If I Fall

Chapter 12

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"Hey Sakura," Tenten turned to her friend and grinned. "Thanks for coming."

"No problem," Sakura smiled brightly at her, putting her keys in her purse as they left the car. "I have to do this, as well. I think it's fun to go together."

"I wish I needed a dress." Ino spoke up in a martyred tone, and Sakura and Tenten exchanged a long-suffering look. Tenten had asked Sakura to come wedding dress shopping with her, and Sakura had thought it was a convenient solution to her own need for a dress come spring, so she had agreed at once. Unfortunately, Ino had heard about their intended trip and invited herself along. So far, she had spent the trip bemoaning her own lack of the trappings of a larger ceremony, and it was wearing thin very quickly. "I mean, he didn't even get me a new outfit or anything. Just, 'oh, whatever crap you're wearing is fine.' He could have cared less if I'd married him in my ratty old pajamas."

"I think that's romantic, what you guys did." Sakura attempted in a bracing tone as they headed into the bridal shop. "And really, it's nice to do all this, but think of how amazing that he wanted to sweep you off your feet like that and surprise you!"

"Yeah, well, everyone gets the swept feet thing for the proposal, if you recall." Ino gave them both accusatory gazes, as if they had somehow conspired against her happiness. "I mean, Sakura, he proposed in front of everyone for you, and I'm sure whatever crap Shino did was great, too. But then Shikamaru sneaks me off and gives me a ring and no dress, no flowers, no anything!"

"He did give you a child." Tenten pointed out. "And frankly, he had just spent half his winter break hunting Japan for you because you had your freak-out thing. So really, I think the lack of ceremony and planning could be excused."

"Plus, you know Shikamaru, he doesn't like attention." Sakura explained. "He only wants you there, he doesn't care who is watching or how you're dressed or anything. Everyone is different, Ino, so it isn't like every relationship and wedding and everything is all the same."

"Still," Ino sighed. "I mean, I would have looked amazing in something like this." She fingered one of the gowns hanging in the shop they'd just entered.

"Hey, why don't you help us?" Sakura offered generously. "I mean, you love modeling things, right? Why don't you try some of them on, so we can see the dresses."

"Well, they might not look the same on me." Ino pretended to hesitate. "But okay!"

Sakura and Tenten exchanged another look as Ino ran over to wrangle a salesperson into attending them. It was becoming increasingly obvious that this was most likely Ino's aim in coming with them. "Oh well, it can't hurt." Tenten murmured, rubbing her still-flat stomach the way she often did these days without really thinking of it. "It can't, can it?"

"My only worry is that she's stolen Shikamaru's credit cards and is planning a present for herself." Sakura hissed as the blonde came back, looking happier than she had all day. Sakura wondered if she could call Shikamaru and warn him without alerting Ino.

"I hear that both of you are looking for dresses? Just come this way, we'll make sure you get everything you need!" the salesperson, a woman who seemed to be just a bit older than them, looked as though she had just won the lottery. Sakura figured she was thinking about the double-commission, or maybe triple if Ino did what she feared the blonde might be planning. Tenten grabbed her elbow as they were ushered forward, and she glanced over to see that for the first time throughout all of this, the sensible girl actually looked nervous. It was like she had finally realized what was happening.

Sakura had to admit, when she sat rattling off her preferences and price range to the woman who was helping them, she felt as normal as if she were shopping for groceries, but as soon as she was ushered into the changing room and saw the first dress fall over her head, an inexpressible excitement overwhelmed her, and she felt her heartbeat speed up. She would have thought…after all this time, being engaged nearly two years already, she didn't expect that putting dresses on would make her feel somehow more like she was getting married…but it did. When the clips were in place and she walked out to let Ino and Tenten see her, she felt tears welling up in her eyes, and she recalled with startling clarity just how she had felt when Sai had proposed to her.

"I'm really getting married…" she muttered under her breath as she looked at herself on the stand, turning to survey the gown in the mirror. "I'm going to be Sai's wife."

"Yeah, it's not really that different." Ino assured her, for once having the advantage and feeling it keenly.

"Oh, Sakura, you look so pretty!" Tenten seemed to be just as affected as her, and she turned to the other girl, flushed and radiant and happier than she'd felt in months.

