Late June (VI: Chapter 71)

Myriam had lost her husband, for months he'd been missing and she'd had to fear he was dead. She'd finally gotten him back, except he was still lost and for weeks he'd been missing inside his own mind. She'd had to fear he would be insane forever, until finally- finally she'd gotten him back within his own mind. And yet, he still wasn't himself.

Flan was now quiet and withdrawn, he always seemed on edge and afraid. He'd developed a number of fears, including knives, hooks, fire, water when it was in a larger body like a sink or bathtub, wands unless they were in his hand, pins, needles, nails, graters, screws, wires, razors, rope, rocks sometimes and hammers. He also refused to wear glasses, drink anything hot – and wouldn't drink anything before dipping a finger in to check it was cool - or eat anything hot although he'd still take warm food at least. He was so jumpy he flinched at the slightest provocation, any sudden movement or unexpected sound, any loud sound, every touch, at times he even jumped at shadows or certain words, sometimes even his own name.

She hated seeing him like that. She wasn't stupid, she'd seen enough of the scars and heard enough about his injuries to have an idea why he was afraid. She could see he was deeply hurt, in pain. As bad as it had been when he'd lost his mind, at least he'd seemed happy. She could tell he hated being like that too, he'd get the same flicker of shame in his eyes that he had when he failed at a spell. She had to just try to avoid setting him off as he'd get panic attacks from his fears, or magical outbursts because that was another thing: magic.

Flan had struggled to use magic as long as she'd known him – and it was something she threw the blame firmly at the feet of his uncle for – but now the times he'd get upset, magic would accidentally happen like it would for one of their children just to a more frequent and more severe degree. She wouldn't have thought it possible but his spellcasting had also managed to actually get even worse, even spells he could actually do before went badly wrong like he had no control at all. Sometimes she really felt like her family could never catch a break.

She sighed as she finished up the last of the dishes, pulling the plug and drying her hands before heading back down the corridor where Flan was putting the kids to bed. Lysel and Maurene had rooms opposite each other, Flan was tucking Maurene into her bed so she went into her son's room where Lysel was already tucked in and sound asleep amongst his menagerie of stuffed animals. He was already weak from the full moon still a week away so didn't last long, her poor little trooper. Being a werewolf wasn't fun like that although she still felt alright, she hadn't been as ill as he was since she'd been pregnant with him.

"Just hang in there," she whispered as she kissed his forehead gently, hating that he had to suffer and hoping he'd get through it, "Please hang in there."

She left him to sleep and crossed over into her daughter's room, passing Flan on his way out. At least now he had plenty of time to spend with the kids, too bad it came at the cost of being unable to leave the house because they had to pretend he was still insane. She didn't think being stir crazy helped with everything. She kissed her daughter goodnight, finding it hard to believe Maurene was seven already. It wasn't that long before she'd be off in Hogwarts, so close yet still yet so far. Assuming they and Hogwarts were all still standing then, of course.

"Goodnight sweetheart," Myriam offered, giving her little girl a gentle smile and caressed the scars on her daughter's face. She'd done it the first time she transformed into a werewolf, pregnancy delayed her first transformation so it had taken them all by surprise.

"Night-night Mummy," Maurene told her with a yawn, returning the smile although not opening her eyes as she rolled over onto her side, "Love you."

"Love you too," Myriam assured her and fixed her blankets to account for the new position.

She left Maurene to sleep and returned to her room, Flan seemed to have just finished changing into pajamas. He was getting better at that, losing half his fingers did impede his ability to do things as easily. She changed into her nightdress while Flan went to the bathroom to brush his teeth, he finished just when she needed to do the same and went to go put out the lights while she brushed her own teeth. He was climbing into bed when she finished, they did have a pretty solid routine in place now again.

"Well goodnight," Flan offered as he lay down, rolling over onto his side facing away from her.

"That's it? Goodnight?" Myriam wondered, feeling somewhat saddened they put so much effort into putting their kids to sleep but didn't have a conversation amongst themselves, she didn't even get a goodnight kiss. In fact, it had been a long time since they did anything romantic together and this year was their tenth anniversary. Her tone must've betrayed her as he sat back up with a slight frown.

"Why? Do you want me to go sleep on the couch?"

"What? Why would- No," Myriam turned him down in confusion, scowling slightly herself, "I just… I thought we could… that we could talk."

"Are you alright?" Flan asked worriedly.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Is it about Maurene?"

"No, she's fine."

"Is Lysel doing worse than usual? He seemed okay when I put him down…"

"No, he's alright," Myriam insisted and Flan looked relieved for a moment, "As much as he can be anyway."

"Is the Ministry canceling the money they give you because of me being incapacitated?"

"No, we're actually alright on money for once."

"Hmm," Flan mused and scratched his head, apparently out of topics to guess and she knew why.

"That kind of is all we talk about these days," Myriam admitted aloud and he nodded in agreement, she didn't remember the last time they had a conversation that wasn't about problems their family were facing. She wasn't quite sure what she had hoped to accomplish, she didn't really know what to say either, "Do you want to read a book or something?"

"No. Why would I want to do that?" Flan scoffed as if she'd suggested something as unbelievable as flying to the moon.

"I don't know, you used to… like reading."

"Well now I don't, I can't read without glasses anyway."

"Then wear your glasses."

"I'm not wearing glasses, they're dangerous," Flan insisted, twitching uncomfortably.

"How are they dangerous?" Myriam wondered incredulously.

