AN: Judging from the majority of the reviews I received (all two of them), I somehow gave off the, ahem, misleading impression that Jack dies. Don't worry, no one dies for another fifty chapters. Except for a cat, but that's designed for comic effect…

How My Perfect Life Was Inverted

Chapter Eleven: Pearl, Interrupted

"How the hell do you expect any of this to be remotely accurate if you…" More of that beloved static. "…and the fact that he dies!" an irate voice hissed as soon as she'd answered her phone. Janelle.

"You know, there is a reason why I hung up on you—"

"You can't tell me what to do! I'm just trying to be a good friend and help—"

"By driving me to the point of suicide? Again?"

"Hey, that was a really blunt kitchen knife… And you got over it eventually…" There was a hesitant pause. "You did get over it, right?"

There was that white noise again. "Did you say something?" Sierra asked.

"No," she lied. "Playful banter. Nothing meaningful, nothing of significance…" Although I'm never leaving you in a kitchen, on a cliff, or near an electrical wall socket unsupervised ever again… "But you're putting in he dies."

"Oh no I'm not. I'm giving everyone a happy ending. It's a stereotypical story, if you think about it; why not give them the stereotypical ending?"

"Stereotypical ending?" Janelle echoed in disbelief.

"Uh huh. I'm going to twist it all so that we all go sailing into the sunset and live happily ever after."

"Even though the complete opposite is true?"

Static. "…truth? Everyone's going to think it's all fiction anyway…"

"You're not stereotyping this novel, princess."

"But it's so normal and predictable—"

A snort worked its way through the static. "Oh no, you're right," the unsurprisingly sarcastic voice said. "It's a typical love story: boy meets girl. Boy sleeps with girl. Girl has numerous affairs, amongst other things. Boy kidnaps girl. Girl impersonates French countess… Yep, you can just see what's coming next…"

"I never impersonated anyone!" she defended. "Just because people thought I was her—"

"Honey, your nose has just shrunk back to its regular size: stop lying."

The brunette shook her head. "I'm not putting it in, Janelle. Please don't make me."

There was only silence. And then the American said gently, "You're not putting in your affair with Andrew, are you? You're not even going to mention the others…"

"Janelle, please…"

"This was what I meant when I said you're trying to make yourself look good. You cheated on Jack at least twice, and—"

"You don't know what it was like! You weren't there!" She could feel the tears beginning to form. "He had a kid, for God's sake… What, was I meant to close my eyes and trust everything would work out to my advantage?"

"Why not?" she could hear the nonchalant shrug. "Change all the names. Censor them out if you have to. Or leave them in and pretend it was all a work of fiction you just conjured up. Why the hell…" Was it the distance or the phone, or intervening fate? "…one's gonna believe it anyway…"

There was a yawn from London. "If I promise I'll write in everything—and I mean everything—can I please get some sleep?"

"Only if you put in everything." The American said firmly.

"I will…" the Englishwoman whined.

"And that is?" Janelle demanded.

"I promise I'll put in Andrew," Sierra vowed.

There was a clatter as Janelle leapt up in shock. "That's it!" she exclaimed. "You're not putting in the naval aristocrat, or that Dutch merchant guy?"

"The part-Dutch merchant guy wasn't really that serious," Sierra justified, her eyelids subduing to the laws of gravity. "He wasn't actually a threat; he was just really cute…"

There was a pause. "Yeah, compared with the other two, he was just one of many…"

"And you know, I might not even have to mention him…"

"Sierra…"

"I'm not exactly planning on calling it 'Sierra's Sailors', and writing a list…"

"But the Dutch guy was, like, a catalyst; he's pretty important. What, you're just going to make it that Jack woke up one morning and just decided…" Le bruit blanc, ladies and gentleman, strikes again. "…and it's actually getting serious—"

"Well, I'm just saying this isn't a who's who of piracy." Sierra yawned. "Must I put in everyone I sleep with? I agree when you say death's a very important part of one's life, but this…"

"There can't have been that many," Janelle reasoned.

Sierra raised a doubting eyebrow. "I was a whore for five months. There were at least twenty-five…"

"See, that's not that bad…"

"Where I wasn't sharing the client…"

A pause.

"You never… told me about that… Wait a minute, you're just trying to weird me out so I'll leave you alone!" She caught on fast, didn't she? "OK, put in the piratical privateer, that lieutenant you threw yourself at, and the Chinese-Dutchman—"

"How many times do I have to say it? Singaporean: I met him in Singapore."

