Lunacy

"You shall not pass!"

I blinked as a cane was waved perilously close to my face, nearly going cross-eyed to track it. Death sighed and swatted it away, pointing a finger at the strange zombie. "How many times must I kill you?" He asked exasperatedly, spreading the hand with another sigh.

War looked surprised. "You as well, brother?" He asked, looking distastefully at the tainted human.

Wicked K— Otherwise known as Wicked Killington, as he had so graciously informed me earlier— clicked his tongue at them disapprovingly. "Kill kill kill, is that all you brutes think about? I was hurt when you hadn't stopped by sooner! Really, it felt as though my heart had been ripped right out of my chest!" He then peered down at the glowing-orange, bulging rupture in the middle of his chest. "Oh dear me. I believe it already has." He murmured to himself sadly.

I pressed my lips together, and decided to salvage the situation for whatever it was worth. Any other Wicked seen shambling around Earth was just a mindless host for the demonic energies infecting it. But this was the only one that was actually intelligent, and seemed to maintain some semblance of personality. Though, whether he was just as stark raving mad back in his mortal days was unknown to any of us…

"You'll have to forgive them." I lifted a hand dismissively, directing the creature's attention to me. Ignoring the baffled looks I was receiving from each of the Horsemen, I continued, "But they're always so busy, and you know how work seems to take over your life every now and again. These two have been doing this for centuries, you must know, so they have a bit harder a time of it than everyone else." I folded my hands in front of me neatly.

Wicked K stared for a moment, before pink bubble hearts sprang from his eyes and popped in the air. What in the hell…? "Oh, you! You must have tea with me sometime— Nay, this time! Right here, right now!" He threw his arms into the air and spun on his toes. Oh god, this is going to be traumatizing, isn't it… "Let those big ruffians go, and accompany me to tea. Yes, yes, that sounds fantastic. Oh, I do implore!" He clasped his hands and leaned forward, right into my personal space.

If he wasn't some desiccated corpse walking around with a top hat and cane, this might not have been one of the weirdest happenings in my life. But, unfortunately, this made the list easily. And he was pretty frightening, this close…

But I smiled brightly, and giggled coquettishly. And the Horsemen better love me, because being crazy had always been a little too easy… "Now now, what do you expect me to do, hmm, Mr. K?" I asked archly, shaking my head. "I can't just tuck them away in a pocket for later. They're far too big. And they have business to attend to, and it would be just dreadful if we detained them, wouldn't it?" I added a winsome smile to the end, getting him to nod his head vigorously in tune with mine.

"It's like they're speaking the same language." I heard War mutter to his brother in an insultingly impressed tone. There was the brief sound of someone getting a light backhand behind me, which I tried to ignore. Why can't they ever make things easier for me?

The gentlemanly Wicked bowed dramatically, holding out a hand for me to take with a sharp tap of his cane on the ground of the cave.

I smiled wryly. "Mr. K, you haven't answered my question. May my friends pass through unhindered? I shall stay back and keep you company— My presence is far from needed on this excursion." I held my hand up, wriggling my fingers over his withered palm in a teasing dance.

The Wicked beamed. "But of course! The quicker the better! Please, gentlemen—" Taking my fingers with the dried hand, he gestured War and Death past him with the other. "Do take your time, would you? You could even choose not to come back, if you wish. Oh, how wonderful would that be! It would be never-ending teatime, then!" He sighed wistfully, unnatural eyes shut in yearning.

War gave me a hard, meaningful look, and Death led him past us with a derisive glance in the Wicked's direction.

"Oh, we will return. Have no doubt about that." It was all the austere declaration the Pale Rider needed to make, and they continued on without me.

I waved to their backs for no other reason than to keep up the ploy for this strange, unkillable zombie, and then smiled. "Shall we, then? We only have until the clock strikes twelve!" I figured that, being a former human, he would understand the nuances I had to avoid using around the others.

The animated corpse peeked open a single eye, and a crooked grin angled his mouth. "Or when the clock strikes whenever they fancy. Or whenever we fancy, actually. Oh, the Nephilim are such a fearsome, respectable lot aren't they?" He sighed in great admiration, lifting my hand high and leading me through a separate tunnel, walking backwards without a single care in the world. "Death was so courteous when he severed my spinal cord, and War— Such kindness he showed, when my head toppled from my shoulders! You know. You remember, yes?"

Okay then.

"Of course." I nodded fervently, and skipped in my step. "But we can't forget your own battle prowess, can we? Mr. K, I do declare that I haven't seen a single Earthen creature to carry itself with the grace and finesse as you do." I looked at him ponderingly, and then added, "Or with such a fine hat. I've had a few in my time, but none that float or teleport."

An orange-rosy glow filled his grey, sunken cheeks and I asked myself how, exactly, a Wicked could blush— But, after the bubble hearts earlier, I decided to just treat this entire scenario like it never happened, and just not question it. "Oh, such praise you give me! I feel utterly unworthy to have such words spoken about my humble self." He demurred abashedly, and then stated urbanely, "And please, just call me Killington. It's difficult to hear one's name being spoken when all of your brethren are drooling savages, don't you think?"

I giggled.

Crazy people…

"Do you think she will be all right?" War asked his brother, brows drawn together deeply as they continued deeper into the cavern. "I do not trust that… Creature."

The eldest laughed under his breath. "You have a few things to learn about women, brother mine." He replied dryly. "I believe she'll do better with the madman than by herself, as long as she can speak. As long as she talks, she should be fine." The edges of his laughter bounced softly against the dripping walls.

The Red Rider didn't seem to like being underestimated in such a way. "You believe me to be so daft in my judgment?" He growled, but his brother wasn't deceived.

"If you trusted your judgment in this case, War, you wouldn't have asked me." He pointed out calmly, before letting out a breath and clasping him on the arm consolingly. "Worry not, War. Worry not." He assured him. "Rather than being in danger, it would be ironic if we avoided a fight by leaving her behind, and yet had to fight to claim her back."

War's tone was sour, making his brother chuckle. "Your assurances leave much to be desired, brother. But for her sake, I hope you are right."

Death looked to be miffed as his youngest brother walked past him, before shaking his head in amusement and following after him.

Authors Note: I did it. I can't believe... Damn you anon, you have given me plot bunnies that won't leave me alone. X3 I think I might continue this one in it's separate series. Perhaps, "A Date with Wicked K"? Hmmm. ...Dear lord, I think this may have been the crackiest one I've done yet. ._.