Chapter 12: Fifteen Minutes of Shame
It was another ordinary afternoon at the Griffin house where it showed Peter in the living room holding in his hands a paintbrush and a palette with an easel set up beside him. He was watching an old episode of The Joy of Painting on PBS, hoping to learn how to paint. It then cut to the TV showing the show's host, Bob Ross in front of a painting.
"All right, now we're gonna use a fan brush here." Bob Ross instructed picking said brush to get started. "And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And we're gonna put a happy, little buah right down here in the corner there." Just as he said, he took some green paint from the palette he was wielding and painted a bush at the bottom right corner of the painting. "And that'll just be our little secret... And if you tell anyone that that bush is there... I will come to your house and I will cut you!"
It then cut back to Peter.
"Aw, jeez, mine doesn't look anything like his." Peter moped. "Eh, the hell with it." It then revealed that he was, instead painting a portrait of the cast of Family Ties as it parodied the opening credits to said show. He then turned to John and Tyler, who were also painting. "What about you, boys? Any luck?"
"No." the duo both replied as it showed them instead playing Mario Paint on an SNES showing a picture of Mario's head on the screen where his hat was colored.
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
Quahog was celebrating Clam Day, an event commemorating the town's founding in the form of a state fair over by the coast. Everyone was having a great time, including the Griffins, who were at a dunk tank. The catch was that it contained a shark inside that would eat the person above it. Chris took one of the balls from the stand and threw it at the target, but missed.
"Ha!" The fisherman in the tank laughed mocking Chris. "Boy, you throw like a fishwife! Come on, you hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!"
"Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?" Peter asked Chris.
"No way!" Chris replied now determined. He threw another ball and this time it hit the target as the fihserman fell into the tank.
"AH! AH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! AH-" The fisherman panicked barely able to swim as the shark in the tank immediately ate him.
The family laughed at the fisherman's demise. Except John, Tyler and Meg, who looked rather annoyed with her arms crossed.
"I'm good! Ha, ha, ha." Chris said.
"Oh. How fun." Lois admired. "And its for a good cause. All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks."
"I can see how." Tyler remarked.
It then cut to a ceremony by the shore with a emcee on stage.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West." The emcee said to everyone there.
"TV's Adam West?" John asked in the audience.
"No relation." The emcee answered stepping off stage while Mayor West stepped up.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much." Mayor West thanked the audience who applauded, but kept going after the applauding stopped. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Mm-hm, thank you. Eh, thank you..."
Mayor West kept going, which got John irritated. John then back to the dunk tank he and the family were at earlier and took one of the balls all the way back to the ceremony, where Mayor West was still saying "thank you". John then threw the ball at Mayor West, hitting him in the forehead. But instead of knocking him to the ground, as soon as the ball made contact with Mayor West's head, it bounced back as it made a ding sound and the hit made Mayor West continue.
"It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder, Miles 'Chatterbox' Musket set sail for the new colony." Mayor West said telling the story of the town's founder, Miles "Chatterbox" Musket where it soon flashed back to the ship Miles was sailing in with other people.
"You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First thing. FIRST thing, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna have myself a feast. No, no, no! Bath! Bath first! Feast second! But I hope I see Natives!" Miles said to everyone on board, quickly getting on their nerves. "Hey, you think they'll have cheese there?"
"Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind." Mayor West narrated as it showed what he said with the pilgrims throwing Miles overboard as his unconscious body sank to the bottom. "He was as good as dead. But as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony, which would be called Quahog." It showed said clam taking Miles' body up to the surface. Soon, Miles was lying on a shore with the magic clam on top of him jumping up and landing on his gut, getting water out. Eventually, Miles was luckily saved and was now admiring the beach.
"There are fields for tilling, woods for timber and always the bounty of the sea-" The magic clam instructed Miles, who wasn't paying attention.
"Look at all this sand!" Miles soon interrupted. "Did you know there are beaches with black sand where I come from? Oh, did I not bring my fishing rod?"
"Are you-Are you listening?" The magic clam asked Miles trying to get his attention. "Because I'm trying to help you here."
"And help he did." Mayor West continued. "Thanks to the clam's leadership, Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement." It showed Miles staring at a forest near the shore, which fades into a settlement. It then cut to a cabin at night. "But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured."
Inside, Miles and the clam were having dinner.
"I mean, I know he's a Native. But what kind of a name is 'Squanto'?" Miles said to the clam, who didn't respond. "I mean, 'Leslie' or something like that would be nice-"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" The clam bursted having had enough of Miles' constant talking. "God, keep it to yourself once in a while! UGH! Here, here, look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this. *stops talking* Huh? Oh! Look, see that? See that? Yeah. Now try it with me. Huh? Okay? Okay?"
Miles was in tears heartbroken by the clam's rant and left the dinner table without saying a word, leading to the clam feeling guilty about what he did.
"Things only got worse." Mayor West continued as it showed the clam resting in bed. "Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam." It panned to Miles entering the clam's room with a musket now determined to kill the shellfish. He then aimed the rifle at the clam, but guilt overcame him and he withdrawed and left the room in defeat.
The next morning, Miles was making stew and tasted it to see if it was ready when the clam came up behind him.
"I was awake last night, Miles." The clam informed Miles of his awareness toward the events of the previous night, much to Miles' surprise. "I saw you. I'm afraid you have left no choice, but to go." The clam then waddled out of the house, to Miles' dismay.
"Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!" Miles pleaded to the clam, who was now entering back into the sea as Miles fell to his knees and cried.
Cuts back to Mayor West at the ceremony.
"Miles never spoke again." Mayor West continued. "But every year until his death from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head, he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return. Today, we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. What's that? Something out at sea?" He bent down to bring out a telescope and used it to look out to the sea. "Clam-HOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
It then showed Cleveland and Quagmire out at sea on a boat with Peter in the water dressed as the magic clam and wearing goggles.
