Get ready for the weekend update! Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you enjoy the story and I hope you stay around for more!

Melanie: Thank you! Derek is going to return in chapter 11 and they'll finally make time...
Kiley: Very private consult in chapter 11.
Stephanie: Thank you!
Sara: Hope you enjoy the next chapter!
Shelley: Yeah, right now they are in mommy/daddy mode and trying to figure out how to balance everything.
Charlene: More to come!
Jill: No, April hasn't called Derek. He's out of state as you'll find out in this chapter.
Patsy: Thank you for the review!
Susan: Let's see where the story is taking us. It's not completely uncharted, but I incorporated some storylines I wanted to explore. Hope you enjoy it.
Lily: Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoy the story!
Arlene: More bounding time about to come.

Chapter 10

The dream is this - that we'll finally be happy when we reach our goals: find the guy, finish our residency raise our kids, that's the dream. Then we get there. And if we're human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Because, if this is the dream, then we'd like to wake up. Now, please!

"Your son is getting big." Bailey noted when Meredith held Christopher in the elevator. "But he doesn't have his dad's hair."
"But he has his eyes and his smile. I could look at him for ages." Meredith smiled "Can't believe he's 5 months old."
Bailey nodded. She was able to remember Tucker's first year very clearly. Time was running fast. "It goes by so fast, he's going to be up and running before you know it. How's that new house?"
Meredith sighed. Derek had been gone for three days now and she started to miss him like crazy. After a short phone call he had started to act weird around her and had booked a flight to L.A. almost immediately after looking at the case. But she wasn't just missing him, she also missed his help with Christopher. "It's big and it feels weird to be in it alone now that Derek is gone for the week and I'm here at work and everything is so stressful. I couldn't do this without him. It's feels like I'm missing out on so much in Christopher's life because he spends a lot more time in daycare when Derek is gone. Do you ever feel like you are missing out on Tuck's life?"
"Yeah, it's why I couldn't pursue the peds fellowship position I was offered. I just kept thinking that if I wanted to hold a child all day, I'd be at home, holding my own." Bailey said. "I don't know how you can stay sane on that rotation."
"I know. I mean I know why you couldn't. All this suffering and pain. They are little kids, they don't deserve the cards they are dealt with." Meredith nodded.
"Because you want to shelter them from everything bad and make them feel like they are loved and protected and then you go over to the peds wing and realize that you have absolutely no power over what's going to happen to them." Bailey added.
"And that's why I don't want to have a child. They are depressing, you have to take care of them and they make you unfocused in your job. But my boyfriend doesn't understand that, apparently he wouldn't mind to raise a football team." Cristina interrupted them. The doors opened and Bailey left the elevator shaking her head while Meredith and Cristina stayed behind in the elevator .
Meredith looked at her and knew "You still haven't told him?"
"No. I haven't" Cristina admitted "I can't be like you. You are clocking 20% less hours in the OR compared to me. I couldn't ever go back to that."
"Coward! Just do it! Rip off the band aid! I better get going. As you know I have to take Christopher home. Derek, Addison and Mark went to L.A. to visit some old friends and Derek was called in for a consult, so we are going to be alone tonight. He won't be home until Sunday."

"So this is the big reveal, Meredith, this is the place we are going to live in the next few months. Just you and me, sweetie we'll spend so much time together because all men are cowards." Ellis told her daughter as she turned around the key to open the door. They hadn't slept since she had woken up her daughter in the middle of the night the day before. "It's not as nice as your room in Seattle but you'll get used to it. We are getting a fresh start here in Boston."
Meredith walked around the one bed room apartment. There was hardly any furniture in it and the walls looked blank. "Mommy, I don't like this house and I forgot my anatomy Jane, can you ask someone to get it?"
"I'm very sorry, Meredith, but nobody can know that we are here. You'll have to get by without her" Ellis told her and cradled her.
"But I want my anatomy Jane." Meredith insisted and tears were filling up her eyes.
"You have to learn to live without it. I left my anatomy Jane in Seattle too." Ellis tried to cheer Meredith up. She wanted her to grow up to become a strong woman who wouldn't make the choices she did.
Meredith looked at her mother who she had hardly seen the past few months because she had been working a lot. She had been saving lives according to her father. "I didn't know you were playing with dolls?"
"I was. We can to a shop and buy something nice for you tomorrow. You know mommy loves you, do you?" Ellis said and told Meredith to go to bed.
"Yes, and I love you too. And I love daddy."Meredith looked up at her. She did not understand what was going on.
Ellis sat down next to Meredith. "Meredith, you have to look at me and you have to promise me that you are not going to cry now, but we won't see daddy again. He's in Seattle and we are in Boston. We had to leave and he had to stay there. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
The little girl nodded even though she did not fully comprehend.

