Well here it is, apologies for the wait but this one was a tricky one to write. I'm still not sure I'm completely happy with it but I'm probably simply being silly. Thank you for everyone how reviews I really do appreciate them, never think that I don't I'm just really shitty at getting around to answering them. But I do love them, they always brighten my day and I always take criticism to heart and try to work off everyone's suggestions. Anyway, please enjoy and let me know what you think.
OOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOO
Antonio watched Dean leave the apartment with a smirk planted firmly across his lips. The hunter left barely concealing his body shaking like a leaf and closed the door silently behind him. Smiling in satisfaction Antonio stretched along the lounge and inhaled deeply, the smell of Dean would stay in his apartment for days. It had been a while since he'd had a human in his apartment, even longer since he'd had a live one. He really couldn't believe Benny had managed to refrain from drinking the boy; he truly was delicious. He swirled the taste around his mouth and sighed happily; the night had gone better than expected.
Father would be proud.
Thinking of the Alpha ruined his relaxation and he pushed himself off the lounge in one fluid motion. Cracking a none existent kink in his neck and stretching his arms out in front of him he wondered if Dean would go straight back to the motel or if he'd be too ashamed. He straightened the collar of his shirt absently and wandered into the hallway, freezing on the spot when he found a tall, well dressed man standing in his hallway. With his dark skin the Alpha blended almost perfectly into the dark hallway.
"Father." He whispered.
His stomach twisted nervously only to be swept away by complete adoration for the man in front of him. Feeling calm and content was still a new thing for him. If he hadn't been on such a high, the effect the Alpha had on him would have been terrifying.
"Antonio. I take it everything went to plan? This entire place stinks of that Winchester."
The Alpha's lip curled slightly at the smell and taking the necessary steps to bring him unnervingly close to Antonio's face.
"There was a small hiccup." Antonio admitted, dropping his gaze submissively.
The calming atmosphere suddenly turned dangerous and Antonio tensed.
"I don't appreciate…. Hiccups." He snarled quietly, moving behind Antonio and leaning down to his ear.
"It wasn't my fault! The Winchester proved surprisingly resistant to my charms, it doesn't happen often but it does happen. But I fixed it, settled for less."
"You were supposed to fuck him. Not settle for less."
"I drank from him, he was willing, Benny less so. It amounts to the same thing."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. It will be enough. I know Benny; I know how protective he is of the things he cares about. Just the though of another man touching his precious hunter will be unbearable." Antonio assured him, shivering at the close contact.
It had hurt seeing Benny with someone else; he was ashamed to admit that. And seeing him look at that idiot hunter like he hung the moon made him homicidal. His only wish was that he could be there to see Benny's face when he realised what Dean had done. When this was over he would have a home again, a family, everything Benny had taken from him. No more living in destitute buildings, feeding on drug dealers and hookers. He was going to get his life back.
"You're positive? I need this to work, more importantly; you need this to work. A single bite is hardly a relationship deal breaker."
"It will be for Benny. He won't even be able to look at Dean. This will break them, I guarantee it." Antonio promised him.
"Very well." The Alpha placed a hand on Antonio's shoulder and squeezing, his long nails digging in painfully. "And the rest of it?"
"Taken care of. He was too shaken up to question anything I told him. They'll be at the address you gave me in a week."
"You've done well Antonio. I'm very happy you came to me with this."
Antonio smiled tightly and the hand on his shoulder disappeared. "So what now?"
When there was no answer he spun around with a frown only to find empty space behind him and blinked. "Well goodbye to you too." He muttered bitterly, sarcasm flowing free now that the Alpha had left and taken the submission with him.
He winced and pulled at the collar of his shirt, his shoulder was bleeding sluggishly where his Father's nails had buried themselves into his flesh. He'd done what he was supposed to do, his part was over and now he simply had to claim his prize. Unfortunately he'd heard enough stories about the Winchesters to know it was rarely ever that simple.
OOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOO
He shivered violently and sighed shakily, swallowing as his breath fogged up the dirty, cracked mirror. His forehead was pressed firmly against the glass and he tried to breathe through the urge to vomit. No matter how long he spent scrubbing at his arm under the running tap, he still felt dirty. Turning around Dean leaned against the sink and pressed back forcefully, the pain making it easier to focus.
He couldn't believe this is what he'd sunk to; hiding in a filthy petrol station bathroom because he couldn't bring himself to go back to the motel room. He had no idea how to even begin explaining himself to Benny. The sun had risen outside and he knew Benny would most definitely be awake by now, it would have taken the vampire all of five minutes after waking up alone to realise where Dean had gone.
He wasn't sure if the lack of Benny trying to get in contact with him was good or bad.
Bad. Probably bad.
He hadn't been afraid to go home in years and he wasn't surprised to find the jittery, nervous feeling had not gotten any easier to deal with. For a brief moment he considered sitting on the floor but a quick glance at the suspicious looking pool of brown sludge in the corner of the room quickly banished that thought.
