Chapter 12
Everything on the Table
Summary:
It is what it is.
Irritation didn't leave Axel when he was alone with his thoughts. And since he was temporarily jobless he had a lot of time to ruminate. He thought about how hot Roxas had been during their threesome. And when that thought popped up Riku's stupid face would pop up alongside it. That, in turn, led to all kinds of other thoughts around what Roxas must be getting up to with his friends, whenever he left Axel to be with them.
It burned.
If Roxas didn't have feelings for the guy it would all have been all right. But as it stood things were far from okay. It had all been Demyx's fault for agreeing to the threesome. So he called a meeting with both Larxene and Demyx, declaring that this was the end of their years of friends-with-benefits.
"Oh thank fuck. I was terrified you'd ask us both over for a threesome," Larxene bent over and sighed with relief.
"Why do you have to be like that? Why wouldn't you want to have sex with me?"
"Look at you, Demyx. Just look at you!" she pointed her finger at invisible flaws.
"Well stuff you. Vaginas are gross, especially yours," he retorted.
"Not as gross as your dick." She pushed Demyx onto Axel's bed where he bounced, but ultimately stayed put.
"It doesn't matter," Axel snapped. "Point is none of us will have sex again."
"Woah, dramatic much," Demyx giggled.
"Did Demyx being screwed by your precious Roxas turn you off that badly?" Larxene laughed and then nudged Demyx, sitting down beside him. "I don't think he likes to share."
"Mmhmm. I think so too. But I can see why. Roxas is pretty good at what he does," he grinned, and it rubbed Axel the wrong way.
"We're never having a threesome again. So there's no point in coming over."
"Well with you maybe. But what if Roxas asks us over?" Larxene smirked.
"He wouldn't," Axel spat.
"Oh-ho-ho-ho, look who's all possessive!" she goaded.
Demyx was trying to keep his giggles inside as best he could.
"I'm not," he snarled. Why was Larxene so incredibly irritating of late?
"You are. And we know why, don't we Dem."
"Yeah," he squeaked.
"Don't you fucking dare start with me," Axel got through grit teeth.
"It's too late, baby doll. You're one hundred and ten percent -" Larxene began.
"In love!" Both her and Demyx finished.
Axel roarer and launched himself on top of his friends. He got them both into a headlock with each arm, but it didn't stop their laughing.
He fell back against the mattress, and took his two head-locked friends with him. Axel stared at his ceiling, and let go of them. In love. What a ridiculous notion. "I'm not." But Axel couldn't hold the same ferocity of denial in that statement like he once had done.
"You are, buddy." Demyx prodded Axel's arm.
"Your mom would be so proud that you're growing up to be a real boy," Larxene cooed.
"Doubt it. Just one more thing to disappoint her with."
"Eh, you're probably right. I could have mothered you better."
Axel huffed, "You did, actually." He didn't like to admit it too often, but his two best friends had gotten him through some really shit times in the past.
Both his friend settled next to him, and the three of them stared up in silence.
"So… " Demyx broke the quiet.
"So?"
"What's all this mean then?" Demyx turned his head to look at Axel on his left.
"It means nothing. Life will go on like it always has."
"What, you two just hook up all the time while Dem and me find ourselves other guys to screw?"
"Pretty much, yeah." It seemed perfectly fine and normal to Axel. As long as they lived together Roxas would be around to have fun with, in all possible meanings of that word.
"But what if Roxas gets himself a boyfriend?" Demyx mused.
Axel's stomach tightened. "Nothing. The three of us go back to doing what we've always done."
"Hey now! Wait a minute." Demyx sat up and poked a hard finger into Axel's chest. "Larx and I aren't here for your personal convenience. You can't just change your mind about us having sex whenever you want."
"Why not?"
" 'Cause that's not how life works, man. We're friends and all, but I know my life doesn't actually revolve around you. I want to find myself a nice man and settle down, and have a hoard of guinea pigs, that I can train to perform tricks. And then we'll get on a talk show, and I'll become famous for like a month, and it'll pay for me and my Mr. Right to go on a trip around the world."
"Who'll look after your guinea pigs?" Axel questioned.
Demyx was still gazing out the window all starry-eyed. "Oh we'll get a nanny. Maybe I'll even hire you to look after them, since you'll be sad and all alone."
Axel received a snide little smirk. He opened his mouth to say something in protest but Larxene cut him off.
"Dem is right. Probably better to stop messing around. I have other things I could be doing." She sat up and fixed her hair, which Axel had messed up in their earlier struggle.
