Instead of Going Under

by Mission to Marzipan

Nico was left with more than physical scars after the Giant War. After the fighting was over he vanished and fell into a lifestyle that's threatening to drown him. Two years on and with the chips down, Percy is the only one Nico knows he can count on.

12. Chapter 12

It's been a long time. Too long. For that I'm sorry but this chapter is firstly kind of emotionally charged, which made it difficult to write; secondly, it did not play ball and at one point I was ten minutes away from setting fire to it in my kitchen sink and starting over because it would not behave the way I wanted it to and things nearly got messy; and thirdly, it's, well, over 15,000 words long. I actually wrote less for some of my final papers in university than I've written below for you wonderful, lovely, gorgeous people. I didn't plan on it being such a beast but then again, I didn't plan anything about this fic, so...

Okay, so here it is. Chapter 12 at last. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me so far and despite everything (i.e. me moving slower than a snail) — thank you one and all for your kind reviews and words of support. Getting reviews scares me, as in full-blown panic attack scares me, but once I find the (liquid) courage to face the fact that people are reading the stuff I write (and actually enjoying it!) I do feel very warm and glow-y. So thank you all for that feeling.

My thanks, as always, to JJDracula, without whom none of us would be here and who is due a sainthood for the patience she has had with me. She is also responsible for the artwork now attached to this story (I'm a Luddite and it has taken my twelve chapters to figure out how to do it). More thanks and kudos to general zargon, to whom I owe "Nico knew that Percy was going to do his best to help him, and Percy's best was pretty much awesomeness personified".

Thank you, again, for just being awesome.

Marzipan.

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Nico nearly flattened a man on the way out of the restaurant. The man started to shout at him but Nico turned sharply on his heel to face him; it was almost as if a thundercloud that was roiling around his head leapt to his command and spewed forth a lightning bolt. The man was basically struck dumb, turned to a gibbering wreck by the ferocity of Nico's gaze. His mouth opened and closed ineffectually before Nico's nostrils flared and he spun back towards the street.

Nico did not have time for that shit.

Setting his jaw, he stepped off the curb. A horn blared; a car swerved around him but he didn't care. He heard the door of the restaurant open behind him and wanted to get as far away from the place and his father as he possibly could, even if that meant dicing with death on Madison Avenue.

He glanced over his shoulder and took a look at his father putting his hat on his head and fiddling nervously with his cufflinks as he scoped out the crowd, searching for Nico. Nico's head snapped back around towards the road and freedom; he took another step. Brakes squealed and tyres screeched, smearing black marks onto the asphalt behind a cab that had come to a dead halt just inches from Nico. The cab driver, eyes bulging in shock, body straining against the taut seatbelt, had gone pale. He took a few seconds to get over the shock before powering down the window and leaning out to yell.

Nico glared at him; the airbags in the cab exploded, showering the driver with smoke and white powder. The cab driver's intended yell yielded to stunned choking and spluttering. Nico blinked. Had he done that? He looked down at his hand uncertainly, swallowed, and then put it in his pocket to hide the fact that it was shaking. Traffic was beginning to pile up behind the cab now; cars were swinging out into the flow of traffic to a cacophony of angry horn blasts.

"Nico!" his father shouted above the noise of the traffic, having spotted him. Almost becoming roadkill apparently lacked subtly. "Nico, where are you going? Get back here this instant. All I want is a chance to talk."

Nico could feel his heart trying to dash itself to pieces on his sternum as he took another step into the traffic; he caught a blur of an obscene gesture as yet another car had to swerve to avoid him, coming close to clipping a delivery van as it veered. He had felt a tug as the car went past; he looked down to find the wing mirror had left a smear of grime on the front of Percy's shirt.

He didn't care. He so didn't care. If he had to vault his way over the top of these cars he would, just so he could put distance between himself and his father. His father wanted to talk? What was there to talk about, exactly? Nico could not think of a single conversation he wanted to have with his father right now. He had to get away. From Percy and Rachel, too. How could they have done this to him? After everything, knowing all that they did, why would they betray him so badly? Did they hate him this much?

Apparently so.

The knowledge of that ripped the lid off the crate that he had tried to force his addiction into to keep it at bay, even though he thought he'd nailed the damn thing shut. It had been unleashed all over again and it was like the Hydra, more dangerous and even deadlier simply because he'd tried to kill it. It was snarling within him, partly the reason his hands were trembling, and he could feel a bubble of panic rising in his chest as he fought to breathe. His stomach somersaulted unpleasantly and for a minute he thought he was about to lose his (total lack of) lunch.

If he could ditch his father he would be alone in Manhattan once again, just like he had been this morning before Derek (gods, had that only been this morning?), and he knew so many places where he could easily go and find a little something to take the edge off. Would that be so bad, just taking one more tiny little pill in order to blunt the whirling buzz saw that had buried itself in his body the moment he'd discovered that the two people he trusted the most had sold him out?

What could it hurt?

Tomorrow was another day. He could start again tomorrow when he was thinking clearer. He hesitated for another split second and took yet another foolhardy step into the street. No. That wouldn't be so bad. Not given the circumstances.

"NICO!" Hades roared from the sidewalk.

Nico felt a wave of power blast over and around him, ruffling his hair, plastering his overlarge shirt to his back, and then it was almost as if a bomb had gone off. The tyres blew on the cars heading towards him, sending them careening out of control. The hoods of the all the vehicles popped open, slamming into the windshields and spider-webbing the safety glass.

Cars slewed sideways, coming to rest mere inches from Nico, crunching into each other with the agonised shriek of rending metal. The dull thud and crumpling of a thousand empty beer cans being mashed under a thousand booted feet punctuated the air. One car mounted the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street to the one Hades was standing on and clipped a fire hydrant, sending an arc of water high up into the air. Nico blinked in shock, his mouth falling open as he looked at the destruction his father had wrought.

Then Hades was suddenly at Nico's elbow with a tight grip on Nico's upper arm. Nico looked down at the long, pale fingers totally encircling his bicep and felt his heart deflate as if it had been punctured. There went his plans of freedom, his plot to escape...everything.

"You could have been killed!" Hades hissed, swinging Nico around to face him and not letting go of his son's arm. In fact, the grip got tighter. "What were you thinking?!"

Anger ignited deep within Nico. His eyes sparked with it. "Believe me, I wasn't trying to get myself killed," he snarled, tearing his arm out of Hades' grasp and angrily wrenching his shirt back to normal. "I mean, then I'd have to be down in the Underworld and gods forbid you might actually have to spend some time with me."

Hades lips almost vanished into a thin line.

Nico threw his arms wide. "What's the matter, does the truth hurt?" he demanded. "Can't take hearing it from someone you never wanted to see again a couple of years ago? Want to blast me into oblivion?"

"Nico, you are embarrassing both me and yourself," Hades said, his voice like silk-sheathed steel. "I suggest—"

"Oh, you suggest do you?" Nico said, sneering at his father. "Well, that's new. I mean, you've never suggested before. You've ordered and commanded and demanded but don't try and tell me you've ever suggested anything in your life. You sure didn't suggest that I was banished from the Underworld and cut off from all my powers, did you? But, if we are suggesting things, then I suggest you get bent."

Hades was practically vibrating with anger, Nico noted, but right at that moment he didn't care that the asphalt was cracking under his father's feet like the skin of a pig at a luau. He had just had it with caring about pretty much anything. All it ever did was land him in shit. With Ell, just now with Percy and Rachel, who he had thought cared enough not to ambush him with something like this... Caring about things was just overrated and right now he didn't even care about not ending up as a grease spot on the street because giving a crap had just never worked out for him.

"I suggest," Hades continued frostily, clearly trying to rein in his temper, "that we go somewhere quieter, where there are fewer witnesses and where fewer mortal law enforcement are likely to turn up. That is all."

Nico lost the wind from his sails. He'd been prepared for a much bigger suggestionthan that. "Oh," he said, dragging a distracted hand through his hair and cocking his head to better determine how far away the approaching sirens were. "Oh. Yeah. We... probably should try not to get arrested."

The ground stopped shaking and Hades straightened his tie, drawing himself up to his full height. "You mean they probably shouldn't try to arrest us," he said curtly, so confidently that Nico almost smiled despite himself.

Maybe, just maybe, there were rare occasions where it paid to be the child of an all-powerful god. Not many, but they did exist.

