, his eyes just lit up. You could tell how much he loved Kurt, and it actually made me kind of jealous. Would my Dad have gotten that look when he thought about me?
He made a hand gesture at my arm. "Why don't you go get the bandages for your arm and I'll help you get it fixed up?"
"Really?" I wasn't used to people, especially dudes, offering to help me out like this. "Yeah, that would be great."
I was pretty pleased with myself as I went downstairs to get what I needed. See, this was going pretty damn good. Whatever happened between Kurt and I, I didn't want to screw everything up for my Mom. She had been right, she deserved to be happy. Burt Hummel and I were male bonding, which was never a bad thing, right?
Mr. Hummel whistled when he saw my arm. "Ouch."
"Yeah, I know. I'm out for the season, and maybe forever. I have to start physical therapy in a week, and we'll see how it goes from there."
"Just work hard when you get there, no matter how much it hurts." He started wrapping it up, making it about a thousand times neater than I could have made it on my own. "You know, I played football until I hurt my knee."
"Awesome, were you the quarterback?" I knew I sounded like an overexcited little kid, but I couldn't help myself. It was really cool to have a guy's attention all to myself. This was almost as good as having Mr. Shue's attention. Sometimes I even faked trouble with songs or dance steps just so he would pay attention to me.
"No, I was the running back. Blew out my knee in the bottom of a pileup and that was the end of that. I was never that good, but it did get me a scholarship."
That was what I was hoping for, since, let's face it, my grades aren't all that good. Mr. Hummel had been so nice to me so far that I felt like I could confess something to him. "I'm afraid that I screwed up my arm really bad, and I'm not going to be able to play again. Then I'll be screwed when it comes to college."
He chuckled, gently twisting my arm so he could secure the bandage in place. "Yeah, well, a busted arm is a hell of a lot different then a blown knee. You'll be back out there next season, better then ever. Now turn that a little bit, so I can see better. No, the other way. Perfect."
I was about to thank him when Kurt appeared out of nowhere. "What's going on in here?"
To anyone else, he would have sounded just like always, but I know Kurt Hummel. He was pissed off, big time. Mr. Hummel greeted him cheerfully, not seeming to notice the shit storm that was brewing up. I made myself as small as possible, the same way I used to when Seth was still around. "Hey, Kurt."
He barely even looked at me, and I found myself looking over to Mr. Hummel for support. He seemed confused by his son's behavior. "We were waiting on breakfast until you finished up there, but it's almost lunch now. What should I make you boys?"
When Kurt looked over at me, I could see the fury lurking in the back of his eyes. What the hell had I done wrong this time? Well, other then screw around with him last night then ditch him. I think they were waiting for me to say something, but I was so tense that nothing was going to get past my locked up throat. "Whatever Kurt wants. I'm not fussy."
"Finn and I can make ourselves some sandwiches, Dad, there's no need for you to cook." The icy blue eyes were locked on mine, and I suddenly wondered how Karofsky got the courage to pick on Kurt.
I'm pretty sure that Burt still had no idea what exactly had gone wrong between us, but he knew when to cut and run. He stood up and gave me a quick thump on the shoulder, which made me feel good. "Ok, then. I'm going to go to the garage for a while, look over the books. Come on back for the game this weekend, Finn, alright? Kurt, I'll see you for dinner."
Kurt's fingers tightened so much on the table that they turned completely white.
As soon as Mr. Hummel was gone, he lunged to his feet and threw the fridge open so hard that a bottle of something fell out and rolled across the floor. He didn't seem to notice though, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to tell him. "What sort of meat do you want?"
This was one of those times when no matter what I tried to say, it was going to be the wrong thing. I recognized the look on his face, considering that it was the same look that Quinn used to give me at least twice a week. "Uh, anything, I guess. Whatever you're having." I tried to keep my voice as steady as possible. There had to be some way for me to fix this.
If anything, I seemed to have pissed him off even worse. "Fine. You're having lean turkey breast on whole wheat. No mayo, it's full of empty calories and cholesterol."
Only Kurt could worry about calories when he was so furious he could barely see straight. Since letting him have his way hadn't worked, I decided to try kissing a little ass. "Um, ok. That sounds good!"
I wanted to ask if he needed help with anything, but I liked having my balls attached to my body, thank you very much. He made the food quickly and smacked it down in front of me so hard that I'm surprised the plate didn't shatter.
