A/N: Wow! You like me! You really like me! I hope you really like this chapter! Please let me know your thoughts! I wrote this all very quickly because of all the interest this has stirred up! I'm very happy!

CHAPTER 12 – The Bacterial Transformation Digression

Penny sat across from Bernadette in the Szechuan Star. Immediately Bernadette could see that Penny had some news.

"You look like you're ready to burst at the seams!" Bernadette exclaimed in her squeaky high voice. "What happened? Are you and Leonard official now?"

"Oh, it's nothing like that," Penny asserted, gesturing dismissively with a hand. "It's much better."

"What's what?"

"Sheldon and Amy had sex!"

"You're joking," Bernadette muttered, squinting suspiciously at the taller blonde woman. "That's impossible."

"Not any more," Penny said with a big smile. "Sheldon admitted to it to everyone, and he showed an abnormal level of ickiness and regret, which confirmed it to me. And Amy now wants to end it with him. Perfectly normal reaction to losing one's virginity."

Bernadette blinked with surprise several times in a row, playing with her menu without actually reading it.

"Are you sure it was Amy who wants to end it now? That makes no sense," Bernadette admitted.

"Trust me, it makes perfect sense," Penny said with a knowing look. "It's because she wanted to do it again and he didn't. So he sort of forced her hand into wanting to end it."

"Wow. So when will she be breaking up with him?"

"Oh, that reminds me. I'm surprised she hasn't called me back. She sent me a text earlier. Lemme just follow up on that real quick."

Suddenly Amy's phone burst forth into Kim Carnes' "Betty Davis Eyes," nearly causing Sheldon to trip over his own feet.

"Ugh, what is that awful racket?" Sheldon remarked, attempting to regain his composure. He quickly took a seat on Amy's couch in an attempt to hide his brief lack of balance.

"It's Penny's ringtone," Amy admitted. "I recently discovered this tune while at the Cheesecake Factory. It fits her to a T, I think. For one, her hair is the epitome of Harlow gold and—"

"Just—make it stop," Sheldon groaned, grimacing with displeasure. Amy dug her phone out of her purse and answered the call.

"Hello bestie," Amy said.

"Hey Amy. What are you up to?" Penny replied.

"I'm here. With Sheldon," Amy said, her voice falling to a near-whisper. Sheldon shot the phone a look of annoyance.

"I saw your text. Are you going to… you know?"

"We are attempting relationship probation, as it were," Amy replied. "I should resume the conversation I was having with Sheldon," she added. "I'll talk to you later."

"Alright," Penny replied. "Good luck."

Amy turned off the phone completely and placed it beneath the couch.

"I'm all ears," she said to Sheldon, folding her hands like a choirgirl and looking at him, her eyes sparkling. Sheldon could only sigh with frustration.

"The relationship agreement specifically addresses the exchange of personal and/or intimate intra-relationship information with third-parties," Sheldon explained. "And it expressly forbids them."

"What relationship agreement?" Amy countered, raising an eyebrow in challenge. "I know not of this 'relationship agreement' you speak of."

It took at least sixty seconds for the implications of Amy's statement to sink into Sheldon's brain. When he made a face of distaste she knew he understood.

"Woman, you drive a hard bargain," Sheldon muttered. "Fine. Divulge at will. Just don't be surprised if you get some poor advice in response."

"But we digress. The book," Amy said, pointing at Sheldon's lap. "Explain to me the birds and the bees."

Sheldon blanched as he stared at the sex book which sat atop his thighs. Since his appointment by Amy Farrah Fowler to teach her such folly, he had strongly desired any form of distraction to avoid this moment and that moment had come suddenly and loudly and had gone. Amy quietly sat next to him, her smile wider than Sheldon had ever seen it. She looked much like a jack o' lantern with peach skin, brown hair and glasses and sat so near to him that he could feel warmth emanating from her heavily clothed skin. Just the thought of her active sweat glands remaining so close to him during such a task made him sweat profusely.

He stared down at the first page before him with a picture of a woman and a man holding hands. Text to the left of the hand-drawn image described the process of courtship. Suddenly Sheldon knew what he had to do. That being, paraphrase. Spit erupted from his mouth as he pronounced excessively guttural sounds.

"Cha' moj wa'…"

"No Klingon," Amy said with a frown, crossing her arms and shaking her head forcefully. "Notwithstanding that it is in fact a made-up language, I cannot abide it because I don't understand a word of it."

"What do I even see in you?" Sheldon muttered, shutting the book. She frowned and he followed up. Relationship probation was nothing to fool around with. "Right—bazinga."

"Sheldon. English. Please," Amy requested, looking downright perturbed.

"Sorry, I simply forgot that some of us aren't bilingual," he remarked, arrogance in his voice. "But I digress."

Amy rolled her eyes, clearly agitated.

"You certainly do digress."

"Right. Well, reading this book earlier made me realize something about the Animal Kingdom. If you think about it, no other kingdom, as numerous as its members and as diverse and specialized as they all are, has utilized coitus as a means of reproducing. Bacteria, protozoans, chromista, plants, and fungi—these kingdoms have existed for millions of years and still do without the need for coitus and all that it entails."

"You forget that I'm a biologist; you need not instruct me on phylogenic classification," Amy murmured, peering at him over the top of her glasses. "And I'm sure that information isn't in this book." Already Sheldon was attempting to argue against the act that she so wanted to experience at least once in her short life.

