It had been almost four days since they had buried Hakkai along side the still semi-new grave of Gojyo, and Sanzo was not doing well at all. For the past three days, he had sat in the window, unmoving. He sat there, still and silent, in the same room where Gojyo had taken his last breath, the same room where he had been forced to kill Hakkai. Since that evening, when he and Goku had stood by the freshly dug grave, Sanzo had not spoken, eaten, or even looked at Goku, no matter what he said or did.

On this, the evening of the third day, Goku slowly pushed open the door to the small room which had become like a prison to Sanzo. A shudder ran through him as he stepped into the room- he could still see Gojyo laying on the bed pale and thin and he could see Hakkai on the floor still and lifeless. He walked over to Sanzo, a small tray of food in his hands. Goku was by no means as good a cook as Hakkai had been- he really missed the special dishes Hakkai use to make for him. He wasn't as good at shopping as Gojyo was but he still knew enough to know what would make a decent meal. Day after day he had brought in a tray of food to Sanzo and day after day he was ignored. This wasn't the first time the violet-eyed priest had fallen into one of his deep depressions, but he had never been like this before. Usually, he would eventually respond to the monkey's prodding and either be snappy back at him or push him away, but now, he made no response at all. Goku set the tray down on the small table set between the window and the bed. A pile of burned cigarettes butts littered the floor and the room was filled with a slightly smoky haze. Several empty and crushed beer cans also lay scattered on the floor around his feet. Three unopened ones remained on the window sill near Sanzo.

"Sanzo? I brought you some dinner…" Goku said softly, looking, waiting for some sort of response but getting none. "Come on Sanzo… talk to me."

Sanzo turned from the window slowly and looked at Goku with empty hollow eyes. His face was drawn and thin, his eyes cold and empty, and his body worn and thin. Yet, the physical pain was nothing compared to what his emotions were doing to him. For all the years he had known Cho Hakkai, he knew that the chance always remained that one day the Youkai powers would take control and overpower him. Several times the two of them had talked about what would be done if that should ever come to pass. Every time, Sanzo's response was the same to Hakkai's question. 'I will do what need to be done should it ever come to that." He knew what he had to do and it was nothing he didn't know about, but nothing could have prepared him for that moment. To stand there and know in his heart that he had to kill his friend was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. Sanzo was not as cold and heartless as he always seemed – it was a front- his defense against getting hurt too deeply yet again. He cared about his companions very much and had shed many tears already for Gojyo and now for Hakkai.

Goku looked away from Sanzo, he couldn't bear to look into those sad droopy eyes. His eyes fell on one of the unopened cans of beer nearby. Slowly he grabbed the can and held it out to Sanzo, his head handing down slightly. For a while neither of them moved and is seemed Sanzo was ignoring him again. Then, slowly Sanzo reached out and took the can, Goku still standing there, head down, as Sanzo reached a hand out, put it on his head and pushed his head back slightly looking into those big golden eyes.

"Stupid monkey," he muttered as Goku looked up at him.

"S…Sanzo…" he said as he smiled through the tears.

Goku sat down in the chair near the window, both of them sitting in silence- Sanzo staring out the window, Goku staring up at Sanzo. Finally the silence was broken as Sanzo sighed.

"So, what's for dinner?"

Goku looked up at him and smiled brightly.

"Meat buns! I made them myself!" he said proudly.

"I swear, is that all you know how to make?"

"I can't help it… and what's so bad about meat buns? I think they are just delicious!"

"Tsssk… you think everything is good when you are hungry and you are always hungry," Sanzo said as he cracked opened the can of beer Goku had handed him.

The next hour passed with some conversation and ended with two empty plates, three empty cans of beer, a few more cigarette butts on the floor, and Goku asleep as he leaned against Sanzo. Sanzo sat there in the window, Goku's head resting on his knee.

"Stupid monkey' he muttered in an almost concerned tone.

