Snape 12
The next day, they all woke up in a haze on the floor, laying around on heaps of pillows. Bellatrix was the only one missing. The house elves brought in eggs and sausages, coffee, toast and orange juice. Snape was one of the last people to wake up. "You know, I fell asleep at the party last night and had the strangest dream." He said. I dreamed that Voldemort was here, and then Harry and I had a sodfest while you all stood around clapping. I need to spend more time in the potions lab and less time drinking Hagrid's moonshine." He looked around and realized that everyone was looking at the floor and avoiding his gaze. Then, he noticed Harry Potter asleep under one of the folds of his voluminous cape. Snape opened his mouth and shut it again. He looked around the devastated attic chamber. Bellatrix had set up the party room. Bellatrix had overseen the food preparation. Bellatrix had once dated Voldemort. Then, it dawned on Severus's pounding head that if the part of the dream where he banged Harry was true, then the part about Voldemort was also true! Harry stood up wincing in pain with his right hand on his forehead. He tried to walk a few steps, and tripped on the coffin shaped table.
Snape was running down the stairs flanked by Lucius, Wenny and Narcissa. Bellatrix's bedroom door was locked. Snape was furiously hollaring and battering the door. Lucius was dancing with glee at the return of his Dark Lord, while Wenny and Narcissa stood behind them all pale and cringy. Draco calmly walked past them all and said "Mellon." Bellatrix's door swung open and her room was empty except for her evil looking Tonkanese cats prowling the perimeter of her big bed. The sheets were rumpled, and the room smelled like fish. They examined her closet, the side room, and under the bed. No Bellatrix, no Voldemort. But, Snape took his wand and levitated all of their resurrection equipment out of Bellatrix's makeshift lab. He figured he'd hide it where she'd never find it again and then sick Harry on Voldemort. Why not? Harry had already killed him twice.
They went up to the attic where Harry and Ron were still chained to the floor. They were eating breakfast and watching a quidditch game out the window. Wenhaver slipped off her little shoe and put her little white foot on Harry's lap. He took some sausages from the breakfast platter, stuck them between Wenny's six delicate toes and started eating them lustily. Snape crept up behind Harry and started massaging his shoulders. Lucius and Narcissa were dancing around cackling on the lower floor. Draco snuggled up to Harry's side.
"Oh, Harry," Draco crooned in Harry's ear, "You like these little parties of ours, and the food, and the sex, and the clothes, and the designer cologne, and the sex, and the parties, and living in a castle full of house elves, and the feet, and the sex, don't you?" Luna sat at Harry's other side. She slipped off her sandals and stretched out her little white feet and toes. The sun glinted off of her ice blue toe nail polish. "Harry, remember that time I went to the Yule Ball with you?" Luna asked in a sticky sweet voice. "We need a favor, Harry. What did you do with the Elder Wand?" Snape chimed in with his musical, seductive voice. Wenny put her foot on Harry's bulge. He whimpered. "Yes, the Elder Wand," she crooned, "where is it, my little footman?"
"It's good and safe. No one will get it where I put it." Harry said, totally misunderstanding the question. "It's in Dumbledore's grave." Harry looked down at Wenny's foot with mashed sausages between her toes swirling all over his package. It stopped. He stuttered, "So nobody can get it and use it against you." They all let go of Harry and shuffled down the hall single file. Wenny grabbed the shovels and the spf 100 sunscreen from the utility cabinet. Snape left the house elves implicit directions to keep Harry chained up in the attic, but happy until they returned. They all took off like bats out of Hell to dig up Dumbledore's grave. In the meantime, Bellatrix slowly returned to the Whomping Willow pushing a wheelchair. It contained a grumpy, wrinkled old man in plaid pants with a waistband up to his nipples, and a sun visor and shades. The tree let her in because Snape had forgotten to do a spell to keep them out. A house elf followed Bellatrix dragging a cart full of boxes and bags. She waved her wand and levitated the whole mess, and the old man up to her bedroom. She went upstairs to unchain Ron and bring him back down on his leash. She fastened the chain to the corner of his bed. The old man bounced up and down in his chair and giggled like a little girl. Ron was pushed backwards onto Bellatrix's bed, stripped magically in a heart beat, and used like a wench. As Bellatrix bobbed up and down on Ron, the old man stood up, grew taller, plumped up, lost his wrinkles and became Lord Voldemort. Bellatrix dismounted Ron like a gymnast. "Thankyou Ron!"
