Chapter Twelve

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Morgana was standing in the Astronomy Tower, looking up at the stars, waiting for that feeling to come, that feeling of being small and insignificant in a vast universe. And as she did, she slowly felt the weight of the world lift from her shoulders. She wished she could bottle this feeling and drink it up whenever she felt like her mission in life was getting too hard to bear.

She closed her eyes and imagined a faraway place, in which she could be reunited with her mother… her sister and the brother who had run away… he was the only one out of them to have done the sensible thing… all and everybody else was caught up in the thirst for power, for ambition, the fight for the throne… everyone, except her, was dead. She owed it to them to continue, though sometimes she wished she could quit her charade of a marriage and be with Merlin, even if she could fade his love for her fade with each day. It was just one of those things she felt it in her bones. Eventually, it would all be gone, and heaven would be nothing but a memory, an opportunity she had failed to take.

"Milady," Merlin said, abruptly snapping her out of her somber reverie after climbing up to the Astronomy Tower.

Morgana slid off the hoodie of her cloak, revealing her face, her pale white face illuminated by the moonlight.

Merlin swallowed hard. She looked like the epitome of innocence, with those sparkling green eyes, long, thin nose, and pouty, luscious pink lips. No, he told himself, though not as firmly as he would have liked. This had to come to an end. In this game of hearts, he would certainly lose. He strengthened himself against the onslaught of emotions. Then he looked at her as coldly as he could manage, which was not too cold.

"Merlin," she said breathily, green eyes sparkling, "You're finally here."

"Yes," Merlin replied, finding it hard to look at her, knowing the emotions he had worked so long on suppressing would resurface tenfold stronger if he did. "What do you need me for, Majesty?"

"Merlin, please," Morgana said, her eyes begging him, "Such formalities are not necessary."

"Gaius told me," he went on, finding it all the harder to meet her eye, "That you needed me on official business. So I have come on official business."

"Fine, then," Morgana ceded after a moment's contemplation, her voice firm and her nostrils flaring. "How far would you be willing to go for your kingdom, Merlin?" she asked, her tone suddenly considerably more complacent.

Merlin was taken aback. "I – I would do anything to keep it safe, Majesty,"

"Alright," Morgana said. "I fear the future of the kingdom is jeopardy. A wolf in sheep's clothing walks among us." She turned to him and looked him straight in the eyes. "I fear Arthur's beloved uncle didn't come here with the best of intentions."

"You speak treason, Morgana," Merlin said, aghast, fearing what she was about to ask him to do.

"I speak the truth," she replied with a hint of anger in her voice, "And if everyone else is blind to it or too afraid to speak it, I will. And you are the only one I can trust to do this mission. You're the only trustworthy person I know in the castle." She said, taking a step closer to him.

Merlin felt bothered, and started slowly, barely noticeably, edging backwards.

"Please, Merlin," she said. "If Agravaine has his way, I will be removed from Arthur's court – or at least, my influence will be nullified. And I fear Arthur, left to his own devices, is a crisis, and would make a mess out of Camelot. I am sorry, but that is what I believe. If you disagree –"

"No, no," Merlin said, having noticed Arthur's recently increasingly peculiar behavior. "I – I – Alright." He said, though when the words left his lips he realized he didn't mean it, and he was more worried and scared than brave and complicit. "H-how do you imagine this?"

"You have magic," Morgana said. "You have power most people cannot even imagine. I know you're an extremely powerful magician. I only know a fraction of your power, that which you have shown me. I do not know the full extent of your magic. I have ideas – like shadowing him, like –"

"I will do it," Merlin said with much more conviction this time, seeing her distress. If she – the only positive, benevolent force at Court – were removed, it would be to the detriment of all Camelotians. And while she had often seemed to him paranoid, he had his doubts about Agravaine as well. He seemed too ambitious to be trusted, and his influence too strong on Arthur to be dismissed. Morgana's face relaxed somewhat, but Merlin was under the impression that she thought he had agreed too quickly, that things had gone too smoothly to be true. "I – I will figure something out."

