Chapter 12 – Shadows and Light

The afternoon sun shone through the big picture windows and cast a warm glow on the wood floor. The warm, peaceful tranquility of the apartment did not translate to its lone inhabitant. Seeley Booth felt anything but peaceful.

At the moment, he'd be hard pressed to recall a time in which held felt more tormented. For weeks, he'd been slowly getting more and more mired down under the pressure and stress caused from his unbearable load of guilt. He knew intellectually that there were things that he had to deal with, but he'd shoved them to the backburner in an effort to focus his attention on his family. His own issues didn't matter, he knew he'd get to them eventually, but other things had been more important.

His first priority since returning from Afghanistan had been to support his wife. Bones had just been coming to terms with her emotions. She was relishing the idea of being in love, even though they were conducting their relationship long distance. She had been so excited to tell him that they were going to have baby…he felt it, even from a letter when they were separated by time and distance. He was so proud of her for embracing her newfound openness, and he was so in love with her that he couldn't imagine anything that could cause them any pain.

But karma really could be a bitch.

And bad things do happen to good people… and love isn't always the answer.

Those and a hundred other platitudes went through his mind when he'd received that message from Maluku. When he'd hung up the call with Dr. Grayson, he'd felt like he'd been run over by a Mack truck.

He'd been too cocky. He'd been too happy. He should have known that it couldn't last. This was the way things always went, he began to feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun. Whenever things started to go really right, his wings would melt and he'd crash to the earth with a sharp kick in the gut. But it wasn't supposed to happen that way for Bones. She deserved some happiness, and he wanted to be the one to give it to her.

It was bad enough that she was all alone in some god-forsaken jungle when they lost their baby. Now he'd gone and disappointed her again by not being able to handle his own emotional baggage. He'd embarrassed himself, and her, by acting like a jackass with his bosses.

She'd offered to come home with him when he went to her office to tell her that he'd been suspended. He encouraged her to stay. It was her first day back, and he'd rather be alone to lick his wounds, anyway.

Some alpha male he turned out to be.

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It was late when Brennan came home. The apartment was dark, and quiet. She juggled the bags she was carrying to close and lock the door before moving in to the kitchen to set them down. She left the takeout bags on the island and carried her purse and messenger bag out to the living room.

The television was off and the room was bathed in the soft purple hues of twilight. She had expected to find her husband sitting in front of the television, and was surprised to find the room vacant.

She hadn't seen his car in the parking lot, but she knew that the last time he was suspended from duty the bureau had taken his car along with his badge and his gun.

She left her bags on the floor alongside the sofa and made her way down the hall to the bedroom. She opened the door quietly and found the man she loved lying in their bed on his side with the covers up around his shoulders.

She stepped out of her shoes and walked over to the bed. He was sound asleep, and she didn't have the heart to wake him. She kissed him softly on the forehead and went in to the bathroom. Brennan's thoughts were on her husband as she silently went about her bedtime routine. She knew that he'd been keeping his troubles to himself; he'd been so worried about her. She didn't know what she could do to help him, but she knew she had to try. Booth was always there for her and now it was time for her to be the strong one and to take care of him.

She decided it was going to be an early night, and the cartons of Thai were long forgotten as she pulled back the covers and slid in next to him.

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Booth lay awake, looking at his wife as the silver moonlight streaked through the window illuminating her beautiful face.

He hadn't heard her come in, but he'd slept more peacefully with her by his side. He watched her sleep, loving that he had the freedom to do that now. He reached over and gently touched her cheek.

"Hi," she murmured softly.

"Go back to sleep," he said, leaning over to place a serene kiss on her cheek.

She moved over to snuggle against him, bringing a wide smile to his face. He had thought that he knew her so well, and in fact he had known her better than anyone else, but Booth was surprised to learn that his Bones was a snuggler. He thought she was probably a little stunned by the discovery, herself.

"How are you?" she asked as he wrapped her in his strong embrace.

"I'm okay," he said, unconvincingly.

"Don't lie to me, Seeley Booth," she said.

She scooted up against his chest so they could look each other in the eye.

"Baby, talk to me," she said. "There are no glass walls, no prying eyes. It's just you and me. Tell me what happened today."

He closed his eyes, steeling himself to find the answer to her question.

"You married an idiot," he said.

"No," she said with a smile on her lips. "That happened almost seven months ago. I asked what happened today."

"Oh," he replied, his smile mirroring hers. "Bones thinks she's a comedian now…"

"I've told you before, Booth," she said. "I can be very amusing." She sighed and her smile faltered just a bit. "I just wanted to see you smile," she said sincerely. "Tell me what happened."

