A/N: Firstly, to everyone affected I'm sorry I had to do it to you. Now Joss has to find a way to reconcile John's mission and hers. FYI - I believe the man in the picture in 1.09 was her father. As always, enjoy x

Tuesday, 2.30pm, Joss' apartment

"...with all the problems of the day, how can we go on? So tired of hearing people say, how can we go on? Fantasy people, make believe people. How can you go on? But you're still livin'..."

Joss flicked her head back from the cold water; she needed the sensation to remember she was alive, this was really happened and it wasn't a dream. Baduizm had been playing on a loop since she slammed the front door shut that morning, fell to her knees and let out a wail loud enough for God and her neighbours to hear. She cried for him and for herself.

"You really did it this time John," she thought to herself as she blotted her swollen eyes with a wet flannel. Knowing she had brought it on herself; the moment she asked for the truth, she started the countdown on their demise. In fact before then: the moment she went looking for him, tracking him, she had entangled herself in the web. The man in the suit was once more a killer for hire, with the US government playing carrot and stick with his future. They had tortured him and infiltrated his mind.

And he'd told her not to wait. He had committed to his mission leaving her, like Jessica, behind. And she now had a mission of her own: to protect Walker. She had no choice in the matter but to learn to live without him. The first step was taken: falling asleep in a ball on the floor three hours ago. Her reflection in the mirror was telling; the crust around her bloodshot eyes, the small cut where she bit her lip with worry and the lump in her throat. She thanked God Taylor wasn't around to see her like this. "Taylor," she thought. She scrolled through her phones. He had sent her four unanswered texts at lunch.

- You're back already?

- What happened? Are you okay?

- What did he do?

- Where are you? I'm coming home, right after school.

She hurriedly replied.

You have finals. Stay in school, pick you up at 5.

5.00pm, Hiba Restaurant, Brooklyn

He hugged her on sight, because she looked a mess and he could tell something was very wrong. It was in the eyes, he knew she'd been crying. "I'm glad you're back Ma."

"Me too baby."

He ordered chicken shawarma for them but she couldn't eat. She sipped on mint tea, her stomach still churning. "What happened?"

"It's complicated."

"On Facebook, that means it's a mess. Did you fight?"

"Not exactly. We need different things."

"Now I know why you say a man's word is his bond."

"What do you mean?"

"How can he say you're never alone when he bailed on you? You deserve so much better Mom."

"Thanks babe. Enough about me, okay? What's new?"

"The Prom theme is Great Gatsby. C.J.'s getting a Rolls Royce limo."

She didn't have the energy to protest. "Talk to your father."

He finished his plate while hers was still full. "That was way better than kelp noodles for dinner. Ma, are you okay?"

"I'll be alright."

6.20pm, Paul's House, Elmhurst, New York

Paul had invited Joss in a handful of times in the past and each time was to discuss something serious. This was the first time she had looked any less than self-assured, calm and collected. She noticed how different it looked from the time she left Taylor in his care; Monique had put her earthy stamp on the place. He gave her apple juice for her shaken nerves. They sat at the kitchen table in a comfortable silence. "Are you okay Joss?"

"It's...that time of year again. I know Mom wants us to visit the cemetery as a family. You're welcome to come."

"When?"

"Next Saturday. I'm off."

"I can't believe it's been 16 years. I'm sorry I missed the funeral."

"You were at war Paul."

"Still. I wish I'd been there to pay my respects. He was a father to me."

"I know. You were the son he never had."

"I wouldn't miss it for anything."

"Great."

"Are you sure that's all?"

Her posture shifted into an awkward crouch. "I can cover about three years' tuition but I need help."

The latter part of her sentence barely came out. He could tell she'd been wrestling with it for some time. "Capped out on overtime huh?" He joked, to lighten the mood. "Some things never change." She smiled. "I set-up a 529 plan for Taylor in '07 so don't worry Joss, it's taken care of."

"Thanks."