"I don't know, that one kind of makes your butt look big." Ino snapped at the woman helping them. "Get her something less flouncy!"

"Thanks, Ino." Sakura felt herself descend quite swiftly from her euphoric haze and she stomped back to the fitting room. She didn't have much as far as a spending limit, but she still was able to try on quite a few dresses, and after the initial giddiness wore off, she was actually able to do it without getting all misty-eyed with each fitting. In fact, by the time she tried on a dress that she felt sure of, and that received the thumbs-up from Ino and Tenten, she felt a bit relieved. It was fun, but she didn't want to be cinched and pinned up all day long.

However…the dress did look good on her, and it was a bargain. She was so pleased with it, she couldn't help twirling a bit in the mirror, imagining how Sai would look when he saw it…

Before she'd left, he had expressed concern over what would happen if she became pregnant soon, as it would affect her dress' fit in May, certainly. Sakura almost told him she was still taking the pill, but she couldn't do it.

Thinking of that…somehow the gleam of the dress faded a bit. She sighed as the woman took it away and she put her normal clothes back on. Maybe by then…I'll be ready, and maybe when I'm wearing the dress, I will be pregnant.

Determined not to drag down the mood of Tenten, or even Ino, she went back out to see that Ino had insisted on being next. She laughed as she sat down next to the girl who was set to be married within a month, but had deferred to the insistence of the blonde.

"We should have just let her go first." Tenten joked. "Since her wedding is first."

"Well, unless she's got a time machine, it's not going to really make a difference." Sakura sighed heavily. "Although…maybe if she gets to prance around in a few dresses, she'll calm down."

"Look at me!" Ino came out squealing, picked up her train and twirled around before calming and doing a very regal walk up to the pedestal to admire herself better. "Don't I look amazing? Wait, Sakura, can you get my phone out? Take a picture and send it to Shikamaru."

"Ino…" Sakura and Tenten exchanged looks. Certainly, Ino did look nice in the dress, but it was really a moot point. "You realize…we aren't here to get you a dress."

"Well, there's no harm in looking great, is there?" Ino replied flippantly. "Just send him the picture." Sakura sighed heavily, digging through Ino's purse and took the picture to send, unable to stop herself appending the short text message "I'm sorry" to the bottom. Hopefully he would realize they weren't intending this Ino dress fever.

"Okay, I sent it." She frowned. "Are you going to try on some more, or is it time to have Tenten—" she cut off as Ino pranced away to change.

"I can just pick from the ones she's wearing." Tenten shrugged. "No big deal."

"You are aware that if you do that, she will probably steal your dress." Sakura advised, and Tenten blinked before shrugging.

"Well…I only need it the once. Plus, it turns out that Shino's parents are going to pay for the wedding. I think they're trying to be invited…or trying to get Shino to talk to them again or something. I'm not sure." She grinned wickedly at Sakura. "I just keep telling him we should hold out for when they buy us a house and at least two cars…joking, obviously, but…I mean, I'm sure you know how I feel better than anyone." She reached over and grabbed Sakura's hand in her own. "It sucks, the way they just write you off like that, like you aren't even worth their time. And some of the things his mom has said…I just want to punch her in her dumb prim face."

"It's not…so bad." Sakura offered a weak grin as she realized this issue, this thing that had been bothering her for years was something that indeed, Tenten could sympathize with. Sure, Sai's parents didn't think she was a gold digger like Shino's parents seemed to think Tenten was; instead she was apparently some sort of living succubus of sin and damnation. Or something. It was hard to be clear when Sai's mother started shrieking. His father wasn't bad…but he also didn't ever stand up to his wife.

I wonder…if maybe I'm letting that affect how I feel about a baby.

She didn't have to think hard to realize what Sai's mother's reaction would be to any child conceived out of wedlock. The woman seemed to go between extremes of believing that Sakura and Sai were constantly "fornicating," as she so charmingly termed it, and thinking that Sakura was just trying desperately to seduce Sai, but that his resolution was too strong to give in. But then again…she'd made an entire relationship out of ignoring everything that woman said.

But do I want to curse a baby to never have the love and approval of its grandmother…even its crazy conservative grandmother? I mean…my parents would love it, obviously. But I don't want to write off Sai's parents so completely like that.