Biting his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood and wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans, despite his vigorous scrubbing he still managed to wipe blood on his pants. His pocket started vibrating and he flinched violently before cursing at himself.
"Pull it together Dean."
Benny. Of course it was a text from Benny.
'Tell me you haven't done what I think you have.'
He was mildly shocked by the strangled noise that escaped him and he closed his eyes.
How was he even supposed to answer that?
Shoving his phone back into his pocket made him hate himself just that little bit more, not that it really mattered at this point; he was pretty much at the pinnacle of self-loathing. He took a deep breath and wiped his hands one more time before pulling himself together and leaving the sanctuary of the bathroom. The sun was staining the sky a deep orange and in the light of the day he felt exposed. It took another twenty minutes of sitting in the car staring silently at a rose bush of the edge of the parking lot; he turned on the ignition and headed back to the motel.
…
Dean wasn't quite sure what to do with himself when he arrived back at the motel; there was a twisting nervousness in his stomach. So instead he stared aimlessly at the steering wheel and drumming his fingers on the leather. He took a deep breath and let it out in a huff before gathering his courage and opening the car door, climbing out and slamming it with more force that needed. The walk to the motel room door felt more like the final steps to his execution than anything and not for the first time he cursed himself for his dependency on Benny's approval.
Disappointing his brother had never made his stomach twist this way, though usually that's because he knew he was in the right and Sam was in the wrong. Although he still believed going to the Antonio had been the smart thing to do but he could already imagine the emotional distress Benny's anger was going to cause him.
"Fucking girl." He muttered as he shook his head.
The door swung open as he reached for the doorknob and he came face to face with an extremely angry vampire. He blinked and looked up at him with wide eyes, doing his best not to flinch away. Their eyes locked and Benny searched his gaze before flickering his eyes down to the still bleeding bite that had stained his arm pink.
His lips tightened and a muscle bulged in his neck, causing Dean to swallow. He opened his mouth to say something, anything when Benny grunted and walked back inside the room, leaving Dean to snap his mouth closed. He had no idea what Benny was like in a fight; would he be loud or quiet? Would he throw things or would he ignore Dean?
He was about to find out.
Making the decision that waiting for Benny to speak might soften the lecture he was going to get, Dean settled down on the creaky wicker chair next to the door and watched Benny silently. It took twenty minutes of watching Benny stomp around the room throwing things it his duffle bag and pretending Dean wasn't there before he realised exactly what he was going to get.
Passive aggressive silent treatment.
The stubborn part of was itching to tell Benny to fuck off. He immediately suffocated that thought, it wasn't Benny didn't deserve that just because Dean was falling back into his default setting of asshole. In the silence his mind wandered and he could feel the phantom touch of Antonio above him, their bodies pressing together and his stomach rolled.
His arm was throbbing painfully and he shuddered at the thought of Antonio's mark on his permanently. He was completely engrossed in his thoughts and flinched when something hit his lap. It was a clean bandage and when he looked up in surprise he was ready when Benny threw the antiseptic cream at him. Frowning in confusion he looked over at the vampire curiously.
"God only knows where Antonio's mouth has been." Benny murmured, refusing to look at Dean directly.
"Thank you." He whispered, unscrewing the cap and smearing a decent amount onto the bite.
Benny grunted and sat down on the corner of the bed to stare at Dean intently, eyes glazed in anger and his entire body tense. Dean placed more attention on cleaning and wrapping his arm than was strictly needed mainly because it was better than staring awkwardly while Benny tried to telepathically shoot fire from his eyes. When he finished and could no longer stand the silence he looked at the vampire from underneath lowered lashes.
"I really can't deal with this silence bullshit."
As soon as the words flew from his mouth he regretted them, as they seemed to shatter what little self-control Benny had going for him at that point. The vampire frowned and his face twisted into a snarl.
"I don't give two fucks about how you're feeling!" he roared as he stood up like a shot. "You're lucky I didn't rip your head off the moment you came through the front door! You are so self centered it's amazing you can function. Do whatever you want and fuck everybody else."
Dean jumped when Benny took a swipe at an empty coffee mug on the tiny coffee table and it shatter on the floor. Dean watched as he gathered his control and placed his hands on the coffee table with a shake of his head and a sigh. Even though Dean couldn't see his face from this angle he could imagine the regret already clouding Benny's face and his next words were spoken in a soft growl.
"I specifically told you not to. You disobeyed me."
It was a that point any notion of backing down from this fled Dean's mind and he was forced to try and blink away the boiling indignant anger that had clouded his vision once Benny's poor choice of words had sunk in.
Don't take it personally. He didn't mean it, he's just angry. Breathe and don't say anything you can't take back.
Unfortunately Dean never had been good at backing down from fights and this time was no different. So before his brain could catch up with his body he was standing behind Benny with his hands clenched into fists.
"I disobeyed you? Are you shitting me?" he whispered dangerously through gritted teeth. "I am not some naughty puppy that's peed on the carpet! You do not get to give me orders, who the hell do you think you are?"
"Don't put this on me! You're the one who whored yourself out."
