Chapter 12 - No Way around a River

You keep closing your eyes
Trying to ignore it
Hoping it will disappear
Face to face with your own Goliath
At least that's how it looks from here
And all the stone you throw
Won't scare it away

There's no way around a river, baby
Wade on in the deep
And when you can't go any further
Hold on to me
And if it pulls you under
I'll be there too
There's no way around a river, baby
It's just something you've got to go through.

-Phil Stacey, "No Way around a River"

Rose does as the Doctor tells her and runs. She rushes towards grassy field where they left the TARDIS without looking back. She can feel her heart pounding in her ears as she fumbles with her key trying to get it in the lock. Her mind flashes back to the last time she tried to unlock this door in a hurry and she hears something behind her. She spins around, dropping her key in the process, but no one is there.

Tears of fear well up in her eyes and blur her vision, making it difficult for her to see as she feels around the long grass, looking for the familiar shape of the key. With every second that goes by she becomes increasingly terrified that the Master will break away from the Doctor to come and find her.

Off in the distance in the direction from which she came, she hears two loud BANGS! She jumps as her heartbeat and breathing increase and she curls into herself against the ground, clawing at the dirt and grass, unsure of what is happening or what to do next. The TARDIS makes a strange, whirring noise, and she knows, she's not sure how she knows, but she knows it means she will keep her safe until the Doctor comes back.

She clambers to her feet, pushes the TARDIS door open, rushes in, and slams it shut behind her. Although her key is still outside, she knows the TARDIS won't let anyone but the Doctor through those doors.

She stumbles over to the center console and drops onto the ground leaning against it. She can still feel her heart racing. She does her best to calm her breathing and stop her eyes from watering, but it doesn't work as well as she would have liked.

"ROSE?!" calls out an alarmed voice a few minutes later.

She hears the door open and experiences a brief moment of fear, but when she turns and sees it is the Doctor, she allows herself to relax a bit.

He looks scared too, but then relaxes as well. He has her key in his hand.

"I saw your key on the ground and thought…" He walks towards her and holds it out to her.

She knows what he thought. The last and only time he had seen it not around her neck was on the TARDIS floor after the Master took her.

"Sorry. I thought I heard something and panicked. I dropped it and couldn't find it. The TARDIS let me in." She reaches her hand up and takes the key from him, not looking at his face. She slips the chain over her head and fiddles with the key as he walks around her, pressing a series of buttons, pulling levers, and turning knobs, as the TARDIS changes locations. She doesn't ask where they are going. It doesn't matter.

When the turbulence stops, he sits down next to her. Neither looks at the other.

"He'll regenerate."

She nods. She can fill in the blanks about what the Doctor did to the Master on her own. She expected nothing less after that reveal. The one she knows they are going to have to talk about.

"That's what you couldn't tell me? That he raped you?"

She wasn't looking at the Doctor as the Master was talking, but she knew the moment he had figured it out. There was a change in his voice. Pure anger like nothing she had never heard before. She'd be lying if she said it hadn't frightened her. The tension in the air had increased significantly. She hasn't looked him in the eyes since then. Even now. She stares at her feet as she hugs her knees close to her chest. She is afraid of what is going to happen next. Will he see her as damaged goods? Will he take her back to London and leave her to live out the rest of her life without him?

He puts his arm around he shoulders. At first, she jumps, startled by the touch, and he starts to pull away. But she grabs his hand before he can fully remove it and wraps it back around her, relieved that he is not afraid to touch her. She allows him to pull her so she is leaning up against him.

They sit in silence for a minute as she rests her head on his shoulder. She closes her eyes and allows the last few tears in them to fall. She hadn't heard the Master come up behind her, but she felt his presence and recognized his unmistakable scent and knew he was there. She wanted to scream out to the Doctor, but she was frozen, too petrified to move or make a sound. For the first time since then, her heart rate starts to slow back to a normal pace. She is on the TARDIS with the Doctor. She is safe. For now at least.

"Do you have any idea what he was referring to when he was talking about the 'lingering side effects' that we hadn't noticed yet?"

She just shakes her head. Not sure she could get out sounds comprehensible enough to be considered words.

He rubs his hand along her upper arm. "I know it's hard, but if there is anything else you haven't told me, anything at all, even if it seems insignificant, you should let me know now. I didn't like the tone in his voice as he was saying that. And that laugh…"

Rose shudders as she remembers that laugh. But for different reasons than the Doctor dislikes it. It took her back to when she was his captive. That was the same laugh she had heard right before he was about to do something unspeakable to her. The Doctor feels her tremble and tightens his grip on her. She turns her head into him and is able to smell him. Such a different scent from the Master's. It's a calming, pleasing, safe smell.

Then she sits up slowly and turns towards him. Still not looking at his face.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you," she begins. "It's that I literally cannot. A lot of it is hazy from all the drugs. I think I've repressed some of it. And then there are the parts that I just can't bring myself to speak about. I've tried to tell you so many times, but I can never get the words out."

"What you could tell me everything, even the things you don't remember, without saying a word?"

Then she looks at him. He is looking directly at her with an expression she is unsure of how to describe. It is serious and concerned and a bit afraid.

"There is a way that I can learn about everything he put you through without you actually having to say anything," He reiterates.

"Go on…" she prompts him.

"I can create a telepathic link between us. All you would have to do is think about the first thing you remember and I will be able to trace the event through the rest of your memories and see everything. It won't be easy for you. You'll be reliving everything in a matter of minutes. Everything you saw, heard, smelled, felt. It'll be like it is happening all over again. If I thought there was any other way, any at all, I wouldn't even suggest it. I hate the idea of making you go back there. But it is the only way to make sure I know everything that happened. When he was talking, he made it sound like something is seriously wrong. We might not even notice it until it's too late. But I know how this man thinks and if I understand what he did, I can understand what he meant."

Rose closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. As much as she doesn't want to think about any of it, she knows he is right. She has also been feeling as though something is not quite right for a while now. But she can't put her finger on what it is that is off. She figured it was just some sort of psychological trauma, and that it would go away with time.

But it hasn't.

She looks the Doctor in the eye. She trusts him more than anyone else she has ever known. She knows he would not put her through this if there was any other option.

Despite how much she does not want to think about that time, let alone experience it again, she nods.

The Doctor sighs. She is not sure if it is a sigh of relief that she agreed, or a sigh of dread for what he is about to do.

He stands up and offers her his hand. "Best to do this somewhere where you feel safe and comfortable." She thinks about telling him that she feels safe wherever she is, as long as she is with him, but decides to just let him lead her to her bedroom.

He sits her down on the bed and kneels in front of her.

"Close your eyes. And place your hands on my shoulders."

She does as he requests.

She feels him place his hands on either side of her face. Lightly. A gentle touch that she just wants to lean into. But the fear of what is about to happen keeps her still.

They both take a deep breath. Simultaneously. As if they are already linked.

"Think back to the first thing you can remember after he took you."

She remembers waking up in the dark room. She remembers the headache and discovering she is tied up. She remembers the Master coming in and telling her what was going on. She remembers every word he says, as if it was happening there in front of her. She can feel the cold, hard cement beneath her. She recognizes the musty smell of the prison she spent so many months in. She can no longer hear the familiar sounds of the TARDIS. This is all too much for her. She tries to stop it, to stop the memories from coming, but someone else is in control now. All she can do is watch. And hear and taste and smell and feel. Everything comes flooding back.