A VERY STARKID MUSICAL
ACT ONE PART TWO
…
(The lights fade back on and we see that the set has turned to a sort of warehouse, one that has old fashioned 30's style mobster characters stalking around with weapons and boxes)
(A tall man with Italian mobster accent, old fashioned, enters and is played by Dylan Saunders)
Val Cony: Hey, are all of yous early done stacking those boxes?
(A tall man with abnormally deep voice, obviously played by Jim Povolo)
Tall man: Nearly, boss.
Val Cony, while smoking cirgare: Good. Things are going perfectly. (Perfectly oddly pronounced poi-fect-ly)
(Strangely annoying and cheery obnoxious voice is heard as a tall figure covered by darkness walks in, brandishing a long gleaming walking stick and wearing a suit with a bowler hat)
Stranger: If by perfectly you mean "The Bat's on his way so we had better hurry and get all of these boxes stored as quickly as we can" well then…
Tall man: The Bat is coming here?
Other mob henchman: What are we gonna do, boss?
Val Cony, angrily: Are you serious about the Bat comin' here?
Stranger: No, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say that if that was what you meant by perfectly, then you're wrong. If by perfectly you mean "There's no sign of the goddamn Bat and we haven't got anything to worry about" well then yes!
(Mobsters either breathe a sigh of relief or look angrily in the stranger's direction, including a furious Val Cony)
Val Cony: Well, by perfectly I sure as hell don't mean "There's an annoying man in a green suit hiding in the darkness jeering at us". Who the hell are you, anyway?
(Stranger twirls cane around a bit)
Stranger: Just a friend. But you can call me-
(He steps into light and we see that it is the Riddler played by Corey Dorris, actor of Big T in "Me and My Dick" and Yaxley in "A very Potter Sequel")
Riddler: The Riddler!
(A tall man with a half of his face white and the other horribly scarred with purple and red colors, a wide eye, and large, frizzy white hair storms in furiously)
(This is Harvey Two-Face, played by Richard Campbell)
Two-Face: What the hell is going on here?
(He is about to shout angrily at Val Cony when he spots the Riddler)
Two-Face: Oh, not you again you costumed freak!
Riddler: Oh, now is that a way to greet an old college roommate?
(Audience laughs)
Riddler: Besides! Look, you have on a costume. (Points at Two-Faces's half black suit, half red and black stripped)
Two-Face: At least mine makes sense! (Strides across stage with pompous manner)
Two-Face: It is important to keep up appearances.
(Pause while Riddler looks at Two-Face with cocked eyebrow)
Riddler: You may wanna start with some heavy duty face makeup.
(Two-Face wheels around angrily and strides quickly up to Riddler, pulling out his famous double barrel pistol and pointing it into the Riddler's neck)
Two-Face: Riddle me this, Nigma. What's to stop me pulling BOTH of these triggers and sending your questioning little head flying across the room?
(Pause)
Riddler: Science. I doubt my head will go that far.
(Two-Face pushes the gun a little more into his victim's neck)
Two-Face: You are trying my patience. You have until the count of five to give me a good explanation on why you are here! One-
Riddler, babbling: Wait, five seconds isn't enough!
Two-Face: Two-
Riddler, worried: This is making it VERY hard to act like a classic Batman villain while you're pointing a gun at my neck!
Two-Face: Four-
Riddler: Oh, well now I should just be allowed to start over! You skipped THREE!
Two-Face, quickly: Oh, no, no. You can't! I was just kidding! Mhm.
Riddler: Oh, yeah, of course.
Two-Face: Yeah.
Riddler: Okay.
(Pause)
Two-Face: FOUR-
Riddler: Oh, You're Coin! YOUR LUCKY COIN!
Two-Face, caught off guard: My coin?
Riddler, frantically: Yes, the Lucky ONE!
Two-Face, talking to his duo personality self: Should I use the coin? Well, I don't know. Maybe we should think about it? How about I just blow his head off? Use the coin? Should I use the coin?
Riddler, screaming: USE…THE FUCKING…COIN!
Two-Face, deciding: Very well.
(Pulls out coin and tosses it into the air)
(Everybody looks up, waiting)
(There is a long pause and the coin does not return back down)
(Riddler and Two-Face look at each other)
Riddler, after pause: I think you lost it.
Two-Face: Indeed.
(He pulls away from Riddler)
Two-Face: Well, I suppose I shall have to use the fairness of innocent until proven guilty like in my old courtroom days.
Riddler: Yeah, good. Which reminds me, how the hell did somebody like you move on to working with the mob?