"They're giving your cue, Peter." Cleveland informed Peter.
"*heavy breathing* Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber?" Peter asked as the suit was making it difficult for him to swim.
It then showed the family by the shore where Lois and Chris were excited about Peter's role, Brian, John and Tyler weren't that excited and Meg was shown rather pissed off.
"It's such an honor to play the magic clam." Lois said admiring her husband's role turning to John, Tyler, Brian and Meg. "Aren't you proud of your dad, kids?"
"I don't know." John answered.
"Me neither." Tyler answered.
"Are you kidding?" Meg asked Lois. "God, this is worst than having Ronald McDonald for a father."
Cutaway #1
A teenage girl was coming down the stairs and leaving where it revealed her father was Ronald McDoanld reading an issue of "McDonaldland Informant".
"Bye, Dad." The girl greeted her father goodbye. "Don't wait up!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here." Ronald demanded to his daughter, who did as told. "You're not going out with all that make-up on."
"But Dad!" Lisa was about to say.
"Upstairs! And take a shower to wash that stuff off!" Ronald ordered. "You're a McDonald! Not a whore!"
Sometime later, she came back down this time with white skin and red lips, nose and eyebrows much like the ones on her father's face, revealing the "make-up" Ronald was referring to was actually her skin color.
"There we are!" Ronald said cheerfully, though Lisa was a little down by it. "All right, you have a good time."
Lisa then left the house now embarassed while Ronald went back to reading the paper.
End
Peter tried to swim with the heavy-weighted suit, causing him to pant.
"I think I got a wave here!" Peter informed as a wave developed underneath him and consumed him where his trunks flew in the air and Peter ended up on shore with his upper half buried in the said and his lower half exposed to everyone in front of him.
Everyone was speechless at the incident as Meg and John covered their eyes, Brian and Stewie not surprised and Lois, Chris and everyone else were simply surprised.
"Huh." Brian spoke. "So, that's what Peter's penis looks like."
It then cut to the family driving home from the fair.
"How could you embarass me like that?!" Meg asked Peter. "Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight!"
"Don't worry, honey." Lois reassured Meg. "You and your friends are gonna have a great time."
"Yes. Yes. How delightful it will be." Stewie said sarcastically. "A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys..."
"Yeah." Tyler agreed.
"And music..." Stewie continued.
"Yeah." Tyler agreed again.
"And jellybeans." Stewie continued.
"No." Tyler this time disagreed.
"And stickers..." Stewie finished.
John then elbowed Stewie and Tyler.
"Oh, oh, we better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot." Chris teased as he and Peter, except Lois, who turned at him unamused.
"Shut up." Lois told off Chris, who stopped after what Lois said along with Peter.
"Hey, Chris, are you wearing an earring?" John asked Chris about his earring on his right ear.
"Yeah. Why?" Chris asked back as John yanked the earring out and crushed it with all his strength. "Hey, you broke my earring!"
"That's what you get for being immature." John told off Chris.
(A/N: I wanted this to be a joke poking fun at the fact that Chris' earring was later removed in season 3.)
"Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, okay?" Meg demanded.
"Meg, will you relax?" Peter asked Meg. "None of us are gonna anything to embarass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas."
Peter pulled up at a gas station.
"Hey, any of you guys want a soda?!" Peter called out where as he stepped out, he was still naked and walking to the store, Meg and John's surprise. "I'm gonna go inside and get a soda!"
"Bring me back a root beer!" Tyler called out to Peter.
"Mom!" Meg said to Lois embarassed by her father's nudity.
"Meg, you know your father loves you very much." Lois told Meg trying to make her feel better.
As Peter was about to head inside, Kevin Swanson stepped out shown to be working there when he found Peter in front of him without clothes.
"Mr. Griffin?" Kevin exclaimed catching sight of Peter.
"Oh, my God!" Meg exclaimed in embarassment.
"Hey, look, Meg! It's Kevin from next door! I di-I didn't know you worked here." Peter said as Kevin tried slipping away. "Hey, Kevin, come here. Come here!" Peter then took Kevin to the car. "Say hi to Meg. She's right in there. Right there." Peter then directed Kevin to Meg, who lowered down in her seat in embarassment, but then noticed John and Tyler were no longer in their seats. "Hey, where'd John and Tyler go?" He peeked through the window to see inside, but soon John popped up jumpscaring Peter while in a monster mask. Peter and Kevin were startled by John's trick and fleed.
"Oh, John, I wish you hadn't done that." Lois said to John.
"Why?" John asked. "Is it because he was embarassing Meg?"
"No, because Mr. Griffin has the car keys." Lois answered.
This left John dumbfounded as everything went quiet.
"Hey! I'm back with my root beer!" Tyler yelled walking up with his soda and noticed everyone else looking at him. "What?"
Later that night, Meg was hosting her slumber party with her friends.
"Okay, I'd put Brad Pitt's face...on Brendan Fraser's body...with Ben Affleck's butt!" One of the girls said playing a game as they all squeeled in excitement.
Unbeknownst to them, one of the boards on the bottom of the stairs opened a bit revealing to be John inside while using both the drawer and the bunk bed to stand on. A smile developed on John's face seeing Meg happy with her friends as he soon fantasized himself having all the things one of Meg's friends said earlier, which he used to impress Meg.
"Oh, John!" Fantasy Meg said to John easily swayed by his sexy body. "You're everything I've ever wanted! Kiss me!" She jumped into his arms and they were about to share a kiss. The fantasy then shifted to show John about to kiss a pillow.
"My turn! My turn!" Lois then barged in and said, causing John to snap out of his fantasy and nearly lose his balance. Luckly for him, no one noticed him as he and the other girls were surprised to find Lois participating, much to Meg's dismay. "I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. *sighs excitedly*"
"Mom, what are you doing?" Meg asked Lois demandedly.