Words shouldn't be able to feel like a physical blow to the stomach.
"Yes I did. And I feel dirty and violated." Dean hissed, his skin crawling at the memory. "And you know what? I'd do it again."
His admission seemed to stun Benny into silence, the vampire staring at him opened mouthed. So Dean took the opening he was given and continued.
"And do you know why? Because I'm a hunter. I am the very best at what I do and I'm the best because there is nothing too degrading or humiliating that I'm unwilling to do to save a life; a complete stranger. So can you imagine the depths I would sink to, to save you? Or any of the others? Because at the end of the day there are more important things than my dignity. And you pretend for one second that if we were just friends, or Antonio had wanted Sam or Kevin we would even be having this conversation."
He watched Benny closely, panting slightly from yelling and wondered what the vampire's response would be. Judging from the simmering look Benny was shooting him and slightly curled lip Dean knew his words had only served to make Benny angrier.
At this point he really didn't give a fuck.
"Don't pretend you don't enjoy my possessiveness. In fact you actively encourage it!" Benny growled finally.
"Because when it just you and me, I'm just Dean. And yes, the protectiveness is cute and the possessiveness is kinda hot. It makes me feel safe and happy and warm. But tonight? I'm Dean Winchester; hunter, and it was business. And I won't allow my personal life to interfere with doing the job."
"He's my ex! How much more personal can you get?"
"He was a source of information." Dean snapped back.
"You really don't think you've done anything wrong do you?" Benny whispered, completely baffled by what he was hearing. "I woke up to find the man I love had snuck out to be with another man. Do you know how that makes me feel?"
"He bit me Benny. I didn't fuck him." Dean hissed, past the point of backing down and watching Benny's face harden.
"Would you have let him?"
"What?"
"Well from what you're saying, there are no limits to getting the job done. What if hadn't just wanted some blood? Would you have fucked him if he asked? Exactly what is your limit?"
A part of Dean recognized that Benny's words were intended to hurt and Benny didn't really believe them but that didn't stop them from feeling like a punch to the gut.
"I know you're upset so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." He gritted out, warning him silently not to push it.
"That's what you do best isn't it Dean? Disconnect." Benny growled, pushing past him and nearly knocking him over with the duffle bag thrown over his shoulder. "Get in the car." He threw over his shoulder, yanking the door open and leaving Dean standing there alone.
Dean viewed Benny walking away first as a win.
When had winning starting feeling like loosing?
OOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOO
The bunker was peaceful and calm, the only noise being Crowley and Kevin playing chess with Crowley loosing rather ungracefully while Sam sat further down texting Amelia; who had spent the last day in bed with the flu. The bunker main entrance had become a general living area, none of them wanting to rattle around the massive bunker by themselves. Their attention was drawn up to the balcony when the bunker door screeched open and the peace was broken. Benny came through the door first and took the stairs at a jog, clearly intent on getting away from something. Dean followed closely behind as he tried to catch Benny's attention.
"You can't ignore me forever!" he yelled after the vampire, huffing.
Benny continued his decent and made it to the bottom when Dean caught up with him, grabbing on to his arm and stopping him. Benny stopped and spun around angrily, lips pulled into a sneer and enough anger in his eyes to make Dean flinch.
"What do you want me to say?" Benny hissed.
"Anything! Yell at me, scream, anything!"
"Believe me Dean, you don't want to hear what I think of you right now." Benny warned before turning around and walking away. He made it to the doorway before pausing and backing up and advancing towards Dean the danger in his movements causing Dean to back up instinctively.
"I can smell him on you!" He hissed, backing Dean up against the table roughly. "You stink of him! Can you imagine what it's like to smell another man on you? To know another has touched you? It makes me sick to my stomach."
The pain in his voice made Dean's heart break and he looked up at the vampire sadly. "I said I was sorry." He whispered brokenly.
Benny blinked and stumbled away. "You're sorry? I close my eyes and I picture him touching you. His hands all over you and I feel sick. You've broken my heart Darlin, sorry doesn't cut it."
He swallowed roughly and turned around, leaving the room and Dean's heart sank. He'd really messed up this time and he didn't know if he could make it right.
"So…. how'd it go?" Crowley asked finally with a smirk that morphed into a cough when Kevin elbowed him in the ribs.
Dean closed his eyes but didn't respond, too exhausted to care about what came out of Crowley's mouth. He'd become so dependent of Benny and the comfort and love the vampire provided the thought of what he'd do without that completely terrified him.
The ride back to the bunker had been painful, silence broken periodically by outbursts of yelling on both sides. It was a strange thing to regret your actions while knowing you'd do it again. As humiliating as it had been, he'd gotten the information they needed and he was still bristling at the fact Benny had simply expected Dean to follow his words as law.
A part of him wanted to just get on his knees and beg for Benny to forgive him, throwing away his dignity was not a hard thing for him, he'd done it plenty of times but there was just something in Dean that pushed him to fight. The more Benny ignored him, the angrier he became until he was prepared for a full out fight.