My stomach was rolling, but I was afraid to not eat. Plus, taking tiny, measured bites gave me something to do besides stare at Kurt and make him even madder. He seemed to calm down after we ate. "You slept on the couch last night."
Oh, so this was what it was all about. Maybe if I explained myself well enough, made him see that none of this was his fault and I was sorry for what I had done, he would stop being so mad. "Oh, yeah, about that. I actually did stay with you for a while, but my arm started hurting really bad, and I got really restless. I didn't want to bother you, so I took some pills and laid down on the couch. I guess I fell asleep there." There, that was the truth and I hadn't made it sound like anyone's fault.
He gave me a cautious smile. "You could have woken me up, you know. I would have sat up with you until you felt better."
I had to laugh at the sweet way he worried about me. God, he was cute. No, no he wasn't! I had to stop thinking things like that about him, it was only going to make it harder on both of us. "Kurt, I all but carried you to bed last night because you were passed out. I couldn't have woken you up if I tried."
His cheeks turned red, which was a really flattering color on him. "Oh, sorry."
"It's alright. After all, we all know what a stud I am." Now that his mood seemed to be improving, I wanted to make him laugh. He grinned at me, and my throat loosened enough so that I could finish my food.
I wanted to just let things go right there, but that wasn't fair to either of us. We needed to clear the air, otherwise we were going to go right back to him checking me out when he thought I wasn't looking, and me trying to find creative ways of ignoring it. I took a deep breath and started. "Listen, Kurt, about last night…."
He cut me off. "It was a mistake, I get it."
Oh, thank God. He understood how badly I had screwed up, and didn't seem angry about it at all. Maybe we could get out of this intact after all. "You think so?"
"Yes." He sounded so miserable that I had to look at him again. Maybe we weren't quite understanding each other. "You were taking pills, and we're only sixteen, and things happen. It doesn't have to be a big deal. We can just pretend it never happened."
I wasn't sure if I wanted that. I mean, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done it, but there had been something there when I touched Kurt, something that went beyond just fooling around. I gave it one last try. "It's not you, ok? I think you're really great. It's just…it's me, alright?"
"I said its fine." He sounded perfectly happy now, so I guess we got it all sorted out. Thank God, because I hated having people mad at me, especially people I cared about.
My mind was already moving on to other topics. "Cool. So, what's the plan for today? Unless, you know, you have plans or something. I can have my mom come get me if you do." Hopefully, I could. Now that I thought about it, she might be working today.
"Actually, I'm supposed to meet Mercedes at 1. I can give you a ride though."
Kurt is good at a lot of things, but he's not a very good liar. He hadn't had plans with Mercedes until about 10 seconds ago. But it was cool. If he needed a little space, I got that. Time to pack up and move out. "Sure, let me get my stuff together. Hey, do you think your dad would want to watch the game tonight, or he'll be too busy at the garage?" It would be a lot of fun to watch the game with someone who actually wanted to be there, as opposed to Mom, who just got roped into it. "That would be pretty cool. My mom's too much of a chick to watch with me.
That was about when the shit hit the fan, big time. Kurt absolutely lost it. "No, he doesn't want to watch the game with you! If he's going to watch the game, he's going to watch the game with me!" He had gone from calm to screaming in just a few seconds.
I wasn't quite sure why that was the wrong thing to say, but I backpedaled in a hurry. "Chill, dude, it's not that big of a deal. I didn't even think you liked sports games."
It didn't work. Angry Kurt was much, much, worse than angry Quinn. Shit, he was almost as bad as angry Seth. "Yes it is! He's my dad, and just because you don't have one of your own, doesn't mean you can have him!"
Oh, so that was the issue. Kurt was worried that his Dad liked me better then he liked him. I could have told him how stupid that was, that if he could see the way his father looked when he talked about him, he would never think he was unloved again, but I didn't. There are times when you just don't want to hear the truth. So I held my hands up in surrender, just like Kurt was holding a paintball gun on me. "Alright! Kurt, you need to calm down. Ok? I don't want to take your dad. I have a dad, even though he's dead."
I took a couple of steps towards him, just to let him know I wasn't going to be pushed around. I had let Quinn do it, and I had let Puck do it, and now they had each other and a baby and I had nothing.
You have Kurt. At least you did before you fucked everything up.