"This way," Hades said, striding across the now-gridlocked and, beyond the pile-up, eerily calm Madison Avenue. Drivers had started to stumbled from the wreckage of their cars; some were even bleeding but Hades paid no attention, sweeping past them to take East 79th Street and heading towards Fifth Avenue.

The change in Hades from the anger inside the restaurant was slightly scary but, well, that was his father in a nutshell. More ups and downs than a fiddler's elbow or all the rides in Six Flags put together. Nico looked at Hades' retreating back, gnawing on his lip. He felt like he had little choice but to follow — it was either that or stand there and face the music as the jaywalker who had clogged Madison Avenue with a pile of twisted metal formerly known as cars.

Still, he hesitated for a moment; standing impotently in the middle of the street he hovered, looking between the restaurant and at his father's retreating back.

"Fuck," he hissed under his breath, shaking his head and lunging after Hades before he could change his mind. He eventually managed to catch up with his father. As they walked, he kept sneaking glances up at him, but Hades' face was carefully passive, betraying nothing.

They walked in silence until they emerged on Fifth Avenue before crossing the street (using the crosswalk, having learned from past experience) towards Central Park, entering using the pedestrian entrance. Nico was desperately scrabbling for things to say to try and fill the silence, but he couldn't think of anything he actually wanted to say to his father. Well, nothing polite, anyway.

To Nico, the silence gaped toothlessly between them but it didn't seem to faze Hades, who strode along with the air of someone who didn't have a care in the world. However, Nico could see the tension held in his father's shoulders, the jut of his jaw, the way his arms weren't fully at his sides but held out a little way, the fingers spasming occasionally, and knew that Hades wasn't as care-free as he was trying to make out.

They entered Central Park and Nico was surprised to see his father unwind a little. Hades visibly relaxed after stepping under the shade of the canopy of trees above them; although the tension was still there it was greatly diminished.

"Every time I come here I'm reminded how much I hate this city," Hades said, shaking his head. He took off his hat and unfurled a meticulously-pressed crimson silk handkerchief from his top pocket and mopped his brow with it. His eyes kept darting around, taking in the sights and the sounds, wincing every now and then when something particularly noisy penetrated the quieter aura of the Park.

"No one asked you to visit," Nico muttered.

Hades glared at him, black eyes suddenly no longer roving around distracted and boring into Nico's instead. "Why are you so intent on making me angry?" he asked. "It's almost as if you want me to do something else I'll regret. I am up here for you. I find it difficult but there is no other reason for me to be here but you. Why try and goad me into being a worse father than I've already been by acting this way?"

Nico held up his hands. "Hey, don't look at me. Don't get angry because I've learned to expect you to suck. That's all on you."

Hades stopped. Again the concrete beneath his feet crackled and popped open, fissures slithering their way through the path towards Nico. The trees around them moaned and shivered; dogs in the background began to howl.

"Look, if we keep this up, Manhattan is going to end up under the East River and the Hudson by the time we're done talking," Nico snapped. "How can you blame me for feeling this way, after what happened?"

Hades took a deep breath in through his nostrils and let it out through his mouth. He looked like he was chewing on a wasp but he did manage to swallow his anger. The ground stopped trembling.

"Fine," he said. "Fine. My behaviour has been less than exemplary, I will admit that. Perhaps I should not get angry when I am told the truth. You are right — that is not what I am here to do. I am here to make amends. Although… sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if this city just drowned. It makes me wonder why I accepted a throne hovering so far above it. I know my brothers and the other Olympians are quite attached, literally, and seem to get a thrill out of how alive this place is but it just… It gets too much. This park makes things… a little easier. It's insulated. And yet… it makes me think that maybe my brothers were right to give the Underworld to us. Perhaps we're not made to be up here."

"We?" Nico demanded pointedly, adding a cynical scoff. "Sure, I mean, you haven't seen me for a couple of years, the worst years of my life, by the way, but yeah. We. And anyway, who the hell are you to decide where and how I should live my life, huh? Even if you hadn't decided to toss me out like garbage, I'm half mortal. I'm not like you. This is where I belong. I like it here."

Hades looked directly at Nico. "I have already apologised for that mistake, Nico," he said. "I showed poor judgement. The poorest. I don't think I have ever or ever will again make a mistake so large. You are my son and that wasn't enough for me. I am ashamed of that."

Nico really wished he couldn't feel the sincerity in his father's words, because it really fucking sucked. He wanted to be mad at his dad so badly. He wanted to yell and scream at him, risk instant immolation by taking a swing at him, even, but hearing such a heartfelt apology from one of the reigning champions of never apologising was a gigantic spanner in those works.

"Why?" Nico asked, wrapping his arms around his body and staring at his father intently. People were tutting and having to skirt around him as they made their way through the park but they were free to take a long walk off a short cliff, preferably sooner rather than later, as far as he was concerned.

Hades' brow creased in consternation. "Why?" he asked perplexedly. "You mean you don't feel it? All of these mortals in one place, living out their lives… all I see is the paperwork that will come at the end of it all. You don't see this? The jumper under the subway train, the woman who steps off the curb too soon because she's on one of those infernal cellular phones, the stabbed mugging victim…

"They're all careening towards death, towards us. There are floors and floors of people stacked on top of one another in these ridiculous sky-scraping buildings, so tall we Olympians would have once considering them hubris and torn them down with earthquakes and hurricanes and lightning, and they're all dying. Naturally. Unnaturally. Messily. Peacefully. They say this city has a pulse, a beating heart, yet if it does it is in its death throes. This city is alive with the dying."

"That's your view, not mine," Nico said shortly, shoving his hands in his pockets and starting to walk again. "So stop with this us crap because it's bullshit. Utter bullshit. I'm sorry you have such a shitty view on life but I don't share it. I don't want to share it because it fucking sucks." He passed Hades and kept walking. "And by the way, I meant why did you abandon me when I needed you not why do you hate New York. I don't give a crap why you're pissed at New York for just being here. I'm not sure I even care about you, or even want you here right now. I'm not sure I don't want this whole conversation to just crash and fucking burn right now."

"You know, your mother used to curse like that," Hades said, a morose fondness creeping into his voice. "Looking at her you would have thought she was this perfect, convent-educated, butter-wouldn't-melt type but she could have blistered that ridiculous paintjob Jason put on the original Argo when she got going. And she could do it just as easily in four languages, no less. She was quite a woman."

Again Nico stopped, so suddenly that he stumbled, his heart finding his way into his throat. He had been expecting a repeat of the earth tremors, even to be swallowed by a gaping chasm, but not this. Never this. He scrunched his hands into fists in his pockets and slowly let them release again. He turned slowly. "What?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Your mother," Hades repeated. "She could curse up a storm worthy of Poseidon when something riled her. You should have heard what she called Zeus when I tried to explain… to explain that we had to go into hiding. She was never afraid of doing it in front of me, either. Some mortals, they realise how powerful a god is and they hold back, but she never did."

"I heard you," Nico said, still barely able to muster any volume to his voice. "I heard you the first time. I meant what are you doing, bringing mom into this suddenly? After all these years of refusing to talk to me about her, of letting me scrabble around in the dirt — literally — for tiny little bits of information about her, now it's a trip down memory lane? Now? Of all times? What is wrong with you? Did you come here to make up or just to purposely fuck with my head some more? Because, let me tell you, it's pretty damaged up there already." He emphasised this point by rapping on his skull with his knuckles. "It doesn't need you jabbing at it as well."

Hades blinked. "I don't understand. You don't want me to tell you about your mother?"

A harsh laugh escaped Nico's lips before he could stop it. "Are you serious? Of course I want to know about mom. I've been asking you about mom for more than seven years but you've been giving me zip this entire time and now you're breaking out the family album? And you don't see a problem with that?"

Hades closed his eyes briefly, wearily, as if each eyelid weighed a thousand tons. When he opened them again, he looked at Nico levelly for a long time. "Know this. Talking about your mother has always been too painful for me. I was consumed by rage and bitterness for the longest time over her death. I nearly let my father destroy the world because I didn't want to fight with Zeus because of what he had done. Your mother was very dear to me, Nico. I loved her more than I have ever loved a mortal woman. The births of you and your sister were some of my happiest days. I can't… it's… it's like a door I can never open. Even if that has badly affected you in some way. And for that, as well, I am truly sorry. I wish I could have shared my memories of her with you, but that would mean I faced returning to that place I was in after she was taken from me, and that can never be an option. But I did love her. Immensely. Immeasurably. And you remind me so much of her."