And maybe…maybe it's just that, but it could also be that I'm just afraid of the future, of how we'll live, of what we'll do with another mouth to feed, with us still studying. Is this too impulsive? Maybe Sai sees the wedding coming, and he can see kids in the future…and he's waited so long, it's hard to keep waiting, and he's trying to get it all at once. Can I begrudge him wanting his own family?

"Aren't you worried about the dress fitting?" Tenten asked as Ino came out in a new dress, again going quite wild over how amazing she felt she looked. "I mean…if you get pregnant soon, and the wedding isn't until May."

"I…I think that's the last of my worries." Sakura admitted, and she turned, thinking that maybe…maybe she could tell Tenten what she felt, and maybe her friend could help her sort it out, see a solution.

"I didn't expect it to happen so soon, frankly." Tenten continued after they had given Ino enough praise to send her back to the dressing room. "And…I mean, it might be vain, but I did always picture doing the whole thing, with the dress and the people there. But to be frank, I don't want to wait until after I get in shape again after the baby comes to get married…so instead I just pushed it up. Shino told me I could have whatever dress I wanted, no matter how much it cost—before even his parents said they'd pay. I think he knew I did want a ceremony…I sort of see how Ino feels, but at the same time…do you think I'm going to be like this? Just because I didn't have a giant church wedding with like a thousand people there?"

"Hey, you know we'll all be there, if you want us." Sakura assured her. "And if your parents are there…you know they probably want to see it more than you. You know, it's a mom thing."

"That's true, my mom wouldn't hear of not being there." Tenten nodded, smiling. "She said she didn't care if we were getting married under a bridge by a sewage outlet wearing cast-off rags, she'd be there, and she'd probably cry like a baby."

"Hey…if you want…I bet Aki would make an excellent flower girl." Sakura offered, and Tenten started giggling, picturing the havoc the toddler could cause with a frilly dress and a basket of petals. "I was already planning on her for my wedding, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind a pair."

"That means you have to make Ino a bridesmaid at least," Tenten teased. "Good thing about the small wedding, not having to have all that whole court…it just makes the friends you do pick pissed about whatever dress they have to wear, and the ones you don't pick pissed you didn't pick them."

"Oh god…I keep trying not to think of that." Sakura groaned.

"Look, look at this one!" Ino came back just then. "Satin looks so good against my skin, don't you think? Look at how the sheen just accentuates my complexion. It is a travesty I never had a dress."

"Well, I am sure that some day—" the salesperson began as Tenten and Sakura shook their heads violently in warning.

"Oh, I'm married!" Ino launched once more into her tale of woe. "But I never had any announcements, no wedding album, no dress, no garter belt, no bouquet, no reception…only this ring."

"It is a nice ring." Sakura spoke up as the sales woman looked over the ring, clearly unsure of what to say, as she had just opened an unexpected can of worms.

"Lovely." The woman managed.

"But does it make up for the memories I missed out on!" Ino stamped. "I could have had this dress! Everyone would have stood up to see me coming down the aisle, and they all would have said how good I looked, how you'd never know I have a baby."

"Not at all." The woman agreed mechanically.

"And my mother would have said how beautiful I was, and lazy Shikamaru would have even admitted that it was worth the trouble, and that he'd never look twice at that stupid philosophy first-year whore."

"Wait…what?" Tenten blinked at Sakura, expecting her to know what this was about. Sakura paused before snapping her fingers.

"One of the students he's tutoring is a good-looking first year." Sakura recalled. "I think…she came storming into my room a week or so ago…her name was something…starts with an s, I think."

"Shiori!" Ino stomped again. "Ugh, get this thing off me, I don't want to feel like a bride anymore. Men are pigs!"

"Well…that's over." Tenten blinked in surprise as the sales woman rushed after Ino. "Very abruptly. Is there anything to this whole Shiori thing? Only…I don't know, Shikamaru is way too lazy to cheat on Ino."

"Yeah, I know, that's what I keep thinking." Sakura rolled her eyes. "I mean, forget that he obviously loves her despite all the crap he has to put up with, forget the fact that you can still catch him looking at her sometimes like he thinks he won the lottery and is waiting for someone to announce it was all a mistake and take it back or something…I mean, he's really obviously happy. But think of how hard it would be to have an affair in our house, and against Ino, of all people. She's in everyone's business! It would take so much stealth."