Standing, Sanzo picked Goku up and carried him into the other room and alid him on the bed. He stood there as his mind flashed back to something Goku had asked him just a little while before he fell asleep.

'Sanzo, what's going to happen to us now?' is what he had asked him. Sanzo sighed softly as he looked down at the sleeping Goku.

"I wish I could tell you Goku. I do not know what is going to happen to us now" he said softly as he turned and left, going outside for the first time in four days. He wandered, not really noticing or caring where he was going. When his feet finally stopped, and his mind cleared of the pain and darkness for a moment, he found himself standing in front of Gojyo and Hakkai's graves. A smaller mound was there next to Hakkai's headstone, the final resting place of his faithful companion Hakuyru. Since the day they had buried Hakkai, the small white dragon had not left that spot. He wouldn't eat and didn't last long after the second day. No amount of coxing would draw him from that spot as he lay there next to the cold stone, chirping sorrowfully. Even when Goku tried to carry him back to the inn he fought and scratched until Goku let him go. Now even Hakuyru was gone, more than half of the Ikkou was gone.

"I really don't know what is going to happen to us now…" Sanzo muttered as he stared at the graves before him.

"It is hard is it not, having to see your friends and companions suffer and die?"

Sanzo turned around towards the stranger's voice behind him. Before him stood a man, dressed in a cream shirt and black pants, a cloak drawn about his shoulders against the cool of the night. Sanzo had shed his monks robe a few hours earlier and was only in his pants and black undershirt, yet he felt nothing of the night's chill. He stood there facing this stranger as the pale moonlight filtered down.

"Who are you?" he asked, mentally kicking himself for leaving his gun on the window ledge.

"I am called Yuuru. You need not worry Konzen, I am a friend."

"Konzen? Who are you talking to? I don't know any Konzen, old man."

"Has it really been so long… have you really lost all memories of who you once were?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You were once Konzen Guensin, nephew of the Merciful Goddess herself. You were one of the high ranking gods of heaven, you served in the offer under the Merciful Goddess and had many under your control. You also had friends there- General Kenren and Field Marshal Tenpou. "

Sanzo's eyes grew wide as he listened and slowly started to remember.

"That was your old life Konzen. Now you are here… having to watch your friends die. It is always hard to see but even more so for the leader of the group, because ultimately you blame yourself."

"Thank you. Your compassion is just overwhelming," Sanzo said sarcastically as he turned and started to walk away.

"I can give it all back to you. Your old friends, your old memories, your old life."
Sanzo stopped though he did not turn around as he spoke.

"You… you can?"

"I can. You could be happy once again. You do not have to keep suffering, you can get your old life back Konzen."

"And why would you do something like that for me?"

"Because, ones as strong as you and your friends are needed in the heavens. You helped to maintain the balance and order and now that balance as been disrupted and all is in chaos. We need ones like you in charge once more. Also, I know how much you have suffered in this life; I want to help you escape it."

"Your offer sounds all well and good," Sanzo said as he turned and started into Yuuru's eyes. "However, I must decline your offer."

"You refuse my offer? Why Konzen?"

"Because I cannot run away from my problems so much that I do not look after the one who needs me the most. Goku is alone in this world if I am gone; I cannot abandon him, no matter how tempted I may be to do so. Also, I am not Konzen Geuinsu anymore- I am Genjyo Sanzo- for however long I am alive in this life, and I intend to live in this life, not the memory of some past life."

"Bravo! Well spoken my friend. Very admirable of you to give so much for the sake of your friends. I cannot force you to accept my offer and I do not wish to do so. Indeed, that would defeat the entire point. No, you are free to make your own choice. I shall see you again. You are free to change your mind at any time, the offer still remains. Farewell Konzen."

Yuuru bowed slightly as Sanzo turned and started to walk away.

"It's Sanzo," He said as he walked away, leaving Yuuru standing there beside the two graves.

