James and I found Beth and Sirius sitting in the living room when we got back from my parents' house. I was weary but also agitated. Emotionally, I felt battered but adrenalin was coursing through my body giving me nervous energy I didn't know what to do with.

"You okay?" Sirius asked gruffly. Sirius acted tough but he was one of the most loyal and caring wizards to his friends I had ever met.

"I'm functioning," I said unsteadily. "I think that's the most I can expect right now."

"Would you like anything?" James had been treating me as if I was about to break since the incident. Not that I could blame him. Maybe I had broken. "Food, drinks?"

"I'm not hungry," I dropped onto the couch. Without further preamble, I told Sirius and Beth what we'd learned from my parents. They sat in shock, identical expressions of empathy and horror on their faces. Beth moved next to me and hugged me without speaking. Sirius picked up his wand and made one of his socks fly around, smashing into the walls. His knuckles were white on his wand.

"Lily," Beth finally spoke gently. "You need professional help."

"No, I don't," I protested. I jumped up from the couch unable to sit still. "I can handle this on my own."

"You're having flashbacks and headaches. You're not eating," Beth rejoined. Her voice was kind but firm. She must have been rehearsing this in her head for a while. "You need to work through this consciously so it won't keep haunting you."

"I don't want to!" I cried. "It's too painful to think about." I hugged my arms around myself defensively, pacing a few steps.

James put his arm around me and gave Beth a withering stare. "If Lily doesn't want to see a therapist, she doesn't have to."

Beth didn't wither. She shot him a weighted look. "You're not helping her by coddling her. Obviously she doesn't want to see a therapist. She needs to."

James frowned and his voice became stubborn. "No, she doesn't. She'll be fine."

Beth stood up. "Lily, have you been having nightmares about this?"

I felt as if I'd been stabbed. I gaped at her then turned to James, feeling betrayed. "You told her?"

"No!" James held me tighter. "I haven't told anyone."

Relief coursed through me and I let my body relax in his arms. Beth continued relentlessly. "James didn't have to tell me. Your eyes are anguished and your face looks drawn every morning since the first time you remembered."

James' arm went taut over my shoulder. I swallowed, refusing to meet her eyes.

Beth broke the silence. "Lily, I don't think you can shelve this."

"It will hurt her too much to drag it out," James said tersely.

"It's already causing her to be in pain," Beth said. Over her shoulder I could see Sirius hovering unsure if he should join this fracas. I was pretty sure he agreed in theory with James but wanted to support Beth. "She's tougher than you're giving her credit for." Beth kept her tone even although her face was distressed. "She needs to get this pervert out of her head."

"How is bringing it up over and over going to make it go away?" James yelled. His eyes glinted dangerously behind his glasses.

"It may not ever go away," Beth admitted soberly. "But Lily will be able to handle the memory better with a therapist's help. She'll learn how to deal with it, and it won't have the power to frighten her as much. And she needs to be sure she won't hurt anyone else."

"What are you talking about?" James spat, sounding insulted. "It's Lily! She'd never hurt anyone."

"Witches and wizards have enormous power with magic," Beth said. Her voice shook but she continued doggedly. "Lily beat up the guys who set off her memory pretty bad."

"They deserved it," James growled. "They were going to hurt Lily and Trudi."

"I'm not disputing that," Beth replied. I could tell she was struggling to stay composed and she shot me an apologetic look. "But what if something set Lily off and she shot off a spell that hurt a person who wasn't doing anything wrong? What if they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"That would never happen," James protested. "I'll never let her hurt someone."

James' words echoed in my mind. I'll never let her hurt someone. I took a sharp breath feeling as if a bucket of cold water had been poured on my head. He'd said almost the same thing when I had ripped him apart about letting Remus run outside when he was a werewolf. My throat tightened. I was a hypocrite and even worse, I was a coward as well. Remus didn't even have a choice. He couldn't learn to control his mind when he was a werewolf. Whereas I could recover from this. I could face my past, I could let myself remember the worst thing that had ever happened to me and I could learn to manage it instead of letting it have power over me.