"I love slumber parties!" Lois answered. "Okay, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way?" Lois raised her hands and expected everyone else did. However, none of them did as they were both too embarassed and uncomfortable at the same time when Lois brought up the question. "You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. Now everybody pair up!"
"All right, Mom!" Chris rooted for Lois revealing his hiding spot behind the couch.
"Chris, get out of here right now!" Meg ordered her brother.
"Um... I can't." Chris rose up a bit above the couch and answered.
"Okay. finish up and then come out." Lois then told Chris, much to the girls' disgust.
John decided to do something about what was going on, but unbeknownst to John as he was about to leave...
"Hey, Lois, have you seen my fake beard?" Peter asked Lois coming down the stairs when he reached the bottom, he fell through crushing John underneath. John's screams of pain were muffled underneath. "Oh, crap! I'm stuck in the stairs!" John tried to pull himself out, but to no prevail.
"J-MAN!" Tyler reacted to his best friend's situation. "Are you okay?" John merely pointed Tyler at his condition. "Oh. Right. Hang on, I'll get you out!" Tyler reached up and tried to pull John out.
Cuts back to Meg.
"Oh, God, kill me now!" Meg exclaimed in embarassment.
"All right, Meg, I'm gonna need you to boil some water." Lois instructed Meg after surveying Peter's condition. "And girls, I'm gonna need towels! Lots of them! *claps twice* Okay, let's go!"
All the girls got up and walked out of the living room.
"Ah, jeez, I'm-I'm sorry, Meg's friends." Peter apologized to Meg and her friends. "Look, I'll make it up to ya. I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance."
"Why would you bring a dead pirate to a school dance?" Tyler asked Peter from within him and John's room.
"Hey, he's good with kids." Peter told Tyler. "Nothing bad will happen."
It then showed the family in Peter and Lois' room where Lois was treating Peter's wounds on his bare rear while Meg was still pissed about them ruining her slumber party. John, on the other hand, had a bag of ice on his head.
"Ow! Ah, jeez, Lois! What is that?! Acid?!" Peter said to Lois reacting to the sting of alcohol on his wounds.
"You guys are ruining my life!" Meg conplained.
"I'm sorry, honey." Lois apologized to Meg. "I know how you must feel."
"If you care about me, you won't show your faces downstairs for the rest of the night." Meg demanded.
"Well, then it's a good thing I got this." Peter said pulling out and putting on a Ronald Reagan mask while quoting Nixon. "'I am not a crook.'"
Everyone but Meg, John and Tyler laughed at Peter's joke.
"Don't Nixon!" Tyler said.
"I mean it! All of you!" Meg stated.
John stepped up and wanted to talk to Meg.
"Um, Meg." John asked. "C-Can I ask you something? I was wondering if-"
"Oh, God, where's Stewie?!" Meg then asked just now noticing Stewie's absense and totally ignoring John.
"Yeah, and where's Tyler?" John also wondered.
Stewie was back downstairs chatting with Meg's friends.
"Well, Beth, what do you think?" Stewie asked the blonde girl in the blue pajamas. "Does Mark find out attractive?"
"Heh, I don't know." Beth replied.
"Well, have you asked him?" Stewie asked.
"Not exactly." Beth answered.
"All right, look. Let's-Let's try some roleplaying." Stewie insisted though unbeknownst to him, John and Tyler were right behind him and raised their legs. "I'll be Mark. And you ask me out to the-the...box social or whatever the devil it is you children doing these days."
It then showed the living room window outside and Stewie suddenly crashed through it.
Eventually, everyone was now asleep. Well, almost everyone as it soon showed John and Tyler in their beds still awake hearing Peter and Lois upstairs.
"Peter, don't!" Lois said to Peter affectionately as the duo tossed and turned trying to sleep. "God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, that'll warm it up a little."
John groaned in disgust at what he was hearing. "Man, I sure hope Meg and her friends aren't hearing this right now."
Unfortunately for John, Meg and her friends were indeed awake hearing Peter and Lois upstairs.
"Oh, that's nice." Lois' voice was heard in a seductive tone.
Peter then moaned making the girls quiver in fear.
"Peter, wait till-" Lois then insisted to Peter.
"SHAZAAM!" Peter yelled from the other room having had an orgasm, much to the girls' disgust.
Lois then sighed in disappointment. "Oh, Peter."
One of the girls woke up and found Chris watching her. She screamed, which was followed by Chris, who then ran away.
The next morning, John and Tyler came out of their room to go get some breakfast and found all of Meg's friends no longer in the living room. They were about to enter the kitchen, but found Meg already there alone having some cheesecake.
John tried to bail out of there, but Tyler grabbed his arm preventing him from doing so and shook "no." John understood, took a deep breathe and finally went in to confront Meg.
"Hey, Meg." John greeted Meg trying to remain calm.
"Hey..." Meg replied a little down taking a bit of her cheesecake slice.
John soon saw this and was no longer nervous. He felt like he wanted to help cheer her up, but didn't know how. Finally, he said...
"So. Um..." John said looking back at the door leading to the living room. "Where are your friends?"
"My family scared them away." Meg answered reminding John of the mess that happened last night.
"Oh. Right." John realized. "Look, Meg, about last night, I wasn't doing anything gross. I was-"
"No, no, I'm not mad at you. I just... I just wish there was some way I can make them understand how embarassing they are." Meg explained.
"Well, that's family for you." Tyler remarked turning on the kitchen TV.
"Welcome back to Diane!." Diane Simmons greeted hosting her talk show Diane!, which caught both Meg, John and Tyler's attention. "Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession."
It then showed a couple sitting on two differents chair apart from each other.
"Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean." Mario said to his girlfriend, Erica. "I'm...I'm not really a man... I'm a woman." She then revealed her true self removing the disguise.
The audience cheered over this revelation.
"Oh, my God! You're a woman?!" Erica asked shocked.
"Well...actually, I'm not really a woman... I'm a horse." Mario then revealed once again removing the disguise of what he claimed to be earlier to show his true self.
Once again, the audience cheered for this second revelation.
"Oh, my God! You're a horse?!" Erica asked again.
"Actually, I'm not really a horse... I'm a broom." Mario then confessed again removing the disguise to reveal his true self, only this time it was the real deal as it dropped to the floor.
The audience then cheered again.
"Okay. Okay." Diane told the audience calming them down and went back to Erica. "So, how do you feel?"
"To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised." Erica told Diane.
Cuts back to Meg, John and Tyler at the kitchen table.
"And confused." John said.
A smile grew on Meg's face after watching what she saw, giving her an idea. John noticed this and looked back at the TV before going back to her.
Sometime later, Meg brought her family (except John and Tyler, who were back at the house) to be apart of the audience for Diane!, where it was a full house.
"Man, this is a great show." Peter said giving the show they were on some praise. "They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside them. Like-Like this one guy. Didn't know he was actually two midgets."
"Oh, those poor, unsuspecting people." Lois pitied.
"Well, maybe some of them deserved it." Meg remarked, to Lois' confusion of what she meant.
The show then started as it showed Diane Simmons in front of the camera.
"Hello and welcome to Diane!" Diane greeted. "Today's guest is tired of being embarassed by her family."
"Meg, how did you get these tickets again?" Lois leaned over to Meg and asked her suspicious of what's to come while Meg had a smile of satisfaction on her face.
"Let's bring them up right now." Diane said.
"Meg, whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy of-" Lois tried to persuade Meg in a desperate tone before Diane Simmons introduced them.
"The Griffin family!" Diane announced as a spotlight shined on the family, to Lois' horror. The audience applauded the family.
"Hehehe, suckers..." Peter mocked before realizing that it was them. "Uh-oh." It then cut to commercial break.
It then cut to Diane.
"And we're back." Diane said. "Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter?"
The Griffins were each in their own seats just like it did with the episode Meg, John and Tyler watched before.
"I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg." Peter said to Meg disappointed. "Maybe now I won't give you the anitdote."
"To what?" Meg asked.
"To the poison you just drank!" Peter revealed making an evil laugh, much to Meg's annoyance.
"See what I mean?!" Meg asked the audience. "This is not normal!"
Back at the house, John, Tyler and Brian were watching Diane! to see how Meg's plan is going.
"You really want to get in that girl's pants, aren't you?" Brian asked John.
"What?! No!" John reacted to Brian's question about his infatuation with Meg. "It's nothing like that at all. I just like to...you know...see her be happy with whatever she wants to do."
"Even help her get her family on TV?" Tyler asked John.
"Okay, that, I'll admit, was from trying to impress her." John admitted in defeat.
Stewie then arrived and came to the trio at the couch.
"You three. Seems the naughty baby has made a messy poo in hi-" Stewie taunted them benting over a bit and pointing at his rear when he took notice of the family on the TV. "I say, what's this?"
"None of your business." John replied.
"Oh, really?" Stewie said climbing up on the couch. "Volume. Volume!"
"Okay." Tyler answered taking the remote and instead muting the TV.
"No, I said volume! VOLUME!" Stewie scolded Tyler.
"I know. I just wanted to annoy you." Tyler said, to Stewie's chagrin, before Brian took back the remote and switching the volume back on.
It then cut back to Diane!. It showed a close-up of Peter, where it read "Embarassing, fat moron" under his name.
"Look, what's the big deal? I mean, we're just a regular American family." Peter said. "We have family dinners and we go to church together-"
"Yeah, and you even manage to humiliate me there." Meg pointed out as the camera zoomed out to show her.
(A/N: If you've seen the original episode and/or read the first episode of this series, you know what's about to come up. Sorry, I don't mean to be lazy, but I just felt it was pointless to feature something that was originally an old clip from a previous episode. I apologize very much if this upsets you. Hope you still like the episode, though.)
It then showed a full view of the family in their chairs and Diane walked in.
"We have a caller on the line." Diane announced. "Go ahead."
The call was then played.
"Yes. Yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can?" The caller revealed to be Stewie asked Diane playing a prank call on her.
It then cut back to Brian and Stewie snickering at their prank, except for John and Tyler, who weren't apart of it.
"You guys're so immature." Tyler commented to the duo.
"Tyler's right. You're gonna get us in a lot of tro-" John tried to reason.
"Quiet, quiet, shut up, shut up." Stewie shrugged off John before back to the phone. "Um...well, you better let him out!"
Brian and Stewie then bursted out laughing, to John and Tyler's annoyance.
"That's hilarious!" Brian praised his and Stewie's work.
"All right, joke's over. Now, give me the phone." John said holding his hand out.
"No, no, not yet." Stewie refused. "I've still got another one about her refridgerator running."
It then cut back to the show.
"Give me the phone!" John's voice was heard as sounds of a struggle were soon heard.
"Meg, you have two parents who love you and-" Lois told Meg as it panned to her next to a TV above and as it displayed Lois' name on screen, she noticed and turned to the TV. "What does that say under me?" She read the description underneath her name which reads "Probably more of a bitch than she lets on". Lois was not pleased one bit. "Ah, go [BLEEP] yourself, Diane!"
It cut back to Brian and Stewie on the couch. Brian spat out his martini in surprise from what Lois said on TV. The audience was also heard gasping by Lois' swear, as well.
"*gasps* Did she just say?!" Tyler appeared in a sailor suit and spoke in a pirate accent.