When Sanzo had faded from sight, Yuuru looked up into the night sky, to the bright stars that shimmered in the clear sky. As he looked up at the countless stars he sighed.

"Hang in there boys… you know how stubborn he can be. Be patient… keep doing what you are doing and he will be joining you soon enough."

Turning, Yuuru walked into the woods nearby, melting into the blackness and vanishing without a trace as the cool night breeze blew and Sanzo made his way back to find Goku still fast asleep.

The following day they packed up and left, leaving behind them the not just memories but their two companions as well. For the next few days they traveled, on foot, always heading West, even though they really did not know if there was any reason to be continuing their quest at this point. Goku dealt with the pain and hurt by talking, Sanzo dealt with it by keeping everything shut inside. Goku talked about the times shared with Gojyo and Hakkai, and Sanzo tried to forget every memory of them. This was how they traveled, walking by day until the light was gone from the sky, and sleeping until the sun broke over the horizon. On this night, Sanzo was having an especially hard time. He looked over at the sleeping Goku as he put his head in his hands, the maddening rush of emotions driving him insane. Everywhere he looked, he saw memories of Gojyo and Hakkai- even looking at himself or Goku brought them back. Yet, when he closed his eyes he once again saw them- Gojyo laying on the bed as he drew his last breath and the look on Hakkai's face in that final moment when he had pulled the trigger. It was too much for him to take.

Standing to his feet Sanzo slowly walked away from the small camp, leaving Goku sleeping, propped against the old log by the small fire. He stopped a little ways away in a small clearing and pulled out the silver pistol, leveling it at his head. Fighting to control his breathing he squeezed the trigger, nothing but the sound of air popping through the barrel. Sanzo cursed under his breath and squeezed it again, nothing. For once, the pistol was unloaded. With hands trembling Sanzo loaded the gun and cocked it once more, and raised it up. A t that moment he heard something behind him.

"Sanzo? What do you think you are doing?

Sanzo turned slowly to see Goku standing there at the edge of the clearing, a look of shock and horror on his face as he looked from Sanzo to the pistol held in his hand.

"Leave me alone, stupid monkey.." Sanzo muttered

"What are you doing with the gun? Can't you sleep?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? now leave me alone!" Snazo snapped as Goku realized what was going on right before him.

"Ok, you made your point. I'll stop talking about Gojyo and Hakkai...just put down the gun and get some sleep" Goku's heart was pounding so loud he was sure Sanzo could hear it. His mouth was dry with fear, the words barely making it past his tongue and his feet felt nailed to the floor. "Come on Sanzo, it's going to be morning soon and we still have a day or two until we get to the next town. We need to get some sleep- you know how crabby we both get when we don't get enough sleep."

"Morning..." Sanzo muttered and the gun dropped down slightly. "One more day I have to live with what it is I have done..." Slowly he lowered the gun but still held onto it as he looked over at Goku, tears that had been held back for so long starting to brim up in his eyes.

Goku's eyes widened with shock as he looked at Sanzo. Never in his life did he expect to see emotion like this from Sanzo. Memories flooded Goku's mind, the day Sanzo freed him from his cage, feeling happy for the first time in his life...feeling needed. But one memory began to overshadow all the good memories… his little bird. That was the first living thing he became attached to and his first lesson about death. Goku could still remember the pain and he didn't want to lose Sanzo.

"Sanzo, you didn't do anything! How could you have stopped what happened to Gojyo and Hakkai? You couldn't have stopped it! They kept their feelings hidden away within them.. so afraid to let them show, that by the time anyone knew they were in pain, it was too late!" Goku slowly started walking towards Sanzo, desperately trying to keep himself together.