I looked at James, his face furious as he fought for me. He always battled for me, trying with all his heart to protect me, help me or make my world better. But I had to take on this fight myself. Being born a muggle, I had never taken for granted how much power being a witch brought me. Beth was so right. I couldn't hide from this anymore.

"Not every sodding issue needs to be discussed to death," James was still arguing. He was glowering at Beth in a way that would have made most people retreat.

"This isn't a little issue," Beth returned James' look steadily. "It's been over ten years and Lily's having nightmares and flashbacks. She needs to work this out."

"You don't need to browbeat her," James snapped. He was incensed, his nostrils flaring.

"I'm not," Beth sounded guilty for the first time. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm telling you what I truly believe is best for you."

Tears came to my eyes as I looked at Beth. "I know," I said my throat thick. My heart raced as I thought about what it would be like to dredge up this painful memory. Every time the feel of that hand over my mouth came back to me, the thoughtless terror swamped my body. And the alternative? It hadn't been working to ignore it so far. I didn't want to have to worry about this memory coming back whenever something set me off, or that I would lose control again. I couldn't take the chance that I would hurt someone.

I looked up at James. "She's right, James. I need to do this."

James shook his head, his eyes full of love and worry. "No, you don't luv."

I took a deep breath making myself exhale slowly. "Believe me, if I thought I could get better without putting myself through this, I would. But the memories have been rearing up stronger each time. I'm afraid…..afraid it will keep getting worse." I blinked back tears and used the words I knew would make him understand. "I couldn't live with myself if I hurt someone innocent, James."

James went still and his eyes widened remembering how I'd skewered him and his mates with similar words about Remus being allowed to run free as a werewolf. He realized exactly what I meant and why I had to do this. His gaze softened as he stared at me. He grabbed me and hugged me tightly, his lips in my hair. "Are you sure?"

I fitted my face into the crook of his neck. "Pretty sure." The words escaped me on a long sigh.

"What if we just obliviate that memory?" Sirius spoke up.

I shook my head regretfully. Much as I would like that, it wouldn't be that simple. "It's reasonably easy to obliviate a recent memory without repercussions," I said. "But to obliviate a long ago childhood memory can be dangerous, especially one that is rooted in the person's subconscious. What happened may have affected the child's perception of self and growth into the person she is as an adult."

"So—you could be different if an important childhood memory was wiped clean?" Beth asked.

"Yes," I looked sadly at James. "I haven't just read muggle psychology—I like learning about wizard psychology also. Unless I want to risk changing my sense of self and personality, I can't have someone just obliviate a strong childhood memory. As awful as that memory is, it must have had a large impact on me."

"No," James shook his head vehemently looking frightened. "We can't risk that. I would never want to change the person you are now." He drew me close to him again. My face pressed against his chest. I could hear his heart beating rapidly.

After a few minutes I was able to pull away from James' arms and turn back to Beth. Sirius had his arm slung around her shoulders and she was patiently waiting, her eyes wet and regarding me with compassion. She spoke gently. "One of my co-workers saw a therapist she raves about. His name is Dr. Thomas and his specialty is working with victims of trauma from when they were children. Would you like me to make you an appointment?"

"Yes," I croaked. "The sooner the better. I want to get this over with."

She nodded her expression troubled and caring. I opened my arms and stumbled to her, hugging her as hard as I could. I knew what it had cost her to push me to do this. "I love you," I warbled, tears overflowing my tired eyes.

I felt rather than heard Beth's choked sob. "I love you too." After a few minutes, Beth pulled back. She held my cheeks firmly between her hands and looked into my eyes fiercely. "You are going to be fine. You are strong. You can do this."

"I know," I bit my lip. Right now, I felt none of the above. But I had no choice but to hang on to the belief that I could overcome this.

I came home from work an hour early to get ready for my first appointment with Dr. Thomas on Tuesday. Beth had managed to talk directly to Dr. Thomas yesterday and persuaded him to stay a little past his normal office hours to meet me the next day. I changed into casual clothes and washed my face, my shaking hands fumbling with normally routine functions such as turning on the water faucet. I grabbed my purse and met James who waited white-faced in the living room. I had avoided looking in the bathroom mirror to see how pale my own face was. There were some things I was better off not knowing.