"No, guys. What're you talking about?" Axel also raised himself. He didn't like where this was going.
"It's the end of an era. Time to grow up," Demyx lamented.
"And you can start by fessing up to Roxas," Larxene stated.
"No. He doesn't like me like that. He's just like you guys - in it for the sex."
The three of them looked at each other. Something felt off. "You… guys don't like me, right?"
Nothing was said, but inside Axel's head he was screaming, 'Holy shit'. "No, you guys don't. There's nothing to like."
"Whatever," Larxene dismissed and got up, straightening her clothes. "You know what your problems is?"
He cocked an eyebrow at her by way of reply.
"Sex is easy, love is hard. And when the going got tough you opted to choose the easy option; being an angry, selfish, hard-ass - instead of working to overcome things. And you love blaming everyone else for your failings." Her eyes pierced and she turned on a dime. "Good talk, Axel. If you ever call me again to come around for sex just know the answer is no, so don't even bother. Later, Dem." She waved, back still turned to them and left, slamming door shut in the process.
He stared after her, mouth agape and mind drawing a total blank. "What… what the hell?" Axel turned to Demyx for clarification.
"She has a point, ya know. You've never bothered or tried so hard like you have with Roxas. And we're your oldest friends, so I guess Larx is probably pissed off about that, because I think she's always been way more hung up about you than me," Demyx muffled as he cradled his chin in the palm of his hand.
Mind was still completely blank.
Demyx drew eyes off the doorway and onto Axel, who just stared. "Anyway, I think there's a lot more to like about you than you know. We wouldn't be friends with you for so long if you were completely horrible. Pretty sure Roxas wouldn't be putting up with your shit either if he didn't like you. And you two really were cute together. I think you should ask him out." Demyx gave Axel a pat on the shoulder and then also made to leave.
"You really think there's a chance he might like me?"
"Yeah. See you tomorrow."
Demyx's optimistic smile winded Axel. "Bye," he breathed out and then flopped back on his bed when he heard the front door open and shut again.
He wrestled with his thoughts for an unknown amount of time. How had the day ended up like this? He had called them over to break things off - because he wanted to be exclusive with Roxas - because he - loved? - liked? - loved Roxas? The thought brought a pained smile to Axel's lips. Was it okay to admit that to himself? Was it even true? He hadn't ever loved anyone. What was it even supposed to look like?
Axel thought about what Roxas had told him once - something about caring for someone - feeling sad when they felt sad - wanting them to be happy - and thinking about them a lot. Axel rolled over onto his side. He supposed all those points were true for how he thought and felt about Roxas. Yet it made him groan.
Was he okay with that? And why love? How had it even happened? What was there to love about the guy?
They liked the same stuff. They got on really well. Roxas smelt nice and the way his hair brushed against Axel's face always made him want to lean down and use Roxas like a cushion. And despite all his personal hang-ups, Axel like that Roxas got on with his family. It was nice to know not everyone had a shit upbringing.
He gazed, defocused, at his desk. But now his eyes sharpened and scanned across the wall, to where he still had Roxas' drawing and card framed.
Roxas had always been there, in some weird way. Roxas had believed in him, when he had felt that no one else did, and when he had almost completely given up on himself. Axel didn't want Roxas to think badly of him. He wanted to be liked by Roxas. He wanted to be loved by him. And that was such an irksome thing to have to admit to himself.
The sound of door opening filtered to his ears. A smile lifted the corners of his lips and elation bubbled in his chest. It was so natural, so automatic.
"Axel, I'm back. Did you have a good day?"
He didn't even question his body's responses to Roxas. Didn't question how his mind felt more at rest when Roxas was around, or why it felt so comforting to be next to him.
"Hey Rox," he sat up and called out to the room beyond. "I got some work done. You wanna watch anything?"
Roxas popped his head around the door, wearing a brilliant grin. That shit right there made Axel forget all about his friends, or his suspension, or his due dates. He felt better just seeing Roxas.
"I've got some things to do, but gimmie an hour and I'm all yours."
"Cool." Axel wished it were true.
Roxas had resigned himself to the fact that he had a thing for Axel. It helped tremendously with his time spent at his friends dorm. He sat with Sora, having no issues getting pounced by him, or seeing him and Riku being affectionate towards each other.
There came a point where he even admitted to Sora that he liked Axel a lot. After that time Sora and Riku kept insisting that he tell Axel. Roxas always chickened out, telling himself that it wasn't the right time, or he talked himself into being almost 100% certain that Axel really didn't have an interest in him, nor anyone else and never would.
