A thousand apologies for my tardiness. This chapter is very heavy on the interpersonal relationship development and I was not happy with a portion of it for a very long time. Eventually it came to the point where I was nitpicking and listening to way too much Alice in Chains (and the chapter title comes from a Red Hot Chili Peppers song? Heaven help us all...). Meet me on the other end of the chapter? I have a present for your patience!
Chapter 12: Breaking the Girl
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Training for the impending battle had been tiring. It wasn't everyday that one encountered the vampire royalty, though, and the situation definitely called for it. Jasper – again, ever the voice of tactical reason – had insisted that the Volturi fought in a very different style than newborns. And they were far more 'gifted' with people like Jasper, Edward, or Alice.
So once again, that meant night hours spent in open fields learning how to fight a new enemy. Jezzie came along a few times because she would be in battle and because both she and Jake felt like she needed to know what she was up against. Jake wanted her to know all the facts before she decided to help them out. Jezzie might've just been crazy.
She made a valiant effort; she remained awake the whole time and most sessions did not end until the sky began to lighten. She did fall asleep against Embry's shoulder that one time he'd agreed to give her a piggyback back to the main road and her Jeep. For the most part, however, she'd volunteered to babysit Nessie. Bella and Edward had done some parental voodoo and informed Nessie in some G rated way about what was happening. Embry had no idea how you made a Volturi visit fit for the child victim's consumption, but whatever.
Jezzie did a good job playing with and distracting the young girl. However, she slept at a rate that paled to human requirements and therefore Jezzie slept very little even when not in a cold, wet field full of wolves and vampires.
Patrols had been upped since training began and even though Jezzie protested there was a near constant presence at her house, mostly at night. Her complaints were less about privacy and more about her insisting that they needn't bother because no one was coming after her.
Embry didn't even have to say anything when Jacob insisted that the Pack protected their own, including Jezzie. After that, she insisted that they could at least come inside and sit or eat or do whatever instead of sitting in her yard in the dark and cold; besides, she told them, they couldn't be phased on her property because it was on the wrong side of the treaty line. Jacob thought she was too smart for her own good but had given her that. Seth had slept on her couch for a few nights, Brady had spent a few reading through her bookshelves, and Jared had almost gone stir crazy for her lack of cable TV until she showed him where she kept the season DVDs of Seinfeld.
Jezzie had offered her house as a place to crash, but she hadn't been prepared for the constant presence. She didn't mind it so much… it was nice not being alone all the time. Though it was odd not knowing who would be in your kitchen when you woke up in the morning. The only time her home was really empty was when she was in class or at work, and during the training hours. It was just her and Nessie, then.
Wednesday night – after training – Edward had gone to the Sullivan's to pick up Nessie at the tender hour of 4AM. Wednesday night – after training – Embry had gone to the Sullivan's to take his patrol at the tender hour of 4AM.
With Edward.
It was an awkward car ride.
When Edward pulled into Jezzie's driveway he began to laugh quietly. "What?" Embry asked, too tired to even care that Edward's telepathy made him seem really maladjusted.
"I believe Jezzie is overtired and overcaffeinated. My daughter, however, seems to love her. Who else would agree to a dance party at 4AM?"
Embry only shook his head, pushing the car door open the moment it slowed to a reasonable pace – the smell was unbearable in such close quarters. The two men – opposites in every respect – climbed Jezzie's front steps and could hear Nessie's High School Musical soundtrack pulsing through the speakers and the walls and sighed in a mutual acceptance of whatever girl-thing that was about to hit them that they wouldn't understand.
Then Edward knocked.
"Dude," Embry yawned. "Just open the door. It's fine."
The music continued and before Embry could open the screen door himself, Jezzie flung the wood door open, wide eyed (definitely overcaffeinated) with a Nessie still wiggling to the music in her arms. "Papa!" Nessie squealed. Jezzie noted that neither made a move to cross the threshold.
"I thought all that vampire mythology was false?" Jezzie asked. She peered around the doorframe and saw Embry leaning against her siding with his eyes closed. She shook her head.
She swung the door open wide and both Embry and Edward remained where they were. Not because of ancient vampire myths, but because of the music still pumping through her living room. "You can come in, you know. I mean, we're all in this together," Jezzie trilled (definitely overtired).
She relinquished Nessie to the floor and the girl proceeded to scurry towards her father. "Too much?" she replied upon seeing their mutually blank faces. "Okay, okay."
Jezzie rolled her eyes but went back to the CD player. She stopped the music and put Nessie's soundtrack back inside its case. "Here you go, Ness," she offered it to the girl who had now clambered up into her father's arms.
"Thank you, Jezzie," she grinned. "Will I see you soon?"
Jezzie shrugged. "I don't see why not."
Edward thanked Jezzie and made his way back to the car. Jezzie reached down and took Embry's hand, pulling him from his doze against the side of her house and inside. Her energy level had plummeted after Edward and Nessie had left her property and she'd closed the door. She began picking up the few things remaining out of place in her living room. She tried to craft her face into a normal expression.
She hadn't seen or spoken with Embry much since the day he exploded in her Jeep and kissed her. He hadn't said anything after the fact – never mentioned it – so Jezzie wasn't sure if he wanted her to forget it or not. She tried, but the more hours and days that passed, she realized she couldn't forget it. Even if she wanted to forget it (and a part of her didn't) she couldn't stop thinking about it. It was a while before she was able to dig through the layers of surprise that pervaded the memory to realize that she'd liked it. A lot. That was why she couldn't forget about it: not because she was surprised, but because she liked it.
She didn't know what to make of his reaction to the event, even if she'd finally sorted through her own feelings. She'd called Liz a few days after and told her all about it – mostly skimming over the reason why the conversation even happened in the first place. Liz had listened attentively, and only at the end offered a simple, Jezzie, that means you like him. Jezzie knew when she would tell Veronica about it tomorrow during their study date, the girl would shriek for a while before coming to the same conclusion.
Jezzie had decided she wouldn't overanalyze. She would just do what came natural.
When she picked her coffee cup off the table Embry spoke. "How much of that have you had today?"
"Since this morning?" Jezzie glanced to the bottom of the mug and shrugged. "Yesterday morning, now… somewhere between five and seven?"
"Cups? That's insane."
"No, I ran out of sugar and creamer half way through and still kept going: that's insane."
Embry's nose wrinkled. "Gross."
Jezzie returned from the kitchen with a covered yawn and then bent down to take Embry's hand. "C'mon you," she insisted. "You can't sleep on this couch, it'll kill your back."
"Nah," he hummed.
"Why is it that all of you refuse a bed? Seth does the same thing."
"Because a bed means sleep, and I at least need to try and pretend to be awake. This is technically a patrol; it's my job. I just can't phase unless there's trouble."
"Come on. You're upsetting my guestroom," Jezzie insisted. "If there's trouble I'm pretty sure you'd still be able to wake up in plenty of time. There's no use in running yourself into the ground. Then you definitely won't be any good on a patrol. C'mon. I need sleep too."
It didn't take much more persuading – besides a pouty face and an elongated pleeease – for Jezzie to pull Embry along to the first floor guestroom. She stumbled and flopped onto the mattress with an oof! when Embry unexpectedly took her down with him. "My nose," she groused with a crinkle.
"Is it better if I stay?" Jezzie asked, reading into the intention Embry had yet to speak while she rolled over in his one-armed embrace so she could see him. His tendency for contact with her had taken on a different flavor in light of their recent time together. Far from minding, Jezzie felt more comfortable now that Embry had inadvertently spilled his guts to her.
He nodded halfway to sleep, not really feeling his mouth or brain make the words anymore. "It's easier for me if you're close by, Jez," he replied while pulling her a little closer by her hips. "I can hear you, see you, smell you. I wouldn't know what to do if anything happened to you on my watch. I care too much about you."