Sanzo stood still, frozen, back to Goku, the pistol still in his hand down at his side. 'Kept their feeling so deep within them' how much that sounded like him... Sanzo thought back, when was the last time he had let his emotions show, or even when had he last let himself admit his own emotions? He had to confess he almost couldn't remember that time. 'Ever since the day I lost what was most precious to me... Master Koumyo... I have never wanted to know the pain of loss. You cannot feel pain at losing something you care nothing about, so I merely stopped caring...' Sanzo's voice echoed in his head. He was brought back to reality as he felt a light touch on his hand, his hand jerking away slightly and turning to see Goku standing there in front of him.

"How can you just stop caring?" Goku tilted his head, tears shining in his golden eyes. "I think you care more than you let on, you are just afraid to show it or you don't know how to show it but I know you care Sanzo! Sure, you don't show it like other people...ya know, those paper fans really hurt! You can sure hit hard!" Goku smiled but it quickly faded away as he looked up at the one who meant the world to him. "I didn't have anything before you came, I was alone and forgotten- I might as well have not even been alive. I was so alone and wanted someone to come. I didn't even know I was callin' ya; all I can remember feeling is loneliness and I wished for someone who would want to be with me and not leave me... someone who would like me for me. Someone I could call...brother" Goku looked down at the ground. His hands were clenched at his side and he was unashamed at the tears falling on the ground. With his head still lowered, tears dripping off his cheeks, Goku whispered softly. "Don't do anything rash, Sanzo. Stay with me." Goku fell to his knees. "Please."

Sanzo looked down at Goku, he had seen the little monkey teary eyed before but never like this. He had felt his heart get pricked slightly by the words that crazy kid could somehow manage to come up with, but never the way it was breaking his heart now. "Brother..." that word stuck in Sanzo's mind. Brother... brother. They all had been like a family- a dysfunctional one- but a family none the less, yet it was him who Goku called brother. As Goku sank to his knees, his fists tight around the loose folds of Sanzo's robe, Sanzo felt the first tear slide down his cheek. Un-cocking the gun, Sanzo left it slip form his hands as it landed on the soft mossy ground. Kneeling down himself, he gently reached his hand out and pushed Goku's head up and looked at him, his deep piercing violet eyes looking into those big golden ones. "Stupid monkey" he muttered, but his voice was soft and cracking slightly.

"Are you staying with me, Sanzo? You promise you won't leave me?" Goku could barely see Sanzo through the tears in his eyes. Goku waited for an answer from Sanzo.

"I promise, Goku... I wont leave you of my own hand." Sanzo let out a slight gasp as he felt two arms tighten around him and he looked down to see Goku's face buried in his robes. "I promise" he said again as he put a hand on Goku's head. The two of them stayed that way, kneeling there in the clearing for some time, until Sanzo slowly, gently pushes Goku back and looked down at him. "I'd say we have about three hours left before sunrise... how about we get some sleep?'

"Ok!" Goku stood up and wiped his eyes. A soft grumble broke the mood. Goku hugged his belly. "I'm hungry, Sanzo! Can I eat now? Idon't think I'm going to make it to dawn!"

A slight smile pulled at the corners of Sanzo's mouth. "Whatever.. go and eat if it will keep you quiet." Goku ran off towards the camp as Sanzo bent down and picked up the pistol and slipped back into the deep folds of his robe and walked back to the camp site, and laid down, his head propped against the log as Goku searched his pack for something to eat.

Sanzo could hear Goku talking to himself. He shook his head. Some things never changed.

" Yeah! I got pocky, chips and noodles. Awww, I hate waiting five whole minutes for the ramen to be done! I'm hungry now!!" Goku's head emerged out of the pack, a stick of pocky poking out of the corner of his mouth as he held several packs of ramen and a bag of chips.

"Sanzo, you want anything?" Goku yelled. He was about to yell again but watching Sanzo, he realized the monk had fallen asleep. Goku smiled softly, giggling to himself. "More for me."

Sanzo drifted to sleep to the sound of Goku's 'annoying' voice, yet tonight, it was what relaxed and calmed him. He slept an empty dreamless sleep for the first time in months. Goku stared into the fire as Sanzo slept, his thoughts all jumbled about in his mind.

