Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, the characters or the plots. I do own my own ideas though.
Zai: I'm so glad that many people are still reading this. I really appreciate the reviews, especially since I don't really deserve them. Hope this next update keeps you all as interested as you are now. I'm still not sure where this story is going, so I'm still making things up as I go, but hopefully I will have another update soon. Oh also a little note, this chapter references a couple of episodes minorly - Overload and Grave Danger.
The weekend passed quickly, and by Monday, Nick found him and Hayden settling into a routine of sorts. Unfortunately, he knew that this could not last, his first week of leave was almost up, and while he had tried to put it off, he knew he needed to start looking into who could look after Hayden while he worked.
He started the morning by going through ads for part-time nannies. By ten, he gave up frustrated. He just could not do this. How could he be expected to leave his son with some stranger? Especially after all that Hayden had been through recently. Especially after what he had been through. . .
Neither Hayden or Nick had sleep well the past few nights. Hayden had been woken up by nightmares each night since he had come to live with Nick, and as a result, Nick was not sleeping much either. Not that sleeping at night was easy for him anyway, as his internal clock was on the fritz after working nights for so long.
Nick ran his hand through his hair wearily and headed into the living room where Hayden was watching a cartoon. "Hey buddy." He said coming to sit beside him. "What'cha watching?"
Hayden shrugged silently. He was still very quiet, but he had not had anymore major breakdowns, for which Nick was thankful, but then they also had not gone out since the funeral. It seemed easier for them both if they just spent the day at home.
"Your Grandma called this morning." Nick said hoping to get more than a shrug out of his son. "She's going to stop by later with some more of your things."
Hayden looked up at Nick this time, but still said nothing. At least he is listening. Nick thought.
- - - - - -
They were just finishing lunch, when the doorbell rang. Nick got up and helped Mrs. Halton bring in a few boxes from her car. She had brought some of Hayden's clothes and toys back with her. Nick set the boxes down in his son's room, next to the new bed that had arrived the day before.
Mrs. Halton handed Nick a smaller box, "Just some other things Hayden might want later on," She explained, "Pictures mostly, and a couple of Breanna's things."
Nick really was not sure what to say so he just accepted the box with a nod.
Hayden wandered into the front room, having finished his lunch. "Hi Grandma." He said quietly, and Nick was sadden to realize they were the first words he had said today.
"Hey my little angel." Mrs. Halton said ruffling his hair. "How about you and I go out for a little while?" She asked gently, thinking Nick could use some time to himself, the young man looked exhausted.
"Okay." Hayden replied, his voice monotone.
Nick helped his son into a jacket and a pair of shoes and watched them out the door. As they drove away, Nick headed back into the living room, on his own for the first time in days. The box that Mrs. Halton had given him was sitting on the coffee table and Nick gently opened to lid to look inside.
The first thing in the box was a small photo album. Mostly it had pictures of Hayden with his mother over the last year, but slipped in the last few pages were several pictures of Breanna from long before she had Hayden. Nick put the photo-album aside, knowing one day his son would need the pictures just to remember his mother.
A second book was the next thing he pulled out of the box. He flipped to the first page and realized it was Hayden's baby-book. Each page he flipped through bore a different memory, a different memory that Nick had missed. Hayden's first step, first word, first hair-cut - complete with lock of hair. All of it recorded in neat feminine printing.
Why hadn't she told him? Nick found himself wondering, not for the first time. Had she honestly thought that he would want nothing to do with his own child? Not wanting to look at the book anymore, he put it aside also.
A small gold chain with a cross on it, presumably Breanna's, was the last thing in the box, besides some loose papers. Nick pulled the papers out and glanced at them. The first was a sheet of paper detailing the information of a bank account Mrs. Halton had set up for Hayden with Breanna's money. As soon as the house sold, she would add that to it as well. The next few were documents Nick would need, including Hayden's birth certificate.
Nick glanced briefly at the small document, and as he had guessed there was no one listed as the father. He was about to set it back in the box, when his eye fell on the name listed. Hayden Nicholas Halton. He stared at it for a long moment, she had named his son after him. Which meant she had known he was the father, she had known and yet had still not told him. Not let him be a part of his child's life. Had she thought he would want nothing to do with his own son? Had she thought he would make that poor a father to their child that Hayden would be better off without him?
The thoughts and questions swirled around in Nick's overly tired mind. It was just too much. He could not do this. He did not know anything about being a father, he did not know anything about his own son. He lived alone, he worked in the middle of the night. How was this supposed to work? He could not just leave his son with some nanny.
Some sitter.
Nick's chest started to feel tight and his breath came in short gasps. Panic attack, his mind vaguely registered. What if they hurt his son? He could not let that happen to his boy, he needed to be there, so it did not happen to his little boy, like it had happened to him.
He was really starting to feel light headed now.
He really should sit down.
He was already sitting down.
When did that happen?
He ducked his head between his knees and let his breathing slow.
In
Out
In
Out
Slowing his breathing levelled off, the tightness in his chest receded. Nick remained sitting on his couch, head between his knees for several minutes. He was glad no one had been there, he had not had an attack in a long time. Not since he was little. . . but that's not true, his mind countered. He'd had them much more recently than that. He'd had them after the box. Nick closed his eyes and shook the memory of the glass box from his mind. He could not deal with that now. That was in the past. This is all in the past. He needed to think about Hayden now.
Only when he did, he remembered that night his parents had left him with that sitter, and he imagined Hayden, his son, going through that same thing and he felt the panic rising again.
Lifting his headed he reached for his phone, and dialed the first number that came to his mind.
"Willows." Catherine's voice said on the other end of the phone, and Nick realized he had dialed her cell instead of her home.
"Hey Cath." He said, startled to hear how shaky his voice sounded.
"Nick?" Catherine replied, a note of worry audible in her voice. "What's wrong?"
"I don't. . . I don't think I can do this."
"Do what Nicky?" She asked gently.
"Do any of this. I'm not a father Cath. I'm not what he needs." Nick rambled.
"Hold on Nick, what's happened?" Catherine asked.
Nick fell silent holding the phone to his ear in hands that had at some point started to shake. Nothing had happened. That actually made it worse. He was such a mess. Ashamed at his attack, and his neediness, he sighed. "Nothing. It's. . . I'm sorry, I'm fine." Nick said trying to make his voice sound normal. "Thanks anyway." He added disconnecting the phone.
"Nick?" Catherine called into the dead line. He was gone. "Damn," She muttered as she closed her phone and headed for the front door, grabbing her keys on the way. That was definitely not 'nothing'.