"Clearly. He can't even tutor girls without her suspecting them." Tenten was clearly reassured by Sakura's vehement denial of the claims. "So she's just feeling…threatened."

"Well, Temari said the girl seemed like a bit of a flirt, and the thing is…Ino's really secure, but imagine how either of us would feel if a really cute first year was batting her lashes at our respective guys." Sakura rationalized. "She'll realize that he is certifiably in love with her and get over it, just give her a week or two."

"Is this why she's cut back on the really lewd talk about every other guy in the house?" Tenten asked, suddenly making a connection in behavior.

"Maybe." Sakura shrugged. "Frankly, I'm not the psych major. I have no idea what Ino thinks half the time, and the other half…I just think she doesn't think at all. She just…does whatever."

"Alarmingly likely." Tenten got up as Ino came back huffily, and went to try on some dresses herself. Sakura didn't want to be pleased that Ino didn't seem so happy about wedding dresses anymore, but she felt the rest of the afternoon pass by with ease despite the fact that Ino was clearly in a bad mood.

Angry Ino was somehow…easier to handle at times.

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Sasuke had a lot of reasons to be angry.

First of all, his dumb leg was broken, and it was entirely due to those idiotic baby gates. Why did anyone need a gate? If Aki was so stupid as to fall down the stairs, she probably wasn't worth the trouble of raising and protecting. Sasuke was positive such precautions wouldn't have been used on him when he was a baby. Although…to be frank, he couldn't remember being a baby, and in any case, it would have likely been better if his parents had been more involved in his upbringing, if for no other reason than to prevent what had happened between him and Itachi.

Secondly, he was being ignored by Naruto, which was completely unfair and totally ridiculous, and even more aggravating than the broken leg that had caused this. Naruto was used to how Sasuke acted when he was sick or injured. He knew that Sasuke hated people seeing him that way. Although…he had to admit, part of him had pleasant memories of his first injury at college…the sprained ankle on his part and bruised ribs that Naruto had suffered while catching him falling out of a tree. If not for that incident…Sasuke might not have realized he had feelings for Naruto other than enmity, and he might not have realized that there were a lot better things he could do with the blonde than just antagonize him all day. Even now…it amazed him to see the way that being with Naruto had changed his life for the better.

Because of his being ignored and the broken leg and all, Sasuke had also lived in extremely frustrated celibacy for the past five weeks. This was not a state that Sasuke, who had been enjoying regular sex with the love of his life any time he wanted it for nearly three years now was able to handle easily. He was quite sure that the lack of sex had started to affect his attitude detrimentally around the first week of his injury, and that had led to him apparently pushing Naruto too far and being told off by Neji, who was now probably enjoying all kinds of inappropriate favors with his boyfriend as well as Naruto. It was completely unjust. Of course he knew they were likely all sleeping in the same bed. It was only a matter of time before Naruto fell prey to Gaara, who was clearly trying to get into his pants at every turn. And Neji, rather than being threatened by this, would probably just call it a great time and join in. So typical.

And on top of all that, he had to help himself everywhere, having to gimp his way into the bathroom and manage the damned baby-proof toilet on his own, having to use a stool for the shower because he didn't have Naruto to help him there either. At least when Naruto was helping him in the shower he'd had a chance to see the other man naked. Now only Neji and Gaara were probably seeing that…they probably all showered together…

Sasuke forced himself to breathe calmly, forced himself to unclench his fists and propel himself out of his car, a rather awkward arrangement he had grown used to out of necessity more than anything else over the past weeks. He arranged his crutches and headed for the front door, trying not to think of all the things that Naruto was probably being made to do with Gaara and Neji, who probably thought Sasuke's attitude was totally reasonable, considering the leg, and had only taken advantage of the situation so that they could have the blonde all to themselves. Well…his leg wouldn't be broken forever, and then…when the cast came off next week…then…

I'm going to have to apologize. Sasuke knew this. He didn't like apologizing. He was more annoyed than anything that simply because he had been a bit snippy and because they had said it was best, Naruto was leaving him alone utterly and living with Neji and Gaara as though they were complete strangers, with nothing in common besides being in the same house. Sakura came to check on him regularly, sneaking to help him with this or that, which he pretended to find annoying, but was secretly quite touched to see. He had been completely convinced that the only thing that kept him in the good graces of everyone in the house was Naruto's own regard. To see that anyone would do anything for him…it was nice to know she was his friend, no matter what. He had noticed others surreptitiously checking on him…and he liked to think that Naruto, while making a show of ignoring him, was secretly dying of worry. He kept hoping Naruto would burst into the room he was using, Neji and Gaara's normal room, and apologize for abandoning him and getting so upset about the things he said, the way he acted…

