I don't fall asleep, well not properly. I think there's a period of time where your body naturally takes short sleeps, even if you're not aware of it. Either way, I don't knowingly allow myself to sleep. There's a constant battle going on within my mind to keep my eyes open, to not allow them to drop. I'm somewhat grateful to have this sort of mindless activity to keep my mind at ease; otherwise I think I would have broken down by now due to the circumstances which I am in. Every minute, every second I am on this train the realisation that I won't be coming back is hitting me. The realisation that Prim may not be coming back is killing me. My little sister is curled up in a ball next to me; I don't know whether she is actually asleep. I hope she is. Every so often I'll hear a whimper then a sudden spasm of her body movements. That's when I know she must be asleep. Her dreams must be full of her darkest fears, darkest horrors which link to the Hunger Games, and I can't protect her. I promised myself that I would protect Prim from the Hunger Games the moment she was born. And I have failed.
For it is my own selfish needs, acts, to survive that has gotten me into this circumstance in the first place. I should have allowed those savage dogs to rip me apart when I had the chance. If I had then Prim, Peeta and Gale would be mourning my death, not on this train being sent to theirs. I have never felt these emotions before, the last time I felt this uncontrollably numb was when farther died. When he died it felt as if a massive part of my life had been ripped out of me. I felt like that for all the time farther had been with us I walked around without a care in the world. Then the moment he was gone, my whole world crumbled, innocence was gone. I didn't have a chance to mourn as my mother fell into extreme depression. She barely spoke, she barely ate, she barely breathed. Mother would just sit in the kitchen, looking out the window. Waiting. Waiting for farther to return. He never would. I had to take control, Prim was only young; someone needed to hold the family together. So I became the 'man' of the house you could say. I didn't cry, I didn't have time too.
Now here I am, protecting my sister in her sleep. I haven't time to cry, to acknowledge my fears. I was selfish earlier, kissing Gale. A moment of pure naïve weakness. I just needed something, anything, to take my mind off the Hunger Games. I remember when I was in the cave with Peeta, I would sometimes forget I was in the Games. I think that's all I wanted, for someone, anyone, to make me forget. I've been considering to resorting to Haymitch's way of dealing with pain, by drowning it through alcohol. It wouldn't be difficult to get my hands on it. It would make the games more interesting, having a raging alcoholic luring around. Trying to shoot an arrow yet end up shooting it at themselves. Brilliant entertainment. Prim gives another body spasm. She is the reason why I can't drown my fears. She is the reason why I can't be weak. Prim, beautiful Prim. I remember when she was first born I hated her. I was jealous. Farther spent more time with Prim than me. Even from a young age I have been selfish. But seventeen years later Prim is now my life, I couldn't live without her. Mother fell into deep depression when farther died, I easily could have done the same if it weren't for Prim. I'm still rather bitter that mother allowed herself to get into that state, not once considering her children. Some said my mother was ill, not physically but mentally. I, on the other hand, just found her selfish. Mother like daughter.
It's 8am and Prim awakes from her sleep. She rubs her eyes before stretching out her hands.
"Good morning Buttercup," Prim smiles, her eyes still shut. The moment her eyes open her smile is wiped off her face. Realisation suddenly dawns on my sister of where we are. Prim begins to cry.
"It's okay Prim," I say, pulling my her into my chest, hugging her protectively.
"But- Buttercup- won't- know- where- I- am!" Prim cries in between fast gasps. Typical. Prim cares more about that cat than she does herself.
"I'm sure mother will tell Buttercup where you are," I reply.
"Do you think so?" Prim sniffles.
"I do. Now come on, let's have some breakfast. We need to fatten this little duck up," I reply, tickling my sister. Prim laughs, though it is forced. But a forced laugh is better than no laugh. The two of us get dressed and enter into the section of the train where food is available; already Peeta, Effie and Haymitch are sat at the table, talking amongst themselves.
"Good morning!" Effie exclaims, giving both Prim and I a Capitol smile. Prim returns the smile and sits down next to Peeta. I think she is slightly scared by the appearance of Effie and to be honest, so am I. Effie's 'neon blue' hair has suddenly changed to a neon green and yellow beehive. To make matters worse, Effie's eyelids are coated in a heavy, tacky, vibrant pink powder. Those from District 12 don't know much about fashion so maybe that is why we will never understand the fashion of the Capitol.
"This must all be very exciting for you, mustn't it Primrose?" I hear Effie ask. My stomach knots at the sound of Effie's over enthusiastic voice. How dare she ask such a thing to my sister? The way in which she addresses Prim by her full name, the same way which she has declared it for the past two years. "Primrose Everdeen". I dig my nails into the table at the thought. Screw her mahogany.
"I don't know," Prim replies innocently, "It's still a shock to me."
"Well, don't go letting your sister have all the glory now," Effie smiles giving a small wink. I go to open my mouth to say something; I can feel that protective instinct overcoming my body once more. The same instinct which a cheetah has when needing to protect its cubs when they are in danger. But before I can say anything, Haymitch has already spoken.
"Yes sweetheart, you should really listen to this…I don't even know how to describe you today. That is quite an ensemble you have on. But, getting to my point, you should definitely listen to this fruit basket. Kill your sister. Don't let her get all the glory."
"Haymitch-!"