"Fine," Sheldon muttered. "But I'll have you know that bacteria really know where it's at. They are closer to superheroes than we humans will ever be."

"Why do you say that?" Amy questioned.

"Transformation," Sheldon said with a giddy smile. "When a bacterium dies or voluntarily gives up plasmids containing, for example, resistance genes to antibiotics, another nearby bacterium can simply take up that information and incorporate it into itself, thereby gaining powers at will. No emotions, no confusion, just the free exchange of skills and information."

With that he sat quietly with a pleased little smile on his face.

"That's all well and good, but when are you going to address that book in your lap?" Amy requested. "I would appreciate your not deviating from the task at hand."

Amy couldn't help but watch Sheldon as he looked down at the book, clearly hesitant to address the existence of it. He said nothing and appeared to be considering something very deeply.

"Would you bring me a hot beverage?" Sheldon suddenly requested.

"But you aren't upset," Amy replied.

"Huh, and I thought I was the one who had problems deciphering human emotions," he bemoaned. "Your forcing me to stay on task with this banal book is making it impossible for me to assert my intelligence about a wide range of topics."

"I'm not getting you a hot beverage," Amy stated. "If you can't teach me the ins and outs of coitus, I suppose I'll just have to learn from my bestie. Actually, I could also learn from Howard, Leonard, or Bernadette—hell, probably even Stewart—and be just as infor—"

"Ugh, fine, fine," Sheldon replied, his voice wavering in spite of himself. He placed his hand on the tome, cringing at he did so. "The book."

With that, Sheldon opened the book once again to the page with a man and woman holding hands. Red hearts erupted around their heads. Amy held her breath. What would he say? Would she finally understand what made him behave so differently than the standard male human?

"The crudely drawn picture before you is of a man and woman holding hands," Sheldon began, using his finger to indicate the image. "The illustrators felt obligated to attempt to explain the nature of this interaction because it is not intuitive enough to understand why two people should voluntarily touch. In their uneducated crania, these art school laypeople attempted to justify this action with the usage of hearts."

"You've explained the picture quite thoroughly; thank you, Sheldon," Amy said, rolling her eyes. Sheldon didn't pick up on her use of sarcasm.

"You're welcome," he stated with a big smile. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the hearts. I can forgive the illustrators of this book for not realizing that it is in fact nothing of the heart that draws these two people to rely solely on physical interaction to maintain their happiness. It is hormones, which of course drive the baser urges of our species, which happens to be the urge to reproduce. You can understand the inherent difficulty in illustrating such small quantities of endocrine gland secretions."

With that he produced a little wheeze-like laugh.

"Can we move on to the next page?" Amy requested. "I think we've spent long enough waxing poetic about hand-holding."

"Is the student supposed to tell the teacher what to do?" Sheldon said, raising an eyebrow.

In any other case, this bit of role-play talk would have caused quite a pulsation in Amy's loins, but in the context of writing hand-holding off as primitive and hormonal, it annoyed her.

"In this case, yes. We are going to move on now," she replied.

"Fine," Sheldon said, turning the page. The two people were now kissing, their arms wrapped around each other. He made a very brief face of distaste before composing himself.

"Notice how the two humans exchange saliva," he said, pointing at the page. "This exchange of body fluids is derived from the act of anus-sniffing by canines. It is a method of determining MHC compatibility and a strong immune system in the prospective mate. Thus, one can predict if one's offspring will be robust. If not, the process is repeated with many partners. Heaven only knows why Penny hasn't moved on from Leonard, who even from a distance is strongly predicted to produce stunted, myopic offspring."

"How is it you came to know about MHC compatibility and immunity?" Amy questioned, raising an eyebrow. "Have you been reading up on kissing?"

"Being a physicist encompasses the entire universe," he replied without skipping a beat. "Is MHC compatibility not part of the universe?"

"It's part of my universe," Amy responded resolutely. "Not yours. I figured you to discuss the physics of a kiss, if anything."

"It's rather simple, is it not?" he said. "It's the exchange of saliva. The union of slightly parted lips."

"But we've never exchanged saliva," Amy replied. "And yet, we've kissed. How do you explain that?"

"It is true that I know nothing of our MHC compatibility," Sheldon admitted, "but I'm not looking to produce offspring with you."

Amy let out a long sigh and stared off into the distance at the very matter-of-fact statement that had left Sheldon's lips. She felt her heart sink deep into her chest and realized that this pursuit was in vain. To his mind, Sheldon could not see reproduction in their future and thus could feel no physical attraction to her.

"Oh." The sound escaped her lips, the word thick and falling in pitch. She could only stare unblinkingly at the wall, her brain loudly instructing her lacrimal glands to retain their contents. Damn, the truth sure did hurt.

Sheldon began speaking again without addressing the hurt he had caused her. Amy stood up, still refusing to look in Sheldon's direction.

"Where are you going?" Sheldon queried. "Are you going to get me a hot beverage?"

Amy sucked in her breath to prevent the retort that was loaded on her tongue. As she did so, she took a tentative step away from the couch. Suddenly a hand grabbed hers and pulled her back in the vicinity of the couch.

A/N: Yes, there's some angst; sorry about that! Please review!