Struggling to get the door open without putting weight on his leg or dropping his crutches, Sasuke cursed under his breath. He was at a very difficult point, emotionally. He wanted to just apologize. He knew that he had been cruel for no other purpose than to try and detract from his own pain and embarrassment, and he owed Naruto more than that. Naruto, who patiently put up with everything he dished out, who would forgive him anything and had done just that over the course of their relationship, whose primary concern had always been Sasuke's happiness. Of course Naruto must be worrying about him. And without Gaara and Neji…he was sure that they wouldn't have even been separated by his bad behavior.

But…really, he should be more appreciative. Was he taking Naruto for granted, after all these years, had he forgotten that he was the lucky one, he was the one who should bend over backward and do everything he could to make Naruto happy? Had he forgotten all his mistakes, all his faults, everything that Naruto had taken in and embraced with a sunny smile, better balm than anything else had ever been. Naruto had taught him how much he could love someone, and how that person loving him in return could heal all his old pains, all his doubts and fears fading under the sunlight of Naruto. Always there for him, always willing to compromise so that Sasuke was satisfied, so that Sasuke was happy. Why didn't he compromise? Why couldn't he even admit he was wrong? Was that really so much to ask, in return for three years of unconditional love and acceptance?

What's wrong with me? Is it really such a big deal that everyone see me like this, that they know I can barely use the bathroom by myself, that I have problems getting around? Is it such a blow to my pride that my friends help me, that Naruto helps me? Would that really be worse than losing him, having everyone know that I lost him because of my stupid pride?

Sasuke felt a tingling nervous sensation as the thought occurred to him. Naruto wouldn't leave him over this, would he?

He might.

It wasn't worth the risk. Probably Naruto was missing him…if he just apologized, if he just told him that he knew he was at fault, they could forget about this. And soon, he'd be out of the cast, and it wouldn't be nearly so hard to be even-tempered. Well…even-tempered by his standards. And while he was angry with Neji and Gaara for keeping Naruto from him…he could still remember that talk he'd had with Gaara while he was waiting with his freshly broken leg for health services to come and take him in. He knew that despite how much he wanted to be angry with them, to think they were both maliciously keeping Naruto from him so they could use him for their own pleasure…he knew that when it came down to it, they were just trying to protect Naruto, to make him stand up for what was right. He didn't deserve Naruto, he knew that. How had he forgotten? How had he come to treat the blonde so callously?

There was some sort of excitement in the living room…he peered in, leaning on his crutches and saw at once that they were having a birthday party for Aki. Naruto was there, with the others, clapping as the toddler opened her presents and babbled happily, sitting in the center of the room with her parents. Naruto was taking pictures, which was predictable of him, to say the least. He would want to help Shikamaru and Ino remember this, just as he always helped everyone with everything he could. Never mind that he was a photographer, he would have volunteered for the job even if he barely knew how to use a camera. Well…there was no use trying to drag him away from that. Surely Naruto would want to be with his friends right now, not dealing with his surly boyfriend.

That was when something unexpected happened. Ino was happily thanking someone for the outfit that they had given her daughter, holding it up and smiling. Naruto snapped a picture, and then Gaara, always near Naruto, spotted Sasuke and nudged the blonde. Sasuke froze.

Naruto's smile slipped momentarily, and Sasuke realized when he saw it that Naruto was happy…but that there was really something bothering him. He knew that smile too well to be fooled by an imitation, by a forced replica. Naruto…could it be that Naruto missed him as much as he missed Naruto? Gaara had his hand on Naruto's shoulder now in a way that was so familiar, it made Sasuke ache with jealousy and regret. That should be him, whispering into Naruto's ear. That should be his hand curled naturally around the shoulder he knew the taste of better than he knew anything else. For one irrational instant, he was torn between longing and furious jealousy, and then he saw Gaara's head tilt oddly, and Naruto turned, and their eyes met, really met for the first time in weeks.