7.00pm, Finch's Penthouse, Tribeca.

Shaw was sitting on the counter, eating a slice of chocolate cake. "I already told you he's in the trunk of my car for a reason."

"And what reason is that Shaw?"

"Method acting. He's acting like he tried to attack Paulette Foster for being on when he made her the star of his weird play. Act 2 scene 1: imitation Kenneth Branagh mulls over his broken fingers long enough not to do it again. And scene."

He shook his head with greater things on his mind. "Detective Carter has been back for 10 hours and still has not made contact. Not even a courtesy call."

"She took it hard." She replied knowingly. He swung around in his chair to face her. "I made the mistake of tuning in earlier, I didn't know a person could make that sound without dying soon after."

"How did it sound?"

"Like her right hand had been cut off. I don't think she'll come back to us."

"Us?"

8.20pm, Paul's House, Elmhurst, New York

Paul sat at the same table with the leading lady in his life, who had been stewing like she had been demoted to understudy since she took Amy outside with the phrase "as a family" ringing in her ears. "You didn't even discuss it with me."

"There's no discussion. It's Taylor's college money, I should've told her sooner."

"Why didn't you?"

"I never know what she needs until she asks. What's this really about?"

"Did you hear what the doctor called me at the check-up? Mrs. Carter."

"It was an accident."

"That's the point. Everywhere I go I'm reminded. Even in my own house."

"Fine, we won't talk here if it upsets you."

"That's not it. I need to know where I stand."

"I love you. We're a family, that's where we stand."

"Will you ever change your mind?"

"I don't know but I do know you don't want to be left behind, waiting on the couch all day for someone who's not coming. And you don't want that to happen to Amy."

"No I don't."

"That's not a foundation to build a marriage on. Right now we're supposed to be a team." Amy's stirring and cry came through on the monitor. "I've got it."

9.00pm, Perennial Hotel, Manhattan

Joss checked in as Violet Anderson and was given a key for room 1703 as his message instructed. Instead of a bed, minibar and plasma TV, there were large boards, computers, desks and a DoD issued body scanner. Walker pointed the gun at her unnecessarily; she removed her weapons and shoes and walked through it, clearing the security check.

"It's a formality." Walker said.

"Don't have to tell me twice."

He handed her a contract. "Before I issue your clearance I need to know you are committed to this operation and understand its importance."

She quickly read through. "Pretty standard T&Cs. Except, I wasn't paid that much in the Army." She signed in four places.

"Your government thanks you for your service. We're officially partners." She didn't respond. He continued. "Have you been undercover before?"

She thought back to her off-the-books, out-of-town work with John and Finch. "Yes I have."

"Then you know I need you and you need me." She nodded. "We share an interest Carter, we're both invested in the success of this operation. It's a matter o national security." She started to feel light-headed and leaned on the desk for support. "Please sit, you don't look like yourself. Although, you're handling it much better than most."

She sat and tried to breathe slowly and deeply. He gave her a chicken sandwich on seeded bread which she refused on sight. "Don't worry It's nut free. I read it in your profile. You haven't eaten today." From that she knew she was being followed as well as studied. She ate a small bite. "You're still in shock. Ginger ale?" She nodded. "And you shouldn't drive in this state."

She sipped. "You've been studying me right? Then you should know I can do anything if my son's around, I can hold it together for him if no-one else."

He blinked at the beautiful contradiction she was. "Notwithstanding, I've arranged a driver to take you and your car home."

"Did you arrange my leave with Captain Miller?"

"Indirectly. You still have until the end of next week. It looks like you'll need it."

Her stomach stopped gurgling. "What do you need from me Walker?"

"Trust. And help."

"Be more specific." She gestured for another drink. He obliged.

"Trust meaning don't ask me about John; it will make it harder for you and me. And help at the Precinct; I stick out like a sore thumb. It seems no-one likes evidence guys."