"I'm like mom?" The words stuck in Nico's throat, their jagged edges catching as he forced them out. For some reason, the world dissolved briefly into a blur of tears before he swallowed them back down, pressing them into a tightly-managed ball inside his chest. He was sixteen: too old to cry over mommy issues.

And yet…

Hades nodded. "So much," he said softly. "More so than even your sister. She took more after me, but you, with your immense curiosity, the way you form bonds with few people and yet cherish those few relationships you have above all else, the way you swear, the fact that you never let the established order get in your way… You are very much like her, Nico. So much that sometimes… sometimes she's all I see when I look at you."

Nico blinked back yet more tears and ran a distracted hand backwards through his hair. He spun on his heel, putting his back to Hades so his father wouldn't see his face. This was so far away from the all-out war he'd been predicting would erupt between him and his father the second he'd seen him in the restaurant. He was hearing about his mother out of nowhere and what was he meant to feel about that? Why did his father have to be doing this, saying these things? Why was Hades so intent on making it hard for Nico to be mad at him?

"Oh," Nico said, because he really couldn't say much else. He started walking again, keeping his eyes trained on the ground and hoping that physical distance between him and his father would help, but he felt rather than saw Hades fall into step next to him.

The influx of information was too much to handle. Nico had no idea what he was meant to do with this new caring and sharing version of his father, so he extracted his cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth, hindered by shaking hands. He lit up and took a drag, holding in the smoke until he felt like his lungs were going to burst and then letting it all out in a stream through his nostrils, revelling in the light-headedness it caused.

Again the silence stretched between them, broken only by the pounding of Nico's feet. Hades seemed to glide rather than walk, his footsteps making little, if any, noise.

"Are you sure you ought to be smoking?" Hades asked eventually. "I believe the Surgeon General is of the opinion that it has a very unpleasant effect on mortals' lungs."

Nico snorted. "Yeah, don't you think you're pretty much a million miles away from being in any position to be giving parental lectures?" he asked. "Besides, I'm already halfway through this one. Kind of late to warn me, huh?"

"Perhaps you're right," Hades said. He paused. "Aren't you going to offer me one?"

"Wait, you smoke?" Nico asked.

Hades shrugged. "Infrequently. Spending time on earth with your mother in the 1930s, I had to. All the men did. And the women. I rarely saw the appeal but I didn't blend unless I smoked, so I picked up the habit then."

"Huh. Well, today is all about learning new stuff, apparently," Nico said, looking sideways at his father and seeing him in almost an entirely new light. Warily, he offered the packet to Hades like you'd offer steak to a tiger, half expecting Hades to snatch the packet from his hand and demand he quit the filthy habit.

Instead, Hades took a cigarette, eyeing it suspiciously when it was extracted. "What is this brown part on the end?" he asked.

Nico smiled despite himself. "Infrequent smoker? Yeah, you don't say," he said. "It's a filter. They've had them on pretty much all cigarettes since, like, the 50s. When was the last time you had a cigarette?"

"It has been many years," Hades admitted. He eyed the filter suspiciously for a few more moments and then ripped it off and discarded it.

"Fair enough," Nico said. He was about to hand his father his lighter but Hades lit the cigarette with a flickering blue flame which sprang from his index finger, so he shoved it back in his pocket a little wearily. Of course his father could conjure fire from his fingertips. Naturally. "By the way, if someone comes and tries to write us a ticket for smoking in that park, I'm just going to sit back and let you deal with them, okay?"

"You're forbidden to smoke in the park?" Hades asked. "But… we're outside."

"Tell me about it," Nico muttered.

"These mortals and their rules," Hades said darkly. Smoke dribbled from his mouth as he said it; Nico was uncomfortably reminded of a dragon coiled, ready to spring.

They crossed East Drive. Nico took the path that went to the left automatically — to go to the right would eventually lead them to The Great Lawn and the softball fields, which he made a habit of avoiding. He didn't need to see happy, functional people and their families playing softball and having a good time. For one thing, it made him what to drink. Copiously. For another, he already knew he and his entire life were screwed up monumentally thank you very much — he didn't need other people being smiley and perfect to just rub that fact in his face.

Viciously, he ground his cigarette out under his heel and continued forwards, heading for the Ramble. The peace and quiet of the long, winding woodland paths always helped to calm him somehow, but that was on a normal day. Today was so far from that.

Again they were silent and the awkwardness of it descended like a cloud of locusts, buzzing loudly between them and noisily devouring the minutes. Nico could practically feel it prickling on his skin as they entered the seclusion of the woodland. Goosebumps raced up his arms under the shade of all the trees.

"If you loved my mom so much, and I remind you so much of her, then why do you treat me like a piece of crap?" Nico asked suddenly, mostly just for something to say. He wished he'd been able to phrase it better, but there was no eloquent way to put it; he'd been considering how to say it for a while but that was the best he could come up with.

Hades didn't answer for a while until they entered the labyrinth of paths to the north of the Lake. The awkwardness reached a peak, but Nico was all out of things to say, and Hades seemed serenely unconcerned by it.

"I should have treated you better," Hades said eventually. "I have said that and believe me, I am sorry. But in a way, it was because you reminded me of your mother that I did what I did. And yes, there were other reasons. I let my own vanity get in the way. I saw you and what you were threatening to become, an addict, and I lashed out. All I seem to get for sons are despots and madmen, why not add an addict to the list? My children have torn Europe apart over and over again for centuries, fighting with other demigods, and I just could not face another example of my failings as a parent, or face letting my family see what another child of mine had been driven to. I wanted to show them that I could deal with my children effectively. That formed part of my decision. Too large a part, I am afraid. It caused unnecessary suffering to you and to me. But mostly… mostly I did it because I kept seeing your mother staring back at me."

"Oh please, you banished me because you loved me?" Nico snorted. "Don't make me laugh. Or puke. This isn't a fucking Hallmark commercial."

"I don't know what that is," Hades said, his brow wrinkling. "But I banished you because I… do care for you as my son and I wanted to keep you safe. Whether you believe it or not, I couldn't face what happened to Maria happening to you. If my brother Zeus had found out that I had another wayward child, another loose cannon waiting to go off and potentially wrench the world asunder with war and strife, do you think he would have hesitated in striking you down? He hates that you merely exist because it represents my defiance of him. How long do you think he'd be willing to let you live if he thought that the dark path you were starting on would threaten the stability of his precious Olympus? Start a Third World War?"

"You were trying to keep me safe?" Nico asked. He bought that slightly more than the whole 'I did it because I loved you too much' excuse, although only marginally, and he let it show in his voice. "But me popping pills isn't… it's not on the same scale as what's happened before. Is it?"

Hades could not raise his eyes to meet Nico's. "You'd be amazed by how these things start with children of mine. The tiniest of signs, the smallest decisions early in their lives and in ten, twenty years they're… they're unrecognisable, almost. It's the price you pay for having me as a father. For having the blood that belongs to the darkness of the Underworld flowing through your veins. I've seen my children spiral too many times. So yes, I was trying to keep you safe. Zeus has seen those signs in my children just as well as I. Who knows what he would have done?"

Nico felt his stomach clench unpleasantly. He had taken no consideration of the bigger consequences of what he'd been doing. Instead, he'd been busy revelling in the immediate gratification of it all, the way a pill here and there blunted the jagged edges on the fragments of his life that remained after Mimas and that cavern beneath Rome. Could what he was doing have really resulted in Zeus wiping him off the face of the planet?

"So that's it?" Nico asked. "You were worried about what Zeus would think?"

Hades sighed. "As much as I would like to say that my concerns about the consequences of your actions were my only factor, course… there were other reasons. Shameful reasons. I feared you would injure my pride and my standing in front of the other gods. I should not have cared what they thought. I know that now. You were all that mattered. And I was angry with you for what Mimas tried to do. That was misdirected anger. I was really angry at myself for letting you be taken from the Doors of Death, from right under my nose. I was angry at Mimas for what he did to you. I wanted to tear him apart. I should have been there so you didn't have to go through your ordeal and I failed you.

"Also… I was powerless to help you. After what had happened, I saw you, my son, so hurt, so wounded, both mentally and physically, and there was nothing I could do. I am all-powerful and yet in this, for the first time since your mother was taken from me, I was completely impotent. I did not know how to deal with that — it confounded me. I thought that maybe, with a mortal problem such as addiction, that if you could live as a mortal and get help as a mortal you would find a way to live a better life. One free of… me. The Underworld. It had clearly not helped you being who you were and I thought maybe a break from that would help."

