— CHAPTER TWELVE —

Harry woke in Severus's bed, a bed he was very familiar with. He blinked sluggishly and immediately closed his eyes again, tightly. He raised a hand to his throbbing head with a slight grimace. The pain was immense. A warm hand slipped under the back of his neck, lifting his head. A low voice murmured, "Drink this."

A vial was pressed to his lips. Harry obeyed, trusting the hand and the voice. The pain dissipated immediately. He opened his eyes as Severus set aside the vial. The man was sitting on the bed beside him, looking as if he hadn't slept. Harry watched him uncertainly, waiting for him to speak again. He really had no idea what to expect from Severus now.

Severus leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. From that position the man said quietly, "It shames me to realize that my first reaction to learning your identity must have been exactly what you expected, thus justifying your unconventional methods of pursuing a relationship with me. I would have never considered you otherwise."

Severus paused briefly then continued, "Even after everything we have shared, after all you have done for me, after you - you nearly died to save me… my hatred of Harry Potter blinded me and I abandoned you, cursing your name. I wanted to… kill you."

Severus's last words were barely audible, as if he didn't even want to say it now.

Harry reached out and placed a hand on Severus's thigh gently. Severus did not move for a moment then he swallowed and finally dropped his hands. He looked down at his lap then up at Harry. His expression was raw and shockingly vulnerable as he said, "It is inconceivable to me, that you could love me as you do… but how can I possibly continue to deny it when I now know it must be the true?"

Harry whispered, "Dominic Wake and Harry Potter were always the same person, Severus. Why can you accept Dominic's love but not Harry's?"

"Dominic was an incredible man, one I felt so grateful to have, one I felt I did not deserve. However, we were nearly the same age, roughly similar in ability and also in appearance. In relationships there should be some balance... You're Harry Potter."

Harry closed his eyes, feeling a different sort of pain now, "Severus, what I did in the war was what I had to do. It was horrific and terrible and I lost part of myself forever. Do not hold my accursed fame against me now."

"Harry, you are half my age and you are, inarguably, the most powerful wizard since Merlin. Furthermore, you are... the most beautiful man I have ever known. Irregardless of how you feel about the part you played in the war, you are the savior of the wizarding world and I… well, I am just a Death Eater."

"You were a spy!" Harry burst out in immediate exasperation. "The information you provided-"

"Harry. Stop. I was only ever able to get that information because I was first a true believer - because I took the mark and sought the Dark Lord's favor. I may have redeemed myself, but I have been irrevocably tainted… even if you have inadvertently removed my dark mark by giving me a new left arm."

This last statement startled Harry but then he scowled and said fiercely, "Severus, I won't let you talk about yourself that way."

A faint smile turned Severus's lips. He reached down and placed his hand over Harry's, which was still resting on his thigh, "I know. You don't like to hear me say such things because you love me."

Severus paused then said, "I do not believe I deserve you for other reasons as well - the most notable being my blind hatred and my abandonment of you… However, I am not a noble Gryffindor, no matter how highly you think of me. I am a Slytherin, and so, I cannot let you go just because you deserve better. I am much too selfish."

Harry grinned so widely it hurt, "Oh thank god you're a Slytherin."

The words ended with a telling waver. Severus's gaze softened. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Harry's temple, "I will not abandon you again, Harry. I am yours for so long as you want me, so please rest easy. I don't want you to have another… episode. Especially not when you are still so weak."

Harry drew Severus down, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. Severus went rigid and Harry immediately broke the kiss, looking miserable and chagrined, "I… I'm sorry, Sev-"

Severus shook his head once, sharply, then he caught Harry's chin between his fingers and pressed a firm kiss against Harry's lips. It was awkward but it was clear that Severus was determined. He remained there with his lips pressed against Harry's until he finally relaxed. Harry tentatively moved his lips in the gentlest brush against Severus's and then Severus was kissing him back.

They passed several minutes kissing softly and languidly, as if it was the very first time. They kissed until it began to feel familiar once more and then, after that, it quickly started to become more passionate. Severus drew back before it could escalate too far and his black eyes searched Harry's bright green ones. Severus stayed close to Harry and his deep voice was slightly hoarse as he said, "Please don't be upset."