Two-Face: Good paychecks. And they serve free hookers at the meetings.
(Audience laughs as Riddler looks slightly surprised)
(He opens his mouth to say something and forgets about it)
Two-Face: So, why have you come back?
Riddler: Well, old buddy of mine. I want to offer you-
(He puts his arm around Two-Face and leans in as if offering him a very important deal)
Riddler:-a relationship.
(Pause while Two-Face looks very taken aback)
Two-Face, stammering slightly: Um, um-ah, uhh, thank-you. B-but I don't really like you in that way, Edward…Or in any way at all possible for that matter.
(Riddler shakes his head)
Riddler: Let me word that differently. How about a partnership?
Two-Face: It still sounds like you're asking for my hand in marriage.
(Riddler pulls back)
Riddler: Wait, let me try again. Would you like to be my special buddy? No, DAMN IT! It still sounds wrong! A friend with certain benefits? No, Fuck! Uh…I can't word anything correctly since that damned Batman booterang, or baterang or whatever the hell it was called.
Two-Face, as if speaking to a slow child: Are you saying you want to be my partner in CRIME?
Riddler: Yes! A partnership concerning mutual agreements a bonding of paper- you know what, I'm just gonna stop talking.
Two-Face: No, I understand what you are proposing. And that you're not PROPOSING. But what have you to offer that I don't already possess? Try to word this one carefully this time, it's a tricky question and I am armed with a gun.
(Low jazzy music that was sung by Big-T in MAMD begins to play)
Riddler: Okay. Let me explain it to you the way every non-gay supervillain explains something to a future partner of his in crime. In a JAZZ SONG!
(Starts to snap and move in sexy, stylish, theatrical movements as three backup dancers who are all female and happen to be Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn)
(Riddler starts to move like he did in this song during MAMD)
Riddler, singing: Take a look at what you see, I betcha never seen a bad guy so fine…I've been blessed with style and sense of dress, I'm the pinnacle of God's design…I riddle cops, Batman, and all, and of my crimes I'm proud…Every innocent hates the way I talk, and is scared of my obnoxious sound…
Hey, buddy don't you see? It could be you, the lady villains, and me? (Speaking) So what do you think, Harve? You and Me? Not married!
Two-Face, nervous and slightly excited by ladies: I…er…I dunno.
(Riddler smiles and stalks closer, looking menacing)
Riddler, singing: Take a look at what you see, I mean you're not exactly a terrorist, dear…You're henchman's are floppy, and your style is sloppy, and those burn makes won't disappear. (Shoves his gloved hand all over Two-Faces's left side of his face)
But join with me…and you'll be just fine…Batman and Robin won't know what to do when I'm yours and you are mine! Go on and take your pick. Be a villain, not a pussy prick.
Catwoman: Meow.
Evil ladies, singing: Who're those dudes with the bloodstain shoes, don't be a prick.
Riddler, singing evilly: Everyday walking down the street, you're the number one villain and you rule the street!
Evil ladies, singing: Who're those men, with the secret den, don't be a prick.
Riddler, singing: Every night, when the moon is right, we'll tear down this city and dance in the fire's light!
(Penguin suddenly stumbles in, looking flustered)
Penguin: Harvey! I'm sorry what I did to you! I'm here to give you that cut of the cash I owe you. Promise! (Sees Riddler) Hey! What the hell is HE doin' here, wah?
(Riddler giggles darkly and looks back at Two-Face)
Riddler, singing: Take a look at what you see. It's that penguin dick crawling back…He left you out there in the world, now tell me, what kinda dude does that? But join with me and it will be grand…we'll be the badasses of the town, I'm the guy and you're da man! Hey!
Ladies, evilly: Whose that fatass, tryin' to be badass? He's a total dick!
Riddler, manically: Get that sad little trucker outta here!
(Val Cony and Tall man oblige as Penguin cries out for mercy)
Ladies, evilly: Who's that slob, about to be killed by the mob? What a loser prick!
Riddler, laughing: There's a new Joker in town. And his NAME…IS THE RIDDLER! HAHAHA!
(He and Two-Face put their arms around each other's shoulders)
Ladies, singing: Who're those dudes, with the evil plans so crude? Watch out for their tricks!
Two-Face and Riddler singing: We're the gods of bad and the kings of cruel, when we get mad, it'll be bad for you!
Ladies, singing as music gets louder: Who're those guys, for whom the victim cries? Watch out for their tricks!
Two-Face and Riddler singing: We'll kill every Gotham rat, including that stupid goddamn bat!
(Song fades along with lights as the villains all laugh cruelly and audience cheers)