"-That's what you were telling her to do, Effie! Or have you forgotten what the rules of the Hunger Games are?"
My mouth falls open slightly, how dare Haymitch speak so bluntly in front of my sister. I look to Prim who's eyes have filled up with tears. She pushes herself away from the table and goes back to her room.
"I know you two hate each other but don't you dare speak in such a way in front of my sister again," I spit.
"Shut it sweetheart. From the start I have always been honest with you and Peeta; I never stepped on eggshells, did I? And look where that got you. You won the Hunger Games." I don't bother replying to Haymitch, I push myself away from the table and go find my sister.
It takes an hour before I am able to calm Prim down. Or at least stop her from crying anymore.
"We're going to be arriving soon; you don't want your face to be all puffy from the tears do you?" I ask whilst braiding Prim's hair. She shakes her head like a little child. But that's all Prim is really. A little child. A little child being forced to play a big kid's game. A knock comes from the door, I'm paranoid about whether I should open it or not.
"Who is it?" I call. If it is Haymitch or Effie I'm not opening.
"Peeta." I give a small sigh of relief, so small that even Prim wouldn't be able to hear it. I walk over to the door and open it slightly, just so I am able to make sure that neither Effie nor Haymitch are with Peeta. As I look through the small crack I have created in the door, my eyes are met by the startling blue which belong to Peeta.
"They're not with me," Peeta states, "Can I come in?" I open the door, allowing Peeta to come in before shutting the door quickly.
"I should hire you as security," Peeta smiles. I laugh slightly at Peeta's comment. Since Peeta and I won the Hunger Games, it wasn't unusual for Peeta to have love letters, parcels or even fans end up at his house.
"You look very pretty Prim. People will be fighting over you to sponsor you," Peeta comments.
"What's sponsoring?" Prim asks with naivety, whilst blushing slightly at Peeta's compliment. Peeta looks towards me, slightly shocked.
"Haven't you been explained the rules?" Prim shakes her head.
"She doesn't need to know, Peeta. She's only 13! We'll protect her; all she has to do is stay with us."
"But Katniss-"
"-No but's!"
I know I am coming across irrational but I don't want to have to intoxicate Prim's mind with the rules which the Capitol have created. There's only one rule which she already knows. You fight till the death. Peeta gives me a look of disapproval before changing the subject abruptly.
"I got you two breakfasts," he says before handing us each some bread and fruit. Prim's face lights up at the sight of the food, I had noticed her stomach rumbling quite a few times. Out of all the food available Peeta gets us bread. It reminds me a lot like the time when Peeta gave me bread when I was practically keeled over in his garden… but this is less extreme. I take the bread with gratitude, though I don't eat much. That is because I know that in only an hour's time we'll be pulling into the Capitol, greeted by humans who look like circus freaks. Yet it will be us who have to put on the show. I sit down cross legged on the floor, carrying on braiding Prim's hair. Peeta sits behind us on the bed and I am able to watch the both of them through the reflection of the mirror. Prim, she looks anxious, though slightly excited. I know she has dreamt of going to the Capitol all her life. I just wish it wasn't for this reason. Peeta is watching my hands, fascinated by the way which they are so coordinated with one another. I can't help but smile at Peeta at times. He's a likable character, no wonder he has hardcore, dedicated fans that will be rooting for him this year. I suppose those same fans will have their fingers crossed that I die, so they get their precious Peeta Mellark all to themselves. I suddenly feel bitter, jealous almost. I don't know why. Perhaps, maybe, it is because Peeta is my boy with the bread, not theirs. He, supposedly, loves me. And yes, I don't love Peeta, but he is still mine. Peeta's eyes look away from my hands to meet my eyes watching his reflection. Peeta gives me a small smile which I return. As I look back to Prim I notice her watching both Peeta and I with such keen interest. An unusual smile spreading across her face.
Once I have finished braiding Prim's hair, Peeta agrees to allow Prim and I to give him a makeover.
"Make him look like Effie, Katniss!" Prim exclaims in delight. I've tied Peeta into a chair so he can't stop me from putting whatever I like on his face. Peeta is laughing along with us, though I sense he is genuinely scared of what the outcome will be. It's strange how immature activities such as these can make you lose track of all time alongside forgetting where you are travelling too.
After an hour or so I hear a high shrill voice. "We're here!" Effie shouts, hitting my door numerous times. Peeta's eyes widen in alarm.
"We've arrived? Katniss get this makeup off of me!"
"I can't! We haven't the time," I reply, trying to suppress my need to laugh. Prim, on the other hand, is unable too and bursts out laughing right in front of Peeta.
"Well at least show me what I look like?" Peeta questions, he hasn't seen his reflection yet. I turn the chair to face the mirror where I can't help but laugh at Peeta's reaction. His face shows disgust alongside slight amusement. With bright neon orange hair which Prim received by sneaking into Effie's room and taking her 'hair paint' as Prim calls it. Thick, black, clumpy eye lashes, framed with neon green eye liner. Peeta's face is pure white, with orange cheeks to match his hair. Finishing with dark red lips, to bring out his seductive side.
"What have you made me look like?" Peeta questions, rather lost for words.
"Neon is in this year," Prim giggles.
"HURRY UP! WE ARE RUNNING LATE!" Effie practically screams from outside the door.