Bruce returned from the bathroom about ten minutes after he had entered it, smoothing his hair back and hearing the vigorous ringing of bells from a few blocks away. "Boy, someone is really ringing those church bells," commented Selina, glancing out the window. "I guess Batman's battling the clowns now."
"Glad he got there," commented Bruce, taking his seat next to her again. "I'd love to watch him work sometime."
"Oh, come on, Bruce, you can't seriously support that Batman lunatic, can you?" demanded Two-Face.
"I don't see why not," said Bruce, lightly. "Why is that a problem?"
"It's hypocritical," retorted Ivy. "You tell Harvey he can't associate with criminals who are needlessly violent, but you support one just as long as he beats up the kind of people you think deserve it. In what way is Batman different from any of us?"
"Well, he doesn't kill people, for starters," retorted Bruce.
"So inflicting permanent physical and psychological scarring is somehow morally superior in your world, huh?" demanded Ivy. "In gardening, you have to kill the weeds so the flowers can grow, not leave the weeds battered and bruised and think that's gonna somehow give you a beautiful garden. Killing is a necessary evil, especially if you agree with Batman's aims for a Gotham without crime. Or do you think the Joker is just gonna magically reform one day if Batman beats him up enough?"
"I think taking people's lives is wrong," retorted Bruce. "That's a moral line which I don't think anybody should cross for any reason."
"And it's understandable, after what happened to your parents," said Two-Face, gently. "But Bruce, some of the people I used to prosecute got the death penalty, and I never heard you objecting to that. The law supports execution for capital crimes. Is taking people's lives ok when the state deems it so? Would it have been ok for the state to execute Joe Chill if he had ever been caught?"
"If he had ever been caught, I would have fought to reduce that sentence to life imprisonment," said Bruce. "Killing him would have been vengeance, not justice, and I don't support vengeance."
"And life imprisonment is somehow better than execution?" asked Ivy. "Spending years wasting your life behind bars is better than just ending it quickly? I guess you've never really been locked in a cage to understand the comparative mercy of death, Bruce. At least death gives you freedom."
"Maybe for the people who die, but for the people who are left behind, it's the worst cage imaginable," snapped Bruce.
"So this is the problem, isn't it?" asked Two-Face. "This is the thing you can't get past. It's this no-killing principle."
Bruce nodded slowly. "I don't believe that people who can take lives are truly capable of love," he murmured. "Because if they were they would never take a life, because every life they take was loved by someone. And it's inhumane to inflict that loss and suffering on another human being for any reason. My parents' death…broke me. I can't bear the thought of losing Harvey too, and I can't shake the fear in the back of my mind that one day he'll get in the way of your plant crusade and you'll kill him too, as thoughtlessly as cutting down a weed. Just like you tried to do the first time you met him. I almost lost him once to you, and I will not lose him again."
"It's my choice, Bruce," retorted Two-Face. "And you don't have to support anything that Pam does, or even associate with her at all if it makes you uncomfortable. But you will lose me again if you give me an ultimatum, or have me make a choice between you and her. You're my friend, and friends are meant to support each other, even if they don't personally approve of the situation. Like you did when I was Two-Face."
"I only supported you as Two-Face, Harvey, because I always believed that one day you'd come back to us," said Bruce. "Back to the light."
"So if I'm not the person you want me to be, that's the end of our friendship, is that it?" asked Two-Face. "Because if that's the case, I don't think our friendship is worth very much."
"No, Harvey, I just…want what's best for you," said Bruce.
"And you have to trust me to know what that is," retorted Two-Face. "It's my life, Bruce, not yours. I understand your concern comes from a place of fear and love, but you can't try to control other people's lives like that. If you love someone, you have to let them go."
"Wise advice," said Bruce, nodding. "Maybe consider taking it," he said, gesturing at Ivy.
"Bruce, please," said Two-Face. "I've done my soul-searching, and I know who I want to be, and who I want to be with. You either respect me enough to respect my choices, or you don't. That's it. It's not complicated – it's black and white, fifty-fifty, heads or tails. You just have to decide if you can accept the situation, or if you can't."
Bruce suddenly held up his hand for silence. "Do you hear that?" he whispered.
"What?" asked Selina. "It's quiet."
"Exactly," murmured Bruce. He stood up suddenly. "Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom again."
"Do you think it's food poisoning?" asked Ivy, looking after him as he hurried off. "Or maybe he's met a girl in there?"
"Ha ha, very funny," muttered Selina, sipping from her drink and praying that Bruce would be back quickly with a good excuse for running out. Otherwise he could blow his whole secret.
