Chapter 11

Time was against them. Just as they had fallen into the routine of seeing each other in Jon's room every night, the time eventually came when King Robert Baratheon was at their gates. All of Winterfell lined the streets to greet him and his traveling companions. Jon took his place by Robb's side and he watched anxiously. Where would he be this evening? His hand rested at his side with Robb's hand lightly touching his. The touch was so casual that no one could think anything of it. He listened as Catelyn fussed with Sansa and Arya and Bran openly pointed out everyone he had heard of. "There's the Hound! And that's Meryn Trant!"

Seeing the King was an odd sight. He weighed far more than Jon was expecting, and his friendship with Eddard was immediately apparent. There was no question as to why Robert wanted Eddard by his side. It was this friendship, however, that was ruining everything Jon had hoped for. Because of the closeness between the two, everything was going to change with no way of knowing what to expect. He shouldn't be angry, but every time Jon looked at Robert he was filled with distaste. Robb appeared awkward during this entire ordeal, no doubt thinking the same things as Jon.

King Robert announced his desire to go to the crypts to see Lyanna and the troupe was shown the way to the stables and guest towers. Jon and Robb looked at one another for a moment, unsure where to go. Just as Jon was about to speak, Theon appeared behind them. He had been surprisingly accepting of their relationship and had kept his word by not saying anything, but he remained ever so curious about them. "I expect we'll have quite the welcoming feast this evening," he said. Jon's face noticeably fell. "Surely with all of the festivities Catelyn won't notice every face, right Snow?"

"They'll only be here just a few days…." Robb tried to think of what he would say to his mother if she were to have an issue with Jon's presence. Just has he had spoken, Catelyn approached them, looking as stern as ever at the sight of Jon.

She faced Robb. "I expect you'll be presentable for our guests this evening?"

"Lady Catelyn." Theon nodded at her and her eyes glanced over him.

"Surely we won't all be entertaining the lot of them." Robb didn't bother to hide the annoyance in his voice.

"I don't like them being here any less than you, but it would be rude to not appear well in front of our guests." She half smiled at him. Jon looked anywhere but at her, knowing full well that she wasn't going to address him.

"And how much of this shall I endure until it is acceptable to excuse myself?" Robb huffed.

"You will do as any Lord would, of course." Her eyes were kind even through the commanding tone of her voice. Just a she turned to leave her eyes passed over Jon, and they remained on him long enough to produce an unwelcoming scowl.

"I get the feeling that she will notice I'm there even with a sheet over my face," Jon grumbled. The three of them started toward inside without another word.

Robb met with Jon outside his bedroom door with the plan of walking down to the feast hall together. They had both dressed into handsome tunics with dark trousers thinking that to be formal for the King who clearly did not care about his surroundings unless you happened to be a young female. Jon rubbed his palms against his side and silently noted how sweaty he was from nerves. Not being allowed to dine with Robb would paint him as an embarrassment, though he didn't really desire spending time around the King.

The halls were alive with excited voices, and every torch was happily burning to light the whole castle. Although he had never seen King's Landing, Jon thought that even all of this would be nothing like a feast in the Red Keep. As they approached the front door to the hall, they noticed Eddard and Catelyn standing at the front to greet the guests as they wandered in. Jon stopped. "She isn't going to let me in, Robb."

"Father is there. He won't let her do that to you." Robb failed to reassure himself even with this.

"But what if-"

"Robb, my boy! It's about time." Eddard had on a large grin and he moved to Robb, patting him on the shoulder and steering him toward the door.

"I don't think so." Catelyn's eyes narrowed at the sight of Jon.

"I see no issue with Jon dining with us, mother." Robb tried to adopt a more assertive tone.

"We are serving the King and I will not insult him like this."

Jon stood a few feet away and chose to say nothing. He looked at Robb desperately, but he understood his lack of power in this situation.

"Jon…" Eddard removed his hand from Robb's shoulder and came toward him. He lowered his voice, so that only the two of them could hear him. "I want to avoid as much argument as I can and there's just no convincing her." He sighed. "You'll still get your meal, of course."

"Right. I'm not a Stark."

Eddard stood awkwardly next to him and he nodded.

"It's not my place to argue. I'll be going then." Jon slipped away before Eddard could say anymore, and he headed back the way he came without seeing the look of pain on Robb's face.

Jon went to sit outside of the castle. He watched the snow fall as the sky become more and more dark, and the voices within the castle became louder with every moment. He hadn't wanted to eat anything, and not even the scent of well-cooked boar wafting through the air tempted him. He wondered if he should just head back to his bedroom and wait for Robb, far from the sounds of laughter he was now despising.

