A/N Sorry about the delay. This chapter took longer to get out than usual, I blame life and injury. Hopefully back on track now. To make up for it, this is the longest chapter yet. Thank you for your patience, and to everyone who reviewed, followed and favorited. Enjoy.

Chapter 12

Jane pulled on Jo's leash to stop her from walking around the corner. She knew Maura wasn't going to run out on her but she still felt better staying where she could see the Doctor's car. In part, her plan was working. She had leveled the playing field between them, but now Jane felt exposed. She did a quick mental catalogue of everything stored on the Kindle, scared of what her friend might think. Nothing to be ashamed of that she could remember. She felt relief that she had decided against the Lesbian Guide to Sex, in favor of a collection of erotica stories. Her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed. That's better? After a moment, she decided that it was better. Maura would see the erotica has healthy sexual expression, where no matter how healthy she might see the guide book, Jane didn't want her to think she needed instructions for sex.

After Jo Friday decided she needed to mark every tree twice to make up for not being permitted to circle the whole block, she finally allowed herself to be led back up to the apartment. Once inside, the little dog pranced over to her basket and Jane stalled by heading into the kitchen. Deciding to leave Maura the rest of the wine, Jane grabbed a beer before sitting down, body turned so it faced her friend. Maura was staring at the main menu and the list of collections Jane had created. When the Detective had settled on the couch, Maura looked up at her.

"Have you read all of these?"

Jane nodded. "Well, actually, I haven't finished Safe Embrace and I kind of skimmed The Effects of Salt Water Temperatures and Determination of Time of Death."

Jane knew Maura would have looked over all the titles, including the ones in the non-fiction folder which included several of the Doctor's published papers. The way Maura narrowed her eyes at her, Jane felt like a slide under a microscope. She reached back and squeezed the back of her neck.

Head tilted to the side, Maura looked at her friend curiously. "Jane, why do have these papers?"

The Detective dropped her hand on her leg. "Because you wrote them. Like that salt water one, you came bouncing into to station that morning all excited. You said you got the idea from the Bugler case we worked together, so I found it on line and put it on the Kindle to read. Was the least I could do."

What Jane didn't say was that she had been proud of her friend, and that her papers were written in the similar style to how she talked when she would pontificate, matter of fact and confident. Jane had found it comforting and endearing to read it. Unlike the novels, where she only heard Maura's voice in place of the character that most captured her, Jane could hear Maura in every fact and footnote in the technical papers.

Maura smiled, accepting the answer and when Jane didn't continue she moved on. "I have to say I am surprised and impressed at the variety of your literature choices. I am only sad that I didn't know because I would love to discuss several of them with you. It seems you have read many of my favorites."

Jane blushed, not willing just yet to admit that she had read them because they were Maura's favorites. Whenever her friend would mention a book that was significant to her, the Detective would write it down to look into later. She hadn't read everything the blonde mentioned, especially since some were in French, but close to it. Instead she smiled shyly. "I'd like that sometime."

Satisfied for now, the Doctor set down the Kindle and watched Jane take a swig off her beer. "I noticed that you began to buy the books on sexuality when you were still with Casey. Why then?"

"That relationship kind of forced my hand, I guess." Jane began picking at the corner of the label with her thumbnail. "It's not like it never occurred to me before, I was just comfortable, I guess. So when things were supposed to be falling in place, I was able to see that they just didn't fit, you know?"

She looked up at her friend, searching her face for understanding. Jane didn't know if she wanted Maura to press her or not. They were both still unsure enough to continue to dance around the edges of what was going on, each hoping they knew where this would all lead, but afraid to be the one to say it out loud. Maura sidestepped the obvious follow-up questions but didn't change the subject.

"You have books on coming out. Have you? Come out to anyone else, that is?"

Maura would have missed the nod of Jane's head if she hadn't been looking right at her. "Oh." The word itself was soft but the hurt in her tone was deafening. Jane immediately put her beer down and reached forward to squeeze her friend's knee.

"Hey, no. It's not like that." Running her hands through her wild mane, Jane searched for the words to explain. "Frost. He's the only one and I just told him yesterday." Seriously? Was that only yesterday? It seemed like a week ago now. Seeing her friend fighting back her tears, Jane's explanation came out in a rush. "Of course I wanted to tell you first, it's always you. I thought you knew. I thought that's what you were pissed about last night, that I didn't tell you sooner or something. I thought when you saw what I was reading-" She stopped to catch her breath and get back on track. She continued at a calmer speed. "I told Frost because I needed someone to talk to after our fight. He set me straight." She stopped and chuckled. "OK, not straight really. But he made me reevaluate what I thought we were fighting about."