And that kind of felt all right to Roxas. Because if he couldn't be in a relationship with Axel he could at least find peace in knowing no one else would either. And besides, what they were doing on a closer to nightly basis felt real and close enough to what Roxas wanted, that he willed himself to be okay with the arrangement.
But it was still difficult. He started feeling a little miserable every time he went home to be with Axel. Roxas didn't want to dig around for excuses to be close to him, but he still wanted hugs and pecks on cheeks. He wanted simple things - like seeing each other at the end of the day, or first thing in the morning. He wanted a relationship.
The closest he got to it was the cuddling they did on the sofa in the evenings, because of the chill. Axel had said he'd look into it and get the heating fixed. Roxas never bothered to harass Axel about it. He really didn't mind the cold if it meant heavy blankets on top, warm body pressed against his back, and warm arm draped over his waist. It was the ideal position after all.
They continued to watch TV shows - old and new alike. Roxas tried to be as available to Axel as possible, without it looking suspicious, or like he was forgoing other things which were important to him.
His friends invited him out? He went. Major projects were due? He locked himself in his room and knuckled down. On those latter occasions, Roxas was sometimes incredibly surprised to receive a knock on his door and, on opening, discovering that Axel had actually made them both dinner. It was even more miraculous that it was pretty edible, which Roxas loved pointing out.
Axel only became more lovable in Roxas' eyes with time. Which in turn made him more miserable. But at least he never caught sight of Larxene or Demyx, which he did inquire about.
"Well, Demyx has hooked up with a veterinary student from out of town. He's hoping it might actually be a serious thing he's getting into. And Larx," he shrugged. "She busy focusing on, and I quote, 'becoming a hard-ass businesswoman.' she bought herself a pant-suit last week. And she looks extra mean in it."
Roxas laughed at the mental image being conjured up. "So they're both busy?"
"Yeah."
"Is that okay with you? You've got nobody but me then?" he got out, rather tentatively.
"It's fine. Probably better this way anyway," Axel muttered.
That answer sent a thrill through Roxas. "Yeah? How?"
"You know, finals coming up and all. Less distractions."
"Ah." Roxas settled back down and returned his attention to television viewing.
Nothing but the rather muted sound of the television filled the space for a while, before Axel broke in, "How're you going with your friends?"
"Oh great. It's actually never been better," he smiled and quickly flicked his head around to look at Axel.
"Good to hear," but he didn't sound pleased.
The days continued on. The evenings hanging out never ceased. Warm blanket, even warmer body. Sweet touches. It was bliss, but it also burned unpleasantly. When they said good-night to each other Roxas felt miserable, and sometimes he couldn't hide it. It manifested itself in hunched shoulders and unseeing eyes when he watched television.
He was having one of these episodes when he was drawn out by arms squeezing around him and his name being spoken, softly.
"Rox."
"Huh?" He tilted his head up and around to look at Axel behind him and saw a frown.
"You okay?" was the concerned sounding inquiry.
"Yeah."
"No you're not. What's wrong?" Axel rolled Roxas over so they could look at each other.
"Nothing." He turned back around to the sound of a frustrated groan.
"Do you need me to get you some ice cream?"
That remark stung. Why was Axel so caring? Why did he remember something like ice cream cheering Roxas up? Yes, Axel had said once that the box of sea salt popsicles in the freezer was just there to placate Roxas if he was ever grumpy - but it was still a thoughtful and caring gesture.
Axel cared for Roxas - but he just wished so much that Axel cared about him the same way Roxas did for Axel.
Roxas was pulled out of his thoughts because Axel clambered over him.
"No, I don't want any."
"You're getting some anyway."
Roxas pulled the blanket halfway up his face to hide the smile.
Axel returned shortly with the frozen treat. Roxas took it with a, "Thanks," and unwrapped it while Axel repositioned himself on the sofa.
Roxas quietly consumed his treat, wishing Axel would be more of an asshole. He also wished he didn't find the man's touch - as fingers stroked his hip and abdomen - so enticing. The misery grew and by the time Roxas was finished he wanted to cry.
"Better?" Axel breathed against Roxas' ear.
"No. This isn't ice cream fixable. I told you I didn't want any," he got out around the wooden stick he was chewing on.
"But you ate it anyway."
Roxas heard the self-satisfaction in Axel's voice. "You love exploiting my weaknesses," he muttered.
Axel hummed his agreement against Roxas' ear, and then pressed a kiss and then another and another along Roxas' neck.