…
"Should have beaten them both into a coma when I had the chance!" hissed Batman under his breath, as he scampered across the rooftops toward the church. He arrived at the bell tower to find it empty – the rope had snapped, and the clowns were gone. Batman sighed, looking around for clues as to their whereabouts, but he didn't have to look long.
"Yoo hoo, Batsy!" called an annoying voice. Batman looked out from the bell tower to see Joker and Harley on top of the neighboring building, waving at him. "Looking for us?"
"If you want a beating, you're going to get it!" shouted Batman, gliding across to them.
"Only if you can catch me!" chuckled Joker. "Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you'll not catch me, I'm the Jokerman!"
I swear, he's repeating lines now that weren't even funny in the first place thought Batman to himself, as he pelted across the roof after them. They suddenly disappeared in the crack between the buildings, and Batman reached the edge, looking down to see where they had gone. It was completely dark in the alley below, and Batman glided down, scanning the darkness carefully. He glanced out onto the street, but there was no sign of the clowns. Sighing heavily, he grappled up to the rooftop again to search for them.
"Yoo hoo, Batsy!" repeated the annoying voice. "Over here!"
Batman turned to see Joker standing on top of a water tower back the way he had come. Batman leaped across the rooftops, vaguely wondering where Harley was…
And then figuring it out when a hammer suddenly slammed into his face. Harley had been crouched at the base of the water tower, hidden from view until Batman had arrived, and she had taken him off guard. Batman reeled back at the blow, managing to avoid Harley's next one by ducking, and then launching two Batarangs at her. One of them embedded itself in the water tower, and water began to pour out, making the roof slick. Batman leaped forward, colliding with Harley, who lost her balance and fell backwards into the water.
"Aw, Mr. J, I'm wet again!" she called up at Joker.
"Nice one, Harl!" he chuckled.
"This isn't water," said Batman, as he climbed to his feet and wiped his fingers through the spill. "That tower's filled with…lighter fluid."
"Correctomundo!" exclaimed Joker from the top of it, lighting a match and grinning. "Not just lighter fluid, but twenty pounds of C4, which will blow this tower outta the sky and cause the roof to come crashing down on this fancy apartment building below! Just a little backup plan – I always have them prepared just in case things don't go according to the original plan, because where would be the fun in that?"
Joker brought the match to his lips to light his cigarette, and then held it over the tower. Batman grabbed Harley around the waist, and then shot his grappling hook at the tower roof, reaching it just as Joker dropped the match. Batman was too late to catch it, but he grabbed Joker and jumped off, and the weight of the three of them ripped the tower off just as it exploded in a huge ball of flame and debris. The force of the explosion sent the remains of the tower over the edge of the roof…and the three of them straight through the window of Dini Towers.
They crashed through the glass, along with a ton of debris, and landed on the table where Ivy, Two-Face, and Selina were sitting. "Harley, you promised me Joker wouldn't crash this date!" roared Two-Face. "That's literally what he's doing!"
"It wasn't Mr. J who did the crashing!" shouted Harley. "It's this stupid Bat-freak!" she said, kicking at Batman as he struggled to hold them.
"Oh my God, this is a disaster," muttered Selina, burying her face in her hands.
"Why don't you let Harley go, Batman?" asked Ivy, trying to pull her free.
"Why don't you mind your own business?" shouted Batman. "And stop interfering in people's lives who are a lot better off without you!"
"Well, somebody had to say it," agreed Joker.
"Shut up!" hissed Batman, restraining Joker's arms behind his back and then doing the same for Harley. "Just shut up!"
He dragged them both out of the restaurant and down the stairs. He had had the good sense to take the Batmobile that night, but to park it safely in an alley around the corner, and he shoved the clowns into the backseat of the car.
"Just stay there and don't do anything!" he snapped.
"Don't you worry, Bats, we already did more than enough in that church," said Joker, winking.
Batman tried not to think about that as he returned to the bathroom at Dini Towers, changed back into his tuxedo, and re-entered the restaurant.
"Goodness, what happened here?" he asked, looking around at the mess.
"The clowns happened. Again," muttered Two-Face. "Along with that interfering busybody Batman."
"Batman, eh?" asked Bruce. "Well, I'm sorry I missed him."
"Are you?" asked Ivy, staring at him curiously. "I don't think you are."
"Why wouldn't I be?" asked Bruce, dread slowly creeping over him.
"What's that on your face?" asked Ivy. "That red stuff?"
"It's…ketchup," said Selina hastily, grabbing a napkin and wiping under his chin, just as Bruce said, "It's blood - I had a nosebleed in the bathroom."