All his reasoning aside Dean didn't think he'd ever forget the hollow look in Benny's eyes when he'd come back to the motel. Or the emptiness that swallowed him when Benny hadn't said a word, at least yelling would have proven he still cared.
"What did I miss?" Garth asked entering the room and sensing the tense atmosphere.
Dean shook his head and sat at the table allowing his head to drop against the wood with a slap.
"Want to talk about it?" Sam asked, unsure of what he should do.
"Not really."
"Is this going to be a problem?" Crowley asked him. "What? Going after the Alpha is dangerous enough without two members of our little group having a domestic." He continued when Sam shot him a disgruntled look.
"It's not going to be a problem alright." Dean told him tiredly.
They sat in silence while Dean wallowed in his own pity and wondered Benny was going. Probably setting fire to my things.
"So what did this vampire have to say?" Kevin asked, drawing everyone's attention away from the awkwardness the argument had caused.
"The Alpha wants Benny and he's going to take us out to get him." Dean told them as he slipped down in his seat.
"So what are we going to do?" Garth asked as he leaned against the doorway.
"I have to say, the Alpha aside, I'm not really embracing the thought of messing with Jeremy. Not the way Benny talks about him." Kevin spoke out with a sigh.
"Yeah Jeremy kinda scares the shit of me." Garth mumbled honestly.
"Has anyone considered the option of just letting the Alpha have him?" Crowley suggested with a frown.
"We are not giving him Benny!"
"Why do you care? Benny can't stand the sight of you."
Dean's mouth opened and he stared at Crowley in shock. He couldn't find the insults in response through the pain of knowing Crowley was right. His usual sarcasm was missing and no matter how hard he tried to couldn't push aside the hurt those words had caused, he was falling a part and he hated it. He hated how despondent he was. This was why he didn't get close to people; it hurt too much when it fell apart.
"What is your problem?" Sam hissed at Crowley angrily when it became clear Dean had nothing to say.
"My problem? My problem, Cupcake, is the fact that when we should be planning our plan of attack we've got one Winchester attached to his phone every minute of the day talking to his girlfriend and another Winchester a useless, depressed blob who looks ready to burst into tears at any moment. And the vampire who was out best chance at killing the Alpha is sulking down the hallway!" Crowley yelled angrily before turning on Dean. "This is not a Jane Austen novel, pull yourself together!"
"How long do we have?" Garth asked, pretending Dean and Crowley were not glaring at each other across the table and the atmosphere wasn't thick enough to cut with a knife.
It took Dean another moment before he blinked and rubbed a hand over his tired eyes, feeling grainy from lack of sleep. "We have a week until he arrives at this address." He told them, pulling the folded piece of paper out of his jeans pocket. "After that we have two weeks before he moves again."
"A week isn't long." Kevin pointed out.
"Long enough. This isn't a special hunt by any means; we know where he is, we know how to kill him. The only reason he's survived this long is his talent for dropping off the radar. All this will be over in a week and we can all go back to our lives."
What's left of them.
"Look I'm gonna go to bed, fucking up the best thing that's ever happened to you really tires a person." Dean announced bitterly, standing up from his seat with a yawn. "If you don't see me in the morning, Benny's suffocated in my sleep."
When no one answered, not that he'd expected them to; Dean made his way out of the room and down to his bedroom, turning a corner to see his bag and pillow sitting in the middle of the hallway outside his bedroom door.
His locked bedroom door.
"Really? You're kicking me out of my own bedroom?" he yelled at the door, knowing Benny could hear him.
The door remained shut and Dean swore as he picked up the bag and pillow. Frowning he turned and went back the way he'd came, past the main living area and into what passed for a lounge room. Sighing heavily he threw his stuff onto the couch and sat down, trying not to think about the first night he and Benny had spent in the bunker together, falling asleep curled up on the couch. There was an ache in his chest he wasn't familiar with and he told himself Benny couldn't stay mad at him forever.
Even to him it sounded like a lie
…
Dean quickly learned something new about Benny, the vampire's idea of ignoring Dean was very passive aggressive. Not telling Dean the coffee was boiling hot until Dean had taken a sip. Smacking him on the back of head with a plate while serving lunch or exchanging snarky comments with Crowley, who seemed to have hit it off with Benny to Dean's eternal chagrin.
"You look like Hell." Sam told him as he sat at the table.
He'd spent the night crunched up on the lounge, one leg hanging over the side and neck held at an awkward angle.
"That's because I slept on the lounge."
"That thing is like a hundred years old!"
"Oh believe me, I know." Dean groaned, stretching his neck and wincing when something cracked.
Benny came out of the kitchen and placed a plate of toast in front everyone neatly before throwing a plate down in front of Dean with a crash. Dean flinched and rolled his eyes at the aggressive act.
"So this is how we're doing it? Very mature."
Benny made no sign he'd heard him and walked back into the kitchen.
"You need to talk to him." Sam pushed, leaning over the table towards him.
"Talk to him? In case you didn't just witness what happened, Benny won't even look at me."
"Shouldn't have fucked another man." Crowley said simply with a nasty tilt to his voice.