"Because people can smash them into your eyes!" Flan protested rather irrationally and her doubt must've shown on her face, "It's a thing, it really happens!"

"That doesn't mean it's likely to happen, no one's going to do that to you."

"You don't know that," Flan complained, looking incredibly anxious, "In fact, I'm not sure we should be letting Maurene risk herself by wearing them."

"Flan, are you listening to yourself right now?" Myriam prompted worriedly and he looked at her for a long moment.

"I suppose you're right… I'm still not wearing them though."

"Alright," Myriam nodded, still feeling concerned while her husband lay back down.

"Goodnight."

"Night," Myriam muttered as he rolled over away from her, she waved her wand to kill the light before lying down beside him.

She sighed and lay there, watching her worries chase around her mind while Flan tossed and turned beside her. Sleep didn't come easy to either of them, eventually Flan went quiet beside her finally asleep while she stared up at the somewhat lumpy ceiling feeling wide awake and wondering what she could do about anything.

She heard Flan groaned and glance, seeing him tense in his sleep before he started tossing and turning for an entirely different reason, struggling against the nightmares that plagued him. She hated him seeing struggling but if she woke him then he got even more upset, it was unfortunately best to just wait it out.

He jolted awake abruptly and a bolt of lightning flashed before them, causing her to jump fearfully into a sitting position herself as it blew up one of their bedposts. He looked around with an expression of panic and fear, breathing heavily.

"It's okay, Flan, you're home," Myriam told him gently and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T EVER TOUCH ME!" Flan screeched at her as he flinched violently away from her hand.

She pulled her hand quickly in shock, that was new. He looked away from her, still shuddering as he took deeper breaths as if to try calm himself. He went to bury his face in his scarred hands that now lacked several fingers, only to flinch from them which he glared at as he moved them away from his face. Unsure what to do, she just waited as his breathing gradually became more even, finally slowing to a regular speed and he hung his head. She was debating with herself what she should say when he spoke.

"I'm sorry," Flan apologized quietly and spared her a glance, "I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's okay," Myriam offered and patted him on the shoulder gently.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT TOUCHING ME?!" Flan shrieked at her, flinching from her hand once more and she pulled it back as if burned while he started hyperventilating again and some books flew off the shelves.

"Sorry," Myriam mumbled guiltily, hating her failure to comfort him and just having to wait for him to calm down again. Flan was good at knowing what people were thinking, what they needed to hear. In contrast, she never knew what he was thinking and for someone who made a living getting people to open up, he was pretty poor at doing so himself.

"No, I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't- shouldn't react like that, I'm sorry," Flan muttered ashamedly and went to put his head in his hands again before again jolting back from his own hands, glaring at them once more as if they'd wronged him.

"It's alright," Myriam assured him and resisted the urge to put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly again in case it freaked him out, "What did your hands do on you?"

"My hands? They just… don't feel like my hands anymore," Flan answered very quietly, glancing at them briefly before shuddering, "Don't feel comfortable in my own skin really…"

"I'm sure you just need time," Myriam offered, having absolutely no clue whether that was right or not.

"Hmm," Flan grunting, giving no indication of whether he believed that or not before he sighed and lay back down, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight?" Myriam repeated in surprise and he sat back up worriedly.

"Do you want me to go sleep on the couch?"

"No! I've literally never- Never mind, I just…" Myriam trailed off, trying to think of the best way to phrase it but she wasn't smart with words. She had to stop hanging out with Ravenclaws, "I feel like we should talk… you know about you, with… the stuff… that you're… going through… because talking helps… and stuff…"

"Hmm…" Flan mused for a second as if debating it before casually shaking his head and lying back down, "No. I don't think so

"Flan!" Myriam burst out incredulously.

"What?" Flan demanded irritably as he sat back up.

"Look, I know that I'm not like you but I love you and I want to help you which I can't do unless you talk to me."

"Well what do you expect me to say, Myriam?"

"I… I don't know, whatever you… feel?" Myriam guessed, rather wishing she'd thought through what she had wanted to say, "You need to talk about it, Flan, you need to talk about something. I know… I know you've been through… a lot and you're… you're struggling but you're not… not getting any better and… I don't think you will… unless you talk. Come on, that's… that's what you'd say? Right? Just… better worded."

Flan looked at her blankly.

"Look Flan, I'm your wife… I just… I just want to help you," Myriam offered and reached out to squeeze his hand comfortingly but stopped herself, noticing him tense still and moved her hand back, "But I don't… I don't know and I won't, I won't unless you talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" Flan demanded again, this time more rhetorically, "That I know I'm struggling? That I know I'm not okay? That I know what I'm going through but it still doesn't help? That I should be overjoyed and happy because I'm home sane, because you and the kids are alive and well – and really I am, I am so relieved, you have no idea – but I'm not?! That I should be able to cope with this better but I can't?!

"That every second of the day I live in fear- I live in terror that the Shadows are going to come back for me and take me back-" Flan choked on a sob and his voice cracked "-and the only thing that scares me more is the thought of them h-hurting you or the kids instead? That every time I close my eyes I'm back there? That I hate feeling like this but I can't shake it? That I feel broken… I just feel broken, Myr."

"Oh Flan," Myriam whispered as he broke down crying, she went to put her arms around him and he flinched. She hugged him anyway and he slowly relaxed into her embrace, she felt his own arms circle around her and hold her tight as he cried into her shoulder, "We'll get through this, we always do."