They shared a look. "Well, whatever it was, you'd think you'd have checked a mirror before coming back out," muttered Selina.
"You know, sometimes I'm less vain than you think I am," snapped Bruce.
"But not less vain than Selina, I'm betting, at least not judging by her perfume," commented Ivy. "She's wearing $2000 a bottle Nightshade by Chez Gerard."
"How do you know that?" asked Bruce.
"I invented it," retorted Ivy. "Before my transformation, I was briefly employed as a research chemist for that cosmetics firm, but had to quit for ethical reasons. I always had empathy with plants, and killing them to cover up human body odor was the most humiliating death I could imagine for them."
"Well, I hate to disappoint you, Ivy, but I'm not wearing your perfume," retorted Selina.
"Oh. Then it must be coming from Bruce," said Ivy, lightly. "Awkward."
"Why would I be wearing women's perfume?" demanded Bruce.
"I don't know - maybe it's because you've been in close contact with other women tonight," said Ivy. "As I said, awkward."
Selina glared at him. "I haven't…" began Bruce, but then trailed off when he realized it must have come from subduing Harley. "I…know how it got there, but I'll explain it to you later," he said, pointedly.
"Explain it now," said Selina.
"I'll explain it," said Ivy. "I've figured out Bruce's dirty little secret."
Bruce stared at her, his heart pounding in fear. "He's having an affair with a woman waiting for him in the bathroom," declared Ivy. "That explains everything – the red stuff on your face is her lipstick, you reek of her perfume, and you keep ducking out to see her. You're actually so disgusting that you're two-timing one girl while on a date with another, but I guess the risk of getting caught is part of the thrill in the illicitness of the whole affair. If you want to be with another woman, at least respect Selina enough to break up with her rather than cheat on her while you're on a date. But I guess you're a typical man in wanting to have your cake and eat it too."
Bruce felt relief wash over him, but that was instantly quashed when he looked at Selina, who just glared back at him. They both realized they would have to run with Ivy's theory to throw her off the Batman scent, but that would mean more humiliation for Selina. Bruce silently vowed to buy her her weight in diamonds as he stammered, "Yes, that's…it. I'm…sorry, Selina."
"Oh Bruce, how…could you?" said Selina, trying her best to sound outraged but not really selling it.
"So who is this floozy you're cheating on Selina with?" demanded Ivy.
"Uh…her name is…Chardonnay…Moon," invented Bruce, looking around at objects on the table and out the window. "I met her at…my last party."
"That's pretty despicable, Bruce," said Two-Face. "I don't approve of you two-timing Selina, and frankly, it's a little hypocritical of you to preach morality to me when you're doing something like that. Maybe it's the lack of commitment in your own life that's really bothering you about me and Ivy. But ultimately your problem with our relationship is your problem, and something that you have to overcome. We'll leave you to do that," he said, taking Ivy's arm. "Goodnight."
"Selina, if you'd like us to give you a ride home, we'd be happy to," said Ivy.
"No, I'd like to stay here and have a word with Bruce," said Selina, still glaring at him.
"See, it's not me you have to worry about killing you, Bruce," said Ivy, smiling at him. "Goodnight."
"That's what you think," muttered Bruce under his breath as Ivy and Two-Face left the restaurant.
"You're damn lucky I love you, you know that?" demanded Selina. "I should have blown your whole secret then and there. But now I'm forced to be the loyal girlfriend and stand by you like some spineless wimp, even though they think you're cheating on me. I hope you appreciate all the sacrifices I make for you, like my pride and reputation in the eyes of my friends."
"Believe me, Selina, I do," sighed Bruce, sitting down and pouring them both a glass of chardonnay. "I'll do whatever you want to make it up to you."
"Yes, you will," agreed Selina, sitting down next to him and taking her glass. "But for now, let's just enjoy what's left of the dinner together."
Bruce nodded. "I'm all yours for the rest of the evening," he said, kissing her. "Just as soon as I return Joker and Harley to Arkham," he added.
"Great," sighed Selina, rolling her eyes.
"You could come with me," he said.
"Thanks, but that doesn't sound like a fun date, and I didn't bring my suit," she retorted. "Not all of us go everywhere dressed for trouble, you paranoid psychopath."
"It paid off tonight," retorted Bruce. "But at least it's almost over. Just this one quick errand and then I'm all yours, I promise."
At that moment, the Batsignal lit up the night sky. "Oh, come on!" shouted Bruce, startling everyone in the restaurant. "Sorry, just…seen the bill," he invented.
"Uh huh," sighed Selina, rolling her eyes again. "I tell you what, we are both paying for this."