This was so ridiculous. How weren't they a couple already? Why weren't they a couple? Riku and Sora steered the conversation to that topic so many times. It always made Roxas extra gloomy, and tonight hadn't been an exception.
Roxas sat up, before he lost to the allure of the man behind himself. He stared ahead, really wishing he had been able to get into the television program so he had something to occupy his mind.
"Seriously, Rox. What wrong?" Axel sat up moments later.
Roxas was too much of a coward. His mind went to the only thing it could feasibly justify being curious about -
"Why don't I ever see your friends around anymore?'
Axel grumbled. "I already told you a couple of weeks ago. I'm not gonna repeat myself."
Roxas actually found the courage to turn to face Axel. "Then why haven't you gotten yourself some other people to fill the void?" He wanted to know. He wanted to hear the only wishful thing that made sense to him.
A strange mixture of emotions cycled across Axel's face. Something that looked like surprise, maybe even shock and confusion, and then settled into irritation. That one Roxas at least had little to no problem identifying.
"Why's it so important for you to know who's in my life?"
Axel's hostility actually felt like welcome relief from the far too ambiguous blissful existence they had been sharing together for almost half a year. "I don't care. Just making conversation."
Axel laughed without mirth. "If you don't care why are you asking all the time?"
Was he? Did he? "I'm not asking all the time. I haven't asked you in ages."
Facial features tensed. "Our understanding of ages is super different."
"Don't be an ass. I just want to know 'cause… maybe I worry about you a little. I know how important getting a fuck is to you, and since I'm not around so much - I just worry," he finished in a mutter.
Axel didn't soften. "Afraid I can't look after myself?"
"I just want you to have someone there for you."
There came a pause filled with nothing but the noise from the television and some huffing. "Why? Where are you going?"
Roxas blinked, taken aback. "N-nowhere."
"Then why're you spending so much time with your fuckbuddies?"
"They're -" he couldn't tell Axel.
"They're what, Roxas?" Axel snapped.
Roxas didn't appreciate the tone of voice or the glare. He felt miserable and irritated. Why did Axel have to be so nice? He should have always just stayed an asshole to Roxas, then he wouldn't be feeling this way right now.
That was the moment he decided he wanted to hurt Axel. Hurt him back the same way Roxas was hurting. "They're better at sex than you, and better friends too," he blasted, fists clenched tight.
"Well, how 'bout you move back in with them, if they're so fucking perfect and amazing?"
There was a massive rift between them, with each sitting on opposite ends of the sofa.
"Maybe I will. The less I see of you the better," Roxas spat back.
"Fuck you then." Axel launched off the sofa and disappeared into his room, leaving Roxas wide-eyed and with a racing heart.
His mind whirled. He sat frozen on the sofa, breathing hard. Roxas couldn't comprehend what just happened, but there was a strong sense of regret, and an ache in his chest. He wasn't sure what he should do. Lucky for him he didn't have to make a decision, because Axel stormed back out in a moment, wrapping coat around himself and heading for the door.
"Where're you going?"
"Out. Giving you your fucking wish of not having to look at me, 'cause that's the kind of amazing and thoughtful guy I am!" Axel slammed the front door shut behind himself.
He fumed as he stalked out of the university grounds, looking for somewhere to go. He had needed to get away from Roxas, and now he needed to not think about him. He headed straight for a bar.
It was dank and dim; a perfect reflection of his mood. The place was filled with other miserable people, all quietly drinking away. Axel found a spot at the far side of the bar, where he bunkered down with beer nuts, and order after order of whatever was cheapest, so he could drink lots of it.
On the way to this place his mind had been furiously racing. He had no idea what had happened. He had looked after Roxas with ice cream and cuddles. And then everything had gone to shit. Life in general was a fucking piece of shit. Every time he tried his best it seemed to backfire. His parents divorced - he let himself down - Roxas was too hung up about some shithead to see how awesome Axel was. It all stank.
Seeing Roxas moping around and miserable made him feel like shit. And it had been happening too much lately. It always seemed like the more Axel tried to cheer the guy up the worse he made Roxas feel, and he didn't get it. He had made him feel so good in the past, he was sure of it.
He slammed down glass after glass of piss disguised as alcohol. Each time glass hit the benchtop it served to punctuate and close off a crappy thought he was mulling over. He told himself he would keep this up until he had run out of thoughts. Alas, he ran out of cash first, so was left moping into the empty glass.