"What brings you out here?"

Jon looked up at the sound of the voice to see his uncle Benjen coming toward him, his arms outstretched. "Uncle!" Jon smiled and stood to hug him. "What are you doing here?"

"I've permission to come see your father before he heads south. He sent me a raven with the news. Why aren't you celebrating with the rest of them?" He looked concerned.

"Lady Catelyn thought my presence might insult the royal family." Jon didn't bother to hide the disgust in his words.

"Ah, now that's not right…." He glanced up as if he could see her through the stone walls.

"I've actually been wanting to talk to you, uncle."

Benjen stepped back to look at him fully. "Of course, boy, what about?"

"What's it like to take the Black?"

"Jon, you don't plan on moving to Castle Black, do you? No, a boy your age, you have so much more you could be doing."

"I don't. I can't even sit with my own family. Everyone knows the Wall is the only real place for a bastard!"

"Listen to me, Jon." Benjen shook his head. "The Wall is a place for thieves, rapers, men with nothing else. That's not the place for you."

"But I want to go and be a ranger, like you. You have a purpose with that. I have no purpose here." Jon pleaded with him.

"And you think your father will be happy to hear that? You belong here at Winterfell."

"There is honor in what you do. There's no honor in being the bastard at Winterfell."

Benjen sighed and took Jon's shoulders. "What you're saying is a life-time commitment. You know the law. You don't just choose to take the black just because there's nothing else to do with your time. I want more for you."

"I want to go with you. Please, if you ask father…"

A silence passed between them, in which Jon thought of Robb. And then Benjen spoke. "I will speak with your father."

"Thank you, uncle. That's all I want."

Benjen patted him on the shoulder and headed for the door. "Get inside soon, you look frozen out here." Jon nodded and watched him disappear inside the castle.

The next voice he heard was unexpected. "Are you serious, Snow?"

"Theon." Jon turned to see Theon lurking nearby, nearly invisible in the darkness with his dark cloak. "You aren't at the feast."

"I'm a Greyjoy," he replied without a thought. "Are you truly considering the Wall?"

"You heard everything, did you?" Jon sat down on the snowy ground, not caring about appearances in front of Theon.

Theon joined him on the ground. "What about Robb?"

"What about him?"

"If you take the black, you may never see him again."

Jon held back tears as best as he could, but he failed. A few broke through, and they felt hot as they ran down his chilled face. Breaking down in front of Theon was not what he had planned to do, but he did. "This is all I can do. We were never meant to be together."

"Look, Snow. I'm not good at this sort of thing. But there's no denying that you love him, and he sure as hell loves you."

Jon chocked on a sob. "Loving him is the only thing I know. But I can't sit out in the cold forever."

"It's deathly cold at the Wall, you know."

"Are you trying to change my mind?"

"To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing. And neither do you. You're going to miss him."

Jon didn't respond. The tears continued to flow down his face, and he desperately tried to convince himself that this is what was best for both of them. Robb had to understand. There was no way they would be able to continue everything forever. Jon needed to have a rightful place in this world where he could make a better name for himself, and Robb needed to be where he was born to be. The love between them would never die, but it needed to rest before it was shattered beneath the weight of their lives.

"You really should get inside."

Jon shut his eyes and nodded. He would light the small fire in his bedroom and wait for Robb, and then both of their hearts would break.

When you dread something it always manages to make time move twice as fast. Jon sat on his bed facing the fire, and he went over and over in his head what he would say to Robb. But every time he imagined Robb's reaction, he could feel his heart pulling downward. He felt like he'd be sick and wouldn't be able to say anything at all. The inevitable small knock sounded on his door, and he took a little longer to answer than normal.

Robb stood in the doorway, his eyes red as if he had just finished crying. Jon silently let him inside and shut the door behind him. When he turned around, he saw Robb simply standing in front of the fire staring at him, his eyes glistening as if he may break down any second.

"I heard uncle Benjen speaking with father."

Jon felt a tug on his heart. "Did you?" His voice was small.

"I didn't know you were serious about the Night's Watch."

"It only makes sense, Robb." He raised his hand to touch Robb's cheek, but Robb pulled away.

"What did everything mean to you?" There was no use fighting back the tears. Robb was visibly hurt, and he raised his voice through his sobs. "You're perfectly fine with leaving all of this?"

"That's not it!" Jon panicked. "You have to realize what's happening around us, and we can't keep pretending it's not real!" Jon's lip trembled and he tried to touch Robb again.