"Embry?" Jezzie hedged. She had hit her third wind from all that coffee a few minutes before he and Edward had arrived and had a slightly greater grip on her bearings than Embry did. She thought he maybe wasn't quite aware of what he was saying. He only hummed in reply. "Could I ask you a question?"
"Jus' did…"
She rolled her eyes. "Can I ask you two questions?"
"Shoot."
"Would it be all right if I wasn't your friend anymore?"
Embry didn't respond at first, he only peered one eye open halfway to see Jezzie's face. "What're you saying, Jez?"
Jezzie expelled a small huff of air. He was going to make her be an adult about this and say things out loud. She sat up, partially disentangling herself from his grip, but ending with a leg stretched over his lap. "I care too much about you too, Embry. I care too much to be just your friend."
Embry's face split with visible relief, before he sat up and began to tickle Jezzie mercilessly. "You just scared the crap out of me, Little Red," he muttered into the pillow by her neck as she collapsed in laughter.
She smiled, "So it's all right, then?"
"It's more than all right," he replied, now fully awake. He kissed her gently right at her pulse point. This is why he loved her, why he loved being so close to her. She was so very much alive.
"Do you still want to spend the night alone on my couch, now?" Jezzie chided, she smiled and relished the feeling of warmth that Embry sent through her when his lips touched her skin. More than just temperature, she felt the rush in her chest.
"Not as long you don't plan on seducing me," he muttered, not moving his face from the bend where her shoulder met her neck.
"You're lucky. I usually sleep in my underwear."
"Don't tell me those kinds of things, Jez," he smiled, pulling her closer.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Jezzie vaguely discerned the dim Pacific light filtering its way into her room. Wait… the bed was in the wrong spot. This wasn't her room. She felt the brief snap of cold air as her ambient heat source moved so far away from her. She was tired and all she could do was utter a quiet whine and curl into the warm spot left behind.
"Go back to sleep," she heard a quiet voice as warm lips brushed her shoulder. She obeyed without thinking and drifted back into the wonderful abyss of sleep.
When she awoke the second time, Jezzie was none too pleased with the unceremonious sunshine blazing through the open window for all it was worth. This was Forks; it wasn't supposed to be sunny. At least not when she didn't want it to be.
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and performed a full body stretch – relishing the crack in her spine and sighing as she felt the muscle strain from last night's exhaustion continue to pulse through her system.
The price of a human fighting in a supernatural war, she assumed. Otherwise she felt good. Today would be a good day, then.
When she rolled over she saw one of her bright green post its – normally reserved for important appointments – stuck to the pillow next to her head. She plucked it up and held it within reading distance.
You + Me + Dinner
7PM?
Jezzie smiled. Normally she'd get all narrow-eyed and stubborn about having someone telling her where to be and when, but there was a question mark and this sounded like a nice surprise so Jezzie didn't mind. She reached for her phone and checked the time. 12:07PM. Definitely time to get up. She sat up, texted Embry a smiley face knowing he wouldn't get it until later and stood, ready to begin the day.
Veronica was due to come by at 1PM so they could both study for an exam, so Jezzie decided to be lazy and only wear sweatpants. She was glad she woke up when she did. She had just enough time to eat breakfast, wash up, and gather up her books to dump on her couch when she heard Veronica knock.
"C'mon in!" Jezzie hollered and the door clicked open immediately.
"Hi, Jezzie," Veronica called as Jezzie made for the kitchen. She could hear the unceremonious thud as Veronica dropped all her notes next to Jezzie's. "I'm so glad we're studying for this together because chapter four is completely lost on me."
"Same," Jezzie replied. "Except I don't get chapter seven, so maybe we're in luck if our knowledge is going to coincide. Do you want something to eat or drink?" Jezzie peeked around the corner. "I just got up and ate breakfast, but would you like something?"
Veronica paused for a moment when Jezzie peered out of the kitchen. She looked momentarily suprised, but spoke. "I could do with something to drink. Lemonade?" When Jezzie brought out two glasses of lemonade and placed them down, she noticed Veronica's watching her.
"What?" Jezzie asked. Why was she staring at her like that?
"I ought to ask you the same thing," Veronica took a sip before placing the glass down on her textbook. "What's going on?"
"What do you mean?" Jezzie replied. She was so confused. "We're studying?"
"No," Veronica shook her head. "It's something else. You're all glowy and happy. And you're smiling a lot."
"What's wrong with smiling?" Jezzie glanced down into her lemonade to hide her further grin.
Veronica quirked a brow. "Dish, woman."
"I think I'm going on a date," Jezzie said slowly as she traced her finger against the rim of her glass.
"Really?" Veronica intoned, her voice dropping down low. "With who?"
Veronica knew exactly who, but she wanted to hear Jezzie say it. Jezzie was aware of that. "With Embry, you goon!"
Veronica's face split into a grin worthy to rival the Cheshire cat. "I knew it. It was only a matter of time. That boy is in love with you. I can't believe Quil didn't tell me, though!"
Jezzie only rolled her eyes. "Because I'm the one that pushed him to it. He moves a little slower than Quil. I told him I wanted more than friends last night. This morning I had a note translated into math."
"Oh my god," Veronica grinned, shoving her pile of notes aside to get closer. "We're not getting any homework done. I want details."
Jezzie spent the next forty-five minutes relaying to Veronica the evening's events. Or at least those that she could reveal. She glossed over the training and babysitting induced exhaustion and chalked it up to a difficult night at work for both. Veronica had offered her sympathies and agreed that working fulltime was a handful. You have no idea, Jezzie thought.
She explained that Embry had come over to see her. She explained his "care too much" comment. She explained how at the end of the night, when she'd invited him to stay, she'd finally asked him to be more than just a friend.
Veronica sustained a full two minutes of girly squealing. "Did anything else happen?" Veronica asked suggestively.
"No," Jezzie shook her head. "Honestly, I was so exhausted and so was he – that's why I invited him to stay – that we both just passed out. You expected us to sleep together twenty minutes after we became an item? Classy…"
"Oh please," Veronica replied with a flick of her wrist. "Labels are so passé, besides it's not like you don't know him. You two have been beating around this bush for as long as you've known each other."
"I always get dinner before I let a guy into my pants," she noted sarcastically. "Plus I'm still worried he's a little young."
Veronica rolled her eyes. "So do you think I'm a total cougar for dating Quil? Age is just a number, baby. Besides, Embry doesn't look like most seventeen year old boys. And he certainly doesn't act it."
"Well, you're younger than me too. So Quil being seventeen and your being twenty still feels different than me being twenty-one and Embry being sixteen. Even though it really means nothing."
"Exactly," Veronica nodded sagely. "Like, if you guys end up together in the long term, what's five years going to be when you're in your thirties of forties? Nada. Besides, the age of consent in Washington is sixteen."
Jezzie glanced at her friend sideways but still grinned. "I'm not bedding him yet, Veronica. But thanks. I'm glad I talked to you about this."
Veronica grinned. "Don't be so sure about that. Him and Quil are best friends, right? Well, if they're anything alike he'll have you convinced soon enough. And he won't even need to say anything."
Veronica and Jezzie did eventually get around to studying for a few hours and managed to hack through a majority of the material. A quick conference call to a fellow student that Veronica knew to confirm information they'd both missed out on concluded the affair. Jezzie was now much more hopeful about her grade for this exam.
At six o'clock though, Jezzie realized she needed to start getting ready for a dinner where she was clueless about the dresscode. Her and Veronica stood before her closet for a few minutes, pondering its contents.
"Did he mention anything at all?" Veronica asked.
"No – you saw the note – just dinner, and at any rate," Jezzie replied, "something 'nice' for Embry entails a pair of shoes and socks."
"Touché," Veronica nodded; she knew, having spent much time with Quil, that the Pack boys were rarely dressed to impress. "Okay," she reached into the closet, pulling out a simple black dress. "How about a basic LBD? Bring a scarf and it'll work either way."
Jezzie pulled a wide off-white linen shawl off a hanger and draped it over the black dress. "Perfect," Veronica nodded.
"But what about shoes?" Jezzie asked.
