PART TWELVE

Ianto wasn't certain how long he'd been hiding at his desk in the bowels of the Hub, but he was tired and he just wanted to go home. He flicked off the desk lamp and trudged up to the main operations area. Tosh was still working at her terminal, finishing up on the clean up no doubt and he could hear Owen whistling in the autopsy bay. Ianto braced himself and straightened his shoulders as he stepped up and smiled at Tosh.

"Would you like some coffee?"

There was pity in Tosh's answering smile and Ianto felt his gut tighten with annoyance.

"Yes, please Ianto."

He nodded stiffly and then turned away, he'd make one for Owen too and get him to look at his bruises.

Fifteen minutes later and Owen was swearing spectacularly as he inspected the damage inflicted by Dale's boots to Ianto's ribs.

"Well nothings broken, you'll be stiff for a few days though. Want something for the pain?"

Ianto nodded a feeling of déjà vu washing over him as he pulled his clothes back on. He felt like Torchwood's punch bag. Owen watched him for a moment before preparing a syringe.

"Take this home with you and then give yourself the shot and for fucks sake don't drive for at least eight hours after you've had it, you should get a decent sleep, oh and have your shower or bath first, don't want you drowning on me."

He passed Ianto a loaded capped syringe and Ianto put it in his jacket pocket.

"I told Jack not to send you out in the field."

"It's alright Owen."

The medic was tidying up. "No it isn't, aside from being potentially risky....."

"Owen, it's ok. I'm fine, really."

Owen faced him with a scowl. "He treats you like shit Ianto and you let him do it."

Ianto sighed, he really didn't want to have this conversation, especially with Owen.

"I'm going home, do you need anything before I leave?"

Owen screwed his face up in annoyance. "Nah, you fuck off and get some rest."

Ianto left and turned to go to Jack's office.

"He's not there, he went out." Tosh told him.

Ianto went and got his keys from his desk by the coffee machine. "I'll see you tomorrow Tosh."

"Night Ianto."

He drove home listening to Classic FM. Half an hour later having had a bath he was sat in the kitchen smoking his fourth cigarette of the evening. He ignored the doorbell and then winced when he heard a key turn in the lock. Jack stepped in a moment later.

"You didn't answer your door." He commented shucking off his coat and hanging it up on the hook on the back door that led out to the garden.

Ianto took deep drag of his Marlboro Light. "That's because I didn't want any visitors. You've no right to just come in when you please."

Jack sat opposite him. "That's a disgusting habit."

"Fuck off Jack."

Jack watched the smoke as it drifted away and Ianto stubbed out the fag end into a saucer.

"How are you feeling?" Jack finally asked.

Ianto lurched to his feet and went to his coffee maker. "Fine. Did you want something?"

Jack followed him with his gaze. "I came by to see how were you were."

"Well you've seen me now, you can go."

"Ianto...."

"Just go Jack, I'm tired, I ache and I am pissed off. Any conversation I have with you right now is going to end in an argument and I'd rather not. Please just leave me alone."

Jack sighed. "Ok. Take tomorrow off."

Ianto nodded but kept his back to Jack. Jack grabbed his coat and pulled it on, making a show of checking his pockets before hesitating at the door.

"It's not what you think, you know."

"Get out Jack."

Ianto heard the front door slam and finally let go the breath he'd been holding. He decided to watch some TV and remembering Owen's syringe he went and sat with it on the couch. He flicked through a couple of channels until he found a re-run of some old Star Trek. He stabbed his thigh with the needle and within minutes he was sound asleep.