If his drinking session had served any purpose at all it had been to conclude that it was all Riku's stupid fault. Everything had gotten worse since Roxas started hanging out and banging his two best friends again. They were making things terrible for Roxas and Axel. That had to be the root cause of it. Axel decided then and there to sort them out. He fished around his pockets for some stray cash, found some, and ordered another drink. He slammed it down and marched himself, albeit somewhat wobbly, back to the dormitories.
Somehow he found his way to the offensive dormitory. And then he went on a knocking spree until someone knew who the heck he was after, and directed him towards the correct door. When he reached it he knocked furiously. "Open up! Open this fuckin' door!" he said for the umpteenth time.
It opened and Axel was relieved to see the target of his now diminishing rage. The stern look he received helped to reignite the fury he had held before all the wrong-door knocking had started.
"Are you drunk?" Riku said, ice in his voice.
"What I am ain't none of your business!" Axel pushed the door open and barged past Riku. He saw Sora get up from the sofa.
"Is everything all right, Axel?"
Sora somewhat simmered Axel's hot anger. Roxas didn't have a thing for him… but he was as much at fault as Riku for Axel's misery. "All right? All right!? No, everything's not all right. You with your - perfect hair and big teeth and smiles. Always smiling. - You don't know how lucky you are. You fucking shitheads are completely shitty and selfish. You've got each other, why you have to hog Roxas too?" He waggled his finger at the man in front of him.
Riku's voice pulled up from behind, "Roxas is just-"
Axel spun around, "No! You listen to me now. He's not a fucking just! He's so much more and you fucking asshole can't see that and you make him feel like crap all the time. I see it ya know! How sad he gets when he's with me - thinking about you."
"What're you talking about?"
Rage flared once more. "You fucking shit!" He went to punch Riku, but his body was slow and uncoordinated. How happened Axel had no clue, but the next thing he knew he was on the floor, with Riku sitting on him, looking down. "Get off," he struggled, writhing under the other man.
"Not until you calm down."
Calm down? How was he supposed to do that? "I'll calm down when you stop fucking with my friend. What's he even see in you? You're not better than me. You're lame, and you stink, and - your hair ain't even that great. I'm way more awesome. With my hair, and with the things we do together. What's he even do with you? We have way more fun. We -why can't he think about me like he thinks about you?" What had started as an energetic tirade tapered out into a mopey, timid whimper.
"What way's that?" Arms folded across chest.
Axel's fire was roused once more. He wanted to punch that smug look off his face and struggled against the heavy sack of shit atop of him. "He loves you, you asshole!"
"Do you love him?"
"None of your fucking business," he bellowed. Weight pushed down firmly on Axel as he struggled to free himself. He groaned and felt extra sick.
"Do you?"
"Of course! What's not to love about the dorky crybaby? But so what if I do? It's pointless. You take everything. He doesn't want me. It's all your fault. You took all his heart," he spat with venom. "He's got nothing left for me." Axel tried to lift his arm to punch Riku, but the limb felt too heavy and stayed glued to the floor.
"He doesn't love me. Not anymore." Riku looked up and got off.
"Bullshit! Why's he constantly moping around then?" Axel rolled over, hoping it would be easier to get up when on all fours.
"Ask him yourself."
"I tried. He got angry." Getting up onto knees was a struggle. The world spun and he only noticed that he was swaying when a hand fell on shoulder to steady him. He shrugged it off it. "Don't touch me, you asshole."
"You're the asshole, asshole."
Axel's head swiveled towards the voice, which made him dizzy again. All he saw was shoes, until he remembered to lift his head up. He was greeted with the sight of blond mop and blue eyes. "Roxas."
"Dickhead."
Axel squeezed eyes shut and on opening them again the world was a lot more stable. He hadn't hallucinated that voice or vision. It was Roxas. He looked like he had been crying. Eyes were shimmering and tinged with red. Face was pale and splotchy.
It hurt Axel to see, and made him angry. Some shit friends Roxas had. "Have these shitheads been making you cry?" He turned towards Roxas, wanting to touch his face, but feeling unable to. "I'm gonna beat them up for you, Rox. No one should make you cry," he grumbled and tried to stand.
"No, I'm not crying about them. You're a real dick," Roxas lightly brought his fist to Axel's head and tapped gently.
It made no sense. "Why'm I always seeing you cry?" he whined. Everything was foggy and thinking was hard. "I don't wanna, Rox. I wanna see your smile."
Roxas' face grew stern. Almost bitter. "C'mon, let's go home." Roxas wound an arm around Axel, helping him up.