"I'm taking her to her appointment," Beth walked briskly into the living room. Sirius looked between James and Beth, his eyes alert and his body tense.

"I want to take her," James protested. He laced my fingers with his.

"No," Beth shook her head. "You can come and pick her up when it's over. She might have a last minute panic. You would let her run away and then she'll just have to go through it all over again."

James opened his mouth to argue, but I touched his arm to forestall him. "It's okay, James. Beth can take me. I'll see you after my appointment."

James frowned, his eyes searching my face worriedly. He sighed when he saw the resolution in my eyes. "I'll be there when you're done," he said leaning forward to kiss me. I held my tremors deep inside. He didn't need to know that I was quaking with fear at going through with this appointment despite my good intentions. Beth was right, she would firmly shepherd me through this without letting me back down. I couldn't let myself have an out.

"Don't come too soon or Beth will get mad," I whispered.

"I'm not scared of Beth," James grumbled in my ear.

"I am."

James laughed and kissed me again. "I'll be waiting for you."

Two hours later, I walked slowly with Dr. Thomas out of his office. James leaped up from a chair in the waiting room, rushing to my side. Behind him, I saw Beth stand up at a less warped speed and she moved next to him.

Dr. Thomas put his hand on my arm. His kind blue eyes regarded me with understanding as he smiled. "We'll meet again next week?"

"Yes," I smiled wanly at him. I felt wrung out, tired yet more relaxed than I'd been since the first time the memory had struck me. I put my head on James' shoulder, not listening as he introduced himself to my psychiatrist. After Dr. Thomas spoke quietly to his receptionist and returned to his office, James propelled me to the door, Beth on my other side. Before we stepped outside, James looked me over carefully. "Are you alright, Lil?"

I nodded to his spoken question and answered his unspoken one. "It helped. I'm going to be even better soon."

When we reached the floor of our flat, James surprised me by leading me to the flight of stairs that led to the roof. "What are we doing?" I asked.

Beth grinned at me. "It's the 4th of July. We're celebrating America's Independence Day."

My mouth dropped open in surprise when we reached the roof. Strings of small white Christmas lights had been strung around the owlery gazebo, radiating out in lines from its circular roof to the building's edges. Our dining room table and chairs were set between our vegetable garden and the plant containers. A checkered red and white tablecloth donned the table which was set with blue paper plates and napkins. A vase of red carnations sat in the middle of the table. The delicious smell of barbecuing hotdogs and hamburgers wafted to my nose. My stomach rumbled. For the first time in over a week, I felt famished and looked forward to eating.

The sun had not set but was low in the sky, blocked from our view by other nearby buildings taller than ours. Sirius appeared from behind the owlery brandishing barbecue tongs. "Dinner is almost ready," he said giving me an assessing look. I smiled at him and he looked reassured.

"Its All-American food," Beth pulled me to the table. "Hamburgers, hotdogs, potato chips, corn on the cob and apple pie for dessert."

"We call potato chips crisps here, Yank," Sirius reminded her.

"Not tonight," Beth said cheekily.

Conversation was light and inconsequential as we ate dinner. The food was just right on a soft summer night and we laughed as Beth told us stories of her dog trying to attack their fireworks on Independence Day last year. Despite my dry, gritty eyes from too many tears shed today, I felt as if I'd been given an emotional second wind, shored up by their love and support.

"Remus, Peter and Marlene are coming over later for some serious Sock Quidditch competition," James tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "We're going to play partners in a round robin."

I looked at Beth who easily interpreted my concern. "I'm keeping score," she said. "Plus only four play at a time, so I'll have company on the sidelines."

"Later, we're shooting off fireworks," Sirius grinned in anticipation. "I found a spell that can keep it so only the people on this rooftop can see and hear them."

"Perfect," I smiled at them. They knew I wasn't just referring to the dinner and planned activities.

Sirius eyed the last piece of apple pie. Despite having already consumed two large pieces, he reached across the table for it. Beth beat him to it, dumping it on her plate.