"I wish Hakkai was here. He's always so nice to me and I can talk to him about anything." Goku sighed, his chin resting in his left palm. "If that stupid Kappa was here..."Goku's voice trailed off. He couldn't believe how much it hurt thinking about that crazy Kappa! Goku shook his head. What was he thinking? Gojyo was a jerk! Always picking on him, making him get beer after beer and worse...eating the best food before he could get to it at meal time! Also, not to mention how uncomfortable it was to be around Gojyo while he was trying to pick up women! He always seemed to get kicked more for being in the way during those times. Goku's mind drifted to a conversation he and Gojyo had just a few months ago...

"God, you suck! Why do you insist on embarrassing yourself like this you idiot?" Goku shoved Gojyo's shoulder away from him.

" Just you wait until you get older! Although, you will never understand women like I do."

"What's to understand?" Goku shouted. "You ask them their name, they giggle and tell you, then you make some perverted remark about them and Sanzo yells at you and hits you with the fan."

Gojyo smiled, "That, you little monkey, is called foreplay." Gojyo lit another cigarette and leaned back in his seat smiling as the drove on, following the setting sun. "Best part of chasing women if you ask me."

Goku stared at Gojyo for a little bit. "I don't get it" He shook his head. Gojyo smiled and turned to Goku, blowing smoke in his face.

"And that's why, stupid monkey, you never will."

Goku smiled at the memory. He still didn't get all of it but he did ask Hakkai a lot of questions about it after that. Goku was shocked to find out how babies were born and where they came from. It sounded kinda gross to him and didn't know why anyone would be obsessed about it the way Gojyo was, but he remembered the look of longing on Hakkai's face and he had the thought that maybe if you really loved someone, it wasn't so gross after all. He pictured Sanzo trying to woo a woman and he couldn't help but giggle some at the mental picture: Sanzo walking up to a woman, looking her over, and then grabbing her saying, "Let's go."

Hakkai had asked him if he ever had feelings for a girl. Goku told him that of course he did. Didn't he remember the girl they ran into a while back at that one village who hated youkai but cooked really well? Goku started drooling just thinking about her cooking.

"I really liked her, Hakkai. She was nice and she was a kick ass cook too!"

"Did you ever want to spend time with her, just her and you alone?" Hakkai asked.

"Hell yeah!! Her cooking was the best!" Goku said with a broad smile.

Hakkai sighed, "You really are too young, aren't you, Goku?" Hakkai smiled and ruffled Goku's hair. "It's better that way trust me," he said with a slight laugh. Hakkai turned and began walking back to their hotel room, softly humming a little tune. "Well Hakuryu, at least we only have to worry about Gojyo around women for now. Maybe we have a few years before Goku starts breaking hearts wherever we go." Hakuryu cheeped happily, nuzzling Hakkai as Hakkai scratched his neck.

Goku smiled at those memories. So, he still didn't get the woman thing and he would never understand why a woman would look twice at a perverted Kappa and go all weak at the knees. Or, why so many looked like they wanted to hug Hakkai until he smiled and laughed again. These were some of the good memories Goku had of his closest friends, but memories were never going to be enough again. He looked at Sanzo sleeping by the fire.

"I've got to be strong. I have to be the man I'm meant to be. I know I'll probably get hit with that fricking fan again, but I have to tell Sanzo I think we should change our plans. We have already failed, even if we make it to Shangri-La there's nothing the two of us can do. Fuck Kou and his group! I don't care about the youkai, I could care less if Guymouh is revived! I want Hakkai back!" Tears started flowing again, dripping down on his hands. Goku put his head down on his knees and covered his head so there was no chance of anyone overhearing him. "I miss Gojyo...Damn I miss him!" With that thought, Goku could no longer hold back the sobs that tore from his throat as his body shuddered.