Dean was ready this time and allowed the words to wash over him, he wouldn't let Crowley get to him this time. "I thought becoming human again might make you a little more pleasant but you're still a heartless asshole aren't you?"
"That was needless cruel." Kevin frowned at him.
"Does that really surprise you?" Crowley sneered back at him and Kevin huffed angrily.
"Don't do this, this shit where you pretend not to care. You're not the bad guy anymore, stop pretending you don't have feelings!"
"Feelings? I have feelings. I am fucking drowning in feelings! Do you know it's like to be suffocating under six hundred years of guilt and regret?" Crowley hissed, kicking his chair back and storming from the room. Dean wasn't surprised that having his soul washed had done nothing for his anger.
"I'll go and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." Kevin announced, standing up from the table and following the ex demon from the room.
Dean narrowed his gaze and felt the hairs on the back of neck stand on end as he watched the young man running after Crowley. He'd ignored it for as long as he could but he realised he was going to have to have a conversation with Kevin.
"I hope everyone realizes how fucked we are if we can't sort our shit out." Sam muttered, seemingly uninterested in what was going on around him.
As if sensing the upheaval currently occurring in the living area, Benny appeared from the kitchen and headed for the exit with Dean calling after him.
"Benny please…"
Not surprisingly his pleads were ignored and he was left staring at his untouched toast that had gone cold. He pushed the plate away from him and stood up with a sigh. "I'll in the study." He announced.
"What? Why?"
"That's where the booze is."
…
'Men are supposed to be with women. Anything else is unnatural.'
He can only bring himself to nod numbly, throat too sore to speak. The bruises would be murder to hide from Sam…. or Bobby.
Oh God!
Bobby could never know. He didn't know if he could handle Bobby's disappointment. John is still speaking but for the life of him he can't focus on the words.
Probably the blow to the head.
He's not cold but his body is shaking and tears are threatening to fall but he holds them back; knowing they'll simply earn him another punch.
His head is throbbing.
But he's alive.
In pain… but alive.
Stay silent. Just nod and crawl off the bed. Keep quiet and avoid more pain. Not surprisingly his mouth overrides his common sense.
'Unnatural? We hunt mythical creatures for a living. Three days ago we killed a werewolf. Unnatural is a matter of perspective.'
Stupid.
Stupid mouth.
He's not quick enough to dodge the backhand. The world spins and tilts. Everything burns and he cries out in shock before the world goes back and he hits something soft.
His eyes open.
Had he closed them? When had that happened? What was the weight on his chest?
'You're so pretty darling.'
Hands at his belt buckle. Burning pain in his arm.
'No! Antonio!'
'Come on you little slut.'
'No!'
His throat felt like he'd been following razors. Antonio's hands down his pants, squeezing and groping roughly. This time he did let his tears fall.
'What did I tell you?'
He jerked at the new voice and looked to the source of the voice on his left.
'Dad?'
'You're fucking disgusting Dean.'
This was a dream.
It had to be.
'Don't fight it princess. You're too much of whore not to enjoy it.'
'He's right son, you've always been a fucking slut.'
'No wonder Benny can't stand to look at you.'
'You don't deserve him.'
'Whore.'
'Slut.'
'Fag.'
He woke with a yell; breath coming in painful ragged gasps. Sweat was pouring off him and he was forced to swipe at his damp hair with shaky hands.
"Fucking Hell." He huffed, closing his eyes and banishing the dark thoughts.
Thankfully he wasn't as shaken as he'd been after the last time he'd dreamt of John. Swallowing heavily he pushed himself up and unpeeled himself from the lounge with a wince. He couldn't deal with this, couldn't deal with the crushing self-hatred his father always managed to make him feel. He hated himself enough at the moment with the unnecessary extra judgment. A dream should not make him feel so worthless.
Rubbing the back of his neck Dean straightened his sweatpants and padded out of the room on wobbly legs. The light of the bathroom bounced off the white tiles and temporarily blinded him. What he saw in the mirror made him scrunch his nose, he looked like warmed up hell. Dark black circles under his eyes, limp hair and sallow skin. Scotch as his soul nourishment for two days had certainly not done him any favors. His alcohol abuse had also managed to garner Sam's attentions who had now started to watch him carefully, frowning whenever he caught sight of the silver flask Dean kept well hidden.
Maybe I am a whore. Oh shut up Dean.
He shook his head and threw cold water on his face, rubbing his eyes tiredly and shook the thoughts away. The door swung open and he looked over quickly.
"Oh shit sorry!" Kevin yelped, covering his eyes dramatically.
"Calm down. I'm fully dressed." Dean chuckled, smiling despite himself.
Kevin peeked out through his fingers and grinning when he saw Dean was telling the truth. "Sorry dude but I walked in on Garth the other day and I still can't make eye contact." He laughed, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. "Also, you look like shit."
"Gee thanks Kev."
Kevin smiled and watched Dean closely, searching him and looking more worried than any seventeen year old had any right to. "Seriously dude, how are you holding up?"