"I need to know where he is going," Morgana said, "what he is doing, and with whom. If you could listen in on his conversations… that would be best. If he does anything shady – I beg of you, bring proof so I can eliminate this menace as soon as possible."

Merlin nodded dutifully. In his eyes, she saw nothing but sincerity, and suddenly all her fears were assuaged.

"Thank you, Merlin," she said, her heart melting. "I don't know how we should go about meeting in the future. This is too risky, but it had to be done once. Hmm…"

"I could send you letters every day," he said. "And you to me."

Morgana wrinkled her nose in incomprehension.

"Gaius could deliver these messages," Morgana's lips twitched in disapproval, "or I could enchant a servant to do my bidding."

"Can you do that?"

"I could try,"

"Yes, please do," Morgana said. "I much prefer that alternative."

The two stood in silence, eyes locked, and it was as though the night had suddenly become a hundred degrees hotter. Suddenly feeling disturbingly hot, Morgana took a tentative step towards him, wrecking her mind for something – anything – to say to prolong their encounter…

But something was off. It was as if the flame that had flickered inside both of their chests, burning for one another, had dimmed inside Merlin to be replaced by grudging respect and the confusing fondness one has for old lovers who had wronged them before finally letting them go forever.

Morgana's mind suddenly went into overdrive, the mere possibility causing her to panic so that her heart started pounding so furiously against her ribcage that she could barely hear her thoughts over it. No… no… she could not allow this to happen. The last good thing in her life, ripped away from her by the man who seemed intent on ruining her despite all that she had done for him? Despite doing nothing but loving him and denying all her desires in an attempt to fashion him into a king to be revered in the centuries to come?

She suddenly couldn't think, and only one thing was on her mind: getting Merlin back…

If she lost him, she would lose her raison d'etre. She would lose the only good thing about her life… the feeling of powerlessness and hatred crept into her heart, soul and bones, and she suddenly felt as itchy as though a thousand bugs were crawling under her skin. The nightmares were accumulating right in front of her eyes: losing Merlin, losing her kingdom, losing everything in one swell swoop… She could not think clearly anymore, her vision was clouded and she allowed herself to be uncharacteristically driven emotionally. All she knew was that she needed to get rid of the feeling immediately, before it devoured her alive…

She tried to contain herself just long enough to seduce him.

"Can you keep a secret, Merlin?" Morgana suddenly asked, breaking the ear-piercing silence that lingered on the Astronomy Tower. Her eyes betrayed nothing of the frenzy driving her insane.

"Y-yes, Milady," Merlin said. Morgana ignored the formal address.

"Then… I trust you'll be keep another one as well…?" Morgana said, slowly closing the space between them. Merlin fidgeted uncomfortably at first and swallowed hard with the effort it took not to reciprocate. Morgana noticed her and burst into a wide grin when he bit his lip absently, devouring her with her eyes… when she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him, he was the one who grabbed her by the waist to pull her closer and unleash upon her all the emotion he had been forced to withheld during the past few months.

All the anger, hatred, love transformed into unparalleled passion, a kind of hunger that Morgana had never known from the sweet servant boy… he raised her abruptly, groping every inch of her body as though he was a traveler in the desert and she an oasis, and pushed her against the wall and slid a determined hand under her dress… she moaned absently, imagining the pleasures she was about to experience…

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Morgana abrutply awoke with a jolt, panting and drenched in sweat. The church outside struck quarter to twelve outside. She slowly calmed down, reeling with guilt, trying to suppress the pleasure the mere dream of being with Merlin again gave her. Her stomach churned with disgust at her own comportment as she looked at her husband's serene, sleeping form, as she tried to process the fact that dream or not, she had immensely enjoyed making love to her old lover, despite the months that have passed since their abrupt seperation.