It was almost a plea. Harry blinked at him, slightly taken aback. His expression softened when he understood. Severus lay down beside him with a relieved sigh, wrapping an arm about Harry's waist and dropping his face against Harry's neck. Harry was worried that Severus was forcing himself to do too much, just for Harry's benefit. Harry said earnestly, "Severus, you really don't have to be with me right now if you don't want to be. I know you're trying to push through the awkwardness you feel but it must be incredibly hard for you to reconcile me with… well, me. It's understandable."

"I've thought of nothing else all night," Severus said, without turning his face away from Harry's neck. "Harry, when you... you broke... I do not ever wish to see you in such pain again. I'll do anything to prevent that. The longer I touch you the more natural it feels."

"Severus, I promise I'm not going to intentionally kill myself." Harry tried to make his words sound lighter than they were but he failed. Severus held onto him a little tighter.

"I might be slightly reassured, if you could say that without adding 'intentionally'," Severus replied dryly, with the faintest touch of his usual snark.

Harry sighed and said, "Severus, you have to understand… I thought I had lost you and I couldn't bear it. I've lost… so much, Severus. It might sound overly sentimental to you, but you are truly the last and brightest star in my sky."

Severus finally drew back so he could see Harry's face. Those dark eyes held him for a moment then the man asked very carefully, "You said once... you said you had been addicted to the Dark Arts and love saved you. Surely that wasn't…?"

Surely that wasn't me?

Severus tailed off as if he didn't dare put his question into words but his question was clear to Harry. Harry nodded and replied simply, "Severus, you are my first and only love. Of course I was talking about you then."

"Harry..."

Severus's voice broke and Harry realized Severus's eyes were too bright suddenly, as if the self-possessed man was actually in danger of shedding tears. Harry smiled a bittersweet smile, "Come on, don't think so much, Sev. You are predisposed to all kinds of hate, including self-recrimination. Can we please just… hold each other instead and talk more in the morning? You must be exhausted."

Harry continued to hold Severus for hours after the man had fallen asleep. Harry silently thanked whatever gods might be for allowing him this happiness. He had been so sure his world had ended and yet, now he found that it had only shifted. Things would be much more difficult now because everyone knew who he was and because he'd become unfamiliar to Severus once more… but somehow, inconceivably, he still had Severus. Surely he could face whatever might come so long as he could just be with Severus.

Severus opened his eyes sleepily and then fixed his gaze on Harry. Harry smiled at him tenderly, lifting a hand to caress the man's cheek, "It is early yet. Go back to sleep."

Severus blinked then his gaze sharpened with sudden alertness and suspicion, "You have not slept at all."

"Don't mind me, love. Sleep."

Severus narrowed his eyes slightly and said nothing. Harry sighed and said, "I don't want to dream, Severus. The pain and the fear is too fresh and I know if I fall asleep I'll have nightmares. I would rather stay awake and continue to assure myself that… that you are still mine. Perhaps I'll sleep later. Tomorrow."

Severus was frowning now and he sat up, moving to stand. Harry extended a hand to him entreatingly, murmuring, "Severus, where are you going? Come back to bed."

"I will return shortly. Wait here."

The man returned with two potion vials. Harry grimaced, "If that is dreamless sleep, I most certainly do not want that. It doesn't work properly. It keeps me asleep but I still dream and it effectively traps me in my nightmares."

"I remember," Severus replied quietly, referring to the time when he had provided Harry with potions during the war. "This is a mild sleeping aid, nothing more. It will help you fall asleep but it will not keep you asleep. The other vial is a rather intense soothing draught, the effects of which shall last for the next nine to nine and a half hours. You will take the draught first, then the sleeping aid. In the highly unlikely event of a nightmare, I will be by your side and I will wake you."

Severus extended the vials and Harry accepted them with a wry smile, "Very well. Thank you, Severus."

He took the potions quickly and was surprised to find that they weren't disgusting - they tasted rather nice actually. He licked his lips and cast a mistrustful look at the empty vials, muttering under his breath, "Those did not taste like I expected…"

Severus crawled back into bed again, wrapping his arm around Harry's waist and resting his head against Harry's chest. Severus replied quietly, "Most potions can be modified to taste better, I just usually don't make the effort."

Harry smiled and wrapped his arms around Severus. The potions were quickly taking effect and it wasn't long before he fell asleep. He did not dream.

When he woke, many hours later, Severus was staring at him. Harry smirked at him, "You're being creepy, Sev. You look at me like you've never seen me before."

"I haven't, not like this," Severus replied gently.