Veronica pursed her lips in thought. "Wait 'til he gets here," she decided. "She what he's wearing and then gauge from there."
"Good call," Jezzie nodded.
Jezzie was walking barefeoot around the house, getting ready when Embry finally arrived.
He was wearing socks and shoes. At the same time. Jezzie was thus far assured she hadn't overdressed. There was a pair of legitimate pants and a button up shirt, too.
The boots it was, then, Jezzie decided. "Be right back," she held up a finger as she padded up the stairs. She opened her closet at pulled out her pair of blue velvet ankle boots. She slipped them on, picked up her wallet and wrapped the scarf around her shoulders before skedaddling back down stairs.
"Is this okay?" Jezzie asked with a small twirl as she rejoined Embry in the foyer.
Embry smiled, he reached down to hold her chin in one hand as he kissed her forehead. She appreciated his not ruining her sparse makeup. The heat from his skin bled over hers like ink dropped into water – she felt it run across her cheeks, down her neck and shoulders. She wondered how she didn't realize sooner how much Embry's temperature soothed her cold-tortured nerves.
"Perfect," he told her. He lingered for a moment and Jezzie grinned, trying to glance upwards. "You smell fantastic," Embry told her before he moved.
"You clean up pretty well yourself," she nodded. "I think this is the third time I've seen you wear shoes, a shirt, and socks at the same time. Did Jared dress you?"
"What makes you ask that?"
"He wears v-neck t-shirts," Jezzie said like that explained it all. "That suggests he – or Kim – actually thinks about what he buys, even though he's probably going to turn it into confetti eventually. An underlying sense of fashion."
"Wow," Embry said without moving. "That is creepy, Jez. But no, I dressed myself. And these are all my own clothes too."
"Wow," she said.
"Don't sound so surprised."
"Are we sure its okay to leave?" Jezzie asked. "I mean what if something happens?"
"Alice says the Volturi haven't left yet," Embry replied. "And she can only see all of us gathered in a clearing in the rain. The forecast is clear for the next two days. Apart from patrol, tonight's our night off." That was good enough for Jezzie.
Embry offered Jezzie his arm. She quirked a brow at the sight. He rolled his eyes. "I was raised by a woman, Jez. I'm not a totally uncultured Neanderthal."
Jezzie sighed and took her turn to roll her eyes. As if she'd suggested that. It just seemed very formal to her. She looped her arm through his and locked the door behind her before leaving.
The ride was about an hour and Jezzie immediately recognized that they were headed towards Port Angeles. The two talked the whole way about everything and nothing, though thankfully nothing battle-related. Jezzie'd had enough of training for a few days. Mostly it was about the books they'd made each other read. They were starting to consider swapping music too.
Embry pulled into a parking garage and took the automatically dispensed ticket. Jezzie undid her belt preemptively. When Embry finally put the vehicle in park Jezzie turned to him and moved closer, twining her fingers into his. "Ready to have some fun?"
Embry leant down and kissed her along the jawline briefly before pulling away. So he was carefully avoiding the makeup. Bless him. Jezzie pulled her clutch out of the console and flipped the visor down to make sure she looked presentable when her own door was opened and Embry extended his hand.
A girl could get used to this.
The walk to the restaurant was brief and it wasn't terribly cold. And not a drop of rain. Jezzie was thankful for the boots' sake. When Embry suddenly stopped and looked up, Jezzie knew they'd arrived. She grinned looking at the small place tucked between two other businesses. It looked eclectic and low key. Jezzie was glad; she'd always appreciated casual dining. When Embry took a step forward she tugged back. "Wait."
When he turned to look at her she freed her arm and skipped forward. She pulled the large wood and glass door open and waved Embry in. "Just to keep us on an even footing," she explained following him inside. "I'm all for masculine chivalry, but I'm no damsel in distress."
"Fine by me," Embry nodded before looking to the maitre'd. "Reservation for Sullivan."
"Right this way."
Jezzie spoke once they were seated. "I didn't realize we were under one name now. Does that mean I have to hypothetically divorce Seth?"
"First off, you should try ordering food or making reservations with the last name 'Call'. It doesn't usually work out. Number two, yes, please hypothetically divorce Seth. I call dibs."
Jezzie was dozed off against Embry's shoulder well before they'd come back within Forks town line. Embry pulled into Jezzie's driveway and killed the engine. The girl merely curled up against the opposite door. Embry opened her door carefully, unbuckled her, and scooped her up. She was starting to rouse when Embry opened her front door. He was actually very surprised that Jezzie let him pick her up in the first place. Embry knew Jezzie cared about him, she made that very obvious but she also didn't like other people doing things for her. She didn't like being made to feel dependent and that was one of the things Embry loved about her – she kept them all from being overbearing cavemen sometimes. But he kind of appreciated her giving him a small freebie and letting him carry her. It was nice and it let the wolf know that Jezzie trusted them.
She rubbed her eyes when Embry put her down on her couch. He sat next to her and carefully removed a blue suede boot from Jezzie's small foot. He had no idea how she got around in those. They looked like an accident waiting to happen.
"They're not even that high," she remarked, twisting an ankle around. "There's a one inch platform and that makes it deceiving," she told him as she stretched her legs out into his lap and laid her head against the far arm rest.
"Well god bless your little feet for being such contortionists," Embry replied bending down to kiss her ankle. Embry had started kissing Jezzie a lot. She wasn't opposed, but it was such a new dynamic and it took her by surprise every time he did it. She'd always liked good surprises.
His lips moved higher and she could feel his hand warm and steady against her calf muscle. She just enjoyed the moment – the heat dulling some of the remains of the tension her back had yet to shake. It wasn't bad. Today had been a three. When Embry's hand followed his mouth higher and up to her thigh and the hem of her already short dress, her eyes popped open. That was a new sensation.
She wasn't stupid, she knew Embry was turning her on. If she'd been honest with herself she could've admitted that he'd been able to do that for a while. Jezzie had forgotten what it felt like to have a sexual response in such a way to another person, and she never remembered it being so vibrant and strong. Carla had been near painful in her prodding of Jezzie to 'go have some fun' after she ditched her last relationship in sophomore year. It hadn't been serious - mostly fun. But Jezzie had been busy with other things. Until now. She felt the life hum deep in her abdomen and between her legs.
Embry carefully avoided the major zones of no return and moved to Jezzie's lips. He didn't care much for messing up her makeup now. The night was over and she'd be seeing few people now. However, whatever Jezzie had put on she had mostly wiped off in her post dinner trip to the restroom. Embry was glad for that. He thought make up tasted kinda gross. Jezzie was much better all by herself.
"You have the most wonderful set of legs I have ever seen," Embry told her as he worked his way up her neck. He couldn't be bothered to move his hand from her thigh. It was quite at home there.
Jezzie smiled and wiggled further towards Embry. "I'm a runner. It happens." She turned her head and intercepted Embry's mouth with her own. Warm and a little rough, Jezzie adored the contrast. She wound one arm around Embry's neck and the other pressed against his abdomen. She bit lightly at his lip and his mouth acquiesced to her own. Jezzie's tongue escaped her mouth of its own accord and met Embry's in a rather hasty collision. She smiled, letting him take the lead.
And just like that, he stopped. Jezzie blinked in confusion. Where a moment ago Embry had been nearly flush to her, as she enjoyed being pressed between couch and him, he was gone. He was now anchored and hovering a good six inches above from her at all points. His mouth was gone from hers; the absence of his hand against her leg let the cold rush against her skin.
"Embry?" she glanced up. Why were they stopping? It was just getting so good.
"I'm sorry, Jez," he glanced down between them and she couldn't see his face until she reached down to pull his chin up. His face was guarded and wary.
"Are you okay? What just happened?"
She didn't know if she'd pushed him out of his comfort zone of if it was something else.
"I have this problem," Embry began cagily, not meeting her eyes, but went back to staring between them, somewhere in the vicinity of her abdomen. "And it's hard for me to be around you sometimes."