Jack wasn't sure who he went home with. She was pretty and had an Australian accent and proved to be a lot of fun. He got back to an empty Hub at 2am and took a shower and got changed. He reluctantly had Tosh set up surveillance on Gwen and Rhys and he checked the log to discover nothing untoward. He sat at his desk over analysing what had happened earlier on. He was worried about losing Gwen, she was important to him as well as Torchwood. Part of him couldn't deny that he wanted her, but what they felt for one another was shallow in comparison to what he felt for Ianto. Somehow he kept getting it all wrong, said the wrong things, did the wrong things. He sighed going through Owen's updated report on the new Retcon formula, well, at least that appeared to be working. Fuck... What right did he have to take Rhys' memories anyway? Maybe it was time to change the rules, he'd saved others in his past from the drug because of his own attachments, so why not Rhys? Distracted once again he paced about for a while and then decided he needed to see Ianto, to try to explain, to apologise, to..... Jack didn't know what.

He found Ianto slumped in an awkward heap on his couch. The TV was on and there was one of Owen's spent syringes on the floor at Ianto's feet. Jack sighed thinking somewhat calmly how wrong this whole situation was. He carefully checked Ianto's pulse and breathing, which were fine. He was just deeply asleep. Jack sat on the couch and carefully arranged Ianto under the folds of his coat, resting his head on his lap. Jack sat there gently stroking Ianto's head and watching the TV with the volume almost muted. He looked down at the sleeping man and sighed.

"I'm sorry Ianto. I know you don't understand how I feel about Gwen. I'm not certain I do. I understand that you are mad with me, really I do. But I'm not in love with her, just the idea of her, something normal, ordinary and totally unreachable of course. I just want her to be safe, but I also want her to hold on to her life. You've said yourself, Torchwood takes everything. Maybe it's time to change that, maybe she'll be the one to redefine Torchwood, make it better." His hand strayed to Ianto's shoulder under the warmth of his coat and gently massaged. "I'm sorry if what I said to her hurt you. It was a bad day and I was angry and tired. I'm here for you Ianto, I always will be, for long as you'll let me."

Ianto didn't stir. Jack leant his head back against the couch and closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. He slept uneasily for a short while and was woken up by the sound of the television and the strangeness of his surroundings. Jack shivered feeling chilly and he glanced down to see that Ianto was looking up at him with wide eyes.

"Jack?"

Jack couldn't help but smile down at him.

"Hey, you should be in bed." He replied softly.

Ianto blinked at him and then smiled, just faintly and it was the most beautiful thing Jack had seen in a long time.

"Comfy here." Ianto murmured.

"You'll be sore in the morning and Owen will go mental if he finds out you've been sleeping on the couch."

Ianto yawned expansively and stretched up his hands and grasped Jack's head. He ran his fingers through Jack's hair.

"You came back. I yelled at you and you came back."

"Just couldn't leave you alone."

Ianto dropped his hands away and cautiously sat up, hissing in a pained breath as muscles protested. He tugged Jack's coat around him for the warmth. He was wide awake now.

"We're useless aren't we?"

Jack searched out one of his hands and grasped it tightly.

"I'm not mad with you Jack. My head is so messed up right now and I am trying to make sense of myself. What annoyed me was Tosh and Owen talking about us and then Tosh looking at me liked you'd drowned my favourite puppy. Owen said you treat me badly, but he's wrong."

Jack didn't know what to say to that.

"You've lost so much Jack and lets face it Gwen lights up the Hub like a Christmas tree, she's brilliant. I know you love her. I understand why you love her. I'm a little jealous I won't deny that, but right now I can't focus on you I have to take care of me. You're right about that...."

"I can help you."

Ianto grinned for a moment. "You do. You make me mad, you challenge me, you make me laugh. It takes away the deadness Jack and forces me to remember to be alive. When Lisa was gone all I could feel was her painful absence, it was like a well I was drowning in, a well I didn't want to climb out of. I don't know what we are..... short of being totally fucked up. I know you care. I care, maybe for now that's enough...."

Jack sighed not sure whether or not to feel disappointed. He pulled Ianto to his side and the younger man rested his head against his shoulder.

"This is just too hard, can we do us and Torchwood at the same time?"

Jack kissed him. "Yes we can." He whispered into Ianto's mussed up hair. "We definitely can."