Harry's expression fell and he remembered that he was Harry again, "Oh. Right. Um, I'm sorry. Are you sure you wouldn't rather… Severus, you realize I can be Dominic again, don't you? Wouldn't that be easier? We can just forget all of this awfulness and start over somewhere new. Somewhere neither of us would be recognized. No one would question our relationship. No one would call you a Death Eater."

Severus frowned severely, "You can't run away from your problems all your life, Harry, you're not a child anymore."

Harry looked away, his expression becoming blank and unreadable. There was a long and awkward pause then Severus touched Harry's face, "I… didn't mean it like that."

"Didn't you?" Harry questioned, his voice strained.

Severus was silent for a long moment then he said, "Harry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk down to you. I know… that for many years you were forced to confront many problems including those that were not your own. I imagine that must make it that much more appealing to have the ability to finally be selfish now and to run away and start over whenever you feel like it. Not having ties or responsibilities can be very liberating… Perhaps I might be wrong, but I do not think you would be happy living that way forever. You love teaching and you're good at it. Hogwarts is a home to you as much as it is to me. Everyone knows who you are now but we can and we will make this relationship work here."

Harry nodded but his expression did not shift and Severus must have thought Harry was unconvinced because Severus hesitantly added, "There will be a long period of adjustment… but I loved you when you were Dominic and I do love you still. I'm merely… I'm having a hard time reconciling my former thoughts about who you were with the person I know Dominic to be. There is a distinct separation between Dominic and Harry in my mind and I'm having difficulty resolving it. I'm struggling against the tendency to think of you as if Dominic is currently inhabiting your body. I know the truth - that it was actually the opposite.

"Your age has never actually changed, just my perception of it. You don't look the same but you touch me in exactly the same ways. You don't sound the same but you talk to me in exactly the same ways. You love me in exactly the same way." Severus paused then whispered unexpectedly, "You've loved me for years. How was I so wrong about you for so long?"

Harry didn't know what to say. It seemed as if Severus wanted an answer though so he thought about the question for a long few minutes before replying, "Maybe it all comes down to poor timing and… well, you wanted to hate me from the start, didn't you? You saw in me what you wanted to see. You weren't entirely wrong either, you just… you focused on my flaws and I think maybe you were quick to write off anything positive you saw in me."

"What do you mean, I wasn't entirely wrong?"

Harry drew away form him and stood. He couldn't look at Severus as he said, "A lot of people died because of me. I did the best I could and it wasn't good enough. I tried to distance myself from others but they never stopped caring about me and whenever I would inevitably make a mistake in the war… people died for me."

"Harry…"

"I knew the blame was mine and it absolutely tore me apart - it still does. I didn't want to be responsible for anyone, but I was. I wanted to give those responsibilities to someone more experienced, but I couldn't - no one would let me. I tried to learn everything I needed to know to be the leader that everyone wanted me to be… but there was so much I just didn't know and the enemy always knew more. I thought if I could just become powerful enough, I could keep more people safe. I turned to the dark arts and that did keep more people safe but I knew it was destroying me and I couldn't stop. I felt… so lonely and hopeless. My friends tried to sympathize but they didn't really understand - I think most of them were just secretly relieved they weren't me. Everyone who didn't know me thought I was this inhuman savior but I couldn't keep the people I loved safe and I couldn't even save myself."

The words poured out of him as if a dam had broken. He struggled to keep his emotions in check but he ended up crying anyway. It hurt so much to admit these things out loud and especially to Severus. He couldn't look at the man at all. He also couldn't bear to hear what Severus would say in reply so just continued to ramble, "I'm so ashamed to even speak of these things with you. I don't want to be the person you hated. I don't want to remind you why you hated me. As if me lying to you and deceiving you isn't bad enough already. I can't believe you are actually trying to forgive me for that-"

"Harry, stop!"

Harry jumped and turned, startled. Severus had risen from the bed and he grabbed Harry's wrists now, yanking Harry's hands away from his forearms. Harry hadn't even realized he'd been scratching himself so hard. It was a worrying lapse in self-control.

Harry stammered, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't even realize… god, you must think I'm insane."

Severus was staring at Harry and his eyes were a little wide, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing or hearing. Harry sniffed and looked away, blinking quickly to clear his vision.

Severus released Harry's hands and then he was holding Harry's face between his hands, gently smoothing away the tears that streaked Harry's skin. Harry had no choice but to meet Severus's gaze now and he didn't understand what he was seeing there. It had to be distain. Severus said, "Harry, listen to me, please. I was wrong about you."