"Thank YOU Bellatrix.!" Ron replied. Then, she flung Voldemort down on the bed. She seductively stripped off his old man clothing, and got on top of him. They grinned at each other. Bellatrix sat on top of him and heard the word, "Mellon!" The door flew opened. Harry leapt in along with Wenny, Snape, and the whole gang. Bellatrix looked mortified and disgusted.
Harry pointed the Elder Wand at Voldy and yelled, "I am the master of the Elder Wand and I'm here to put you DOWN like a bad animal! Step aside Bellatrix!" Harry lifted the wand to deliver Voldemort the death blow and the wand was jerked out of his hand. They all turned around as Lucius held the wand in front of them all tauntingly. Then, with a treacherous grin, he broke it over his knee. They all gasped in horror. "Good Work M'boy!" Voldemort yelled from inside the bed room. He was already turning into an old man again. Snape swore. He had just reburied Voldemort to avoid having a master, and now he was back to being Voldemort's slave. He crumpled up in a ball on the floor and cried like a baby. Lucius and Narcissa charged up and flung themselves on their knees to beg Voldemort to take them back. Bellatrix threw a pillow over his privates, and then grabbed her bathrobe. Voldemort pointed his wrinkly old man finger at Snape. He said, "You should be bowing to him. He's the new Dark Lord!" "What?" Snape's head snapped up. "I'm the new Dark Lord?" Wenny grinned and squealed and clapped. Bellatrix swatted Voldemort's head. "Don't tell them that, Tom! They didn't need to know! We could have ruled!" Bellatrix squealed indignantly.
"My ruling days are over." Voldemort told her. "And the dark magic I discovered is useless, except in Severus's hands." He looked around the room which was a sea of puzzled faces. Harry was licking the halves of the Elder Wand and trying to stick it back together. With that wand whole, he could have escaped. It never crossed Harry's mind that he could be killed for possession of the Elder Wand if the Elder Wand was whole. And these were the exact people to do it too.
So, Voldemort explained that he made one last horcrux before he was killed by the merciless Potter boy, and implanted said horcrux in the fangs of his giant snake Nagini. She planted the horcrux in Severus and he died temporarily. Snape's death delivered him from the curse James Potter had placed upon him, rendering him useless for sex. Then, Voldemort chose a very worthy pureblood girl to resurrect Snape and give him the happy life he deserved. In return, Voldemort only asked to be resurrected to live out the rest of his pathetic days out of the public eye with Bellatrix at his side.
Snape looked thoughtful and nodded. He whispered to harry, "How's that wand coming along, Potter?"
Harry whispered back, "Hopelessly broken, sir."
"Oi! How come we're all such horn dogs, all of a sudden," Draco asked. "Yeah!" Harry said. "How come? This definitely isn't normal!" Voldemort said, "Show them, Bellatrix." She gave Ron's naughty bits a rub. Voldemort's face un-wrinkled. She gave another rub. Voldemort got a bit taller. He said, "It's the sexual magick. It keeps me alive." Severus shook his head and rubbed his temples. "You mean, I went from being the world's biggest virgin to being the Emperor Caligula here so that you could get the energy to come back alive?" Bellatrix and Voldy nodded enthusiastically. "I can live with that." Snape said. Lucius gave a wimper because he realized all his dreams of ruling the world were up in smoke, once again. He also knew there would be no taking Snape down.
"Now, give us some privacy!" Bellatrix ordered. Everybody shuffled out the door. "By the way," Voldemort shouted at Lucius, "I Love You Severus!?!" That was supposed to be a giant SKULL, you nincompoop." Lucuis lowered his head and left blushing. He thought to himself that this was not so bad after all. Snape was his best friend. He really loved that shag the other night. They were out of Azkaban. Draco was alive, well and engaged to a pureblood. Somehow, they'd managed to keep the money intact, and the jewels, and they were living in a magickal replica of their castle, and Harry Potter was their willing slave. Lucius grabbed his wand and ran to the window. He pointed his wand at the sky, filled the sky with gray fuzzy skulls, and shouted "Woo-hoooooooooo!"