"Here we are young man! Your very own crib for tonight. Right beside mommies bed." Meredith smiled and put Christopher down in his portable crib. She needed his company. She needed to feel close to someone because the house seemed to be too big without Derek. She kissed Christopher's cheek and told him "Mommy is going to get your blue light and we'll sleep just fine without daddy" before she left the room with the baby monitor.

She browsed through every box, she looked into her hand bag over and over again and cursed herself. It wasn't in the car either. The light was nowhere to be found "You suck! You are an idiot and you shouldn't be a mother!"
She grabbed her phone and dialed her sister's number. She knew Lexie was working the night shift and that she might be able to answer a question for her. "Lexie, you are at the hospital, right? Can you do me a favor and see if Chris' blue night light is in my locker?"
"It is" Lexie texted her five minutes later.
"Thanks! I'm an idiot." Meredith replied and mumbled "My son will hate me because I'm a crappy mom."
"Don't worry. He won't notice." Lexie replied, but Meredith felt like a bad mother.

"Mommy is sorry, she forgot your blue light at the hospital. But you don't have to be afraid, she's right here with you tonight and daddy is going to be home soon too. He's in L.A. at the moment operating on someone who has a very rare brain tumor and he helps that person to get better. Otherwise he wouldn't abandon us. He had to leave and we had to stay here. He's in L.A. and we are in Seattle, do you understand? He'll be back before we know it, so please be a good boy tonight and let mommy sleep because she…" Meredith whispered when she sat down on her side of the bed for a while "… you are asleep and you are such a good boy." Meredith watched him for a little while before she grabbed the baby monitor again and went into the living room.

Meredith dialed Derek's number. "Your son is asleep. How's L.A.?"
"It's nice. It's weird to hang out with the old crew. Mark, Maria and Addison spent the day at the beach while I was stuck at the hospital Sam is working at." The voice on the other side of the line.
"How did the consult go?" Meredith wondered.
"Fine, I'm just not sure the patient wants the surgery." Derek said.
"Why?" Meredith wondered. It seemed unusual.
"The tumor is situated right in the part of the brain that makes her who she is. Right in the temporal lobe. It's a difficult decision. Would you want to erase everything you are for the chance of surviving as someone totally different. How was your day?"
"Held a dying child for 40 minutes until her dad came and I went to daycare after she died, I know it's stupid but I just had to check on Christopher and I forgot his blue light in my locker, so I'm officially the worst mom in the universe." Meredith said. It was one of those days where she would have needed his hug and his smile to make her feel better, but hearing her voice was all she could do.
"I thought that title was reserved for your mother." He joked.
"Well, it's one area where I easily outshine her." Meredith insisted. Meredith was able to hear Derek's giggle at the other end of the phone.
"You are a great mom."
"I'm not. I forgot his blue light."
"And right now he's probably asleep and lying 10 metres away from you. You are a wonderful mom." Derek insisted.
"It feels weird to be here without you. I miss you, Derek. It's like I can't sleep alone."
"I'll be back before you know it. I love you Meredith. I'll go and talk to Sam a little bit."

"Kepner, what are you doing here? Last time I checked you were on neuro." Meredith wondered when she walked up to the nurse station in the peds ward.
"Well, Dr. Shepherd isn't here this week and Dr. Bailey said my talent could be utilized somewhere else in a better way while he is away. So I'm covering for Dr. Karev today who reached his 80 hour limit last night." April said with a smile on her face.
"Delightful." Meredith said and forced herself to smile.
April didn't pay much attention to her reaction and continued to talk "It must be wonderful to be married to him. You must miss him. I am. I mean I would. I would miss him if he was my husband and was away for the week. The patients missed him yesterday."
Meredith bid her lips and tried to calm herself down. She missed Derek, but didn't want to lash out at someone for no reason. "April, this admiration for my husband, it's professional, isn't it? Because if it wasn't… if it wasn't professional. "
"It's completely professional" April insisted "Dr. Shepherd is a very gifted surgeon and a wonderful person. The way he talks to the patients, it's amazing and I think it's amazing that he wants to christen your son."
"April, shut up." Meredith interrupted her. "He won't baptized him. I don't want to do it now. I want to wait until he's old enough to understand what it means to be Christian, to be christened. I'm not religious and I don't want to feel like a hypocrite pledging to raise him in a way I don't believe in."
"Meredith, you wouldn't be a hypocrite if you let Dr. Shepherd raise Christopher that way. It's enough if one parent knows how to guide him and how to provide moral support" April said, but Meredith glared at her. "I'm just saying, if it's just a little water over his head for you, let Dr. Shepherd decide if he wants to do it."
"April, I appreciate your input here, but if you keep talking I'm going to kill you with that scalpel here." Meredith threatened her and the red head finally backed off and looked at some charts again. She was able to provide moral support. She had values.