"A better life?" Nico echoed incredulously. Again he laughed, throwing his arms wide in disbelief. "You wanted me to have a better life? After you banished me, I had my finger broken by psychopaths who took advantage of my addiction. I spiralled cataclysmically. You know rock bottom? Well, I pretty much smashed through that and, surprise, now there's a whole sub-basement reserved just for me. I was tormented by someone who turned out to be Himeros' puppet and, oh yeah, I tried to slash my throat. How is any of that in any way better?"

Hades fiddled with the delicate links on his watch chain, absorbed with the task totally. Only the slight flinches as Nico retold the worst parts of his life showed he was even listening. As they kept stepping in and out of dappled shade under the trees and the sunlight glowed on Hades' bone-white skin, turning him an even unhealthier hue that normal. Not that Nico was one to judge — he was well aware that he probably looked seven kinds of hell right now as well.

Nico wished that he had some kind of universal remote for life that he could just press the pause button on right now and come back to this whole conversation later, when he had more of his feelings worked out. He was mad, sure, and definitely betrayed, but what else was he meant to be feeling right now? Happiness that Hades was trying to make up with him? Vindication that he was getting an (albeit stunted) apology for the way that he'd been treated? More anger? His head felt like it was going to explode from all the conflict.

Hades was saying that his addiction could have painted a target on his back for Zeus to smite with lightning. How true was that? He remembered Thalia as a pine tree, and Jason's less-than-stellar start in life and he felt his jaw tighten grimly. If Zeus was that cold towards his own kids, then what hope did Nico have as a nephew, and by a long-estranged brother at that? Maybe Hades had been trying to protect him, but he'd done a terrible job of it.

The gurgling of the Gill reached their ears from some point to their left. Aside from that, there was hardly any sound. Even the birds, which were usually so present in the Ramble, appeared to have been silenced. Nico highly suspected they'd sensed Hades coming and had got out of his way. Birds and other animals were generally a whole lot smarter than people when it came to this sort of thing.

Nico clenched and unclenched his fists, wishing he could think of something to say, but there was just nothing he could think of that would fill the silence. Hades had clearly heard him and was just choosing to walk rather than talk. What else could Nico do? He couldn't exactly beat the information out of his father; he'd be squashed like a bug before he could even think it.

"Please know that I never wanted to do anything to hurt you," Hades said eventually. "And know that I regret letting you down and making you go through that — I did not foresee everything that you would have to suffer through. I'm so sorry for what happened, but please believe me when I say I thought I was doing the best thing for you. I wrongly assumed that time as a mortal would help you deal with a mortal problem, that maybe time away from me and this world would be of benefit to you. I'm sorry that it wasn't. And mark my words, Himeros will get what is coming to him. No minor deity messes with a child of mine and gets away with it."

"You could have helped me," Nico said. "You just sat there on your immortal ass and let me crash and burn."

Hades sighed, taking off his hat, replacing it, and then taking it off again. He jammed it under his arm. "I should have done more," he acknowledged, exasperation showing on his face. "I should have been there. But the truth is, I couldn't find you. What I did… I did it too well. You had vanished completely. I was frantic, Nico, believe me. I even tried your friend the Oracle and she couldn't pick up on you, either. I wanted you back. I wanted to apologise and restore your position but it was too late. It wasn't until Himeros had driven you to… to do what you did that I had any idea where you were."

"And even when you found me you fished me out of the piranha tank only to toss me right back in again the second I had a chance to be free," Nico said darkly. "You found me. You had the opportunity to make things better and you just…" He couldn't continue because the betrayal squeezed his throat closed. He dug his fingernails into his palm to stem the rising tide of tears. "You left me," he said at last, looking Hades right in the face. He didn't care how pathetic he sounded, how small his voice was. "You had the opportunity to save me, to get me out of that train wreck I called a life and instead you dump me in the ER and vanish again? Are you for fucking real?"

Hades cheeks coloured briefly. "That was the hardest thing I have ever done," he said quietly. "You have no idea. I didn't want it to come down to you dying so young. Seeing you there, bleeding, in my arms… I nearly lost myself. I healed your most pressing wound and I considered taking you home to the Underworld, I did. But what could I offer you? A forced rehabilitation and convalescence down in the depths of Hades, away from the humanity you so crave, surrounded by symbols of your unfortunate parentage? What good what that have done you? What good has it done any of my children? How would that have helped you? And besides… you clearly had other ideas. Other needs. You were not headed home to me."

"Percy," Nico said, the surprise evident in his voice. "You mean that I was going to Percy, just like I did this time?"

Hades nodded. "You were. You clearly didn't think of the Underworld as a safe haven anymore. Not that I can say I blame you. You were craving the mortal, the normal, deeply in your subconscious and who was I to take that away from you, to deny what was so deeply rooted within you? You no longer called the Underworld your home. I just assumed it was even more evidence that you needed to deal with things the mortal way, the way that I… I forced upon you. What could I do?"

"You could have let me go to Percy!" Nico burst out with. "I mean, I did this time and I'm doing one hell of a lot better than I did that time. I lasted about five hours sober last time. This time… I'm really trying. I think I can do it. Maybe. I'm going to do my best. Instead you just… ditched me in the ER. I didn't even know who took me there. I didn't know who it was in my life that cared enough to take me. It was as confusing as all hell waking up in that hospital, and it didn't even help me."

"How was I supposed to know that a mortal hospital would let an addict just wander into their pharmacy and load himself down with pharmaceuticals?" Hades said dismissively, a cross edge coming into his voice. "It's ridiculous. I thought mortals had more sense than that. And besides, I let you go to Perseus Jackson this time, did I not? When it was made clear to me that he would have to play a part in this because you couldn't do it by yourself, just as he has in every other prophecy since his miserable birth… It's like he can't stand to let someone else be in the spotlight."

"Whoa, wait, prophecy? Slow down. What prophecy are you talking about?" Nico sputtered, stopping dead in his tracks. "No one said anything about a prophecy. I do not want or need the kind of crap that comes with being mentioned in one of those things — I've seen the mess being part of a prophecy lands people in. Leave me out of anything you think you've got planned. I am not interested."

"It is nothing specific," Hades said, waving a hand. "Don't think of it like the prophecies you are familiar with. It's more… The Fates once told me that a child of mine would bring greatness and glory to the Underworld. So far, that has been true for none of my children. They have ultimately been on the wrong side in countless wars; the other gods have had heroes for children and I have had… well, I haven't been so fortunate.

"I see great things for you, Nico. I sense that you will be the child that brings glory to the realm of Hades. I left you in the hospital because I thought you had to do things for yourself. Perhaps you had to suffer through your problems in the mortal way to shape you for future greatness, to build yourself up for what is to come. I thought you could help yourself on your own if I got you to the hospital — I was wrong. You needed more. I'm sorry for not realising that."

"Look, first of all, can you just quit saying you're freaking sorry, okay?" Nico burst out savagely. "Enough is enough. You're sorry, I get it. But it's not going to make me forgive you any quicker if you say it over and over again. For something like this… it's going to take time. If I can forgive you it's just going to take a lot of time for me to sort out. Besides, you apologising? It's just too weird. You've said sorry more times in the past half an hour than you probably ever had in your life."

"Have you not considered that that is because I have never meant it more in my life than I do now?" Hades asked.

Nico's throat worked. He hadn't considered that. Again, he was just so freaking torn that he didn't know which way to turn, which way was up. On the one hand, his father had cast him out of the Underworld, condemned him to a life of drug dependency and being used as Derek's and ultimately Himeros' plaything. Hades had turned his back on Nico when Nico had needed him the most, abandoned him at a time of desperate need, and it had had disastrous consequences.

On the other hand, Hades hadn't been responsible for what Mimas and Gaea had done to Nico. He hadn't played a part in messing his son up so badly that he'd turned to drugs in the first place. And if what Hades had claimed was true, then the only reason he had banished Nico in the first place was fear over what Zeus would do and his enduring love for his son.

