Chapter 12: Lost While Trying to Find a Way Out

Sam's P.O.V.:

Exactly one more week has passed by and Rachel is still not speaking to him. So by doing that math, that's 168 hours ; 10,080 minutes ; 604,800 seconds without getting to hug or kiss her. Truthfully, he knows that he messed up by letting Quinn kiss him.

I did try to take her off me though, but maybe I should have been stronger and pushed her off before it lead to anything.

Part of him blames Quinn because she can't never make up her fucking mind. She keeps thinking its okay to go back and forth between him and Finn, and that's just not cool with him AT all, then the other more reasonable side of him argues that it is his fault too.

Why do I care so much, knowing that I won't be good enough for her once she gets to New York?

He loves her, it's simple as that. Whether or not they remain a couple for years to come, he would do anything for her in a heart beat. The only thing that is pissing him off right now is the state of limbo they seem to be in. They were technically not broken up since neither side had muttered those words. Yet this whole week was just making him feel like they were truly over. Texts and calls had gone unanswered and when he had visited her house earlier that week, her parents didn't let him see her.

Ironically, the only time he gets to see her now is during Glee and in the two classes they have together. He hopes that with enough apologizing they will make up and she will be his girlfriend again.

Sam: Rach, please talk to me, I'm going crazy without you!

Rachel: I don't have time for this, get a clue Sam and leave me alone!

Sam: If you care about making up and staying a couple, then just hear me out tomorrow

The Next Day...

After the final bell, Rachel made her way gratefully to her locker. The day had been interminable, like four finals week Mondays all rolled into one. Every class dragged to the point where she swore she saw the clock actually go backwards. Her classmates and their gossip annoyed her, her teachers and assignments were tedious. Between keeping herself busy with school and GLEE she was barely sleeping. On top of all that was Sam, who she had not stopped thinking about but was still blatantly ignoring.

Day to day, hell, minute to minute, Rachel's feelings never seemed to stay in one place long enough for her to make sense of them. Quinn hadn't so much as looked at her sideways in the halls since their meeting in the locker room, but every time Rachel saw the blonde headcheerleader, she felt a little sick. Left over feelings of insecurity, no doubt, given that she still firmly believed that Sam and Quinn would rekindled their relationship anytime now. With their relationship on hold, the constant anxiety over wether or not she had overeacted still hung on her shoulders.

Mostly, though, she just missed Sam. It had all started in the morning when she woke up, a dull ache that grew throughout the day until she couldn't fall asleep at night without shedding a few tears. At least once a day she caught herself reaching for her cell to text him or call him about the most random things, forgetting for a moment that they were…what? That was just one of many problems. The exhausting question that always had her putting the phone down and setting aside the thought for later. What were they now? In a fight? On a break? Broken up? The doubts plagued her to the point where – like now – Rachel wondered fleetingly if all the stress was even worth it. What were their odds of surviving as a couple beyond high school anyway? She didn't know exactly, but she figured they weren't good and the notion of going through all this drama just to break up with him after Senior Year seemed pointless.

But the pain the idea of being without him momentarily took her breath away. Rachel gripped the cool metal of her open locker door and blinked away hot tears. Pushing the thought aside, she automatically dug in her purse for her keys only to belatedly remember that her car was in the shop.

"Rachel, are you okay?"a worried Mr. Shue asked.

Rachel sighed and unearthed her Sociology textbook from the bottom of her locker. "No, Mr. Shue I'm not. I'm a wreck, can't you see!".

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, these past few days just haven't been my best." She confessed.

"Rachel, it's fine," the curly haired teacher replied with a hint of a frown on his lips, "Want to talk about it?"

"No, I have this project due for Sociology next period, so I'll just skip lunch again and work on it right now." she explained, shutting her locker door and heading in the direction of the library where she'd be working. The route took her by Sam's locker and even though it was the same nondescript, industrial red locker as those surrounding it, the small rectangular door called out to her like a neon sign.

She froze and after a moment, without thinking, she asked. ", if you had to do it over, would you still have married Terri? Even if you knew it was going to end on bad terms?"

There was a long pause and nothing was spoken in the empty hallway, during which Rachel's face flamed as her incredibly personal words sunk in. "Oh, God, shouldn't have asked…I'm sorry. Forget I-."

"Of course I would," her spanish teacher interrupted with hollow cheer. "I ended up becoming the mentor of New Directons and got to meet Mrs. Pillsbury along the way."

Rachel rolled her eyes, but genuinely smiled. "That's cute, but that's not an answer."