"Aye...she did." John also appeared while dressed as a pirate captain and also spoke like a pirate.
Back on the show, Diane was with Peter.
"Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling?" Diane asked Peter.
"Who're you callin' Uncle Tom?!" Peter reacted stupidly.
"What?" Diane exclaimed as Peter got up from and picked up his chair to try and attack her with.
"Okay, time up." Chris halted Peter getting up. "This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences."
"Just shut up and throw a chair." Peter ordered Chris throwing his chair at Diane, but missed her.
"Okay!" Chris replied picking up Lois' chair, while she was still sitting in it and threw it where the audience was.
The crowd went nuts at what just happened where it panned to show a network executive watching the audiences' reception. He smiled and took interest in this.
Later, Peter was in the mens' restroom peeing in the urinal.
"Uh-oh, fire! Fire! City Hall is burning!" Peter said pretending to be a fireman. "Don't worry, I'll put it out." He then imitated a fire siren and laughed at his little game as the network exec from earlier came in and used another urinal right next to Peter.
"Hey, great show out there." The man complimented Peter.
"Look, if you want an autograph right now, you either gotta give me a pen or get me some snow." Peter replied back.
The man simply laughed at what Peter just said. "I look at you and see a series. In fact, we would like to put cameras in your house and follow the human drama that is your family. Kinda like The Real World."
"All right! Then everybody would get to see me and my wacky antics!" Peter said excited.
Cutaway #2
Peter was by the kitchen door and Lois stepped out with a glass of water. Peter jumped out at her and managed to startle her, causing her to drop the glass to the ground as it shattered.
Peter laughed hard when John walked by with a baseball bat and swung at Peter's legs without stopping, sending him down to the floor as John kept walking.
End
"So, do we have a deal?" The man asked Peter.
"Let's shake on it." Peter said.
The two didn't shake hands, but instead shook their... you-know-whats a bit before zipping up.
Eventually, the Griffins were now part of a new reality show called "The Real Griffins" as the family was in the living room sitting in the couch while Meg, John and Tyler were standing while the camera crew filmed them.
"Mom, are we on TV right now?" Chris asked Lois.
"Yes, Chris." Lois answered a bit bitter about the situation. "Your father signed a contract and now we're gonna be on TV for the next six months."
"How could you do this?" Meg asked Peter. "You've turned my life into the 24-hour Loser Channel!"
"You, cameraman!" Stewie said to one of the cameramen to his left. "Make sure you use that Cybill Shepard filter! If they can make her look half human, they should be able to take six months off my face."
The next morning, Peter was being taped by one of the cameras and was finishing up brushing his teeth and spitting in the sink. Peter then noticed the camera behind him.
"Um... I-I find the toothpaste with a pump is...a little easier to get on the brush." Peter said. "Um, you may have noticed my underwear has a-has a hole in it. It's, uh, you know, it-it's fi- I don't see any reason to-to throw it out. The waist is still fine." Peter then grabbed hold of the elastic waist on his underwear and stretched it. "You know... You can see-see, it's still stretchy."
It then showed Meg watching the scene above on the kitchen TV and was once again embarassed by her father's act.
"Mom, you have to do something!" Meg begged Lois, who was making breakfast. "Dad's on TV parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy!"
"Oh, now, sweetie, your father's just a free spirit." Lois said suddenly peppy despite there being cameras around the house and placed the breakfast on the table. "Here. A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day."
"And, uh...And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o!" Brian said looking at the camera while Meg, John and Tyler nodded in embarassment. "Hey, I'm Brian." Brian then pulled out a flask and took a sip before putting it away.
"What the hell is this?!" Stewie shouted in disgust as the camera panned to him. "I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!" Stewie angrily knocked his plate to the wall. "Make it again!"
It cuts to Stewie sitting in his room in a scene similar to the confessionals from The Real World.
"Ah, the breakfast thing. *chuckles* Yes..." Stewie said. "I-It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I-I-I-I don't...have no problem. It's just-There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to 'kill' her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh, I-I sometimes wonder if all are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?' It's also sometimes the same thing with John and Tyler, actually. Yes, I know, I call them 'simpletons'. But...it's just that...I feel very superior against them in all ways. And I want them both to know that."
Then it cut to Tyler in his room.
"No comment." Tyler merely replied.
Then it cut to Chris in his room. He didn't respond for a moment.
"One time, my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and then lied about it." Chris responded.
It cut to Joe and Bonnie watching the Griffins' show.
"I knew it!" Joe said. "Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up."
"Wow. Joe, this sort of makes you like Larry from Three's Company." Bonnie said to Joe. "You know, I always thought he was sexy."
"YES!" Joe cheered. "I AM ALL ABOUT LARRY OVER HERE!"
The family was even followed by the camera crew to a seafood restaurant called "Lobster Shanty." The family was inside the restaurant trying to find something to eat.
"Um... On Sundays, we generally catch the early-bird special here at The Lobster Shanty." Peter told the crew. "Their fresh seafood, good prices. Plus...it's a shanty."
"And you get to pick your own lobster." Chris pointed out.
"Do you guys ever get a dayoff or something?" John said to the camera crew.
"Yeah, go bother someone else for once!" Tyler also said to the camera crew.
"Yes, yes, that one looks like hes got some fight in him." Stewie acknowledged stripping himself to his diaper. "Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in!" He got out of his high-chair and scurried away.
"Dang it. I'll go after him." Tyler said rushing off to retrieve Stewie.
After both Tyler and Stewie left, a couple of fans walked up to the Griffins' table with autograph books in their hands.
"Oh, my God, it is them!" The male fan exclaimed in excitement. "I can't believe the Griffins eat here like everyday people!" He leaned on the table smiling while the female fan took a picture.
"We're, like, trying to eat here." Meg told the fans whom left.