I chose to ignore that comment. Kurt had frozen, his anger disappearing as fast as it came, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that it was gone forever. No, it was still there, like one of those volcano gods that was ready to spit fire at a moment's notice. I walked up to him, but didn't touch him, even though every thought I had was telling me to gently lift his chin up and talk about this until we were exhausted. "Is this about your dad, or about what happened last night?"
He actually thought about it for a few seconds, which I respected. Then he said the one thing that made me sure that we would be ok. "I'm just tired, Finn, and so are you. This…this just isn't the right time."
See, he got it. It wasn't that I regretted what had happened, or that I was disgusted by him. At any other time in my life, I would have been perfectly happy to at least explore what was happening between us. But right now, any sort of new relationship was just too much. "Right! It's not the right time right now, but that doesn't mean that it will never be. See, we're on the same page after all!"
When Kurt smiled at me, I thought we had it all worked out. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
I didn't want him to think I was mad, so I smiled back. "I'm sorry I made you mad. Really, Kurt, I'm not trying to take your dad away, I promise." I wouldn't have minded watching the game with him, but not if it was going to make Kurt unhappy.
"I know that." His hand lightly ran down my back, which wasn't doing much for keeping my libido quiet. "I don't know why I got so pissed off with you. So, how about we pretend that nothing after Mercedes and Tina left last night ever happened? Ok? Just friends?"
It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I would rather have a friendship then nothing at all. "Yeah, of course. Friends, right?" Suddenly, I wanted to get out of here before anything else went wrong. "Cool. I'll get my stuff, and get out of your hair."
I stuffed my clothes back into my duffel, refusing to look at the white couch that had been the start of all of my problems. It took seconds to get everything ready and I went upstairs without looking back.
Kurt was spinning the keys in his fingers when I got back. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah." We were both quiet on the ride to my house. He looked tired, his eyes circled and his face pale, and I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and ending up with him screaming at me the entire way to my house. I found cars a little claustrophobic (at least that's the word my doctor used) anyway sometimes, and the thought of being stuck in one while someone yelled was even worse.
Once we were at the house, though, I couldn't help but try and apologize one more time. "I'm sorry, Kurt. I really, really didn't want it to be this way." I had wanted his first time to be perfect, with someone who wasn't too fucked up to care about him totally.
He gave me a fake smile. I could tell it was fake, because he didn't get those little wrinkles around his eyes like he did when he really smiled. "I know. Do you want a ride to school tomorrow?"
Maybe things could be alright between us after all. "That would be great." I wanted to say more, to explain everything and make it alright, but I couldn't find the words. Maybe Quinn was right. Maybe I really was that stupid. "I'll see you tomorrow, then."
"Alright, Cowboy, I'll see you."
This was the second or third time he had called me that, but why? Don't get me wrong, I liked it, it was just that-
"Finn." Someone touched my face, and I startled back. Mom was standing there, looking worried. "Finn, it's four in the afternoon and you're curled up asleep. Are you feeling alright?"
I looked around, confused about where I was and what was happening. Mom put her hand on my forehead. "You're not running a fever. Baby what's wrong? Did something happen over at Kurt's?"
"Ummm…" I wanted to tell her so badly, but I had no idea where to start. "I…"
She sat on the arm of the chair and wrapped her arms around me, just like had had done when I was a little kid. I laid my head down on her shoulder and sighed, feeling one hand brush my hair back. "Tell your mother."
As soon as she said that, I started to cry. Not just a little manly sniffle either, flat out sobs that made my chest ache and my nose run. I blabbed everything to her. Quinn, Puck, Drizzle, Kurt, it all came out in a broken rush. I don't even think she could understand half of what I was saying, between my crying and the fact that I couldn't seem to put any of the events in order. Was I upset because Puck had fooled around with Kurt and I had gotten Quinn pregnant? Maybe Puck had gotten Quinn pregnant and I was the one who fooled around with Kurt. Or was it that Quinn had fooled around with Kurt and Puck was the idiot that got pregnant? I didn't know any more, only that everything had run together in one huge fucking mess.
She just let me babble on though, until I had the hiccups and I had worn myself out completely. "I messed everything up Mom, I'm so sorry."
I have to give my mom credit. She didn't either assume I had been possessed or that I needed a stay in the nuthouse, both of which seemed like pretty logical choices to me. She just rubbed my back and made those feel-better Mom noises until I could get myself back under control. Finally, we both just sat there, me sniffling a little and feeling kind of sick, the way you always do after you cry really hard.