She was actually getting the opposite impression from Embry recently. She thought he quite liked to be around her.
"The thing about being Pack, is that I don't just change into a wolf." Jezzie didn't know how they went from making out to talking about Pack but she just listened and tried to follow. "There's this whole other thing inside of me. Just like when I phase, but Embry's still in my head and I'm still me on the inside. When I'm human, there's still a wolf inside."
Jezzie had never really heard Embry - or any of the Pack for that matter - talk about phasing like that. It was always just a very basic 'we're shapeshifters, we're made to protect' sort of attitude. She now realized they had been glossing over some major intricacies.
"And the wolf likes you, Jezzie. A lot. But wolves don't show affection like people do. And it's trying show that affection the only way it knows how." He mirrored the sentiment physically, lowering himself closer to her once again. His mouth bowing to the skin at her neck as he continued to speak
Jezzie's jaw dropped open at the realization of what Embry was trying to tell her. Embry did like being around her. He liked being around her a lot. His wolf liked her even more. She'd seen enough Discovery Channel and Animal Planet specials to know that animals were not patient in the pursuit of their loved ones... With their mates.
"When I'm around you, Jez," he continued, a hand moving to her hip again as she felt him nibble her ear lobe, "all I want to do is be near you. To hold your hand. Anything. But when I get too close the wolf gets too happy, too excited and it starts to take over. It would never hurt you, Jez. But when it can smell how turned on you are, it takes over and I don't want to be anywhere near you when I'm not the one in control of my brain."
Jezzie's throat constricted as she realized what Embry was telling her. His mouth trailed the line of her tensed muscles, willing them to loosen. Despite what he was telling her, he never wanted her to be nervous around him. Embry had checked and double checked and triple checked with the Pack. This was unprecedented. None of the other women in a wolf's life did this. However – as Leah pointed out – almost all the other women were family, Packmates or imprints. Or various combinations of the above.
Jezzie was not Pack, she was not imprinted or related to anyone. She wasn't even Quileute. Just as Jacob developed a sort of intrinsic soul tie to all the imprints - loved them all as family - so did the rest of the Pack. They loved and protected family and the imprints because that's what they were supposed to do. With Jezzie, they protected her because they liked her. It wasn't a base instinct, it was a conscious human choice.
Wolves, as a rule, were animals without the option of free will. They ran on instinct. So Embry's wolf - introduced to a girl Embry's human felt bent to protect and trust because he liked her - protected her because it assumed it fit one of the categories for instinctual, mandatory protection. Family, Pack or Mate.
The wolf knew she wasn't Imprint and knew she wasn't Family. That left only one option. And if Jezzie was Mate, Embry's wolf didn't know what his human was waiting for. When it realized Embry was not fulfilling the necessary requirements for species propagation it got antsy. To the point now where Embry didn't want to touch Jezzie, for fear the wolf would like it just a little too much and what if it wanted to go farther than either Embry or Jezzie were comfortable with?
Embry was careful enough around Jezzie just for obvious reasons: she was human. Instead of simply making sure to keep his strength in check, he had a whole other being in his head to keep away from Jezzie. A whole part of him that he wouldn't allow to see her.
"He's grown really attached to you, Jez. And sometimes it's too much. Sometimes I can't keep it in the back of my head." He said it slowly, but quietly, and he didn't meet her eyes. He focused only on working his way to where the fabric of her dress met the skin of her chest, and she felt the flush rush up from deep in her belly.
Jezzie very much suspected that Embry felt embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. Jezzie opened her mouth to speak and had to clear her throat; she was trying to reconcile warring factions of practicality (this was important discussion), and hormones (because she was really turned on). "What does it want?" she had the sneaking suspicion she knew the answer but wanted confirmation.
"You."
"Me," her suspicions were correct.
"All of you."
She didn't know how to respond to that. Embry's wolf wanted to bang Jezzie. Like yesterday. This wasn't exactly how she expected to broach this topic. Now it was her turn to glance downwards, making her feelings obvious.
"Do you want me to move?" Embry asked, picking up on her tension and pausing - though thankfully not pulling away from her this time.
"No," she insisted, reaching up to fist some of the fabric of his shirt in her hand. He grinned at her adamant refusal and moved to prop himself up on his forearms, slightly further down her body – now level with her chest. Jezzie didn't want him to leave; she'd keep him pressed against her - warm and all-encompassing - until she died if she could. She just wanted to know what the heck was going on.
"So, what do we have to do about that?" she continued. "Because I don't know how I feel about you and I sleeping together right now."
"No," Embry stuttered, cutting her off. "No, we don't have to now. I mean we can - if you want - but I don't want my control issues to be the reason for it."
"Would it help, though?" Jezzie asked. She wasn't considering sleeping with Embry just to calm his wolf, but she also needed to know what she was dealing with. He nodded slowly in affirmation. "I'm not saying I don't want to sleep with you, Emb. But this new information changes things a bit… The possessive thing, I won't have any of it."
Now Jezzie didn't know how she'd ever make an unbiased choice about having sex with Embry. She'd always be second-guessing herself, wondering if she was doing it because she wanted it or because she wanted to help him out. And she really didn't want their relationship turning him into a possessive psychopath. Great. But she really needed to stop thinking about sleeping with the guy or she'd wake up in the morning trying to convince herself it had seemed like a good idea at the time. One date? She wasn't a prude, but she'd always been able to get through at least one date before sleeping with a guy. But at the rate Embry's tongue and teeth were doing things - and only against her bared neck and part of her chest – that resonated with the pleasure center of her brain and her body in a magnificent way.
"I don't think it'd be quite like that, but I agree," Embry nodded. She blinked and mentally shook herself. What were they talking about again? "I like you Jezzie. I like you a lot. But I'm not about do anything stupid with you either. I just wanted you to know that it's not all me, you know? I don't want to you think I'm being a jackass – it's just the animal instinct to… keep going."
"Okay..." Jezzie nodded slowly.
"The wolf likes you Jezzie it's not going to attack you like an enemy," Embry confirmed with a mumble as the hand at her hip found its way back to her thigh again. "It just gets overexcited. Don't be afraid to put me—it… us… in it's place. No hurt feelings or anything. I want to know if somenthing's freaking you out. It won't be able to disobey you, you outrank me."
"I outrank you?" Jezzie asked skeptically.
"You worked your way into Pack recently," Embry admitted begrudgingly, and Jezzie could feel some of his weight press into her as he sighed, his thumb dancing a pattern at the edge of her extremely hiked up hemline. She only barely registered what he said next. "You're only the second human to do it, after Rach. That makes you Beta Human. I'm a Third. It's complicated, but yes, you outrank me - in terms of you and me. Because we're together. You won't outrank anyone else unless more humans come into the Pack."
Jezzie was quiet for a few moments as Embry's lips traced a path towards the hollow of her throat. He couldn't just dump all this on her and keep going. Now she was all distracted and turned on, and didn't know what to focus on. She had the feeling she could get this from Embry anytime; but that whole having sex with a werewolf thing was hard to forget about, too.
"You said I'd know when it happens – this thing with your wolf – but... How?" her query was cut off with a small breathy gasp as she felt his teeth come out to play against her fair skin. She inhaled quickly and wiggled enough to free her legs to bend at the knees on either side of Embry's waist. She tried to maintain some train of thought. "How am I supposed to separate hormonal teenager from mating wolf? Because you're freezing up like that was weird."
"Is there a difference?" Embry asked, pausing long enough to glance up at Jezzie's face. "I want you to stop me anytime you're uncomfortable, regardless of who you think is running my head."
Jezzie rolled her eyes. Seeing him glance up at her from her cleavage with an arched brow and a smirk was doing nothing for her focus. "I was plenty comfortable, sir. It was you that ran off. How am I supposed to know when it's you," she poked her index finger to his forehead, "in there, or the wolf?"
"Do you want... like... a demonstration?" Embry asked awkwardly.