"Meg, put your bib on." Lois told Meg.
"I don't wanna wear a bib." Meg rejected Lois' demand as it showed Tyler and Stewie brawling in the fish tank and John turned behind him to watch the action.
"Meg, honey, it's very cold in here." Lois told. "Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on-"
"She means your nipples are sticking out." Peter said.
"What?!" John exclaimed immediately turning around after hearing what Peter said about Meg's nipples when Tyler was slammed into the glass by Stewie.
"Mom!" Meg exclaimed covering her chest.
Hahaha! Nipples! Nipples!" Chris teased Meg where in the background, Tyler managed to turn the tables on Stewie and the fight continued.
"That's it! I want those cameras off!" Meg protested having had enough of the reality show business.
"Fourth wall!" Chris shouted. "You're breaking the fourth wall!"
"Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place." Lois reminded Meg calling her out for something she did.
Tyler came back injured from his fight with Stewie, who was defeated and knocked out. Tyler then placed Stewie on the table.
"Got him." Tyler said weakly before passing out.
(A/N: The fight scene with Tyler and Stewie was originally part of an actual joke that was supposed to happen during the family's conversation. Though, I'm afraid I didn't add that much action into the sequence.)
"Well, I'm getting us off TV. I quit!" Meg said storming out of the restaurant.
It was right at that moment that recieved another of the visions from in the previous episode showing the silhouette of a girl about to be killed by a silhouetted figure wielding a machette-like weapon as Meg's screams were heard. John snapped out of the illusion and realized something might happen to Meg if she was left alone. He then thinks up of an uxcuse to get away from the camera crew.
"If she quits, then I quit, too!" John said as he gave pursuit to Meg.
However, John stopped and remembered Peter saying that Meg's nipples were sticking out and theorized that the crew recorded the whole thing. Outraged, John charges at the crew and attempts to smash the camera where it went to static.
It then revealed to be a recording from a previous episode being displayed in the office of the man who got the Griffins on TV, whom turned it off.
"Hmm. Look, this isn't necessarily a bad thing." The man told Peter and Lois.
"We can't do the show without Meg and John." Lois insisted.
"Why not?" The man asked not caring. "Our research shows that Meg is the least popular character on the show. The only thing that does make her interesting is her and John, but our research also shows that it been going nowhere."
"What? But Meg and John aren't dating." Lois told the man.
"Oh, well, that explains why we weren't able to get of them making out." The man said. "But anyway, everyone loves the rest of you. Lois. Lois. Woman 25 to 49, they see you as a role model."
"Really?" Lois asked flattered.
"Absolutely." The man confirmed.
"What about me?" Peter asked.
"ho, ho, ho, Peter, Peter, you and Tyler are two of the show's most favorite stars. You're laugh riots!" The man told Peter. "Look, the bottom line is you folks are all still under contract. Okay? But I've got up with a solution I think will make everyone happy."
The next day at James Woods High School, a teacher was doing role call, but one of the camera men was there beside him, indicating it was one of Meg's classes.
"Jason Gallagher?" The teacher called.
"Present." Said student answered when Meg came in.
"Meg Griffin?" The teacher called.
It then showed from the camera's perspective with Meg in front.
"Oh, sorry, I'm late, Mr.-" Meg was about to apologize to her teacher before someone else interrupted.
"Here." Another girl answered, causing Meg to turn to see another girl dressed as her sitting in her seat, to her dismay.
Later, in an empty parking lot, a cab pulled up and dropped off both Meg and John and driving away.
"Hello?" Meg called out.
"Is anyone else here?" John called out.
"Psst. Over here." Tyler called out to John as he and Meg turned around to find Peter, Lois and Tyler coming out of the shadows in trenchcoats. "Thank you for meeting us here."
"Can I offer you two a cigarette?" Peter offered John and Meg holding up a pack of cigarettes.
"Peter." Lois interfered.
"Mr. Griffin." Tyler, too, interfered.
"Sorry." Peter apologized putting away the cigarettes. "We have to keep this brief."
"Why are we here?" Meg asked in concern.
"Yeah, what's going on here?" John asked.
"No cameras." Peter answered. "The TV executives don't want viewers to get confused and think you're Meg Griffin and John."
"So, you're just gonna let them recast us?" Meg Griffin asked them unpleased.
"Hey, it could've been worse." Peter reasoned. "They could've gone with Plan B."
"It was much worse." Tyler stated.
Cutaway #3
Plan B was a parody of Henry Blake's death in M*A*S*H as it showed an emergency room at a hospital. Surgens were hard at work at the moment when Brian came in dressed as Radar.
"Brian, put a mask on." Peter as a surgeon told Brian with Lois, who as also apparently a surgeon.
"I have an announcement." Brian announced in a grim tone. "'Meg Griffin and John's plane were shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.'"
After that, Brian left the room where Stewie then came in wearing a woman's dress, heels, a pearl necklace, earrings and a hat.
"Who do I see about a Section 8?" Stewie asked.
End
"Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house!" Meg said. "I don't even wanna be a part of this family anymore!" She turned and left.
At that moment, John recieved the same vision from the previous episode of what appeared to be Meg about to be killed by a silhouetted figure with a knife and shook himself out of it.
"Meg, wait!" John called out to Meg, getting her and everyone else's attention. "Take me with you."
"What?" Meg asked John.
"Take me with you." John repeated. "I... I'm afraid something bad will happen if you're on your own in the real world."
"I don't understand." Meg said confused about what John meant.
"I don't wish to see you get hurt." John confessed and turned to Lois, Tyler and Peter. "You guys may have failed at not embarassing Meg, but I wish to make up for all of it. So, Meg, may I please go with you?"
"Um... okay..." Meg said warily as she and John left the lot.
"Meg." Lois said to Meg.
"J-man." Tyler said to John.
