Wow, an update! And yes, it does look like they'll be getting more regular! After this, I still have three of the old chapters, and then I have two new ones I wrote in February! Huzzah! I'll try my hardest to keep them coming, but my beta reader is having severe computer problems and there are big delays in editing.

I LIKE TRAINS!

I LIKE TRAINS!

Inaccurate/SpamFic! Jack

I LIKE TRAINS!

In the year 1500, Captain Jack Sparrow sat in a tavern named The Faithful Bride. This tavern was on the island of Tortuga, off the coast of Mexico, which had recently become a country. He was fresh from his exploits with his friends from Port Royal, a friendly trading town on the coast of Florida dominated by the vicious Spanish navy. He had briefly considered going east to Jamaica, but had decided that for the time being, it would be best to give his loyal crew a rest and scrape the clams off the bottom of his beloved corsair, the Black pearl.

After knocking back a few rounds of vodka, Jack wandered out of the tavern and into the street. Before he left, he tipped the serving wench with a gold nugget and a slap on the ass, as was the custom of the time. He wandered into uptown Tortuga, the home of many rich and famous fishermen, including King Henry the Eighth and Julius Caesar. He sauntered into the house of James Norrington, and they had a rousing round of charades. After Norrington guessed correctly that Jack was doing an impression of a starving Eskimo, Jack left in utter defeat and went to go collect the Pearl and his crew.

Along the way, he met Elizabeth, daughter of the mayor of Port Royal, Gilligan Swann. She asked him out on a date, and he felt that he could not refuse, and they went to the nearest restaurant for fine cuisine, which happened to be the tavern The Faithful Bride. They both ate many plates of delicious gyros. Jack thought that he and Elizabeth would become an item for sure and be gossiped about all up and down Wall Street, but then Paparazzi popped out at them from behind a building corner and snapped a black and white photo of them together. Elizabeth was not willing to deal with the scandal that would ensue this early in the relationship, and dumped Jack for Enrique, a cook at the tavern, and a known rapist and murderer.

Depressed by his loss, Jack swore to go on a quest to find the lost treasure of the great pirate Long John Silver, who, according to legend, had hid it in his left boot, which had been nicked at his hanging. It was reported that the perpetrator had been a greasy old drunken blacksmith who had used his steam-powered omni-tongs to pluck it off of Silver's foot as he kicked at the air. Nobody noticed because his assistant had released crazy purple knockout gas. The two of them had stayed conscious by wearing old surplus gas masks from World War 1.

The greasy old drunken blacksmith had then cleverly hidden the treasure-laden boot up the rear of a donkey.

Haha, the ass of an ass. It's funny because it's lame and recycled.

Anyway, Jack set out to recover the Lost Left Shoe and restore Democracy to nearby Australia. He waded through a stream to get to Singapore and retrieve his crewmembers, who were enjoying their shore leave with the help of many women who sputtered and rolled around on the ground because their corsets were too damn tight.

They set off in the Pearl, which was a now sparkling clean galleon, covered in various mosaics of Roman gods playing croquet. They sailed east and west across the Indian Ocean searching for Alaska, where they were sure to find the lost treasure. They finally ran aground on some docks. Jack was greatly disappointed in his crew, since he recognized the place they were at. It was none other than sunny Port Royal, Florida!

Jack figured that he might as well poke around while his crew was putting the ship on hydraulic jacks so that they could see what damage had been done to the mast. He wandered up the main street, which was lined with vendors selling beads and priceless pirate gold. None of them had what Jack was looking for, so he went to the nearest tavern, the Drunken Clam, and sat around listening to tales from infamous pirates while he nursed his martini.

Jack soon tired of this because no one was talking about his many adventures with Sir Francis Drake, when they had fought together against the Chinese in the great Chinese Pirate Wars. France had sponsored them to defeat the Asians, and they had done a very good job of it.

So Jack went to go see Will, who was in the blacksmith place using what looked suspiciously like omni-tongs to shoe a donkey with an alarmingly stretched out sphincter.

"So you have the treasure of Long John Silver!" cried Jack upon seeing this sight.

"Eh what?" asked Will, caught off guard.

"Donkey. Sphincter. Omni-tongs. Long John Silver's corpse hanging from a rope out front, missing its left shoe" explained Jack helpfully.

"Ah," said Will. "Yes. I have the lost treasure here, but you shall never hold it and call upon its power!"

"Crap," replied Jack.

"For you see," continued Will, "I am not really William Turner."

"No?" wondered Jack. "Then how come you know how to be a blacksmith, and do blacksmithy things, like building a chair?"

"I don't," replied Will. "It's all an illusion! Mind over matter, eh wot? People come in here expecting to see swords, so they see swords. In reality, these are all only sticks I found in the dump."

"And what about this donkey?" asked Jack. "Is it really a donkey?"

"Yes," replied Will. "What the hell do you think this is?"

"So who are you, really?" inquired Jack.

"I am really..." Will threw off his disguise, a parrot unfolding itself and standing on his shoulder, "Long John Silver himself!"

"Then who helped with the crazy purple knockout gas, and whose skeleton is that outside?" demanded Jack.

"The skeleton is actually a goat," replied Will.

"That would explain the hooves," admitted Jack. "And the helper?"

"That was me!" exclaimed Mr. Brown, stepping out of the shadows. "For I am really Elizabeth!"

"No you're not!" objected Jack.

"Yes I am!" cried Brown, throwing off his disguise and revealing the fact that he really was Elizabeth. However, he/she kind of grabbed the Elizabeth clothes along with the disguise and had to dive back into the shadows when she realized she was naked.

"Then who the hell is the Elizabeth I've been hanging out with?" blurted Jack.

"It was I!" shouted Elizabeth, yanking off her Elizabeth disguise to reveal...Elizabeth. Unfortunately, she made the same mistake as the first time, so it was back to the shadows for her.

"Jack, you've been living a lie!" screeched the parrot on Long John's shoulder. "For I am really...Captain Jack Sparrow!"

It whipped off its parrot mask and revealed itself to truly be Jack Sparrow. Long John Silver collapsed under the weight of the other man standing on his shoulder.

"Wha...?" cried Jack. "Then who the hell am I!"

"Well, it's obvious, you nitwit!" snapped Jack Sparrow. "You're Charlie Chaplin, of course!"

Charlie Chaplin's Jack Sparrow disguise fell away, revealing the little tramp. He looked down at himself, accepted the situation with a little shrug, and sauntered off into the sunset, twirling his little cane.

Poor little guy, he can never get a break.

I LIKE TRAINS!

I LIKE TRAINS!

I hope that this chapter wasn't as painful to read as it was to write. If you know anything about history, pirates, or really pretty much anything, it probably was. I hope you'll all forgive me for this chapter. I've been really busy and I needed to buy some time on this parody, so I just sat down and wrote this garbage. MysticButtCrystal helped, though.