He'd been ushered out of retirement to complete one last mission. He normally shied away from this kind of assignment - too many bad memories from his Black Ops days, but the kingdom was counting on him. His services had been specifically requested by the King. Apparently, the King was familiar with his previous body of work and knew of his capabilities. He'd been asked to dispose of the crown's number one enemy in a discrete and painless manner. It was a task of the utmost importance.
He'd accepted the job in secret. In principle, he hated lying to Carter - but in this case, it was safer to keep her in the dark. If things went south, she'd have plausible deniability. It was his only means of protecting her.
The target had become a prominent figure of late, rising quickly from relative obscurity. It had appeared in the town around the holidays - a weary traveller from Jersey. It was charming at first and proved itself to be a valuable member of society - working as a healer and motivational speaker.
One fateful night, the Princess developed a terrible fever. She was the King and Queen's youngest heir and their only daughter. They rallied the best doctors in the land to cure her, but her health only deteriorated. As a last resort, they consulted the traveller. In a matter of hours, her vital signs had improved and she made a miraculous recovery. The Queen was very grateful and granted the visitor full access to the palace. The visitor used this to its full advantage and became a permanent fixture. Its popularity increased, particularly with the Queen and Princess. They came to regard it as a mystic, a visionary and a prophet. Its influence spread across the land and soon the traveller had the entire kingdom under its spell.
The King, however, could not be swayed. He lived in the real world and refused to fall for its charm and utopian propaganda. He was alone in his opinions, and they made him increasingly unpopular in the kingdom. He became concerned that his days in power were numbered and decided to take matters into his own hands. The King knew that hiring a professional was an extreme remedy to his paranoia, but he took the corruption of his kingdom very seriously.
Executing the...execution had proved quite difficult. As a guest of the palace, the traveller was under 24 hour guard. Some might have called it untouchable - but Jack O'Neill was never bashful in the face of adversity!
As a trained killer, he knew that understanding his target was the best means of defeating it. He spent hours studying its daily routine and memorising its movements. Once he had a comprehensive grasp of its schedule, he determined the best time to strike. The visitor was surrounded by three of more people during the day - but at night, there was only one. According to his inside sources, the night watchman had a tendency to fall asleep on the job. This was his window of opportunity.
Under the veil of night, he crept into the Princess's quarters. The full moon was casting eerie blue beams onto the floor - illuminating the room with enough light to deem a torch unnecessary. He hugged the wall to remain in the shadows and shuffled towards the window. The traveller could be found here most nights, watching over the Princess from afar. He reached for the weapon in his back pocket...but the target wasn't there! Had his plans been foiled? He glanced around the room and found the familiar silhouette of his foe - that sneaky bastard! He couldn't believe his eyes. The traveller was in bed with the Princess! Its hands were resting possessively on the Princess's chest. Even in slumber, the smarmy worm had the audacity to look smug. His blood started to boil.
He had to put an end to this.
He quietly moved towards the bed and made a lunge for the traveller. He reached for its throat and lifted it above the sheets.
"Hello...Moo-Moo. Prepare to meet your maker…" he turned the toy cow over in his hand, "...who appears to be Mattel."
"I love you..!" declared the talking bovine.
He winced and glanced down at Gracie. Her breathing was steady and her eyelids were fluttering rapidly - she was still sound asleep.
"Let's cuddle..!"
He ordered the toy to shut-up with a sharp hiss. He ran his hand across Moo-Moo's undercarriage, searching desperately for an off switch. "How do you turn this infernal thing off?" he muttered to himself.
"You're my favourite person..!"
"Not for much longer," he thought. He could kill Daniel for gifting Gracie this stupid talking cow. It's chirpy, melodious voice haunted his dreams. Carter and Jake loved it too. They thought it was adorable. He just found it annoying.
He grabbed his screwdriver and pried off Moo-Moo's mechanics. He flashed the toy his best "you've-been-defeated" smirk. Once again, good had triumphed over the forces of evil! He'd be chalking this up as another victory. He re-positioned Moo-Moo next to Gracie and dropped a soft kiss on the baby's head.
With an air of self-satisfaction, he walked towards the master bedroom. He slowly turned the doorknob and slipped inside. He was still congratulating himself on a job well done when the bedside lamp flickered on. He froze. Carter was sitting upright. Her hair was flat on one side and the thin straps of her pyjama top had slid off her shoulders. She was glaring at him through half-mast eyes - her pupils still fighting the bright light.
"Did you lobotomise Moo-Moo?"
He glanced down at the remnants of Moo-Moo's voice box. His left eye twitched with guilt. "Umm...I'm thinking of it as a strategic silencing."
"Jack..! I can't believe you did that! Gracie's going to be crushed."
He defiantly shook his head. "Carter, she's a baby. I doubt she'll notice. Moo-Moo is still in tact...mostly."
"...but you took away his spirit."
"Come on, Carter. You can't tell me this thing doesn't annoy you…"
He flicked the box on and the same three phrases rung out on repeat. She remained steely at first, but after the tenth time the cracks in her resolve started to show. She flinched, before diving onto his hands and switching it off.
"Okay, okay! You win! It's really annoying."
"I told you..!"
He watched as her face transitioned from relieved to ashamed. "I kinda feel bad. Moo-Moo really lifted Gracie's spirits when she had that terrible cold a few weeks back."
He sat on the edge of the bed and reached for one of her hands. "Carter, Moo-Moo isn't a mystical healer - he's a toy. You're selling yourself short! Your attentiveness as a mother was the reason she bounced back so quickly."
She thoughtfully nibbled at her bottom lip. "So...what do you plan to do with it?" She acknowledged the box with a nod of her head.
"Oh...I have some plans for Moo-Moo, don't you worry. I might need your help, though…"
A few days later at the SGC...
Daniel was trying to negotiate through the doorway of his office with a stack of books in one hand and a fresh cup of coffee in the other.
"I love you..!"
The unexpected proclamation brought him to a screeching halt. He lost his grip on the polystyrene cup and the hot liquid shot across the cement floor. He swore under his breath and stepped around the mess to place his books on the metal workbench. His eyes darted around the room in search of the source.
"..hello..?" He could have sworn he heard something. With a frown, he stepped back into the corridor.
"Let's cuddle..!"
Okay, he'd definitely heard something that time. He glanced in both directions. The hallway was completely deserted.
"Is anybody there..?" he gingerly called out.
When there was no reply, he walked back into the office.
"You're my favourite person..!"
Who was that? Was he going crazy?
"Vala? Is that you?"
Back at the Carter-O'Neill residence...
"Do you think Daniel's going to realise that we rigged-up Moo-Moo's remains to a motion sensor?" Sam was bouncing Gracie on her hip as she glided between the fridge and toaster.
Jack let the spoon drop from his hand and it hit the porcelain cereal bowl with a clink. "Probably...but not before Moo-Moo's had his revenge. I might use my connections to get a copy of the security footage from Landry."
The corners of her mouth twitched slightly in mild amusement. "Shouldn't you be using your powers for good and not evil?"
He shrugged. "Isn't that a moooot point?"