What was Nico supposed to think, especially given that Hades had apparently desperately tried to find Nico to fix it? Was he meant to be mad at the father who banished him, or forgive the father that had plucked him from the brink of death and saved his life? Should he be pissed that Hades had done the world's most half-assed job of saving Nico by dumping him in a building filled to the brim with so many drugs that Nico had felt like a kid in a candy store, when it was Nico's own addiction and not Hades that had resulted in Nico running off with handfuls of fentanyl lozenges?

What was more, how many other gods would be standing here apologising to their children when they got something wrong? As far as Nico knew, Athena had never apologised to Annabeth for her animosity towards Percy in the beginning, for demanding that they never had a relationship and generally being the mother-in-law from hell. Had Zeus ever apologised to Thalia for basically making an example of her by turning her into a pine tree instead of simply saving her life? Gods just didn't tend to apologise, period. If they ever saw what they did was wrong in the first place, which was doubtful, then pride usually prevented them from ever bringing it up again. And yet Hades was practically begging Nico to accept his apologies.

What was Nico meant to do with that?

"Percy Jackson..." Hades began, his voice trailing off. Nico could tell the words came with a bitter taste in his father's mouth.

"What about him?" Nico asked, pretty much sharing his father's feelings on Percy right now, given the stunt Percy and Rachel had pulled in the restaurant.

"You're angry with him," Hades observed.

"No shit," Nico said. "Are you surprised after what he did?"

Hades considered this. "No," he said eventually. "No, I suppose not. But I don't want you to be angry with him."

Nico laughed. "Are you serious?! You don't want me to be mad at Percy? You can't stand him. Who are you to tell me not to be mad at him?"

Hades sighed. "I... no, I can't say I particularly like my nephew," he admitted grudgingly. "You are right. For very good reasons, if you remember. But that is irrelevant. Completely irrelevant. You feel differently."

"Felt differently," Nico corrected. "After today... not so much."

"Are you sure?" Hades said. "You have a connection with him, as much as I hate to admit it. You consider wherever he is your home. That kind of connection doesn't go away easily. And just as you said, it's helping you this time. Don't let this ruin that, for your sake."

"How am I meant to feel?" Nico asked. "How am I meant to react when someone I trust sets a trap for me? I've had enough mind games to last me a lifetime. From Mimas, from Gaea, from Ell, from Himeros... even you've had a good go. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep surrounding myself with people who just... yeah."

"He did not set a trap for you," Hades said. "He did not think that a meeting between us was a good idea, at least not yet, not while you were still so new to recovery. He thought that it might... lead you back down old paths. He could barely speak to me he was so angry. But I insisted. I knew I had to see you, to make things right and I knew that if anyone could handle it, it was you. I persuaded him. Both of them. Do not be angry at either of them. Be angry at me. I know I deserve it. But don't destroy what you have between you and your friends through misplaced anger that should be aimed at me."

Nico fell silent, digesting his father's words. "Percy didn't want you to see me?" he asked eventually.

"I think his first words when I suggested it were, 'If you go anywhere near Nico I will make you regret it'," Hades said, frowning mildly.

Nico was pretty sure he felt his heart stutter at the knowledge that Percy had actually stood up for him. Then what was with the sudden flip-flop and what had just happened? "Seriously?" he asked. "Well, that lasted all of ten seconds. What did you say to make him change his mind?"

"I reminded him of the importance of family," Hades said. "He may be many things, an insufferable brat included, but he is loyal. He will do anything for those he considers his friends. There are no lengths to which he will not go for those he considers his for his friends ends. That is doubly true for those he considers family. You are family to him and him to you not just by godly blood but through shared experiences, through friendship heightened by all that you have been through. He has been there for you at times of great need. As much as I hate to say it, I trust him to do what's best for you. You should, too."

Nico didn't know what to say to that. He had always trusted Percy. Implicitly. Whether he was fighting monsters or trying to get clean or even just wanting someone to listen to him about anything, anything at all, Percy was his go-to guy. And yet… Nico still stung from the blow Percy and Rachel had dealt when they had dumped Hades in his lap. Until now, he had never thought that Percy could do any wrong towards him, even if he'd never admit it, but that illusion had been well and truly shattered.

Hadn't it?

Unless… Percy had been doing the right thing all along by reintroducing his father and Nico was too mad and stupid to see it.

Nico rubbed his eyes, weariness being spun over him like cobwebs. What was the right answer? Was Percy a dick for the Hades-in-a-box trick he'd pulled or just a guy trying to do the right thing? How was he meant to know?

It was another question that Nico didn't know the answer to and another load to add to his burden. Even if he could give his father the slip now, he wasn't sure he would have made it more than ten steps, despite what his plans had been earlier. His thoughts were too heavy, too pressing, and for the first time in a long time he actually wanted to take the time to try and work them through rather than running and hiding from them, wrapping himself in a comforting cocoon of pharmaceuticals until he couldn't hear them clamouring at him anymore.

Oh crap. Was this progress? Growth? Who was he?

They had been walking in a vaguely westerly direction and finally reached Bank Rock Bay. Nico was immensely glad because it gave him an excuse not to speak as he looked out over the glittering expanse of water. They stepped on to Oak Bridge and stopped halfway, by silent mutual consent. Together they leaned on the railings and peered around the dense foliage that was planted right up to the shore to where Bank Rock Bay widened into the Lake beyond.

They were silent for the longest time yet, but with the gentle plashing of the water against the shore and the bridge below them, the creaking of the wood around them as people made their way across the bridge, and the sight of the Lake to draw their eyes and focus, it was nowhere near as uncomfortable as it had been.

"You had good reasons for doing what you did," Nico said eventually, keeping his gaze focused straight ahead. Better to acknowledge that now and get it out of the way. "Or at least… you thought you did."

Hades tilted his head. "Perhaps. Although I also had many bad reasons. Far too many bad reasons."

"Yeah, no shit. It was the wrong thing to do, even if you thought you were doing it for the right reasons," Nico said. "I didn't need to be made to feel more alone, weaker, more vulnerable, more helpless… I was already feeling all of those things. Mimas really screwed me up. He took so much from me. When you took away anything he left behind over a few stupid Vicodin… how do you think that made me feel?"

"Betrayed," Hades said, with a heavy sigh and lead weights in his voice. "You felt like I'd betrayed you. And I admit, it was not my finest hour. I acted too fast, too rashly. I thought—"

"I know," Nico said. "You said. You thought that I would benefit from dealing with things the mortal way. And maybe you were right, to a point. Maybe I did need to get my shit together as a human being before I got my shit together as a demigod. But that choice wasn't yours to make and you made it anyway. And everything that has happened since then… it could have been so different. So you get why this is hard, right? Why forgiving you… it's not a switch that I can just turn on. You fucked up. A lot. Not as much as I did, sure, and for some really good reasons generally, but you still did. It's going to take me a while to be okay with that."

"I understand," Hades said. "But I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me eventually. You are my son, Nico, and you are dear to me despite my, as you put it, 'fuck ups'. I would give anything for us to be reconciled."

"I don't want to be mad at you forever," Nico said, staring unseeingly down at the water beneath them. He was surprised that he actually meant what he was saying. "I know it might seem like that but seriously, I don't. You're my father. Despite everything. And I get that you thought you were doing the right thing. I get that you were worried about me and scared and didn't know how to help. I get that you changed your mind once you'd done it, as well. But none of that changes the fact that you did it in the first place. I mean it helps, maybe it makes me hate you a little less, but… I still don't know if I can trust you. I just need..."

"Time," Hades supplied. "You are going to ask me for time."

Nico nodded. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear," he said. "But I need to process all of this stuff. I actually want to process all of this stuff instead of pretending it doesn't exist. Weird, I know. I've learned so much in the last few hours that I can't even begin to…" He broke off, scrubbing a hand across his face. "I'm so damn tired," he said.

His father had banished him and then tried to search desperately for him. His father had saved Nico's life after condemning his only living son to a miserable existence that had been the whole reason Nico had needed his life saving in the first place. His father hadn't denied him access to his mother for all these years out of cruelty — it was about a wound that hadn't healed seven decades on. His father had thrown him to Himeros and his pack of wolves, of which Derek was the alpha, to prevent Zeus from pinning a target to his back. It was just so messed up that Nico wasn't sure he could ever get it straight in his head.

He was suddenly cripplingly exhausted, the influx of information apparently having taken its toll more than he thought.

"I hope you have considered what I have said today, Nico," Hades said. "Please know that I meant every word. All I want is for you to be safe, to be happy."

