I absolutely loved your reviews! I was a little worried about the Cassidy baby reaction! I debated so much about Olivia being pregnant, but I also had so much drama and storyline in my head if she was. So hold on tight :) Thank you so much for your input and your reviews! -M

Ch. 12

She talked in her sleep.

She mumbled words that were barely audible.

But it seemed that she said more in her sleep than she said when she came home from the hospital.

Home to my apartment.

I gave her, her silence.

I have her, her space.

I didn't push or prod.

She showered, and I had her favorite sweatpants, that were my favorite sweatpants laid out for her with a t-shirt just as I had the last time she was here.

I gave her silence.

I gave her space.

When I got in bed she was asleep.

She was lying there; her hair had dried in waves, her bruised cheek a stark contrast to her clean make-up free face.

The covers were pushed down around her hips, her arm thrown lazily across my side of the bed.

My side.

I moved her arm gently next to her.

She didn't flinch.

My eyes traced the curves her body, I watched the rise and fall of her chest, I even found my self lost in the thought of the baby that only a few hours ago neither of us knew existed, and that was now all consuming.

I wanted to touch her, hold her, but I wouldn't.

I couldn't.

I turned out the light, lying down next to her; my eyes wide open in the dark.

I laid there for hours thinking and eventually listening to whatever she was trying to verbalize in her sleep that she couldn't yet verbalize with me.

aoaoaoaoaoaoaooaoao

I woke up, my eyes opening to her no longer lying beside me.

There was a moment where I felt a bit of panic because she wasn't there.

All that had transpired in the last two days would cause a bit of panic.

I got out of bed, my bare feet padding against the hardwood floor.

I found her looking out the window to the view of the city.

Her eyes fixated on the world below.

"Good morning," I said softly as to not startle her.

She tuned to look at me, the sun illuminating her face.

"Good morning."

"Have you been up long?"

"For a little while," she said turning back to the window.

I walked closer towards her.

"How's the world out there?"

"Still spinning."

"You had breakfast?"

"I made coffee." Olivia said holding up her cup.

"Should you…?"

"A cup of coffee is fine… I Googled it."

I grinned, shaking my head.

I couldn't help but grin.

Neither of us knew anything about having a baby.

I made my way to the kitchen seeking the coffee.

"Pancakes?" I asked looking through the cabinets, hoping to find something that she would agree to eat.

Olivia tuned back towards me.

She gave me a shy smile.

"I haven't had pancakes in forever."

"So I'll take that as a yes?"

She nodded, "sounds good."

"You'll sit, keep me company?" I requested, motioning towards the seat at the counter.

She sat as I started breakfast.

She sat in silence though.

Her eyes fixated on the counter top like they were on the view from the window.

She was easily a million miles away.

"Blueberry or chocolate chips?"

I waited for her response.

"Earth to Olivia."

"Hmm?"

"Blueberry or chocolate chips in your pancakes?"

"Oh, chocolate of course."

"Good choice!" I said making sure she caught me smile and hoping she would give me a smile back.

Another bout of silence.

Silence I may have to learn to get used to.

"How about Mexico?" She said out of nowhere.

"Mexico?" I asked, looking to her.

Seeing her hands fidgeting.

"I still want to go on that vacation we talked about."

"Ok… yeah."

"Maybe Puerto Vallarta? I've never been. It seems like it would fun."

I was completely thrown off by the vacation conversation.

That was what she was thinking about?

Mexico?

"Yeah um, I've never been either." I said a bit hesitantly.

"You still want to go?"

"Yes I do, I do want to go. It sounds great."

Olivia gave me a quick smile; I guess satisfied that I wanted to go.

"So when do you want to go?" I asked.

"About two months ago." She said dryly.

I understood what she was referring to.

Actually beside "Googling" if she should have her morning coffee it was the only reference she made to being pregnant.

I handed her a plate of pancakes and gestured for her to follow me to the table where I hoped we could talk.

"So just let me know when you want go. I'll be ready." I said trying to sound more excited.

"It's just been a rough couple of weeks you know. I just need time to let things go for just a second… or maybe a couple of days. Then I can come back and… and do whatever it is I'm supposed to do."

"Yeah that sounds like a plan." I said agreeing.

I did agree.

Maybe a vacation was exactly what she needed.

We finished breakfast in silence.

The silence I was getting used to.

After breakfast I took our plates to the sink and Olivia went back to the window.

I watched her, studying her.

The look on her face, the way she folded and unfolded her arms in to her chest like she was unsettled.

"We could talk." I said making my way towards her.

She turned to look at me, letting out a breathy laugh.

"So much to talk about. I guess I'm not really sure where to start."

I sat down the couch, letting her sit, or stand, or pace… whatever she wanted to do.

Truthfully I wasn't sure where to start either.

"Well I can think of a variety of subjects we're both trying to avoid."

She turned back to the window and I endured that fucking silence once again.

"Why did you kiss me?

Oh God. Couldn't we talk about the baby? Or Cassidy? Something else first?

"Liv."