Sasuke wanted to sob. He wanted to fall to his knees and beg forgiveness. He wanted to do anything, anything to have that unguarded look of happy, contented devotion that he had become so accustomed to. Instead…the blue eyes were guarded, the face hopeful and wary at the same time. Gaara dropped a light kiss on Naruto's cheek and Sasuke clenched his hands around the handles of his crutches so tightly his nails bit into the rubber grips.

Were they mocking him? Why would Gaara kiss him like that, as if to underline Sasuke's failures and to emphasize how the situation between them had shifted in the redhead's favor? Naruto gave Gaara a soft smile, and Sasuke thought that if they really kissed right at that moment, right in front of him, after the past weeks of misery, he would turn and go to his room and never come out. Because now…for the first time, he could really see…despite his jealousy, Gaara was good for Naruto. Gaara treated him much better, with much more kindness and consideration. And maybe…maybe that was why he had always hated the other object of Naruto's affections. Because he gave Naruto what Sasuke wished he could give.

Was it too late to admit he'd been wrong? To fix things? Had he lost Naruto?

"Sasuke," Naruto approached him then, and to Sasuke's immense surprise, Gaara spared a genuine smile for him, not for Naruto, who he was always sharing smiles and tender moments with, but for Sasuke. The effect was amazing, to see that face, normally so guarded and closed off, devoid of emotion except for the passing glimpses spotted between him and Naruto, or of course him and Neji…but this…

Suddenly, Sasuke understood more about Naruto and Gaara, and about Gaara himself than he had since they had met. And he realized…they weren't so different. Maybe…maybe they didn't have to be enemies.

"Naruto," he managed with difficulty to not gape at Gaara, and to instead turn his attention at Naruto, the center of his thoughts and concerns for weeks, and if he was to be frank, for years. "Naruto…I'm…I miss you." It was more honesty than he would normally ever show in public, and though he knew that their friends, twenty yards away and deep in their celebration, likely couldn't hear anything, he was aware of Gaara's eyes on him, the weight and heat of the gaze, and he wasn't sure he was comfortable under the expectations it showed him.

"Sasuke," Naruto spoke his name as though it were a mantra, something that could heal them both, could solve any problem between them and bridge any rift in understanding. "Let's…let's go talk, okay?"

"Okay," Sasuke couldn't believe how relieved he was that Naruto even wanted to talk to him. For some reason, at that last moment, he had felt sure Naruto would just ignore him as he had for the past few weeks, and that the pain and longing he saw hidden in that guarded gaze was nothing more than what he wanted to see there.

He negotiated the crutches around, hearing Ino call out to him, asking him where his present for Aki was or something…he wasn't sure. Naruto was all that mattered. He still wasn't an expert with the crutches, but he was able to follow the blonde back through the entrance foyer where Naruto hesitated before leading him into the room he'd been staying in, Neji and Gaara's bedroom. Sasuke angled himself around and through the door, and despite being nervous, immediately went to the bed so he could drop the crutches and rest his leg without having to worry about at least that.

"Sasuke…" Naruto was standing, pacing as much as he could in the space near the still-open door. He looked like he was working himself up to something, and Sasuke was terrified. Was he going to break up with him?

"I love you!" Sasuke blurted out at once, not knowing what he was going to say until the words were out. Naruto blinked at him, no longer pacing, his face unreadable but clearly showing some degree of surprise. "I do, and I know I don't say it enough, and I show it even less…especially when things don't go my way. I know I'm a moody bastard, and I…I don't have any real excuse. You put up with everything, and you look out for me, and never complain, and always forgive me, and I'm sorry that I am this way…but I do love you. And I don't want to lose you, and I should have…should have remembered that. You're more important than my dumb leg, more important than…than anything."

"Sasuke," Naruto's expression was tight, and still unreadable, and he turned. Sasuke felt his heart drop through his feet, but then Naruto simply closed the door and turned back, leaning over him and kissing him once, twice, and again. On the lips, on the face, on his throat. Sasuke let out a strangled noise and pulled Naruto down fiercely, attacking him so that he could show his feelings in a way that he was more accustomed to. "I would never leave you, no matter what a grumpy asshole you are. I love you, too."

Sasuke heard the words, but he didn't respond. He simply clung to Naruto, determined to prove everything he said.

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To be continued…