"Not good. But I'll pull through, I always do." He muttered bitterly.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really. Do you want to talk about what's going on between you and Crowley?"
"Not really."
Despite the relaxed answer Dean saw the fear in his eyes and his body tensed. His gaze dropped to the floor and became very interested in his feet. It was odd for Dean to see the usually confident Kevin acting like the young boy he'd been when they'd first met.
"Look, I'm too exhausted to sugar coat this. Do I need to be worried about you?"
"I've got everything under control." Kevin told him with a shake of his head.
"See now that kind of shit is exactly what people say before they get in too deep." He answered with a roll of his eyes.
"How's this, if I feel like things are getting out of hand, I'll tell you."
"I can live with that." Dean conceded.
"Now it's my turn. Why don't you just apologize to Benny?"
"Why should I apologize? He's the one overreacting."
"If you really believed that you wouldn't be sleeping on the lounge."
"Benny kicked me out of my room!" he rolled his eyes, not quite sure where Kevin was going.
"There are eight empty bedrooms in this place and even if there weren't we both know Benny would give you back the room if you asked. But instead you're sleeping on a lounge older than my grandparents would be if they were still alive." Kevin pointed out with a raised eyebrow. "You're punishing yourself."
Dean blinked before shaking his head and walking past Kevin while rubbing the back of his neck. "I refuse to take relationship advice from a seventeen year old." He yelled over his shoulder.
"You know I'm right!" Kevin yelled after Dean with a smirk.
….
It was two days later Dean found himself flipping an omelet absently when Sam stumbled into the kitchen with his mobile clutched tightly in his hand. Knowing whatever was happening was going to require his full attention Dean turned off the gas and turned to Sam with a frown. His brother was whiter than a sheet and shaking gently and looking generally disheveled.
"Sammy?" Dean asked quietly, not liking the wide-eyed glazed look Sam was giving him.
"Amelia." Sam stuttered out, leaning against the kitchen door and for a second Dean was afraid his brother's legs were going to give out.
"Is she alright?" Dean asked him quietly.
"Turns out it's not the flu." Sam mumbled, no longer making eye contact and staring into space.
"Oh god it's not anything serious is it?"
"Pretty serious, she's pregnant."
Wait what?
"What?"
Sam looked at him, eyes still wide with what Dean now recognized as shock.
"Amelia is pregnant." He repeated slowly as though words felt heavy in his mouth.
Pregnant….
A baby…. A tiny human.
Having never thought this day would come Dean found himself woefully unprepared to respond. He assumed he should have some words of wisdom or comfort for his brother but he had nothing. His brother's girlfriend was pregnant; his baby brother was going to have his own baby. The thought was oddly terrifying and he suddenly felt very old. Realizing Sam was waiting for him to give some form of response so Dean allowed the first words that entered his head to fall from his mouth.
"Is it yours?"
Sam shot him an incredulous glare and threw a tea towel at Dean's head. "Of course it's mine! What kind of question is that?"
"Sorry. First thing that came to my mind." Dean apologized while pulling a face.
Sam rolled his eyes but Dean was happy to see he no longer looked ready to pass out. "You're messed up."
"Oh don't worry I'm well aware of that." Dean muttered with a smile before turning back to his eggs. He pulled out a plate from the cupboard and slid his omelet onto it smoothly before turning back to Sam who was now smiling dumbly at the empty space in front of him.
"I'm gonna be a dad." He whispered, looking star struck. "I'm really gonna be a dad."
Dean threw his plate on the counter and pulled Sam into a rough one-armed hug. On one hand he knew that he should be more supportive for his brother but he honestly had no idea how to do that. So he smiled and hoped it covered the hollow feeling in his chest that four days of constant alcohol abuse gave him.
"You're gonna be a great dad." He told him softly with a gentle smile.
"You think so?"
"Hell yeah."
"I feel like I should be freaking out more."
"Life shattering changes are kinda what we do best." Dean answered him with a chuckle.
"God having a pregnant girlfriend is such a... normal people thing."
"What are you gonna do? You could go home?" Dean told him softly. "We could do this without you."
Sam smiled at him thankfully but shook his head. "I need to finish this as much as you do. He's after all of us now, I can't risk bringing that back to Amelia."
Dean nodded sadly, knowing that if this went bad there was a chance Sam wouldn't be going back to Amelia at all. There was a chance none of them would be coming back. Could Crowley even fight? He seemed a good shot but Dean didn't think he was very good at hand-to-hand combat. And Kevin couldn't even throw a punch as far as Dean knew.
He should probably look into that.
"So, I'm going to go and call the future mother of my child." Sam announced, smiling broadly.
Dean pulled him into another hug and let him to go with a huff. Sam turned to leave the room but paused and faced Dean.
"Look I know it's none of my business, but don't think you can drink your problems away. I don't know what happened between you two but I can see he's just as miserable as you are."
He left the kitchen before Dean could reply, something he was grateful for because once again he didn't know what to say. That seemed to be happening a lot lately.
He didn't like it.