"Hey," he protested. "I wanted that piece."

"It'll go straight to your hips," Beth grinned at him. At Sirius' sad puppy eyes look, she relented. "Okay, I'll share it with you."

James made a disgusted sound. Sirius smirked at him. "Works every time."

"Only with Beth," James informed him. "The rest of us don't like you that much."

Beth's expression turned serious. "Do you want to tell us about your appointment?" she asked me cautiously.

I took a deep breath. "It was painful, but…it feels better now. Like an abscess was drained and the pressure is gone."

"Do you remember what happened?" Sirius asked bluntly.

"Yes," I squeezed James' hand reassuringly under the table. "Thankfully nothing worse happened than what we already suspected. He didn't have a chance to-do what he wanted to."

"How did you fight him off?" Sirius leaned forward.

"My parents were right. It was my magical powers. He was holding me down, his hand over my mouth." I swallowed but forced myself to continue. It was already a bit easier to talk about which heartened me. "I was struggling and he hit me on the side of the head." I felt James flinch next to me and I reached across to rub his arm with my other hand. "For a little while, I was stunned but then I went kind of crazy in pain and panic. The next thing I knew, he had been flung off of me. His mouth was wide open as he stared at me from his arse on the ground a few feet away."

"He hadn't hit his head on the rock?" James asked surprised.

"Not yet," I spoke raggedly. "He scrambled up, saying something like 'How the hell did you do that?' I was as shocked as he was. I was petrified, afraid he'd come back at me but I couldn't move. Fortunately, he was freaked out. He started backing away from me and he tripped. He fell and I heard a thunk."

Beth exhaled a held breath. "Did you know he was dead?"

I shook my head. "I was so scared. I thought he might get back up. I was still frozen, my legs weren't able to move, but I was able to scream. It must have only been several seconds or a minute or two until my dad came but it felt like forever as I screamed, just waiting for the man to get back up and attack me again."

There was silence. Beth wiped her eyes. "Oh, Lily. My heart just breaks for you."

I could feel James' hand shaking in mine. "The memory was right there ready to come out once Dr. Thomas helped me feel safe enough to let it happen. He is teaching me some coping techniques to handle it when the memories frighten me."

James lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles, his eyes wet and full of emotion as they stared into mine.

"Dr. Thomas doesn't know you're a witch," Beth said. "How did you explain how the man was flung off of you?"

"I was just a kid," I said. "Dr. Thomas wouldn't be surprised if the details were fuzzy. I just told him the man must have heard something and stood up, backing away from me."

"Quick thinking," Sirius said approvingly.

"Dr. Thomas said something that made me think of it in a different light," I said slowly. "He was in postgraduate school when this happened and he remembered it. It was widely publicized in muggle newspapers. Until I described my memory, he didn't know the girl was me, of course, but they studied this creep's case in one of his classes. When I questioned him about it, he told me the man had done this before, as my parents said. But even worse, he'd murdered the last two girls he had molested." I looked at the three shocked faces of the people I loved most along with my parents. "I realized how fortunate I was. If I didn't have magical powers, I might have just been another statistic. Instead, I just have to deal with a scary memory."

"That's a lot to deal with," James protested.

"Yes, but I also thought about what may have happened if he hadn't grabbed me that day. He probably would have hurt or killed another child. I don't know if it's right to feel happy someone died. I just feel relieved no other little girl had to suffer and lose her life." I looked at James with a slight smile, a welcome feeling of peace inside me. "I'm so grateful that didn't happen."

"I have no problem feeling happy someone evil died," Sirius said harshly. James nodded, his face hard.

"Well, no matter what your moral stance," I smiled warmly. "I want to celebrate tonight. I'm happy to be here, to have you as my best mates, and to have the best boyfriend ever." I lifted my cup in a toast. "To you three, my loyal mates who support me no matter what." We clinked glasses and James threw in a long kiss.

"And to Lily," James raised his glass again. "For being the most caring, incredible witch I've ever known."

"Suck up," Sirius told James but he smiled at me with the true warmth he only showed a handful of people.