"But you see, the Chinese didn't migrate to, well, anywhere until the nineteenth century, and you said yourself you didn't see a lot of Oriental people who claimed to be native. Besides, Singapore's native population hail from Malaysia; therefore they tend to be darker-skinned and—"

"Goodnight, Janelle."

x-x-x-x

I let out a shriek of surprise as the door swung open unexpectedly and clasped my unbuttoned black chemise tightly to my chest, gasping for breath.

"So this is your room," the man commented upon entering. His child waved innocently at me, her blue eyes alight with mischief. "See, it's not that far from your ma's…" He said to her.

"Thank you for knocking, it was very considerate of you," I told him bitingly. "Hey there, honey; how've you've been?"

"Not too bad," Jack replied, pushing the little girl forward.

She paused and turned back to look curiously up at him. "Oh, Mama's gonna kill you…" she sang.

He ignored her, focusing on me. "I guess I'll be seeing more of you tonight, aye?" he said conversationally.

Turning my back to him in order to finish dressing myself, I murmured, "Yeah, maybe… Perhaps… I don't know…" My eyes fell upon Pearl, who had disappeared beneath my bed. I noted this strange behaviour with only slight surprise. "I wouldn't be wrong in guessing she's yours?" I added to change the topic.

I could actually hear him raise his eyebrow in surprise; clearly, he wasn't used to being rejected by common whores.

"Yes!" came the ecstatic little answer from beneath my bed. I turned to see Jack visibly wince, before he muttered darkly, "Oh, you've done it now, haven't you, poppet?"

"Yes!" replied the little girl enthusiastically. I chuckled, gathering all of my hair and wringing out the water into the movable little bathtub. I was uncomfortably aware of Jack's dark eyes on me. At any other time, I would have been thrilled, but right now, with my position as whore and his daughter fishing under my bed… Well, it just felt degrading. And wrong. And immoral, but that's never stopped me before.

"I take it there's a reason you're here?"

"My books!" Pearl answered just as her father opened his mouth. "And Daddy wants to bribe you. Or seduce you." Her head popped out from under the bedstead, her shining hair messed from her book-hunting and she smiled sweetly up at me. "I forget…" she shrugged apologetically.

"That's it," Jack cut through. In three seconds, he'd knelt beside his daughter and hoisted her up with the use of her elbow. "You. Out. Now."

"Ah, so it was seduction," Pearl said triumphantly. "You can do better than that, don't you think?"

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Hey!"

"I was talking to you," she salvaged with skill.

"Out." And he'd literally picked up the seven-year-old; tucked her under one arm and dropped her outside my room.

"I'll tell Ma!" she threatened.

"You run along and do that," he permitted, and instantly slammed the door shut in her face. He turned instantly back to me, and I swallowed nervously.

"I will tell her you know!"

We both ignored the threat. "How did you get in here?" I asked him, sitting on the bed and leaning back against the pillows whilst I stretched out my abused legs; babysitting Sparrow's offspring was no mean feat when one had to do the complete opposite of sitting. "I'm certain Spencer has men hired to… guard the premises?"

"Oh, she does," he concurred, striding leisurely towards me. "But when they're not busy terrorising the girls, they're drunk off their arses."

"Not the only one, I see." I was referring to the drunken, almost feminine sway of his hips as he'd walked. Last night I'd just put it down to good ole inebriation, but now, with his becoming features and characteristics illuminated with the harsh unflattering light of day, I was beginning to wonder if he wasn't a closet drag queen. I wouldn't be surprised; I always ended up falling for the gay guys.

"Sea legs, love; plain and simple," he explained, sitting beside me. From my angle, he looked utterly alluring; my room was lit only from the bright afternoon sunlight filtering through the single window above my head; the rays of light fell directly onto Jack's tanned face, illuminating his every feature in what was meant to be a harsh manner. He really was a piece of work; how could anyone so conventionally handsome also look so… eccentric?

I realised I was staring at his lips. Which, by the way, were pulled back in a smug grin. I tore my eyes away a little too hastily, meeting his amused eyes.

"How much longer will you be in there, Papa?" Yup, he was definitely cringing this time.

"What are you so bleedin' impatient for?" he retorted, though there was a glint of amusement deep in his chocolate eyes.

"What are you still doing here?" I queried. "Trying to bribe me?"

"I will tell her!"