Meredith was annoyed that she had to spend the day with April Kepner. All of her friends had told her that she had a little crush on her husband and most of them made fun of April because of it. Meredith wasn't that kind of person, but she needed some private place to get all the anger she felt at the minute off her chest. She walked into a supply closet and after walking in she noticed that there was somebody in there. It was Callie and a blonde woman who was wearing navy scrubs. They were kissing or more than kissing, she only saw them for a few seconds. She froze and stuttered "Oh my god, sorry, I was."
"Get out Grey." Callie shouted and Dr. Robbins turned around.
"Sorry." Meredith said and walked out of the room. This was a truly unusual day it was the first time she was the one who walked into someone making out in the supply closet.

Meredith starred at George. She was walking down the stairs when she ran into him. It was the first time they met since Lexie had told her about their night. She kept starring at him and he grabbed her shoulders. She looked at him and said "I just walked in on your ex wife and Dr. Robbins. I have no words for this. They were making out in supply closet. I mean, who does that?"
"You and Shepherd did." George reminded her and laughed.
"Point taken." Meredith giggled, but George had processed what she had just told him and wondered. "My ex wife is into girls and the last person I had sex with started crying while we were at it. What's wrong with me?"
"I know, Lexie told me, or did it happen again?" Meredith asked cautiously.
"Lexie told you? This is embarrassing." George said and hid behind a chart.
"She just thought that it was like kissing her brother. She really likes you, but only as a friend." Meredith told him.
"Why did she kiss me?"
Meredith laughed. "Because she's screwed up, lonely and irrational. She's a Grey. Misery seems to be in our DNA."
"Why am I always the friend, never the one any woman considers to be anything more than a friend? I'm 007 or Bambi. I'm hilarious, I'm a joke, look at poor George O'Malley who sleeps with women and they either turn out to be lesbians or start crying. Look at me! Look at poor George." George shouted.
"George, relax. You don't want the entire hospital to know about this, don't you?" Meredith tried to calm him down, but she was quite unsuccessful. She turned around and saw her sister "What? You are unbelievable. I tell you one thing and you go and discuss this with George?"
"Lexie, It wasn't like this." Meredith turned around.
"Sure it wasn't sure he came to you and told you 'oh Meredith, I used to have this huge crush on you, but now I kissed your sister and she cried while we had sex'." Lexie shouted back at her and George.
"I didn't mention your name. Do you know how I feel?" George tried to talk to her to explain the situation.
"Like you lost your best friend?" Lexie asked. George really did feel like this, but he felt like this because Izzie had left, not because he couldn't talk to Lexie anymore "Because that's how I feel. We talked so much since the merger. You got me." Lexie continued.
George tried to get away and used the standard line as an excuse."I have to go, I have to prepare a patient for surgery."
"Thank you for everything! Just stay out of my way next time I share private information with you." Lexie told Meredith.
"It wasn't like this Lexie." Meredith said, but her half sister didn't hear her.

After this unpleasant confrontation Meredith walked back to the peds ward where she met Dr. Robbins. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Robbins. I didn't know you were in there. I'm not going to tell anyone because I don't think it's any of my business." Meredith said. It was common knowledge to anyone that Callie was having sex in the hospital, but she had never heard anyone saying this about Arizona Robbins.
"It's fine, Dr. Grey." The pediatric surgeon said. "I have three patients I need you to monitor. They are all waiting for organ transplants, so you know what you have to do. The parameters are in the charts. Page me if something happens." Meredith nodded and was left to herself for the rest of the day.