"Well, it's happens for a reason and it all ends up working out for the best." Will Shuester said and suddenly he felt a bit embarrassed at getting way to personal with a student. Rachel took the silence between them as her que to leave but before she walked away, she heard her teacher sighed and spoke quite calmly, "Even knowing that it would end, and I would dissapoint my parents for getting a divorce, I wouldn't change a thing."

"Why not?" she pressed, her curiosity and need for guidance for her current situation getting the best of her. "If you could avoid all that drama that she caused you and the broken heart…why not ?"

"Because…Rachel…you can't live your life in fear of what might happen," Will replied, incredulity clear in every word. "Even though my first marriage didn't have a happily ever after, it doesn't meant it is the same for everyone. Where's this coming from, anyway? Does this have something to do with you and Sam not being attached to the hip anymore? "

Rachel tore her gaze away from Sam's locker and took off down the hall at a brisk pace, her low heeled sandals clicking on the tiled floor with each step. "Nowhere. It's-nevermind. I've got to go, Mr. Shue I'll see you in Glee later."

"Okay," Mr. Shue said uneasily. "If you need to vent, I'm here to help."

"I've got it covered now, but I will keep it in mind," Rachel promised and ended the conversation. Her sluggish brain chugged back to life as she stowed her book on her purse and the quick steps turned into a run. In record time she blew through the doors of the cafeteria and impatiently scanned the tables until she found Mercede's familiar crop of dark brown hair. In a frenzied whirlwind of books and pencils, she dropped her belongings and whispered to her wide eyed friend.

"I am an idiot."

"So," Mercedes prompted, folding her arms.

"Explain to me why you decided you're an idiot," She leaned forward on the table and rested her chin on her folded arms. "all the guys leave the table and gives us girls some privacy." the African American girl ordered and all the guys immediately left the table.

Rachel hesitated. The giddiness of revelation that had carried her into the cafeteria with such frenzy was slowly fading. Now, the nagging second-guessing that had plagued her every move since seeing Quinn and Sam kiss at the game was quickly coming back and invading her mind.. Mercedes's wide brown eyes were upon her, unwavering under all the other Glee girl's eyes as well.

"Why have you all been so quiet about this whole…mess with Sam?" she asked, trying to stall for time. Not exactly an answer to Mercede's question, but at least she'd been able to say his name out loud.

Such a trivial thing, yet I find myself missing calling out to him in the halls or anytime I see him for that matter!

Her friends lifted their brows in surprise. "Um…because we can't tell you what to do." they all said in unison.

"Since when?" Rachel scoffed with a smile. "Each and every one of you has done it at some point."

Santana rolled her eyes. "I don't know about them but maybe I'm growing as a person and trying not to stick my nose into other people's business."

"Satan" She grumbled.

"Fine," the latina raised her hands in submission and slumped back, almost falling in the process. "I told you what I thought you should do, remember?"

Rachel did. Vividly. In fact, she could recall Santana's exact words after she'd spilled her guts and her tears. Talk to him. Get the truth. This is just Quinn being Quinn and Sam was a pawn in her game. A very stupid pawn, but a pawn nonetheless. Through the sobs and hiccups of spent emotion, Rachel had promised to do so, but one day led into the next and before she knew what was happening two weeks had passed. Sam certainly hadn't made things easy for her with his amazing disappearing act from eating with everyone at lunch, but that was a lame excuse. She had his number and they had Glee and those two classes together.

"I should have listened to all of you," Rachel sighed. "I should have stayed back after the game and talked things out instead of letting it turn into…this."

"It's got a life of its own now doesn't it," Tina nodded sagely. "It's bigger than just one unwanted kiss at a football game."

"It always was," Rachel admitted and before doubt got in the way, she plunged headlong into the winding series of events at the heart of the problem. Starting with how she was trying so hard to prove her Finn and all the other haters wrong, but in fact she had only given people like Quinn more power and played right into her trap. Then on to how she kept comparing herself to Quinn, and how it always seemed like it was only a matter of time before Sam ditched her just like Finn had. All the girls listened silently, but their eyes grew wider with each word until Rachel feared they might fall out of their heads and drop on the the thin carpet below. When she got to the most recent development and confessed that she had started to wonder if salvaging the relationship was worth the inevitable pain, her newest friend waved her arms and broke her silence.

"Okay, okay, just…stop," Lauren cried far too loudly, inadvertently gathering unwanted attention from everyone else. A handful of students paused their conversations long enough to look up from their their plates and look in their direction. She didn't acknowledge them, but lowered her voice marginally. "I'm not even going to touch the fact that you failed to tell any of us how you were really feeling, we thought it was unicorns and rainbows with you two!"

"It was; He was sweet and caring to me all the time but I can't help feeling like I am not good enough for him." Rachel said almost crying, but Lauren wasn't having any of it. She reached across the table and grabbed her arm.