She skipped past his first request, she wasn't in the mood to trust anyone. "You're too outspoken about the cases. You rush to judgement when you don't know the facts and get on your soapbox. What they don't like is you walking around with your chest puffed out expecting props everywhere you turn. But if that's your thing; go with it."

He swallowed, surprised at her honesty. "What do you suggest I do differently on your return?"

"Not much. If you show up as Miss Congeniality they'll sniff you out." She drank some more. "How about you replace my shirt, the one you ruined? Hang it on my chair before I arrive. And don't boast about it. In fact, don't say anything. It'll say enough."

"Noted. You can call me Mars you know."

She made a small concession and extended her hand. "Joss." He shook it.

10.00pm, Paul's House, Elmhurst, New York

Taylor finished unloading the dishwasher and interrupted Paul's puzzle solving on the tablet. "What's so good about sudoku anyway? You could sit there for hours."

"A place for everything and everything in its place. That's what Papa Joe used to say."

"That's what you called him?" Taylor asked about the maternal grandfather he had no memories, just pictures of. The one he grew to look more like every day.

He smiled. "Just in private. I called him Colonel mostly."

Taylor treaded lightly on another area Joss wouldn't explore with him. "What about your dad? You only mention him when we're building or fixing something."

Paul was taken aback by the astute observation. He cleared his throat at the realisation that his son was watching and reading him for longer than he realised. "That's what he taught us, me and Eddie. He could build or fix anything with his hands and his toolbox. But he didn't have an education, I don't even think he had dreams. Just piece work to support us."

"What's piece work?"

"Working job to job, whenever and wherever you're needed. He never knew when or if he'd be working. We were barely getting by."

"Couldn't Grandma work?"

"He wouldn't let her." He could tell Taylor didn't understand the concept. "Life was tough on him and he took it out on her. We couldn't help her we were just scared little kids."

"Why did he do that?"

"I'll never understand. All I know is I swore I'd never do that to any woman. So when I was arrested I was mad, but I understood."

"Why didn't anyone stop him or call the police? Why didn't she leave?"

"It was a different time. She was all he had and he wouldn't let go. When I left home I never looked back. And it was all going pretty well too; I went to college, met your mom. And I knew she was the One: I had to have her." Taylor made an awkward face. "For life, Taylor."

"Oh. Right."

"She was strong and pure. Her heart was so pure. Papa Joe, he trusted me to take care of his daughter."

"So what happened?"

"I saw things in the field. And when I got home I couldn't forget. Everyday I saw things I'd hidden away, even my father, and I was becoming him: angry at the world and out-of-control. The thing is Papa Joe died before he could see what I'd become."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"I didn't want you to think less of me or fear me. You'll be a man soon, responsible for your own actions. It's up to you to decide what kind of man you want to be."

10.30pm, Joss' apartment

The nausea rose through her body like a tidal wave, she landed over the porcelain just in time. She vomited violently until there was nothing left to bring up. She massaged her sore throat and flushed. She felt a tender hand on her shoulder but she didn't flinch; she knew that nurturing touch too well. Wiping her mouth she turned around to face the only other person with keys to her home. "Taylor was right to call me." She surveyed her face. "Mmm-hmm you are in a bad way. But it's nothing you can't overcome. Is it?" Joss shook her head. "Good. I already know what happened Jocelyn; you found your wounded bird couldn't be healed after all. You never learn, no matter how hard I tried to teach you you can't save everybody. And it broke your heart. Again." Joss nodded at her mother; she was speaking the truth. "But that's okay baby, it's how you're made. And everything is going to be alright."

10.30pm, Ashland, Aroostook County, Maine

The cabin had been cleaned by the agents who extracted the grenades earlier that evening, leaving no trace of what had transpired there. John took one last sniff of her sorority t-shirt, taking in her scent one last time. He put in on the small fire he'd started in the woods and watched it burn from blue and white to black. It fed the fire for some time until it was unrecognisable. He then doused it, and got into the black SUV, to start his mission.