"He said you can go, you know. Father did." Robb stepped back again. "You haven't even given me a chance to fight for you, and now you're going to leave."

"Robb… I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm doing this because I'm a bastard, and you're a Lord, and sitting aside waiting for something that will never happen is killing me."

Robb lifted his hands to cover his eyes as his sobs took him. Jon cautiously wrapped his arms around him, and he felt more tears on his own face. They stood there in the embrace for a few moments, the only sound being the fire mixed with their hard cries. After they had more control over themselves, they pulled back slightly to look at one another.

"I love you, Robb. I love you more than you could ever know. And I wish I could wake up from this reality we're in, but the world is changing around us. This love for you will give me strength and courage forever, but it can't make us fools."

"Being a fool is the best thing that's ever happened to me." Robb traced Jon's lower lip with his thumb.

They held each other until dawn, indulging themselves in the other's scent. Morning threatened the end of their intimate nights, and both were reluctant to let go of the other. When Robb could no longer feel Jon in his arms, a sudden coldness enveloped him, leaving him with an empty stillness where his heart should have been. Jon would leave with Benjen by midday, as Benjen had only been permitted so much time away from the Wall.

Winterfell remained cheerful with memories of the previous night fresh in the air. The castle hadn't seen such a feast in quite some time, and having the King within the walls had spread good spirits, even with the thought of winter coming a looming thought. The joy was lost on Robb, and putting on a good face was extremely difficult. He avoided every encounter that was not absolutely necessary, and from a distance he watched as Jon prepared to leave. Their eyes met, and every painful thought and feeling was said in that gaze. When he finally looked away, Robb had to find the nearest secluded area to hide his sadness.

When it was finally time, Robb walked with Jon down to the stables. His vision was dark around the edges, as if he were walking through a dream. "We will see each other again," he said, his voice unstable.

"We will." Jon looked at him fiercely, as if to emphasize these words.

Robb dropped his voice. "I'm going to miss you, Jon."

"I'll never stop loving you." He looked around to be sure they were alone, and then he leaned forward to press his lips against Robb's. They met softly, and a sudden warmth shot through Robb. He kissed back sweetly, savoring the moment. All too soon they pulled away, and Robb walked with Jon as he steered his horse out of the stables. Robb glanced back to where he had once kissed Jon violently, and in that glance he knew that Jon's memory would forever surround him.

Once within earshot of Benjen and his father, Robb knew they could no longer say all the things they were thinking. He didn't know when he'd feel Jon's lips again, or when he'd hear his confession of love. But he knew he would see him again. "When I see you again you'll be in all black."

"It was always my color," replied Jon. He nodded at Benjen and said his goodbyes to Eddard. When he turned back to Robb, he was welcomed with a strong embrace. Robb flung himself at Jon and gripped him tightly, not wanting to let go. When they pulled back, Robb locked eyes with Jon one last time, letting every ounce of love for him shine in his eyes.

"Ready boy?" Benjen called from his horse.

Robb turned from Jon and quickly stepped back. A wave of despair hit him, spreading the cold emptiness throughout his body, and he couldn't take it. He ran back to the castle, not seeing Jon's pained face as he watched him run. As he ran he felt the familiar hotness on his face, the lonely tears flowing freely.

Once in his bedroom, the door firmly locked behind him, he collapsed to the floor. I didn't get to tell him everything. He rocked back in forth, holding himself and letting the waves of sadness pull at him, tearing him apart from within.

Many moments passed. The sky grew dark and he hadn't bothered to eat anything. Without a word, he grabbed a bit of parchment and an inkwell, and as his fire illuminated his room in a soft orange glow, he began to write.

Jon,

I should have left with you. We should have made a world of our own. But we didn't.

I want you to know that without you I'm an empty shell. Loving you is the only thing that will move me. I fought with this love for so long that I don't want to deny it. I wish I had told you sooner.

I'll always think of you. I'll always remember your touch, your voice, your softness.

And when I see you again, I will fall to my knees and beg you to never leave again.

With everything that I am and everything I will be, I love you.

I, Robb Stark, love you, Jon Snow.

Robb looked over the words he had written. And when he was satisfied with it, he threw it into the fire in front of him, letting it turn to ash.

End

…

I'm sorry if I broke anyone's heart just now. I had planned for it to end like this from the beginning.

If you would like me to write a oneshot based on an idea of yours, I will do so! Feel free to message me here or on my tumblr page: danielbatskulls dot tumblr dot com.

There isn't enough fanfiction for this ship so I'm open to creating more.