"Alright, are you calm?" Mom was taking control of the situation, which is really what I had wanted all along. She would fix things for me, she always did. I nodded. "Now tell me the story again, but slowly and right this time. I'm almost certain that Puck isn't pregnant, and Quinn is, but how does Kurt fit into all this?"
So I explained the entire situation again, starting with my Baby Drizzle and everything I had gone through for her. "Like, I tried to get a job and everything, and Rachael got me in at the restaurant, but I had to pretend to be a wheelchair and I got caught, so I got fired there. I lasted two weeks though, and made almost $800, since everyone felt bad because I was, you know, all crippled and stuff and they gave me really good tips. I gave it to Quinn for the baby, but I don't know where it is now."
She was making the same face that she made a few years ago, back when Puck and I had decided to put her make-up on each other, just to see what we would look like as girls (hint? We would have been ugly chicks). It was a look that said she didn't know if she should horrified or just start laughing. "You pretended to be in a wheelchair just so you could get a job? Finn!"
Honestly, I didn't get why she was so upset. "Well, I had to. We needed money for the ultrasound, and how else were we going to get it? You always tell me to act like a man, and a man takes care of his baby."
There was a long silence while we both thought things over. "Alright, so you got Quinn pregnant. How long did you plan on hiding this from me? Baby, I thought we could tell each other anything."
See, the reason I didn't want to tell her was because of the sad face she was making right now. If I hadn't already cried myself into exhaustion, I would have started up again right there. "I didn't want to make you sad."
Now there were tears in her eyes, and I felt worse then ever. Was there any relationship I had that I wasn't going to fuck up? "Finn, I know you think you have to act like the man, but you're only 16 years old. You still need to be bringing your problems to me, because I'm the adult in this relationship. Yes, it makes me sad, but mostly because I thought you trusted me with all your secrets, and apparently you don't."
"I do. It's just that…" Well, honestly, it was just that Quinn was so upset at the thought of me telling anyone, including Mom. "She didn't want to keep her, so I thought, you know, everyone would be happy in the end. Drizzle would get a really good home, and the Fabray's wouldn't burn Quinn at the stake, and you wouldn't have to worry about me."
She sighed, deep down, like Kurt does when he's being dramatic. It's the sort of sigh that isn't for you, it's to prove a point to the person you're talking to.
Don't think about Kurt.
"Let's talk about that part later, alright? So, explain Quinn and Puck." She was making that face again, the one that said she already knew the truth, but wanted to hear me say it out loud.
"They had sex." Normally, the word would have never left my lips, not in front of Mom, but I was too tired to care. "He says it was just once, but that was more times then I did it with her, so the baby is his, not mine." Even now, three days later, I could barely get the words out. I had loved Drizzle so much, still did, and that hadn't stopped just because Quinn was a liar.
"Oh, Finn." Her voice was so full of pity that it hurt.
"Anyway, so I broke up with Quinn, and I punched Puck in the face a few times, and now here we are. I'm sorry I screwed it all up and didn't tell you."
I thought it had been a pretty good fakeout, but Mom's too smart for me. "Now tell me how Kurt got into the middle of this mess."
This was my chance to tell her everything, but I was too afraid. I just stuttered and stammered, my face turning red.
Mom took pity on me. "Finn, I want you to be honest with me. Are you in love with Kurt Hummel?"
Why did everyone have to bring love into it? How could I know if I was in love with Kurt, when I had really been hanging out with him for less then a week? He was funny and great and had a really cute smile, but love? Not yet. "No." My voice trembled and cracked.
"Alright, let's try something else. Did something happen between the two of you? And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."
Please God, don't let the word 'sex' come out of her mouth. My jaw started to tremble as well, and I nodded my head. "Yes. Do you hate me now?" My entire body was shaking. If she hated me, I wouldn't be able to take it.
"Of course not! Didn't I tell you that the other day? I will always love you, no matter what. You should never be ashamed to tell me things."
I remembered that, kind of. But I had thought…"Oh, was that what we were talking about? I thought we were talking about Mr. Hummel, not Kurt! No, we weren't doing anything then."