"If it's not too much trouble," Jezzie replied as her skin flushed. She kinda needed to be able to figure this out.
Embry laughed once moving until his face was level with hers. "Jez, I never mind. As long as you're okay with it?"
She nodded quickly. Embry tipped her face up gently. He smiled. "I love that color on you," he said, brushing his thumb along Jezzie's cheekbones where her blush flooded. He leaned down and kissed along the trail of his thumb until he reached her ear as his body settle comfortably in the space between Jezzie's knees. "Especially when I put it there."
Jezzie sucked in a short breath and her heart tripped over a single beat. Then she could feel a small rumble of laughter in Embry's chest.
He leaned back slightly, so his one free arm no longer supported his weight. Embry's other hand gently grasped around Jezzie's neck. Sliding closer, Jezzie's mouth met Embry's and her hands wound themselves around his neck. He started off slow, moving carefully and methodically over Jezzie's waiting lips. Embry loved Jezzie's mouth. All of her was soft and sweet-smelling, but he was thus far certain her mouth was the sweetest.
She pushed him further, tucking her chin in and pulling at his lips, urging his mouth open. She hummed in happiness and Embry worked his mouth lower. He kissed down her jaw and her ear lobe; he lavished her pulse point. Nothing felt better than her heart beating strong and healthy under her skin. Her small noises were going to undo him before he even started.
He felt her cool hands push his shirt aside and move over his stomach, long and nimble fingers tracing along the contours of his abdomen. She wiggled impossibly closer and Embry could feel her hips pressed against him as her skirt moved dangerously higher.
Jezzie purred in happiness as Embry kissed down her neck. She felt the intermittent presence of his tongue as he worked his way lower. The hand at her thigh held firm and his right hand covered her exposed back, a few fingers glancing beneath the top of the dress.
She wound one hand into his short, thick hair as his mouth began kissing and sucking below her collarbone. It was more rushed than it had been as he spoke. His movement had been slow, lazy, and careful as he'd explained things to her. Now, however, it was clear his mind was back on a single track. Jezzie liked this track. She tried not to shove her chest into his face. But it was so good, and warm, and made her whole body vibrate at a slow hum. Jezzie could feel the tingles in the tips of her fingers, her stomach and between her legs.
There was the barest hint of teeth against her skin and Jezzie uttered a small, uncontrolled and very suggestive mewling noise pulling tightly against Embry's hair in her hands. Her legs instinctively grew tighter in their spot around Embry's torso. She could've sworn the heat ratcheted up ten degrees instantaneously.
Then she felt Embry's grip on her thigh tighten to firmness. The hand on her back curled and she could feel his nails against her skin. He tugged at her leg, pulling her fully underneath him, as he arched over her and Embry was all she could see. Above, below, and on all sides – it felt like a human cage. The hand at her thigh was holding too tight and the hand at her back stung as it curled deeper. Jezzie gasped in surprise and could feel Embry's breathing become quicker and shallower against her skin before he bit down just a little too roughly.
"Ow," she gasped at the spike of pain. She felt a brief note of panic. Was this it? Was this that change that Embry insisted she'd be able to notice? Regardless, his ironclad grip was now painful and she didn't like it.
"Embry?" she said, pulling her hands out of his hair. When his grip on her thigh tightened, she put her hands on his shoulders. "Embry. Stop," she said.
He responded well to her gesture as he snapped back and off her like she'd shoved him. She noticed immediately that he did look different. It was in the eyes. They were darker than usual – black – or maybe just vacant looking. Like an animal. Jezzie sat up from her spot and stared down Embry's wolf, refusing to blink. She said no, and she'd meant it.
"Embry?" she asked without blinking and he only cocked his head to the side – a distinctly canine action.
"Embry's busy. We don't think he's doing a very good job."
Jezzie swallowed. Holy crap, who the heck was she talking to? "Embry's my friend and he's doing a very good job of that. I would like to talk to him, please." When Jezzie got nothing but a stare back she spoke more firmly. "I want to talk Embry. Now."
"We always give the mate what she wants. She smells very good, but Embry doesn't do a very good job; we are very effective hunters and the mate would never be hungry... But we sense that we're scaring her."
"Just a little bit," she nodded.
"This is not our intent." And Jezzie glanced down as she felt Embry's hand wrap carefully around hers, warm yet yielding.
Jezzie wasn't sure if this felt more bizarre or life threatening, but the wolf didn't do anything that felt threatening – it just wanted to bring her dead animals. That was a good sign from cats and dogs, though, right? It proved they could provide. Or something like that. Before Jezzie could speak again, Embry broke the line of their stare, blinking a few times. It looked a lot like he was waking up from a nap, and she knew he was back.
He didn't say anything, but his eyes immediately darted down to her chest. She followed his gaze and saw that he was staring right where he'd bit her. It was a slightly red spot about the size of a half dollar and she could make out obvious teeth marks. It wasn't bleeding and it didn't hurt particularly much. Jezzie thought it looked a bit worse than it probably was as her fair skin was prone to overreacting.
She looked back up in time to see Embry swallow. "I hurt you."
"Don't start that self-deprecating nonsense," Jezzie insisted firmly. "There's no blood. I wasn't expecting it. That's why I had you stop."
Embry moved closer to Jezzie - very slowly. His thumb glanced over the mark, barely touching her skin. "This is what it wants, Jez. It wants to mark you."
"Embry, I just had a conversation with your other half," she diverted his attention to what she felt was a far more serious matter.
"It actually spoke to you?" Embry's eyes shot up to hers.
Jezzie nodded. "Did you hear that?"
"I hear everything it says. I didn't realize it was out loud this time."
"That was really weird and if you bring me any dead animals, I'm gonna be really upset."
"You're not upset now?" Embry asked tentatively.
Jezzie thought about it and shrugged. "It was really bizarre talking to the wolf that lives inside you, but… I dunno. I guess it kinda makes me feel better now. I mean, I've met it. And pretty much it's just like you said. It doesn't like the way you're going about things, but it doesn't want to scare me. And it thinks I smell good."
"Yes," Embry nodded with a small grin. "It very much enjoys your scent."
"I think it's just confused. Maybe you should explain me to the wolf."
"Yeah," Embry sighed as dragged a hand through his hair. "I've been working on that. Well, you never cease to amaze, Jez. I figured your meeting my wolf like that after I told you it wanted in your pants would freak even the most unshakable."
"It's a part of you, Embry. I never thought you had some evil Jekyll and Hyde thing going on. It doesn't scare me, I just don't understand it."
"You see why I'm wary around you, now?"
"Yes," she nodded. "But I really don't want you treating me like tissue paper. If you live in constant fear of being around me, that's not good either."
"Okay."
Jezzie smiled – crawling carefully into Embry's lap – and pulled him gently into a hug that he fully reciprocated. "I don't want to be completely insensitive to this issue, but can we put the beast in the cage and go back to the fun part, now?"
"Yes, ma'am!"
Friday, January 5, 2007
"Are you effing kidding me?"
Collin's breakfast of Cocoa Puffs was officially ruined.
"Watch your language, mister, and no I'm not kidding you." His mother had been… uneasy… as of late. Learning that her youngest son had been being beaten around by his much older brother – and that her youngest son had been lying about it, insisting that it was from rough housing with friends – had left her confused. She was sad, angry, embarrassed and ashamed. And she didn't know where to direct half of those emotions. And as angry and sad as she wanted to be at Collin for lying to her, she knew it would accomplish nothing – so she withdrew.
Collin noticed. He tried to tread lightly over the past week. He made an especial effort to spend non-school and non-Pack time at home. Jake had offered to give him a reprieve from patrolling for awhile until his family started to settle back down but Collin refused. He was the lowest ranked wolf and that was okay. However, he didn't want to be the weakest link; there was a battle coming anytime in the near future, he wasn't going to let the Pack be down a patrolling wolf. He swapped some of his patrols with the third-shifters and patrolled at night, went to school during the day and hung out at home during the afternoon. He had also tried doing his homework on those afternoons, but not ever sleeping was quickly starting to eat away at his sanity.
