Ello! Back up with this story...YAY! No I haven't forgotten it. Although this time lapse seems to think so! Oh also, John Krasinski has a twitter account! Albeit, most of you fans probably already know. You should definitely check out the cool "From the future" Valentine's day Jam picture he posted. SO AWESOME~
Chapter 11: The Light Meets the Dark
My fingers were securely in knots as I sat down alone with the rest of the group. I am stone cold and stuck in the inability to speak. Look what I have done now. I've gone and opened my mouth, letting the acid just swirl around leaking like a faucet. My tongue is completely burned from the words I produced. I look down at my fingers shaking. I rest my head in my hands trying to escape the stupidity.
I'm in pain twenty-four hours a day Jim. I am broken. And completely in love with a man who deserves so much better than this. I squeeze my fists together lifting my head from the place I'd rather be. I watch everyone around me, then at the empty chair beside me. How could I have screwed this up so badly? I wipe a tear that was rushing to come down in the mist of the chaos. I feel my head swirling and my body start moving without my consent.
"Pam, are you okay?" I barely hear running towards the hallway and outside into the lowering sun. My air seems to be taken away from as I try to catch my breath as fast as I can. I grab onto the brick wall as I continue to cling to air. I fall to my knees letting tears running faster than I can feel them. My forehead makes contact with the dark bench beside me and I'm barely breathing now. The swirling is getting more complicated now, deeper into the sun that's now hiding behind the trees. Just before I feel my body giving up I feel hands grabbing my shoulders with such intensity that I almost tumble forwards against the bench. "Pam, breathe please." The voice is so far away I can't feel my body responding. I try to scream for it to move, but nothing's working. Suddenly I am breathing heavy squeezing so hard on the bench; my fingers are denting each crevice.
"I think she's dehydrated." I heard a woman's voice. Hearing her voice made me realize that Jim wasn't there. That I screwed up. Again. My body is trembling and my heart is taking swings against my chest. It's not supposed to be like this, my cruel mind reminds me. I let wandering hands pull me up and walking me back inside. Everything else melted away like a wet canvas that was being swallowed in a rainstorm.
I blinked a couple of times feeling myself wake into an eerie light. "Jim" was the first thing I coaxed out but no one responded. "Jim." I try again but was only met with silence. I can't believe this is happening again. I fully open my eyes and see myself lying in a small room. "Hey Pam. How ya feeling?" A sudden voice met me halfway as I was trying to sit up. "Whoa take it easy there. You had a bit of a doozy outside."
"I'm okay, a little tired." I mutter out between the brightness of the lights and the woman with dark brown hair suddenly coming into vision. "Yeah that's usually the aftermath of a panic attack." I look around. "I had a panic attack?" my voice a little hoarse. "Yes, you don't remember?" I shake my head. "I just remember feeling very sick." She nods. "You were a trooper. Thankfully, you waited until we came inside before you passed out." She gives an earnest chuckle. She elaborates those last words by handing me a cup of water. I drank it down quickly. I take a deep breath. "Where's Jim?" I ask slowly. "Who's Jim?" A slight stabbing pain in my stomach. "He's my…" Some many words I wish I could use right now. My rock, my shoulder, my best friend, my other half. All of those words sounded worthless when I've screwed up things already with him again. I can see her watching me waiting for an answer. "He came with me today." I end up saying. I didn't have the soul to say anything else. She shook her head. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere." She smiles supportively. I nod, not falling into the hoax that wrapped around the room. I sure wouldn't still be hanging around me right now. She walks out of the room for a moment as I take this moment to close my eyes again. My body feels so empty. Feels so useless. I look down at my boney fingers and curse myself. How did this become my life? All I wanted was some control. To finally be the Pam I've always wanted to be. I hold back my tears as I hear her walk into the room again. I look down at her hand and see a cookie in her hand. I stare at it. Carbs. I shake my head pushing it away. She hands the cookie to me wordlessly and walks back out. I stare down at the substance.
"I can do this." I whisper slowly bringing the cookie into my mouth. The first bite was so hard. I felt like my stomach couldn't make up its mind whether it wanted to throw it up or keep it down. I kept chewing thinking of Jim the whole time; praying that each chew would be his footsteps coming back to me. I feel the tears rolling down my cheek as I go in for another bite. I hold my stomach trying to stop the pain from intensifying. I put the cookie down and take a deep breathing I chew faster than before pushing the cookie down my throat. I drink the next cup of water waiting right next to me, trying to wash the taste out of my mouth.