"You probably regret it now anyway huh?"

"What?" I asked

She never turned to look at me, she never explained her comment.

"I only regret making you feel uncomfortable. I regret not being able abide by my own rules?" I answered.

"Your rules?'

I ran my hand through my hair, thinking…

Calculating my words.

I should say it. I should say everything.

And at this point we weren't even having a conversation face to face so fuck it…

"I set rules for myself and I broke the number one rule."

"Your number one rule was to not kiss me?"

"Yes, it was to not kiss you."

"Why did you want to kiss me?"

"Liv."

"Alex." She said turning to glace at me for a moment and then back to the window.

"What do you want me to say? You want me to confess? I mean what good would it do? What would it change? I've already made it awkward. I've already broke the rules…"

"Because I need to know if when you kissed me it meant something." I watched her head drop. "I need to know if I lead you on and it was just a moment where you thought kissing me would be fun, or if you at that moment were willing to risk everything… to kiss me."

"I'm in love with you."

My heart was racing, my mouth felt numb… Oh God.

Olivia turned around looking at me her arms once again folded across her chest, her lip tucked between her teeth.

I let out a nervous laugh.

"I take it back. I think rule number one should have been not blurting out that I'm in love with you." I said my face now falling in to the palm of my hands.

"Alex." I could feel her coming towards me; she sat down on the coffee table in front of me. "Alex, look at me."

I looked up at her.

"Liv I don't need this pity speech you're about to give me."

"No pity speech." She said pulling my hands away from my face.

I looked at her and then diverted my eyes away.

She pulled back, sitting up straighter.

"God, I didn't see myself here." She said, shaking her head.

"Liv, I'm so sorry."

She laughed again that nervous laugh.

"Liv."

"What? Alex… What am I supposed to do? What am I suppose to say? The irony that every fucking man I've ever been with has given up on me, including the man who is the father of this baby and here you are my best friend, the one person who has never broken my heart is sitting here telling me that you're in love with me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel?"

"Liv you don't have to feel the same way I feel about you. I mean know you don't feel the same. When I kissed you I obviously didn't control my feeling or what I was doing. And even if I am in love with you…" I clenched my eyes shut for a moment, pausing if anything to breath. "Olivia I've been in love with you for a long time…"

"But I didn't know then."

I let out a deep breath.

"And you do now and I can't take it back, just like when I kissed you, I can't take it back. So it's your call to let me be in your life despite how I feel for you…"

Olivia stood up.

Her pacing began.

"You still feel that way?" She asked.

"Don't you think if I could just shut off the way I feel I would have? Don't you think I know you have enough to deal with than me thinking about getting in your pants?"

Olivia stopped looking at me.

"Oh shit!" I said completely embarrassed at what just came from my mouth. "What is wrong with me!"

Olivia laughed.

She actually laughed.

"This is completely dysfunctional… God, why didn't you run out the door when the doctor said I was pregnant?"

"I'm not leaving you."

"Stop saying that!

"I won't, because I'm not! I'm not bailing on you like Cassidy did!"

"But you're going to get wrapped up in this and it's all just so messed up. It will be so messed up."

"And I told you it will be ok, that everything will be ok."

"You don't deserve to have this in your life."

"This? You? A baby? What is this?"

"I don't want you resenting me, even hating me because I have things all fucked up. Or… if I don't reciprocate how you feel about me."

"I told you I know you don't feel the same."

"Why are you ok with that?"

I stood up, standing on the opposite side of the couch from her.

"Because I tried being away from you. I tried purposefully to not be in your life."

"You what?" She asked confused.

"The night at the art galley, when you caught me out on the steps as I was leaving… I was trying to avoid you."

"What? Why, why?"

"Because Olivia I had been purposefully trying to avoid you for a year because of exactly everything that has happened. I tried to avoid you because I didn't want to blurt out I was in love with you, I didn't want to kiss you and freak you out. It was better to just let things be than me do this! Better than me ruining our friendship."

"You haven't ruined our friendship and for the record I would have rather you kissed me than avoided me for a year!"

"You can't say things like that!"

"But I mean it! I would rather us fight about this, I would rather have an awkward moment than not have you in my life!"

"That's was kind of the conclusion I came to as well." I said giving in.

Olivia made a few steps closer to me.

"What do you mean?"

"After we had brunch, after having our first Martini Thursday in forever… I was happy to just have you back in my life. And I realized that I was much more miserable avoiding you than I was just not telling you I felt about you. "

"But then you kissed me?"

"You know… actually I'm starting to think that maybe avoiding was a better idea!"

She laughed a hardy laugh.

And I grinned.

For a moment I was so happy to be the butt of her sarcasm.

Olivia leaned down on the back of the couch near me.

I could tell there was something else she needed to say by the way she took her time.

She looked up at me, her eyes dark, now serious.

"I need you Alex."

I shook my head to just to tell her I understood.

I waited a moment and then leaned down on the back of the couch beside her.

"I'm right here." I said as she leaned in placing her head on my shoulder.

Liv, I'm right here.