Chapter Twelve – Filler Whump

Sometimes I question the nature of my existence…

-Random Unnamed City-

"After winning a rainbow badge from Erika," the disembodied voice of Arceus informed a city full of very confused people and Pokemon, "Ash and his friends find himself in a new city!"

Ash walked down the streets of the nameless city, his four starters piled onto his shoulder, oblivious to everyone and everything around him. Behind Ash, Misty and Brock stared at the unmoving cardboard cutouts of people around them, trying to understand how they had ended up on the far side of Unova.

"Gee, it sort of feels like all these buildings are closing in on us," Ash said, staring up at the towering skyscrapers.

"Diglet dig, diglet dig, diglet!" An army of fearsome Diglett erupted from the earth beneath the skyscapers, effortlessly picked them up, and slammed both sides into Ash and his companions.

"Ow..."

-Scissor Street-

"Scissor Street?" Ash asked. "Why'd we come here?"

"Sure are a lot of Pokemon beauty parlors." Misty's arm was in a cast and she had a black eye from the Diglett attack last week. Brock was cheerfully pushing himself along in a wheelchair, whistling at every girl they passed.

Ash, naturally, was unscathed.

Arceus cleared his throat. "Ash and his friends take a walk along Scissor Street. Why have they come here? Brock seems to think her knows the answer, but that's only an illusion. There is no reason why they've come to Scissor Street. Scissor Street is simply a metaphor for the meaninglessness of every day existence-"

A random woman on the street burst into tears and hugged her Giraffarig, who was understandably to stupid to comprehend his surroundings.

"Oh, wow!" Misty ran up to a poster of a Garbador dressed in a Scottish kilt and a bright purple ruffled shirt with so much make-up on that Ash nearly mistook it for a Magneton. "This must be the newest fashion!"

Ash and Brock leaned towards the poster, skeptical. "You think?"

"Yeah, come on, we've got to go in! I need to try it!" Misty skipped into the building, whistling happy thoughts about how many Feebas she would be able to attract.

"She's finally gone off the deep end," Bulbasaur mused.

"An unfortunate side effect of being around Ash..." Charmander agreed.

"Pikapi..."

"I think I would look quite dashing in a kilt myself." Squirtle nodded and jumped off Ash's shoulder to follow Misty.

Brock groaned as he wheeled himself into the building. "She does know that that outfit is for a Garbador, right?"

Ash never got a chance to respond, because the army of Diglett erupted from the ground once more and brought the entire shopping mall down on their head. "Diglett dig, diglett dig, diglett!"

"Owww…!"

-Route Sixteen-

The wild Hitmonchan ran up the road, finishing her morning jog, and stopped right in front of the tree that conveniently had the trainer trying to catch her behind it. She threw a few warm-up punches, testing her mettle, oblivious to her surroundings.

"Wow, look at that!" Ash pumped his fist, excitement shining in his eyes. "It's a wild Hitmonchan."

"So that's one of the fighting Pokemon I've heard so much about!" Misty exclaimed.

"It's a real fighter," Brock said in a sage tone.

Bulbasaur sighed. No kidding, Brock.

The ground below their feet rumbled, and the hundred-foot chasm trap that the Digletts had carefully been planting opened up, engulfing our heros, the trainer behind the tree, and Hitmonchan. "Diglett dig, diglett dig, diglett!"

"Oh, come on!"

-Elite Four-

Gary paused pensively on top of one of the mountains behind the Elite Four compound, staring out into Kanto with Rattata and Nidoran. "You know, I have the strangest feeling right now that I should feel lucky not to be Ash Ketchum right now."

"Why, Gary?" Nidoran asked. Rattata nodded in agreement. The two Pokemon stared up at Gary with maximum adorableness.

Out in the distance, a massive sinkhole opened up and engulfed the better part of the entire cycling road. The faintest cry of "Whyyyyyyyyyyy" and the chanting of militarized super-powed moles wafted by on the breeze.

Gary shrugged. "Oh, no reason. Now, who wants to keep learning quick attack?"

"Me!" "Me too!"

-Suicune's Show-

"Hi, kids!" Suicune bounced to the front of the screen, a happy grin plastered on her face. "Sorry about my extended absence! Let's all be glad that the people who run Galar Asylum are so nice. Now, today, we're going to be talking about type combina- Oh, Arceus!"

Misty and Brock leaped through the show's set, tearing the drywall to pieces in absolute panic. "We have to go!" Misty screamed at Suicune, shaking the dog's shoulders. "We have to ruuuuuuuun..."

"They're coming! We won't make it!" Brock drew a fully armed AK-47 from his bag, along with an entire bunker, seven plates of jelly donuts, and Psyduck. "Go, I'll hold them off!"