Riku came to help as well, but Axel shoved him away. He leaned heavily on Roxas, wondering if his question had been answered as they started moving in a forward direction.
Goodnight's were said somewhere behind. Axel paid it no mind. Staying awake, not throwing up, and moving, were difficult enough and required all his attention.
With Roxas' help Axel lumbered back to their dormitory.
"Where'd you come from, Rox?" he ventured to ask when he felt able to pay attention to something other than his feet keeping him upright.
"I went over there when you left," he stated.
Panic squeezed his heart. "To move?"
"No… to cry," Roxas almost whispered.
"About me?"
Roxas didn't answer.
Axel opened his mouth to ask again but his head suddenly felt too heavy and he dipped down, nose smashing into Roxas' soft hair. He smiled and took a deep whiff, completely forgetting to be in pain. "You always smell so good, Rox," he murmured.
There was no response. There was only sound of the steady plodding of their feet against pavement. They continued to forge ahead, and somehow made it up the stairs.
Axel's head was still too heavy. Everything was in a fog, and nothing much mattered. His body ached and relief came when he landed on soft things. He felt something tugging at his legs and opened his eyes, which had fallen shut. Pants were tugged off and blanket thrown over him.
"We gunna have sex?" he muttered.
"No. There's a bucket next to your bed, dumbass."
"Why're you so cold to me?" he whinged and turned in the direction of the sound. There was only the dark silhouette of Roxas against the slightly lighter backing of the wall he stood before.
"Because you're an idiot."
"Am not," he protested.
"Are too." Roxas sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Why?" Axel strained his head to be able to look at Roxas' direction, even if he couldn't properly see him.
" 'Cause you think I like Riku."
"You're the idiot. I know you don't like him - you love him," he grumbled.
"I don't."
"Bullshit."
"It's not."
"Prove it then."
"You're wasted. I don't need to do anything you say." Roxas rose.
Despite all the alcohol his heartfelt pierced. "Yeah, I knew it. You can't prove shit."
A sigh seeped out of Roxas and he turned to leave.
"Rox, no. Don't go." Axel raised himself on elbows, with a straining groan.
"I'm tired, Ax. We'll talk in the morning."
Was Roxas leaving? "Please sleep with me?" That netted Axel a look over shoulder.
"I don't want you to be sick all over me. Plus you smell like a side alley."
"It's musk."
Roxas laughed a little. "Goodnight, Axel."
"No wait. A goodnight kiss. Can I have one of those? With a lot of tongue, and finish it off by telling me you love me."
Roxas stayed silent for something which felt like forever.
"C'mon, Rox," he coaxed.
"Why do you wanna hear that?" came the sullen response.
It had finally come to this point. Axel was so sick of holding it in. "Because I love you, and I can't fucking stand seeing you hung up and upset about fucking Riku. It's not fair! I know I wasn't the best friend to you ages ago, but I wanna be now. I want you to like me how you like Riku. I'll be an awesome boyfriend, I'll be an epic lover, I'll be your everything if you let me," he begged. He didn't want Roxas to go without knowing that before his liquid courage completely dried up.
The night's silence was deafening. Why was there always so much silence? "Roxas, say something!" he pleaded.
Roxas eventually gave Axel the much-needed reprieve of sound waves. "I can't like you how I like Riku."
It wasn't what he wanted to hear. "Why not?" he complained.
"Because I can't. Goodnight."
Roxas moved towards Axel, leaned down and left a kiss on his forehead. Exhaustion, coupled with huge disappointment, drained Axel and he slumped back against his mattress.
"Rox, no. Why can't you?" he whined.
Hand ran through his hair and he was rolled over to his side.
"If you gotta puke, aim for the bucket. I'm not cleaning up after you."
Again there was no answer, but Axel felt asleep close around him. "Night," he managed to mutter before passing out.
When Axel had just up and left, Roxas had been left absolutely gobsmacked. Sitting in the quiet of his dorm hadn't done him any good. The more he had thought about it the less he knew what they had fought about and why he had said the things he had said. The thing he had known for certain was that Axel irritated him. His thoughtfulness was sickening. It hurt every time they had a nice time together. Roxas had fumed for about half-an-hour before he had decided to go be with his friends. It had seemed like a better idea than being all alone.
Once he had arrived the floodgates had opened. He had managed to get out his story through wave after wave of sobs, while he was comforted with pats and shoulders to soak up his tears. When he had no more to tell and no more tears to give he had gone to the bathroom to wash up.