He also didn't know how they were going to kill the Alpha when they couldn't work as a team. When it came down to it, would he and Benny be able to keep things professional?
He was in so much trouble.
He needed to sort things out.
He needed a drink.
...
Kevin started when a heavy hand fell on his shoulder and he looked up from his now traditional game of after dinner chess with Crowley to see Dean smirking down at him in a way that made Kevin shift uncomfortably.
"Come on Kev." Dean smiled knowingly and gesturing for Kevin to get up and follow him.
"Where are we going?" he asked slowly, hesitantly hovering in his chair, not sure if he should follow Dean or not.
"I'm going to teach you how to shoot."
"It's nine o'clock at night." Kevin told him, looking at him like he'd lost his mind.
"The shooting range has lights."
Kevin sat opened mouth and looked between Crowley and Sam, silently begging one of them to save him. When no help was forth coming he pouted and stood up from his chair. "Right then." He mumbled awkwardly, following Dean from the room with nervous glances over his shoulder at the others. "Why are you doing this to me? Is this some kind of punishment?"
"Why would you think that?" Dean asked, not bother to turn around.
"Have I ever given any indication I want to learn how to shoot a gun?"
"You don't?"
"Not in the least." Kevin muttered and sighed when Dean paid no attention to him. "This is a pent up energy thing isn't it? You're not getting laid and I'm suffering for it."
Dean stopped suddenly in front of a metal door, rolling his eyes at Kevin's dramatics. "Get in." he yanked the door open and waved the younger man in.
"Do I have to?" he whined, dragging his feet as he shuffled into the room.
He'd only been in there once on his exploration of the bunker and had immediately forgotten it when it became clear the room held no interest in him. Violence was not really his thing, he preferred using his intelligence.
Dean sighed and pinched the bridged of his nose with a sigh. "Look Kevin, you don't want to fight, that's fine. But you have to know how. You can't do what we do and not know how to defend yourself."
"I've been doing this for nearly two years! It hasn't been a problem yet."
"Things are different now. When this is over Sam is going back to Amelia and he won't look back. God knows what I'll do, but I know I'm done hunting. It's time for you to step up Kevin."
"And if I don't want to? If I don't want any of this?"
"I think we both know your exit route passed a while back."
Kevin nodded numbly while staring at the ground beneath his feet. "Give me the gun." He muttered eventually, holding out his hand.
Dean had assumed Kevin couldn't be any worse than Sam had been the first time dad had taken him shooting. He'd been truly awful, couldn't aim to save him life. Of course, with John's teaching methods Sam had been a crack shot three months later.
Kevin was worse, a danger to himself and others. No matter how many times Dean corrected his stance, straightened his aim and ran him through the basics one more time, His shots still went wide. Twenty minutes of shooting and not one bullet had even grazed the target.
"I'm horrible." Kevin grumbled as he lowered the gun with a sigh.
"Maybe if you stopped closing your eyes every time you pull the trigger, you might be able to aim." Dean mumbled, sounding nastier than he'd intended.
"This just isn't my field of expertise! I was never any good at physical activity." He grumbled unhappily. He'd never been a graceful loser; even failing at something he wanted to do in the first place had a punch to it.
"You'll get better. Even Garth is a pretty good shot and that guy can barely walk straight." Dean reassured him with a slap on the back.
Kevin's lips twitched and he traced the pattern on the gun grip absently before glancing at Dean nervously.
"You know that thing we talked about the other night?" he asked finally. "The Crowley thing?"
"Hmmm."
"If I tell you something, can you promise me you won't start yelling? Cos I really don't need that right now. I need someone to talk to." The words came out thickly and felt heavy in his mouth.
Dean bit his lip and prepared himself for whatever awful, rage inducing information Kevin was afraid to tell him. "I can do that."
With a nod and a shaky sigh Kevin slid to the floor, back pressed against the cold bricks. He didn't utter another sound until Dean joined him on the floor with a grunt.
"It started when I ended up at Garth's. I mean he's a good guy but I honestly don't have a clue what reality he lives in half the time. I was lonely and bored as so was Crowley. It was a friendship based on mutual benefit. He's smart you know? Like really smart, and funny." The words were tumbling out without control and he could see the look of horror slowly crossing Dean's face.
"Kevin he killed your girlfriend and your mum." Dean answered slowly as though Kevin had gone mad. "He cut off your finger."
"Yes I remember that rather vividly. But he's not that man anymore. I don't think his conscience would allow him to be. The Crowley who kidnapped and tortured me is not the Crowley I was just playing Chess with. He's different."
"Wow." Dean stared at him wide-eyed. "You sound like one of those women who marry convicted serial killers."
Kevin didn't respond, choosing instead to pull his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. "Why do you always do that? Make a joke out of anything that makes you uncomfortable? You know I think you and Crowley are more alike than either of you will ever admit."
"Well what do you want me to say then? What is the point of this conversation?"