"They'll be okay." Peter said. "Come on, we gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice."
Cutaway #4
Chris was in the back of the car worried while a Raggady Ann doll was in the passenger's seat and a Raggady Ann doll was in the driver's seat.
"We're gonna be late!" Chris responded, but got no reply. "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?!"
End
As mentioned, Meg and John were in fact about to stay in Cleveland's house.
"Oh, Meg, John, our home is your home for as you both like." Loretta said to John and Meg.
"We could offer you both the guest room provided that it doesn't bother both of you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there." Cleveland said.
"Oh... I guess not." Meg said.
"Yeah, I guess we wouldn't mind." John said.
"Um... When'd he die?" Meg then asked Cleveland.
"We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show." Cleveland explained as he showed the two the room with Cleveland's uncle now lying dead on the bed, to Meg's shock.
"You didn't even remove the body?" John asked Cleveland in concern.
"No." Cleveland answered.
"Goodbye." John greeted goodbye dragging Meg with him.
Some time later, an episode of The Real Live Griffins was on and Chris was playing in the yard with the sprinkler. Peter then came up to the camera with dandelions in his right hand.
"You know, some-some people think that dandelions are weeds. But, uh...you know, I-I always think...who-who the hell decided tulips were so great?" Peter said speaking his mind about flowers.
"Or roses." Tyler agreed.
"Eh, I guess." Peter replied.
The cameraman then panned away from Peter to show the actress who replaced Meg wearing shorts, a bikini top and heart-shaped sunglasses while sucking on a lollipop along with the actor who replaced John was a Zack Efron lookalike and shirtless showing his buff body wearing only blue trunks. "Hey. Hey, I'm over here. He-Hey!" Peter and Tyler both tried to get in the camera's view, but bumped into the lens, knocking them over.
The actress walked up to Chris, who didn't seem to recognize her and the actor walked over to Tyler helping him up.
"Hi, Chris." The girl greeted Chris.
"Hey, you okay, Tyler?" Fake John asked Tyler getting him up.
"You know our names?" Chris asked confused.
"Have we met before?" Tyler asked.
"Of course, we do, sillies." Fake Meg reassured to Chris and Tyler hugging Chris. "I'm your sister, Meg, Chris."
"And I'm your best friend, John, Tyler." Fake "John" assured to Tyler. "Don't you remember?"
"Okay..." Tyler said.
"Oh." Chris responded. "Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked and I'm allowed to videotape it."
"Ooo, honey, my skin's getting so slippery." Fake John teased to Fake John. "Hope I don't pop out of my top."
Chris was unable to handle all the excitement and passed out from all of the pressure. Tyler then slipped away from the actor and actress.
"You wanna make-out?" Fake John asked Fake Meg.
"Sure." Fake Meg agreed making out with Fake John.
"Hey, hey, camera guy, check this out." Peter called out behind the cameraman, who wasn't paying attention, as Peter pulled out Wayland Flower's Madame puppet. "'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't ya?"
"'You're the one with the hand up my backside, darling.'" Peter then said through the Madame puppet, though his mouth was moving.
"OH! She got me." Peter said. However, all the cameramen were focused on were Fake John and Fake Meg making out, much to Peter's dismay. "Hey. Hey, come back here. Hey-She's gonna sing Rainbow Connection."
"EVERYBODY, RUN!" Tyler shouted running away.
The next day, Meg and John stayed over at Quagmire's house. Meg walked into the kitchen in her pajamas with a toothbrush.
"Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can me and John use your toothpaste?" Meg asked Quagmire before noticing something that she covered her eyes from. "Oh, my God. Excuse me."
"Hey, Meg, did you ask- EEYAHAHAH!" John reacted in horror.
It revealed that Quagmire was having sex with a random woman on his kitchen counter.
"Hey, no problem, Meg, John." Quagmire reassured. "You two probably bought me another three minutes. Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity."
Meg and John packed up their belongings and ran out of the house in a hurry.
Later, in the same episode of The Real Live Griffins, the family was having dinner.
"Oh, oh, the funniest thing happened at work today." Peter said.
"What happened?" Tyler asked interested.
"See, there was this-" Peter was about to say before fake Meg came in, gaining the cameraman's attention.
"Hi, everybody." Fake Meg greeted the family.
"Hey!" Peter and Tyler both yelled.
"Hey, baby." Fake John greeted Fake Meg, who didn't respond. "Is something wrong?"
"I had the worst day!" Fake Meg conplained. "First, I didn't make cheerleading 'cause I'm so plain."
"Ah, that's crazy. You're my cheerleader in life." Fake John said to Fake Meg.
"Aww." Fake Meg said. "Come on. Let's go up to my room so that we can have some private time."
"You read my mind." Fake John agreed picking up Fake Meg in his arms and started making out with her while heading to the real Meg's bedroom. They were, of course followed by the camera crew.
"It's not fair, Lois." Peter complained. "If I don't get any airtime, how am I ever gonna get my own spin-off, where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar...at the center of the Earth?"
Cutaway #5
It showed a bar in a volcanic cavern.
"You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here." Peter said to said creature sitting in his stool.
"Well, at these prices, I'm not surprised." The molten-rock man remarked.
"That's it, pal." Peter said. "You...are...outta here!"
Peter smiled, crossed his arms and then looked at the studio audience, who cheered after he said his catchphrase.
End
"To hell with the cameras!" Lois swore. "Haw can we ever let them replace our little girl?!"
"And my best friend!" Tyler agreed.
"Oh, I miss them, Peter." Lois said to Peter.
"Yeah, it's just not right without Meg and J-man." Tyler lamented.
"I miss them, too." Peter said. "They're like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-lookin' or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, dammit! And so are Meg and John! Let's go get them back!"
Peter, Lois and Tyler visited the studio to talk to the executive behind the show into bringing Meg back.