"Heard O'Malley freaked out on the stairway?" Alex wondered when she stopped by at the old house after work.
"He did." Meredith rolled her eyes. Rumors really did spread fast inside the walls of the hospital.
"And now Lexie is mad at me because I talked to him about it even though he was the one that brought it up and even though I told her that she would regret pursuing him in the first place. But I guess, I would have done the same."Meredith noticed as she discussed the issue with Alex over a cup of coffee.
"Do you think she got that consult? I mean looking at her tumor markers she could be dead by now if she didn't. We'd never find out if she was." Alex said and looked at her.
"Forget about her, Alex. You are in Seattle and she is in Boston." Meredith said using the phrase her mother had used to explain to her that she couldn't talk to her dad anymore. "You had to stay here and she had to leave.
"What are you trying to tell me? She's in L.A." Alex wondered. He had virtually no clue what she was trying to tell him.
"It's something my mother told me. I guess what she meant was that some things can't be fixed because you are not in the same place. And that you are not in the same place because it wouldn't be beneficial if you were in the same place." Meredith said.
"All philosophical now?" Alex let out a sarcastic laugh.
"It's what happens if you take care of a baby all by yourself. You have a lot of time to think if you lack adult company. I mean I hardly get to see Cristina because since I had Christopher I'm pariah to her. I'm really looking forward to Derek's return. He has a lot to make up for after one week." Meredith laughed and started to prepare Christopher's bottle.
"What is he doing in L.A. anyway?" Alex wondered and took Christopher out of his car seat to feed him. "Why didn't he take you with him?"
"I don't know. Maybe because I'm a resident and working" Meredith answered.
"So what is he doing there? Must be a special patient if he flies all the way down there"
Meredith handed over the bottle for him after checking the temperature. "He's down there for a consult, the patient agreed to the removal of the tumor now. Stage 4. Metastatic. 5% chance of survival. That's all he wanted to tell me.

The next day was a little bit better. Staying at the frat house for the night had made things easier for Meredith as Alex had volunteered to look after Christopher at night and sleeping in the old bed room made her miss Derek a little less. They had had a lot of fun in that bed. The house wasn't empty in the morning and her travelling time was halved. She scrubbed in on one hernia repair and two tonsillectomies with Dr. Robbins so time moved quickly. She got out of the hospital in time to meet Cristina for one beer at Joe's. Meredith sat down next to Cristina saying "My husband is in L.A."
"You still haven't had sex?" Cristina looked at her and laughed. "How long has it been?"
"We still haven't had sex and based on the fact that Derek won't be back for two days that's not going to change too soon. I need sex. Everyone at this hospital is getting some, but me." Meredith giggled and ordered a beer. "This child keeps me from having sex."
"If it's any consolation, I don't have sex either. Owen is pissed that I haven't told him that I don't want kids. Like what am I supposed to tell him? 'Hello I'm Cristina Yang and I don't want children' " Cristina rolled her eyes.
"He's withholding sex?" Meredith looked surprised.
Cristina nodded "Yes, because I don't want children and he has to assess whether he can be with me knowing that …"
"you won't last because he knows he wants to have a family." Meredith added.
"Anyway, be glad, your sexless streak is going to end once Derek is back." Cristina told Meredith and they both continued to drink their beer in silence.
"Have I told you that we started to schedule sex like Dr. Sloan and Dr. Montgomery suggested because apparently that's what surgeons with babies do to get some." Meredith said after she finished her beer.
"Sloan and Montgomery?" Cristina raised an eyebrow. "Ugh, seriously, gross, why do you even tell me?"
"They have a kid, the fact that they have sex is kind of a giveaway." Meredith giggled. The both remained in silence while drinking the rest of their beer. Meredith got up and said "You will fix this."

"Glad to see you up here looking out for your nephew." Meredith said when she walked into the nursery to pick up Christopher. "He loves you"
"Meredith, I didn't know you'd be up here. I can go if you want to. I didn't want to go up to the maternity ward because you might be there." Lexie apologized.
"Lexie, it's fine, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to George about you, but he started it. I found Callie and someone else making out in the supply closet and I just had to share it with someone. And then he started to talk about you and him. I shouldn't have engaged in that conversation and I'm sorry." Meredith said. She shouldn't have told George that Lexie had confided to her about the issue.
"It's alright, I know you didn't mean to, but right now everything feels so messed up. I used to know what people my age do, I was prom queen and valedictorian but right now, I feel like I don't get anywhere. I don't know how people my age are supposed to feel. I see death all the time and it seems like everyone moves on with their lives and I'm stuck here in my own personal limbo. I just thought I had a plan. Finish my residency, get settled in my career, find a nice guy, move in with him, get married and have a kid." Lexie said "It just doesn't seem to work out for me."
"It passes Lexie. That feeling passes and you can't plan your life. It just happens. One moment you are miserable and then comes the moment when you're not."

At some point maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold onto the dream, or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life the true dream is being able to dream at all.