"That is the understatement of the millennium," she said, her expressive eyes blazing with incredulity.

"Stop letting Quinn and all those ugly thoughts ruin your life, we can all see Sam actually loves you. You love him too"

"It's not that easy," she protested, stung by how none of the girls looked like they were on her side.

"Why?" They all asked.

"Because I don't know why Sam's with me!" she finally cried. Unwanted tears burned her eyes and she blinked furiously to banish them away. She was so sick of crying.

Brittany stared at her in confusion. "What do you mean, you don't know why?"

Rachel drew a frustrated breath, searching for the words. "I'm not Quinn. Sam could have any girl he wanted-."

Santana raised a brow in challenge. "Uh, no he couldn't."

"You know what I mean," she pressed, undaunted by Santana's lame attempt at cheering her up.

"There are plenty of girls who are…prettier than me, more adventurous than me…more experienced than me… I'm not his type at all. And it wasn't Quinn who pointed that out to me. I've always known it. It was easier to ignore when he was actually by my side and telling me that all this was just in my head and that it wasn't true. But now I can't stop thinking about it. What the hell is a hot and caring guy like Sam Evans doing with me?"

Suddenly they all just stared, speechless, and their expressions switching to shock. The silent seconds stretched into a full minute and beyond, during which Rachel tried to reign in her tumultuous thoughts in. The outburst that had inspired this conversation had been liberating, a release from everything that had been weighing her down. She fought to get back to that feeling because what she had finally understood wasn't that she was an idiot for risking her heart by giving it to someone like Sam, who was obviously way more popular. She was an idiot for doubting him at all.

Before she could put that sentiment into words, however, She heard an all too familiar voice from behind her speak to her for the first time in two weeks. "Rachel, I've had those same fears in my head too, but I don't let them control me. If you look hard enough you're always going to find reasons why we shouldn't be, so just stop ok? I do love you and you are so beautiful and all around the best thing that has ever happened to me. If anyone is an idiot, it's me for letting Quinn get in the middle of my first shot at real love."

At that all the girls that had heard what Sam say couldn't help but awww.

"I know you do love me" she agreed and the admission released the vice that had been clamped around her chest, trapping her lungs, her heart, and making each breath for the past two weeks a painful struggle. "That'swhy I am an idiot. I shouldn't have doubted our love so easily."

Sensing that this was conversation was quickly becoming for just the two loved bird, they all left the table. Giving them some private alone time in the process.

"I want you to know… that I'm sorry.," he confessed, frowning and looking down instead of directly at her. Rachel almost couldn't hear him through the blood rushing to her head. She'd imagined this conversation so many times the reality of actually having it left her breathless. Sam turned his head, just enough to look at her. Up close she could see the shadows under his eyes and the weary set of his jaw. Clearly exhausted, his words and tone spoke of someone who had no time left for pride and nothing left to lose. "These past two weeks sucked. I miss you and I…it hurts. I want you back. But I know I hurt you too and…if-if you're not ready or can't trust me or whatever, I-I get it."

"You did hurt me," she admitted with difficulty. The obvious pain behind his words made her ache to fix it with immediate assurances that really, this was all her fault, but she deserved an apologyand needed to hear it first. Tentatively, she put her hand on his bicep, the need for some form of contact too powerful to ignore. "But I miss you, too and I do trust you, Sam. No matter what, I should have let you explain instead of pushing you so far away."

"Why didn't you?" he asked, blue eyes clouded with a hint of accusation that exposed how deep his pain went. Stubbornly, he kept his arms planted on his side, hands balled in a fist. "Did you really think I could cheat on you like that?"

The steady stream of students exiting the cafeteria as the bell was heard in the distance distracted her for a second while she wrestled with how to explain.

"You want the truth?" Rachel asked, trying to ignore the way her entire body wanted to curl into his.

" Of course," Sam nodded. This was risky. It might be too much too soon, but she wouldn't give Finn or Quinn the satisfaction of invading her life again, the least she could do is admit to all of the truths, already a part of her, that he'd awakened. She drew a breath and struggled to speak above a whisper. "You…us…it scares me."

His arm tensed beneath her fingers and just as she'd expected, Sam started to pull away. His eyes morphed from warm blue to ice. "I scare you?"

"Not like you think," she promised him quickly, truthfully. "I'm not…afraid of you. I'm afraid…I was afraid because seeing you with Quinn again just reminded me of all the reasons we're the hottest gossip at Mckinley. Even now, when we've been apart for two weeks, it's all anybody talks about."

"What do you mean?"