"And to grow up to become the Underworld's ultimate champion?" Nico asked with a bitter bite to his voice. His stare at the water hardened drastically; the surface snapped into sudden focus and he was met by a wobbly rendition of the blue sky above them, ran through with wiggling ripples.

Hades hesitated. "Yes," he said slowly. "But not at the cost of your health and happiness. The time I have spent without you… it makes me realise how much I value you, how much you mean to me. I would rather have you be okay and not the one to bring glory to Hades than have you as my champion and see you miserable and in pain."

"Good," Nico said. "I hope you mean that because you should know I'm not pissing my pants with excitement over being the champion of Hades. I can't even be the champion over... you know. Pills. So I don't know how I'm meant to be your champion. I am the biggest screw up in the history of screw ups, so I don't think I'm the one. Don't get your hopes up."

"Nico, I don't think you realise just how special you are," Hades said. "You are sixteen years old, still a child, and yet you have been through enough to last a lifetime. Several lifetimes. You have experienced the depravity of the Giants and Gaea firsthand and managed to come out the other side and be standing here now. You have had the strength of will and character to hold yourself together through everything, despite everything. How many mortals do you think would be having this conversation now? Do you really think that they would have made it through what you did? Half the demigods at that ridiculous summer camp would not have made it through what you did. You are strong, resilient and brave. I am proud to call you my son no matter what."

Nico snorted. Throughout Hades' speech, he'd been picking at his cuticles with his thumbnail and now stuck his forefinger in his mouth to rip off some hanging skin. He barely noticed the pain or the coppery tang of blood on his tongue.

"Strong? Brave? You're saying it like I skipped away from Mimas like I was carrying a bag of sunshine and kittens," Nico said darkly, spitting the slither of skin in his mouth over the side of the bridge. "In case you didn't notice, I ended up sampling the A to Z of FDA-approved drugs and then some. And after that I decided that I couldn't face the shit that came with being alive, living with the flashbacks of what happened, coping with just keeping breathing, so I decided to quit. You think that's coping? You think that's strong and resilient and brave? Are you fucking insane?"

"I've been told so," Hades said. "Many times. But I am not mad in this. I am not crazy for believing in you and being able to marvel at the fact that you made it through one of the worst ordeals and are still here now, despite what you may have done in between. After I rescued you and took you to the hospital, you could easily have tried to end your life again and yet you did not. Here we are. What does that say?"

"That I'm a coward," Nico said. "That I only had the courage to try once and haven't had the guts to do it again."

"Have you wanted to do it again?" Hades asked.

Nico considered the question for a long time. He turned around and slid down the bridge's railings, sitting with his legs outstretched. His fingers lightly traced the wood beneath him, exploring the grit and dirt he found there, which was raked towards him when his hands contracted into fists. The sun burned through the denim of his borrowed jeans.

"No," he finally said, surprised at the answer and how genuine he sounded. His fists gradually relaxed, although not before he had got half of the dirt in Central Park lodged up his fingernails. "No, I've not... it's never been that bad. Not since that night."

"Do you not realise the immense courage it is taking for you to continue living with what has happened to you?" Hades asked. "You are choosing a difficult path. To live with the memories, the pain, the addiction, the sadness... that is not easy."

"So what, if living is hard then you think trying to kill yourself is easy?!" Nico demanded, his head rearing up so he could look Hades in the face. His eyes flashed angrily. "You think anyone who kills themselves is taking the easy route out? Do you have any idea... but no. Of course you don't. You're going to live forever, how could you? Just because mortals go down to your realm and you get dominion over them when they're dead doesn't mean it's a fucking picnic for them. I would rather face Mimas and Gaea all over again, a hundred times, even, than have to feel the way I felt that night. It took every ounce of strength I had to decide I didn't want to live anymore. And sure, maybe just the death part is easier than living with everything that happened, but actually gettingto the Underworld under your own steam isn't some stroll in the park. Don't you dare think that someone who kills themselves is a coward."

"That is not what I meant," Hades said. "Living is difficult, especially given what you've been through, but obviously with a finite mortal lifespan, choosing to die is not easy, either. I know that."

"Do you?" Nico asked pointedly. "I'm not sure you do. Just because people end up downstairs with you when their life is over doesn't mean they can't wait. You might be happy to see them but I don't know how happy any of them are to see you."

"I take no pleasure it welcoming the souls of the departed," Hades said glumly. "Nor do I take any pleasure in sensing the aura of death that hangs over all mortals and especially over groups of them as large as in this city. I was given the Underworld by my brothers when they were dividing up the world. Do you think I wanted the Underworld, the dead, over the seas or the skies? I might be, as you put it, fucking insane, but I am not mad enough to pick dominion over all below the ground and the dead over what else was on offer. But that is the lot that I drew in life: now it is who I am. Who I have had to become."

"Yeah, well, you don't look like you're hating it," Nico muttered. "The palace, the throne room, the robe of souls, the skeleton servants… How terrible for you."

"I have made the best of a bad situation!" Hades snapped, anger rising in him for the first time since they had entered the park. "Don't judge me for that. You say I have all of these things, but what about the things that I don't have? Before the Second Titan War, I couldn't even visit Olympus more often than one day a year. My home was barred to me, my wife forcibly parted from me for six months out of every twelve. There was a whole list of things I was not permitted to do and you think a few servants and gemstones make up for that?"

Nico closed his eyes. He didn't need his father's issues dumped on him as well, especially not right now. Besides, he was actually sympathising with him, which was just weird and unexpected. Being a child of Hades wasn't exactly easy, either, so he kind of knew how his dad felt. "No," he said. "No, they don't. I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology," Hades said stiffly.

Nico drew his legs into his chest and rested his eye sockets into his knees, enjoying the darkness this brought. They had fallen silent again, which was giving Nico an uncomfortable amount of time to think, which was in turn giving him a headache. When he uncurled himself, the light blinded him temporarily and he blinked hard at the blobs that drifted across his vision.

"What now?" he asked. "Where do we go from here? I don't… yeah."

"I've said all that I needed to say," Hades said simply. "I've said that I do care for you quite a bit, that you are my son, and that I should never have done what I did. What you choose to do with that is up to you. But Nico… for both of our sake's, please don't take too long over this. You've been missing for too long already and now you are here… I don't want us to be estranged. You and you alone have been responsible for some of the biggest changes in me and my standing amongst the other gods for millennia. Not since I was regurgitated when my father was killed have things changed for me so monumentally in such a short space of time. I have a throne on Olympus and the freedom to go there whenever I want. I have the respect of the other gods. Relations between my brothers and I… well, they're not perfect but they're better than they've ever been. Without you, Nico, without you persuading me to do the right thing, I'd have none of that and Kronos would probably be ruling the world. You are like none of my other children. No one but you could have made this happen. You are special and you are missed and one day, when you are ready… I want you to come home."

Nico swallowed hard. He wasn't used to hearing such high praise from, well, anyone let alone his father and he wasn't sure that he knew how to react.

"Fine," he eventually managed. "Fine, but I want you to respect that I stand by what I said. This is my home. This is where I want to be, where I need to be. Maybe one day, when I'm ready, I'll be able to face the Underworld again but until then…"

Hades held up his hands. "I am not going to force you to do anything," he said. "I want you to take as much time as you need. Before you come home, I want you to really be sure you're doing the right thing. To make sure you're doing it for you and not for anyone else. Besides, dragging people off to my realm… it's not always worked out so well for me in the past. But think on this matter. Really consider it. I want you by my side once more."

"Fine," Nico said. "I promise I'll think about it." He didn't really have much of a choice, did he? He was going to be thinking about nothing else for days at the very least. He hauled himself to his feet, dusted off his hands and the seat of Percy's jeans.

"That is all I ask," Hades said. "Now I must depart. Thank you for talking with me today. I know it can't have been easy and I know you probably wanted to be anywhere else, but I appreciate you taking the time to listen to my side of the story. I hope it… I hope it helped you. And I mean what I say: I really do just want you to be happy."

"It did," Nico said. "It did help. As for the happy… I don't know about that. That's going to take a lot more work, you know? I'm not sure I'm familiar with the whole concept. But maybe I can get there eventually." He paused. "You know… you didn't have to say you were sorry," he said. "Not every god would have done that. I mean, it freaked me the fuck out and please don't do it again but still… thank you, I guess?"

"You are more than welcome," Hades said. "And more than deserving of my apology. I have wronged you tremendously and an apology is the least I owe you."