"I love you," he said as he leaned in for a long, slow kiss. "I'll never be worthy of you."

"Stop that," she said. "You're stalling."

"I think I liked you better when you weren't so intuitive," he replied, and placing another quick kiss on her lips, he continued. "When I got to the office this morning, I sorta locked myself in to my office. I was just trying to get a feel for the place again, you know?"

She nodded knowing exactly what he meant, as she'd done the very same thing.

"I thought it would feel really good," he went on. "You know, being back in the saddle again. But it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel right. I didn't feel like myself, and I couldn't focus. First, I kept thinking about my guys in the unit still over there fighting, and then I couldn't stop worrying about you, and Parker. I realized that I was really keyed up and figured I just needed to let off some steam. So I thought maybe I'd hit the ring, or the gym on my way home…:

He closed his eyes as she traced slow circles on his chest, quelling his clashing emotions as he continued to tell his story.

"…then I went up for the meeting with Hacker and Cullen. I thought I was prepared. I mean we'd talked about it, you and I. We knew they weren't going to let us work together, and I figured they'd assign you guys a new agent. What your team does is too important…"

"Our team," she corrected.

"Thanks baby," he said. "But I just don't know what happened. I walked in to the office and Hacker had this smarmy smile on his face, and I wanted to deck him. I kept my cool, figured I should be the better man. I won, after all…"

"I'm not a prize to be won, Booth."

"No," he replied. "You're not a prize or a possession, but you are everything and I'm the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet. But then when he told me I was being reassigned, I kinda lost it. I told them that no one could work with the squints like I do, and that our record speaks for itself…"

"And it should," she said.

"But then when Hacker said that my record wasn't enough, I totally lost it. I said some really stupid things, Bones. I was way out of line with Hacker. I guess I'm lucky I'm only on suspension. He could have fired me. Thank god Cullen was there to talk us both down."

"What did you say?" she asked.

"It doesn't really matter," he said, embarrassed that he'd have to tell her what he'd said to Hacker.

"It was about me, wasn't it?"

"Yes, baby," he said. "It was about you, and it was crude and insensitive and I'm really ashamed of myself. I'd rather not talk about it."

"If it was about having sex," she said. "You were probably right. You know I never really had any interest in Andrew, right?"

"Yeah Bones," he said. "I know. Do me a favor, will ya? Let's not talk about past lovers or old boyfriends… or any other men when we're in our bed, okay?"

"Okay," she answered. "So, what happened?"

"Hacker asked for my gun and badge," he said. "Cullen talked us both down, but when it came right down to it, he sided with Hacker. Said I'm too volatile to be on the streets."

"What does that mean?"

"It means six weeks suspension, with two mandatory therapy sessions per week. Once the six weeks are up, I"ll be reevaluated, after that, we'll see what happens."

"Will you be seeing Dr. Wyatt?"

"No," he said with a groan. "Sweets."

"Sweets?"

"Sweets."

"Maybe I can get you in with Dr. Delaney," she offered.

"Nope," he answered. "It has to be an FBI shrink and Hacker says it's gotta be Sweets. I think that's part of my punishment."

"This is unacceptable," she said, sitting up.

"Thanks, babe," he said. "But there's nothing we can do about it."

"No," she said. "That's not what I mean. You need help, Booth. You think I don't see it, but I do. I always have. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and yes I know what that means. You spend so much time taking care of everyone else that you don't take care of yourself until it's too late."

She spoke so vehemently that he was surprised by her words.

"I don't want it to be too late," she whispered against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her to him, and they laid together in a comforting silence. It was a long time before she spoke again.

"Booth?" she said.

"Yeah, Bones?"

"I still don't know how I feel about psychology, but talking to Amelia regularly really helped me… having someone objective to talk to," she said. "When you don't have to be brave and strong all the time, it helps to work through things. Dr. Delaney is doing that for me now, and Dr. Wyatt helped you," she went on. "You know… before. But I don't know if I can trust Sweets to help you now."

"Maybe we should give the kid a chance," he said. "He actually is pretty good. If I showed him a little respect and actually listened to him for a change, I might actually learn something," he said with a wry smile.

He kissed the top of her head as he looked over at the clock on the bedside table.

"It's late," he said. "And you've got to get up for work in the morning. We should try to get some sleep."

"Okay," she said, her voice already weary with sleep. "We can talk more in the morning."

It was quiet for a long time, and he thought she was asleep.

"Booth?"

"Yeah, Bones?"

"I love you."

"I know, baby," he said. "I love you, too. Go to sleep."