Collin was stretched to the limits with what he was already dealing with, and now this? "Mom, I don't need therapy. I'm not crazy."
"Collin," his Mom sat down at the table. She sank heavily into the chair. "No one thinks you're crazy. But it's for your own good. Honey, you've been through a lot – a lot and on your own. I've messed it up until this point obviously, but I want to make sure you're all right."
Her hand reached up and rested against his cheek. Since when did her thirteen-year-old son have beard stubble? When had this happened? All of it. She assumed his growth spurt last spring had been natural. Extreme and shocking, but he'd been small for his age until then… Then he'd clammed up. He didn't talk like he used to and he began spending more time with friends.
Mary Littlesea had always assumed it was a part of growing up. She knew her first son had not followed the typical path to adulthood and a very large part of her had always regretted not stepping in when she could. Letting Tommy live his own life and experience things for himself had lead him down a brutal and dangerous path. But Collin had always been the careful one. He always said 'please' and 'thank you', he held doors and could never fake a decent lie because the guilt showed on his face. He was a good kid.
So when he started spending more time with his best friend – and some older boys on the reservation – Mary worried. She knew he was lying to her, however she also knew he wasn't drinking or doing drugs. Mary was now a pro at recognizing those signs. There weren't any upswings in reservation crime or vandalism, either. She didn't know what was going on, but she had the sneaking suspicion it wasn't what most people thought. Because Collin was in a strange way, but it certainly wasn't the same way his brother had gone. Mary – of all people – would have known.
However, whenever she pushed the issue, Collin panicked and he receded further back into himself. The more she let it lie, the more comfortable Collin became in his own home again. And the last thing Mary wanted to do was to drive her teenage son off. So, she kept a diligent eye, searched his room when he was out regularly, and kept herself open and always willing to talk. She rarely put her foot down about anything.
But this was one of those things she was sticking too. Help was offered. And as much as she resented watching federal employees from the FBI, the BIA, as well as state and local officials swarm through her small reservation and especially her home – questioning her like she was both blind and stupid – as much as she resented all that, their were resources that she was hard-pressed to refuse. She wasn't about to deny her soon help on principle of pride.
The Indian Child Welfare Act provided counseling through the Division of Human Services. And Mary wasn't stupid. Collin wasn't going to talk to her, but he needed to talk to someone. Because the kind of tectonic shift that had radiated through their family warranted talking. And Mary wondered if this was what had caused Collin to pull back – why he spent more time out of the house and with older boys – boys that Mary knew would intimidate her oldest son.
The idea that her son felt better protected by local reservation boys than in his own home made her both sick and grateful. And in an attempt to simply make anything better, she wanted Collin to try counseling.
"Please?" she asked. Because as much as she was going to make him do this, she knew what kind of reactions pushing generally brought her.
Collin sulked. Collin was a champion sulker; if it was an Olympic sport, he would've won gold. "Fine, Mom. Just one, though. One time."
"Okay," she nodded. For now, she would take what she could get. "Conditions though?"
Oh god, Collin thought. He knew his Mom would start digging deeper once the whole kettle with him and Tommy blew, but he didn't know how far she'd go. He knew she thought his behavior was weird. But he hoped she'd chalk it all up to that – because there were only so many half-assed lies he could throw up around phasing and the Pack. He'd actually been lucky so far. His Mom had mostly let him be (because Jared's Mom asked so. Many. Questions.)
"What?" he asked warily.
"Collin, you know I'm going to be keeping a better eye on you, now. But stuff like this… Collin, you can't keep stuff like this from your father and I. You're thirteen and it's not healthy. This is something no one, let alone a thirteen year old boy – yes," she indicated with a rustle of his hair, "as much as you've grown you are still a boy – should have to deal with. I understand that you're getting older, Collin, and you're not going to tell me every detail of your life and day like you did in third grade. That's okay. But, please, promise me you won't close me out anymore. Not about the important things. I let you be – I didn't want to risk losing you – but I'd rather have you unhappy with me and safe, than at risk. Okay?"
"I can do that," Collin nodded.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Jezzie regretted having to call the Pack and tell them she had to cancel. She was going to La Push to play a reservation-wide game of capture the flag. It had been the first reprieve anyone had had from training in a week and a half. But her back was achy. Certainly not to the point that made her immobile – mostly just uncomfortable. But it was cool outside and she knew the cool, moist atmosphere of the Pacific Northwest wouldn't do her any good. Especially if she was running around in it for several hours.
Embry had sighed into the phone, long and dramatic. "Are you sure, Jez? Seth might cry."
"I wish I could believe you're kidding, but I can't. I'm sure Seth will be okay and you will all be plenty fine playing without me."
"You're just going to sit at home alone?" Embry asked.
"Yeah," she shrugged. "I guess so. Maybe order some Thai. I've been feeling some good Asian food, lately."
She hadn't expected Embry to show up even before the delivery guy did. She swung the door open and couldn't help but smile. "Unless you're hiding any phat thai or drunken noodles, I'm going to be disappointed in you, Embry."
"Nope," he grinned.
He didn't have time to respond further as a small girl pulled up into her driveway. Jezzie gleefully exchanged the twenty-dollar bill for the bag of delicious food.
Jezzie nodded her head, indicating Embry to follow her, as she made for the kitchen. Embry thought it was odd that Jezzie – who reacted adversely to the cold – had answered the door with bare feet and shorts on. But once he closed her front door, he had to rethink that. "Jezzie, it has to be at least 85 degrees in here. Are you insane."
"Better safe than sorry!" she trilled from the kitchen. "Want some? You just can't eat it all."
"Sure," Embry agreed as he joined her. "What'd you call this? Drunken noodles?"
"That's the phat thai. Pad thai? It's pretty must just rice noodles, eggs and fish sauce. Try it before you grimace at it. Sheesh, you're finicky. Those," she pointed to the other Styrofoam container, "are drunken noodles. And the chili and basil will certainly clear your sinuses."
When they had settled into Jezzie's couch and she'd coaxed her laptop back from sleep and turned Fight Club on, she spoke. "So," she asked after swallowing a mouthful of noodle. "What makes you give up on a gigantic game of capture the flag to come to a house that's too warm for you and eat half way decent thai food with a girl that won't leave her house?"
Embry was trying not to choke. Shit, she was right. This noodle stuff was incinerating his tastebuds. "And leave you alone here to rot? How lame is that, Jez?"
She picked at her food for a moment and Embry observed the top of her head. "Embry, does your wolf know I'm sick?"
"Like right now?" He asked, wondering where the sudden change in subject and demeanor came from. She'd gone from her normally cheerful self, to rather quiet.
"In general," she picked a bean sprout out from her plate and munched on it.
"Yeah, he does," Embry replied. "It's kind of hard for me to keep things from him. There's just a lot he chooses not to deal with because, well, he doesn't care. Like grades or doing laundry. But you know how he feels about you, Jez. So, yeah, he knows."
She nodded carefully.
"I can smell your meds – it's usually barely discernible under the smell of coffee," he nudged her slightly and could tell even from this angle that her cheek quirked in a grin. "And on the bad days I can smell your pain."
"So, does it realize I'm defective?"
That made Embry pause. They were getting closer to the real issue, he could tell. "It realizes you're sick and wants to protect you a little extra when it can smell your pain spike. You're not defective, Jez."
She leaned forward and put her plate on the coffee table, when she leaned back she turned herself so she was facing Embry. She didn't look up though.
"Jez, do you want to tell me what this is about? For real?" Embry placed his plate beside Jezzie's on the coffee table.
She took a deep breath and nodded. "I like you. You like me. Your wolf likes me. Your wolf knows I'm sick."
"Affirmative," Embry nodded. He leaned back, trying to remain casual. He wanted to know what was on Jezzie's mind. It was obviously bugging the crap out of her and she was starting to worry him.