Jack merely shrugged. "Why would I bribe you?"

"I'm not bluffing! Daddy!"

He rolled his eyes. "Kids…" he muttered.

"I honestly wouldn't know," I supplied.

"I'll go and tell her right now!"

"I don't think I want to know…" I added, looking pointedly at the door. "Your daughter's mean…"

"Gets it from her mother's side," he sidestepped.

"You have until the count of five…"

We both looked at each in discomfort. "Do you want her to tell Beth?" I queried.

"One…"

"Exactly what's that going to achieve?" he asked. "Beth doesn't actually care as long as Pearl's happy."

As if on cue, a whining, pitiable voice sniffled, "I'll cry…"

I just winced. "Ouch. Emotional blackmail."

"Two… My eyes are beginning to water…"

"Is it ever…" he grumbled, standing.

"Three… I'll start sobbing…"

"What does she mean about you attempting to bribe me?" I asked.

"Four… Pouting now…"

"Oh just imagine how cute she looks," I cooed.

"Don't," he advised. "It never helps your case. And it's terrifying as hell…"

"Four and a half…"

"Go!" I suggested, standing myself and pushing him along. "Let me get dressed at least…"

"Four and three quarters… The tears are starting to fall…"

Like a loyal butler, I swung the door open for the reluctant father. And aided his offspring in hurling herself upon her parent in the process. "Daddy!"

"She's so adorable…" I sighed, my hands resting on the door.

"You're not the one being throttled," he threw at me, though his arms had immediately encircled her small form, therefore preventing her from moving, even if she wanted to. Which doesn't seem to be the case. "Have you got everything, lil' lass?" he asked her.

"I think so…" she answered endearingly.

"What were her books doing in here, may I ask?" he turned to me.

"I couldn't find Mama," she sang happily. "And Sierra said I could stay here until someone found me."

I did? When? Hmm… Little liar.

He merely looked at Pearl suspiciously. She just looked back, eyes wide with unnervingly convincing innocence. How does she pull that off?

"Regardless," he reprimanded, "you should apologise to this lovely lady for causing her such inconvenience."

"Her?" I snatched. "It was you who burst in on me dressing!"

"That may be true," he amended, "but I'm not sorry."

"And she is?" I asked doubtfully.

"Oh yes," he said, with a pointed look at his daughter. "Profoundly so."

"Am not!" she pouted. Cuteness. Bloodcurdling cuteness. "I don't cause any trouble…"

"No, she was fine," I assured, sounding for all the world like a reluctant, last-minute, unpaid babysitter.

"See?" she confirmed. "It's you that's causing all the disturbance, following all the pretty girls around like a dog in heat."

I just stared at her in comatose shock, before I turned my accusing gaze to the only man within my vicinity. "I didn't say anything!" he exclaimed, hands raised. Well, his hands would have been raised, had a disturbingly cute monkey not wrapped herself around his chest. "It's all her mother's fault!"

"That's your excuse for everything, isn't it?" I asked.

"Brat just knows everything…" he mumbled humbly.

"Yes, I do," she agreed.

We exchanged brief glances of farewell, though Jack's eyes lingered on mine for a moment or two before quickly lowering to my low décolletage.

"Daddy…"

"Fine," he turned away, casting an annoyed glance at his daughter. "Spoil my fun."

"What fun? I really don't know what you're talking about, Papa. I'm not even eight yet…" I could just picture the way too innocent look on her face as she said that.

I shut the door and leaned against it, letting a smile cross my lips as I recalled the brief interlude that had just occurred. I think I'd gotten to know Pearl better in the past three minutes than anyone else the whole time I'd been here. I recalled her sweet smile, her innocent bright blue eyes, and her angelic smooth face.

He's right. That kid is scary…

x!x-

AN: Just a filler chapter today; some character development on Pearl's part… Feel sorry for Jack yet?

jennifer123: (innocently) Kill him? I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about… Our beta-reader has no air, and she won't be getting any anytime soon… Are you more freaked out by the kid now than before? I mean, I based her off of my little sister, so that could be why…

VagrantCandy: No, it really didn't… I like writing this, and my beta-reader gives me a lot of encouragement and won't give me permission to stop, AND she has a very sharp penknife and very big head-sized blender, not to mention her pyromania… How the hell do I get associated with these people?

GalaxiaDawn: Thanks, glad you like the story. I hope you've read this far, otherwise this note is pointless…