"Okay" Nico said uncomfortably, shoving his hands in his pockets. Humility and gods was not meant to go together like this. It was just too weird. "So, I'm going to… yeah. Go." He gestured vaguely over his shoulder with his thumb turned to leave, heading back the way they had come.

"Wait," Hades said.

Nico heard him snap his fingers and turned just as his father was crossing the space between them clutching something in his hand. Nico blinked in shock at the familiarity of the object, his heart quickening in his chest.

"That's…" He couldn't finish, his mouth drying up and shrivelling the rest of the sentence with it. "That's my sword," he continued eventually, his voice thick and heavy when he finally got his mouth to cooperate.

"It is," Hades said, holding it out to Nico.

The sword was in its scabbard and attached to its sword belt; Nico drank in the sight of the scarred and worn leather and the hilt of the sword he knew better than the back of his own hand. How many times had he longed to have it back? And now… here it was. He couldn't do anything but stare at it, watch as the blade mercilessly devoured the sunlight falling on it. His fingers twitched; he had been about to reach for it but stopped at the last minute, almost afraid that, like a dying man in a desert seeing an oasis, it was nothing but a mirage.

The sword pretty much symbolised who he was. Whereas the other demigods had to make do with celestial bronze, Nico had this sword and with it his entire status as Prince of the Underworld slung casually at his hip. The blade terrified mortals and monsters, friends and foe, alike and it was right here, almost in his grasp after so many years being without it. Did he dare take it? What did that mean if he took possession of the sword again?

"Take it," Hades said, starting to frown. "Don't you want it back?"

"You have no idea," Nico said softly, still not taking his eyes off the sword. "You have no idea how much I want to be the person who fought with that sword again, but…"

"But what?" Hades asked, his frown deepening.

Nico tore his gaze away from the sword, looking down at his shoes. "But I'm not that person anymore," he said. "I can't just take the sword and suddenly go back to the way things were. And you can't give it back to me and think that it makes everything okay, either, because it really doesn't."

"I'm giving it to you because it's yours," Hades said. "And yes, perhaps because it is a logical first step in you accepting the Underworld but mostly it's just because it's yours and I think you should wield it again. You are no different from the person you were before Mimas and that cavern. If anything, you are a hundred times stronger now than you were then. You were great once with this sword — with it now, you could be glorious, magnificent. I want all those things for you."

"I don't know if I can," Nico said, looking up at his father. "I just don't know anymore."

"I know," Hades said emphatically. "I have never been surer of anything in my life. Take the sword, Nico. It belongs to you. It belongs with you."

Again Nico's fingers twitched and he lunged forwards spasmodically to take the sword before he could change his mind again. As soon as he took hold of the hilt, he could feel the blade like it was an extension of his arm. He knew it intimately, right down to the point vanished into a tip too fine to even see, and a surge of power from the knowledge that it was simply there at his side threatened to overwhelm him.

"You see?" Hades said.

Nico unsheathed the sword and held it out, his eyes roving along the length of the blade. The balance hadn't changed; it was exactly as he remembered it. He sheathed the sword and buckled the belt it around his waist; even the notch that made it the smallest, which was worn wider than its neighbours as the hole he had always used, made the belt rest low on his hips rather than around his waist. Despite that, it felt so natural for it to be there and he automatically rested his hand on the hilt.

"I see," he admitted. "Look, I'm going to keep it okay? But don't expect me to be glorious with it. I mean, I don't even have my powers. Monsters don't know I exist. They're not going to come running until they do and I'm not going to have much chance to use it so it's going to be baby steps, got it?"

Hades blinked at him. "What do you mean?" he said. "I returned your powers to you when I touched you on the shoulder at the restaurant. You don't think that I've been causing all of those earthquakes, do you?" He laughed. "I have much more self-control than that. Contrary to popular belief, I've had quite a bit of practise."

Nico's legs almost gave way under him and he had to clutch the railing of the bridge for support. He had his powers again? He was back up and running, an actual demigod again, and he hadn't even known? And… was that even what he wanted? Shouldn't he at least have been consulted? "Wh-what?"

"I've had quite a bit of practise lately," Hades repeated. "At controlling myself. Although I understand that it may not appear so at times. After what happened between us, I never want to act so rashly again where you are concerned."

"No, I mean—"

"Well, that completes everything I came here to do," Hades said briskly in a business-like manner. "Please think about everything we have discussed today. Now, I promised your friend the Oracle that I would return you to Percy Jackson's home, so…"

"Wait—" Nico tried, but Hades waved his arm and Nico vanished into a pitch dark howling hurricane.

---

Percy was sitting at the table in his kitchen when Nico reappeared.

"Whoa," Nico said, staggering slightly as he tried to regain his balance. It had been a long time since he had done that. He looked down at his hands, opening and closing them in front of his face. Traces of shadows slithered from his fingertips, dropping from his hands like satisfied leeches and making a beeline for the darkness beneath the couch.

So this was it, huh? This is what it felt like to be a true demigod again. He still wasn't sure how he felt about it but he guessed there wasn't exactly a lot of room to make a U-turn now.

Percy jumped up, startled, knocking the chair over backwards and clutching at his chest.

"What the hell, Nico?!" he demanded. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" He took some time to return his breathing to normal and was bending down to pick up the chair when he stopped and snapped back to standing. "Wait, did you just shadow-travel? And is that your sword?"

Nico folded his arms. "Okay, first of all, you don't get to be pissed at me for anything after that crap you and Rachel pulled. I scare you half to death, you have to put up with that because, wow, that was a dick move. And second of all yes, yes I did shadow-travel. And yup, my sword is back."

Well, technically, Hades had shadow-travelled Nico here but if what Hades had said was right then Nico would be able to do it himself from now on, so…

Percy sighed, running a hand across his face. He crossed the apartment and threw himself down face first onto the couch, burying his head in the cushions and groaning into them. "I know," he said, his voice muffled through a mouthful of sofa. "I know: I suck. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Yes you do," Nico said, moving towards Percy and flopping into an armchair, propping his feet up on the coffee table. "As long as we're on the same page."

Percy sat up. "I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm good," Nico said. He actually kind of meant it as well. Talking with his father hadn't been completely horrible. It hadn't been easy, but it hadn't killed him, either.

Percy winced, clearly taking what Nico had said the wrong way. "Look, don't hate me, okay? At first, I thought getting you together with your dad was like the worst idea in the history of bad ideas and then he talked me around and I don't know. Rachel was there and she's normally good with this crap, not that I'm blaming Rachel because we both made the decision, but she thought that maybe we should try it and I got persuaded and I know that's no excuse and I shouldn't have done, but—"

Nico cut him off by raising a hand. "Okay, first of all? You're rambling. Second of all…" He let out a breath through his nose. "Second of all, okay, maybe — just maybe — it was the right thing to do." He said the last part reluctantly, but the fact was that he was kind of glad that he'd got to speak with his dad. Something that didn't altogether suck had actually come out of it, surprisingly.

Percy looked at him quizzically. "Are you high?" he demanded suddenly, leaning closer to Nico. "Show me your pupils."

"I'm not high," Nico said. "So stop looking at me like that. Seriously, it's weird. And I'm not saying that a surprise reunion was a good idea because yeah, that was idiotic, but… I didn't realise how much he had to say. Hell, I didn't even realise how much I had to say. I'd never have found out if it wasn't for you." He saw Percy's eyes narrow and he rolled his own. "I am NOT high!"

"Yeah, well, you get that it's kind of hard for me to believe, right?" Percy said. "I mean, you've gone from hating your father's guts and now you're just forgiving him? Just like that?"

"I haven't forgiven him," Nico said shortly. "And I told him that. I told him that he couldn't expect miracles overnight. But it was… well, it didn't suck to hear what he had to say."

"Well, okay. That's a start, right?" Percy said.

Nico stared at the floor. "I don't know, is it?" he asked. "When I left the restaurant, I wanted so bad to just run away. I kept thinking of a million different places I could disappear and no one would ever find me, where there'd be something to take the edge off. I would have done it as well if I hadn't nearly ended up as roadkill. It's not really the start of anything except me realising all over again how screwed up I am. I really, really wanted to, Percy. I could have disappeared and never had to deal with any of this again and I wanted to. I can't tell you how much."

"But you didn't," Percy said. "You made it through."