"Well," she fidgeted with the sleeves of her sweatshirt. Embry was trying really hard not to just tell her to fess up. Jezzie never got nervous like this. She was always straightforward and spoke easily, even about issues that bothered her. Hell, she'd agreed to fight a vampire war without batting an eye, and then had told him that his inner wolf was just misunderstood – what the hell could be making her this nervous.
Wait… "It's not getting any worse, is it? Are you getting sicker?"
"Oh god, no!" Jezzie's gaze snapped up to meet Embry's immediately and shook her head vehemently. "No, it's not that. I've been feeling a lot better actually. These new meds I've been on these past few months have done wonders. Flares move in peaks in valleys, this is just my last flare tapering off. Okay, I just need to spit it out because you're jumping to worst case scenarios…"
"Please," Embry agreed.
"I'm worried that now that we've… moved forward – that we've agreed to be more than friends – that something is going to click and your wolf is going to realize I'm sick that I'm not a good mate and he'll go and…"
Shit… He knew exactly what she was going to say.
"…imprint," she finished. He'd tried to brace himself, but it didn't help. It still hit him in the gut like a suckerpunch. Jezzie was wary of being with him because she feared an imprint. He'd tried so hard to help her understand the way imprinting could potentially work. Hell, she knew Paul and Rachel, Jake and Ness, and Quil and Claire… He didn't want Jezzie corrupted by the tribe's understanding of imprinting as a holy and romantic eternal bond that tore lives apart. It didn't have to be that way. Unfortunately, Jezzie and Embry had found themselves in a situation where an imprint would have been… awkward, at best.
"I know what happened to Leah," she whispered next.
Embry tried to find an emotion to settle on. It was hard. He'd never told Jezzie about Leah. Partly because it was helluva personal story and the only reason he knew was because he shared a head with both Sam and Leah all the friggin' time. It wasn't his story to tell. He also hadn't mentioned it because he really didn't need that fiasco to be Jezzie's mental archetype for imprinting. Then again, having that role relegated to any pair that wasn't Paul and Rachel wasn't much of a better option.
"Sam was the first to phase, Jez. Shit between him and Emily and Leah… it's complicated for more than just imprint reasons. Three more imprints later and we're getting a better handle on how it works. Sam and Jared are the only ones with romantic imprints…"
"Because of biology, right? You said imprinting was a biological thing. To find a mate or like geese… But Embry, don't you see? I'm not a good mate. It would be natural for your wolf to look for a healthy mate if it noticed I was sick. Survival of the fittest and all that. Like all of Darwin's finches? Why mate with the finch who can't fly?"
Oh, holy god, how was he going to deal with this? Jezzie was terrified and not unjustifiably. But an undercurrent of terror ran through Embry's system knowing that if he didn't get this right he could lose her.
"Because we're not finches, Jez. And I'm a guy, too. Not totally wolf. I don't know how a wild wolf would react to a female that was sick. Yeah, he probably wouldn't pick her for a mate. But I didn't decide I liked you for exceptional genetic qualities. That's the thing about being human. I get to decide based on things like what we have in common and how much I like your freckles. Animals don't do that."
"But it's more than just you in there, Embry," she tapped him on the forehead lightly. "There's a wolf too. And he's driven by pure biology and instinct."
"But I'm the one in control here, Jez," Embry shook his head. "And it's not like I'm fighting anything off. The wolf likes you a lot, I think we covered that. So, it's not exactly looking for another mate."
Jezzie's hands balled into fists and he couldn't tell if she was mad, sad, or frustrated. His nose told him it might be a reaction to a small spike of pain. "But if it realizes I'm sick and I'm never getting any better it could change its mind," she mumbled through clenched teeth. Embry looked up at her face and saw her jaw locked. Her eyes were closed together tightly like she was willing it all away. "I can't take it anymore. Having you around makes it so much better and so much worse because now I'm so worried! And I've taken so many hot showers in the past three days. My skin feels like it's so tight it might rip completely off. I can't take it!"
Embry jumped a bit when she screeched the last bit. Jezzie was always so calm and collected – he'd never seen her snap. And never about her MS. And never about imprinting. But Embry was pretty sure he was being introduced to Jezzie's breaking point. His wolf was not pleased. His normally happy mate was vulnerable and weak. The wolf didn't like to see its mate weak.
"I want out," she yelled. "I don't want this body, I don't want this spine, I don't want this brain!" She reached up and tugged emphatically at the hair near her forehead as she buried her eyes in her palms, leaning over her lap.
"I don't want a brain that is slowly killing itself and growing these goddamn lesions," her breathing was erratic and Embry could hear her heart beat moving in much the same way. "I don't want a brain that's going to poison me and turn you against me." Then he smelled a change in her body chemistry and…
"Jezzie?" He was too afraid to touch her, so he only leaned in closer and under her partial veil of hair. Zhis nose had been right: she was crying. The tears were rolling down her face in earnest. Not like the time she'd seen Anna phase and she panicked. Not like the time she'd heard the rumors at school, was taken by surprise and was just stunned with hurt.
Jezzie was sobbing. Large uncontrolled breaths rocked through her diaphragm and made her back rise and fall at odd intervals. It was the kind of crying that rocked her whole body as the breaths pushed themselves from her lungs. She gasped for air through her mouth and growled out in anger. She was mad and sad and frustrated all at the same time and Embry was so out of his depth…
She released her face and looked Embry in the eye. The wolf was now fully alert. It stood and paced, anxious about its mate's own mental state. Embry forced the wolf back; now was not the time. It could sit and watch, but this was human-only time. She was a sight to behold. Embry had never seen her look so angry. He had never seen her so… enraged. Her eyes were hard and he knew what people meant when they said 'if looks could kill'. He was kinda afraid she'd hit him. "I hate this," she ground out, the tears still pouring down her cheeks as a muscle in her jaw twitched. "I hate it. I don't want this body anymore. I want a do over."
Embry was so fucking lost. He took a deep breath and started with the basics. "Jez, hon? I need to know what not to do. I need to know what's going to upset you?" Could he touch her? Did she even want him to talk? Was she just going to use him as a sounding board? He didn't really mind; he just wanted to make sure he didn't royally screw it up or make her even more upset.
"Unless you feed me some crap line about how God never giving us more than we can handle or how we all have struggles in life to overcome, I'm not going to get more upset," she hiccupped roughly. "Don't placate me. Don't pity me."
A moment's silence passed and then she uttered a much quieter and petulant, "Ow…" she reached down carefully and rubbed her hand over her knee. She didn't know if she preferred the pins and needles or the numbness. They sucked in equal parts.
"I'm gonna pick you up, is that okay?" Embry asked. Jezzie nodded. Not even really caring if he intended to throw her out the window or hang her upside down in her closet. With more grace than she really thought even he possessed he slid his arms around her, picking her up like a small child.
"How about a bed, Jez? At least for the night? That couch is not good for anyone's back."
He nudged the guest room door open and placed Jezzie carefully on the bed – she didn't even feel the landing. She didn't feel much like lying down. That's all she did when she had a flare – to the point where she'd get vertigo just from sitting up. She wanted to keep her horizons where they were supposed to be.
Embry headed back out the door and Jezzie could hear him down the hall in the bathroom. She pushed the few pillows out of the way and leaned her head against the bedpost, looping her arm around it. She didn't want to lie down, but she was so damn tired.
Jezzie let her eyes stay closed and she heard Embry return. She heard the dragging sound of the desk chair come closer to her and it sounded like Embry had dropped it right across from her as he sat down.
She couldn't feel much, but she definitely felt his warm hand wrap around her ankle. She gasped at the contact. It was the first bit of sensory information her lower half had processed all day. Besides the feeling that she was going to shed her skin, it was so dry and tight. Her eyes flew open in time to see her small foot resting in Embry's lap. His eyes were wide and his hands were in the air in a position of surrender.
Jezzie shook her head. "It's fine. It's just… your body temperature is the first thing I've felt in days."