And then he had heard the pounding on the door and the angry shouts of a familiar voice. It had brought out a few more tears at first, but then they dried up as he had listened through the door. It had been amazing and… confusing.
He still felt the same way when he had tucked Axel into bed.
Roxas stared at his ceiling for a long while after Axel had fallen asleep. He hoped Axel wouldn't vomit and choke. Imagining him dying at this point… when Roxas was so close to actually having someone like him back… well it seemed like the worst might just happen, because he felt cursed sometimes.
He went and checked on Axel, too paranoid to sleep. Roxas found him lying on his side, hugging a pillow and looking adorable.
Axel had been drunk when he had said all that stuff. Maybe he wouldn't mean it in the morning. That's why Roxas hadn't been able to tell Axel what he had wanted to hear. At this point both of them could still deny everything.
Roxas stroked Axel's face, brushing hair aside. A smile spread across the sleeping face and Axel mumbled something which sounded vaguely like Roxas' name. Roxas really hoped everything he had heard out of Axel's mouth that night was true.
He went back to bed to await morning, and whatever else - hopefully amazing - the sunlight might bring.
A massive hangover was apparently the answer. Roxas rose to the sound of groaning and moaning from next door.
He stretched and tried to mentally prepare himself for Axel's denials. He tried not to get his hopes up as he finally rose and headed out to the kitchen, where he prepared toast and eggs for himself and Axel.
He ate his portion of the meal while he cooked Axel's and then walked the plate over to the other man's room.
"Morning, Axel," Roxas almost shouted.
Axel groaned and made a loud shushing sound while pulling a pillow over his head. " 'M dying, Rox. Keep it down," he muffled against the pillow.
Roxas put the plate down with a clatter, and Axel visibly winced.
"I made you breakfast, to help you get over all the embarrassing things you said last night."
Another groan sounded.
Roxas sat down and patted Axel's side. "There, there. I know you were plastered and that you didn't mean any of it. Except maybe your weird hair envy," he said thoughtfully. Roxas was willing to give Axel an out, and save himself a lot of heartache.
Axel stayed silent for a while, the only evidence of life being the rise and fall of blankets as he breathed. Roxas wondered if Axel had fallen asleep.
Quietly he spoke, "Don't forget to eat your breakfast." He made to get up but a muffled sound emanated from under the pillow, halting Roxas' movements. "What's that?" He pried the obstruction off Axel's face.
"I said you're annoying," came the grumble.
Roxas fought against the way his face wanted to frown as his stomach tipped upside down. "Right back at ya." He threw the pillow back against Axel's face and got up, moving towards the door.
"No, Rox. Don't go." Axel pleaded as pillow was discarded.
Roxas stilled and slowly turned around. "What's your problem with me?"
Axel groaned and raised himself on elbows. Intense stares were exchanged, until blood-shot green eyes broke away and eyed the plate instead. "I hate how touchy and sensitive you are. I hate how you look after me. I hate how thoughtful you are. And I really hate that you make me want to make an effort for you. But, despite all those big, massive flaws I still have lots of fun with you. And maybe I hate that most of all - that it's all worthwhile in the end." Lips turned up into a smile, eyes hesitantly returned to look at Roxas, and Axel stretched his arm out, palm up.
Roxas looked at the gesture, and then at Axel's face. He still felt confused, but certainty was creeping into the mix of intense emotions. He tried to hold the anticipated elation at bay as he did as beckoned. Walking back to the bed he slipped his hand into Axel's, whereupon he was pulled down gently. Roxas sat on the edge of the bed once more, while Axel clasped his hand and massaged over flesh with his thumb.
Axel didn't take his eyes off Roxas' hand as he spoke in a measured fashion, "I want the best for you. I worry about you and think about you when we're not together. I," he sighed, "feel like a pathetic loser without you - like I've got nothing good in my life, because I've been an asshole for such a long time. But when we're together I forget all that, because it feels good to not be an asshole to you. It feels good to watch you smile, and get obsessed with TV shows. And I even like that grumpy face you pull when I sometimes do something slightly irritating." Axel gave Roxas a shy smile, which broadened. "Yeah - that face right there," he laughed and then winced. "Ow. God I feel sick."
Roxas' heart was in his throat. He squeezed Axel's hand a little. "Bucket's still here if you need it," he said, voice scratching as his mouth had suddenly dried up.