I squeeze my fists together against my pants. I let my tongue roam my mouth taking the final swallow. I put my head in my hands and sob softly. I feel proud and hopeless at the same time. Where's Jim? My mind keeps muttering to itself. I need you Jim. I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I continue to let the tears run out getting tired of holding my head up with my weak arms. Just when the moment comes and I can't take anymore I feel arms around me. So tight and solid. Jim. I lean my head on his shoulder and whisper "Jim." His arms get tighter around my waist. "Shh. It's okay Pam. I'm right here." I sob into his shirt letting my body turn to mush.
"Are you okay? They said you had a panic attack." His voice corrupted with worry. I shake my head. I wasn't really sure what my answer seemed to be, but he seemed to take it. His arms just pull me against him harder. I hear a small sniffle. My heart shatters against the light when I realize that it's Jim crying. His head his against mine suddenly as I watch as I destroy each part of his beautiful smile, leaving panicky tears in the wake.
He leans back and wipes my tears away. "Pam, listen I'm so …." Before he can finish I break through his conscience. "No, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this." I start to sob again and I feel his fingers against my hair. "Hey, stop that. I'm here and I want to be here. I'm going to be here." A silent pause and I hear a soft whisper against my shoulder. "I deserve you. I want you." I lean into his chest and hear his heartbeat. It's so soothing against my ears. "And I swear I will never listen in on your therapy sessions again, I hate that I betrayed your trust." I look up and see tears in his eyes. This only makes more tears come into my eyes. Before I can answer he continues. "Whenever or if ever you want to tell me anything, I'll be here to listen." I lean my forehead against his chest for a moment. "I want to tell you things, but do you know how horrible it is to look at you while this is happening to me? Sitting in that dumb circle, letting my mistakes just roams around my head while you sit there and watch?" My voice starts to escalate. "Pam…" I cut him off desperately. "No!" He steps backwards shocked at the outburst. "I'm just so tired of this. I'm so tired of being afraid, of being here." Tears are raining down my cheeks. "I'm so tired of lying to myself." I raise my eyes to meet his. He stares back intensely. "I'm just so sorry that it had to happen this way. That you had to be here…while I'm like this." I look down again. "That I lost control trying to be in control." I close my eyes and think back. How I'd wish I would have just kissed him senseless, forgetting Roy, forgetting the whole world. Maybe, if I had just done that, we would be happy and together and I wouldn't be in this mess. But that was then and this is now. I find him staring at me again. I feel him move closer dragging his fingertips down my arms. "Pam." He whispers against my forehead before kissing it softly. I don't look up yet. I'm scared of what he could say, what he could do. I slowly start to shake feeling my stomach swirling around trying to climb up my throat. "Make it stop Jim please..." I cry desperately into his being. "Hey, I'm going to get you through this. We are going to get through this. You are going to be back to my Pam in no time." I sniff slowly. My Pam. It sounds so amazing in my head but in reality it couldn't feel so far away.
I shake my head. He holds me again. Something stops him this time though. "Did you eat this?" His eyes filled with hope as the cookie lies limp in his hand. I shake my head wondering if this feeling will ever go away. How long he is going to look hopeful and disappointed when I don't finish something on my plate. A grin spreads across his face. "And you didn't throw up?" I look up at him my eyes glazed over. "Not yet." He kisses my forehead about a dozen times. "I am so proud of you Beesly." His words making me tremble from head to toe. How can he be so proud of that? Two barely if they could be even called "bites." It's pathetic. I keep my head down looking at the floor. His hand drifts over mine and I hold my tongue from producing more tears.
Just as I feel myself getting over the fact that I didn't throw up, I feel my stomach take a turn for the worst. I jump off just barely catching my feet and rushing to the little trash can in the corner. I feel Jim rushing behind me. "Pam!" He calls out his hand finding my back. I let everything slide back up my throat which honestly makes me throw up even more. I pull back trembling all over my body. "Dammit!" I yell out kicking the trash can against the wall and smothering myself down to sobs. "Hey, hey everything's going to be okay Pam." I hear Jim's breath catch in his throat and that only makes me sob harder. I don't even think he believes that anymore.