She kept her eyes open but continued to lean against the bedpost. Jezzie watched as Embry dispensed a glob of Aveeno skin moisturizer from the bottle that had previously lived on the vanity in the bathroom into his hand. He leaned back in the chair, propping his feet against the bed's frame and let Jezzie's numb leg lay against on his own. He spread the moisturizer between his two hands briefly before taking Jezzie's ankle in his hand.
Jezzie watched in shock.
He rubbed carefully, starting at her ankle and pushing his thumbs firmly into the flesh on each side. He massaged along her Achilles tendon before palming all the way up her calf. He used the whole width of his hand to knead the muscle under Jezzie's fair skin. He let her heel rest on his thigh as he worked his thumbs into the space on each side of her leg where her muscle met bone.
Jezzie sighed in contentment, letting her body relax more than it had in days. She felt herself slowly melting into the bedpost as the heat from Embry's hands slowly sank into her skin, her muscles, her bones… She could feel the temperature as it traveled but the pressure only barely registered – but she knew it was working because the ministrations to her leg muscles were already relaxing those in her lower back. Whatever it was he was doing, he was doing a damn good job.
He was careful around her knee, and worked the area around the cap, using his fingers to rub out the tension in the back. He pressed his whole hand – fingers and palm – into the flesh of the back of her thigh, feeling the intermittent pressure and tension that seemed to be characteristic of her numb muscles. When he reached the hem of her shorts, he leaned back again and took her tiny foot in his hand. Never in his life did he expect to be holding anyone's foot in his hand. And he'd never imagined a person could have such a small foot. He wanted to ask her what size shoe she wore – that wasn't an inappropriate question like age or weight, right? – but now didn't really seem like the time for talking.
Jezzie's eyes had drifted closed again and her face had relaxed. No longer harsh and jagged, crowded by the cloud of her own anger, the hatred of her own body for turning on her. So hopefully she was enjoying it?
He pressed the pads of his thumbs into the arch of her foot, drawing a long line from heel to the ball of her foot several times. He pulled on each of her toes, stretching them from the point of tension. He smiled slightly, enjoying the bright aquamarine of her toenails. He rubbed his hand – slow and warm over the top of her foot before carefully letting it return to its dangling position.
He moved to the edge of the chair so he was closer to Jezzie and carefully slid his hands under the hem of her sweatshirt. He hoped she didn't misinterpret his action. He wasn't exactly coming on to her. When she made no move to hit him or push back, he let his hands rest on her lower back. He knew that's where it all came from. The sense that made her feel like her legs were numb. The little lesions on her spinal column making her muscles spasm in small intervals, causing pain to radiate down her legs over time. He'd never told her but he could feel them happening – those spikes of pain. It was so minute no human would have been able to tell. But he knew.
He let the warmth from his own skin soak into Jezzie's. She hated the cold. It sunk into her skin and bones with such ease and made it all the worse for her. He hated what the MS did to her. More than usual. He'd always hated that his Jez struggled with it – that she obviously tried to ward it off in her own ways. Going so far as to sustain half body road rash to keep it at bay, he had learned. But now it was affecting her even more. She was mad at it, at her body for making her sick and crippling her. And he was so angry. The fact that anything could convince Jezzie that she might not have been good enough – in one of the most unconventional ways possible – made him want to put a hole in the wall.
Jezzie wrapped her hand around his shoulders. She tugged herself towards him and moved even closer. Their knees met but they were still three feet apart. Jezzie let her small cool hand reach up and around Embry's neck. She pulled him close until their foreheads met.
"Thank you," she said without opening her eyes.
Embry swallowed. He hadn't been expecting that one. "Well," he said quietly with a small smile. "It's the least you can say. No self-respecting man ever looks twice at moisturizer."
A small grin played at the corner of Jezzie's mouth. She opened her eyes and met his gaze. She looked exhausted, but a lot less distraught. "It's a lot more than that."
"We're gonna figure this out, Jezzie. I'm not going anywhere."
"Leah!"
Oh joy.
Leah wasn't surprised that Embry was close to breaking down her front door. But that didn't mean she appreciated it. "What do you want, Embry?" she avoided virginal nicknames this time. If only because she was pretty sure she knew why he was here.
It wasn't her fault he'd never clued Jezzie into why she was a near-constant bitch. She was surprised Jezzie never asked. Actually, no she wasn't. Jezzie never asked those kinds of questions. That girl was the queen of letting it be. Maybe Leah would make her a thematic mix CD for actually being nice enough let Leah be who she was.
Leah was still a little mad at Embry for never giving Jezzie the whole truth about imprinting.
"I need your help."
Leah stopped short. She hadn't been expecting that.
A part of Embry was mad at Leah, too. But that part was slowly logic'd to death on his run over to the Clearwater's house after he left Jezzie in a sleepy haze and promised they would figure shit out. He finally realized he couldn't be mad at Leah for telling Jezzie the truth. And Jezzie and Leah were friends. Something Embry loved to see. Because he liked Leah and he liked Jezzie. And Embry knew Leah – more than anyone – needed a friend who wasn't a shapeshifting wolf.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Call?" Leah smirked as she sat at the kitchen table.
Embry plunked down beside her. "You know the history of every tribe up and down the Washington coast. We need to do some more research."
"I wasn't gifted by the gods with the power to work my way through an entire local archive in less than eight hours. Did you think that was natural talent?" Leah was curious. Both about his request and why he wasn't yelling yet.
"We've already started some – and there's a good chance that I'm not even a Quileute wolf," Embry stated. Leah rolled her eyes. She knew that much. "Which means that a whole different slew of legends apply to me. I need to know if imprinting applies."
Embry didn't mean to be quite so blunt, but considering he could easily read the look on Leah's face – she was expecting him to uncharacteristically flip his shit – he figured this was still toned down compared to her expectations.
"Jezzie told me you and her talked. She's worried we'll be next, even though we haven't even friggin' started anything… But I need to know if this is even an issue in the first place. I need to dig a little further, Leah."
Leah looked at Embry appraisingly. He was a nice guy. And his girlfriend was even nicer. And if she was being honest with herself, Leah would be over the moon to find out that Embry wouldn't imprint. That would be two people spared, at least. But what if research revealed that he was a Makah wolf and legend told that Makah wolves did imprint? Leah knew enough about her foray into local research to say that often times, digging turned up the unexpected. And it was usually worse than you thought. Research and bad news were very good friends.
"Okay," she agreed. "What are you up to this weekend?"
"This is gonna require some groundwork," Leah told him as she unfolded a map of Neah Bay on the dashboard. "So this is the confines of the reservation. We'll start there. We can branch out to the rest of town if need be."
"We'll talk to some of the families I know and hopefully they can point us in the right direction. The thing about Makah's is that stories and dances and songs pass through families. They're not owned by the tribe. Parts of culture belong to certain family units."
"That could be problematic," Embry offered.
Leah nodded. "Given the amount of families that have been wiped out by disease and time? Yep. Culture death is a bitch. There's also the small bit about how wolves are not the dominant symbol of Makah culture. They're not necessarily that way for the Quileutes either," she rolled her eyes, "but given recent history we bring those legends to prominence."
"Makah are fishermen, canoe builders, right?"
Leah smiled a little bit proud. Maybe he had been listening. "The focus is the sea, yes. Not the land."
Two days later, Leah had found Embry to tell him that she'd found a newspaper article about the death of Stanley Kallen – newly married to a 'Tiffany' – due to the complications of a rare, previously undiagnosed blood disorder. The article dated two months before Embry was born.
"He's buried in Neah Bay, Emb," she told him.
"Because he's Makah," Embry realized.
She nodded. "Carlisle was right."
Look at how awesome y'all are! And just for being so fantastic, and because this chapter was late I am offering you all a lovely little smuttake if you're interested. To be found at [ http(:)/guns-and-drums(.)livejournal(.)com/8511(.)html ], because FFN policy does not allow anything rated beyond an M on their site, and that's a rule I like to respect.