"Like I said I'm not Quinn," Rachel shrugged helplessly, wishing there was a better way to explain that didn't make her sound like a needy, pathetic loser. "I'm not wild or dangerous or exciting or experienced, but I love you so much and that scares me, too. I got caught up in…in wondering why. In trying to figure out why you were with me and being who I thought you wanted. I obsessed about it so much I forgot what mattered most."

Sam stared at her with narrowed eyes, a slight frown furrowing his brow. She wanted to look away, to protect her heart from his probing gaze, but she kept her focus stubbornly on his face. Finally, he pushed off the wall he had been leaning on and faced her. The hand on his arm traveled down the length of hers and she thought she would lose contact altogether. At the last moment, he caught her fingers, twining them with his. He licked his lips and started to speak once, twice before he finally decided what to say. "What-what matters, Rachel?"

"That you already know me," she said with an amazed laugh. How could it have taken her so long to figure this out? Or maybe she'd always known and just needed to remember. "You knew all my faults and had seen me at my worst before we even dated."

Sam's features softened, although he still regarded her with a wary expression. The corner of his mouth hooked just slightly upwards. "So, basically, you're saying I already knew what I was getting into."

"More or less," she shrugged, holding back a smirk as the tight fist of anxiety loosened in her stomach. Daring a little more, she reached for his other hand. "You know everything and love me anyway. At least you did. If the way I acted changed that-."

"It didn't," he promised and cutting her off in one swift motion, pulling her closer. The soles of her sandals slapped against the pavement as she tripped over her feet at the unexpected move and nearly careened into his chest. Not that she really would have minded. She missed that chest and all the strength and protection that came with it.

Breathless with a new and much more favorable type of anticipation, she lifted her gaze to his, taking a slight detour at his lips. Sam held her, their hands trapped between their bodies and gave her the shortest of seconds to balk, pull away, or do anything to stop him. By that time Rachel wanted Sam to kiss her so badly they could have been engulfed in flames and she wouldn't have cared.

"I love you. I never stopped," he murmured, taking in every line, every curve of her face. Involuntarily, Rachel closed her eyes, the lashes fluttering as his breath caressed her lips. She tried to return the sentiment, but the words got lost as his mouth found hers and suddenly the world was on fire. Sam released her hands and every place he touched her through the flimsy white sundress radiated heat. The shouting studentsand everything else…all of it faded into nothing as she got lost in the kiss. Screw apologies. When she fought her way past all the bullshit, this is what mattered. Sam's arms around her, holding her close, making her melt. Greedily, she framed his face and pulled him closer, kissing him back with everything she had.

When they finally parted,Rachel's petite body was trapped between Sam and the wall she was leaning on. One of his hands was buried in her hair, the other firmly around her waist to hold her body flush to his.

"So, can we be done with this whole not speaking, not seeing each other thing?" he asked, one eyebrow raised in that cocky way that made her want to punch him and kiss him again all at once. But his fingers traced her lips almost reverently and she could feel his pulse racing beneath her hand on his chest.

"Well, I don't know about speaking, but I want to see a whole lot of you very, very soon," she promised, pulling him in for another scorching kiss.

"What was that about not being exciting?" Sam teased when they came up for air. Rachel blushed, feeling the burn to the roots of her hair and she realized she had even missed that the past two weeks without him.

The cafeteria was quiet now and for the first time something other than Sam crossed her mind. "Yeah, well, this exciting girl is going to be late for her sociology class and will have to turn in her project late because she didn't finish it."

Sam groaned and dropped his head to her shoulder. Rachel giggled and bit back a moan when he pressed a kiss to her shoulder, working his way up her throat to eventually whisper in her ear. "Are you sure you can't just skip it all together?"

Rachel couldn't think straight enough to answer, so she dragged his lips back to hers, kissing him slowly and savoring every taste. The longer they stood there, wrapped up in each other's arms and ignoring the rest of the world, the more complete she felt. Every hurt, small and large, was being healed by his lips as they caressed her jaw, his teeth as it scraped her bottom lip and his tongue as it dueled with hers.

"Forget it," she murmured, gasping as he paid attention to the sensitive spot just behind her ear.

"What?"

"I said forget it," Rachel gently pulled him back to meet her eye. "The only place I want to be today is with you."

Sorry if their are any mistakes, its kind of later right now and I was sick while writing this. lol so hopefully it does not suck. As you can see no song in this chapter but their will probably be two in the next one. Coming up next is my version of Blame it on the Alcohol! And beware, their will be a lot of drama and an unexpected twist. ;) Thanks for still reading The Curious Case of Rachel Berry. The support and reviews I get is what pushes me forward. I will resume working on the next chapter in two days. Hopefully I wont be as sick...

Sincerely,

The Wonderful Mistique