It was quiet on the way home and even though Jim's hand held strongly against mine in my lap. I just knew that something was ticking in his brain. That maybe this was too hard. Maybe he made a mistake not leaving me at the hospital to stay with Karen. He should leave. He should go back with Karen. My mind chants against me. Even though I love him so much and I don't want him to go. I can't do this to him anymore. "I deserve you. I want you." I tears soak my eye lids as I look over at him to only find him looking at me. He doesn't deserve me. He deserves better. He smiles sweetly lifting my hand up to kiss it. The sweeter he is the more my heart breaks and the more I internally beg myself to stop doing this to him. I lean my head against the cold glass suddenly feeling claustrophobic. I feel my knuckles straining against my tight hold on the arm rest underneath the door handle. I don't realize the tears are flowing freely until I feel Jim's hand on my cheek. I look over at him watching as he turns into my apartment complex slowly putting it in park.
He turns off the car and unbuckles his seatbelt briefly letting his hand leave my cheek to do so. He turns back to me while I sit still as if my muscles are on strike. I look straight ahead at the narrow building feeling his hand on my cheek again. I turn towards him again only slightly this time. He brings his other hand up to my other cheek forcing me to look him in the eyes. Just when I feel like he is going to say something I suddenly feel his lips against mine. It was so gentle, so soft and ended so quick I wouldn't have even known it was a kiss if my breathing hadn't stopped for the moment. His lips felt just like I remembered. He pulls back and looks me in the eyes. I feel my heart beating ten times it's normally capacity. I close my eyes again falling against his forehead. He holds my head gently for a few more moments.
"Let's go inside okay?" He whispers against my ear. I nod not having the urge to move. Before I know what's happening he's outside my door helping me inside. He grabs my keys from his pocket, not even remembering when he unlocked the door. He walks me over to the couch getting up to briefly close the front door. I watch as he goes inside my small kitchen and grabs my teal teapot and places it on the stove. I watch him fill it up with water his hands so strong holding something so fragile. I close my eyes finding myself dreaming of a moment that I wished I had told Jim how I felt; how badly each day made me crumble further into my, at the time "solid plan." I inhale feeling my ribcage pressing harshly against my chest. My hands start to shake again in my lap. I put them between my legs to control them. I feel the taste in my mouth as if it were the first time and scrunch my eyebrows together. Ugh. The bitterness of my stomach and the bareness of the cookie left dripping on the side of my mouth like a faucet. I close my eyes and stand moving towards the bathroom.
I walk inside shivering from the cold air and move towards the sink. I look ahead and find my reflection eagerly waiting for me. Look what you've become. How's that plan working out for ya? My mind was constantly bringing me down, torturing me. I turn on the faucet looking away from my harsh reflection. I flick some water on my face glancing back up at myself again. I grab the toothbrush and clean my mouth, washing all of the filth away. I feel tears again taunting the back of eyes. I press my fingers at the edge of my head as if I were making a wish. I watch a tear slip from my eye and I reach up slowly to wipe it away. Suddenly I feel like I'm in a daunting painting that was left behind in the Dark Ages where people would come to gawk at my indefinable jagged qualities then leave me to rust in the rain.
"Pam?" His voice shakes the rhythm of my heartbeat. I look over and see his concerned face watching me. "Hi." I reply. "Hi" his voice softly grazing my cheeks. He pulls me into a side hug and kisses my temple. I sip my warm tea, letting it fill my inside holding me together. After a bit of silence I let out a small yawn. "Come on." He whispers and I let him drag me to my bedroom. I feel my body collapse before I even get to the bed. "Hey do you want to get dressed first?" His hushed words colliding with my pillow the same time my head does. "I'll be okay." He nods and I fall on my back making contact with his eyes. He leans down and takes off my shoes and socks. His hand feels so warm against my feet. He tucks me in and leans down and kisses my cheek. I suddenly reach up and give him a small kiss on the lips. He smiles and pushes some hair away from my face. "Goodnight." I close my eyes at his soothing voice. He stands up to leave my room and I panic. He turns towards me at the sound of his name. "Stay with me." He looks conflicted and I feel myself panic again. "Please." He nods and moves towards the other side of the bed.
He sees my tears and immediately wraps me up in his arms. "It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I'm here always." He chants softly into my suddenly ringing ears. I lie down against his chest feeling so numb that I couldn't wait for him to exhale so I could breathe in some of his life.
I just realized that I didn't title my last chapter. I feel so ashamed! I hope you guys liked it. Merry Christmas to all! I asked Santa for reviews this year! Please don't be afraid to let that happen!
-Jamfan2000-