"So, Griffins, what can I do for you?" The man who made their show greeted Peter, Lois and Tyler.
"I'll tell you what you can do." Peter told off the executive. "You fire those sexy, but uninteresting versions of our daughter and her friend and make us a family again or we walk!"
"Fire them?! They're the highest testing characters on the show!" The executive said. "Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract."
"Oh, yeah? Well, here's what I think of your contract!" Tyler said lighting a match attempting to burn the thing, only to get his hand caught on fire. Tyler panicked and ran around the room. It got on the curtains and led to almost the entire studio getting burned down thanks to Tyler's actions.
"Well, you put me in a very awkward position now, Peter." The executive said to Peter not seeming to care about the condition of the studio on fire. "But I guess I have no choice."
The executive's decision sounded promising to Peter, Lois and Tyler.
The real John and Meg were walking down the street at nighttime still carrying their bags. John suddenly dropped to his knees face down to the ground, catching Meg's attention.
"John?" Meg asked John. "Are you okay?"
"I've failed you, Meg. I've failed to make sure you're safe." John said ashamed.
"What are you talking about?" Meg asked.
"I'm talking about... *sighs* Back when we were at New York, I recieved visions of you getting hurt or probably killed by some crazy guy and have tried to prevent that anyway I could." John confessed. "I was afraid that if something bad happened to you, it would all be my fault."
"So, you quit the show just so you could protect me?" Meg asked.
"Of course." John said. "But I guess I let you down. Huh?"
"Oh, John. You didn't let me down." Meg told John touched by his motives giving him a hug. "But I want to handle everything on my own."
"That's good, 'cause I don't think I could've been able to handle it any longer." John admitted.
"Oh, John, I missed my family." Meg said. "I want to go home."
"I don't think we have to worry about that." John said as Meg turned her head and found that they were in front of her house.
Meg and John were happy to see the house again. Meg looked at John, who nodded approvingly and she got up and ran to the house to reunite with her family. John wiped a tear from his eye satisfied with having made Meg happy.
"Mom? Dad? I'm home!" Meg declared to what she thought was her family, but after she went in, she and John found several people dressed as members of the family sitting on the couch. "Who are you?"
"We're the Griffins." The man dressed as Peter told Meg.
"No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold." Meg said recognizing the actor. "And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um... that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're... the Olsen twins?"
"Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!" The Olsen twin dressed as Stewie acted.
"Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?" The other Olsen twin acted dressed as Brian while holding a martini glass.
"Wait, where's Tyler?" John asked noticing Tyler's absense.
"Right here, J-man." A man walked in dressed as Tyler.
"You're not Tyler." John corrected. "You're Eddie Deezen."
"Who?" Meg asked.
"He's the guy who voiced the character, Mandark." John explained, though nobody reacted to this. "Dexter's Laboratory?" Still no response. "Cartoon Network? You've gotta be kidding me!"
It turns out the real Griffins were staying at a motel at another side of town. Inside their room, the family was watching The Real Live Griffins while Lois was on the phone.
The episode they were all watching was a reimagining of the actual pilot to this series.
"Oh, Peter, you promised me you wouldn't stop drinking at the stag party." Fake Lois said to Fake Peter before letting out a high-pitched nasally laugh.
"Uch, I do not not sound like that!" Lois said annoyed at her portrayal hanging up the phone. "Oh, this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we've lost our daughter!"
"And my best friend!" Tyler said.
"And Tyler's best friend." Lois repeated.
A knock was heard on the door and Lois answered it to find Meg and John there.
"Meg!" Lois exclaimed happy to see her daughter as they both gave each other a hug.
"J-man!" Tyleer exclaimed as well seeing his best friend again.
"Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarass me. I wanna come home." Meg confessed to her family.
"Oh, Sweetie, it's good to have you back." Lois said.
"Hey, honey, I'm sorry we missed your ball game." Peter apologized stupidly for the wrong reason.
"What?" Meg asked confused.
"Here's an ice cream." Peter said offering her an ice cream cone. "We love you, Meg."
"I love you, too." Meg said to her father giving him a hug.
Later, everyone was still watching TV while Meg was on a computer and John and Tyler were talking to each other in the corner.
Meg was typing her diary on the computer about her and the family's situation in the motel for the next six months.
"Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here." Peter told Lois looking into a sidetable next to one of the beds and bringing the Bible in the drawer out. "Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible! Ehehehehehehe."
Meg looked at her father and made a smile of gratitude before going back to her diary typing in "And I couldn't be happier."
"So, J-man, how was it protecting Meg?" Tyler asked John about his time with Meg.
"Well, Tyler, I'll admit, it was certainly a lot of hard work." John told Tyler. "I just wonder if I managed to-" Before John could finish, he received the exact same visions from before, confirming that the bad future hasn't been changed. "No!"
"What? What is it?" Tyler asked.
"The visions!" John explained. "Nothing's been changed! I don't believe it- Hey, what's Stewie doing on the computer?" John spotted Stewie on the computer Meg was using.
"I don't know." Tyler said.
On the computer, Stewie was, however, on Meg's diary rewriting what Meg typed in, replacing it with "And I want to KILL THEM ALL."
Stewie then looked at his sister with a sisiter look on his face delighted to have messed with her work. It wasn't until long that he realized that John and Tyler were standing to his left side looking unpleased with what Stewie's done as they lifted their legs back, getting ready to kick him again.
"No, no, no, no, NO-" Stewie said before it cut to black and the sound of shattered glass was heard.
The End
(A/N: Once again, I apologize very much about taking too long on this episode. It's that I've had some major writer's block for this story and I couldn't figure out how to develop Meg and John's relationship until much later. Anyways, hope that I've done a good enough job here and see y'all in the JT version of "Road to Rhode Island". Bye!)