A look of horror crossed Maura's face and her hand came up to cover her mouth. "He knows about the books?" she asked through her fingers.

Jane's hands shot up in a stopping motion. "No. No, no, no. I didn't know when we were talking, and even if I did, I wouldn't have told him. I figured it out after I got home."

Maura's hand dropped to her chest and she fought to regain control of her breathing. Jane handed her the wineglass then replaced it on the table when Maura had finished it. Calmer, but still flushed, Maura smiled weakly at her friend.

Jane returned the smile then began fidgeting in her seat. "Maur, I know I said I'd answer all of your questions, but do you mind if I ask you one before we go on?"

Her posture being her shield, Maura straightened up before answering. "What?"

"Why did you start writing the romance novels in the first place?"

"Though in the past academia has been highly critical of the genre, recent study and critique has-"

"I didn't ask you to justify it. I know you can see that it isn't my normal fare, but I do read it. I bought three in a row." Jane gave a lop-sided grin. "I asked why you started writing it."

Maura took a second to regroup. "It started as an experiment in understanding and working out my psychological needs and trying to understand social mores better. I was feeling a bit-" She pursed her lips together as she searched for the right word. "-lost, at the time. It seemed like a safe way to explore love and intimacy. It allowed me to take control over certain desires and to better learn social cues. It's easier when I already know the feelings and intentions of both parties. With out the worry of misinterpretation-"

"You mean guessing?" Jane's teased lightly.

The permanent flush on Maura's neck since the beginning of the conversation moved up to cover her cheeks. "Yes. I find it easier to write interpersonal interactions where there is no chance in misinterpretation."

"And you can control the outcome." Jane looked at her hands, pushing at her scars.

Maura followed Jane's eyes and resisted the urge to take Jane's hands and massage them for her. "Does that bother you?" she said it so softly that Jane almost didn't hear it.

"It depends." If Jane had looked up when she replied, she would have seen the tears begin to gather in the Doctor's eyes and the slight quiver to her lower lip.

At Maura's silence, Jane asked the question she hated herself for needing to know the answer to, but her insecurities and jealousy needed to be soothed. "Do you still write straight romance novels?"

"Still?" The Doctor's voice squeaked in surprise.

They both looked up into each other's eyes at the same moment. Maura studied Jane's face. Her eyebrows were drawn together, her eyes were wide, and her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth. The Doctor could see the obvious fear that she was sure she was reflecting back. Never before has she hated her inability to guess as much as in this moment. Was fear of rejection or desire she saw? Deciding to focus on the question, Maura took a deep breath before answering.

"No. I've only written the lesbian romances since I moved back to Boston."

Jane reached over and closed her hands over Maura's. "Why?" Her voice pleading.

Maura looked away to the kitchen, but made no move to remove her hands. "Because those particular thought experiments no longer captured my attention. The subject matter-"

"-Ian."

Maura spun her head around to see the dark cloud that had overtaken her friend's features. She cleared her throat and brought one hand up to play with her pendant, leaving the other closed between Jane's.

"Yes. I found that my imagination had run it's course when it came to any fantasy meeting or future when it came to he and I."

Jane looked back at both of her hands holding on to Maura's one. "But when he was here-" her throat seemed to close against any further verbalization.

"We had a past, and things had been left unresolved. But when he came back again-"

Jane's head whipped up. "He came back again?"

Maura dropped her hand so they were a tangle of fingers again. "Yes. Last year. I told him that we could still email but that he could no longer expect anything else; in any capacity."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Other than the fact that you might have arrested him?"

Jane opened her mouth to disagree, but found she had nothing to say so she just shrugged her shoulder.

Maura smiled softly, then bit her lip in indecision before continuing. "You would have wanted to know why I ended our arrangement. And you wouldn't have accepted half-truths. You've always been a bit of a bulldog when it comes to Ian."

Jane hesitated before deciding to ease into the answer. "What half-truths would you have told me?"

"That I had changed. That I was unwilling to live like I was in a holding pattern for him. And that any help I gave him for his work could come between you and I, and that was not something I was willing to risk."

Jane gave Maura's fingers a squeeze. "And the rest?"

Maura stared at their hands, where Jane's thumbs were now slowly tracing light circles.

"That my feelings for him had changed. He was an important part of my past but not my present or future. That I was-" she paused. "That I am emotionally involved and attached to someone else. Even if she doesn't know it."

When their eyes met, both had begun to overflow with the burden of containing so much emotion for so long. Jane freed her hands and placed them on Maura's cheeks, her thumbs softly stroking over damp skin. Maura's hands slipped around Jane neck, fingers playing with the hairs at her nape. Eyes flicked between each other and lips. Like their entire relationship, their progress was slow but always towards each other. Finally, softly, their lips met.