Smile returned, "I love the way you care, even for a big idiot like me." Another sigh followed. "I don't know why you put up with my shit. But I love you for it, Roxas Barton. I don't ever wanna make you cry again. But if I do, I wanna be there for you to tell me what a dick I am, and I wanna cook you fish curry and make you feel better. I never felt it before, but I feel it for you now, Rox. I love you and I want us to be together. Just us. No distractions. No pretending like I have eyes for anyone else but you. You've been on my mind so much. I just want you in my life, Rox."
Roxas was officially blown away. He wasn't sure what to say or what the next step was.
He wasn't left much time to fill the void however. Axel, frowning at the breakfast plate, mumbled, "And I can't stand the thought of us living together but not being together. I wanna be your boyfriend, Rox. I want you to let me love you. 'Cause I think I might actually be able to do it and not be a fucking disappointment."
Joy bubbled and rose, almost choking him. "I already know your fucking is far from disappointing." Roxas gave Axel a hopefully encouraging quirk of lips as green eyes drifted to look at him.
Axel chuckled a little. "Thanks Roxas," he breathed out.
Roxas' heart pounded fiercely. It had been true. He took a deep breath and pushed Axel back down against the bed, with lips locked. He forced his tongue into Axel's mouth but withdrew shortly after.
Roxas made a face and blew a raspberry. "God, you taste gross."
"Like a trash heap?"
"Trash heap of turds."
A slight chuckle and a, "Sorry," followed.
Roxas leaned in again, kissing him once more with an open mouth, but this time for longer. "Lucky for you I actually love this trash heap," he said as he pulled off him.
Green eyes stared widely at him. "You do?"
"Yeah. I like being around you. I don't even mind crying in front of you anymore."
"Yeah?"
"Mhmm. Because I know you'll take care of me. I can trust you, and you make me way happier than miserable."
Axel exhaled and his shoulders relaxed as tension seemed to leave his body. "But - then what's with you and Riku? Why're you always over there and coming home sad?"
"I go over there because they're my friends, and because I needed a timeout from you."
"From me?"
"Yeah. And not even in that way. I haven't had sex with anyone but you."
"Huh? Really?"
"Mm. And you know, I haven't liked Riku in a while now," Roxas clarified and ran his hand over Axel's face, pushing hair out of eyes. "I stopped liking him when I started liking you. And - you know," Roxas shrugged, "Your hair is way more amazing, so how couldn't I?"
A warm smile spread across Axel's face and infected Roxas as well. They both laughed a little before Roxas was pulled down against Axel's warmth, and kisses were pressed into hair.
"I love you, Roxas."
Every time he heard those words his body tingled. Disbelief also fluttered around the outskirts of his mind. "You really do, yeah? You're not just saying all of this stuff for… fun or something, right?"
Axel pulled Roxas away a little so they could look at each other. "I mean it. And you wanna know a secret?"
"No," Roxas gave a small smile and sniffled. He could feel himself tearing up, though for a different reason now.
"Well tough. The fact is I think about you all the time. I get sickly sentimental. I don't want any bad shit to ever happen to you. The only thing I can put that down to is love." He wiped the tear away which ran down Roxas' cheek. "Sorry for making you cry again."
Roxas kissed Axel's face. "It's the good kind for once. I love you too, Axel. I want you to be my boyfriend."
An arm wound around Roxas and squeezed his side. "Deal. You got yourself an exclusive relationship with the one and only Axel. You wanna make out? To seal it and make it all official like?" Axel batted eyelashes and rubbed his face against Roxas'.
Roxas laughed and pressed more kisses to skin, "I do… but you're fucking gross right now. Eat and have a shower first."
"So much for unconditional, huh," Axel gave an obviously fake pout.
"I'll love you into forever. But certain conditions do apply for physical intimacy. Like, one - you don't smell and taste like a trash heap."
Axel pursed lips and squinted. "You sure you're not a trash-panda in disguise?"
"Pretty sure."
"Spoilsport."
Roxas thumbed over one of the tattoos and then trailed a finger down to where the nipple ring lay hidden, tweaking it slightly. "But I do like cleaning up. Maybe I should help you in the shower?"
Pleasure melted away, giving rise to excitement. "Yeah. I need some Roxa in my time of need."
"Okay. You eat your breakfast and then we'll clean up the trash."
Multitude of kisses were left on cheeks and toast was consumed at record speed.
The End
Author Notes - I hope you enjoyed this story. Please be kind and leave a review letting me know what you thought of and felt about this story. Feedback gives me life.
If you'd like to see more from me I'd recommend finding me on Archive of Our Own under the handle cream_pudding. I post there more prolifically.