"Accidentally," Nico said shakily. "And it was pretty close. If my father had been two seconds later I probably would have gone and I wouldn't be here right now. I nearly screwed up. Badly. I nearly threw away everything. What kind of person am I who would just do that? I would have just tossed it back in your face."

"Look, Nico, we both know this was never going to happen overnight," Percy said. "You're allowed to have thoughts like that. You've been an addict. They're going to be part of your life and that's not your fault. And I'm always going to be here keeping your ass in line. If you think you can pull the same disappearing act on me again, you're wrong. Don't forget it."

"I am an addict," Nico corrected with a slight crack in his voice as he faced the reality of it. "I'm sorry, Percy."

"For what?"

"For… I don't know." Nico sighed. "I suck. I shouldn't be forcing you to deal with this. I'm sorry for everything. For getting into this mess in the first place, for asking you to bail me out, for Himeros, for... yeah. Everything. I don't know. Maybe I've spent too much time with my father. He kept apologising. Every ten seconds he was saying sorry for something."

"You don't need to be sorry," Percy said. "I told you: no matter what, I'm here for you. And wow, you should have sold tickets to your dad saying sorry. I don't think anyone would ever have believed he even knew how to say it. So, he gave you back your powers? And your sword? That's… pretty big."

Nico smiled. "What, afraid you've got some Big Three competition on your hands?" he asked.

Nico longed to try out shadow-travelling again, if only to show off, but something held him back. He hoped that Hades knew that returning his powers didn't just fix things. It wasn't like some switch you could flip, or a gift you could give that automatically made everything better, because it really didn't. It wasn't magically going to heal the rift between them, and he wished he'd had chance to say that to Hades personally. Maybe he would even have refused his powers if he'd been given a choice, at least for now. But he hadn't been given a choice and now here he was.

Just one more thing to deal with.

Percy snorted. "As if. I meant are you okay with it? It's a massive change. Are you ready for it?"

Nico shrugged with one shoulder. "Honestly? I don't know. If I'd had the choice then I'd probably have said no, hold off and wait for me to get my head together but maybe it was better I didn't get a choice. Otherwise I probably would have kept saying no. As much as it sucked to be cut off from the Underworld and my powers... I was free, Percy. For the first time in the longest time, I felt free. I mean yeah, I made a mess of it but I was finally just another normal person. It felt so good. Maybe it's better for me to just have them and deal with it sooner rather than later, you know?"

"If you say so," Percy said. "I just don't want you to deal with anything you're not ready for. I don't want this to be that one thing that sends you back over the edge. But if you think it's helping, then we're okay."

"For now, it's helping," Nico said. "Whether it will still be helping when the next monster sniffs us both out and drops in is another matter but for now... yeah. I'm okay with it. I promise."

"Then that's all that matters," Percy said. "And hey, a monster can try and drop in if it likes. Good luck to it now you're back in the game. I'm glad that the whole thing helped, even if it only helped a little. It's something. I'm sorry I forced you into it, though, I really am. And you're right, it was a dick move, but we didn't think you'd actually agree to meet him if you knew he was going to be there."

"I wouldn't have," Nico said. "I wouldn't have gone within ten miles of the place if I knew he'd be sitting there. And at first I was pretty pissed at you and Rachel, sure, but then… I don't know. By the time we were done talking, I felt like maybe it was worth it, kind of? One talk with him hasn't made things all better and I know that it's going to take a long time before I can trust him again, but yeah, it was a start. I got enough out of it for me to be talking to you right now, anyway. If it had gone badly then maybe not."

"You mean I missed out on the silent treatment from you?" Percy asked disappointedly. "Oh man."

"You may now go fuck yourself," Nico said dignifiedly, adding a sniff.

Percy grinned. "Whatever. Like you'd have been able to stay quiet for five seconds if you were pissed at me. Or just… ever."

"Asshat," Nico said.

"Emo," Percy shot back.

A smile flitted across Nico's face briefly before it withered and died. He was grateful that he had Percy, so grateful, and he didn't think he could do this without him, but was it really fair to Percy to expect him to fix things? He was thankful that Percy could manage to bring a sense of normalcy to his life despite everything, but at what personal cost to himself? Was he just some vampire, sucking Percy dry and not able to give anything back in return? Nico knew that Percy was going to do his best to help him, and Percy's best was pretty much awesomeness personified, but did he really deserve it?

He thought back to where he'd be now if it wasn't for Percy. Probably dead, and if not dead then down in the Underworld, going through this whole process by himself. He had no idea how Percy did it, but he always seemed to be the glue that held everything together for most of the people in his life. Nico hoped that Percy had a lot of glue to go around, because he knew that he had been shattered into so many tiny little pieces that it was going to take a vat of glue before anything looked and felt remotely like the way it had been before. Yet at the same time, guilt wormed its way through him as he thought of everything he was asking Percy to do for him, everything he was asking Percy to try and fix. That was a lot of pressure to just toss at someone and Nico wasn't sure he was comfortable with being the kind of person who did that.

Percy suddenly clambered up, vaulting the back of the couch and heading towards the kitchen. "Hey, do you want something to eat? I'm feeling Thai food." He opened a drawer in the kitchen and takeout menus immediately erupted, making a mad dash for freedom from the overstuffed drawer.

"Didn't you eat at the restaurant?" Nico said.

Percy wrinkled his nose, extracting a menu and then jamming the jaw closed again. "It was weird, rich people food. I ended up asking for a burger but it came out and it was basically like… raw. It was a rare hamburger. Who eats a rare hamburger? And then I kept thinking about how the waiter had probably spat in it because I asked for it in the first place so yeah, it didn't get eaten. Luckily, Rachel paid the bill. They probably charged about seventy bucks or something for it." He waved the menu. "Thai?"

Nico frowned at the flapping menu, unsure of whether he actually wanted anything, but then his stomach answered for him. It growled, actually growled, at the mention of food. He had no idea when he'd actually last felt hungry but now he was he decided to make the most of it. "Sure, but I want pad Thai with pork."

"Got it," Percy said, putting his head down and reading the menu.

"And crispy-fried noodles," Nico continued suddenly. "And they do this thing sometimes with chicken and cashew nuts. Ooh, and crab cakes. You have to get those. And maybe something with duck?"

Percy looked up from the menu then crossed the apartment and wordlessly handed it over to Nico. He took his seat on the couch again and watched Nico going over the menu, surprised that Nico actually wanted to, you know, eat considering the way he'd picked at the French toast that morning. This had to be a good sign, right? A sign that the drugs were loosening their hold?

The papers that Rachel had printed off for him were still scattered around the apartment from where Nico had crashed into him earlier. Percy's eyes drifted over them, wondering if one of the pages had all the answers on it, but somehow he didn't think you could print life hacks like that off the Internet. Instead he was just left wondering what was next? Where did they go from here?

Percy looked back to Nico, who was absorbed deeply in reading the menu and had no idea he was being observed. Flashes of everything that Rachel had shown him flitted darkly across his consciousness and he couldn't suppress a shudder. Nico had been through so much. Hell, he'd been through more in the last couple of months than most people went through in a couple of decades, and when that was added with what had come before… Well, it was no wonder that Nico had got so lost. Percy hated it. He wished he could just wipe the slate clean but life didn't work that way.

Sure, Nico may seem happy now but how deep did that happiness really go? There was so much that Nico didn't say, that he held deep inside, and that frightened Percy. Percy could only deal with the stuff that Nico was willing to talk to him about or the stuff that was obvious on the surface — if there were things Nico continued to keep locked up then what could Percy do for him? Why couldn't there just be some kind of nectar for the type of pain Nico was in, like there was for physical wounds?

He knew he had to help Nico; he had always known it but it had become clearer now than it had ever been. Nico deserved a way out and Percy was going to do his best to help Nico find it, however long that took and whatever form it should take. Percy couldn't go back and fix the past and make it so that Mimas had never happened — although he would if he could — so the most he could do was just sit here and help Nico through it one day at a time. Even if that meant making hard decisions like setting up a meeting between Nico and Hades, Percy was going to make sure he did everything he could to help Nico heal.

He sighed deeply, scratching the back of his head. It was a long road ahead for Nico, especially with everything that he was leaving behind, but Percy was going to take every step with him. He owed Nico that. Percy was pretty sure that Nico's kind of problems didn't have a definite finishing line to cross. There was no point in the future where Nico's problems were suddenly going to vanish, but he knew that he could at least try to get Nico to a better place.

One step at a time.