THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO THESE TOPICS, DO NOT READ.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World

Lucas leaves not long after that, saying he had to be back before his mom notices his absence. Placing one last kiss on my cheek, he crawls out the window and ventures down the fire escape leaving me alone to my thoughts.

I wasn't lying to him. I'm, I'm going to get help, and I'm going to get better and I won't kill myself and we'll be okay. Everything will be okay. But why, why does it feel like it's only gonna get worse from here?

Not feeling like thinking anymore, and just plain out exhausted, I sit down by the window and look out over the NYC skyline.

My thoughts start to travel back to the altercation with Missy and her pals. I know I should have told Lucas, or someone about what happened. But if I tell Lucas, he might to something terrible. His temperament is like a dam. It takes a lot to break it, but when it bursts, there's damage done. Looking back to the past, the only time I really ever saw Lucas get really angry, was when someone was insulting or trying to harm his loved ones. I'm his girlfriend now, and I can only imagine what he would do if he knew what Missy did.

I could tell Riley, but I don't wanna involve her in this. She's still pure and innocent, why ruin it? I could tell Farkle, but he wouldn't be able to do anything. He's the one that's gets protected, he doesn't do the protecting. Maybe I can tell Mr. Matthews, but what proof do I have? I didn't bother picking up the papers, I was too upset to even think about it. I just wanted to die. I guess I can try, but Missy has a lot of power and I doubt it'll get anywhere besides making my situation worse with her.

I sigh as I stand up, deciding to at least try. I'd try and go after her myself, but then everyone will ask why I did that and blah, blah, blah. At least if I tell Mr. Matthews, something might possibly be done. Which is better than letting it continue and just get worse.

I walk down to the living room to see them all at the table chatting. Before I lose my nerve, I thought and cleared my throat. All heads turned to me and I feel like a deer caught in headlight. "Mr. Matthews? Can I... can I speak to you for a second? Privately."

They all exchange looks, before he nods, "Sure, Maya."

Riley and her mom got up and left and I took Riley's seat at the table. We sit there for a few minutes, he waits for me to say something, I try and think of something to say. "You... I um..." Forming words is hard, and I feel like crying again. "Today, after school, I went to go to my locker to get my stuff. Missy and her... people were there, just huddled around it. When I opened my locker..." My hands are starting to tremble and I am trying not to break down right now. I'm tired of breaking down today. "When I opened my locker, a bunch of notes fell out. I tried ignoring them, but.. they wouldn't let me."

I avoid his eyes, I don't want to see what's behind them. Everyone won't stop looking at me with pity and they need to stop. "What did they say, Maya?" I hear him ask gently, and I don't even have to look at him to feel his sympathy. I don't need it. I don't want it. It makes me feel even more broken than I already am. I don't say this aloud. No, I'm too weak for that. Instead I tell him what the notes say.

"That I should kill myself."

It takes a while for Mr. Matthews to respond, and for a moment I didn't think he heard me. "What did they say?"

"That I should kill myself, no wonder my mom wants to kill herself, and a whole bunch of other bullshit that really hit home... I just, just thought I should tell you."

"Is this the first time this happened? Her harassment of you, I mean."

"Missy harasses everyone, Mr. Matthews. I just happen to be her target as of lately, probably because I'm dating Ranger Rick and she's... I dunno, I guess she's still into him from 7th grade."

He takes a moment to reply, and that's when it occurs to me we hadn't told anyone we were actually dating besides Riley and Farkle. "...I will, talk to Mr. Friar later. Right now we'll deal with Missy. She bullies everyone?"

"Just about, yeah." I responded, choosing to ignore his comment about my cowboy.

"Okay," he sighed, before grabbing my hand. "Look Maya, is what she said... are those notes the reason..."

I tensed, because in a way, they were. But the reality is, it was bound to happen either way. Something was going to happen to push me to that breaking point eventually. "In... a way. I'm not gonna say it was entirely her actions that pushed me to do that, but they played a part."

I figure, if I'm gonna get help, I might as well start being honest with the way I feel from the get-go with people who want to help me. And starting now, I will be.

"Do you know, what else... played a part?"

I hesitate before nodding. "Me. I mean, obviously, but like..." I don't exactly know how to explain it, why I want to die. How can anyone pinpoint their exact reason as to why they want to end their own life? In my experience, there's never just one reason. It's the combination of a million different things. I don't quite know what to say, but explain to him how I've been feeling. "I just... I think I hit the point in life, where I'm just done. I cried, I fought, I tried, but everyday is just a never ending struggle to silence the voices in my head, to get up, to breathe and I'm tired of everything and the only way out for me was killing myself. Nothing else stops the... pain. Not..." I almost don't say it. I almost don't tell him I hurt myself. But I do, because I'm tired of lying too. "Not cutting, not drinking, not smoking, not music, or drawing... nothing. And when you can't find a permanent escape from the constant torment, and you know the only escape is death, you become desperate. I've always felt this way, but I know no matter what I am loved and I couldn't hurt any of you guys like that. It was always a 'be selfish' or 'stay for the people who love you now but will leave eventually' and the latter was always the winner. When you have these thoughts already running though your head, and then you get told to go kill yourself... well, you can see why I almost jumped off that bridge."

And there it is. It's all out there now, for the world to know.

We sit there together in silence, no one saying anything but no one trying to move either. He sits there in silence, processing what I said and I sit there waiting for him to say something, anything. He doesn't. Instead, he reaches across the table, takes my arm, and puts a hand at the end sleeve, and he's hesitating. Whether he's scared or wants my permission, I don't know. So I take my arm from his grasp, and before I think twice about it, I pull up my sleeve revealing the gauze tape Lucas put over the cuts. I take off the clip and unravel the tape revealing the cuts from last night. Dried blood sealed the wounds over, and now it's basically just scabs. I bring myself to look up at Mr. Matthews, and he's close to tears. I take my arm away and pull down the sleeves and hug him. I feel his sobs wrack his body, and it's now that I realize how much I am loved...

He pulls away, looking me in the eyes. "Maya, honey, look... you don't, you don't need to do this. Okay? There are other ways, more... ways that don't involve damaging your skin, to help you deal with things, okay?" I feel my throat close up and my stomach clench. "The thought of you... hurting so much, to want to... hurt yourself, breaks my heart. It makes me feel like a failure. I always thought I was supposed to be the dad your father wasn't."

"You aren't though. Don't hold yourself to those expectations, I never held you to them." Although every fiber of my being is screaming stop while you're ahead, don't let them in any farther, I ignore it and keep talking. "You didn't fail anyone, okay? You're not my father, it's not your burden to play the part of a concerned parent of a lost cause. I am not meant to have a father, or a mother, or good parents, and I've accepted that. I don't expect people to fill the void that is missing and neither you or Topanga should hold yourselves to that position in my life. I don't need a family. I'm fine on my own, I always have been."

I leave out the fact that even if I were to hold him to those expectations, he would have surpassed any I would have set. I leave out the fact that my father was a deadbeat anyway. I leave out the fact that he is a better man, and father, then Ed could ever be. A real man doesn't run from his fears and a real father doesn't sexually abuse his child. Corey Matthews is the person you should think of when you think of a father or a man, not Edward Hart. I leave all that out though. I don't leave out, "You didn't fail anyone, and you especially didn't fail me."

I get up after that and walk to Riley's room to see her sleeping on her side of the bed when we have our sleep overs. Too tired, both physically and emotionally, I just climb in and lay my head on the pillow and stare at her ceiling. I don't sleep that night, and I don't realize it until I see the sunrise peaking in through her curtains. Today is gonna be another long day.