"What? No, I-"

"No, Harry," Severus interrupted. "Please. I was so wrong about you. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not crazy. You're… you actually are perfect, Harry."

Harry's shoulders slumped and he wanted to wail but instead he said loudly and emphatically, "No! I'm not! If I was 'Perfect Potter' so many people wouldn't be dead! Don't you see?"

"I do see you now," Severus replied solemnly. He hadn't looked away from Harry, not even for a moment.

Harry faltered, confused by Severus's meaning. Severus pressed his momentary advantage, "I do see you now, Harry, and I'm saying I was wrong about you. I'll keep saying it until you believe me. There is nothing wrong with you and you're not crazy."

Harry began to cry again. Severus whispered, "Harry, it is not your fault people died."

Harry shook his head quickly. Severus kissed him to keep him from protesting then leaned his forehead against Harry's and repeated quietly, "It wasn't your fault. You did the best you could and it was good enough. You've always been good enough."

Harry shook his head and tried to pull away but Severus grabbed him and yanked him close again, wrapping his arms around him in order to keep him there. Harry struggled briefly before giving up. He was too weak to resist Severus physically. Still, he insisted, "I could have done better, Severus. I made so many mistakes. It's all I can think about sometimes."

"No," Severus replied definitively. "No one could have done better. You saved the world and you saved me. You were the only one who could."

Harry clung to Severus now reflexively, struggling to wrap his mind around what the man was saying. He needed to ground himself. Severus was speaking with such conviction and compassion - Harry didn't understand why. A thought occurred to him that made him feel very young and stupid, "You're scared I'm going to have another breakdown. You're saying these things to calm me down."

Severus held him tighter, "I am scared and I am trying to calm you down. I'm terrified you're going to hurt yourself because I said such cruel and unfair things to you. I was wrong about you but you believe those awful things about yourself and I'm scared that now I won't be able to convince you otherwise."

"Severus you- I'm fine, I'm okay, don't be afraid for me, alright?" Harry forced a smile to make the words sound more believable, even though Severus couldn't see his face. "I won't fall apart. You can let go of me."

"No," Severus replied intensely. "I'm not going to."

Harry laughed, but it sounded more like a sob, "Why are you even trying to be with me? Why did you forgive me so easily? You didn't even punish me for what I did."

"Isn't it obvious?" Severus murmured curiously. His tone was very odd and layered with emotions Harry still couldn't comprehend. "Before I fell in love with you, I was hopeless and lonely too."

When Harry was silent, Severus continued on in that same strange tone, "Harry, I'm grateful to you for not giving up on me. I forgive you because… how could I possibly do anything else? If you hadn't done what you did, nothing would have ever changed for me. I would have gone to my grave after living a profoundly miserable life and no one would have cared. I know what I was missing now and I desperately want to keep you. I can't imagine going back to the way I was before you made me love you. I need you."

Harry's shoulder was damp. He realized belatedly what that meant and the realization was like a knife to his bruised heart. Severus had never actually cried, not for as long as Harry had known him. He was crying now.

— END OF CHAPTER TWELVE —

A/N: Thank you GraceDragon609, Owlsnape, Oats and beans, GracefulWolvesInTheNight, PukwudgiePuff, ttennis1121, and the unnamed guests for leaving reviews! I will respond to each of you when I can, if I haven't already. Thank you also to everyone who favorited and followed! Your support makes me want to write all the time, haha. I hope you liked this chapter!

***I can't reply to guests in any other way so responses will be below***

Oats and beans - Your comment made me laugh SO much. I loved reading your reactions to each chapter. I'm so sorry about the emotional roller coaster, haha.

Guest (01FEB) - Thank you for reading and leaving a review!

Guest (04FEB) - That's a huge complement! Thank you so much! I'm sorry about that last cliffhanger but I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Guest (05FEB) - I might add in a little more of Hermione and Ron later but you're right, there is supposed to be a clear disconnect between Harry's present and past. I expected Harry forgiving Albus to be somewhat controversial (everyone loves to hate him and I completely understand why) but it was necessary for Harry. Due to Harry's mental health issues it is very important that he is able to let go of negative emotions whenever he can and live in the present. Harry believed Albus was sincere and his ability to forgive people, even if they may not deserve it, is a positive trait. Severus, on the other hand, is completely different and when he finds out what Albus has done, it is safe to say that he will NOT be okay with it. You might be more satisfied with his reaction.

tennis1121 - Thank you very much! I'm glad you like the story so far.