She gave me that smile, the one that said she thought I was being stupid, but she loved me anyway. I think the word is 'indulgent', but I'm not quite sure. Indulgent might be about dessert. "So, these feelings for Kurt, the ones that led to…whatever happened, they just sprung up out of nowhere? Or do you have any feelings for him? Was it just a physical thing?"
Could I just die now? Mom and I had never, ever, talked about anything like this before. But she was the only person I could talk to, and God knew I wasn't dong a very good job on my own. I stared down at my hands, remembering just what they had done last night. Then I remembered running them down Kurt's back, feeling each tiny bump. "Yeah, I have feelings for him. But it's not right."
"Finn! I raised you better then that. It's never wrong to love someone, male or female."
"I know. But it's wrong for me to like Kurt." I needed for her to understand this. Because if she was my Mom, and she didn't understand, how could I make Kurt understand?
"Is it because I'm dating Burt? Because I've only been out with him once, and you and Kurt aren't actually related."
I actually hadn't thought about that at all. "No, it's not that. It's just that he deserves more. I'm…I'm kind of fu-I mean messed up from Quinn, and he doesn't need that. He needs someone who can focus on just him."
She sighed. "Did you tell him that?"
Why was I starting to think that I had screwed up? "Yes."
"And how did he take it?"
"He told me that it had been a mistake and he knew it." That part still kind of hurt to say out loud. "He said we could pretend that it didn't happen, so I guess he didn't think it was that great."
Mom rubbed her eyes. "What did you say to him first, before he said any of that?"
My own mother was going to blame me, just like everyone else. "It's not my fault!"
"Finn, don't yell. I'm not saying it was your fault. However, you and I both know that sometimes you think you're clear when you aren't."
I guessed that that was true. "I didn't say anything to him. I just said that he and I should talk about what happened. Then he said it had been a mistake."
She stroked my shoulder again. "Do you want to be with him?"
"Maybe. Not right now." My eyes were heavy and I wanted to go back to sleep.
"Finn, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone before. When I first met your father, I was getting over a bad break-up. Christopher was, oh Finn, he was so charming. He would come over and spend time with me, even when no one else would." She smiled, lost in the memories.
Are you listening to her, Finn? Your dad came over when no one else did and kept her company. Does that sound familiar to you? Even a little bit?
I wasn't that stupid. I was Mom in this story and Kurt was Dad. Jeez, I got it.
"He wanted to be with me, but I kept telling him no. I wanted to wait, I wanted to be ready, I wanted to wait a little bit longer, I just wanted to be friends. No matter what he tried, I had a smart reply when the truth was that I was too afraid to open my heart again."
"What happened?" This was exactly what I had wanted: someone else to tell me what to do.
"He found someone else." My head snapped up at that thought. Kurt might not want to be with me, but would he really get with someone else?
No, he's just going to wait around forever. God, you are so fucking stupid! You turned him down, so why should he stick around?
Sometimes I wished that I could get rid of the Quinn voice as easily as I had gotten rid of Quinn herself. "What happened then?"
"I realized what a fool I had been. But at that point it was too late, and I had no one to blame but myself. I just had to wait until things broke off between them naturally, which eventually they did, thank God. Now, I'm not saying rush into something you aren't ready for, but keep your eyes open. If you don't, you might miss something wonderful. Also, talk to Kurt. Make sure he doesn't feel like this is his fault."
Why would he feel like that? I was the one who had pushed, and the one who had panicked and bolted in the morning. "Ok. I love you, Mom."
She kissed my forehead. "I love you too, baby. Are you hungry?" At my nod, she continued. "How about we order a pizza, and you go to bed a little early. Remember you have school tomorrow, and I'm not going to believe that you're sick."
"Ok." Her words about Kurt thinking that this was his fault were kind of haunting me, so I pulled out my cell phone as soon as she was gone. It rang so many times that I didn't think I was going to make the connection, but I finally heard Kurt's voice pick up. "Hello, Finn Hudson." No 'Cowboy', I noticed. Not this time. "What can I do for you?"
I took a deep breath, my heart thumping in my chest. "I think that maybe I screwed things up. Can you come over a little early tomorrow so we can talk? Please?"
He was quiet for 28 heartbeats, though I don't think it was that long since my heart was beating so hard. Finally he answered. "Ok, Finn. I'll see you at 6:30."
Score! Now I just had to figure out how to fix things. Something told me that it would be harder than it sounded.