Ash walking into the studio casually, his Pokemon napping on his shoulder. "Hey guys, what's going on? Why was everyone running?"

"I think I may have to book a return flight to Galar," Suicune said faintly as the Diglett army consumed the studio and poured twenty million pounds of pure debris on top.

"Diglett dig, diglett dig, diglett!"

"Why do I even bother anymore?"

-Diglett's Hideout-

In all of the seven underground realms, never was there such magnificence as in the Kingdom of Diglett. More that the Underground of Sinnoh, Diancie's realm in Kalos, or even the fine magnificence of Zygarde's palace, the land of the moles was home to the finest craftsmen, the artisans whose names were known around the Pokemon world; stone carvings spiraled through the caverns, sparkling with rubies and emeralds, stones of the highest replete. The Digletts were creatures of empire – their Alolan cousins had conquered the far-off islands centuries before, spreading their wealth and glory to the four corners of the world. They were splendor; they were magnificence – the true epitomie of Pokemon achievement.

And now their very existence was in danger.

"King Dugtrio, king of all Diglett, we bring you grave news!" the herald cried, his finely coifed three hairs flopping up and down on his head.

King Dugtrio leaned forward on his throne. "Come forth and speak."

From within the ranks of the awaiting army, one sole Diglett came forward, his fur flush with shame. "My king, we have done everything in our power to halt Ash Ketchum's arrival but to no avail. I am afraid-" He gulped. "I am afraid that the prophecy may come to pass."

"No!" "Not the prophecy!" "We're all gonna die!"

A great pallor came over King Dugtrio, and he gravely turned toward the conveniently place mural of the end times to his right. "Of course, the great prophecy that one named Ash Ketchum, blessed by Arceus himself, would be the one to bring ruin to us all. I too fear that it has become an inevitability. Tell me, when will the Chosen One reach our lands?"

"Tomorrow."

"Then we will meet him on the hills of Fuschia City and plead for the lives of our people."

-Hall of Origins-

Arceus Jr. peered over the edge of the Hall of Origins and down onto the mortal plane. "Father, why have you been dramatically narrating Ash's life all week?"

"You've never taken Acting II, have you?" Arceus asked.

"Oooooh..."

-Petalburg City-

A young eight-year-old May Maple tugged at her mother's sleeve. "Mommy, the voices in the sky are talking about high school acting classes again!"

"That's nice, honey," Caroline said, cutting up the banana's for Vigoroth's protein shake.

-Route 18-

"Several months have passed since Ash Ketchum left his hometown of Pallet- OH, FOR THE LAST TIME, JUNIOR, TWENTY MINUTE PLAYS ARE BETTER THAT TEN MINUTE PLAYS!"

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?"

"IT'S CALLED CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!"

Ash whistled as he walked through a literal swarm of Diglett, covering every possible surface of the mountains to watch their end-of-days unfold before them. "Man, it sure is windy today, huh?"

Misty trembled in fear. Brock facepalmed. "Yes, Ash," Bulbasaur drawled. "There must be a storm coming."

"I like storms!" Stunfisk yelled, waving his flippers. "Do I get to be in the story now? Oh, please, I so want to be in the story!"

Ash accidentally stepped on his Pokemon.

"Ow…" Stunfisk mumbled, crawling back into obscurity.

"I wanna beat another gym!" Ash proclaimed, oblivious.

Brock nodded. "Well, the Fuschia city gym is somewhere across these giant molehills, and I can't tell which one. I guess we'll just have to climb them all."

Ash's eyes lit up. "Or I have a better way!"

From the depths of the earth, King Dugtrio rose to daylight on his mighty throne, coming to rest before Ash Ketchum the Conqueror. Trembling in fear, he shed a single tear for his people then drew himself up to his full height, resplendent in the morning light. "Ash Ketchum, you have come to our lands as the sign of our destru-"

"Charmander, use Blast Burn!"

The entire Diglett kingdom disappeared into flames.

"Cold," Misty whispered.

"He didn't even finish his noble speech," Brock agreed.

"So this is how civilizations fall," Charmander mused. "I believe I shall record it in the next chapter of Ash Ketchum: A History."

"He truly is worthy to sit on the Iron Throne..." Squirtle agreed.

"Pika-chu."

"Can we just go on to the next gym already?" Bulbasaur closed his eyes, tuning out the destruction around him. "I hate filler chapters."

"And so our tireless heros move onward through the endless and meaningless patterns of daily existence," Arceus droned. "Next time, on Pokemon XYZ..."

"Gym battles!"

[A/N] ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I have no incentive nor gained value from this story and yet I continue to write it. If that isn't a Sissyphisian act of true human indolence, I don't know what is. In this essay I will-

Press f in the reviews to pay respects.

Allie