"Because I'm worried about him. He hates himself and I don't know how to make it better. And I figured if anyone knows about hating themself it's you. He hides it well but he's a mess and I'm beginning to worry if it doesn't start getting better he might…. try to hurt himself." his eyes never left the floor in front of him, his stomach twisting from tell Dean of all people, Crowley's secret.
Dean's first instinct was to tell Kevin to get as far away from Crowley as he could before ex-demon pulled him down with him. If what Kevin was saying was true, Crowley was in the middle of a downward spiral, self-destructive and a danger to those closest to him. Dean knew how these things ended; he'd lived through it enough times. However he knew from the hard line of Kevin's jaw and the stubbornness clear in every line of his body; Kevin was already in too deep.
"I'm sure it's not that bad. Crowley's tougher than he looks. What's got you thinking he might try to off himself?"
Kevin winced at the indelicate words and pulled his knees tighter to his chest. Glancing over at Dean he swallowed thickly before deciding he might as well tell Dean everything. "About two weeks ago he started coming into my room in the middle of the night."
"Oh Jesus Christ."
"Why do you automatically jump to that? Jesus Dean!" Kevin rolled his eyes before continuing in a softer voice. "He has nightmares. I think not being alone makes it easier to get back to sleep. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't even bother going to sleep in his own room anymore. He's always gone before I wake up in the morning and we never talk about it." He looked over at Dean hesitantly and shifted uncomfortably. "Sometimes he has a nightmare and he wakes me up, I pretend to be asleep and sometimes I… I hear him crying."
Dean pursed his lips and stared straight ahead, blinking steadily and desperately tried to comprehend what Kevin was telling him. He tried to imagine Crowley disheveled from sleep and crying silently into a pillow. The image made him feel dirty and awkward. It was difficult to imagine Crowley as broken.
"I know you want to save him Kevin but let me tell you what Sam, Bobby, Lisa and numerous others learnt the hard way from me. You can't save someone who doesn't think they're worth saving."
Kevin nodded and bumped their shoulders together playfully. "Thanks for not freaking out on me."
"I think you're crazy. And I also think you're going to get your heart broken. But I'm in no position to judge poor decision making skills."
They sat in silence for another moment before Kevin grunted and slapped his knees before standing up. "Can I go back to my Chess game now?"
"Yeah go on." Dean snorted, a smile crossing his lips without his consent.
Kevin smiled in return and handed him back the gun before slipping out of the room quickly incase Dean changed his mind.
"Everything is so messed up." Dean muttered bitterly, pushing himself off the ground and standing.
Sighing heavily he placed the gun down and rubbed his eyes. He reached into his back pocket to pull out his flask and put it to his mouth only to find it was empty. "Perfect."
Shaking his head he shoved the flask back into his pocket and grunted in irritation before following Kevin's lead and leaving the shooting range; only to run straight into a six foot brick wall of a vampire. He froze, inhaling quickly which only made concentrating harder because this was the closest he'd been to Benny in nearly a week and God he smelt good.
He found his gaze drifting to Benny's thick arms, wrapped as always in a thin white undershirt that did nothing to hide the strong muscles. He remember what they felt like holding him, what it felt like to burry his face into that broad chest and in that moment he would have given anything just for Benny to hold him. Instead he stumbled back and rubbed the base of his neck awkwardly.
"Sorry." He mumbled, eyes glued to the floor.
"Don't mention it." Benny returned just as softly and moved past Dean to continue on his way.
But Dean couldn't watch him walk away again, couldn't take being invisible anymore. "You can't stay mad at me forever!" he yelled after him, hoping for a reaction. Anything at this point would be preferable to the current situation.
Benny paused and turned back around to face Dean, walking slowly back down the hallway until they were close. There was a haunted look in his eyes Dean hadn't seen before and his stomach flipped.
"I can't? Why not?"
Dean took a breath and stepped closer to him, hope fluttering in his chest when the vampire didn't retreat. Deciding to push his luck he slowly raised a hand and cupped Benny's cheek, his palm tingling against the short bristles.
"Because you love me." He whispered out, gazing up at Benny giddy that the vampire was allowing physical contact.
Benny's mouth tightened and a large hand came up to hold the smaller one against his face. He locked eyes with Dean for a long moment before dropping his gaze and pulling Dean's hand away from his face.
"Every time I convince myself I can move past it, I see you and all I can think about is him. His hands touching you. The scar on your arm that will be a constant reminder. I can't even walk past you because I'm afraid I'll smell him on you. I look at you and I get so angry." He held Dean's hand tightly before his face hardened and he dropped it suddenly, stepping back. "I don't think loving you is going to be enough."
Time slowed and Dean could feel his heart shattering.
"Where does that leave us?" he managed to choke out.
Benny bit his lip and stepped further back. Dean couldn't help but think he looked like a broken man. When Benny answered he forgot how to breathe.
"I don't know if there is an us anymore."
OOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOO
Well there we go. I hope it was coherent and easy to read. I wrote this is sections out of order so I was terrified of getting things jumbled but I've read through it and it made sense to me so hopefully it does to all of you. Hope everyone enjoyed it and see you all next time.
xxx